Went to the Cuff last night. It was a dissapointing night. A while back, I met this nice guy. At the time he worked at a quarry. I gave him my number, he told me I was cute, but he never called me.

Well, I ran into him again last night. He said he quit his job at the quarry, and is now a truck driver. He also said he has a boyfriend and that he lost my number. But, he wanted to have my number again. I told him I didn't want him to call me, and that he should track me down when he was single.

Ran into M and we talked a while. M introduced me to a friend of his. The friend is cute, and gave me his number. I'm not sure I'm going to call though. It was weird talking to him. The friend was always trying to psycho analyze things and act like he was smart. It wasn't very impressive.

Skipped softball last night because of my shoulder. Although, I did go to hockey pratice this morning. Hockey is much easier on the shoulders than softball, although I did make one or two plays that hurt.

Driving Bruce to his angiogram was a big pain. I drove him to the hospital, but reception couldn't figure out where he was supposed to go. So, we waited around for 20 minutes while they called half a dozen different places. Finally, we found out he had to go up two floors. So, I dropped him off, we said goodbys and I left. As I was just about to hit the freeway, Bruce called me on the cell. The hostpital overbooked and couldn't take him. I turned around and picked him up. We had lunch at the Phildelphia Hogie place on Madison, then I drove Bruce home, and I drove back to work. A great way to waste two and a half hours.

Afterwork, I watched the Hockey game with Ryan and Jen at the 8th St Bar and Grill. It was game 6. Colorado won over Jersey, 4-0. So, it's on to game 7, Saturday night at R&J's place.

I installed the shower head that Brian gave me.

Went over to Brians last night. He bought me a new showerhead. One time, when I was showering over at a friend of his, I commented how nice his friends shower head was. The shower head is about 8 inches in diameter and full of holes. So, last week when he was in a hardware store, he ran accross one. So he bought it for me. It told me that the gift didn't mean anything. I hope so. He wants to do something together this weekend, but I told him I was busy.

I start physio on my shoulder next Tuesday.

Bruce has his angiogram today. I'm driving him downtown.

Just farting around tonight. Played Black and White for 90 minutes. Ate dinner-- leftovers.

Planning my trip to L.A. It's L.A's pride weekend. Andy is planning a pride party.

At work I've got an interesting design project ahead of me-- it's an important part of how to make our software scale to millions of users. My problems are half technical, and half political. I have to convince people that I'm not smoking crack, and that the changes are all good.

I'm on the phone with Brian. He wants to sleep here again. He slept here last night. I want him to stay away. He's also going on about his new job, his lawsuite against his old employer, and his sisters new boyfriend. Mostly I'm just agreeing and saying "yeah"

At his new job his a forman. He's earning bigger bucks now-- $125,000. I think the reason he earns so much is that he doesn't take no for an answer. He keeps at you till he gets what he wants.

He's got a big law suit going against his old employer. He's going for blood. He's suing for $15,000,000.00 He's doing it for spite, just as much as for money. I don't know how much he'll actually get. The old company fired him when he was in jail (for a couple DWI's). He was in jail on work release. The company said that Brian couldn't work the required over time, but he has a letter from Washington State Corrections saying that any time the company asked then Brian would be released to work.

I talked Brian out of sleeping here tonight. I told him my shoulder is still very sore, and I just want to sleep alone, which is true. If I don't give a good reason why we shouldn't sleep together, he doesn't let up.

Talked to Harry today. Nothing much new in his life.

Talked to Gord and Jen today. Their house renovations are almost complete. They've gone through 3 bathroom sinks because they can't find one that fits.

Didn't do much Saturday afternoon. It rained so I didn't go kayaking. Instead, I watched Contact and played Black and White. I also bought groceries.

Now, my HR guy, at work, is kind of cute, and we always nod hello to each other. He was by himself at the supermarket. (and we nodded hello to each other) I'm going to walk buy his office and try and figure out if he's gay. I haven't been close enough to him to see if he's got a ring on his finger.

In the evening, I drove downtown, and had dinner with Bruce at the Satelite Grill. After dinner I had a bottle of Calestoga a C.C's. Then I drove home. I was fairly tired, and not in the mood for the scene. On my way home, I let out two or three frustration screams. I just yell at the top of my lungs for a few seconds. I want to feel something for someone so badly. Just a little bit of pasion. It doesn't have to be mind blowing love, just something more than "He's nice, I'd do him."

Slept in late, till about 9:30am. Called my parents, and talked to my brother. I also called Gord & Jen.

It rained overnight, but softball is still on for this afternoon

I got another letter from Tommy. He's been reading my journal. He said I lead a fairly interesting life. Which is odd, because I've been thinking that I've got to go out and do more. I don't want to grow old cursing myself for not doing things when I was young.

Friday night I went out. Harry wasn't there. Weirdly enough last night was the first night I didn't miss him. When I left the Cuff I didn't frustration scream.

Bruce was there. He had his boots done by the boot boy. It was weird. His face looked like he was getting a good BJ..

I ran into Brian. When I left, he told me to keep more door open. But, he called at 3am and told me he was too drunk, and was staying downtown. I'm glad.

Had breakfast with Bruce at Vans.

I had sex with two guys this morning. One was a guy that I've seen on and off for a while. He called me up, and asked if he could come over. The second guy was someone I met on the internet a while back.

I'm going to go kayaking this afternoon.

