I have an uncle and aunt on this side of the continent. They and my father haven’t seen each other in 14 years. Age and its accompanying struggles have prevented their travel.

Today, we all had lunch together. It was heartwarming. My father was moved to tears.

Grandview park. Hazy from the fires. 

Chilliwack is lovely. It’s a rather new city and they are doing a great job keeping it attractive. 

Yesterday, dad had a 24 hour flu. He’s over it now. This is a big relief. It’s easy for my mind to spiral when caring for an 82yo man in a foreign country. 

Today we are on to the next leg of our trip… more family travel. I have relatives in southern BC and my brother is in Alberta, so we are going on a road trip to visit them and to see the sights along the way. 

We’ve been having low-key days with dad. We went to a car museum, as well as exploring the Ballard locks. 

It’s difficult for me to gauge my father’s energy level. We can stroll short distances without problem. But sometimes he’ll suddenly tell me that he needs to sit and rest for a while. 

We will need to keep our exploring to areas with benches. 

Tommy wrote…

So I am curious. You specify two pods of Orcas; how do you know if they are who they are, etc.? Who gives them their distinct pod names?

Let me see if I remember enough of what the biologist shared 

Washington State Fish and Wildlife names pods in this  state. Fish and Wildlife in California is also involved as the T in T137 means transient. In this case T137 calls California their home. Down there, California F&W calls them something else.

Orcas are matriarchal. So T137 is also the name of the matriarch of that pod. Pods can be ephemeral. They can split and rejoin. By and large the sons of a matriarch will stick with her for years. The daughters will go their own way after a year or two. 

Sons are named by sticking on a letter. Daughters with numbers. So the sons of T137 are T137a, T137b and so on. The first daughter of T137a would be T137a1

More details… https://www.orcabehaviorinstitute.org/meet-the-matrilines/t137s

Wednesday— whale watching.

We saw two pods of orcas (T137 & T75b). The T75b pod was hunting seals. At one time, we saw many seals rushing out of the ocean and onto a rocky beach while the hungry orcas cruised the shores. 

We took the scenic route back and caught the views on Whidbey Island and Deception Pass.

Tuesday morning, my father and I toured west Seattle. It’s inner harbor has Seattle’s port. The cranes offloading the container ships are enormous and powerful. It excites the construction-kid in me.

Later, I took my dad around the neighborhood. Partly to see the art, partly for an afternoon coffee and partly to see how well he can walk on hills. He handed the hills well, even though we did have to pause a few times.

Tuesday evening our luggage made its way back to us.

Of course our luggage didn’t arrive. The recharger for dad’s rechargeable hearing aids was in his luggage. So this morning, we are talking loud in the TV volume is up. 

 Tommy says… 

I don't fly anymore

I understand. Flying comes with a whole set of headaches that not everyone needs.

Our departure flight was delayed by thunderstorms. Fortunately our connecting flight was also delayed by thunderstorms. We had to race through the airport and customs to catch that flight.

We did make it on time and were the last to board. The attendants clapped as we arrived and cheered us on by name.

This was not an experience I’d wish for my father. He is mentally all there, but is slowing down. His fingers are stiff and bad at touch screens. Even though he wears hearing aids, the noise everywhere makes conversation difficult. I’m not sure he’ll fly out west again. 

These are the items I frequently check for when traveling. Some, like ID, are critical to travel. Others are conveniences that I’ve overlooked so often that I feel dumb when I leave them behind. 

ID, passports, wallet 
Electronics— cell, laptop, e-book
Chargers.
Water bottle
Weather appropriate jacket
Weather appropriate hat

I’ll do an explicit check when I leave my home or hotel— I must see each item. Other times, such as when I am getting out of a taxi, it’s enough to mentally go over the list.

When I am traveling with someone I’ll occasionally double check on their items. So many people leave water bottles behind. 

I should probably add sunglasses to the list, except I’ve lost my sunglasses so often that I don’t bother with them anymore 

I have a collection of caps and hats that only exists because I’ve repeatedly forgot to bring one along and so bought one at the destination. 

Once I left my e-book on the jet. Two months later, the airline reached out to me and returned it. That was luck.

Chargers... I have left so many chargers behind. The other way around, I’ve discovered many stray chargers in hotels and guest homes. Every now and then I’ll stay overnight at my brother’s before I fly out of Ottawa. The cell charger in his spare bedroom is one I forgot years ago. 

My last full day in Ontario. Dad and I fly back on Monday.

Today’s activities…

Investigate the garage door opener… It has been failing to close all the way. We found and fixed multiple potential causes. When we oiled some of the springs the problem abated. 

Church… We had a good pastor this morning. At coffee afterwards we caught up on the details of Aunt G’s funeral. Also, many of the parishioners are happy that dad is traveling again. It’s been ten years since he last flew. 

Afternoon visit Uncle R…. He is about as well as could be expected.

Work on Dad’s computer… Dad’s old computer is on its last legs. My brothers and I got him a new computer. I’ve been porting everything over and trying to make it look and act (saved passwords, link and app locations)  as much like the old one as possible.

I am very thankful that my father has healthy, social media and news habits. He checks Facebook about once a week. He watches the news from three different channels for no more than an hour a day. I should do the same.

Dad and I have been catching up with family.

Last night we had drinks with cousin B&M. All is well with them. They’re expecting their first grandchild soon.

This morning we had water with cousin M. He is an interesting fellow. He lives the travel van life. He preaches a bit, but his denomination can’t afford real compensation. So he travels around in his van, doing odd jobs.

His diet is more strict than vegan, hence we didn’t have the traditional coffee and cookies. We stuck with water

After cousin M left, dad expressed relief that he didn’t ask to rent a room.

In the afternoon we had a brief chat with cousin H. It sounds like the major decisions for Aunt G’s funeral have all been made. She is more relaxed. 

Cousin H and I have 36 shared cousins. She has even more on the other side of her family. She expressed frustration trying to track down the cousins to ensure they all knew of Aunt G‘s passing.

When mom passed, I did not call all of my cousins. Somehow they just found out. I am not embarrassed by my lack of etiquette.

Aunt G passed last night. She is in a better place now. 

We don’t yet know the schedule for her visitation and funeral. Originally dad and I were going to fly back to Seattle on Monday. We may adjust that by a day or two.

We spent much of the morning with Uncle R— he and my father chatting, one widow to another. Uncle R and Aunt G had been together for more than 65 years. 

