The visit with the mother-in-law is going well. Each day, she and the husband tour a few retirement homes. She has found one that has a nice balance of being pleasant and affordable.

She is disappointed that her other son, my brother-in-law, is too drunk to see her. 

We haven't heard from the brother-in-law today. He's been calling once a day to give us a drunk-update. Yesterday he cried over the fact that his drinking was making him sick and that he still couldn't stop. 

"Why don't you pour it out?" the husband suggested.

"I don't know.... I'm not ready yet." the brother-in-law replied.

As a non-addict, I don't understand the desire to hurt yourself so much. Maybe I no longer care. 

If someone runs their life into the ground, I may help them up once. At some point I've got to let go and let them figure it out for them self.

The weather is pleasant here in Seattle. Temperatures in the low 70s. The rain is abating. I've been taking my laptop to work outside.

The brother-in-law called this morning. He is drunk. The brother-in-law spent part of his morning on the phone with the husband, crying about his problems. 

The brother-in-law doesn't want to see his mother while he is drunk. 

The husband is letting go. He's not going to rescue the brother-in-law this time. The brother-in-law must address his own problem. No amount of our help will help. We have to accept that the brother-in-law is going to be a drunk. Helping him, cushioning his falls, helping him recover, is wasting our time. 

 We are back in Seattle.

The mother-in-law will be here on Wednesday. She is here looking for a senior home to move into. She is 84 and living on her own. She recognizes that she is one bad day away from needing assistance. I'm thankful that she is doing this proactively and not after she's had another large physical meltdown.

So what kind of music am I catching up on?

Mostly I'm going through Jane Siberry. You would be forgiven if you've never heard of her. A few of her songs appeared in movies and on TV back in the 90s. She was never really a chart topper

Outside of her 'popular' songs Siberry did many experimental albums and collaborations with other artists. I'm listening to those.

Work offices are now now open at 20% capacity. If we are vaccinated, then we don't have to wear a mask.

Maybe I'll start going in one day a week. I intend to work from home as much as possible. 

The husband is still away. He should return from his meetings on Thursday.

In the evenings I've been obsessively listening to music. Catching up on the bands that I stopped listening to after I grew up and developed an adult taste in music. Playing online games. Eating every sweet in the house. Adulthood returns tomorrow.

The husband is away working for a few days. Meeting his team for the first time since COVID. He is near LA, while I stay in San Diego and take care of the cat. 

This evening was the first time the cat let me touch her.

What have I been doing? The time goes so fast. Work soaks up most of the day. I have no problems occupying my evenings. Either more work. Or play games with friends. 

The weather in San Diego is pleasant.

That cat has shown herself. Just in brief flashes as she runs from her hiding spot to her food. She will not be cuddling with us anytime soon. I am happy that the cat is still alive.

The husband and I have been touring the city. Hiking the parks. Walking along the beaches. Sunday we went to the zoo. This is a nice getaway. Tomorrow works starts again.

We are down in San Diego for another Workation. A friend who lives in SD needed a house sitter for a week. The husband arranged for a team meeting nearby. And so we are here.

In theory we are house sitting to take care of a cat. I haven't seen the cat in over a day. I only know it's still here because something is using the litter box. The owner says this is to be expected. The cat is very timid. A literal fraidy cat. The owner says it will take a day or two for the cat to warm up to us. Until then just clean the litter box, keep the food and water topped up, and watch out for cat vomit.

We had a wonderful long weekend. Now that most of us are vaccinated, we spent much of it catching up with old friends.

Saturday.... Saturday was Bate's last work day. He is now retired. He is (was?) a train engineer. We met him at the end of his run. Then we went out for dinner and drinks with a few of his friends.

Bates is excited for his retirement. He and his husband are traveling for the next few months. Then he is volunteering with a few west coast train clubs.

Sunday was the annual bear pool party at C1's and QJ's. It was very well attended. We saw old acquaintances for the first time since COVID.

Monday we kayaked again. The Brother-In-Law gathered a few of his friends and we had a small picnic at his row club.

I am the big 51 now. The husband did a great job of ensuring I had a fun few days. Thursday we had a nice dinner out, just the husband and I.

Friday we had dinner out with Yo and the Angle. We had a great time, but I drank *way* too much. On the drive home the husband had to pull over and let me vomit.

Thank you husband for being patient with me. In general, people in AA have no patience or sympathy for those who are drinking too much. Nor should they.

Saturday-- dinner with Clem and Bates. Margaritas. Bates is going to retire next week. He has elaborate post retirement plans. More at those later.

Sunday-- BBQ with the AA friends.

 

Life in the Seattle suburbs continues.

A sick coworker returned to work today. He told me that he has now had COVID twice. Second time was worse than the first. He had to travel back and forth to India for family reaons, so this is a special circumstance and not wanton masklessness.

Tommy reminds me that many gay men are not gainfully using their lives. Some are choosing suicide by neglect. Tommy's experience is not unique. I know many gay men who would rather drink and party than do something that's a little like work.

Let me look at my Brother's Facebook feed…. Yes he is still posting these strained anti-establishment/anti-mask/pro-gun memes.

I don't have it in me to be angry at all this craziness. I don't know why. I have heard that sometimes I act like I don't care about the world. And I can see why. 

For a long time, since I was a kid, I've known that I can choose what I get angry at. With all the crazy in this world, angry won't help. So I just move on and live how I believe is right.

 

 

On Friday, our last day in the Bay Area, we hiked around with Mm. It was good to see her. She has had a tough year, but things are looking up for her.

Now we are on our way home. I really enjoyed our time away. I am looking forward to our own bed.

I like that we could take our time with this trip. No rushed long weekend. No getting up at 4am to catch a 6am flight so we could have a good full day. We traveled during the day. We spent a few extra days to make up for it. We didn't have to run. We could linger. Worked when we needed. Spend time with the family. See the sights and then head back.

We will do these working vacations again a few times this summer. In June we will house and pet watch for a friend. Then, when Canada opens up, I will fly up there to visit my parents. 