Oh yeah, I got a comment from someone reading my jounal...Tom Thompson. he's got a journal too... http://tommy71301.diaryland.com

The date with Roger was ok. We had dinner at Six Arms. During dinner, the lady in the booth next to us started crying. We thought she was getting dumped, but later on she started to calm down. Maybe she just had to let something out.

Roger is nice, but I'm not going to fall in love with him. He's fairly queeny when you get to know him. Plus, he doesn't seem to do anything other than work and hang around. He doesn't own a car either. He changes jobs, and moves apartments about once a year-- very different than me.

Harry mentioned that he and his boyfriend might be out tonight; probably the Cuff. I'll try and track them down.

Softball practice was canceled this evening.

Bruce just called. Next week he is having an angiogram.

Tuesday I had dinner at Brian's. I slept there too. He asks me why I never call him. I avoid answering. I wish he would clue in. The 2nd last time I refused to sleep with him he threatened me and put his fist through my wall. That last time I refused, he told me that pay back was going to be a bitch. Either I get a restraining order to keep him away from me, or I put up with him. With his legal problems right now, the last thing he needs is a restraining order.

Roger is back from vacation. We talked Tuesday Evening and decided to have dinner on Thursday.

Now, I've got to grow up. I've been missing one ex & sleeping with the other. I hope things work out between Roger and I. On the phone it was hard talking to him. We'll see how things go on Thursday.

I've cut back on my work outs this week. My right shoulder is hurting, so I'm going to let it heel before I push it. I'm still cycling.

Thursday evening I had beer with Bruce at the Workshop.

Friday, Bruce, F and I went to costco and bought food for the BBQ I threw on Saturday. Spent about $200 bucks on burgers, chick brests, beer, liquor buns. Later on we went to Bruce's place and watch Dark City.

Saturday I cleaned up my house and bought the last of the stuff for the BBQ. People started showing up at about 6:30pm. About half of my softball team came, plus a couple of F's friends that I met before, plus Ryan, Jen, Jason, Peg, Tom, Joy, L and Davit.

My softball coach, Bobby, volunteered to do most of the BBQing. I owe him big thanks for that.

Bruce and F gave me a DVD player as a present. Ryan, Jen and L gave me gift cirticates for DVD's. I have to thank them big time.

Most of the people left by 11:30. At about midnight, another guy, Jas, from my softball team showed up. Bruce, Chris, Brian, Bob and Jas and I watched "This Hour has 22 Minutes" untill about 1am. Then most of the guys left. Bruce, Jas and I cleaned up, and then Bruce left. Jas and I had sex. I probably shouldn't have done it, but I was drunk, and he was working me.

Sunday, Bruce and F came over. We finished cleaning up, and I cooked them lunch. We watched the BMW films, and then they left. I went to softball practice. After practice, I had dinner at CC's and then went to the Cuff. The rest of my softball team showed up at the Cuff at about 10pm. I stayed till 11:30, and then went home. It was packed. I don't think anything is going to happen between Jas and I.

I slept in Monday morning. Played Black and white till 1pm. Went to target and bought a couple of DVD's; Contact, and The Iron Giant.. Went to another Softball practice. Bruce showed up for this one. Afterwards, Bruce, Bob, Jas and I went to Changes for a couple pitures of beer. Then, Bruce and I left for the Eleisan, had dinner and more beer there.

Bruce and I drove back to my place. He had to burn a couple of CD's on my computer. At about 11pm Brian called up, and invited him self over.

Wednesday, I talked to Harry. At lunch, at the cafeteria, I ran into his boyfriend Frank. We mumbled a few words to each other. Later on, he email me asking if I wanted to have lunch. I waited till today today, and then replied saying yes, I could have lunch, just schedule me in.

Wednesday evening, I went over to Brians for dinner.

Friday night I went out to C.C's. I was supposed to meet Bruce there, but he didn't show up. He's still to tired from his surgery.

Friday morning I had breakfast with Bruce at Van's. Afterwards we went to Home Depot-- I needed some rope for the kayak. The pain killers are affecting bruce in a sort of weird way. He's not acting stoned, but he is bullshitting much more. He is also acting more insecure. He talked to a guy about buying a BBQ. He went on about how after kayaking he might have 6 or 7 guys over at his place wanting to eat. Well, that's bull shit. He's kayaked less often than I have. He's never had more the 2 guys over to his place.

Then as we were waiting in the check-out line, he remeber that we needed a 2-inch hole saw for my drill. So, I went back and got one. When I came back so quckly, he was supprized. He asked me if I sure I knew what I was doing. He wanted me to go back, and to run it by a sales guy. I told him no. It was a $3 drill bit. I didn't need advice.

Now, the reason I bought the hole saw is that Bruce needs some holes drilled in a entertainment center of his. When I tried to give him my drill, and the hole saw, he came up with all kinds of reasons why he couldn't do it and told me that I had to come over and do it for him. That was kind of weird.

Saturday evening I went out the the Cuff, and met up with Bruce. He bought a pitcher for us, but I only had one glass from it. The Cuff was fairly crowded, I talked to a few guys, but nothing happened. I really don't enjoy talking to strangers. There are probably many nice guys out there that I'm just not going to meet, because I don't like talking to someone that I don't know.

Sunday I played softball. We lost the first game 30 to 28. We won the second game 22 to 4. These games are strange. poor defense slugfests.

Sunday evening, the softball team went to R Place. It was my birthday, so the guys bought me a lot of beer. At about 9pm we went to the 611 Supreme for dinner. We went back to R Place afterwards. I met a room mate of one the guys on my team; his name is Roger. He seams to be a nice guy. I gave him my number and we kissed a bit. He called me back Monday evening, but I was away from home.

