Friday night, C2, Bruce and I had dinner at Siams. Afterwards, I went to the Cuff, and to the Eagle. I ran into very few people that I knew.

Satuday was a do nothing sort of day. I bought groceries, farted around on the computer, worked out and made dinner. C2 came over for diner and we watched "Black Hawk Down"

C2 is going through a lot of stress right now. His life is going ok, but some friends and family are crumbling. His father's marriage is breaking up and his father is broke-- lost a lot of money in the stock market. C2's brother was just commited to a mental institution.

Also, B, a good friend of C2's, has been detained twice in the past week. Last Saturday, B went out drinking. Rather than drive home, B slept in her van. Some police came across her, charged here some sort of drinking charges and brough her to jail. B called C2 at about 6 in the morning and got him to pick her up.

Then last Thursday, B got really drunk (B has a drinking problem) and decided to tell her therapist and another friend that she was going to commit suicide. The therapist called the cops. The cops entered B's house and draged here off to the hospital. C2 said that B had sort of slit her wrists-- it was more like a cat had repeatadly scratched her wrists, than she actually slit them. B called C2 at around midnight and asked him to get her out of the hospital. He tried, but the hospital wouldn't release her till the next morning.

As far as C2 is concerned B has no plans to kill herself. She just wants attention. I think that B needs to stop drinking and start going to A.A.

C2 has decided to not answer the phone after 11pm and before 8am. No good can come of it.

I had lunch with C5 today. He drove. When he dropped me off, I gave him a quick peck on the cheek. Later I got this email from him...

Barry,

Thanks again for a great lunch -- I always enjoy talking to you. If I seemed a little taken back in the car just before you got out, it was because I didn't expect it. I wish I had because I would have reciprocated :-) (remind me next time to lighten up)

Looking forward to our next lunch...

Now C5 is dating someone. I don't know how serious it is. But still, I'm attracted to C5. For now, I'll just put effort into getting to know him better. If things stick between C5 and BF, then I'll have a good friend. If they don't... I cross that bridge when I get there.

Another Candian I work with, who was approved for a green gard 5 months after me, also got his green card yesterday. It's like someone at the INS said "Let's do the state of Washington today."

I got my green card! I'm a Canadian. I've been in the U.S. on a work visa. For the past 5 years have been trying to get my green card.

Today when I checked my mail-- there it was.

Now I can quit my job and I don't have to flee the country. I don't think I'll do that yet, but it's nice to have options.

I'll still can't vote, but hey, there are worse things.

Bleah. Played hockey tonight. We lost. I don't know what the score was. But it wasn't close.

Only half the team showed up. Some friends of a team-mate had their equipment, so we let them play. That gaves us 3 men on the bench. To play a good game you need at least 5 men on the bench. Eight is even better. With only 3 spares you get tired out very quickly.

Then, two of our players got game misconducts and had to leave the ice. That left us with one man on the bench.

We tried to slow the game down whenever possible, but it was just so easy for the other team to skate fast and tire us out.

Here are the photos.

C2 and took the pictures from our weekend trip, and put them on the web. We're trying to goad other people into doing things with us. Hopefully the pictures will help.

I worked late last night. I'm working on a Help Wizard for the next version of our product. It's really boring and I'm having motivation problems.

Last night at the Cuff I ran into Brian, my ex.

His life is still as complicated as ever-- he's involved with two or three lawsuits and is still unemployed.

He said on a typical day he get's up at about 10am and goes to the gym for a couple of hours. By the time he returns, he has several messages from different lawyers or arbitration judges asking him questions and wanting him to call back. Then he spends the afternoon returning the calls.

He just beat another charge. A few months ago, at 6am, after an all night party, he dropped a friend off in a bus zone because the friend needed to use the bus. A police officer pulled Brian over and tried to get him to take a field sobriety test and a breathalyzer. Brian refused.

They tried to put Brian in jail, but they couldn't because he hadn't done anything wrong.

At the trial, since Brian wasn't pulled over with probable cause, he was found not guilty. Brian said the prosecutor was livid. When the judge threw out the bulk of the evidence, the prosecutor threw his papers up in the air and shouted "Why don't we give Mr Brian everything he wants."

I am so over Brian. He's still cute, and I feel an attraction when I first see him. But after talking to him, it always goes away. I want to live a nice quiet life.

I had a busy weekend. Saturday C2 and I went camping.

First we drove to Ross lake and hiked around the Ross lake dam.

Next we drove to the memorial for the 30 mile fire. Last year there was a large forest fire by Winthrope. 4 people died in it. We went to their memorial. It's a very sad story. The people were only a few hundred feet from a river, but couldn't get to it because of the smoke and fire.

We spent the night at Lake Alta State Park

Sunday we drove around Lake Chelan. There is another forest fire near Chelan-- The deer plains fire. We tried to get to it, but couln't. We could see the smoke over the mountains, but all routes to it are blocked off.

We stopped off at the Chelan Falls Park. There was no one there, so I went skinny dipping. It was fun. The water was beautiful. I couldn't convice C2 to get in.

We drove back to Seattle in early afternoon. Where it was sunny and warm around Lake Chelan, it was cool and raining in Seattle.

Our team at work saw "Austin Powers in Goldmember" on Friday. I have mixed feelings about this movie. Some parts of it were very very funny. Some parts of it were very very stale. I give it 6 out of 10. Worth a manitee-- just to see the subtitles joke and the peeing statue joke.

Oh yeah, we finally get to see the "sharks with frik'n laser beams."

Had dinner with C2, J, Mathew and Mathew's ex. It was good. Judging from the way Mathew and his ex were talking, I don't think they will be getting back together.

We went to the cuff afterwards. Two guys from Dallas wanted to have a threesome with me. I said no.

Afterwards I went to the Eagle. They've remodeled. I'm not sure I like it better.

On the way home the moon was bright. I stopped off at Lake Samamish to take pictures of the moon reflecting on the lake. I think I got a few good ones.

I Thursday I had lunch with Bruce and C2. C2 and I have decided to see the lake Chilan Fires this weekend.

Thursday afternoon I had a meeting with the Korea.com people. It was weird, the Korea.com people don't speak English so all the conversation had to go through a translator. One of the Koreans had this bad habit of saying "Yes" every time an English speaker paused. It made it look like he understood what we were saying, but he didn't.

Thursday night Cor and I watched Black Hawk Down on DVD. It's a good war movie.

Cor is away for a couple of weeks. He's going to Miami for work, and to close his house.

Played hockey last night. We list 8 to 4. Oddly enough it was the best game we played all summer.

The team is offically falling apart. At least 3 guys have said they won't be returning in the fall. Most of the rest are non-commital.

Last night I had dinner with Mathew. Went to the Foghorn. Good food.

Afterwards we took a walk along the Lk Washington waterfront. The weather was beautiful and warm Some people were swimming. Two women, fully clothed, jumped into the lake.

Next week, Mat and I are going to have dinner along Lk Washington again. We are going to bring our swimming trunks, so we can go swimming afterwards.

Things are going ok with Mathew-- just the usual amount of drama. He's decided to quit his job. He's moving out of his parents house. His reconciliation with his BF is going a bit bumpy. Right now the BF wants to be able to see other men. Mat is almost willing to concede him that only because he knows that the BF will never sleep around.

Sigh. I have crabs. Well, hopefully that's now past tense.

I noticed that I was itching. I looked around my body and found a few of the beasts. I ran out to the drugstore and bought a bottle of Rid. That's embarrassing.

To try and hide my purpose, to dilute the embarrassment, I also bought about a dozen other things-- recordable CD's toilet cleaner, batteries and scrub pads. I was trying to send out the signal "I need many things. Oh, a bottle of Rid would be good to have on hand. For an emergency. Not that I need it now"

Why do all the anti-crab/lice medications have "Lice" printed on them in large words. It just makes it worse.

At the checkout, the clerk fumbled with the bottle of Rid for a few seconds . I made sure I didn't touch him when I picked up my bag. Not that crabs are transmitted that way. I didn't want to worry him.

Afterwards I covered myself head to toe with Rid and did lots of laundry. I'm glad that Cor is away on business.

I get to do it all again in seven days.

I wonder who gave these to me? Allan is the obvious culprit. But, I'm a fairly hairy man. I could have picked them up from a public toilet. In which case, I may have given them to Allan. Hmmm. Do I call him and tell him?

Sigh.

Sunday, C2 and I went to "Wild Waves" a water and amusent park south of Seatte. We had a lot of fun. Some of the lineups were long, I think we went on as many waterslides after 5pm as before 5pm, thanks to the shortened lines.

We also went on a roller coaster. The over-the-shoulder-safety-bar was an inch to low for me, so I was very uncomfortable. The actual ride was fun.