Last night, the husband took me out for a nice dinner in Sausalito. Sausalito is a cute city just north of San Francisco, on the other side of the Golden Gate Bridge.

After dinner we toured around the Marin Headlands, trying to catch a view of the Golden Gate. 

We are on to the second half of our workation. We have left the family in Sacramento and are spending a few days at a nice B&B in San Rafael. 

Before we left Sacramento, the mother-in-law and the husband had a good chat. A needed talk. Just as his father did, just as any elderly person will, she is one bad day away from needing a different plan.

She had a fecal scan for colon cancer and it came back positive. She has COPD, so it’s risky to put her under for a full colorectal exam. Alternatives are being explored. It could be serious, or it could be one bad polyp that can be clipped. She has no blockage right now and is feeling as good usual. So here she is, one bad day away from needing a different plan.

"This expired in 2007." The husband is looking at a bottle of Tylenol. He has a stomach ache and asked his mother if she had anything for it. The mother-in-law gave the tylenol from her medicine cabinet.

"It should still be OK. Let me see if I have anything else." Mother-in-law looks though her medicine cabinet again. "How about this.. it only expired last month."

When we visit the mother-in-law, she always gives us some of her stuff. This time it's cookbooks. Many of these are charming 60s and 70s cookbooks. I love the audacity of "Meals that Heal" with waffles on the cover, and cancer curing casseroles inside. 

The salad has lemon jello, lime jello, crushed pineapple, shredded cucumber, mayonnaise and horseradish. We are in Sacramento visiting the mother-in-law. She is cooking for us.

We are here on a workation. We will be in Sacramento for a little over a week to visit in-laws, yet neither of us have taken time off from work. I am fine with that. By day I can work in the hotel. In the evenings we will have dinner with the mother-in-law. This is a good balance.

Over the weekend, the brother-in-law took us kayaking. Backing up-- the brother-in-law found an inexpensive rowing club near him. He applied for, and became a member.

The rowing club is not in a building-- it's in a building boat that floats on the lake. What's a building boat? Well, you know house boats like they have in "Sleepless in Seattle" this is similar, except it's a whole small office building. 

To keep it's tax-status as a boat, once a year the building-boat has to be disconnected from the land and floated around the lake. Apparently this is a big celebration for row-club members, but a big stress for its management.

Back to us, Saturday the brother-in-law checked out kayaks and the three of us paddled along the lake. Very tranquil unless a big boat powers by.

I am powerless over free chocolate, cake or ice cream. Put a price tag on it and I can abstain. Tell me that there is left over cake in the garbage can and... well... more on that later...

Last weekend was Evan's Birthday. He rented a cottage at the ocean and invited us along. To celebrate, the husband brought along a huge, delicious take. We ate away at it the whole weekend. Really we gorged on it. Slices after dinner on Friday, for breakfast Saturday and then after dinner. More again for breakfast on Sunday.

It was huge. It was rich. It was delicious. 

On Sunday as we were leaving, Evan threw the last slice out. This lead to my afore mentioned garbage can diving.

We lucked out at the ocean. We experienced a freak April heatwave with low 70s temps and non-stop sun. Many of the restaurants where overwhelmed. Usually at this time of the year it's 50 degrees and cloudy and the Ocean Shore restaurants are staffed for that. On Friday, at the first restaurant that we approached, the hostess quickly announced "It's going to be 90 minutes to sit at a table and an hour for take out." I am happy she was honest with us.

A dear friend of the husband is moving to Oklahoma. Why Oklahoma? It's inexpensive. Decent houses are affordable. 

The friend is trying to entice us to move there... "There are gay people there," she said. "We bought our house from a gay man who said he had no problems fitting in."

To be honest, until this friend mentioned Oklahoma, I knew very little about it. It's somewhere in the middle of the country. There is a musical named after it.

This move touched a nerve in the husband. Where do we want to live when we retire? We started a good conversation.

The husband feels untethered. While we both have careers in Seattle,  we have more friends and family away from Seattle than within. He have a lovely house here. It's much larger than we need, especially after we hit our 70s. Another move is in our future. It may be a decade away, but it's there.

He pointed out that many of my best friends are still in Toronto. If we moved there, my social life could easily improve.

The Husbands friends are more distributed across the country. He has some family in California. They are mostly elderly. 

Nothing really holds him to Seattle and there is no clear place that calls him.

Since we both can work remote, we discussed using that privilege more-- especially as COVID eases. Perhaps we could spend a month in Arizona. Or New Mexico.

I'm also open to working for a month from Central or South America. Logistically that doesn't work for the Husband as his job sometimes requires travel in the U.S.

This past Saturday, the husband organized a community food drive. It went well. We delivered 5 SUVs full of groceries to a local food and clothing bank.

We got to meet many of our neighbors in the process.

It's been a little more spring like this past week. You can sit out side for a while without being chilled.

We had an in-person Easter brunch yesterday. Everyone had different numbers of vaccines in their system. Some had one J&J. Others one Monderna. Technically we were flouting the COIVD guidelines. It felt good to see old friends in person.

The husband has organized a food drive for the local foodbank. Sunday afternoon we picked up food from a friend who has hording tendencies.  We know her though AA. She is getting her life back on track. But, man-o-man she has a lot of stuff in her apartment. We filled the back of the husband's SUV with canned and dried goods that she finally admits she has no need of. We could have filled another SUV and she still would have had plenty to eat for a month.

Life has been routine. This is good. C3 likes to remind me that there are probably 1 billion people in this world who would kill to have my life.

Saturday the husband, Yo and I went on a long walk with our dogs. In the afternoon we looked over our camping gear to check that we are ready for the summer. Saturday evening I played games over Zoom with friends.

Work has been stressful. We've had a few problems with the service that I work on. When this happens, one of my tech leads likes to cover his ass first and solve the problem second. I'm trying hard to talk him back from that approach. It's going to hold him back at some point.

 We have received our 2nd shots of the Pfizer vaccine. No plans to travel or anything like that. Just a weight off our back.

Rufus is back! Or a Rufous humming bird is back. 