Monday evening, I played hockey. We won 8 to 5. It was mixed. I didn't play my best. Some of the guys from the softball team showed up to cheer us on.

Tuesday morning I called Harry to say hi. Got his answering machine. If something is going to happen between Roger and I, I have to stop thinking about Harry, otherwise it will ruin things. On the other hand, I've dated many guys once, but then nothing happened. Roger could end up like that as well.

Tuesday I brought Bruce in for sinus surgery. I dropped him off at about 9am, and picked him up at 12:30. He's ok, a bit tired. He has to take lots of pain killers.

Spent wednesday night at Brian's. I know I shouldn't, but it's easier than telling him no.

Monday, back to work. Played hockey monday night. We lost 6-5. Our goalie is very weak. We need a new one badly. We can't trust her at all, if they shoot on the corners, it goes in.

Thursday, I went out for beers with the gang from work.

Friday, work had a BBQ, later on I went downtown to the RPlace, and the Eagle.

Saturday, I bought a Kayak!. Bruce and I had breakfast. ran a couple of errands, and then decided to go to Pacific water sports. When we got to PWS, we weren't too impressed. They just moved stores, and everything was disorganized. We looked around a bit, and then left. We drove down to a work wear place in Kent, and bought some jeans and shorts. On the way back, we saw this little kayak/canoe store by the road. When we drove it, it was closed, but a lady, Kim, inside saw us, and opened the place for us. It turned out that the store was the Easy Rider Kayak factory. Kim was a very good sales woman. I saw this little fiber glass kayak that I liked, and Kim told me it was $900.00 Other fiber class Kayak's I've seen, start at $2000.00, so I asked here why this was so inexpensive. She told me that I wouldn't be getting a full control rudder. That the kayak didn't have bulkheads, and that it needed $60.00 for front and rear floats. I mulled about it for a while, and then bought it. I was expecting to pay about $1000.00 for plastic, so $900 for fiber glass was great. I don't really need the bulkheads. The full rudder might be nice, but I can do without it.

Sunay, I played softball. 3 games. First game, I got softball right in my lower jaw. It was a pop up. I went to get it, but didn't call it. The other fielder ran into me, and the ball hit my jaw. My lip is fairly badly cut. It's not bleading any more, but for a few days, eating is going to be challenging. I at out the rest of the 1st and 2nd games. We won the first game, and the second game. We lost the third 19-18. It was a close game.

Monday evening I cleaned up. I also worked out. My biceps are comming along. I can now do 3 reps with two 50lbs dumb bells before I have to switch back to the 35lbs bell. It wasn't too long ago that 35lbs was taxing.

Tuesday evening we had a hockey practice. We're going to have an OK summer team. The only real problem is that we have a new woman who wants to be a goalie. Unfortunatly, she is very weak. Ryan and Jason are playing this summer. I drove Ryan to the arena and we chatted about work. He's been promoted to dev lead at his new project. I'm happy for him. I have to spend more time with Ryan. He's mostly a good constructive person.

Wednesday, Bruce wrote me, and told me that he and F. have broke up. They are fighting too much. Bruce and I are going out for beer tonight to talk about it. I hope he doesn't make a pass at me.

Much to Bruce's happyness, PS has asked that L not show up at PS anymore. L wasn't doing enough work.

I've been thinking a lot about Harry lately. I don't feel bad about him any more, but I still miss him.

Friday, Mark called. He said he's going to be out of town on Business for a couple of months. He told me he wanted to call me and keep in touch. We'll see. I think that he just doesn't want to date me.

So, I was out at the Cuff friday night, and I ran into Terry, the lawyer. Last summer I met Terry and wanted to date him, but I was seeing Harry at the time. I messed around with Terry, and told him I was single, but he found out I was dating. I apologized for being a jerk. He said he respected that.

By the time I ended things with Harry, and tracked Terry down, he was dating someone else.

While Terry and I were talking, he mentioned that he's been single for the past 3 months. I was, I don't know, regretful, when I heard that. We talked a bit more and then went our separate ways. Later on, I tracked him down, and said "Ok, I'm thick. One question, yes or no. Do I have a shot at dating you?" He paused a minute and then told me that he didn't want to date anyone right now, that he needed some time to figure
out why he fell for the last guy.

Sigh. Part of me thinks that story was a glorified "no". Part of me is now plotting to try and go out with Terry.

Saturday, Bruce, F and I went kayaking; sort of. We rented kayaking, but something happened between Bruce, F and the salesman. While I was waiting by the creek, F came up to me and told me that Bruce wasn't going anymore. Bruce had exploded, and was leaving. I went to try and talk to Bruce, but he was speeding out of the parking lot by the time I got there.

F and I kayak'd up to Marymoor, and then back. He bitched to me about Bruce. Apparently Bruce has done this several times, and he doesn't know how to handle it. Hopefully Bruce's mood will improve after he's had surgery. Bruce told me he rarely gets more than 4 or 5 hours of sleep a night because of his apnea.

Saturday night, I went out to the SeaWolf, and the Eagle. Didn't meet anyone interesting.

Sunday I played softball. We lost our first game. 7-5. It served us right. In the 'D' level, we have become the team to beat. Not that that means very much, because hey, it's D level. The first team was so intimidated by us, that they ran 2 extra practices the previous week. Too many of our players were getting unjustifiably cocky. Loosing is just the kick in the pants we need.