After the Wilde Waves, C2 and I had dinner at Siams and then read "Savage Love" This weeks column was about sex and siblings-- incest, dating the sister of a good friend, catching your brother beating off. I'm sure Dan Savage makes Ann Lander's roll in her grave...

Allan came over Friday night. The three of us (Cor, Allan and I) went to see Eight Legged Freaks a good monster movie.

Allan spent the night. It was nice.

I think Cor went out. Allan and I wolk up the next morning at 8am. Cor was gone.

At lunch, Allan went to a rugby pratice at a park near here. I worked out, and then watched the last half of the pratice. Rugby looks fun.

One sour note. Something happened during the scrimage at the end of the practice. The coach and Allan got into an argument. After the scimage we were supposed to go to a BBQ with the rest of the rugby team, but Allan said he was in a bad mood, and wanted to be alone for a while. So, I said goodbye.

Later on, I got an email from him apologizing for mood.

In the evening, I went over to Bruce's and watched Amélie with him. This is the 3rd time I've seen Amélie and I still like it. Bruce and I talked about the rugby BBQ. Bruce has signed up for the rubgy team, so he went to the BBQ for a while. He said that there were naked men in the hot tub and he asked me why I didn't go.

I don't know what I'm going to do with Allan. I'll take it slow and see what happens. Already I'm in a "Whatever" sort of mood with him.

Had dinner with Mathew. We went to the Captial Club. Great food, a bit overpriced.

Afterwards we went up the Cuff. It was the birthday of a friend of Mathew. The lolipop guild was there (4 bears who are all 5'6'') Behind their backs, Mathew started making pigmy jokes... "I keep expecting one of them to haul out a blow-dart, and shoot me!" Mathew can be very mean. He's not like that when he's alone with me, but when he get's going with his friends-- watch out. I wonder what he says about me behind my back.

Played hockey tonight. We lost 5-3. The team is starting to fall apart. At the end of the game, one of our players got in a fight with the ref and earned a game suspension. Later on he resigned from the team. Another player bitched the first out for not controlling his temper. It's one thing to be angry. It's another to whup-ass on the refs.

Allan watched the hockey game. He said he enjoyed it. Afterwards we had dinner at Rock Bottom and talked about hockey and rugby. He plays rugby, and wants me to join the team. It's a big commitment. Games or practices are every Saturday plus one weeknight. On top of that many of the regular games are in Oregon or Idaho-- this makes it a weekend commitment just to play a game of rugby.

There is some kind of commotion outside my house. There is a large water-shed just to the south. About 10 cop cars have surrounded the water-shed, and a helicoptor with a spotlight is above. I don't see anything in the news. I'll look again tomorrow.

"Dates"

I had lunch with C5 today. I have a bit of a crush on C5 but he's seeing someone. I try to play it cool. But still, I approach it like a date. I make sure I dress attractive, I find a cool restaurant to go to and I spend a few minutes before hand recalling interesting stories to talk about.

I got this back from him...

> Barry,
> Thanks for a great break from work today. I always enjoy talking to you. Let's try to make our lunch "dates" more often.
> Later,
> C

The down side of having a crush on someone is that I can't take what they say at face value. I have to analyze it and pick at the words. Why did he put "dates" in quotes? Did he want to make sure I interpreted "lunch dates" as "lunch friendship-dates" by stressing the "dates" part, or did he want me to interpret "lunch dates" as "lunch romantic-dates" by stressing the "dates" part. Or am I being obsessive, and he being coy?

Sunday morning I had breakfast with C2 at Glo's in Seattle. We talked about money he felt me out about how much I had. He's been playing the stock market. A few weeks ago he was up tens of thousands of dollars. Now he's lost it all.

I didn't do much Sunday afternoon. Sunday evening I had a date with Allan. It went ok. Allan is an attractive, fairly interesting man. He's an muscian, opera singer and music teacher. Right now he doesn't have a full time job. He said he's got enough money to last till February.

He lives in a small studio aparment with a room mate. My bedroom is larger than their whole aparment. I didn't tell him that.

I spent Friday night and most of Saturday in Olympia at a work-friends place. He and his brother inherited a large house on Ward Lake. His brother is a parapelgic so my friend goes to Olympia every weekend to spend time with him. It's a quiet life. He really appreciates the company.

Satruday evening I went to B&M's for a BBQ and Badmonton tournament. The badminton tournament is the only time of the year they can shout "cock" jokes. B&M actually managed to get pink shuttlecocks with white heads.

"That little cock goes far!" "It's all in how you use it."
"The cock is in the bush."
"Why are you taking so long? Let me play with the cock too."
"Barry's a cock hog."
"You know... cock jokes never get tired."

Cor didn't come home last night.

Played hockey tonight. We lost 6-3.

Afterwards the team Captain, Colin, and I had a few beers. Colin was in a chatty mood. He told me that he's HIV+. He also told me that we have the same taste in men. Colin and I have dated a few of the same guys. He said he had a date with John the fireman, whom I dated last October. He also said spent an evening with Master Mark. Mark told Colin that Mark and I went to a football game together. I wonder how much else he told Colin.

After I came home, I chatted with Cor for a while. When Cor headed off for bead I said "Goodnight."

Cor turned to me and said, "You know, you don't have to say goodnight to me. We can sleep together. That would be nice."

I told him no, and we joked about the offer for a bit. Then he told me it was ok, that he had sex earlier that night.

Don't I feel special.

After 34 years of living on the farm, my parents have moved. My mother just emailed me the new phone # and address. This is weird. The old phone number, the old home, the river that ran through the farm, my bedroom; these were things that were always there for me, that always felt like they were mine and would always be there.

Now they are just a memory.

I had dinner with Mathew tonight. Right now his life has a lot of drama in it He's not overly happy with that, but he's rolling with it.

We joked a bit about the lollypop guild. Mathew and I know a group of guys who are all 5'6'' and under. These guys jokingly call themselves the Lollypop Guild. Now, Mathew is 6'4''. I'm 6'6''. When we stand around the guild, we feel weird, like we're around small children.

It turns out that Mathew and George did have sex with each other. George has a partner and is in an open relationship. But, George didn't follow the rules with Mathew. So when the George's partner found out, (not sure how) it hurt the partner's feelings. Now George and Mathew can't spend time with each other. Mathew says he feels a bit like a home wrecker. He didn't mean to hurt the partner. He also put some of the blame on George. After all George is in an open relationship. He should have followed their rules, whatever they may be.

I'll never get involved with an open relationship. Too complicated.

Mathew also talked about getting back together with his ex. Blah Blah Blah, his ex is very cute. blah blah blah during the time they've spent apart, they've both learnt and grown.

I think that Mathew should get back together with his ex. Even if they don't work out, at least it will clear up Mat's feelings for his ex. The promise of love is hard to ignore.

Word Games and Stupid Gay Drama.

When I write here, I change the names to protect privacy. Well, I have to use a real name for this story, because it revolves around word play with his first name.

My friend's real name is Hunter. Hunter's ex's new boyfriend has a personal web site called Zesty On the front page of Zesty, you'll find two lists called "Sneers and "Cheers" Last week Hunter appeared under the "Sneers" list. Hunter was a bit pissed at that, so he called Zesty up, and got him to remove his name.

Well Zesty removed Hunter's name and replaced it with "la busco" At the time Hunter was satisifed. Then Cor translated. "la busco" means "one who searches or hunts for something feminine" (Because 'la' is feminine) or "A hunter of the feminine.". It also loosly mean "Mother Fucker" Hunter is of course very pissed off at Zesty.

This is so dumb. Why can't my stories be about me and my friends achieving great goals? How did I get involved with petty drama? Party of me wants to make new friends. But, mostly I like Hunter. For the most part he's a good constructive man. He's changing lately; becomming more bitter. I'll have to ask him about that.

A few days back I met a guy on the internet. Monday night I had drinks with him. He's a nice guy, but it's not going anywhere.

I went out to the Cuff Sunday evening. The Cuff has bumped up Sunday beer bust prices from $0.75 a pint to $1.00 a pint. I heard a rumor that they lost $15,000 over Gay Pride. They brought in about 5 medium-name acts (Taylor Dayne & CeCe Pensiton among others), but because it started raining, the crowds they were counting on didn't show up.

It was a genric sort of cruisy night at the Cuff. I met two guys who want to have dinner sometime. Both of them are nice, but they are definatly more attracted to me than I am to them.

I also ran into a guy who knew that I met Tom, the cop, from Portland. We were talking and he hinted that we had a common friend. I asked who. He said "Portland." and took a sip of beer.

I replied "Tom?" He spat his beer out all over me and laughed. He was very suprised I figured it out so quickly.