Last spring a rufous humming bird took over our back yard and chased other hummingbirds away. I would watch him through the day. He brightened up my COVID experience. But then, as Rufous's do, towards the end of summer, he few away.

Our humming bird feeders are never unused. For most of the winter they are frequented by Anna's hummingbirds which are an iridescent green. Yesterday I briefly spotted an orange blur chasing an Anna away. I cleaned and refilled the feeders outside my office window. I got the camera ready.

Honestly don't know that this is the same Rufous from last year. In the spring Rufous hummingbirds migrate from Mexico all the way up to Alaska, so this one could be passing through. 

1. I'm a little disappointed in myself. With my husband away I had planned to do all sorts of things. Projects I've been putting off. Reading. Instead I binge watched TV. I caught up on all the shows that the husband isn't fond of. And I played games.

2. Over a year ago I applied for U.S. citizenship. I've lived in the U.S. for twenty four years. I'm married to an American. It's time.

At long last I have an date for my citizenship interview-- the first week of April. Now I am busy studying my civics questions. Most are easy ("What major event happened on Sept 11, 2001?")  Some give me pause. ("What are the Federalist Papers? Why are they important?")

The husband and the brother-in-law are in PV for the week. I am still in Seattle. He planned the trip to PV back when I intended to spend March with my parents. When the trip to my parents was canceled, I didn't decide to join him in PV.

Why? I filled my March up with work goals and it's difficult for my to back peddle off them right now. That may be a bit of an excuse. I am looking forward to some quiet time. Just me and the dog. Watching the TV shows that the husband doesn't enjoy. Eating all the fish I want (The husband hates fish)

Spending a week with the husband and the brother-in-law would be too much.

The brother-in-law-- he is back from the brink of his addiction. At least for now.

I bought a bike. A regular bicycle. I haven't owned a bike in years. The husband started bicycling a bit last year. Now that the weather is improving, I thought I'd get one so I can join him when possible.

Last week was very routine. Work by day. Relax by night. Games over zoom with friends when we can. 

Today we received our first shots of the Pfizer vaccine. It was a big drive-thru mass vaccination event. You wait in line. They check your paper work. You wait inline some more. They recheck your paperwork and tell you what to expect. Passengers on the left must have there left arm ready. Passengers on the right-- their right. When its your turn you roll down your window, stick out your arm and get the shot.

Looking at the schedule, I'd say that around 4000 people went though.

So far no notable side effects. My arm is a bit stiff. I'm not feeling nauseous or tired.

The brother-in-law has left our house. For months he had our house-key. The husband asked for and got it back.

The brother-in-law is here. He is drunk. The husband and he are having some kind of conversation. The kind of conversation where the sober patiently listen to the inebriated. 

It is exhausting.

Earlier the husband and I had a small argument. We can't be his detox. We can't pick the brother-in-law up every time he goes off the rails. The brother-in-law has had major alcoholic meltdowns at least eight times. And I stress the major-- week long benders that have destroyed his jobs, his health, his relationships. 

The husband loves his brother so much. It will be difficult for him to let go.

The snow left quickly. We've had rains for the last few days.

The brother-in-law has not called the husband in the last three days. The husband is worrying about him. He is almost at the point where he wants to drive to the brother-in-law's apartment to check if he is still alive.

We are having a big dump of snow-- about eight inches in the past day. Maybe another two in the next.

It feels good to have a snow day. Even with COVID. Even though it's the weekend. If I want to curl up on the sofa with the husband and just play games, then so be it. The outside is pretty, but not easier to walk or drive though.

One of the symptoms of meth use is that self-doubt goes away. Paranoia takes over. When a meth users looses their keys they start to think "Someone is breaking into my house and stealing my things." When a meth user becomes confused by a smart-phone glitch they start to think they have been hacked.

The brother-in-law has started down that path. He misconfigured his phone. It must be a hack. He doesn't understand the messages on his home router. That must be hacked too. 

All this scaring the husband. Meth is such a horrible drug. The brother-in-law is going to burn his life up again. All we can do is stand back and watch it happen.

Life returns to the routine. Post reorg, my job is busy, but we are making progress. The husband is adjusting to his new job as well. He has been studying and taking tests for the past two weeks. It stresses him out, but he is making progress.

My father is having knee surgery half way through March. It's been a year and a half since I've visited my parents, so I plan on making the trip. Of course since my parents live in Canada and we are in a pandemic, things will be complicated. Canada is much more strict with its COVID plans.

I'll fly to Toronto, get a COVID test and then and quarantine in Toronto for two weeks. I've rented a nice AirB&B near friends. It should have good wifi, so I can work while I quarantine.

After quarantine, I'll drive up to my parents and spend two weeks with them. 

The situation is changing fast. There is talk of requiring the quarantine period to be in government approved hotel. Canada has a habit of making the rules first, and then figuring out the implementation later. So, the interpretations of the latest restrictions change day by day.

1. The work week ended well. Far better than it could have. My boss, my team and I came up with a plan. Now we have to execute on it.

2. C2 was in town for the weekend. Two months ago he had asymptomatic COVID. He is now over it, so he is much more comfortable traveling. He visited his father-- in the same room with a mask. He has prickly relations with his sister and his step mom. No visits there. His step mom was angry at the masked visit with his father. She is uncomfortable with him because he had COVID.

3. I'm trying to make a plan for me reading. Mostly I choose my books based on whats interesting to me, and whats available at the local library. Right now I'm getting the urge to focus on one topic. Not sure what it is yet. 

My boss is a chaos junkie. He is a very wise man. Very hard working. Is great with people. And he doesn't think twice about throwing a wrench into the plan. It can be very frustrating at times. 

I see that part of my job now is to draw these impulses out of him as far in advance as possible, collect them all into one document, polish them up, and make it look to the team like we know what we are doing; not just suddenly shifting from left to right.

1. My brother is basically over COVID. He is more tired than he used to be, but is back to work.

2. We are settling into January. The holidays are over. Work has started in full force again. Back into the groove. Saturday, we took a long walk with the brother-in-law along the water front. It was good to get out of the house.

