"I'm not looking for your opinion, but I am looking for your input."
The mother-in-law is selling her home. One of the buyers has asked for her to hold the mortgage. The husband, of course, thinks this is a terrible idea. The mortgage is for thirty years. The mother-in-law is eighty four. If anything goes wrong then it will be up to the husband to fix.
The mother in law doesn't seem to care about that risk. During their discussion, the mother-in-law said "I'm not looking for your opinion, but I am looking for your input."
It would be funny if there wasn't so much at stake.
The brother-in-law, the husband and I have started constantly using that line with each other.
Would the brother-in-law moving to PV be a a good thing?
No. In all honesty this is probably the start of his next manic episode. He will eventually kill himself if moves to PV.
What are my obligations through this?
None. I am very certain that that things will get worse if I (or the husband) try to intervene. The brother-in-law is proud of his independence. It will blow up if we gently move to keep him safe. He will push harder to show us how well he can do on his own.
The husband and I flew down to Santa Barbara for the weekend. It was a work-award trip for the husband. Last year his team was a top seller. So I met and hung out with his coworkers. They are a good group of people. I'm sure everyone was on their best behavior. None the less, I enjoyed myself.
This past week, the husband and I have watched a couple of planned vacations become restricted to the point where we probably can't go.
About a year ago we bought a European cruise scheduled for December 2021. There should be vaccines by then! This will all be over by then! Now, with the delta variant, travel restrictions have grown to the point that we've had to cancel.
Last year the husband won an work-awards trip to Basel Switzerland. COVID canceled that. Instead he was given a trip to Hawaii. This morning we received an email asking visitors of Hawaii to stay away
Our new plan is just to take some time off, and see what's available when the time gets close. Things are too fluid to make long term plans.
Personally, I'd be happy renting a cabin along the Pacific North West ocean, and just storm watching for a week.
Over the weekend, we went to an AA gay men's retreat. We've gone to this retreat four times now. I always enjoy it. It's as much a social thing as it is work on a twelve step program. Indeed, the social parts of the retreat are the reasons for its existence. Many recovering addicts have burned their past relationships. The retreat was created as an opportunity to make new acquittances and catch up with old.
I'm always a little bit of an odd duck at this retreat in that I'm not an addict and not sober. None the less, there are a few regular attendees at the retreat that I would like to stay in touch with.
There is an author who moves around the country depending on the time. of year. He spends early summer in Alaska. He likes August in the Pacific North West.
There is another man, who only has one leg. In his past life, he lived around the world. I say "lived around the world" and not "traveled around the world" He lived in many countries in Asia and Central America until his travels came to an end when he lost his leg in Mexico. Now he lives full time in PV, though he spends a month a year in the PNW. He is one of the calmest and most approachable people I've met.
Hmmm. What does it say about me that I want a few friends who are nomads? Perhaps I am traveling by proxy.
The brother in law has psittacosis-- bird chlamydia. Google it. It's a real thing. Apparently, just before his big bender, a sick wild bird found its way into his apartment. He tried to care for it for a bit.
The psittacosis caused a very bad pneumonia in him while he was drinking.
He is home now-- on an oxygen machine and three antibiotics.
C6 is also on the mend. Eventually he went to the hospital and received the COVID antibiotic super-treatment.
The husband is loosing weight at a healthy pace.
Socially, all is good. Work is stressful. But home is good.
The brother-in-law is in and out of the hospital. They are not sure what he has. They have given him many tests.
C6 has COVID. He was vaccinated, but has a heart transplant and is on immunosuppressants. C6 and his husband, QJ, went down to Lazy Bear last week. Their room mates down their tested positive. Two days later C6 had it.
QJ says C6 is in pain. His oxygen is good. QJ is discussing with C6's medical people if C6 should go to the hospital.
Going to Lazy Bear when you are on immunosuppressants... It's easy for me to roll my eyes at that as I'm comfortable isolating. C6 has always been super social. COVID has been a major stress for him.
And me... I'm doing well. Sunday was Bate's official retirement party. Sunday evening Allen and Evan were over for dinner and games.
Tuesday was National Night out. It is a night where our community gets to meet each other and our local police. National Night out is probably our neighborhoods largest social event.
We take over a local park, setup many inflatable kids activities, have face painting, clowns, balloon art, side walk chalk drawings and free hotdogs, ice cream and samosas. The husband and I have volunteered for this for a few years. The husband cooks and serves hotdogs and samosas. I am the gopher. I empty the garbage, hand out water bottles, substitute for volunteers when they need it (I made and served popcorn for about an hour only burning two batches) and help on whatever crises crop op.
There were two crises this year.