We won the second game 14-6

After the game, almost all the softball players went to the Cuff. I talked to a couple of guys who seemed nice, but I didn't bother exchanging numbers. I also ran into a guy who knows Harry and his new boyfriend. He really ran Harry down, called him a gold digger, and tried to prove it to me. He said he suspected Harry left me because I wasn't giving him enough money. I told him we broke up for other reasons. This guy was not a good man. Harry is not a gold digger. Now that I think about it, I've never heard this guy say anything good about anyone. I'll put him on my people to keep half an eye on.

I don't really like my softball team. Several teammates are bitchy queens. We went out for dinner Sunday evening, and they trashed everyone and anyone. They always start off with a small compliment about someone, and then they proceed to run him into the ground.

After diner, I went to Bruce's place. We watched "Further Tails of the City" It's really cheap drama. I didn't really like it. F said that most of it would be lost on me because I missed the first 12 hours. He's probably right.

Harry and I talked today. He said things were going well with his new boyfriend. He told me that I was a good man and that I'd eventually find someone. I told him he had a big heart.

Wow, reading over this, I sound like a bitch queen.

Talked to Bruce. Bruce and F faught last night. F wanted to watch Survior, but Bruce had tickets to a concert. So, Bruce went alone, later on F called Bruce to justify his actions. They faught. Bruce went out drinking, and closed down the Seawolf.

I'm kind of worried about Bruce's drinking. He drinks more than I do, and I drink a lot. He's having problems sleeping right now, he's going in for nose sugery on the 15th.

Tonight afterwork we are having a pitcher of beer, or maybe two. I'm going to try and keep it to one.

Still playing B&W. I'm on the second island.

Harry called yesterday. I got kind of nervious when I talked to him. Harry called me for a friend who wanted to know about MP3s and making CD's. He also told me that I could call him any time I want. I'm hoping that he really wanted to talk to me, and that he used this as an excuse to ring me up.

I had lunch with Mark today. He's nice guy, but a bit irratic. One minute he's all happy and tough acting, the next he's kind of depressed. He seams to have a lot of buttons. We were walking under scaffolding when he got all panicy. He told me that he knew how scaffolding was put together, and that it's always unsafe. So, he walked away from the scaffolding, and told me to do the same.

I'm not sure what I want to do with Mark. If a get to know him better, I'm going to have to get to know his kids (He has custody of them) It will be very hard to have any intimate time with him.

After lunch, we talked a while. He really wanted me to go back to Bainbridge with him. I told him no. I had to go back to work. We kissed good bye and drove away. One minute later, he called me and told me he wanted to kiss me again. He asked me to pull over so he could do so. Of course I did.

So, I'm playing Black And White very often. Sometimes I sit down for just 30 minutes, and then all of a sudden an hour has gone bye.

Bruce and I went out for beer and pool last night. Whenever we do that, we end up finishing off two pitchers. I have to slow him down. One pitcher of beer between the two of us is plenty. Especially on a work night.

Mark has called me 3 or 4 times over the past two days. We are getting together for lunch on Thursday. He asked me if I could fall for a guy with kids. I told him I'd have to get to know the guy better.

Andy wrote me. He just got back from New Orleans. Sounds like he had a blast there. Both nights, he had sex with strippers in bar storage rooms.

My weekend was much less sexy. Saturday I had two dates. There were just "let's have lunch, and get to know each other better" dates. No sex in either case. I met one guy through softball, the other through the internet. I already wrote about the lunch with the Softball guy. The other guy, Garry, is a late bloomer. He's 32yo, and has worked as a checkout clerk at safeway since he graduated from highschool. He doesn't do much of anything, but it sounds like he's starting to try and develop a life. He said that in the last year, he's lost 75lbs.

Sunday, softball was rained out. I rented a kayak, and went kayaking on Lake Washington. They are really tippy. It doesn't help that I'm 6'6''.

Sunday evening, I went to the Cuff beer bust, and met an extreamly perceptive man, Mark. Bruce, Brian, Mark and I were talking. Mark ended up cold-calling the state of Bruce&F's relationship with frightening accuracy.

Later on, I tried to give Mark my number, but he loudly refused. When I left the, he followed me out. He told me that he really wanted to accept my number, but that he was afraid of Brian. He said he saw two things in Brian. One was that Brian was violent. The other was that Brian looked at me like he was begging me to love him.

Mark and I ended up going to CC's eating and talking a bit. He's a big worry wart. He made sure I stopped drinking alcohol before I drove home. He was concerned that I didn't park right next to the Cuff (I parked 2 blocks away) so, he insisted on driving me to my truck. Then, when I got home, called to make sure that I was safe.

He lives in Bainbridge, and has two sons. I think the big city (If you can call Seattle a big city) scares him a bit.

He called again at 7am in the morning, just to say hi. I almost called him Brian, because their voices are kind of the same. I hope he doesn't start obsessing over me. On the other hand, I kind of like him. We'll see.

Didn't do much Wednesday Evening.

Thursday, I went out with the guys for work. We had beer and dinner at Red Robin. Bruce called me up later, and said he was downtown at CC's. So, at about 8pm, I met up with him there. He said he got in to a fight with F.

Brian was at CC's. We talked for a while. He unsulted Bruce a bit, so I got ticked off with him. He clued in, and apologized.

Later on Bruce and I went to the Cuff. We ran into Biff. Biff is very attractive, infact he is one of the few guys that both Andy and I are attracted too, but Biff never talked either of us very much. But, Biff was interested in Bruce, and he gave Bruce his email address. As we were leaving, I asked Biff if he was the dating type. He paused a minute, so I said, "no, you don't have to answer" He sort of hugged me, and whispered into my ear that he was already seeing someone.