Last night, C2, Rob, JR and I went to the "Black Forest Party" at Camp TRC, a gay campground. The Black Forest Party is a leather party they hold every summer. The party wasn't bad but camping was more fun. Our neighbours at the campground were very friendly. They let us use their stove and cutlery. Rob and JR hadn't been camping in years, so they didn't bring their own. Fortunatly I brought enough food for the four of us.

For the most part, the party was fun. There was one big low point; C2 and I saw a guy fall into a bonfire. The guy was very drunk and stumbling around. He tripped walking by the fire and fell in on his side. Some people next to him quickly grabed him and pulled him out. After icing his burns, someone drove him to the hospital.

There was a lot of sex at the party. I didn't participate, but I did watch. Rob got laid.

I think I've had enough of gay camping for this year. The next time I go out, I'm going to go to a regular campground. The only problem is that C2 generally doesn't want to camp. He's ok with going to Camp TRC, because it's gay and it's 1 hour a way. We can leave here by 6pm, be setup by 7:30, dinner over by 8:30 and then chat and drink. Just like going to a gay bar. I on the other hand want to camp-- to be outside and away from people.

Had dinner last night with C2 and a friend of his; Rob. It was good but a quiet. Rob isn't a big talker.

Afterwards, we had coffee together and went to the Cuff.

C6 was at the Cuff. I kissed him hello. He said "That kiss wasn't as good as the last kiss you gave me." So I kissed him very passionatly. Afterwards he said "Woof!" C6 sometimes hints that he has a crush on me. He also says he's not ready for another relationship and probably can't fall in love right now. So, I'm trying to nurture his crush without presuring him to date. I don't know where this will go. I like C6.

Last night Cor ended it with the guy he met on Wednesday. Cor got home late-- maybe 4am. I thought I heard voices in his bedroom, but he left while I was out of the house. Many of us are in aw at Cor's ability to meet and dump new guys on a weekly basis-- not just for a one night stand, but to spend several days together and then dump.

Cor tried to end it with the Columbian from NY, but the Columbian got real angry at him and is flying to Seattle later on in July.

On Thursday I had lunch with C2 We're going camping on Saturday night.

In the afternoon, I cleaned the house and worked out.

I went out for drinks Thursday night. I met a guy who started buying me many tequila shots. He was trying to get me drunk to take me home. I got very sick off of the shots and went home by myself. I'm not hung over today, probably because I threw up last night.

I'm too old to drink like that.

Cor's spent all day with his new friend. I don't know the guys name, but he's a security manager for Nordstroms.

Last night was like something out of a soap opera.

Bruce sent around an email saying that he and C3 were going to the Cuff and he invited us all along. Of course Bruce and C3 never actually made it to the Cuff.

Mathew spent a lot of time talking to his ex. At one point Mathew said he was walking around with a hard-on because his ex was very cute.

My ex, Brian, was there. Brian is looking hot-- but for all the wrong reasons. He's unemployed right now so he has the time to go to the gym everyday. It's paying off. His body is looking good. We talked and I seriously considered getting back together with him. But after a while I remembered all the reasons I fell out of love with him. That, plus the fact that he may be homocidally violent made it easy for me to go home alone.

Cor didn't make it home last night. I saw him heavily flirting with three different men.

Cor dumped Bill, the nice guy from Portland.

Cor was dating 3 guys. He has a 25yo Columbian from NY. He has a guy in Boston whom he married in Vermont and he had Bill. Last night Cor and I talked about his dating problems. I pointed out that unless he was going to have an open relationship, he would have to get rid of two of the guys.

Tonight Cor said he followed a bit of my advice and got rid of Bill. I'm kind of surprised he got rid of Bill. Bill was the bird in the hand, so to speak.

A James Bond movie was on TV. When the theme played, Cor did a little dance and tore up a card from Bill.

Mathew and I had dinner tonight. Mathew's ex is trying to get back together with him. They were meeting for drinks after our dinner. Mathew has a real mean side to him. I know he wants to cut up and insult his ex. I told him the best way to handle it was to play it cool, to act like he didn't feel for his ex; not love, not hate, not bitterness.

After dinner I played hockey. We lost 9-6. They had a guy who was professional caliber. He was a cut above everyone on our team. He could score at will and easily skate around our best players.

Back to the grind...

I was supposed to play hockey Monday night, but the scheduler double booked the ice. Now we're playing tonight. Unfortunatly, when I thought we were playing on Monday, I scheduled a dinner with Mathew on Tuesday. I think I'll have dinner with Matthew instead of canceling and playing hockey.

Mathew said George may come to dinner as well. Hmmm. I wonder if something is up between those two.

I had lunch with Bruce, C2 and George. We had a long conversation about drugs. It sounds like George has used almost everything. He said he's constantly looking for a new drug because all the old drugs don't affect him as much as they used to. Bruce seams to be into popers and perscription drugs. He can talk for hours about Viagra and Oxycotin.

Are drugs becomming more popular or have I beeing living in a hole? I'm still not going to try them. After seeing the O.D. in L.A. you couldn't pay me to take them.

So Cor did spend the weekend with Bill, the nice guy for Portland.

For my vacation I drove down the coast to L.A. to visit my friend Andy. I relaxed, partied a lot and tramped around a bit. Just to get it out of my system.

I started driving Tuesday afternoon-- June 18th. I made it to Portland by Tuesday evening. I met a nice guy there-- Tom. Tom is a Traffic Cop.

Wednesday I drove from Portland to the Pacific coast and started down Hwy 101. It is a beautiful drive. I stopped at a few beaches and walked along the ocean. I spent Wednesday night at a little motel by the ocean. I don't remember where. It was about 10:30pm. I saw a vacancy sign. So, I stopped and got a room.

Thursday I continued driving down the coast. There are very few radio stations along the southern Oregon coast so I set my radio to 'scan' For a long time received nothing. Then over the radio I heard "The brilliance of the sun delights and blesses us all." Then the radio station cut out. It was a weird surreal moment.

By Thursday evening I made it to San Francisco. I had a beer at the Lone Star Saloon. A very effeminate bear chatted me up. He bragged to me that he was on the cover of "American Bear" magazine. I guess he thought that made him very desirable. As if to emphasize that point, he told me a story of a guy who, a few months ago, didn't want to have sex with him because he was HIV+. But, since he appeared on the American Bear cover, the guy emailed him a few times, wanting to get together.

I left the Lone Star and went to the Eagle. A couple of Ok bands were on stage. I listened to them for a couple of hours and then went back to the hotel.

Friday morning I was tired of driving a long the coast. I went inland and took the I-5 down to L.A. I finally got to my friend Andy's place at around 6pm.

After Andy and I had dinner, he sent me off to the Faultine. Andy likes hairless twinks. I prefer regular men. So, we never agree on what clubs or bars to go to.

Andy lives a very different life than I do. He has no qualms about going to orgies, having open relationships, or just sleeping around. I met Andy about five years ago when he lived in Seattle. He didn't like Seattle because there wasn't enough sun and men. Now that he's in L.A. he's definitely taking advantage of both.

Some things concern me about Andy. He is chasing a 25yo guy named Rob. Rob is with another man. Rob would like to leave the other man for Andy, but Andy won't let Rob take drugs-- Rob's current partner lets Rob have all the drugs he wants.

Drugs seam to be very popular in L.A. Especially in West Hollywood. Sunday was L.A. pride and Andy's friend Frank threw a Pride party. One of the guests had a drug overdose (Probably GHB and Alcohol) I was no more than ten feet from the collapse and saw the whole thing. The guy fell and hit his head on the way down. Then for the next few minutes he went into seizures. He bit his tounge and some blood came out of his mouth. They managed to get a wooden spoon into his mouth so he could chomp down on that.

Someone called 911.

Next, the guy went rigid. Every muscle in his body pulled tight. After a minute of that, he started to relax. He was breathing very deeply and regularly, but he was still very out of it.

Finally the paramedics arrived. The guy started to come out of his stupor. He crossed his legs his legs like he was trying to act casual and normal. He still wasn't answer the paramedics questions like "What's your name?"

After a few more moments he started to talk and sit up. The paramedics wanted to carry him out, but the guy wanted to walk. When the paramedics tried to hold him and support him, the guy panicked and tried to flee. He started screaming at the top of his lungs "Ahhhh! You can't take me away! Ahhh! You can't arrest me!" This went on for a long time. It took 10 paramedics and fire fighters to hold the guy down and tie him to a stretcher. They couldn't sedate him because they didn't know what he was on.

I don't know how long it was before they finally took him away. Andy and I have never done drugs (Except Pot) We both agreed there was no reason to start.

A few days later Andy, Frank and I had dinner together. Frank told us the rest of the story. The guy had just become a Dean of a College in Alabama. He had a boyfriend who didn’t condone his drug use, but let the guy travel around to party and get it out of his system. The guy didn’t remember anything that happened that day. The police weren’t going to charge the guy. He should be very grateful for that. His career would be over.