The relish... Usually the someone from the committee buys a dozen bottles of squeezable relish for the event. This year he couldn't find squeezable relish in the store. He bought squeeze bottles and big bottles of relish at Costco. That relish was too chunky to squirt out of the squeeze bottles. So we cut the squeeze bottles to open up the hole. No luck. The relish was still to chunky. So we blended the relish and then put it in the squeeze bottles. Success.
Second crises... the samosas. Last year we served up about two hundred samosas. There are plenty of vegetarians in the neighborhood and the samosas offer them something instead of hot dogs.
Thirty minutes before the event started, I drove over to another volunteers house to pick up the samosas. They were still frozen. Last year we bought pre-cooked samosas from a local restaurant. This year the guy in charge of buying the food tried to save money by buying two hundred raw frozen samosas. We didn't know about this until the last minute.
"But the instructions say just put them in the oven at 350F for 15 minutes!"
Two hundreds raw frozen samosas don't fit into one or two ovens. We split them into ten trays. The volunteer baked six of the trays in her two ovens and on her BBQ. I baked the remaining in my oven and on my BBQ. I think about half of the samosas baked properly. The other half welded themselves to the tray, or baked into a large mass.
We showed up to the party thirty minutes late, but with enough samosas to satisfy a few families.
When we ran out we just said "The samosas were very popular. We'll get more this year."
The guy who bought the frozen samosas apologized. Next year we'll use the restaurant again.
Am now flying back to Seattle from Toronto.
Had a bit of excitement over my return COVID-test. When you return to the U.S. you need a covid test within 72 hours before departure. For the last two days of my trip, I was with my parents who live in the middle of no-where. The nearest test-site to my parents was a county run and not set up to process anyone who didn't have a Canadian health card, so...
Fortunately Toronto is well setup. I worked with a friend in Toronto who is a travel agent. We found a company near the airport that does rapid tests. I left my parents a little early on Sunday, made the five hour drive to Toronto and got my COVID test.
My parents eat a lot of sausage, egg, potato, ham, bread and cheese. And cookies and coffee. Don't forget the cookies and coffee. My stomach feels bogged down after a few meals with them.
I had lunch with my cousin today. She has a similar problem with her parents. These stubborn old people-- eating what's convenient. We commiserated over salads.
I used to be happy that my parents all lived near their brothers and sisters. My hope was that they could take care of each other in an emergency. Now I see that they are all old. The young ones are in their late seventies. Half of them have lost their drivers licenses. They are not going to be able to take care of each other.
Life at my parents is very tranquil. At least for now. This summer in the Ottawa Valley is very pleasant with enough heat and rain they everything growing like crazy.
We had breakfast with an uncle and an aunt this morning. They are all getting old. Maybe they are talking themselves into an early grave...
A couple years ago at my aunts last eye doctor appointment, she was informed that that doctor now does everything online. It would be more convenient if she scheduled appointments or got reminders that way. My aunt decided that she had enough with harassment from that doctor and hasn't gone back since. Of course there are no either eye doctors in this neck of the woods. So she is slowly going blind with aging eye glasses.
I am in Toronto. Other Canadian friends in WA were curious about what I went through to travel, so I write this up...
The borders have opened up enough that I will fly back to Ontario, Canada for a couple weeks to visit family and friends. I haven't seen my parents in two years, so it's time. Currently non-Canadian's can't easily enter without quarantining so the husband will stay in Seattle.
Of course cross-border travel now has much testing and paperwork. Three COVID tests total. First is a pre-flight test which I had yesterday. The second is a a post arrival test which will be administered after I land in Toronto. I'll have my third test before I fly back to Seattle.
The brother-in-law is still in the hospital and is slowly recovering. The plan is that next week he will be released from the hospital. He'll spend a few days at our house with the husband. He'll go through his outpatient treatment here.
The husband is at the brother-in-law's apartment today, working with our house cleaner to deep clean it. This is more than I would have done for the brother-in-law, but the husband really wants to help.
The brother in law is still in the hospital. He can talk now, but quickly becomes tired.
The husband and I went to the brother-in-laws apartment after the hospital visit. The apartment was disgusting. Garbage was everywhere. The place smelt of piss and rot. Maggots were in the garbage. Blueberries were every where. All over the carpet. All over the kitchen floor. Rotting meat was also on the floor. The husband suspects that during the heat wave the brother-in-law took frozen food out of his freezer and used it to cool.
We threw out anything rotten. Anything that was attracting bugs or mice. Then we placed traps and sprayed the place down with bug killer.
We agree that the brother-in-law is on his way to a quick death especially if he continues to live alone. We are talking amongst ourselves to figure out who, how and wen we have this conversation with him. When he is sober he is a bright, creative and hardworking guy. But every now and then...