Today's list…

Dad and I visited Uncle R. He's grown much more accepting of Aunt G's impending death.

We drove him over to see her. Aunt G needs skilled nursing, and since their apartment is in independent living, they must be separated for now.

She's emaciated and can no longer take food or water. She did briefly open her eyes when Uncle R called her name. My father and I left them alone for a few minutes, until Uncle R was ready to go.

Several times during our visit, Uncle R asked how far Aunt G's nursing home was from his. I didn't think much of it at the time. Later we learned he'd been threatening to walk away from his apartment and squat with Aunt G. I hope it doesn't come to that. He's very frail and has dementia—it wouldn't end well.

After we drove Uncle R back, we stopped by to see some other uncles and aunts who had RV'd up to the valley to spend time with R and G.

We had lunch with them. Good conversation. They were curious about my recent retirement and my thoughts on Trump. Surprisingly, it stayed balanced and apolitical. Everyone seems clear on who Trump is, what he wants, and the consequences of his decisions.

After lunch, we dropped by Cousin A's farm and helped him remove a stump. We also borrowed a live trap—there are raccoons around Dad's house, and he wants to get rid of them.

Last night we got together for dinner with a nearby cousin. He’s a bit of a muckraker. He brought up Sunday’s overly conservative guest pastor. 

“I asked him (The guest pastor) who I should vote for, and he avoided answering my question …. He’s just another guy who wants me to be angry.”

Sometimes offering help is an act of compassion— demonstrating that you care. 

And sometimes offering help means that you think the recipient cannot complete the task on his own and needs your assistance.

This is a tension when I visit my father.

My father is an 82 year old man who lives on a gorgeous property that requires much maintenance. His property has 30 acres of bush that constantly need to be beat back as they encroach on the trails and buildings.

Today we dealt with a dead tree that was threatening to fall on a shack. This task involved cables, ladders, a chain saw and a tractor to ensure it fell safely without damaging anything. 

My father was nimble enough to do much of the work even though he is clearly slowing down. I was grateful to help. He is aware I am keeping an eye on his physical abilities. Occasionally he will make a joke “Have I passed the test? Do I get to live here a bit longer?” 

An aunt has entered palliative care.  While she may still have weeks to live, her family has started traveling to the Valley for what may be their last visits.

We visited her husband / my uncle today. They have had to be separated because her palliative care unit does not have accommodations for him. This is the first time they have been apart in decades. It’s frustrating for him. He doesn’t understand why. He has started exhibiting a bit of dementia so he has problems advocating for what he wants in healthy ways. Their children are talking the visitors through the situation, and how to manage his demands. 

My aunt is quiet. She mostly refuses to eat. She peacefully rests in her bed. 

In the 1950s, my family church was founded by Dutch immigrants. Today, half of the congregation are my blood relatives. The other half are family friends. The after-sermon coffee is a great way to catch up with people I’ve known my whole life.

The church doctrine is very conservative. Take 1 Timothy 2:12: "I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet." Some members take this seriously. 

I’ve had an uncle and an aunt leave our church entirely after a woman guest pastor preached there.

Don't get me started on what the Bible says about homosexuality.

Mist of congregation is welcoming. When my husband and I visit, they are warm and engaging. The conservative side pops up in the sermons. 

So when my husband and I attend, I brace myself. About a third the time the sermon will contain something that raises my eyebrows.

During today's sermon, the guest pastor went down that path. I heard my husband groan. Later, my brother said he was ready to walk out mid-sermon.

Afterward, we discussed with my father. His take? "This guy was too political. I've heard he's been asked to leave churches before."

Thank you dad! 

For the past few days we’ve been hanging out with family. Today was at an Aviation museum. 

Part of today’s excursion was to gage how much activity my father can handle. He in his 80s, slowing down and has bad knees. We want to do more things with him, but we’ve been uncertain how long he can walk.

It went well. While he did sit a few times, he largely stayed on his feet for the few hours at the museum. 

My father rarely locks the door. Also, he keeps the key in the lock so he won’t struggle to find the key should he need it. We sleep each night with the door unlocked and the key intentionally in the lock. 

This frustrates my husband. What if thieves show up? It’s a leap of faith to believe that won’t happen here. He has never lived in such a community. He is also very cautious and conservative about safety. 

I love this about our local community. It is a bit naive. It’s also they way they want to live. 

We are back in the Ottawa valley at my father’s. The heat wave has passed. There is smoke is in the air from the fires up north.

Some of my family up here is aging and in need of additional care even though they are too stubborn to admit this. My father is doing well. His hearing is on the decline, so we must ensure he is actively listening if we need him to think and participate in the conversation. 

We are working our way across Ontario visiting friends and family along the way. The heat has been oppressive so we’ve gone to museums over hiking in the outdoors

Schedule today— breakfast with a friend in Picton. Drive two hours. Lunch with cousins in Smith Falls. Drive two more hours and arrive at my father’s in time for dinner. 

We have a large amount of travel planned over the next few months. With this trip we are taking more time to have relaxed visits with friends and family where previously we needed to rush. At first I was worried that we’d get bored with the slower pace. That has not been the case. With the extra time we’ve been able to spend more time with friends. explore and discover beauty that’s always been there, but didn’t fit the schedule.

Flowerpot Island on Georgian Bay… 

We are spending the days hiking swimming and playing games. I love the smell of a fresh water lake though the pine forest. 

Bruce Peninsula National Park…

It’s gorgeous here. Went on a good hike. Had a pleasant dip in the lake. 

The old big tech company that I once worked for announced a voluntary retirement package for its most senior employees. That was followed by a round of layoffs. My social media feeds are full of former colleagues saying they’ve retired and are so grateful for their careers.

Their private emails are not so cheerful. The voluntary retirement package was not so voluntary with management vaguely hinting that some employees would be laid off if they didn’t retire.

I’m blissfully detached from this. Nor do I feel sorry for them. For decades, these people were very, very well paid. When I return to Seattle, I would like to catch up with them. I’ve known some of them as colleagues, friends and mentors since my internships in the 90s. 

Tonight’s sunset is fantastic…

Day 3 of our retirement trip

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… we are at a cottage In Tobermory on Lake Huron. We are spending the next few days here with some of my oldest friends. This is much needed downtime. 

There will be blog posts.

Tuesday we traveled up to my home town.