The brother-in-law is struggling. He is working hard to recover from his last alcoholic meltdown. The circumstances don't help. 

3. The husbands birthday is coming up. He always says he doesn't want something special. He is always greatly appreciative of something special. 

My brother and his wife have covid. For a week now they've had bad cold symptoms plus joint and muscle pain. He says they have had a few shitty days, but are starting to improve.

1. We spent the past few days resting. The husband is still blue from the death of his father. As it should be. He is finding strength in his AA meetings.

2. I have a frozen shoulder. "What is a frozen shoulder?" you ask. I injured my shoulder sometime back in the fall. Probably slept on it wrong. Rather than stretching it and moving it regularly, I just let it rest. As a result, the injured tendons became weak, scarred and tough. I lost my range of motion. 

Of course I didn't know that. I was just resting my shoulder, thinking it would heal. I went to the doctor yesterday to figure out what was going on. He quickly diagnosed it (It's a common injury) and prescribed physiotherapy.

Lesson to myself-- don't kick my health problems down the road. Understand them and make a plan.

We are back home. My father-in-laws estate has mostly been taken care of. His room at the retirement home is cleaned out. 

We spent some time with my mother-in-law. The husbands mother and father have been divorced for years, but they remain close. She is sad to see an old friend die.

This morning at 3am, we left Sacramento and drove back to Seattle. 3am is early, but if leave later, then we end up hitting traffic in Eugene, Portland, Olympia or Seattle.

I'm glad to be home. We are exhausted, but we can sleep in our own bed tonight. 

Happy New Years!

The days since my father-in-laws death have been straightforward. He was ninety years old and suffering for so long that the family is a bit relieved with his passing. He didn't die alone. He got to spend Christmas with his children. What more could anyone ask for?

We are spending a few more days in Sacramento. The husband and my brother-in-law are cleaning up my father-in-law's old room. That shouldn't take long. He didn't have much. 

Hopefully his will is straight forward. My mother-in-law is the executor. She sometimes sounds a little overwhelmed or confused by the task. There is a reason why people pay lawyers for this.

Last night, my father-in-law passed away.

My father-in-law went to the hospital about a week ago... the day before we returned from Hawaii. The hospital moved him to hospice a day later. He wasn't responding to changes in his medication. He decided to stop his medication, except a low dose of pain killers.

This is the third time my father-in-law has been to hospice. The previous times he just got better and was released. Even this time with each passing day he appeared to regain some health, to be in better spirits and to have a clearer head. As we planned to head back to Sacramento, we were wondering if he would just get better again.

We decided to drive down to Sacramento on Christmas day.  Christmas Eve, our roommate, my brother-in-law, the husband and I had a nice dinner and exchanged gifts. Then the brother-in-law, the husband and I went to bed early. We woke up at 3am and got on the road.

We arrived in Sacramento late afternoon. We checked into the hotel, had a small dinner with the mother-in-law and then headed over to the father-in-law. Previously the husband and the brother-in-law both tested negative for COVID, so the nurse let them spend time in the same room with their father.

They spent about an hour and a half together. It sounded like they had a good time. 

We went to bed. This morning at seven the mother-in-law called with the news-- that their father had passed away in the night. 

It will be a couple hours before the coroner removes the body. The husband and the brother-in-law are headed over to spend some last time with him.

1. Tommy and Bathwater bring good advice...

https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2020/12/we-no-longer-need-to-engage-with-trumps-die-hard-supporters/617449/

2. We are back. And because life can never be simple... the husband's father is in the hospital. We are trying to figure out how to head down to California. 

So, what are we doing while America is in pandemic lockdown, after friends and acquaintances have had COVID? We flew to Hawaii for a week.

We are keeping this trip a low profile on Facebook. 

We had a rapid test done in Seattle. We flew the six hour flight with masks and a visor. Doing so was a uncomfortable, but not unbearable.

We visited a couple here who were friends from Seattle. They moved to the big island two years ago. 

The visit got the husband and i talking. We both love vacationing in Hawaii, but have no desire to move here. It's expensive. The heat is pleasant for a few days, but then i start to feel low energy. I feel most energized when it's in the 50s or 60s. The 80s slow me down.

1...

We filled out our holiday cards today. Maybe eight of them. It's a few hours of toil. It feels good to get it done.

Editing the address list always brings back memories. There were a few friends we haven't heard from in a while. Years really. It's a judgment call with these... who should we cut out? who should we try one more time? 

Sandy reappeared on our list after being cut out years ago. He's been reaching out again. It's good to hear from him.

One death on the list. One divorce. 

Four new people on the list. I like that we have new friends in the time a pandemic. 

2...

I called an old friend today for the first time since the pandemic began. I've known him for years-- maybe 25. He is from my old city, so the distance makes it difficult to stay in touch. 

While we were sharing this years disaster stories, he asked me some weird but serious questions about COVID (he had proof it was an escaped Chinese bio weapon), the election fraud (How bad was it that the the judicial system had turned down so much evidence) and the Antifa (How big are they? Am I far away enough from downtown Seattle that I'd be OK if they attacked.) I chose my words carefully. I didn't want to get into a deep debate on this. 

This did get me thinking though. Mentally, I still separate Trump supporters from Republicans who support Trump because he is the president. These Republicans may stay quiet on Trump theatrics for various personal reasons (lower taxes? abortion?) but, by and large they don't support his him as a person. 

Is that true? Does 45% of the country really believe the election was stolen? That COVID is a globalist conspiracy to take over the U.S? 

Either way, how should I engage people who radically disagree with me on not only on the facts and analysis, but the process chosen to determine what is a fact, what is evidence? Staying silent sounds like I tacitly agree. Confronting polarizes them and ends the conversation. Somehow I have to convey a loving and supportive doubt.  "Stay with me... I love you and I want to listen to you even though we disagree. I know this is the best you can do right now..."

A friend who is sometimes unclear on the concept...

1. Work has been busy for the husband and I this week.

2. The brother in law is applying for jobs. He has an interview for an Amazon warehouse role, and another interview as a support rep for an insurance company.

