New left turn in my life-- Harry and I are going to date again. I ran into him Saturday night at the Cuff. I didn’t recognize him at first. He’s cut his hair real short, and has grown a beard. He didn't mean to have his hair buzzed on the back-- there is a scar there shapped like a smile. When his hair dresswer was cleaning it, she accidentally buzzed it with a #1. To try and make lemons out of lemonade, he's shaved two eyes above the scar; now he has a happy face on the back of head.

Harry has vowed to never have short hair again and is wearing a cap all the time. He'll probably re-grow his pony tail.

We talked a while and I told him I wanted to try and work things out. He said he wanted the same. We spend the evening together, and hung around some of his friends. He’s got a new straight-but-I-see-guys friend; I guess he’s hanging out at the truck stops again.

We agreed to get together Sunday afternoon, but he didn’t show up. He called me later in the day and apologized. He said that he was so hung over from Saturday night that he couldn’t get out of bed. Right now, he’s going to come over to my place Tuesday after work. He said he has lots of questions.

Sunday night I went to R&J’s to watch Iron Chef; Tuna Battle. Later on we carved pumpkins for Halloween. You can buy pumpkin carving templates now. They didn’t have that when I was a kid. It makes things so much easier.

Next Friday on Iron Chef is a Pumpkin Battle. I’ll be at R&J’s for sure!

Got some email from Andy in L.A. I’m going down to visit him next weekend. He’s planning a real party weekend with stops at a lot of great spots. He really wants me to like L.A. Could be fun. From what I've seen you either love L.A. or you hate it.

Andy also said that he missed me. Weird. Andy and I have never said anything touchy feely to each other. That’s the great thing about our friend ship. We hang around each other because we want to, and not for emotional support or anything.

I think he might be remembering the reasons he left L.A. in the first place.

I went to the dentist-- my regular 6-month checkup. Nothing exciting happened. She suggested that I get braces. She always does. My teeth are slightly crooked, but not completely out of whack. I’m almost tempted to get some, however once I knew a dentist as a friend. He told me to not bother with it. He said my mouth wasn’t ugly, and that straightening my teeth would just remove some of the character of my face.

My dentist is the world’s gentlest dentist. She does everything without pain. This is a big change from my last dentist who believed that you were not flossing thoroughly enough unless your gums were bleeding.

When I left I got a new toothbrush, and mint floss. Now, a new toothbrush is good, but I really like the mint floss. I think that mint floss is one of the few aspects of dentistry that I actually look forward to. Let me elaborate. At home, I have this mile long bale of plain floss that I’ve been using for years. (I think I bought it before 1994) Now, the little box of mint floss that my dentist gives me only lasts a couple of months. This means that after I visit the dentist, I get to floss with mint for a little while, yet not so often that I’m always flossing with mint. Eventually I ran out, and revert to the plain bail of floss. After a few months of flossing with plain floss, I look forward to the mint floss I know I’ll get after my next visit to the dentist.

What other aspects of dentistry are pleasant? Funky toothbrushes are good. So is that ultra clean feeling your teeth have after you leave the dentist, but that’s a bit like saying “It feels good when I stop banging my head.” Orange flavored tooth polish is also not without it’s charm. New toothpaste is ok. Especially if you change to a variety you haven’t used before, say Colgate tarter control to Crest with baking soda.

I haven’t flossed since my visit to the dentist. My mint floss sits unopened in my truck.

Last night I went out with Ryan and Jen from my hockey team. They invited a few friends along, and we went to the Eating Factory, and later to Rock Bottom Bar and Grill. It was fun. We told each other gross and demeaning stories, and talked a bit about work.

Ryan and Jen are having an Iron Chef party on Sunday. I’m invited.

Now, Harry and I, we are getting together on Sunday. For a while, I wanted to call him up, and visit him tonight. Then talking to Jen last night, I remember some of the reasons I stopped seeing Harry. I want to travel around and see the country. Maybe move to a different city. Harry is a native of Washington. He’s always lived here, and never really got around. He didn’t visit Portland until he was 31. He never went to downtown Seattle until he was 27. Can we work out some kind of life together? I want to right now. But I seem to be kind of bi-polar. Will I still want to in a week?

Things are quiet at work. We are going through our bug backlog. We don’t know what’s on the schedule next, so we are in kind of a make work mode. The specs for the next project haven’t been completed yet, and my division is big enough that every developer doesn’t need to be tightly involved with the high level specs.