I just re-read the above story. Everything I write after this seems insignificant.

Monday night Andy and I saw The Importance of Being Earnest. A good movie, especially if you like Oscar Wilde. Afterwards Andy and I skinny dipped in Andy's pool. We moved to the hottub and started drinking gin and tonics. We started talking and bull shitting and gossiping and teasing. That's the thing I miss most about Andy-- the conversation. Eventaully, Andy brought me another drink and asked "What time do you think it is?" I thought it was about 12:30am, but said 1:00am. Andy smiled and told me to look at a clock. I got out of a hot tub and looked at the kitchen clock. It was 3:30am. I didn't believe that clock so I went to my bedroom. It also said 3:30am. I wented back to the hot tub. The two of us laughed about the time.

We went to bed by 4:00am. We both wolk up hung over. For a few days afterwards when ever we went anywhere, one of us would quip "Wouldn't gin and tonic be good right now?" and the other would mock vomit.

During the Day I hung around Andy's pool, swam, read and relaxed. We took day trips to a few places. We saw an Andy Warhol exhibit. I learnt that I don't like Andy Warhol.

Wednesday night, Frank, Andy and I had dinner together. Afterwards Frank took me on a tour of the bear bars of L.A. And, after that, he brought me to a Sex Club. It was ok. It smelt bad. I did get laid.

I left L.A. Friday morning. Originally I was going to spend Friday evening in San Francisco. But, I didn't. I had enough of the fast, cruisy life. I drove on to Lake Shasta and spent the night there.

I made it to Portland by late afternoon on Saturday. I called Tom up and we had dinner. He's a good man, but it's going to be hard to spend time with him. He's on a retrograde schedule, so his free time doesn't always line up with the weekends. Also, Portland is three hours away from Seattle.

I'm home. It was a great trip. A long trip too. I'm going to shower and hit the sack. I'll fill in the trip details later.

I can hear that Cor has someone in his room. I wonder if he's new or if he's the nice guy that Cor met a few weeks ago.

Today was a long Party day. I spent Saturday night in Portland. I drove up to Seattle and had a late lunch with Bruce and C3. Afterwards I went to the Seattle Gay Pride Party at the Cuff. I ran into Mathew and George and spent most of the evening with them. For a while it was pouring rain. The three of us drove to George's place, dried our cloths, and then drove back. It was a good idea-- there were a lot of cold, damp people at the party.

Weird. This is the first time in over two weeks that I've seen rain. I guess Seattle is welcoming me back from L.A. I was worried that my lawn would be all brown and dead.

Cor went to Portland last weekend. He said met a nice guy there. This weekend the nice guy is comming to Seattle to visit Cor. The guy must be special-- Cor never dates the same man two weeks in a row.

I leave for L.A. tonight. I'm driving down the coast so I won't get there till Friday or Saturday.

I had beer at the Cuff tonight. I had a weird conversation with C6. About a year ago, C6 got out of a five year relationship. It was a bad breakup involving restraing orders, recriminiations and gossip. Over the past few months, C6 has been flirting with me-- hinting that he'd like to go out sometime, but never following through with it. I haven't put to much effort into it because he is still on the rebound.

Tonight C6 told me that every time he sees me, he thinks I'm really woofy. He wants to go out sometime, but he's afraid he's not ready for it. That's kind of hard for me to digest.

When I left, C6 said "Call me!" I said, "No, you call me." He nodded his head. I think he understood what I ment. Chasing a guy who isn't ready to date you is like banging your head against the wall. It only feels good when you stop.

We'll See. I'm on vacation for two weeks starting Tueday. I'm driving down the coast to L.A., and meeting my friend Andy there.

John, don't you live in L.A.? Maybe we should have coffee? I'm not sure about that. In some ways, I think that John (And Tommy and Snub) propably know more about me than my best friends do. In other ways, they don't know the conversational, real me. I much more level headed and conservative in real life. Plus, I won't want to talk about me. That's kind of dull.

Saturday evening I went camping with C2 at Camp TRC, a gay campground by Bender Creek. It was fun. Steven and his new boyfriend were there.

Some of the semi-permanant camp sites are very elaborate. Almost cottages-- except for the fact that you could dismantle them in an afternoon. They've also done a lot of landscaping.

I think I need a bigger tent. Right now I have a small two man tent. It is fine for sleeping in. But, you can't stand up in it.

Over this past week I sent Harry an email, and left a message on his answering machine. He hasn't wrote or called back.

Bitterness. Although, I'm not too supprised. He might find me attractive, but I don't think I excite him.

Bleah. It's 2am. I just got off the phone/internet for a work emergency. It was a dull problem, but it involved people from all over the place..One of the guys I was working with wrote "I'm sitting here in Issaquah, MCS is on site in San Ramon, the servers are in London."

Thanks for the complement John. I try to keep my writing as simple as possible.

Played hockey last night. We lost 5-1. We are now 0 wins, 4 losses and 1 tie. Our team is starting to come unglued-- infighting, badmouthing. At a hockey clinic on Tuesday, two of our players had a fist fight with each other. On Wednesday, after one of our players got a penalty, another player decided to bitch him out.

All I can do is grin and bear it.

The weather in Seattle has been warm and Sunny. Weeks like this make it worth putting up with all the rain we get in the fall winter and spring.

At work, the 'eHome' team has moved in next to my team. eHome is trying to intergate computers into the home. All of the eHome offices are set up as little living rooms with comfy chairs and cool gizmos. Maybe I'll move to eHome.

Ordinary day today. Mathew and I had dinner at Racka. He went out drinking last weekend and made a big fool of himself. He started telling people off and being very mean. I never really pictured Mathew as one of the guys who keeps it all bottled in and only expreses him self when he gets drunk.

Mathew's ex's new boyfriend keeps a website It's very complete. It's got a webcam, pics, journal, a calendar and news letter-- the whole nine yards. The new boyfriend is not a shy man. At least I change the names to protect privacy.

Afterwards I went to the Cuff. Officer Rob, and C6 where there. It's been a long time since I've seen them. They both though I was either in love, or dead. We chatted a while. It looks like Officer Rob is dating someone. Good for him.

All of a sudden I lived in Seattle for five years...

I just got my five year service award. A whole buch of us got our awards at the same time. I come from a buy out-- I used to work for a small company in Toronto, Ontario. Five years ago we were bought out. They moved us to Seattle. So today, half a dozen of us got our "Five Year Clocks"

I think I'll take the rest of the afternoon off.

Cor had a busy weekend as well. Friday night he met a guy. Saturday afternoon he left for a date with the guy. He didn't come home till Sunday morning.

Cor and I hung around together Sunday afternoon. It was a bright and Sunny day. We walked along the Kirland waterfront, took a nap on a beach and had drinks at the Beach Cafe.

We drove home around 5pm, had a few more drinks and invited Bruce and C3 over for dinner. The four of us chatted, drank, ate and had a good time.

Cor grilled me on why I wasn't interested in dating him. That's a hard question to answer. It all comes down to chemistry but when you say that it sounds like your pleading the 5th. Right now, even if I was interested in dating Cor, I wouldn't. He goes through too many guys. I don't think my heart could take that.

He also asked me about Harry. He was supprised when I said that Harry and I didn't have sex on Saturday night. He's predicting Harry will break my heart. I don't care.

Tonight, Harry and I had dinner tongether. It was good.

After dinner we played pool at a near by bar. Two older women joined us chatted us up. We played a couple of games of pool with the women, but left before things got awkward.

Harry and I kissed a bit before we parted. He said he had fun and would like to see me again. He also said he wanted to take things slow. I'm happy with that.

I talked to C2 about Harry. He wrote "...don’t trash him. A migraine can be pretty severe, especially if you don’t know how to spell it. But it’s not something to let slide either. When he calls later and reschedules and you agree to meet, perhaps mention that if he can’t make it, you’d appreciate a phone call if possible, and then drop it. If he’s a smart guy (which Harry is) he’ll pick up on the clue." I guess that's good advice.

Harry called around 7pm. He still sounds sick. He mentioned that we could get together tomorrow night. I said we should talk on Saturday and see how he feels. He also apologized a lot.

I forgive him.

I had dinner with Cor, C2, Matthew and George. It was a fun dinner. Lots of good conversation. C2 drove me home. One way home he told me a story about how it was all right to expose a vulrable side to someone I care for; that if I wanted a relationship to work I would have to do so. If I didn't it would mean I wasn't getting close to the man. C2 is wise in many ways. I think he knows how I feel about Harry and how I've been burned in the past.

I wonder what C2's story is. There are many years to his life that he doesn't talk about.

I just got this from Harry. Do I trash him, or do I let it slide?