3. It's been cool and sunny here of late. I love this weather.

4. For the first time in my life I built my own PC and installed linux on it. Part of me did this because much of my work team is very anti Microsoft, anti Apple. I'm showing off to the cool kids at work, trying to get there respect.

Honestly, it took me about three weeks to build the PC. The first week it wouldn't even power up. The second week it would power up, but stop and blink all sorts of error lights. 

1. Friday I had a root canal. It went well. No pain now.

2. We feasted on Thanksgiving. Wednesday, the brother-in-law, H and the husband started prepping for dinner. Thursday they cooked it all up. I swear we had enough food for 12 people-- a cheese and veggie tray and deviled eggs to start, then turkey, candied yams, brussels sprouts, mashed potatoes, mac and cheese. Pies, brownies and tarts for dessert. 

We did not need all that food. It am very thankful to be leaving this way, with good friend, in the middle of a pandemic. 

The husband has already bought and wrapped my Christmas gift. He is very thoughtful like that. My brain is more like... hmmm... the holidays are coming up... o yeah... Christmas... should I get gifts for people?... I hate shopping... 

I developed a toothache over the weekend. I'm about to head into the dentist to see what's going on. 

 

Wind and rain today. The gardener is having one last go at the back yard before winter sets in. We've removed the hanging plants. We've cleaned and refilled the hummingbird feeders-- some humming birds, Anna's, will stay here year around.

The state is locking things down again. Covid is spiking. We've started buying larger batches of grocers so we won't go to the store so often. H, our room mate, rushed to get one last workout in before her gym closed due to the lock down. 

The brother-in-law is sober now. Since he arrived, he's been sitting on the sofa. Sometimes watching TV. Mostly contemplating his life.

Why does he want to drink... why is he driven to drink, even when he is past the point where he has lost his job, where his drinking is causes serious health problems? Why does he need someone there to stop him from drinking more?

1. The brother-in-law got out of detox a few days and proceeded to start drinking again. Today he called the husband, asking for help.

The husband and H are responding to the call. They will pick up the brother in law and drive him back to our place.

I don't understand addiction. I've never had problems saying no to alcohol or drugs. And yet, I'm married to a man in AA. Many of my friends are also members. 

Perhaps I should attend Al Anon more regularly. 

2. The brother in law is here now. He is looking rough. He is drunk. 

 The time is going by. Work is intense by day.

Did I mention... the husband got a promotion. I'm happy for him. His work has ramped up as a result though. 

The brother in law is in a mental health center detoxing, being counseled. He is in good spirits and talks to the husband at least once a day. 

He seems to have these meltdowns every year or so. He has for as long as I've known him. It's my hope that this time he will be cured. Maybe we are expecting too much from him-- that this time he will stay sober. 

Maybe I have to accept that, from time to time, the brother in law will hit a low. All I can do is love him for who he is.

 

This pic was taken as the sun was rising. It gave everything a warm glow.

The night of the election I slept poorly. It talked to H about it. H is a friend who is a black woman. H said she slept well. Her opinion is that the election won't change things as much as I think. She is probably right. This is all a good reminder of the serenity prayer.

 1...

We are at peak fall now. The days are sunny. The leaves have changed colour and are starting to fall.

The brother in law has fallen off the wagon-- in a big way. The husband is struggling with this. He is angry at his brother and won't rescue him.

2...

The husband himself is doing well. He just got a great promotion at work. A new team and a substantial raise with it. 

3. Halloween was quiet. Two families dropped by. Last year over a dozen did. The city asked families to not trick or treat, so I'm not sure why these two families did.

We ate most of the Halloween candy. I loved it. 

3. The election... the election... will it be crazy. Will it be fine. Seattle has asked stores in protest zone to lock up well by end of business tomorrow. Some stores are boarding up.

The rest of Seattle... it's all good. We are having dinner with a few friends tomorrow to watch the results.

4. I just Ubered the Brother in Law to the hospital. He is unable to stop drinking. He asked the Husband for help. 

I had my first colonoscopy. It went well. Last week I had my eyes examined. The week before was my annual physical. I guess all my medical maintenance is done now. At least until next year. 

The weather has cooled off. I have much more energy at this time of the year. The cool is invigorating. As such I have started doing a two mile hikes on many mornings. During the week I have several morning meetings where I must pay attention but don't have to participate. I'll put my earbuds in and join the meeting on my cell phone. Then the dog and I will go for a nice hike. 

The husband is getting stir crazy and wants to travel. We have a couple of friends who have started traveling frequently. There are great deals right now. I am not as comfortable with flying as he is. But, I am also not going stir crazy. I wish he could find a great way to burn off his energy. 

The husband has been sober for six years. We celebrated yesterday. It was good to catch up with a couple of his AA friends. 

He takes his sobriety birthday very seriously. We got dress up. We want to a nice restaurant. 

I am happy for him. I am also lucky to have him. 

I am fasting this morning. I have a doctors appointment this afternoon. Nothing serious. I am just beginning the health checks for fifty year old's go through. They will do a blood test that requires a fast.

If you want to make time go slowly, fast and skip your morning coffee. I have become very productive to distract my self from the fast. 

 

Fall is here. As it happens every year, the spiders have returned. Or perhaps they never left. Whatever the truth is, spiders build large numbers webs in the fall in the Pacific North West. I am in our backyard reading and I count no less than six large webs around me, in the bushes, in the trees and on the deck.

I’m fine with them but they creep the husband and the roommate out. 

Spiders aside, I enjoy this weather. I can use a few hours of quiet contemplation. Spiders are good company.

The post man knocked on the door today. When I answered, he handed me my keys. Apparently I forgot them yesterday in the mailbox lock.

So lucky. I wasn't even aware that I lost my keys. 

 The someone got his tests back. He did not have coronavirus.

Fall has come quickly. It's windy out. It's raining. 

What is coronavirus exposure etiquette? The Husband was exposed to someone whose roommate tested positive for COVID.  The husband texted everyone he had recently been in contact with. On Friday, we should know if that someone tests positive for COVID.

I am personally not worried about being infected.

Things quiet down...