I sometimes wonder about my abilities. I’ve been in this division, yet I’m still a lower peon dev. Mind you, there are lots of lower peon devs that have been around for longer than I have, but still, questions remain. Has my career stagnated? How would I tell? There are lots of smart people around me, and we all can’t get promotions.

I am considering moving to another division. I’d like to go off on my own, contracting or consulting, by I don’t have a green card, so I can’t quiet my job.

We have 8 people on my hockey team this year. I’m not expecting good things. I’m going to try my hardest, and use the ice time to improve my stick handing. But still, it would be good to have warm feelings going into the season.

I hate my emotions. In mid August, I broke up with Harry, because I wasn’t falling in love with him. Now, for some dumb reason, I miss him, and can’t stop thinking about him. I called him up once, and left him a message. He didn’t return my call. That’s probably a good thing. I want to call Andy up, and tell him what I feel, but I know what he’d say. He’d shake his head, insult me, and remind me that I have a habit of breaking up, and getting back together, and breaking up, and getting back together.

What is with me? What can’t relationships be simple? Why can’t I meet a guy, know that I’m falling in love with him, and go from there? I’ve fallen in love before. Why hasn’t it happened in a long time? Why does it happen after I end things with a guy, and stop speaking to him for a month or more? It could be absence makes the heart grow fonder. Or, it could be that I want what I haven’t got.

I have to remind my self of all the reasons why I stopped seeing Harry. He chews tobacco. I would be committing my self to a life in white trash rural Washington. The sex wasn’t that great. He couldn’t make his own decisions; I don’t want to see someone who wants me to be their personal manager

Would I miss Harry if Terry were single? I haven’t run across Terry for a few weeks. I wonder what he’s up to?
Work has been uneventful. We are going through our bug backlog. We don’t know what’s on the schedule next, so we are in kind of a make work mode. The specs for the next project haven’t been completed yet, and my division is big enough that every developer doesn’t need to be tightly involved with the high level specs.

I sometimes wonder about my abilities. I’ve been in this division, yet I’m still a lower peon dev. Mind you, there are lots of lower peon devs that have been around for longer than I have, but still, questions remain. Has my career stagnated? How would I tell? There are lots of smart people around me, and we all can’t get promotions.

I am considering moving to another division. I’d like to go off on my own, contracting or consulting, by I don’t have a green card, so I can’t quiet my job.

We have 8 people on my hockey team this year. I’m not expecting good things. I’m going to try my hardest, and use the ice time to improve my stick handing. But still, it would be good to have warm feelings going into the season.

I hate my emotions. In mid August, I broke up with Harry, because I wasn’t falling in love with him. Now, for some dumb reason, I miss him, and can’t stop thinking about him. I called him up once, and left him a message. He didn’t return my call. That’s probably a good thing. I want to call Andy up, and tell him what I feel, but I know what he’d say. He’d shake his head, insult me, and remind me that I have a habit of breaking up, and getting back together, and breaking up, and getting back together.

What is with me? What can’t relationships be simple? Why can’t I meet a guy, know that I’m falling in love with him, and go from there? I’ve fallen in love before. Why hasn’t it happened in a long time? Why does it happen after I end things with a guy, and stop speaking to him for a month or more? It could be absence makes the heart grow fonder. Or, it could be that I want what I haven’t got.

I have to remind my self of all the reasons why I stopped seeing Harry. He chews tobacco. I would be committing my self to a life in white trash rural Washington. The sex wasn’t that great. He couldn’t make his own decisions; I don’t want to see someone who wants me to be their personal manager

Would I miss Harry if Terry were single? I haven’t run across Terry for a few weeks. I wonder what he’s up to?

I feel so mature.

I’ve had an uneventful couple of days. Friday I went out drinking and ran into Will. I run into him every Friday. We drank a lot, and toured the bars. Will’s going through a phase right now. He’s going through a divorce, and is under the impression that gay bars are a great place to meet guys.. He comes onto everyone (Including me) I think he sleeps around a lot. But the truth is, he may sleep around just as much as me, it’s just that I’m better at hiding it.

The big problem is that he dates a guy once or twice, and then starts to hate them. That’s the major reason why I don’t want to date Will-- too much trouble.