Wednesday we went with bunch of my local friends to Canada’s Wonderland— a big amusement park.

It was great to hang out with them. I can’t tolerate roller coasters like I used to. My husband still loves them. 

It it also our wedding anniversary. It tickles my husband a little that we celebrated our anniversary at an amusement park. 

It's been a week of smaller celebrations— Tuesday with my brother-in-law, Wednesday with Clem and Bates, Friday with my old boss, Saturday with my husband's old boss, and Sunday with our travel friends, WS & PT. 

Today, I've had my last meetings. My access to work has been revoked. My laptop is at the courier. My retirement is now in full effect. 

Eagles and crows do not get along. I have heard that eagles hunt baby crows in their nests. Once or twice a week I’ll see a group of crows mobbing an eagle.

Saturday morning while we were in the front yard, we heard a loud thump from our upper deck. We looked up and saw a mob of crows chasing an eagle. They were barely above the roof of our house and quickly flew off.

I wanted to know what caused the loud thump. Had a crow slammed into a window? Knocked over a flower pot?

When I looked on the upper deck I saw this fish. It’s about a foot long. I presume the eagle had the fish, but let it go to help it outfly the crows.

Don't tell any 20 years old that you intend to disconnect - for them it would induce death throes! Roderick

I wish it were just the 20 year olds. I know several people my age who have an unhealthy attachment with their cell phone. 

The final dates are clear. My husband retires July 3. My last day is July 6.

Both of our jobs are winding down. Soon my husband’s corporate car will be reclaimed.  I’m arranging the return of my company property. 

Many of our calls start with someone asking “Will this be the last time we talk?”

Even with my impending retirement, I must stay close to a laptop or cell phone. For decades, as part of my job, I've always been in some form of on-call. In my prior job, managers will told that overnight, their phones had to be in a charger and on their bed side table. It's a little different at the current company, but not much. 

Turning off my cell phone... disconnecting from the internet...these are things that I crave. I'm not going to do a internet-detox, but I do want disconnect from time to time. I don't want to check my cell first thing in the morning.

Yesterday evening was my retirement party. A coworker was kind enough to host. 

It went very well. Most of the attendees were from my current company. There were a few from the old. It was nice to catch up with them. 

The celebration of life was wonderful. The guests have departed. The house is one-again quiet.

My husband and his brother did a fantastic job organizing the weekend. 

They put a lot of effort into making everything run smoothly. They are both exhausted and need some well-deserved rest.

The weekend was split into two main gatherings interspersed by smaller get-togethers with different groups of friends and family. Sunday morning, was the formal celebration. This service was attended by many people, including residents from my mother-in-law's retirement community.

In the afternoon we rented boat and a smaller group of close acquaintances took her ashes out onto the lake for a final farewell. Earlier, my husband placed her ashes into a biodegradable urn. Once the boat reached the middle of the lake, he set the urn into the water. We all watched as it floated for a few minutes before sinking. The moment brought a few tears, followed by a quiet family hug as we all said our final goodbyes.

Sunday is my mother-in-law’s celebration of life. My husband and my brother-in-law are working hard on its preparations. 

The event is weighing on my husband. Between writing a eulogy and preparing his mother’s ashes— spooning off some into vials for her grandkids, I can see he feels blue. 

Family is flying in for the celebration. We are hosting a few. They are sharing old stories, chewing over past. The fights. The good times and the bad. The divorces and the relationships that lasted. 

"Remember how Grandma saw and heard apparitions and thought she was a mystic connected to the spirit realm. I was in amazed when I was a kid... Now I think it was Lewy body dementia." 

Monday and Tuesday my leads and I were in San Francisco training up my replacement. It went well. He is smart and curious. 

One of my guys joked that I am in my lame duck phase. I had a good laugh. 

Work finally feels like it’s winding down. I’ve encouraged my team to think through their parting requests. What conversations do they wish someone would have but won’t because it’s career limiting? What do they want to blame me for when I’m gone? I’ve been through enough reorgs to learn that you can hide a mistake every time management changes. You can’t hide too many mistakes because that looks like excuses and finger pointing. But one well chosen mistake… go for it

“This project is coming in late because the old boss didn’t put resources on it quickly enough.” No one would know the truth. 

We’ve been in Calgary since Friday and are now on our way back home.

Friday evening, we had dinner with my friend SJ who coincidentally was here on business. 

Saturday, we went on a long ebike ride along the river. In the evening we had dinner with our friends A&D. 

Athabaska Glacier

Today we hiked the Athabaska glacier. The sense of scale doesn’t come accross in the photos. Everything is enormous. If you zoom in, you will see little black flecks on the glacier. These are people. 

Sulphur Mountain

Banff

The rain has let up so we have been exploring Banff. The view is glorious. 

My sister in law may have pushed herself too hard yesterday. She is stiff and sore today. Hopefully this will go away over the day. 

Johnston Canyon

My sister in law is recovering well! She can go to the bathroom again and, with some assistance, walk.

Things are going well for us in Banff. Despite the rain, there are many things to do. My husband has been catching up with his coworkers. 

My sister in law is recovering. It will be a few days before we know how well. She has a fever and a UTI that are now under control. Sensation has returned to the parts of her body that were previously numb.

My brother is very frustrated and angry at the medical system around him. I’m not sure how to read this. Anger and frustration have always been his main tools for dealing with disagreement. He has not learnt the arts of navigating and negotiating in complex situations. My sister in law may be getting the care she needs. Or she may be in a system that is overtaxed. 

I shut up about my situation. My husband and I are being spoiled in Banff. We listen to my brother vent and try to help him understand the process that’s going on around them. They may both be expecting rapid recovery, though the reality is that recovery will take weeks. It’s not easy to coach patience when she spends every waking minute in pain. 

My middle brother’s wife has had a turn for the worse. She had a surgery to remove a cyst that was along her spine. A day after she was discharged from the hospital, she started to regress. They ended up life-flighting her back to the hospital. An MRI revealed a blood clot and pressure buildup in her spine. She had an emergency surgery overnight and is now recovering. 

My coworkers are planning a retirement party for me. It will just be my local coworkers as most of my group is elsewhere. 

Happy Memorial Day.

Lunch with my old coworker went well. He thanked me for reaching out and lamented that he and his wife are both nerdy introverts, so they don’t have many social opportunities. 