From: "Harry....
To: "Barry...
Sent: Friday, June 07, 2002 1:40 PM
Subject: Re: Thursday Night Pizza

> Hey Barry. I am sorry, I missed pizza, I have been
> down with a migarane the last 2 days. I have shut off
> my phones and tried to stay in the dark and quiet.. I
> will call you later.. Harry

Well, Harry stood me up for dinner tonight. I wonder what his excuse will be? I wonder how long before I get to hear it? Days? Months? I I wish I could control my feelings. I develop a crush on one man in the past two years, and he's a jerk.

Speaking of being a jerk. R called and is spending tonight in Seattle. He wants to get together. I need to tell him that we should just be friends.

John, what does "Does this mean you find yourself to be a monster?" mean? Is it a joke about me being hairy? Is it a serious question?

C2 and I went and saw Insomnia with the movie bears. A fairly good movie. Worth the $5.00 discount ticket that I paid for it.

After the movie we went to the Cuff. On the way there, C2 felt me out about Church and religion...

"Have you ever gone to Church?" C2 Asked.
"Not since '93" I replied.
"Do you ever go to Church now?
"No."
"Do you ever want to go?"
"No."
"Do you ever think about going?"
"No."
"Not even to the gay friendly Chuches?"
"No."

That ended that discussion. I know that C2 goes every Sunday.

At the Cuff we ran into Mathew who also went to the moviel. We chatted for a while and drank more beer than we should have-- pitchers were less than 2 beers. It was the first time Mathew has been to a movie bears event. He said he didn't like the movie. He qualified that by saying he's from Alaska and doesn't have good memories of the place-- Insomnia is set in Alaska.

I worked late last night-- till about 10pm. I was working on a hard problem that just wouldn't give.

At home I talked to Cor for a while. He mentioned that me and his trick looked a lot a like. We were both blond, blue eyed, beard and hairy. I kind of laughed at that. We also talked about work and Seattle. He's not adjusting well to Seattle. It's too cool and not sunny enough. My gut says he'll move back to Miami within the next six months.

Harry left a message so I called him. He asked me out to dinner this Thursday!. I have to act cool. I think Harry would rather chase than be chased.

Harry and I also talked about roommates. He said he never had house against rules about bringing home tricks. He never had too--his roommates were either shy, or couldn't get a date if their life depended on it.

This morning when I went to work, I started on my hard problem again. This time, in about 5 minutes, I found a solution.

Having a room mate is going to be interesting. Cor moved in on Friday. This is the first time I've lived with someone since since 96.

When Cor and I discussed the rules of the house I said it was ok to bring guys over. It makes sense. We are both healthy single men. Eventually we are both going to meet someone and want privacy. Also, I figured Cor was fairly conservative-- when Cor and I slept together (Last March) we didn't have sex. He said "No sex till we love each other."

Well, tonight Cor walked in with a very trashy, trampy looking guy. I don't think Cor knew the guys name because the guy had to introduce himself to me. It was kind of a weird, awkward and funny moment. Fortunatly R called, so I had an excuse to leave-- to have dinner with R.

I should give Cor the benifit of the doubt. Maybe they've been seeing each other for a while. I'm laughing at Cor in my head. "Cor. You're a good looking man. Why do you want to sleep with that!" Is judging someone behind their back worse than talking about someone behind there back?

I can hear them talking and gigling in Cor's bedroom. Part of me wants to put my ear up the the door. I won't. I'll respect his privacy.

The good thing about having a journal is that I can bitch and laugh and vent and get it all out of my system. It lets me be much less gossipy in real life.

I had a good fun weekend with R. R is a nice guy who lives about 5 hours south of Seattle, on the coast. some mutual friends have been trying to hook us up. R and I have been exchanging email for awhile, so we decided to spend this weekend together. R is a sweat man. But, I think we should just be friends. Especially considering we live 5 hours apart.

I drove down to Portland Thursday evening and met R there. We spend the night together. Next morning we had breakfast with one of our mutual friends, J.

That afternoon, we drove to Lincoln city. We stayed at the Spanish Inn. It's got a great view of the ocean. We took a long walk on the beach. It was bright sunny, windy and cold. Those are problems with the ocean beaches in the Pacific North West-- too cold, always windy.

Later on we saw a boxing match. R had tickets to an ESPN Friday Night Fight. It was fun. I'm supprised how much I liked live boxing. We saw some good fights. No one left the ring looking pretty.

Afterwards we gambled for a while (The match was in a Casino) A lot of people there know R. Mostly the staff. It turns out that R's older brother is the Casino manager.

Next morning, we went surfing! It was fun, but very tiring. The surfing part of surfing is easy. Paddling out to the waves is hard. The waves beat you around and tire you out.

Later on R & I drove back to Portland to watch the Starlight Parade. It started at 9pm. At 10:30, we looked at the parade program and saw that the parade was only one third over. Bleah. I hate long slow parades. So does R. We left and spent the night at C&J's

Next morning, C, R & I had breakfast and then took a hike around a park. Early in the afternoon, I left for home.

R & I are supposed to have dinner together tonight. He has buisness in Seattle on Monday.

Monday morning I had breakfast with C2. I didn't do much for the rest of Monday.

Last night I had dinner with Mathew. He's decided to spread out the changes in his life. Instead of moving out of his parents place, and quiting his job (He works with his parents) He's going to move out and take a good vacation.

After dinner I went to the Cuff. I was supposed to meet Bruce there, but he didn't make it. He called my cell and said everything was running late. He just wanted to go home and eat.

Well, I didn't manage to get a truck canopy. I stopped by three places. None had the right colour. So, being into sour grapes and the like, I decided a canopy makes my truck look cheaper-- like an SUV wanna be.

Sunday I drove out to the Olympic Peninsula. I went to the Dungeness Spit I hiked out about a mile into the ocean. My socks and shoes got wet, so I took them off and sat on the beach for a while. I noticed that there were great skipping stones along the beach. For the next half hour I skipped stones into the ocean

I had lunch at Sequim. Sequim has a weird population. Everyone is either retired, or married with small kids. There doesn't see to be anyone there who is childless between the ages 30 and 50.

In the evening I went to a bear house party. For the most part it was the Cuff crowd. It sounds like I've become an 'A' list guest. Two guys I hardly know gave me shit half jokingly for not going to their party.

It's beautfill and sunny out today. Forcast is calling for rain on the weekend.

I think, tomorrow I'm going to get a canopy for my truck and then take an over night trip around the Olympic Peninsula.

When it rains, it pours.

My dishwasher is leaking a bit. so, I poked and prodded at it and tightened some screws. Now it's making loud grinding sounds. I need to call the repair man.

I brought the truck in for it's 60,000 mile checkup. They said the rear break cylinders are leaking. The truck needs a break job as soon as possible.

This is turning into an expensive week.

I had dinner with Mathew. He's shaved his moustache, but has decided to grow his beard back. He's going through a big change. He lives with his parents and works at their company. He's quit his job, and is moving out.

Actually, I was hung over. I didn't notice it till I started moving around. I spent most of Sunday napping, drinking water and snacking.

I went out the the Cuff Sunday evening. Harry was there. We chatted for a while

I had lunch with C5 today. Things seam to be going well with him.

A few more comments on my birthday party... We had a Shaken vs. Stired Martini contest. It was a great and terrible idea. We drank too many martini's trying to taste the difference between shaken and stirred. You can't.

Martini's are really heavy drinks. I'm going to swear off alcohol for a while.

At about 11pm, my friend Basil, showed up. C3 showed up at about 11:30pm. Now, C3 has many Jewish friends. He was raised in a Jewish area in New York. On the other hand, Basil's father is a Palistinian refugee. His family lost his home when Israel was created. When the two started talking about the conflict in Israel, the sparks started to fly. I've talked to both C3 and Basil since the party. They both said they loved arguing with the other, but the other was completly wrong.

It's my birthday. Saturday night I threw a Party. About 16 people showed up. They started arriving around 7:30pm. The last of the left at 2:30am.

It was fun. A lot of alcohol was drunk. Next year I have to provide more ways of entertaining the guests.

I'm tired now. Not really hung over though.

Hmmm. I have cable TV. I'm not paying for it. I never ordered it. I'm not pirating it. I didn't know I had it. I just have it.

I canceled cable TV about a year and half ago. I wasn't watching TV, so it didn't make sense. I didn't have cable TV last summer because when my parents where here we tried and got nothing. But, tonight I was going to watch a movie, so I turned the VCR on and noticed that chanel 3 was comming in clear. I flipped chanels to see if it was just a fluke and found out I was getting lots of TV stations.

Cool.