On my way Bruce called me up and said "How the hell can I let Biff go" Apparently, a long time ago, Biff gave Bruce his phone number, but Bruce had work visa problems, and had to leave the U.S. for a few months.

Now Bruce's faith in his relationship with F is being tested.

Friday, Ryan and I had lunch.

Friday evening, Bruce and I played pool at the Workshop. I left early for Softball practice. After the practice, our sponser bar, kept bringing us free pitchers of beer. After beer, the team went out for pizza, but I took off. They're too twinky. They're ok guys, but I don't want them to be my social life.

Later on, I went to the Seawolf and met a nice guy, Bill. He was fairly drunk. Bill looks a lot like Harry, so I kept thinking about Harry. That bugs me. I need to forget about Harry. It's slowing me down. I'm not sure about Bill. He manages some kind of shoe distribution company. Selling and promoting shoes was almost the only thing he talked about.

Saturday morning, I had a lunch date with a guy from my softball league. It was ok. I might have dinner with him again, but he's not the kind of guy that get's me excited.

I've started playing black and white. I keep getting lost. It's well done, but failrly hard to play.

Thursday Bruce and I went out for Drinks and Pool at the Workshop. Bruce wants to start a moving busness, just so that he can say he does something blue coller. We both want to be normal straight acting guys, but eyebrow's always go up when we say we're software design engineers.

Friday afterwork, Bruce and I played pool at the Workshop. There were a few cute guys there. I wish the more straight acting guys would go to gay bars. Later, I left for softball practice. After practice, the team went to Changes. I had one beer and a small plate of fries that cost $2.50. I guess they only serve food to get the liquor license. Afterwards I left for the Cuff. I had a bottle of water, and then went home. It was bear weekend, so there were lots of guys up from Portland.

Saturday, Bruce and I worked at positive solutions all day. We reinstalled some of their servers, and tried to install a firewall/proxy server. The firewall didn't work out, so we had to back off. In the evening, we had dinner with F and a friend of F's at Siam. Then F went out for a movie, and Bruce went home. I went out for a drink at the Cuff. I ran into Brian there. He's out of jail now. He was pissed off that I never called him while he was away. I told him that I didn't know what else to do, and that I didn't want him to think about me.

We talked a while. He's going through a hard time right now. He couldn't work the proper hours while he was in jail, so he lost his job. He's fighting that right now. Things might be good. 3 law firms have called him up, asking to represent him. Currently, he's working at a Target. He lucked out and got a managment position.

Brian told me that his bunkmate in jail was very fat, and smelt bad. One day, they were running dogs through the prison, sniffing for drugs. When the dog's sniffed bunkmate's locker, they ran out of the cell.

He also said that he met many people that he doesn't want to have anything to do with. He was first supposed to go to a white-collar prison, but due to his job hours, they tranferred him to a prison for long-term offenders who were being re-integrated into society. He told me that he met a guy who is in his 40's, but just got his first paycheck ever.

Aparently they hated him in the prision. There were also rumours that he was an undercover cop. I can see why the guys would hate Brian. He's a real go-getter, who loves money. Brian doesn't have a lot of time for anyone who is poor, and is not working hard.

He only gave his phone number to three people. One of those three people is already dead; drug overdose in a hotel room.

Brian spent the night at my place. The next morning, we went out and had breakfast with F and Bruce. F mentioned that Brian looks a lot like Harry. I guess I've got a type.

Sunday afternoon was softball. We won both of our games. The first game was a cake walk. I felt bad for the other team, and started chearing for them. The second game was a bit more challenging. Their defense wasn't strong either.

Sunday evening, I went out the Cuff again. I ran into Steven. We talked a while, and told me that he'd like to stay friends, even if we didn't date. I agreed. I'm going to try and work him into my life.

Monday, back to work. Worked out Monday night.

Tuesday night, I had dinner with Andy at Elliot's Oyster House. I was a half an hour late. The traffic on the way down was killer. It was good to see him again. We talked and argued all night. I miss him. He said the same of me. Not romantically; like a good friend. In L.A. most of Andy's friends either work for him, or for his competition, so he can only act business casual around them.

After Elliot's, we went to 611 Supreme for dessert, and then the Manray for a drink.

He spent the night at my place, in the spare bedroom.

Next morning, we went to the Brown Bag Cafe for breakfast.

Work was a quiet.

I went to an orgy, after work. I met the guys on line. A few of them were married. Once am month, they rent a hotel room and have sex there. I think there were 8 guys there, including me.

Man am I desperate. I want to connect with someone so badly. I want to feel something good so badly.

Don't think very much happend on Thursday.

Friday, I went out and did a tour-de-bar. Had a few pitchers of bear with Bruce at the Workshop. Had dinner, went downtown by my self, and went to C.C's, the Seawolf, R-Place, and the Eagle. I only drank water when I was downtown. The Eagle is now charging a $2 cover, and it is keeping some of the riff-raff out. When I left, this guy was hanging around the door, trying to sell a pack of cigarettes for $2.00

Saturday was the first day of softball. We won our morning game 16 to 8. We lost our afternoon game, 15-13. It's very D level. It's fun though. ]

In the evening, I went to Ryan and Jen's for a Fry party. Brent brought over a turkey fryer, and they battered and fried many things. hot dogs, onion rings, vegetables, whatever. Later on we watched Iron Chef: eggplant battle. When I was leaving, I backed the truck over a small ledge by the side of their driveway. Thankfully, the drop wasn't too far, and Brent managed to pull me out.