The rains have come and cleaned up the local forest fires. Our air is back to normal. I don't know if the same is true in Oregon and California.

My dad had his first knee surgery. It went well. I'll have his second in the coming months. I'm going to try and be there for him, though that means I will need to quarantine for a few weeks.

The husbands parents are doing well.

C2 was in town for the weekend. He too is moving his father to a retirement home. We talked about the challenges of aging parents. Of course he is facing it all with his typical grumpy/stoic attitude. 

Tommy commented... "I imagine it is worse, far worse than a lil hurricane...since it covers many miles in all directions and the Smell is ever present"

I'm not sure how to compare the smoke to a hurricane. The smoke won't damage your home. It's a slow, drawn out thing. For most of us, it's not life threatening. You just feel low energy all the time and develop a scratchy throat. 

A hurricane hits you hard. Then it's over and you can assess the damage and come up with a plan.

Next topic... I made vinegar. Back when we were in California, the father-in-law gave me a case of cheap wine. I didn't feel like drinking it, so I decided to make vinegar with it. It's not hard.

The first batch finished yesterday. And, it tastes like vinegar. Nothing special. Maybe a bit stronger than regular white wine vinegar.

I pickled a batch of green beans with it. We shall see how that turns out.

The smoke is crazy today. I lose my breath walking up a hill I could ordinarily jog up. I am looking forward to the rains.

 I spoke too soon about glorious weather. We had about a day of smoke from the fires in eastern Washington.

The brother-in-law has stopped his alcoholic bender. He is back to work. The husband spends a few evenings a week with him. It's good for both of them.

I've been planning out how to spend some time with my parents. Because they are in Canada, I will have to quarantine for 15 days before I can visit them as the law says you cant quarantine in a house with anyone over the age of 65. This means I will need to spend probably three weeks in Canada. Too long to take vacation. So I must work from Canada for a few weeks. 

I've found a place where I can stay for two weeks-- I have many friends in Ontario. Now I have to check in with the husband. I don't think he'll be able to work from remote from Canada for three weeks. 

Too much planning. 

I see the first hints of fall. The flowers are past their prime. Some of the trees are dry, leaves turning brown.

Our backyard has a bit of a natural sundial. The sun only clears the tallest trees during the longest days of summer. Now with the days growing shorter, our afternoon sunlight is filtered by leaves.

Still, the weather is glorious. Sunny. Warm. No hints of the Seattle rain just yet.

Sunday we arrived home. I felt my mood lift up as I got out of the car. In Sacramento the temperature was 100F. The air was thick with smoke from the fires. In the Pacific Northwest the air is clean and the temperature is around 72F. 

The husband is heading downtown to spend the afternoon with his brother. The brother is trying to stay sober and to keep things together. The husband desperately wants him to succeed. 

Of course the news and work is also weighing heavily on the husband. This morning he asked how I handled it? Do I just ignore it? I took a breath and responded "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..."

It's going better than we thought. My mother-in-law's spirits are much improved now that she is home from the recovery center. She can use a walker to get around. 

Nurses will be dropping by regularly for physical & occupational therapy.

To be honest, I didn't know that there was a difference between physical and occupational therapy until now.

Later this week we are having a lift installed at her house. 

The biggest complication could be her pets.. The mother in-law's dog is very old and blind. She wanders randomly around the house. She pees and poos wherever she feels like it. She is on much medication. The first night we were here, we woke up to whimpering. The dog got stuck in a box and couldn't get out. 

That dog is not long for this world.

The brother-in-law is also on the mend. I'm not sure he is sober just yet, but he has started attending Zoom AA meetings. 

 I see the hurricanes coming your way Tommy. God bless. 

 

 We are on our way to the inlaws in California. The haze in the  photo is from the California wildfires. You can taste and smell it in the air.

I am actually not really sure what's going on with my brother-in-law. He didn't actually check himself into detox. Since then, he has been calling and texting the husband, asking for help. The husband drove to the brother-in-law's place and tried to pick him up, but the brother-in-law didn't open the door, or respond to shouts from the street. 

The husband is done with his brother. Right now my mother-in-law is in the hospital. She will need help when she gets out. We are traveling to California this weekend for that. The brother-in-law is making his own choices. He has to deal with these consequences. 

The brother in law has fallen of the wagon. This morning he checked himself into a detox. This has been weighing heavily on the Husband. Thankfully the Husband didn't come to his rescue. The brother in law made this choice himself. 

 

We are at peak summer. The flower are in full boom. The weather is perfect. The days are sunny and warm

The mother in law is doing better. She will get out of recovery in another week or two. When that happens we will head down to California to care for her for a couple of weeks. 

We were out on a friends boat today. We trolled past where the billionaires live. It's interesting to see the degrees of richness. There are those who have a nice house on the water. There are those who have a very big and nice house on the water. There are those who have a very big and nice house with a huge manicured lawn along the water. Then there are those rare few who live in what appear to be huge parks along the water and have security that will chase you away if you linger too long. 

The brother-in-law has moved out. He's found a little studio apartment in downtown Seattle. Yesterday the husband helped him move. 

Yesterday evening was quiet. I didn't realize how accustomed I've become to his constant engagement.

The mother-in-law-- after a good nights sleep, she became much more even tempered. She still isn't happy where she is. We are not either. The staff sounds over worked. Nothing dangerous though. 

My mother in law is angry at everything. She is in a recovery center now and seem to be in good hands, though she is in pain.

The husband the brother-in-law are spending a lot of time listening to her. They are worried that the medical staff around her will give up because of her non-stop anger. The options to move her to another recovery center are very limited because of COVID. Also, there is no guarantee that she won't be just as angry in the next recovery center since she can't really express why she is angry. When the husband asked her questions about what was wrong and what she needed, she becomes angry at him for asking questions, for not helping. 

Otherwise, thing would be nice here in Seattle. The weather is wonderful. Our jobs are going well. 

My father needs knee surgery. He will probably have this surgery in November. I'm trying to figure out how to join him. He is in Canada, so I will need to quarantine for two weeks before I see him. Canada actually enforces these things so I can't cheat. 