The brother-in-law is in a real pickle. He is still largely unconscious. He has alcohol induced hepatitis, pneumonia and some kind of blood infection. His electrolytes refuse to get into balance. He has lost a tooth and looks like shit.
This is all hard on the husband. The husband really loves his brother and deeply wants to help him. I have to watch my tongue as I feel no sympathy for the brother-in-law. The brother-in-law has been having alcoholic meltdowns for decades. For just as long, the husband has been rescuing him from the brink
The brother-in-law is not going to stay sober with a little more love, a little more help, and a renewed commitment to AA. The brother-in-law needs a radically different situation. Maybe he needs a conservatorship. Maybe he needs to be a ward of the state. Maybe we need to accept that it's just a matter of time before he drinks himself to death.
July 4, Bates took us to visit his model train club. These aren't little toy trains. They are 1:8 working trains, powerful enough to tow twenty more more seated passengers over three miles of track.
I'm fascinated by the amount of effort that goes into this. There are many different types of trains-- real steam trains. Diesel trains. Electric Trains. Each attracts a different type of train geek.
The mother-in-law is heading back home. Mission Accomplished. She has a refundable deposit in at one retirement home for an apartment that comes available in September. She has her name on a waiting-list at another retirement home that could be available earlier.
The brother in law called this morning with his daily drunk update. He kept trying to pick a fights with the husband. The husband avoided the bait. This left the brother-in-law confused and unsure what to discuss.
Sunday, the husband, the mother and law and I toured around the area. We visited the Snoqualmie Falls. We had brunch. We drove by retirement homes that the mother-in-law may be interested in.
Since she started looking at retirement homes, the mother-in-law has become very clear on the qualities that she's looking for.
The home can't be on hilly territory. She must be able to get around on her scooter. This requirement has eliminated a surprising number of homes.
They must have a plan for power outages. She must be on a oxygen system 24 hours a day. A surprising number of homes don't have a backup plan for a power outage.
Stay away from homes with memory care. This quality is interesting. It seems that homes that offer memory-care typically don't have units with patios or balconies as people with memory issues tend to wander off or fall over the balcony. The restrictions in the building also dramatically increase as the staff is prepared to deal with people who can't think things through. She wants a little more independence than these places can offer.
Today she is revisiting the two places that meet all her criteria. The nice thing is that she can afford to wait. She can afford to sign up for a place that won't be available for months. No last minute emergency here.
The visit with the mother-in-law is going well. Each day, she and the husband tour a few retirement homes. She has found one that has a nice balance of being pleasant and affordable.
She is disappointed that her other son, my brother-in-law, is too drunk to see her.
We haven't heard from the brother-in-law today. He's been calling once a day to give us a drunk-update. Yesterday he cried over the fact that his drinking was making him sick and that he still couldn't stop.
"Why don't you pour it out?" the husband suggested.
"I don't know.... I'm not ready yet." the brother-in-law replied.
As a non-addict, I don't understand the desire to hurt yourself so much. Maybe I no longer care.
If someone runs their life into the ground, I may help them up once. At some point I've got to let go and let them figure it out for them self.
The weather is pleasant here in Seattle. Temperatures in the low 70s. The rain is abating. I've been taking my laptop to work outside.
The brother-in-law called this morning. He is drunk. The brother-in-law spent part of his morning on the phone with the husband, crying about his problems.
The brother-in-law doesn't want to see his mother while he is drunk.
The husband is letting go. He's not going to rescue the brother-in-law this time. The brother-in-law must address his own problem. No amount of our help will help. We have to accept that the brother-in-law is going to be a drunk. Helping him, cushioning his falls, helping him recover, is wasting our time.
We are back in Seattle.
The mother-in-law will be here on Wednesday. She is here looking for a senior home to move into. She is 84 and living on her own. She recognizes that she is one bad day away from needing assistance. I'm thankful that she is doing this proactively and not after she's had another large physical meltdown.
So what kind of music am I catching up on?
Mostly I'm going through Jane Siberry. You would be forgiven if you've never heard of her. A few of her songs appeared in movies and on TV back in the 90s. She was never really a chart topper
Outside of her 'popular' songs Siberry did many experimental albums and collaborations with other artists. I'm listening to those.
Work offices are now now open at 20% capacity. If we are vaccinated, then we don't have to wear a mask.
Maybe I'll start going in one day a week. I intend to work from home as much as possible.
The husband is still away. He should return from his meetings on Thursday.
In the evenings I've been obsessively listening to music. Catching up on the bands that I stopped listening to after I grew up and developed an adult taste in music. Playing online games. Eating every sweet in the house. Adulthood returns tomorrow.