Sunday morning, I had breakfast with Bruce and F. Bruce and Caz got into some kind of arguement over P.S. and they aren't talking now. Bruce has sleep apnea, and hasn't been sleeping well lately. He's getting a machine that will help him, but till then, he's acting cranky, and tired.

After breakfast, I went hiking up Tiger Mountain.

Went downtown the the Cuff Sunday evening. Had some beer. Ran into Caz. I think he still wants to work with Bruce at P.S,

Monday, I met a guy on the internet who lives in a condo near me. We went out for a beer. He's a Foreign student from Brazil. He was nice, but nothing happend, and probably ever will.

Tuesday morning I went to the dentist. Because I grind my teath, she's getting me a tooth gard that I can wear while sleeping. I've got a small cavity too.

I'm having dinner with Andy tonight, he's in Seattle on business.

I talked to Harry again. I told him that I was scared when I dated him. That I had knots in my stomach when i wasn't with him. We talked about it for a while. I think he's happy with Chris. I've got to give this up.

We also talked about fishing and kayaking and stuff like that.

Harry's home phone is now disconnected. He really is moving in with Chris.

Right now I never want to call him again; for my own good.

I have to get over this. I want a good relationship. I've got to be a better person.

My fantasies about Harry are evolving. At first I was thinking about confessing every thing to him. Now I'm having cocky daydeams where I steal him from his new boyfriend. It feels better.

I nave a bit of a cold. I'm getting over it quickly.

Had lunch with Bruce yesterday. He and F fought over Bruce and I going out for drinks last thursday. We've decided that in the future, we are only going to go to straight bars. It probably won't make a difference.

Got my hair cut too. A flat top. I haven't had it this short in a while. At first I didn't like it, but now it's growing on me.

I'm in a downer mood again. I've keep mulling over my relationships, all failed. I'm lonely now. Right now, the closest thing I have to friends are Bruce and F. I don't really like F, and Bruce has hinted that he still wants to date me if he and F split. Not something I want.

I want to care for and love someone. But that could take a long time.

I think that every week, I have to do one or two interesting different things. That way I don't get into a rut.

Saturday, I didn't do much. I bought some new jeans, and a new jacket. Went out Saturday night.

Sunday morning, I had brunch with Bruce and F. In the afternoon, we went snowboard shopping. I got a 173cm Canyon Burton plus boots and bindings. We also went to Ikea.

I got home, put the bindings on the board had some dinner, and then went to Sunday night beer bust. I compeltly forgot about my Sunday afternoon softball practice.

I'm still feeling crappy over Harry. The next guy I develop feelings for is not getting away.

My answering machine died. I think I've got a dentist appointment Tuesday morning, but I can't find the reminder card.

Work is going ok. Things are winding down.

Friday night we had solftball practice in hail and rain. I was cold and soaked by the end.

Afterwards, I met a guy who responded to my ad. It went ok, but I'm not really intersted in him.

Went to the Cuff for a drink. It was quiet.

Went home, went to bed early. Had a good nights sleep for the first time in a couple of weeks.

Went downtown to Postive solutions. Bruce, Caz and I did a little bit of work. Mostly it was bickering about the UI details for a DB app Bruce is writing. I showed them some of the finer points on how to administrate Exchange and use Outlook.

Later on Caz and I went to CC's and had dinner. Caz left and Bruce showed up. We drank a lot. I think it was 3 vodka and crans each. We bitched to each other about life in general. He told me that he's not really sure he loves F. I laughed at him; he certainly doesn't act that way.

As part of signing up for DSL, I got a free web cam. After I got home, I put the cam to good use. I JO'd with some guy from Kentucy.

I've taken out a personals add as well. I'm starting to get replies.

Yeah, he's cute, but not enough. He's very queeny.

We still had sex though.

On my way back from his place, I was mulling over Harry again. Why can't I get him out of my brain? I ended it with Harry twice. I cheated on Harry twice. I enjoyed, and did not feel guilty for, cheating on Harry twice.

Am I a Jerk or what?

A couple more hours, and I'll be on a date with Andrew. I hope it works out. I've got mixed feelings for this. I think he's cute. But, .

We won at hockey. 6-5. It started off very sloppy. We were missing passes, and couldn't clear it out of our zone. During the second period it picked up.

It's amazing how daylight savings time changes everything. It's now almost 6pm, and it's still very light out. Oh the joy of living in Seattle.

Ok, so Andrew and I have a date Wednesday night. It's at Vince's in Fed Way.

Harry has gone overboard. He's already put his house up for sale, and moved into Chris's place. I hope he'll be ok. They've known each other for less than 2 weeks.

Hockey tonight. Last game of the season.

I was supposed t go up to Vancouver for a tournament on April13-15. However so many guys dropped out that we couldn't field a team. Plus, that weekend was the opening day for Softball. So, I dropped out too.

Andrew, the really cute guy that I met online, called my cell this morning. I only saw the call display number. I called back, and left a message. I'm setting him up so big in my brain, that no matter who he is, he'll dissapoint me. At least it get's my mind off of Harry.

Yes! I just got email from him. I am posting and publishing now...

My heart is sooo fickle.

Saturday morning I had sex with some guy I met on line.

I also got a reply from a really cute guy who put a personals add online. As of Sunday night, he hasn't replied to reply, or called me.