When it rains it pours.

Last night my mother-in-law fell and broke her pelvis. She is in the hospital and will require long term care.

The husband and I figuring out our plans now. 

"These lessons that our parents are teaching us. This is not how you live." -- my brother-in-law


We are back home.
Thursday we drove the 13 hours from the in-laws to our place.

Things ended well my father-in-law. He seems to be happy in the new place. He is socializing a little. He is eating proper meals. He is taking his medications appropriately. His voice is a little more cheerful.

My mother-in-law is now considering her situation.

My friend C2 is fond of pointing out that decisions can be decisive, delayed, or desperate. The latter happening when you put off making hard choices, when you run out of time and end up accepting the only option on the table.

The seems to be what my father-in-law did. He desperately wanted to retain his freedom and to keep everyone happy. Maybe if he pushed the hard choices off a bit, then he would feel better. More energized. That's not what happened. He ended up unable to take care of himself in the hospital and needing someone to quickly move him.

My mother-in-law is also going down that path. The retirement homes she can afford aren't nice enough for her, so she keeps pushing off the decision. Most of the day she sits alone in her house. Her social circle have greatly shrunk due to COVID. She is on oxygen. She is too tired to drive anywhere or do things, especially in the heat of the north-central California summer.

I hope she makes a decisive choice.

In the future, I hope I make a decisive choice.

Why does my father-in-law have all this food that expired in 2016? Why not 2018? 2014? 

 

What do you do with a CD player when the lone CD with the player is from the one concert that your father-in-law and his son attended decades ago. 

 

What about the Z-ion cleanse? What is a Z-ion cleanse? It looks valuable. It may be valuable to someone? Should we try to sell it? Is this just garbage tricking us into keeping it.

 

What do you do with a five year old washer and dryer when the divorced mother-in-law says “mine are twenty years old, and your father promised me his years ago, and I’ll need you to help me move them”  in the one hundred degree heat. And to help get rid of her old ones.

The dryer is gas and she doesn’t have gas. She changes her mind. Thank God.

 

What about these two bottles of brandy and the case of wine? I thought he didn’t drink. Lets not ask. Let me just set them aside, where no one will notice.

 

There are ice cream sandwiches in the freezer. Why didn’t you tell me there are ice cream sandwiches in the freezer? What is that guilty look on your face? Have you been secretly eating ice cream sandwiches and not sharing?

 

Why are there a dozen remotes, but none go with the TVs? 

 

What to do with the computer that belonged to your deceased  brother, that was last turned on by him years ago?

 

Or the model train. 

 

Or the baseball caps.

 

Or the nick knacks from trips long past. 

 

Or the boxes of cards and photos.

 

When are sentimental things just a trap that bogs you down? When can they provide constructive experiences evoking those that you love?

 

Tommy… I agree with you… at some point it is best to keep the money in the bank and live in a smaller place. In comfortable surroundings. Among kindred spirits.. 

 

And it is best to be there long before your physical and mental abilities decline to the point where you have no choice and must depend on others.

Why are there dead bees on the carpet?

My father-in-law is in his new apartment. Its one room with a kitchen and bathroom in an assisted living facility. 

Yesterday morning, my husband, his brother and their sister brought a few things over from my father-in-laws old apartment and set the new one up nicely.

My father-in-law arrived late in the afternoon. Covid prevents them from being together, though they can open a window to the outside and talk through it.

Today we start to clean out my father-in-law's old apartment. 

Today we went on another long road trip to California 

The husband, his brother and I left Seattle around 4:30am.  We arrived at my mother-in-law's by 8:30pm. Along the way we stopped for a couple of hours-- the husband and I both had to take calls for work.

My father in law moves tomorrow. He'll be out of the hospital and into his assisted living apartment. Quarantine rules are in effect so we won't be close to him for some time.

The husband and his brother have headed over to my father-in-law's old apartment to get a few last things and bring them to his new place.

We'll be here a week before we head back. In that time we'll shut down the father-in-law's old apartment. 

We hosted a going away party today. A friend is moving away from Seattle and we wanted to say good bye.

There were eight guests. We all wore masks, except while we ate. It was good to see everyone and to send our friend off.

Afterwards the husband and I had a good conversation about social distancing. This part was a little larger I am comfortable with, though I could easily keep my distance. Everyone there got it. No one complained about wearing masks. In fact, we encouraged each other.

I have finally found some masks that I like, that are comfortable, and that don't cause my glasses to fog up too much. There is still much to learn about mask etiquette. How safe am I being if I regularly push my mask aside to sip at my drink? Or eat a hamburger?

Two good neighbours are moving. They both work in the airline industry, one for the big jet manufacturer and one as a stewardess. This last year has not been kind to them or their jobs.

The husband's father will be OK. He is still in the hospital; just under observation. The family is planning what will happen after he gets out. He is no longer capable of living alone. He needs assisted living.

Currently, the husband and I, and maybe the brother in law, will drive down to California next week. We will pack his things and move what we can.

My father in law is in the hospital. Breathing problems. 

The animal that's across the street-- that's a bear. I came across it while I was walking the dog. The dog started a stare off with the bear. I turned around and we went back home.

We are back from California.

The rental that we stayed at had live stock. Cows, pigs & chickens.

The trip itself was emotionally draining. My father-in-law is 90. His health is declining and he now needs regular help. With Covid, we don't want to move him to an assistive care facility.

There is a bit of a plan now-- a cousin will move in with the father-in-law for a while.

Of course it's all more complex than that. My father-in-law doesn't want anyone to worry about him. He'd rather sit in his apartment and rot than ask anyone for help. It took a lot of patient listening until we figured out what is going wrong and to hear his concerns.

Yesterday we drove to central California. We are staying here for a week to visit the husband's parents and to get a little R&R. 

We are not actually on vacation.. We rented a nice apartment for the week. Both of us brought our laptops and are going to work during the day. 

Two thoughts on this... First, the husbands parents can be tiring if you spend more than a couple of hours with them. By renting a place and working during the day, we can visit with them every night for a week. 

