My mother-in-law has bought a new dog. From what I understand, it will be a four-pound Shih Tzu. My husband and mother-in-law will pick it up at the airport this afternoon.

When my mother-in-law first mentioned she was purchasing a dog, I saw my husband try to hide his emotions. He forced his face to look neutral. My mother-in-law has owned several Shih Tzus over the years. Historically, instead of training the dogs to relieve themselves outdoors, she has let them use pee-pads indoors. The smell in her previous home was terrible. Neither of us have fond memories of them.

My mother-in-law is an 85-year-old woman who lives alone. She has friends at her retirement home, but like others in their 80s, they are passing away. If a dog will bring her some happiness, then let it be.

Work appears to be calming down. It's all over except for the slide decks.

The husband and I continue our house hunt. We've been arguing about it a little. He says he wants to visit open houses for fun. But when we are actually looking at a particular house, I get this feeling that he is ready to leap, to sell our house and start something new.

I think he would say that our retirement is coming up, that he wants to be prepared, and that I am passive-aggressively dragging my feet.

What does my transition to retirement look like? In my fantasy world, I get a job with less stress. My husband is looking for something similar. He is uncomfortable retiring before I do. I've encouraged him to retire before I do, but it's very important to him that we are on equal financial footing.

We had dinner with SB last night. He seems to be in good spirits. SB has problems speaking loudly for longer stretches, so a friend shared more details. SB has been assessed by a psychologist and a 2nd doctor and qualifies for the assisted suicide. Sometime in the near future, SB, SB's daughter and another friend will travel somewhere for the actual process.

Allan and Even have bought a new home. They have moved a little farther away from Seattle. It's a nice home and not far away from the water. It is in the flight path the SeaTac Airport. Outside there is jet noise every few minutes. Inside, with the windows closed, it is pleasant.

Their move has renewed my husband's and I discussion about our next home. I've been able to put off thinking about our next home. The husband has not. He still regularly searches through the apps for great houses.

We both agree that moving where in SeaTac's flight path, while very affordable, is not something we want. 

I try to limit this blog to my personal experiences, but sometimes outside stories creep in.

SB - I've known SB for years through my husband and the rooms of AA. He is in his eighties and has a few health problems - Parkinson's and Multiple Sclerosis. A few days ago, my husband was invited to a Celebration of Life Party for SB. Of course, we assumed that SB had passed away. My husband brought this up with a friend. The friend corrected him - SB is still alive but is choosing medically assisted suicide. The Celebration of Life will be his sendoff.

This sets off all sorts of emotions in me. I don't think I could make this choice. But having watched my mother slowly decline and die, there is something to respect about choosing how you die when your future is a certain decline.

These past two week at work have been stressful. We've had a bunch of service emergencies. The emergency has quieted down. Now the executives are digging in and trying to understand what went wrong. Fortunately, so far my team is unscathed. The fingers are being pointed at a partner org who has failed to execute. 

I feel little like I'm whistling past the graveyard. My org has plenty of its own challenges. 

Roderick Asks: What Is a Vibrant Gay Community?

The succinct answer is that a vibrant gay community is a place where I don’t find myself complaining about my surroundings.

We seek a community where we can stroll to restaurants and shops, and where we have a few gay neighbors. Currently, we reside in an extremely suburban neighborhood, teeming with families and school-age children.

Deciphering my husband’s priorities is a challenge. His desire to be free of our mortgage is clear. Beyond that, he grapples with the ensuing trade-offs. If we purchase a house outright, the budget we’ll need necessitates a significant lifestyle adjustment. Not necessarily a negative change, but certainly a shift.

Wishing everyone a joyful Easter! On Sunday, we hosted an Easter brunch for my mother-in-law and a few friends.

We have paused our search for a new home. My husband sensed my hesitation. We had a good discussion as a result.

I think he was a little miffed at me for encouraging him yet not being all in.

It has cleared up a lot of what we need to settle on before retirement-- how much we want to have in investments, where we want to live, what our commute can be like while we are still working.

I am also comforted that, with very little searching, we found three great houses. If they are that common now, we will find them again in five years. 

Roderick commented...