He enjoys being retired. He has to put more effort into finding something meaningful and challenging, but that’s not a bad problem.

After lunch my husband and I drove down to C3 and QJ for an afternoon bbq with the AA crowd. I enjoyed. Too many sweets. 

Tommy wrote...

Your Mother-in-Law, from your description, was a Free Spirit and was directed by her own feelings and desires. Hopefully, her sons share that Spirit of Personal adventure.

My Mother-in-Law was a free spirit. It imparted very different lessons on her sons. While, they do both have a healthy spirit of personal adventure, they also have a craving for the stability and family that they never experienced as a child.  By and large, they are much more balanced. 

This memorial weekend is going well. The weather is cooler and cloudier. Saturday, we went on a long walk along our local beaches. 

Sunday, I am having lunch with an old coworker who is "exploring retirement." We both left the big-tech-company the year before COVID. Then a few months back he was laid off. This story is not uncommon.  

My mother-in-law's celebration-of-life is in a couple of weeks.  My husband and his brother are busy planning. There are a surprising amount of logistics.

She had multiple ex lovers and husbands. At one point her sons started a serious discussion on which of the ex's should have their picture displayed at the celebration. My brother-in-law cracked that he wanted all the exs to be displayed in chronological order. They broke out laughing as they struggled to name them.

My actual birthday was uneventful. The weather was pleaseant. 

My husband was away in Alaska for work.  This was his last work trip before retirement. 

My friend C2 traveled over for a dinner. We ate at a nice local fish-and-chips restaurant. Afterwards we walked along the beach, chatted and let the dog paw at all the smelly things in the sand. 

I was wondering about the long silence. ...Roderick

I am flattered that you were curious. Honestly most days have been routine-- work, maybe errands, meals, a little exercise, a little entertainment.

My birthday is Wednesday. Sunday we hosted my birthday BBQ. It was good to have people over. The cake was delicious. 

My brother-in-law shared an update about his family tree. Usually I don't blog about the lives of others. I'm making an exception here. I love this story. 

For a while I've known that my brother-in-law is only a half brother to my husband, though I’ve never known the full story. There is no doubt that my husband is his father's son. They look very similar. My brother-in-law, however, looks very different. 

Decades ago when my parents-in-law first met, my father-in-law knew my mother-in-law was seeing other men. When she became pregnant my father-in-law married her without question. Through out his life my brother-in-law was treated as a full son, never less. We all have great respect for my father-in-law because of that.

Flash forward to 2018. My brother in law is now sixty and curious about the details of his family tree. He had his DNA tested at Ancestry.com.

The results were unexpected. While his parents were German and Czech, he was 50% Mexican. 

My brother-in-law approached his mother about this discovery. She was embarrassed,  evasive and confused. She claimed she had never dated a Mexican even though the tests said otherwise. Eventually she recalled the name of his biological father who she insisted was Spanish. Not Mexican! Spanish!

 

My brother-in-law did some initial research and found that his biological father had passed away years earlier. With that, he set down his investigation and moved on. 

Over the next few years, Ancestry.com would occasionally point my brother-in-law to potential cousins, nephews, nieces, aunts, uncles and other distant relatives. He never pursued those connections.

At one point an aunt reached out to him and said "I'm the keeper of our family tree! I'd like to add you. How do you fit in?"

My brother-in-law responded that he was not ready to be a part of a new family tree. 

A few months ago Ancenstry.com matched a half-brother. The half-brother reached out to my brother-in-law. They started texting and slowly getting to know each other. About a month ago he flew to California to spend a weekend with his half brother and his wife.

As it turns out, their biological father had several kids with different mothers. This is why so many of them were on Ancestry.com. They are all reaching out, searching for lost relatives and building new relationships with those they find. They have welcomed my brother-in-law with open arms. 

I'm happy for my brother-in-law.

The weather has been perfect lately. Pleasant during the day. Cool sleeping weather at night. Wonderful sunsets for just to enjoy should we walk along the beach in the evening.

It sounds like the executives are about to make an offer for my replacement. I've interviewed him. He's a good guy. I'm staying out of the final decision which is fine as I don't have to live with the consequences. 

The org seems to be past the shock of all the departures. There is still some anxiety, but no one is asking "Am I next?" Hiring my replacement will help.

An old friend is staying at our place for a few days. He was one of my first roommates in University. 

It's good to catch up with him. We've been reminiscing and texting our old roommates. Were we as messy as we recall? Were we as impulsive with our major life decisions as it now seems?

My friend and I both started in STEM programs. Over time my friend became disillusioned with life in the corporate world. He became an activist. He first started volunteering for and later creating charities in Central and South America. He now leads a large NGO in Nicaragua. I've always admired his morals and ethics. But why Nicaragua? Even he doesn't have a great answer for that. He saw a need. He had the skills and time. So he made the choice. 

Gorgeous day today. I walked the dogs with my brother-in-law, went for a bike ride and read for a while. 

My husband is flying off to Alaska for his last work trip before we retire.

The weather has become pleasant in Seattle. The soil is now warm enough to plant the dahlia tubers that we acquired a few weeks ago. 

On social media there is "Free stuff" group for our neighborhood. About a month ago we asked if anyone had extra dahlia tubers. Within a couple days we received a garbage bag full of them. A pleasant surprise. They still need to be inspected and trimmed, but I'm looking forward to growing them, What type of dahlia are they? 

My mother-in-law's celebration of life is in about a month. Prior to his trouble with the law, our friend and his husband planned to attend.  We are wondering if they will follow through. My husband and I have discussed with with various AIs ("Act as if your are Miss Manors..." "Act as if you are Dear Abby...") they agree... We should un-invite our friend. Be kind but firm. Our priority is to the mourners and to minimize drama. 

I think (I hope) our friend's trouble is limited to the state level. 

My husband has gone down a social media rabbit hole. The video of the sting has 75K views. There are many videos of other stings in that channel. The channel owner appears to be working with the police. 

I am more detached. Our friend has made bad choices and now has poor options. Like other situations where I’ve observed addictive behavior, I struggle to understand why he went down that path. Don't do stupid things. Why is that so hard to learn?

That's easy for me to say. My life is littered with the debris of stupid choices. 

A friend of ours has got himself into much trouble. The police sting was posted on social media. He was named and shamed. If the case is as clear as it's been presented, then he could go to jail for a while.