Second, COVID means we must work remote. Travel is very restricted. Lets try new things and see how they go.

Over the weekend Brown had a BBQ at his place. He lives across the Sound, so we had a good ferry ride to visit him.

The dog has been groomed for the first time in months. With short hair, she is not heating up as quickly, and has regained a lot of energy.

Got him. It only took two months and, um, an expensive new camera.

Corona-virus thoughts-- lately I'm feeling different about this situation. I used to feel like I just had to bear down and power though it. Now I'm feeling... acceptance?

I want to start exploring how to live in a world where will must perpetual distancing.

I'm going to clean and organize my office like I'm going to work there permanently. Right now it's just a desk with a bunch of stuff I shoved aside back in March.

We are also talking about driving to California to visit the Husband's parents. It will be a working trip. Both of us will work for the day, since we can work from anywhere. We can hang out with his parents in the evenings. 

A slightly better picture of Rufus.

We were away at the ocean over the weekend. A friend has a cottage in ocean side village and invited us along.

We've had a couple of big road trips over the past few weeks. It's had me reflecting on our social distancing strategy.

Restaurants in this county have reopened at one third capacity. Saturday evening we went out for dinner for the first time in months. The waiters wore masks. Hand offs of plates and bill were all careful.

We ate breakfast in the cottage. The rest of our meals were take out. We wore masks to pick up the food.

I'm not sure I'd call this all a great example of social distancing though. Cases and deaths are way down in Washington but the pandemic is far from over. Things may be quiet over the summer.

We've avoided the protests in Seattle. One of my employees lives in a condo above a park with many demonstrations. I'll get the news from her today.

To help with work-from-home, my employer will send me a new standing desk and an adjustable chair. The husband veto'd the desk-- too ugly.  I will get the chair.

Rufus the hummingbird has changed his patterns. I was a little worried when I didn't see him on Tuesday. Wednesday when a hummingbird tried to drink from the feeder, he popped out from somewhere and chased off the intruder. 

I think that so many flowers in bloom, he is stretched thin protecting his territory. 

We went away for the weekend to Winthrop WA, a tiny little town east of the mountains. Lots of hiking. Gorgeous views.

The hotel was properly social distanced. The restaurant and bar were closed. Food was takeout only.

At some of the stores in Winthrop, you could literally window shop. You couldn't enter the store, but the shop keeper would post their number on the door. You called the shop keeper and discussed the merchandise. They would bring things up to the window, and answer questions.

The coffee and ice cream place had way too many people not social distancing.

I saw Rufus chase away a humming bird that was sitting at our feeder. While Rufus was off on the war path, these two settled in for a sip.

I turned 50 yesterday. This husband made it a great day.

For a few weeks now, behind my back, he had been organizing friends to send me a birthday cards. The husband had been intercepting the cards at the mailbox. When I walked into the dining room yesterday morning, I saw the table covered by three dozen cards. It was wonderful to go through them all.

He made me his special Strawberry cake.

In the evening, we had a zoom call with east coast friends. We ate the cake and sent out pieces to our neighbors. We don't need that much cake in our house.

Our friends A & E came over for a piece of cake. We had a discussion about this beforehand. Our state is opening up soon. And all of us had been healthy while quarantining. So, it was OK to spend some time with A & E. We will need to watch that this doesn't become a pattern. 

Sunday night, I wanted to get drunk. So drunk that I'd have a hangover. Of course I didn't. But it was a weird craving. Part of me is rebelling against our pleasant and repetitive isolation.

Starting June, Washington state is scheduled to enter the next phase of reopening. We will still be asked to wear masks, and to distance. I'll continue to work from home. More stores will be open.

Work may send me a standing desk and chair to facilitate long term work-from-home. I talked the plans through with our local office manager. When my company opens up we will be way more conservative than the Government. My company wants us to work from home till there is a treatment or vaccine. Rather than opening the office in June I'll be able to do is to schedule a slot where I enter  the office and get my personal effects. After that, it's back to working from home.

Small update on the work situation-- work from home will be expected until there is a vaccine or treatment for Covid. That could be a year or more out.

I scheduled a Zoom lunch for my teams at work. It turned out well. People were grateful for the social time. 

The husband continues to be a bit stir crazy. Last night, the husband suggested we go out for dinner. I suggested that I could would make dinner. He replied that he didn't want to do any cleaning afterwards. I assured him that I wold do all the cleaning

He firmly responded "I need to go out."

We had ordered burgers to go from a local restaurant. We ate them in the car and then drove around a bit. Toured some of the the little developments and neighborhoods that are popping up around here.

I continue to watch Rufus the hummingbird throughout the day. My office window looks out over the backyard so it's a pleasant distraction.

It turns out Rufous hummingbirds are very territorial. Rufus regularly chases away other hummingbirds. Our neighbors also have a hummingbird feeder which is part of his territory. He zips back and forth between the different feeders, and dive bombs any other hummingbird who dares take a sip. I've now know his attack trill and quickly look up when he's on the attack.

We got out a bit over the weekend.

Saturday we handed off our tax statements to our accountant. We were all masked. In fact, our accountant made us nice Seahawks masks.

Afterwards, we stopped by a bicycle store. At the store, no one but the husband and I were wearing masks.

On the way home we drove through the Tahoma National Cemetary. Very scenic. Very solomn.

Sunday we stopped by a friend's for his birthday. We brought our own lunch. They had theirs. We stayed on opposite sides of the room, eating & catching up.

After that we stopped by Clem & Bates to pick up some stuff of mine that I stored there. Clem and Bates are using the quarantine time to clean up and purge. They reminded me about the box and so we swung by and to retrieve it. We bumped elbows to say hello.

That little orange/brown blob on the end of the dead branch-- that's Rufus.

Posting this picture, I feel like I'm photographing Big Foot. He does exist! That blur really is him! He was far away and moved too fast. You believe me, don't you?

Exempting the pandemic, all is well here in the suburbs of Seattle. The weather is pleasant today. My work schedule has a enough free time that I should be all caught up by the end of the day.

Work wise, the company says that it will be at least a month before the offices are reopened.