Saturday, I went to Portland; stayed at the Mark Spencer. Toured the Saturday Market, went drinking. I’ve only been to Portland 5 times in the 3 years that I’ve lived in Seattle. Yet, every time I go to Portland, there’s always an event, or a reason. Never just to relax. The first 3 times, it was to get away from Brian. Brian and I fought a lot; Portland was our patch up place. In fact the second time I went to Portland, we got into a big fight right there. He wanted to go steady. I wanted to take it easier. When he asked me if I loved him, and I said no, then it really set things off.

The fourth time I went to Portland, I was dating Harry. Andy and I went to Portland for a Softball Tournament. Friday night, I met Terry, a really nice guy from Seattle. I stayed with him Friday and Saturday Night, and we agreed to get together the next weekend. Before I went to Portland, I knew that I wasn’t interested in a steady relationship with Harry-- I was working up the courage to end it with him. When Andy and I talked things over, we decided that I had to end it with Harry the next Friday. But Friday rolled around, and I couldn’t do it. Harry and I went out to the Cuff. Guess who was there? Terry. Terry looked at Harry and I, and figured things out. I felt like a heal. I guess I wasn’t to friendly that night, because Harry mentioned that I was acting distant. I was. I felt bad.

A couple of days later, I called up Terry, and apologized to his answering machine. He called my machine back, and said that what I did was fairly typical in the gay community, but it was atypical for a guy to call and apologize, and that he respected me for doing so.

When I told Andy about running into Terry with Harry, Andy slapped me. He said, “You are so stupid. Why did you do that? You were going to break up with Harry. Terry is a great guy.” He shook his head. Andy and I both have problems conducting relationships. We try to discipline each other.

Months later, after Harry and I stopped dating, I ran into Terry at the Cuff; he had a boyfriend. We said ‘hi’ to each other, but he kept his distance. Andy was ready to go up to Terry and say “Barry fucked up, and he’s really sorry for it. He was ready to break up with the other guy, but it took longer than he expected.” I don’t know if Andy was trying to help, or trying to get me in trouble. Andy likes to do both.

I wish Terry luck. I am the victim of my choices.

Sunday I drove to Mount St. Helens. As part of my personal religion, I’m supposed to go to mountains, and meditate. Unfortunately, St. Helens isn’t a good meditation mountain. Sure it’s big, and the site of the destruction, even 20 years later, is aw inspiring. But, after about 15 minutes of being in aw of the mountain, the feeling subsides. Then you look around and see that the whole area is a great big gravel pit. Without vegetation, there is nothing but gray stone from horizon to horizon. There is no place to get away, and meditate in peace.

Sunday evening, I drove back to Seattle. Had beers at the Cuff. Talked to Brian for a while. He wants to have me over for dinner.

In conclusion, I drink a lot, and treat guys poorly.

Years ago I kept a journal of all the things that happened in my life. But then I stopped. I got dumped. The computer was 'our' computer. My journal documented the events leading up to the dumping. It was too much to face. I stopped.

I'm much more cheerful now.

Now I'm going to restart. I'm going to keep a journal. This time on the web. For now I'm going to changes name to protect the innocent. The people in my life are relativly private. They don't need to see my analysis of their and my lives posted for all to see.

The story so far...

I work-- a lot-- at a software company in Redmond WA. And that's about it. I'm trying to develop a life. I've decided that money isn't all it's cracked up to be. I've met very few millionares whom I respect, and want to model my life after. It seems that the big bucks come to those who are willing to sacrifce everything, but what it takes to make big bucks.

We just shipped our product. So now I have a lot of free time on my hands. It's strange. Every day used to be, get up, go to work, go home, go to bed. My garbage only contained toilet paper tubes, cerial boxes and milk cartons. But now I have time. It's liberating, and scary. At first I spent many hours on sex chats, getting frustrated, and well, other stuff. Then I got sick of that. I was waisting a gift, a valuable comodity. So now I'm trying to balance my self. But, more on that later.

What happened today... I went to work. One of guys I work with, Mac, is leaving for another state. My manager and I went out for beers with him. We envited a lot of people along, but no one showed. My works like that. Everyone kind of keeps to themselves. With some more advanced planning we could have got others to show up, especially if we conviced some one higher up to come-- that would turn it into a company event and give the ambitious someone to schmooze with. But alas, it was just me, my manager and Mac. The talk was plesent. We remaniced about the old days, in a geeky way. We talked about computers that only had 4 colours. 360k floppies and tape drives. Sigh, I'm only 30, and I'm starting to tell stories that go "I remember when.... and we liked it!"