The husband is away working for a few days. Meeting his team for the first time since COVID. He is near LA, while I stay in San Diego and take care of the cat.
This evening was the first time the cat let me touch her.
What have I been doing? The time goes so fast. Work soaks up most of the day. I have no problems occupying my evenings. Either more work. Or play games with friends.
The weather in San Diego is pleasant.
That cat has shown herself. Just in brief flashes as she runs from her hiding spot to her food. She will not be cuddling with us anytime soon. I am happy that the cat is still alive.
The husband and I have been touring the city. Hiking the parks. Walking along the beaches. Sunday we went to the zoo. This is a nice getaway. Tomorrow works starts again.
We are down in San Diego for another Workation. A friend who lives in SD needed a house sitter for a week. The husband arranged for a team meeting nearby. And so we are here.
In theory we are house sitting to take care of a cat. I haven't seen the cat in over a day. I only know it's still here because something is using the litter box. The owner says this is to be expected. The cat is very timid. A literal fraidy cat. The owner says it will take a day or two for the cat to warm up to us. Until then just clean the litter box, keep the food and water topped up, and watch out for cat vomit.
We had a wonderful long weekend. Now that most of us are vaccinated, we spent much of it catching up with old friends.
Saturday.... Saturday was Bate's last work day. He is now retired. He is (was?) a train engineer. We met him at the end of his run. Then we went out for dinner and drinks with a few of his friends.
Bates is excited for his retirement. He and his husband are traveling for the next few months. Then he is volunteering with a few west coast train clubs.
Sunday was the annual bear pool party at C1's and QJ's. It was very well attended. We saw old acquaintances for the first time since COVID.
Monday we kayaked again. The Brother-In-Law gathered a few of his friends and we had a small picnic at his row club.
I am the big 51 now. The husband did a great job of ensuring I had a fun few days. Thursday we had a nice dinner out, just the husband and I.
Friday we had dinner out with Yo and the Angle. We had a great time, but I drank *way* too much. On the drive home the husband had to pull over and let me vomit.
Thank you husband for being patient with me. In general, people in AA have no patience or sympathy for those who are drinking too much. Nor should they.
Saturday-- dinner with Clem and Bates. Margaritas. Bates is going to retire next week. He has elaborate post retirement plans. More at those later.
Sunday-- BBQ with the AA friends.
Life in the Seattle suburbs continues.
A sick coworker returned to work today. He told me that he has now had COVID twice. Second time was worse than the first. He had to travel back and forth to India for family reaons, so this is a special circumstance and not wanton masklessness.
Tommy reminds me that many gay men are not gainfully using their lives. Some are choosing suicide by neglect. Tommy's experience is not unique. I know many gay men who would rather drink and party than do something that's a little like work.
Let me look at my Brother's Facebook feed…. Yes he is still posting these strained anti-establishment/anti-mask/pro-gun memes.
I don't have it in me to be angry at all this craziness. I don't know why. I have heard that sometimes I act like I don't care about the world. And I can see why.
For a long time, since I was a kid, I've known that I can choose what I get angry at. With all the crazy in this world, angry won't help. So I just move on and live how I believe is right.
I am powerless over free chocolate, cake or ice cream. Put a price tag on it and I can abstain. Tell me that there is left over cake in the garbage can and... well... more on that later...
Last weekend was Evan's Birthday. He rented a cottage at the ocean and invited us along. To celebrate, the husband brought along a huge, delicious take. We ate away at it the whole weekend. Really we gorged on it. Slices after dinner on Friday, for breakfast Saturday and then after dinner. More again for breakfast on Sunday.
It was huge. It was rich. It was delicious.
On Sunday as we were leaving, Evan threw the last slice out. This lead to my afore mentioned garbage can diving.
We lucked out at the ocean. We experienced a freak April heatwave with low 70s temps and non-stop sun. Many of the restaurants where overwhelmed. Usually at this time of the year it's 50 degrees and cloudy and the Ocean Shore restaurants are staffed for that. On Friday, at the first restaurant that we approached, the hostess quickly announced "It's going to be 90 minutes to sit at a table and an hour for take out." I am happy she was honest with us.
A dear friend of the husband is moving to Oklahoma. Why Oklahoma? It's inexpensive. Decent houses are affordable.
The friend is trying to entice us to move there... "There are gay people there," she said. "We bought our house from a gay man who said he had no problems fitting in."
To be honest, until this friend mentioned Oklahoma, I knew very little about it. It's somewhere in the middle of the country. There is a musical named after it.
This move touched a nerve in the husband. Where do we want to live when we retire? We started a good conversation.