My husband is frustrated and angry at this friend. Rightfully so. He ran a family business. Many people, including other family members, depend on him for their jobs. Our friend could also be very impulsive and has a long history of drug fueled meltdowns. 

We are close to the friend's husband and some of the extended family. We've reached out to them to offer whatever help we can.

Social weekend. My husband remarked that we had too much scheduled and not enough downtime.  It was warm and sunny over the weekend and our different friends wanted to meet up before the gray and rain returns. 

Retirement from work is proceeding. I've started screening resumes for my replacement. Interviews start next week. 

My husband asked if I was worried about having something purposeful to do after we retired. I quickly said no. Maybe I am a little worried about meaning and purpose. I won't be bored however. I have a craving to shut my cell phone off and disconnect for days. While that's not meaning or purpose, it's a sign that I am too over connected. Work always has something to review, approve, or check in on.

Why stay? In June, I will receive a healthy amount of deferred compensation. So I will stick to my plan of leaving by end of June.

The weather has been wonderful this weekend. We’ve been catching up with friends. 

We had brunch with Huff and C2. C2 has opened an investment account for baby H. C2 wanted to get together to go over the instructions on how to deposit, check in on the account, as well as the limitations on withdrawals. We are hoping that in 20 years this account will be enough to fund her college education or a down payment on a home. 

The week has become more chaotic. I told an associate "I'm past concern. This is all hilarious."

The story so far... in March I told my new and old manager that I'm retiring at the end of June.

Last week,  my peer director accepted a job elsewhere and is leaving at the end of this week.

Wednesday morning, my former boss (AS) was let go.  

Our vice president (TA) is leaving at the end of this week. Rumor is that he was asked to leave.

I still care about the team, our technology and our business. I want to project some stability. I don't want to unintentionally encourage everyone to abandon ship. When I was talking to an associate about this conundrum, he responded that all the rats are scurrying off the ship. How could they conclude anything else? 

The endless re-orging of our company continues. AS has been let go. AS was the boss I lost about a month ago due to the the prior reorg-- not the former boss who is doing the start-up. I have so many former bosses. 

AS and I talked over the phone. He was let go while on paternity leave. Apparently another reorg is in the works.  The role he was to have after returning from leave has gone away.  Financially, they will pay him to the end of his paternity leave and then pay him an additional departure package. 

I'm a little jealous. I want to be laid off. Watching this happen around me is like seeing a car crash in slow motion. 

This past weekend we attended the North Coast Roundup, an AA conference in Seaside. We rented a house with a few friends. Overall it was a good weekend. 

Our friend QJ caught us up on his life. He's been off work with back pain and has had a series of surgeries to address the issue. He is better now and will soon return to work. We asked QJ what caused the injury.  He told us that he played much football in high school and  college. That was hard on his body. Over the years he's had sixteen surgeries to repair the consequences. 

The weather on the coast was wonderful, especially for April. Outside of the conference, we did much hiking and walking. 

The conference has a mix of AA and Al-Anon speakers. I enjoy the Al-Anon speakers. Less so, the AA. The thought of heavy daily drinking makes my stomach churn, so I struggle to understand what drives someone to do so. I do not have that addiction.

While I have no problems staying sober,  many of my friends are in AA. There is something there for me to continue to explore. 

At work, my peer director is also leaving. Her last day is the end of next week. Our mutual boss has also not been talking to her. Part of me wants to negotiate hard to have them pay me to stay an extra year. The other part of me, the more thoughtful part, thinks this is confirmation that it's time to leave. 

My husband is recovering well. He gets tired easily and has some pain, but nothing unexpected.

This past weekend was Seattle's first nice spring weather. We spent much of Saturday cleaning up our decks and yard-- washing off the algae, pollen and mildew, blowing leaves, replanting some pots. 

Sunday we hosted a large easter brunch. It went well, plenty of good food. Most of the attendees were from AA. My husband has done a great job fostering his friends there .

Work... work is interesting. Since the reorg (a month ago?) the our boss has not talked to me or my peers at all. He remains fully engaged with his old org. My peers are not sure how to take this. Since I'm retiring, I shrug my shoulders and am just carrying on. 

I don't know that my boss is following up on my retirement. He acknowledged that I'm retiring when I initially told him, so he knows that I'm retiring. But then... silence. 

Even if I wasn't retiring, I would feel it was time to leave the company. 

Next topic-- I've been mulling over the following for a while. Originally I wasn't going to write about it. But it's sticking with me, so I will blog it out.

Yesterday my husband had liposuction and a tummy tuck. I'm surprised by my feelings around this. For years, my husband has worked hard to successfully get his weight (and stomach) into control. This last part of getting rid of the flappy skin was important to him.  I've never found him unattractive through this. 

I've discovered I have a slight aversion to cosmetic surgery. There are so many things one could do with the money instead. Plus the changes are superficial-- one still must have proper exercise and diet afterwards. 

I'm trying to set that aside and to cheerfully support him through his recovery. It was important to him. He had the money. 

He is doing well

 My question would be, "What is the alternative to the start-up?" And would it be as fuffilling?

The alternative to the startup is to retire-- travel, family, personal projects, volunteering, camping, hiking bicycling, reading.

The startup is interesting in that it uses the part of my brain that I have developed over years through my career. And there are parts of that job that I enjoy. 

I have a new option ahead. Saturday evening we had dinner with my old boss. He is building a startup company and quizzed me on my interest. 

He knows how to make startups happen as he has built and sold them before. He also has some interested from venture capital and is talking to a few people who I respect. 

We had a good discussion. No promises. Just mutual interest.

The next morning my husband and I had a conversation on this. Me potentially doing a startup would be a big impact on our retirement. My interest is a little unsettling.

Sunday we hosted a retirement party for my husband's friend and AA sponsor. After she retires, she is leaving Seattle and moving back to the midwest to be with her family. My husband will miss her. She was a good person. 

  

how did she leave the country? roderick

That was a logistical adventure in and of itself. 

Internet connectivity was crappy while she and my brother were planning. Sometimes they could only exchange a couple text messages at random times during the day. As a result much of the planning had to be done on faith. My brother had to buy airline tickets and not learn for a day if she received the itinerary. 

Weeks ahead of her departure, she bought and set aside the gasoline that she needed to get from their house to the airport.

My brother found a small regional flight from Cuba to Cancun. Once she was in Cancun, she took a regular flight to home. 