Our company took my team to see Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones. Sigh. The special effects and action scenes were great. Other than that the acting was wooden, the dialog was lame, there were plots holes, there were plot contrivances, some of the camera work was shoddy. But... the special effects and action scenes were great. They kept the talking parts and character building scenes short enough that I didn't squirm in my seat too long before more action was on the screen. I guess it's daming with faint praise to say that the best part of "Attack of the Clones" was the editing. In the had hands of a lesser editor this would have been a very bad movie.

I've had a social couple of days. Monday evening I had dinner with Steven at Siam's. It was fun. He has a job interview in NY this weekend. He also told me about his latest adventures. He picked up a guy last Sunday who just happens to be a drinking buddy of mine. He was caught off guard when he figured out I knew his trick. After Dinner, Steven and I had a beer at the Cuff. They played Thumb Wars a cute spoof of Star Wars.

Tuesday I had dinner with Mathew. He shaved his beard. He doesn't look as cute anymore ;-( I didn't tell him that though. We had dinner at Ing, and dessert at the 611 Supreme.

Wednesday night, summer hockey started. We lost 11-0. Bleah. The organizers weren't sure what teer to put us in, so they put us in teer 2. We think teer 2 is a bit above us, so we're going to petition to be moved to teer 3.

Oh yeah. C5 emailed me, out of the blue, and asked me out for lunch. We'll see. Lunch is Monday.

We had a beautiful Sunday. Sunny. Warm. It's days like that that make up for the 6 months of rain. Mathew and I had lunch and took a long walk along Alki Beach. We had an "us" talk, and I told him that we should just be friends. He seams to be cool with that. He wants to have dinner together this week.

I'm getting a room-mate. Cor needs a place to stay. His corporate housing is expiring at the end of May. His house in Miami hasn't sold yet. So, he's going to move into my place for a couple of months till he can buy a house here. I'm cool with this. It will be nice to have some extra cash. Plus, Cor travels for work very often, so I won't have to put up with him all the time.

Friday, afternoon I went for a long walk in the park behind my house. I slipped and fell into a bunch of Stinging Nettles. Ouch. My legs had a weird buzzing/itching sensation all evening long. Fortunatly by the next morning the sensation went a way.

Friday night, Mathew, C2, C5 & and I had dinner together. It was fun.

Mathew spent the night. We went to Snoqualmie falls on Saturday morning. On the way back from the falls, we stopped off at Krispy Kreme doughnuts. There was a line up out the door. When we were in line, they gave us fresh dougnuts to sample. There weren't more than 30 seconds old. Very very sweet. I bought half a dozen doughnuts, but I ended up giving them to my neighbours. The samples were more than enough to satisfy me.

In the afternoon, Mathew went home to do some work. Early evening, I met up with Bruce and C3. We went to a house party hosted by one of the guys he works with. It was fun. Very family though. There were 3 or 4 kids there.

I've just realized that I've become "The Man/The System" that youth rebel against, that complain we never give them a break...

I interviewed a college grad on Thursday. He was a nice guy, fairly bright but very green. Right now he's stuck in a vicious circle. He needs some experience before he can get a job, but he can't get a job because he doesn't have experience. I can't hire him. Because of the recession, many ambitious, experienced and intelligent people have also been applying. Relative to them the college grad just wasn't the best person for the job.

I guess I've offically sold my soul to the company.

Matthew slept over last night. We didn't have sex. We had dinner, watched a movie (The Maddness of King George) and went to bed. He wakes up at 5am. I wake up at about 8:30. I don't understand people who can get by on 5 or 6 hours of sleep a night. I need 8 or I feel sick and turn into a bastard.

I took it easy tonight. Worked out. Had dinner. I've got to figure out what to do with Mathew. He's a really nice man but I don't feel for him in my heart. I'd like to feel something-- he's a good catch. But, I can't date someone just because my mother would approve. I'll give it another week and see what happens.

Last night, I had dinner with Mathew again. He ended up spending the night at my place. I slept very poorly with him. He squeezes and grabs while he sleeps. It kept waking me up.

I had dinner with Mathew last night. It was good. Afterwards we saw Spiderman. I really like Mathew as a person, but he definatly isn't getting into my heart. He seems to be very shy when it comes to physicall stutf. We've had three dates and we still haven't done more than kiss goodnight. We held hands briefly in the movie. Maybe he's not that attracted to me either. On the other hand, I always get nice thank you emails from him saying that he'd like to see me again soon.

So, Saturday evening, I had a drink at C.C's and ran into some of the movie bears. I talked with H for a while. He used to be a very big man, but lately he's been losing a lot of weight. I can' tell if this is intentional or if he's HIV+. His cheeks are much more lean than the rest of him, which is never a good sign.

After C.C.'s I went to the Seawolf and watched a Cinco De Maio Drag Show. There I met Paul, a very hot man from Portland. We talked a while. He's also a really nice guy. Well, to make a long story short, Paul came back to my place. It was good.

Hmmm. I sleep with no one for months, and now two guys in two weeks.

Sunday I had lunch with Bruce and C3. Bruce's mother shattered her ankle in a car accident. Bruce's aunt was the driver of vehicle. Now there are all sorts of recriminations. The aunt has better insurance than Bruce's mother, but to get access to it, they will have to charge the aunt. Bruce is very upset over it.

After lunch Bruce went home to do some work. C3 and I took a walk along Alki Beach. It was very windy and wavey.

Later in the afternoon I saw Spiderman. It's a fine, fun movie.

In the evening, I went down to the Cuff and ran into Steven, Officer Bob and Mathew. Mathew spent the weekend in Longmire, visiting friends and doing a bit of work. After a while, Mathew and I took off for dinner at the Elysian. I have mixed feelings about Mathew. He's a very nice guy but he doesn't push my romantic or sexy buttons. Mat and I are still having dinner Monday night. I'll see how I feel then.

I benched 160lbs today. That's the most I've ever done. I've been adding 5lbs a week for the past few weeks. We'll see how far I can go.

I'm kind of bored right now. For some reason, I don't like any of the music that I have. The video games that I've been playing have lost there attraction. Also, it's cold and rainy out side. Crappy weather for hiking.

I'm trying to figure out how to be more interesting-- maybe a dangerous hobby.

Last night I had dinner with C2 and Cor. J was supposed to show up, but didn't. He always flakes out. It really annoys me when guys say "Yeah, let's get together for lunch some time!" and then you never hear from them again.

Speaking of "Never hear from them again" I ran into C5 last night. He was with his boy friend-- the boy friend he met after he asked me out on a date, and so he promptly decided to not return my calls.

Ok, I'm a little sick now-- light headed, tired and a bit nauseous. I took yesterday afternoon off and slept. I think I’m going to do the same today.

I've been really hyper lately. I've had problems focusing at work. Not sure why.

Mathew backed out on dinner tonight. He has strep throat.

My parents have sold their farm and bought a new place. They are moving over the next two weeks. That will be weird. My parents have lived on the farm for 32 years.

I had lunch with C2 today. 6 other guys were invited, but they all backed out. C2 and I are going to take a drive up to Triange Recreation Camp on Saturday. If we like it, we'll spend the night. C2 wants to drive, because I drive slow

I left work early... 5pm. Weird. When did working 9 to 5 turn into slacking off? I went on a 30 minute hike on the trail behind my house. Afterwards, I worked out, cleaned and read.

I had dinner with Steven last night. Things are going good with him. Because of our last dinner together, he and his boyfriend broke up. It was a long distance relationship. His boyfriend wasn't comfortable with Steven having dinner, alone, with another gay man, and called Steven up at 2:30 in the morning to tell him so.

Steven is enjoying his new freedom. He's going up to Victoria to see a guy that he met last weekend. He also wants to go to San Francisco for a weekend. He also hit on me. I didn't respond to his advances, so he quickly backed off. I just want to keep Steven as a friend. He's a good guy. When it comes to dating he's trouble

Mathew and I are having dinner together on Wednesday.

Random things that I wanted to remember, but didn't find a good way to put in my journal...

When I was in whitefish MT, taking a taxi back to the resort, the taxi driver was stoned. At one point when there was nothing on the road, she slammed on the breaks and then said "Sorry, I thought I saw a deer.

I’m still frustrated over Harry. Just when I think I’m getting him out of my heart he writes me or phones me and it all starts up again.

I keep forgetting to turn my BBQ off. After I grill something, I'll turn the BBQ all the way up to burn the crud of the grill. More than once I've gone to grill something the next day, but found the BBQ tank empty and the burners turned to max.

I work near a woman who sometimes dresses like an elf. She also wears necklaces and earrings that jingle. It's surreal to hear a jingling sound then look out the door and see an elf walk by.

I haven’t responded to any of the emails or phone calls sent by people I met when I was in Zimbabwe. They were nice people but trapped in poverty. There are so few opportunities for the people of Zimbabwe. When they call or write me there is always a subtext of “Can you help me leave Zimbabwe and move to the U.S.A.” I feel a bit guilty for this.