The husband feels untethered. While we both have careers in Seattle, we have more friends and family away from Seattle than within. He have a lovely house here. It's much larger than we need, especially after we hit our 70s. Another move is in our future. It may be a decade away, but it's there.
He pointed out that many of my best friends are still in Toronto. If we moved there, my social life could easily improve.
The Husbands friends are more distributed across the country. He has some family in California. They are mostly elderly.
Nothing really holds him to Seattle and there is no clear place that calls him.
Since we both can work remote, we discussed using that privilege more-- especially as COVID eases. Perhaps we could spend a month in Arizona. Or New Mexico.
I'm also open to working for a month from Central or South America. Logistically that doesn't work for the Husband as his job sometimes requires travel in the U.S.
It's been a little more spring like this past week. You can sit out side for a while without being chilled.
We had an in-person Easter brunch yesterday. Everyone had different numbers of vaccines in their system. Some had one J&J. Others one Monderna. Technically we were flouting the COIVD guidelines. It felt good to see old friends in person.
The husband has organized a food drive for the local foodbank. Sunday afternoon we picked up food from a friend who has hording tendencies. We know her though AA. She is getting her life back on track. But, man-o-man she has a lot of stuff in her apartment. We filled the back of the husband's SUV with canned and dried goods that she finally admits she has no need of. We could have filled another SUV and she still would have had plenty to eat for a month.
Life has been routine. This is good. C3 likes to remind me that there are probably 1 billion people in this world who would kill to have my life.
Saturday the husband, Yo and I went on a long walk with our dogs. In the afternoon we looked over our camping gear to check that we are ready for the summer. Saturday evening I played games over Zoom with friends.
Work has been stressful. We've had a few problems with the service that I work on. When this happens, one of my tech leads likes to cover his ass first and solve the problem second. I'm trying hard to talk him back from that approach. It's going to hold him back at some point.
1. I'm a little disappointed in myself. With my husband away I had planned to do all sorts of things. Projects I've been putting off. Reading. Instead I binge watched TV. I caught up on all the shows that the husband isn't fond of. And I played games.
The husband and the brother-in-law are in PV for the week. I am still in Seattle. He planned the trip to PV back when I intended to spend March with my parents. When the trip to my parents was canceled, I didn't decide to join him in PV.
Why? I filled my March up with work goals and it's difficult for my to back peddle off them right now. That may be a bit of an excuse. I am looking forward to some quiet time. Just me and the dog. Watching the TV shows that the husband doesn't enjoy. Eating all the fish I want (The husband hates fish)
Spending a week with the husband and the brother-in-law would be too much.
The brother-in-law-- he is back from the brink of his addiction. At least for now.
I bought a bike. A regular bicycle. I haven't owned a bike in years. The husband started bicycling a bit last year. Now that the weather is improving, I thought I'd get one so I can join him when possible.
Last week was very routine. Work by day. Relax by night. Games over zoom with friends when we can.
Today we received our first shots of the Pfizer vaccine. It was a big drive-thru mass vaccination event. You wait in line. They check your paper work. You wait inline some more. They recheck your paperwork and tell you what to expect. Passengers on the left must have there left arm ready. Passengers on the right-- their right. When its your turn you roll down your window, stick out your arm and get the shot.
Looking at the schedule, I'd say that around 4000 people went though.
So far no notable side effects. My arm is a bit stiff. I'm not feeling nauseous or tired.
The brother-in-law is here. He is drunk. The husband and he are having some kind of conversation. The kind of conversation where the sober patiently listen to the inebriated.
It is exhausting.
Earlier the husband and I had a small argument. We can't be his detox. We can't pick the brother-in-law up every time he goes off the rails. The brother-in-law has had major alcoholic meltdowns at least eight times. And I stress the major-- week long benders that have destroyed his jobs, his health, his relationships.
The husband loves his brother so much. It will be difficult for him to let go.
It feels good to have a snow day. Even with COVID. Even though it's the weekend. If I want to curl up on the sofa with the husband and just play games, then so be it. The outside is pretty, but not easier to walk or drive though.
One of the symptoms of meth use is that self-doubt goes away. Paranoia takes over. When a meth users looses their keys they start to think "Someone is breaking into my house and stealing my things." When a meth user becomes confused by a smart-phone glitch they start to think they have been hacked.
The brother-in-law has started down that path. He misconfigured his phone. It must be a hack. He doesn't understand the messages on his home router. That must be hacked too.
All this scaring the husband. Meth is such a horrible drug. The brother-in-law is going to burn his life up again. All we can do is stand back and watch it happen.
Life returns to the routine. Post reorg, my job is busy, but we are making progress. The husband is adjusting to his new job as well. He has been studying and taking tests for the past two weeks. It stresses him out, but he is making progress.