My Sister-in-law is back from Cuba. My brother has this to say...

...She made it back. She seems to have both a sinus infection and an allergy issue right now she’s itchy all over and she’s on penicillin and an anti allergic or antihistamine type medication.

When she got home pretty much the first thing she did was shower and clean up. She doesn’t believe she fell asleep in the last 34 hours before arriving home. And she seems to be only waking up for her alarm to take her medication

But yes, it’s good to have her back. And I’m glad there was no major issues on the flights back

This is a bittersweet moment from them. Her father has late stage 4 cancer.  We don't know how much longer he'll live or if she can travel back to Cuba when he passes away.

I have submitted my retirement notice.  The suggested an end date is June 30th, though I'm willing to work with them to hire and mentor my replacement.

I've been mulling retirement over for a while. Late last week I was asked to put together my org's long term compensation budget (Compensation paid out over the next two years) By announcing my retirement now my boss can allocate my future long term compensation to other people-- give them a little raise so that maybe they are more inclined to stay around after my departure. 

When I met my boss this morning to discuss the budget, I informed him of my decision. He sighed. He quizzed me a bit. We talked a little about the budget. Mostly we discussed my future plans and what changed that I decided to pull the trigger.

We have learned that the Washington State Ferry System offers memorial services. For a fee and with a little planning, they will pause the ferry, let you scatter the ashes and then sound the ferry's whistle to honor the occasion. 

What a fantastic way to scatter my mother-in-law's ashes.

In Seattle, March is in like a lamb with two pleasant sunny days in a row.

We had the neighbears (Too cute?) over for dinner last night. It was good to catch up with them. They are getting married soon and we talked through their last minute challenges. 

One of them has taken a new job at a non-profit. It's a pay cut, but he is much more interested in the work. When we were talking about his frustrations with his old company I recognized many of his words and phrases as the same used by my executives. I wonder if this is all a McKinsey and Company management package being sold to many tech companies-- 

Hey little tech executive-- did you over-hire during COVID? Have your sales plateaued? Have I got a business plan for you! Just repeat these phrases--"High Performance Culture." and "Efficiencies from AI"-- over and over. With that, you can stealth layoff without drawing attention to the fact that you are actually struggling.

As cynical as it is, it's hard for me to actually feel sorry for most of my compatriots in the tech industry. We are paid fantastic salaries and given enormous freedoms. The companies we work for have the right to demand high standards and that we constantly improve ourselves.  At some level, we tecb-bros want to be well compensated working at easy jobs that make billionaires a tiny bit richer. If that is not acceptable, then leave. 

We are down to the last few things. My mother-in-law had a mobility scooter that is surprisingly hard to sell. Only obvious scammers are make inquiries. I suspect this is because Medicare can pay for new scooters so the used market is small.

What does one do with an unneeded mobility scooter? We've asked her Senior Living center if they want it. They declined. 'Former' tenants regularly leave similar things behind.

We've are also leaving messages at various charities. 

My day job is going OK. I'm not 100% engaged. I do ensure that nothing blows up. The executives have not yet announced the new reorganization. They've been debating it for a month now. Everyone is wondering the cause of the hangup. 

I talk regularly with two VPs. One says he doesn't know the cause of the hangup. The other says the reorg changes three times a day. He can't say anything useful, so he must communicate nothing. 

My plan is to tell them about my retirement in mid march. I still intend to retire by July. 

We have been doing work. Getting the next job done.

My mother-in-law's apartment is almost empty and ready to return to the senior living center. My husband is exhausted. Since she passed, he's had insomnia  has been waking up at 3:30am. Sunday, he had a good afternoon nap. I'm hoping he can soon get back to his regular schedule.

His mother’s passing has given him opportunity to catch up with his extended family, cousins and step siblings. Retelling old stories good and bad.

 “What to expect next on my decline.“

We found a recent letter from my mother-in-law’s doctor. My mother-in-law wrote the above in its margins. 

The letter listed her conditions… 

Her emphysema was evolving. Part of her lung had collapsed. Her breathing was getting worse. (She had COPD for years and was on oxygen) 

She had a new slow growing cancer. 

The fluid around her heart was going down. The doctor emphasized that this was good news. 

She had early stage liver cirrhosis.

News from my brother on his wife who is in Cuba caring for her father who has cancer…

Yesterday, somewhere in Havana, She was walking with her father when they came across a relief effort run by Canadians and Americans. Many of them were doctors from various organizations.

When She told them she could speak English, they invited her to come forward and talk. She had to push her way through the crowd because there were so many people, but the doctors were thrilled that She could translate. 

They asked her father to come to the front, examined him, and gave him a new pair of glasses. They also provided better supplies for his tracheotomy. The tube currently in her father's throat is actually damaging the surrounding skin, and these doctors had silicone inserts designed to protect it. They gave the supplies to her so that her father's doctor can place the silicone piece between the metal and the skin to prevent further damage and keep everything sealed and stable.

Her father also received a quick check‑up. Unfortunately, the cancer he’s facing is still the most serious issue.

Today, they must travel from Havana to Cienfuegos to meet with the doctors there. Under normal circumstances, it’s about a 3.5‑hour drive—roughly 250 km—but with fuel shortages, the trip has become extremely expensive. After the appointment, they will likely have to return to Havana.

On a slightly more forward‑looking note, She finally managed to pay her brother‑in‑law to buy fuel before the gas outage began. The amount he secured is only enough to get her from their home to whichever airport she ends up using. At least that fuel is set aside for when she leaves the country.

Air Transat won’t be flying out of Cuba until April 30, but there are still flights to places like Panama. Now we just need her to get her passport back, and then we can figure out the next steps.

"Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes.”  -Walt Whitman

My mother-in-law was an interesting character. Her sons have been reflecting on her life. She was smart and planned ahead. She could be charming and loved being popular. She was stubborn, feisty and full of life. 

I’ve added and deleted the following half a dozen times. It’s not flattering. Yet it’s there..

She was a terrible parent. She had four husbands and more boyfriends. Her sons remember a chaotic childhood with constant drinking, fighting and moving.

There was a wild trip to Mexico where everyone, kids included, got drunk on margaritas. 

Shortly after that trip, their step-father found work in Texas and moved the family there. After the move, the stepfather said he had to finish a job in California and would rejoin in a few weeks. Instead he abandoned them. He never moved to Texas. He left the family in Texas to fend for themselves.