Saturday evening I went downtown and had dinner with Bruce and F at the Satelite Lounge.Later, Bruce and F went home, I went to the Cuff. I ran into Steven. We agreed that nothing was happening between us. Although the next day, he jokingling sent me an email saying that I dumped him.

Sunday morning, I had Lunch with Bruce and F at the Shanty Cafe. Later we went snowboard shopping. Bruce and I went over to Postive Solutions. I think Caz was playing around with the system in the morning, it was really screwed up.

Sunday afternoon, I worked out. Went downtown again for dinner and drinks at the Cuff.

bah.

I Friday Harry called. We talked a while. I told him I loved him. It was awkward. I also told him I had to stay away for a while.

Drank a lot Friday nigh Bruce and I split 2 pitchers at the Workshop Tavern. Went downtown for pratice. Had a couple more afterwards at Changes and the Cuff.

Ok, tonight was a double pig night. A guy I did it with at BP on monday, called me up and came over. It was fun. He's from Florida, so I'll never see him again.

I've been bad lately. Monday night I went to BP and had sex there. Tuesday night I cruised the sex chats. Didn't meet up with anyone though. Wednesday night I picked up a guy at the Safeway in Redmond. I'm suprised about that one. Redmond is pretty vanila.

Work is pretty stressfull.

I'm feeling better about Harry. It's not all gone though.

I guess this is how I deal with stress.

No hockey this week. One more game next week, then the season is over.

Went out Saturday night. Didn't run into Dave. I think we both recognize that the other is attractive, but not enough so, to go further.

Softball practice Sunday morning at 8:00am. I'm getting better at hitting. I have to remember to adjust my front foot about 1/4 to 1/2 of the way through the pitch.

Had bruch with F and Bruce at Minnies, then we went shopping over at U Village. Bought the A&F Catalogue. Odd trivia; they don't sell the A&F catalogue at the A&F in Redmond Town Center, because that A&F sells childens cloths, and is more of a family store. The catalogue is fairly tame. A few butts, a few brests, all tastefull.

In the evening, I went to an Oscar party with some co-workers. We held a pool to see who could predict most of the winners. I tied for last place with 5 out 26.

Went the the Cuff for beer. Said hi to a few people, went home. When ever I catch my self dwelling on Harry, I get pissed off. I know exactly what would happen if we could get back together. Within two weeks, I'd remember all the reasons I dumped in the first few times. I cheated on him twice. I enjoyed it. I felt no guilt.

Why do I feel so shitty about this?

Friday night, I had softball practice. Afterwards, some of us went to changes for a Beer. A few of the guys a really into the bar croud. They knew everyone there.

Afterwards, Steven and I cought up and I went over to his place for the first time. He has a really nice house. The picture window in the master bedroom has a kick ass view of Mt Rainier. Saturday morning, he headed of to Hawaii for a week of work.

Saturday, Dave and I played telephone tag about getting together tonight.

DSL is great. I've been downloading great songs (legal songs) and making CD's. I've got a couple excellent driving CD's now.

Maybe I'll call up Bruce and F, and see if they want to have dinner.

Wednesday night, I went to a new restaurant, Becks. It's good. The owner kept coming to me, and telling I had to try this or that because it was soo good.

Thurday I worked. Played hockey at 11:00pm at night. Most of the guys didn't show up, so we had to get a goalie, and a couple of extra players, by asking the teams that played the game before. It was scrappy game. Near the beginning, one of the opposing players got a big nose blead. Towards the end, one of our guys got into a fight, and got a game misconduct. We ended up winning 6-4

Friday morning, I have the day off of work, because of an office move. I went downtown to Postivie Solutions, and tightened up the security on their system.

I now have DSL! But, it's a beutiful sunny day, so I'm going to sign off, and play outside.

I'm feeling better today. Last night, I played hockey. It was good to get out and have some fun.

I'm still ruminating over Harry, but it's not that bad. I know in my heart that if I had another chance, I'd probably put him through the same hell again. He deserves better than that.

Funny how when you look back, you only rememeber the good times, and you over look the bad.

When did get so faggy and introspective?

Fuck, I feal more than bad about Harry, I'm getting sick over it. When he called me, I got this big knot in my stomache and got ill. Stupid Stupid Stupid me.

A long time ago Brian told me I had trust issues. I didn't believe him at the time, but I'm starting to. I'd rather be alone than hurt, and I thought I could only get hurt in a relationship.

Bitterness. I got this message from Harry. He's dating some guy named Chris. I think I know who that is, but I'm not sure. It hurt a bit. Once again I have no one to blame but myself.

I went out Sunday evening, and ran into Dave. Dave used to be a bartender at the Eagle. We had one date way back in November. It turned into a nightmare/adventure. We missed hooking up a few times afterwards. But, last Sunday, he asked me out again. Rollar-blading this at Alki. We'll see. It sounds like he may be moving to San Francisco.

Work was ok today. Got a sneak peak at the next vision for my product. It won't be out for 2 to 4 years.

I still miss Harry. I've been thinking about telling him I'm a bottom to see how he reacts. I'm still not comfortable with anyone knowing. I gotta do it though. I think we could work things out if he knew.

I forgot to mention this... One week ago, on monday, when I got home from work, there was a message on my machine. Someone whistled Basket Case by Green Day. I think it was Steven, but I'm not sure. The Caller-ID number wasn't available.