My father is having knee surgery half way through March. It's been a year and a half since I've visited my parents, so I plan on making the trip. Of course since my parents live in Canada and we are in a pandemic, things will be complicated. Canada is much more strict with its COVID plans.
I'll fly to Toronto, get a COVID test and then and quarantine in Toronto for two weeks. I've rented a nice AirB&B near friends. It should have good wifi, so I can work while I quarantine.
After quarantine, I'll drive up to my parents and spend two weeks with them.
The situation is changing fast. There is talk of requiring the quarantine period to be in government approved hotel. Canada has a habit of making the rules first, and then figuring out the implementation later. So, the interpretations of the latest restrictions change day by day.
1. The work week ended well. Far better than it could have. My boss, my team and I came up with a plan. Now we have to execute on it.
2. C2 was in town for the weekend. Two months ago he had asymptomatic COVID. He is now over it, so he is much more comfortable traveling. He visited his father-- in the same room with a mask. He has prickly relations with his sister and his step mom. No visits there. His step mom was angry at the masked visit with his father. She is uncomfortable with him because he had COVID.
3. I'm trying to make a plan for me reading. Mostly I choose my books based on whats interesting to me, and whats available at the local library. Right now I'm getting the urge to focus on one topic. Not sure what it is yet.
My boss is a chaos junkie. He is a very wise man. Very hard working. Is great with people. And he doesn't think twice about throwing a wrench into the plan. It can be very frustrating at times.
I see that part of my job now is to draw these impulses out of him as far in advance as possible, collect them all into one document, polish them up, and make it look to the team like we know what we are doing; not just suddenly shifting from left to right.
1. My brother is basically over COVID. He is more tired than he used to be, but is back to work.
2. We are settling into January. The holidays are over. Work has started in full force again. Back into the groove. Saturday, we took a long walk with the brother-in-law along the water front. It was good to get out of the house.
The brother-in-law is struggling. He is working hard to recover from his last alcoholic meltdown. The circumstances don't help.
3. The husbands birthday is coming up. He always says he doesn't want something special. He is always greatly appreciative of something special.
1. We spent the past few days resting. The husband is still blue from the death of his father. As it should be. He is finding strength in his AA meetings.
2. I have a frozen shoulder. "What is a frozen shoulder?" you ask. I injured my shoulder sometime back in the fall. Probably slept on it wrong. Rather than stretching it and moving it regularly, I just let it rest. As a result, the injured tendons became weak, scarred and tough. I lost my range of motion.
Of course I didn't know that. I was just resting my shoulder, thinking it would heal. I went to the doctor yesterday to figure out what was going on. He quickly diagnosed it (It's a common injury) and prescribed physiotherapy.
Lesson to myself-- don't kick my health problems down the road. Understand them and make a plan.
We are back home. My father-in-laws estate has mostly been taken care of. His room at the retirement home is cleaned out.
We spent some time with my mother-in-law. The husbands mother and father have been divorced for years, but they remain close. She is sad to see an old friend die.
This morning at 3am, we left Sacramento and drove back to Seattle. 3am is early, but if leave later, then we end up hitting traffic in Eugene, Portland, Olympia or Seattle.
I'm glad to be home. We are exhausted, but we can sleep in our own bed tonight.
Happy New Years!
The days since my father-in-laws death have been straightforward. He was ninety years old and suffering for so long that the family is a bit relieved with his passing. He didn't die alone. He got to spend Christmas with his children. What more could anyone ask for?
We are spending a few more days in Sacramento. The husband and my brother-in-law are cleaning up my father-in-law's old room. That shouldn't take long. He didn't have much.
Hopefully his will is straight forward. My mother-in-law is the executor. She sometimes sounds a little overwhelmed or confused by the task. There is a reason why people pay lawyers for this.
Last night, my father-in-law passed away.
My father-in-law went to the hospital about a week ago... the day before we returned from Hawaii. The hospital moved him to hospice a day later. He wasn't responding to changes in his medication. He decided to stop his medication, except a low dose of pain killers.
This is the third time my father-in-law has been to hospice. The previous times he just got better and was released. Even this time with each passing day he appeared to regain some health, to be in better spirits and to have a clearer head. As we planned to head back to Sacramento, we were wondering if he would just get better again.
We decided to drive down to Sacramento on Christmas day. Christmas Eve, our roommate, my brother-in-law, the husband and I had a nice dinner and exchanged gifts. Then the brother-in-law, the husband and I went to bed early. We woke up at 3am and got on the road.
We arrived in Sacramento late afternoon. We checked into the hotel, had a small dinner with the mother-in-law and then headed over to the father-in-law. Previously the husband and the brother-in-law both tested negative for COVID, so the nurse let them spend time in the same room with their father.