I can only imagine her heartbreak and anger.

She once danced a man to death. One evening in Texas she went out dancing. She loved to dance. At some point in the evening her dance partner collapsed on her from a heart attack. He passed away. 

My husband shared a story from when he was 16. Their apartment lease was running out. For whatever reason, the job fell to him to find the family a new apartment. He found the apartment. He signed the lease and wrote the deposit check with his mother’s signature. He arranged the move.

My husband’s friends from childhood deeply reflect his need for stability. More than once her sons have commented on the difference between her private and public personalities. Things were always easier with their mother when others were around. This, in part, is one of the reasons they both love hosting large gatherings especially around the holidays. 

In 1990 she moved to Italy to be with someone she met on the Internet. 1990! When that ended, a friend flew her back and helped her get back on her feet. 

At the Senior Living Center, the gathering for my mother-in-law was lovely.  Maybe thirty people showed up. She had many friends. We shared stories. Every one knew she was opinionated, feisty and onery and they loved that about her. She would fight for you if you were struggling and offer her opinions if you weren’t. She always dressed well. She had high standards. She made their lives more interesting. She will be missed. 

My mother-in-law had planned well. In previous years she gifted away most of her sentimentals and valuables. This has simplified cleaning out her apartment. We don’t agonize over who gets what or what must be saved. Aside from a bit of furniture and her bar, everything can be donated or thrown away. While her sons pack, I haul things to a garbage bin or a local donation center.

Her bar and alcohol— Sunday, the senior center where she lived will host a small gathering to honor her. We will bring the alcohol and let the residents take it away with them. 

Of course death happens regularly at her Senior Center— it has hundreds of residents in their elder years. That small gathering to honor my mother-in-law… it’s a standing weekly event. 

More than once while hauling stuff away, someone has asked “Moving in or out?” 

“Moving out.” I answer vaguely.

“Awww. That’s too bad. Who was it?” 

Yesterday the police officer processing my mother-in-laws death said “This was a nice death. This was about as good at it gets. No signs of suffering. She was well cared for.” 

My mother-in-law had a large well stocked bar. The officer and I looked at it and had a good laugh. She was prepared to host many large cocktail parties. So much liquor in many fancy decanters.

Maybe it was an art project. Maybe she liked the look. 

My brother-in-law spent the night over. My husband and he are both extra-early risers. By the time I woke up, they were chatting, reaching out to friends and family and going through the estate. 

I think this will be an easy process. My mother-in-law had prepared for this. The paperwork and passwords were easy to find. My husband and his brother had been listed on her accounts. 

When it rains it pours.

My mother-in-law passed away this morning. 

I was in a work call when I heard a very pained cry from my husband. I excused myself from the call, ran to him and heard the news.

We drove to her place. The paramedics were still there when we arrived. She had been struggling in the morning and called 911. She had stopped breathing by the time the paramedics arrived.

My husband was able to spend Thursday with her. He took her to lunch and later to a medical appointment. He wishes he could have spent more time with her, but is happy the way their day went. 

We are at her place now. We are waiting for the paramedics and police to finish the paperwork.

My husband and his brother have access to her cell and are triangulating her last hours through the text messages. They have also started the unenviable job of collecting and processing her paperwork. 

We are not sure how well my Cuban Sister-In-Law is doing. Internet is very unreliable in Cuba. My brother is lucky if they exchange a few short text messages a day. He wants his wife to return to Canada. We don't know if that is even possible. 

My Sister-in-law's father has late, stage-four cancer. Would she return even if she had the chance? 

My brother knows that they have life-straws-- portable bio-filters for water. They also have been stocking up on food.

I reach out regularly to talk to my brother. His family situation is very heavy. A few weeks ago his wife, who is Cuban, flew to Cuba for a family emergency. She is now effectively trapped there until Cuban/US relations change.

Now they are down to one income and he is struggling to pay the bills.

My brother is kicking his financial problems down the road. He apologized for asking me for money, yet he's not doing anything about that situation. I offered to pay for a good financial counseling or debt reduction program. He didn't seam interested. 

We are back home. I have a bit of a cold and am recovering. 

The Sea Hawks have won the Super Bowl!

When the game ended, there were fire works and loud cheering all around. 

I’m calling my brother regularly. He is progressing slowly. Actually, he is stuck, he is not doing the work of solving his problems. 

My husband and I are in Park City for a few days of snow sports. It's quiet this year. There isn't much snow so there aren't many tourists. We are really enjoying ourselves. Fewer tourists makes it easy for us to get around, go to restaurants or ski on the few hills that are open.

My little brother reached out. He said he was ashamed and afraid to do this and then asked me to loan him $40,000.00.  Due to a series of emergencies, he is way behind on his credit cards and is struggling to make ends meet.

I said a polite 'No.' I didn't feel guilty or awkward doing so. I may have said yes if he had asked for $1000. It was easy to refuse $40,000.

This is the fourth time that I know of that he's needed a large bailout. More than money, he needs some sort of impulse control, or discipline. 

The next night my husband and I spent an hour talking with him, trying to understand what's going on. His reasons are many and varied. Sometimes it was willful ignorance. Sometimes he wanted to be the hero and help someone out. Sometimes it was plain old stupidity. 

My husband suggested that there may be a little mental illness behind this. Such carelessness spanning so many years speaks to deeper problems. 

I'm thinking back to my post on how to deal with those politically radicalized. The same lessons apply though it's difficult for me in this situation. Build the relationship. Listen. Don't rush to fix or advise. My husband is great here-- speaking with empathy to those who have made the same irrational choices again, and again. Don't correct. Don't lecture. Don't shame. The rooms of AA have taught him well. 

I will call my brother regularly and be a friend.

I had dinner with Clem and Bates last night. It's always good to catch up with them. They are excited about our plans to retire and had a few suggestions for things to do, and places to go. 

Their friend R joined us. I've known R for years through these dinners at Clem and Bates. 

R is in his early 70s. He has stage 4 cancer that's being kept in check by drugs. R is certainly cheerful, though the cancer is often on his mind. He spent a lot of time talking to my husband, who just happens to be an expert in R's type of cancer. 

More confirmation that leaving work is the right thing to do. 

And the Seahawks are going to the Super Bowl. Congratulations. It was a good game, very close until the end. 