I have to manage Bruce. Bruce says he’s going to do many things, and he’ll tell people he’s going to do those things, but then at the last minute he backs out. This happens constantly. In the past two months he’s invited people to, but then canceled, three different parties. The only reason I accept this is that I know it’s going to happen. I don’t trust Bruce to follow through with anything.

I think “pedophile” is a funny sounding word. It hides the seriousness of the crime by making me snicker.

My friend M once said “I must have ate a whole forest because I’ve been dropping logs all day long.”

Bruce and I went to Portland for the weekend. We got off to a slow start. C3 couldn't make it because he had to do some camera work for his film on Saturday night.

At the last minute, Bruce had to go to a Funeral on Saturday morning, so we didn't leave till 1pm.

While Bruce was at the funderal I had breakfast with C2. C2 said he ran into Mathew on Friday night. C2 thought that Mathew was much more attracted to me, than I am to him. Mathew also said that he didn't want to rush into things and screw things up. Very good.

On the way down to Portland I got a speeding ticket. 78mph in a 60 zone. $133.00. Bleah.

In Portland, we stayed at C&J's. Their friend R was there. R is a nice guy who lives 3 hours south west of Portland. J has been trying to hook R and I up for the longest time. He's a nice guy, but he lives 6 hours away from me.

Saturday evening, we went to the Omnimax theater and saw a film about the international space station. It was the first time that R has seen an Omnimax film. After the film we went over to H's for some drinks. H is a weird mixed good man. He comes across as a screaming queen, but he's very athletic. He skii's snowboards, dives, water skiis and so on. If H isn't the center of conversation, then he becomes very showy and obnoxios. Fortuanatly, he's interesting enough that he often deserves to be the center of conversation.

Saturday night, well... R and I ended up sleeping together. He's the first guy I've slept with since December. It was nice. The next morning we talked about it. He can't move to Seattle. I can't move to Lincon City. We're going to keep in touch, but no strings.

J worked on Sunday. C took the rest of us hiking by Multinomeh Falls. It was a good hike.

Around 6pm, Bruce and I said goodbye and we headed for home.

I had a dinner date last night with Mathew. I got his number last Saturday. I went into the date with luke warm feelings and left with slightly warming feelings. It's not love at first sight. But, Mathew is a keeper. He is worth getting to know better.

Apparently Mathew has had a crush on me for a few years. Two Christmas's ago I had a straglers Christmas Dinner at my place. One of the straglers mentioned he had a shy friend who wanted to meet me. The friends nickename for me was "My big Swede"

Last night over dinner, Mathew said before he knew my name, he would refer to me as "My Big Swede."

I'm Dutch by the way.

He said he came out of the closet when he was twenty one. Then he met a great woman and was married to her for five years. That ended in a crappy divorce.

We'll see what happens.

We're going to try and get together next week. Bruce, C3 and I are going to Portland this weekend so it will be next week at the earliest before I can see him.

I had a hockey practice tonight.

Bruce came over to my place to use my computer, scanner and printer. When I returned from hockey we had a couple of martini's and we started talking...

About a month ago I showed Chris how to use the Microsoft Outlook Calendar program. To show Chris how to make appoinments, I made an joke appoinment called "Sex Party-- Bring Lube."

Last night Bruce and I had a few drinks together. So he started to talk(more than he usually does) He said he was worried something was wrong between he and Chris. Bruce was nosy and looked through Chris's computer. He found an appointment for "Sex Party-- Bring Lube". Now he didn't know what to do. He didn't want to admit to Chris that he was looking through the computer. On the other hand, he couldn't remember if he and Chris were together on the "Sex Party" day and was worried that Chris was doing something behind his back.

When Bruce told me this, I broke out laughing and told him the truth. Part of me feels sorry for scaring him. The other part of me says it serves him right for beeing nosy.

Bruce had a small emergency today. His washing machine caught on fire. He put a load in and smoke started to pour out. He paniced a bit, and called 911. No one was hurt though.

I had a lazy day. I got up at around 9:30 and played NightCaster till about 4:30pm. I finally got off my lazy butt, went on a good 45 minute hike and worked out. Then I went downtown to the Cuff. the usual crowds was there. I also saw Brian, but he didn't acknowlege me. He picked up some guy and left. Brian gets around much more than he admits to.

I also ran into L. L works down the hall from me. But, about a month ago his vanished. His manager won't say what happened to him. Well, last night I ran into L at the Cuff. We chatted for a while. He's basically burnt out. He's had a number of minor healty problems that wouldn't go away because he was pushing him self too hard. So, he's taking some time off to get things in order. I think goaded him into writing some of the people at work. We've been worried about him. It's good to know he's ok.

It's "Spring Thaw", a large Bear weekend event in Seattle. Unfortunatly most of the bears are obease. Why are there so few normal gay men. No queeny attitudes. No urges to do drag. Fairly fit. Like to do more than cruise and have sex. You'd thing that straight acting gay guys would be more common. Instead, the gay community taken men and added the least attractive parts of being a woman.

Anyways, the Cuff was packed last night. There was even a lineup to get in. D was there. I've had a crush on D for a while but he's not interested in me. He answers questions if I talk to him. But he never puts effort into talking to me.

One guy gave me his number. He's a nice guy, fairly attractive too. I'll call him up for dinner.

We had a celebration at work today. My product has sold 100 million licenses. If I only had a penny for every license. Bruce tagged along. It was ok. Half decent food. Free beer and wine.

Later on Bruce, C2 and I had dinner together at Siam's. C2 invited 3 other guys-- B, M and T.

Some filler...
1. Siam's is a small restaurant and it's hard to seat 6 people
2. C2 has sex with many guys. He's had sex with most of his friends. We know this, but don't talk about it.

About half way through dinner, C2 said "I also invited E, but I'm glad he didn't show. We wouldn't have been able to fit him."
B said "Which E?"
C2 Said "EC."
B's face dropped at that point. Then he said "How did you know E?"
It turns out that That EC. and B were dating but broke up last September. They don't get along now. One of the reasons the two broke up was that EC. was sleeping around. C2 and B were silent for a while and just staired at each other. Then B said "Ok, I need to know. When did you have sex with E?"

C2 said he had sex with E in November, after they broke up. So B let it pass. He apologized a few minutes later.

Bruce came over tongiht. C3 is still in NY working. Bruce said that he and C3 will probably move to NY in about a year. C3's career in the film industry is starting to take off. There are very few jobs in Seattle. He's been flying to NY for 2 or 3 weeks every now and then. Earning a lot of money and then flying back to Seattle to spend time with Bruce, and to try and make things work here.

I think I'll start the Barry Cohen book of the month club to fill the void left by the end of Oprah's Book of the month club. My club will be different, it will suck. I stop reading most books I buy because they are boring, or too hard to understand. Plus, I don't think I read more than 3 or 4 books a year. So, my book of the month club will feature lots of padding.

Movie bears tonight C2 and I went along. When we were in the theater, a woman noticed the us, about 20 gay bear men, and was a bit confused. She said. "You are all, well, not small. And you all have this Stepford Wife quality."

We saw Death To Smoochy. It's a good black comedy about two children's TV clowns who become involved with the mob. Considering the action reloves around childrens shows, it's a very adult film. There are lots of good quick jokes...

Security Guard; "Are you ok?"
Rainbow Randolf; "I don't know. I'm pretty fucked up anyways so it's hard to gauge."

...

Gangster; "I'll slice off his balls and shove them up his ass!"
Smoochy; "You could let the police take care of it."
Gangster; "No, the police won't do the ball thing. It's not proper procedure."

Afterwards I picked Bruce up at the airport. He enjoyed his trip to NY and Philidephia although he felt a bit uncomfortable meeting C3's family. I told him that I couldn't badge him in like he asked. He thanked me for trying and said he'd tell me why sometime over martini's.

I drove home and finished Halo on the X-Box. I'm glad it's over. It's a very well done game that didn't really click with me. I only finished it to see how the story ended.

I had a good workout last night. I'm at a weird point with my bench press. I could add more weight but I don't feel it's safe. When they push a lot of weight, they work fine for 10 or 11 reps, but then they collapse. I can do 12 reps at my current weight (150lbs) but my muscles feel like they are at the verge of collapse. I'm worried if I add any more wieght, that I'll hurt myself.

I wish I had a spotter. I'll try 155lbs for 10 reps and see how it goes.

I am also working on not thinking about Harry. Although he hasn't said it, his actions make it very clear he doesn't want me in his life. It's frustrating to want someone who doesn't want you. I wish I could switch those feelings off.

It's frustrating. I sent Harry a "It's good to see you email" on Monday, and he still hasn't replied. Maybe he's not checking his email regularly. More likely he's not interested in keeping in touch with me.