They spent about an hour and a half together. It sounded like they had a good time.
We went to bed. This morning at seven the mother-in-law called with the news-- that their father had passed away in the night.
It will be a couple hours before the coroner removes the body. The husband and the brother-in-law are headed over to spend some last time with him.
So, what are we doing while America is in pandemic lockdown, after friends and acquaintances have had COVID? We flew to Hawaii for a week.We filled out our holiday cards today. Maybe eight of them. It's a few hours of toil. It feels good to get it done.
Editing the address list always brings back memories. There were a few friends we haven't heard from in a while. Years really. It's a judgment call with these... who should we cut out? who should we try one more time?
Sandy reappeared on our list after being cut out years ago. He's been reaching out again. It's good to hear from him.
One death on the list. One divorce.
Four new people on the list. I like that we have new friends in the time a pandemic.
I called an old friend today for the first time since the pandemic began. I've known him for years-- maybe 25. He is from my old city, so the distance makes it difficult to stay in touch.
While we were sharing this years disaster stories, he asked me some weird but serious questions about COVID (he had proof it was an escaped Chinese bio weapon), the election fraud (How bad was it that the the judicial system had turned down so much evidence) and the Antifa (How big are they? Am I far away enough from downtown Seattle that I'd be OK if they attacked.) I chose my words carefully. I didn't want to get into a deep debate on this.
This did get me thinking though. Mentally, I still separate Trump supporters from Republicans who support Trump because he is the president. These Republicans may stay quiet on Trump theatrics for various personal reasons (lower taxes? abortion?) but, by and large they don't support his him as a person.
Is that true? Does 45% of the country really believe the election was stolen? That COVID is a globalist conspiracy to take over the U.S?
Either way, how should I engage people who radically disagree with me on not only on the facts and analysis, but the process chosen to determine what is a fact, what is evidence? Staying silent sounds like I tacitly agree. Confronting polarizes them and ends the conversation. Somehow I have to convey a loving and supportive doubt. "Stay with me... I love you and I want to listen to you even though we disagree. I know this is the best you can do right now..."
1. Work has been busy for the husband and I this week.
2. The brother in law is applying for jobs. He has an interview for an Amazon warehouse role, and another interview as a support rep for an insurance company.
3. It's been cool and sunny here of late. I love this weather.
4. For the first time in my life I built my own PC and installed linux on it. Part of me did this because much of my work team is very anti Microsoft, anti Apple. I'm showing off to the cool kids at work, trying to get there respect.
Honestly, it took me about three weeks to build the PC. The first week it wouldn't even power up. The second week it would power up, but stop and blink all sorts of error lights.
1. Friday I had a root canal. It went well. No pain now.
2. We feasted on Thanksgiving. Wednesday, the brother-in-law, H and the husband started prepping for dinner. Thursday they cooked it all up. I swear we had enough food for 12 people-- a cheese and veggie tray and deviled eggs to start, then turkey, candied yams, brussels sprouts, mashed potatoes, mac and cheese. Pies, brownies and tarts for dessert.
We did not need all that food. It am very thankful to be leaving this way, with good friend, in the middle of a pandemic.
The husband has already bought and wrapped my Christmas gift. He is very thoughtful like that. My brain is more like... hmmm... the holidays are coming up... o yeah... Christmas... should I get gifts for people?... I hate shopping...
I developed a toothache over the weekend. I'm about to head into the dentist to see what's going on.
Wind and rain today. The gardener is having one last go at the back yard before winter sets in. We've removed the hanging plants. We've cleaned and refilled the hummingbird feeders-- some humming birds, Anna's, will stay here year around.
The state is locking things down again. Covid is spiking. We've started buying larger batches of grocers so we won't go to the store so often. H, our room mate, rushed to get one last workout in before her gym closed due to the lock down.
The brother-in-law is sober now. Since he arrived, he's been sitting on the sofa. Sometimes watching TV. Mostly contemplating his life.
Why does he want to drink... why is he driven to drink, even when he is past the point where he has lost his job, where his drinking is causes serious health problems? Why does he need someone there to stop him from drinking more?
1. The brother-in-law got out of detox a few days and proceeded to start drinking again. Today he called the husband, asking for help.
The husband and H are responding to the call. They will pick up the brother in law and drive him back to our place.
I don't understand addiction. I've never had problems saying no to alcohol or drugs. And yet, I'm married to a man in AA. Many of my friends are also members.
Perhaps I should attend Al Anon more regularly.
2. The brother in law is here now. He is looking rough. He is drunk.
The brother in law is in a mental health center detoxing, being counseled. He is in good spirits and talks to the husband at least once a day.