Do you really want to be compelled to drive - one day each week - for THREE HOURS in all types of weather in the years remaining until your retirement? Are the house itself and its location attractive enough to justify so doing? Roderick

Agreed. On that front, we've spotted a condo closer to home that could be a nice "forever home." It meets many of the requirements-- a great walk-able location with a view, we can buy it without a mortgage, and the commute isn't too bad.

It's much smaller than our current house, so we would need to greatly downsize. It's also not an ideal condo for guests to have an extended stay as the second bedroom is small. Maybe that's OK. We generally don't have many guests.

It's also less of an investment and more of a luxury. That doesn't overly concern my husband, but it is something I keep in mind.

Something I've learned about myself through our property hunt is that financial security is probably the thing that drives me the most. Usually, it manifests itself in healthy ways-- we never have credit card debt, and we invest much of our paychecks.

There is an unhealthy side to this-- being cheap to the point of negligence, being cheap and not frugal. This is common in my family. I have relatives, including my father, who brag that they live on less than $40K a year. I know I'll receive a certain amount of blowback from these relatives for acting better than them, for not living a simple, humble life, for not donating my money to causes important to them.

Most of my relatives would likely be happy for me.

And maybe I shouldn't care about the judgements of either.

My father is going to drive the school bus again. He drove the school bus for years after his retirement but stepped away from it about six months ago to take care of mom. His bus driver's license subsequently lapsed. When we were talking today, he told me he had passed his test and would start driving again next week. His old employer was grateful to have him back.

It's been four years since the start of COVID-19 and quarantine-in-place orders. Four years since my frequent gazing out the window revealed a Rufous hummingbird that was dominating our backyard.

The Rufous hummingbird is back, though I can't say with certainty that it's the same one migrating back to our yard every year. 

As always, he is way more territorial than the other hummingbirds in the area. When I'm outside, I frequently hear him dive-bombing and chirping at other birds.

What a gorgeous day! I went on a hike with some old friends earlier. Even though we brought jackets just in case, a t-shirt was all that was necessary thanks to the beautiful warm weather.

For some time now, my husband and I have been keeping an eye on real estate listings in various areas around the Pacific Northwest. These could potentially be our future retirement home. We love our current house, but it's simply too large for just the two of us. We'd also prefer to live closer to a vibrant gay community and be within walking distance of shops and restaurants. Additionally, Seattle real estate has become quite pricey. By relocating elsewhere, we could pay off our mortgage entirely and still afford a wonderful home.

This past Saturday, a very nice property popped up on the market west of Puget Sound that ticked many of the boxes for both of us. My husband was quite excited about it and reached out to a real estate agent right away. As expected, the agent asked the obvious financial questions - are we truly ready to make such a move?

The property is about a 90-minute drive from where I currently work. Now, while I only commute to the office once a week these days, I find myself hesitating. Is this the right timing for such a life transition? It's an odd feeling, but I'm just not quite ready to pull that trigger yet. My husband and I have had some good conversations unpacking these thoughts. When will we both feel prepared to take that next step? Only time will tell.




Let me know if you'd like me to modify or expand anything in this combined draft blog post.

One month

​This past week marked the one-month anniversary of mom's death. We called dad that night. It was somber, yet also optimistic that every week gets a little better.

I was cleaning up my notes this morning, and I found the list of hymns that we sang at mom's funeral. I'm recording it here for my own personal reference:

Amazing Grace Great is Thy Faithfulness The Lord is My Shepherd Abide with Me

A few days before mom‘s passing, our minister and his wife were over to visit. They sang the Lord is my shepherd together. I don’t consider myself an active Christian, but listening to them sing was one of the most beautiful moments of my life.

Oahu

My husband and I are spending a week in Hawaii. He has business to attend to, while I am working remote. Naturally, my brothers tease me a bit during our conversations. “But I am working here,” I insist.

“Why don’t you work from Dads home? It’s only -2 degrees.”

They do have a point.

My husband has decided to retire from his job. It's been a long, tough decision. I don't think he's going to retire-retire. He's frustrated with his current manager and sees no way out. Retiring offers more benefits than quitting, so he's filed to retire in a few months but plans to use some of that time to look for another job afterward.

Friday Update... My husband's VP reached out to him and found a better role for him away from his current manager.