I found a good hike right behind my house. There is a large park near my house, but I rarely go there. Tonight after work I took a walk and found a 30 minute trail that goes past very few houses. It's almost as if your are in the middle of a large forest.

I got my new sofa and love seat today. They are a bit much. Everything else in the living room is noticeably not as nice as the new furiture.I have to rearrange to see what happens.

It's two years later and nothing has changed.

Both Brian and Harry were at the Cuff tonight.

Well, one thing has changed. I no longer have feelings for Brian.

Harry and I flirted and kissed a bit. He apologized for our agrument last January. I apologized too. We both blamed each other for us not talking for the past few months. He told me to call him. We'll see. I know that I have to play things very very slow.

Brian and I talked a while. He's starting to put his life back together. He told me he was very tense and couldn't trust anyone. I tried to get him to see a shrink-- that offended him. He presured me to sleep with him, but I said no.

I'm annoyed with the way my memories affect my desire to visit a place. I used to like going to Portland. That used to be Brian's and my weekend gateway. Now when I go to Portland I find myself thinking about all the arguing Brian and I did. Now I don't like Porland.

Then there is the Red Robin Restaurant in Redmond. I've only ate there twice. The first time was with Harry. We had a good time. The second time I went was after Harry and I split. I go so bumbed that I haven't gone back.

Mt. Reineer is in the same category. I want to go, but I have to drive past Harry's place to get there.

Right now, every time I find a new place I like, I want to hide it from everyone but my most trusted friends. I never want to taint it.

It's raining and gray now. I'd rather be outside than reminising about old times.

Saturday night R&J had an "Iron Chef Cooking Party" at their house. The theme was "Box Food." We all had to bring a dish to the party based on boxed food. I went to Uwajimaya, an Asian grocery, and bought some "Macaroni Gratin Quick Up White Sauce." Basically it's gorgonzola flavoured macaroni and cheese. I added some green peppers, onions and chicken to the mix. And voila... Asian box food. I ended up winning the prize for best food.

"Macaroni Gratin Quick Up White Sauce." has a very strong smell. I can still smell it in my kitchen.

Afterwards we watched the real Iron Chef on TV. It was "Giant Eel Battle."

Friday night, C2, officer Rob and I had dinner at Galerias. It was bit spendy, but still good. They were voted "Best margarita in Seattle" in 2001. It was a good dinner, but I think C2 prefers Siams.

After dinner, I headed over to the Timberline to meet a friend, R, to celibrate his birthday. I also ran into D&L from the my skii trip to Whitefish. As luck would have it D used to be R's roommate.

We chatted and got very drunk. L said everything he said that night didn't count because we were so shitfaced. He asked me "Why couldn't I have met you a year ago?" He also implied that he and D would be breaking up in the next few months. I guess he's a bit of a jerk, But, guys are jerks when they get drunk.

I've got to watch my drinking. When I left, I was so drunk, I didn't notice I was drunk. But, I was driving I noticed that I was seeing double. When I got out of my drunk I noticed that I was brushing into walls and things.

I slept in till noon.

Bruce and C3 have headed off to NYNY and Philadelphia for a week. They are going to the premiere of Emmett's Mark a film that C3 worked on.

After a dropped Bruce off (C3 left a day earlier) Bruce called me and asked a weird favour. He asked me to drive to his place, get his work badge and badge him in at work. He didn't want to say why, and told me that someday after I made him a few martini's he'd tell me. I agreed.

I told C2 about Bruce's favour. C2 said he could drive me to Bruce's place to pick up the pass. In the evening, C2 had dinner with a friend he doesn't really like, but who is his boss's boss. He used me as an execuse to get away from dinner at an early hour.

We drove to Bruce's place but we couldn't get the badge. Bruce said the badge was in his truck, but his truck was locked and we couldn't find the key.

So, C2 and I went to the Cuff and drank some beer.

What a lame story.

Movie bears night Wednesdaynight. C2 and I went together. We saw Big Trouble. Not bad. Not great.

Afterwards we ran up to the Cuff. Talked to officer Rob and a few of the guys.

Office Rob has took out an online personal ad. He said he took it out as more of an experiment than anything. He was only getting sex requests. The ad started off with a regular photo of him. Later on he switched it to a photo of him in uniform. When he did so he got many more replies.

Today C2 found the ad and showed it to me. No wonder he's only getting sex requests...

Ideal First Date: A Happy Meal and the dirty deed
Sexual Interests: One-on-One, Three-Way, Groups/Parties/Orgies, Friends with benefits
I'll Jump in the sack: First date

I'm trying to think of a funny "Happy Meal" line to say the next time I see him.

Tuesday night I had dinner with Steven. I had a few dates with Steven a bit over a year ago. This wasn't a date, just a dinner. Both of us are career oriented guys trying to meet good and interesting people and having a tough go of it.

I respect Steven. He get's out there and does things and he's a more interesting person for it. I want to become more like that. So, this summer I'm going to drop out of the scene and do a lot of camping and touring

We've decided to have dinners together more or less weekly. It will be hit or miss because he travels a lot for work.

Now that there is more sun in the evenings, I have much more energy. Monday night I cooked, cleaned, did laundry and then went out and saw a the 10pm showing of Amelie

I stayed in Friday night. Very rare for me.

Sat morning I had breakfast with C2. Nothing exciting there.

For lunch I went over to Bruce's. C3 had to leave for Monroe to do some more work on his film. Bruce and I had a martini lunch.

After lunch we hiked along Shilshole bay. While we were there, a windsurfer collapsed from exhuastion & hypothermia. A few kayakers had to haul him back to land. Bruce and I hung around and watched the EMT's and the Firemen. A few of them were cute.

I went to P's birthday part in the evening. Bruce and I work with P. P and his partner have an open relationship and are part of the sleep set (I slept with him, and him, and him....) Definatly not my thing. There were a number of players there. I got several pickup lines like "Hey my boyfriend is out of town, would you like to...."

When I said goodbye to P, I interupted a scene. A number of guys quickly zipped up when i walked into the room. As I walked out I said "Hey, remember when your mom said 'Don't put that in your mouth! You don't know where it's been.'" Then I waved goodbye.

Played hockey tonight. We lost 6-1. So, it's the end of the season.

A friend of a friend is going through a very hard time right now. She was dating Kam. Two weeks ago Kam amicably ended it with her. Shortly afterwards she was laid off from work. Then someone decided to sue her for some copyrighted photos she used on her personal web site. I hope things work out for her.

Ryan is starting up a new company. Things are going slowly. It's taking weeks to get the lease for the office space signed. On top of that it will be over a month before they can get high speed internet connectivity to the office. Ryan is frustrated with the slow pace of everything. It's slowing them down from doing real work.

Today at work, I was re-orged. My manager and one guy on the team are leaving for a different team. Another guy on my team is new manager. This will be interesting. Last January they asked every one on our team who was interested in managing. I, and the other senior dev both said no. We wanted to stay technical. The only guy who wanted to manage is just 3 years out of college-- now he's the manager.

It should be ok. At my level, I decide what to do and use my manager for policital clout when I need help from other teams. So, a change in management shouldn't affect my day to day job.

It was sunny and beautiful today. I could smell and feel the difference in the air.

In the evening I saw the Panic Room with the movie bears. It is a good thriller.

Afterwards i went to the Cuff. Bruce and Chris dropped by so we chatted for a while. I also ran into officer Rob. It was a good night.

Brian's best friend was there. We talked about Brian for a while. The friend was invited to a party. On the invitation he was asked to not invite Brian.

Brian will be back from Florida next week.

Work is still stressfull. I'm having some focus problems. As part of our security review, for four hours a day, every day, my team has been reviewing computer code. Today, for a few minutes I was unable to focus on the code. I had to stand back, blink a bit, talk a walk around and get some more coffee.

I had a fun social day today. Some friends from my hockey team invited me over for Easter bruch. We had a good time. I haven't really talked to this group of people in months. I like them, and I need to put an effort into spending more time with them.

In the afternoon we played video games with each other. Mostly Dead Or Alive 3 a fighting game where many scantily clad, large breasted women duke it out.

Afterwards we saw E.T. together. It's weird how the movie has changed now that I've grown up. When I was a kid, I remember thinking that the scientists were mean and nasty-- bad guys. Twenty years later they look like compasionate people who wanted to save E.T. and reacted to the situation with common sense.

We drove to the theater in a '72 Cadillac nicknamed "Big Green." It was tight, but we managed to fit all seven of us in Big Green. They don't make cars like they used to.

In the evening I had dinner with B&C at the Elysian. C is in the middle of editing his film. It's taking up a lot of his time. Bruce is still unpacking from when he moved in two months ago.