A friend and I watched the game at a local bar. When the Hawks won there was great buzz, a great positive energy in the room. On the way home, the streets were full of people hooting and high-fiveing each other with more than a few fireworks going off in the neighborhood. 

 No forewarning of this decision with the rationale for it. No mention of the future plans - early retirement? IDK. Roderick

I’d loose you if I wrote down all the waffling and counter planning and agonizing and flip flopping. 

We’ve been mulling over retirement for years, making supporting decisions along the way. A year and a half ago we bought a house without a mortgage in a neighborhood that’s more social, though it had a more inconvenient commute to work.

Financially, for about the past year, we knew we could afford to retire. 

Even then much fear, uncertainty and doubt kept us from pulling the trigger. I am at my peak earning years in an industry that does not appreciate older employees. The decision would be one way. If we made any mistakes, we’d have to pay out of our pockets.

The politics of the current administration don't help either.

There has also been poking and prodding in the direction of retirement. 

My family, many of whom are proud of being frugal (cheap?) like to show off how little they need to live happily. Last summer, an uncle asked point blank “When are you retiring? Your body isn’t getting any younger.” He pointed out how other relatives kept busy through travel, engaging in local politics or other jobs. 

Another friend who retired years ago from the corporate life reminded us that our companies have kept us on a hedonic treadmill of bonuses, promotions and achievements. It’s addictive, but there is life afterwards. We could enjoy life without a career: 

My husband and I discussed many variations of retirement. Perhaps he could retire before me, just in case something went wrong and we needed the money or insurance. We tried a few trips where he vacationed, while I worked. He didn’t enjoy that. He wanted me to be free to join him. 

December— My friend Evan, who is my age, had an emergency surgery to remove an aneurysm. It reminding me to not take my time or health for granted. 

Most recently, there is so much chaos at work that I’ve lost energy and interest. I'd look for another job even if retirement weren't an option.

And so, we pulled the trigger. 

The plans are still open. We are going to travel a bit with my father. I want to spent more time exercising and enjoying the great out doors. After that, things are vague which I'm looking forward to. Because of my job, I've had a cell phone within arms reach, almost 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for over a decade. I want to unplug for a while, not have an stuffed calendar where I have to collaborate with those in timezones all over the world. 

 

Big reorg today at work. The executives who know me are now gone. So, I am more satisfied with my decision to leave. 

In late March I intend to inform the company about my departure. March is when our compensation budget closes and I don't want to allow compensation shenanigans by announcing early. 

I will leave by the end of June. That will give them a few months to find my replacement. 

Social weekend. FL is in town for the week for work and is staying at our place. 

A number of our friends have January birthdays. Saturday we got a large crowd together and went out to  a drag brunch. It was fun. 

My MIL joined us. She is slowing down a lot. A short walk that she could handle a year ago now exhausts her and she must sit down and rest. 

Sunday we went on a long walk around Green Lake with one of my husband's oldest friends. 

My husband and I had a good discussion on how to engage with those on the right. He doesn't agree with my more indirect approach, none the less our discussion was very deep.

My thoughts-- we all have a strong drive to help, to correct, to 'straighten out', those we disagree with. We hope to say "These are the facts... do you see how you are wrong? Now that we agree that you are wrong, you must change. " This approach never ends well. I never see someone change their opinion because of a debate. In fact, the opposite often happens. The people you debate dig in and loose trust for you. 

People regularly ignore the facts. They never ignore their feelings. The Republicans have mastered the art of leading with "Your feelings are right. I will fight for your feelings, even if the fight is irrational." Meanwhile Democrats are so fact based that their positions can't get past the layers of defensive emotion. "My taxes are enormous. Why should I support illegals who don't pay their fair share. Why do you support illegals?" Any rebuttal falls on deaf ears. 

My goal is to build warm and trustworthy relationships, not to correct, even though that is very very difficult.. I want to be a role model for my values. I want to let others see that I value the relationship enough to fight for them, even if the fight is a little irrational. 

I’m back in Seattle—rested and ready for work.

The news lately has been incredibly frustrating. I am literally invested in the future of this country, yet my options are limited. Of course, it would be pure ego to imagine that the fate of the nation hinges on my choices. At best, I can offer gentle influence.

So what can I do? I can vote. I can encourage others to vote as well. I can maintain warm relationships with people who are still on the fence—there are more of them than we often realize. Don't argue with them. Don't try to change their minds. Just listen. A good chunk of this faction feel that Democrats are others. Invite these people in.

I will donate to blue causes in swing races. My own elected officials are thoroughly blue. My contributions should go where they can have the greatest impact.

I also have friends who volunteer for various political efforts. I’ll reach out to see what they’re working on. Sometimes their actions are as much about venting as about achieving concrete results. After all, will an ICE protest in the middle of Seattle actually change anyone’s mind? But, you miss 100% of the shots that you don't take and sitting on my laurels won't help the situation.

This is all very rational. I've been reminded recently that irrational people can else get what I want.

It’s my last evening in the Valley. My father and I went out for dinner to mark the occasion.

For many years I haven’t spent much time alone with him. Before my mother passed, her care ment she was never far from dad. There is also family. Usually someone else is around when I visit, be-it my brothers or relatives.

It was just us for most evenings this week. This was not always easy as the two of us tend to be introverted.

Dad still drives the school bus. He is thinking of quitting as he is 82 and slowing down. His eyes aren’t what they used to be. But he enjoys driving the bus. Quitting would give him more time alone. He’s not looking forward to that. He needs a purpose. He helps others when he can.

He limits his TV time, especially news. He watches two different news shows for no more than an hour a day. 

He also watches Wheel Of Fortune, Family Feud and Jeopardy all at the same time. They are on different stations during the same hour. He flips between them during commercials or the quiet moments. It can be frustrating to watch along.

I like my dad. He is good people. He has chilled out alot since I was a kid. I hope to visit him for many years to come. 

Plus, I think I’ve convinced him to travel out west and visit us this summer. 

The Mystery of the Hardy Boy Mystery Novels

We have had a collection of Hardy Boys Mystery novels for as long as I can remember. They sit on a shelf in my childhood bedroom. I was thinking about rereading them, so I picked up one and paged through it. At the back I came across this  …

Now my brothers and I are trying to figure out where the books originated. It doesn’t seem to be our school library since, to the best of our knowledge, school checkout cards were stamped and type written. Dad doesn’t know. Mom brought the books home some fifty years ago and she has long since passed away.