He seems to have these meltdowns every year or so. He has for as long as I've known him. It's my hope that this time he will be cured. Maybe we are expecting too much from him-- that this time he will stay sober.
Maybe I have to accept that, from time to time, the brother in law will hit a low. All I can do is love him for who he is.
The night of the election I slept poorly. It talked to H about it. H is a friend who is a black woman. H said she slept well. Her opinion is that the election won't change things as much as I think. She is probably right. This is all a good reminder of the serenity prayer.
We are at peak fall now. The days are sunny. The leaves have changed colour and are starting to fall.
The brother in law has fallen off the wagon-- in a big way. The husband is struggling with this. He is angry at his brother and won't rescue him.
2...
The husband himself is doing well. He just got a great promotion at work. A new team and a substantial raise with it.
3. Halloween was quiet. Two families dropped by. Last year over a dozen did. The city asked families to not trick or treat, so I'm not sure why these two families did.
We ate most of the Halloween candy. I loved it.
3. The election... the election... will it be crazy. Will it be fine. Seattle has asked stores in protest zone to lock up well by end of business tomorrow. Some stores are boarding up.
The rest of Seattle... it's all good. We are having dinner with a few friends tomorrow to watch the results.
4. I just Ubered the Brother in Law to the hospital. He is unable to stop drinking. He asked the Husband for help.
I had my first colonoscopy. It went well. Last week I had my eyes examined. The week before was my annual physical. I guess all my medical maintenance is done now. At least until next year.
The weather has cooled off. I have much more energy at this time of the year. The cool is invigorating. As such I have started doing a two mile hikes on many mornings. During the week I have several morning meetings where I must pay attention but don't have to participate. I'll put my earbuds in and join the meeting on my cell phone. Then the dog and I will go for a nice hike.
The husband is getting stir crazy and wants to travel. We have a couple of friends who have started traveling frequently. There are great deals right now. I am not as comfortable with flying as he is. But, I am also not going stir crazy. I wish he could find a great way to burn off his energy.
I am fasting this morning. I have a doctors appointment this afternoon. Nothing serious. I am just beginning the health checks for fifty year old's go through. They will do a blood test that requires a fast.
If you want to make time go slowly, fast and skip your morning coffee. I have become very productive to distract my self from the fast.
Fall is here. As it happens every year, the spiders have returned. Or perhaps they never left. Whatever the truth is, spiders build large numbers webs in the fall in the Pacific North West. I am in our backyard reading and I count no less than six large webs around me, in the bushes, in the trees and on the deck.
I’m fine with them but they creep the husband and the roommate out.
Spiders aside, I enjoy this weather. I can use a few hours of quiet contemplation. Spiders are good company.
Things quiet down...
The rains have come and cleaned up the local forest fires. Our air is back to normal. I don't know if the same is true in Oregon and California.
My dad had his first knee surgery. It went well. I'll have his second in the coming months. I'm going to try and be there for him, though that means I will need to quarantine for a few weeks.
The husbands parents are doing well.
C2 was in town for the weekend. He too is moving his father to a retirement home. We talked about the challenges of aging parents. Of course he is facing it all with his typical grumpy/stoic attitude.
I spoke too soon about glorious weather. We had about a day of smoke from the fires in eastern Washington.
The brother-in-law has stopped his alcoholic bender. He is back to work. The husband spends a few evenings a week with him. It's good for both of them.
I've been planning out how to spend some time with my parents. Because they are in Canada, I will have to quarantine for 15 days before I can visit them as the law says you cant quarantine in a house with anyone over the age of 65. This means I will need to spend probably three weeks in Canada. Too long to take vacation. So I must work from Canada for a few weeks.
I've found a place where I can stay for two weeks-- I have many friends in Ontario. Now I have to check in with the husband. I don't think he'll be able to work from remote from Canada for three weeks.
Too much planning.
I see the first hints of fall. The flowers are past their prime. Some of the trees are dry, leaves turning brown.
Our backyard has a bit of a natural sundial. The sun only clears the tallest trees during the longest days of summer. Now with the days growing shorter, our afternoon sunlight is filtered by leaves.
Still, the weather is glorious. Sunny. Warm. No hints of the Seattle rain just yet.
Sunday we arrived home. I felt my mood lift up as I got out of the car. In Sacramento the temperature was 100F. The air was thick with smoke from the fires. In the Pacific Northwest the air is clean and the temperature is around 72F.
The husband is heading downtown to spend the afternoon with his brother. The brother is trying to stay sober and to keep things together. The husband desperately wants him to succeed.
Of course the news and work is also weighing heavily on the husband. This morning he asked how I handled it? Do I just ignore it? I took a breath and responded "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..."