Now the really scary part. At the end of the message, you'll hear a beep, and then someone do-do-doing the same tune. I have a tape answering machine. When I digitized the message, I just played the tape, so it didn't stop at the end of the whistling message. That's when I heard the do-doing for the first time. This probably means that the caller left the message in do-do-do form, changed his mind, and figured out how to erase the message (erase is password protected on my machine, but it's only a one digit password), then left the message in whistling form.

I burned a CD with some random songs, and included the message as one of the tracts. I'll play the CD for people I suspect left the message, and see how they re-acted.

I drank a lot on Friday. I had 2 beers at work, then I left for softball practice. At the field, they shut the lights off early, so my team headed to Changes for some drinks. I had half a pitcher there. I met up with Bruce at Positive Solutions. We changed their Exchange mail server so that it now handles all incomming, and outgoing mail. Then we went to the Elysian and had dinner, and another beer. Then we went to C.C's and had 2 cran and vodka's a piece.

Bruce asked me if I wanted a drive home. I said no, but should have said yes. I was seeing double for much of the way and had to close one of my eyes. I got home safe. When I got home, my DSL modem had arrived. So, at about 12:30am, I was stumbing around my house, Installing the DSL filters and modem. The service isn't activated yet, so nothing happened.

Satuday I went out and bought softball equipment. I also got a cell phone. Sigh. I've finally given in. In the afternoon, I met up with Steven. We went to the Chauteau St. Michelle wine tasting and sale. We bought and split a case of Merlot. Then, we headed over to Redhook, and had dinner. We came back to my place, started to watch a movie, but ended up going to bed.

Sunday, we woke up early. I had a softball practice at 9am. But, it was rained out. I hung around for a while, and then met up with Bruce and F at the Bluestar for bruch.

I don't know about Steven, he's cute, but I'm not really that attracted to him. I'll have to give him the 'let's just be friends' speach soon.

Nothing much has happened this week. Tuesday, Bruce and L managed to get their Positive Solutions topoligy up and running. They've got email too.

Wednesday night, I was supposed to play hockey at 11pm, but many guys said they weren't showing up, so I didn't either.

I'm having lunch with Ryan today.

Friday my heart was beating weird. It was missing beats, and then having real big beats. I made a doctor's appointment for Monday. The doctor told me not to worry about it unless there were other symptoms.

Friday night I went out to the Cuff. Met a guy, Steven. 9 months ago he got out of a 7 year relationship. Not much else happened.

Saturday, I waxed the truck, and went downtown early. I went to CC's to talk to the bartender about the Chicken Soup Bacherlors Auction. Previously, he asked me to be one of the bachelors. Unfortunatly, he wasn't in. I walked up and down Broadway, then at about 7:30 I met up with Bruce for dinner at the Elysian. F showed up at about 8. The two were fighting a bit. I think the next few weeks will be the testing moment of their relationship. If they get throug the next few weeks, they'll be together for a long time. Monday morning I got an apology from F. He said that Bruce and he had worked things out.

Over dinner Bruce asked me to drop by Positivie Solutions on Sunday. They needed some help configuring some servers.

At about 9, dinner was over. Bruce and F went home. I went to the Cuff. I ran into Steven again. We exchanged numbers. I also ran into Harry. He was in a bad mood. One guy was sort of ribbing him about an ex, plus some other shit. I think he's getting tired of the bars, and tired of being single. I want to tell him that I miss him and I care for him. But, it's real weird. I'm a bottom, and I need that. But I don't want to tell him.

I went home, and was in bed by 12:30am.

Sunday morning I had softball practice. After practice, I went over and help L and Bruce at Positive solutions. They just needed a simple topoligy design. I hand held them through some config changes.

Sometime in the afternoon, my heart started beating normally again.

After that, I called Steven, and we agreed to get together that evening. We had coffee at a Starbucks, and then dinner at my place. He spent the nice. He's an attracive man. Not sure I'll fall in love with him. He's out of town all week on business. We'll see what happens next weekend.

Monday morning, I went to the doctor. He did an exam on me, and told me not to worry unless there were additional symptoms.

Back to work...

First draft of the Africa notes....

Mon, 5th: Got to Amsterdam. Staying with Cory, a friend of the family in Permurend. Also visited Volendam.

Tuesday, 6th: Visited mom’s cousins in Amsterdam. Most of them don’t speak strong English.

Wed 7th. Went to the Van Gough museum, and the Rijksmuseum. The Dutch pronounce Van Gough like “Van Hough” The first ‘H’ is pronounced like you are clearing your throat; the ‘ou’ is like the ‘o’ in ‘hot’

Thursday, 9th. Mom’s cousin Tapka gave us a walking tour of old Amsterdam. We saw many churches, and took a walk through the red light district.

Friday 9th. Drove to Haulerwijk (Mom’s birth city) We drove across the North Sea Dike. I stayed with Omka Jan. Mom stayed with Tante Ria. Neither speak English.

Saturday 10th. Drove to Zwolle. Had great food. Zwolle is a beautiful city. Stayed at the Hotel Fider, which is a historic building on the outskirts.

Sunday 11th. Drove back to Haulerwijk.

Monday 12th Took the train to Amsterdam, and left for Harare, Zimbabwe.

The Netherlands was kind of weird. I did the roots thing, so I hope I never have to do it again. I spent most of my time just hanging around people who can’t speak English, so I read a lot. If I go again, I won’t visit family. I’ll just tour. Mind you, Zwolle was nice. I’d stay there again. I had great food at a restaurant in downtown Zwolle. I wish I could remember the name. It was next to the central market, on the second floor.

In my spare time, I thought a lot about Terry. I tried planning ways of getting him to like me; to leave his boyfriend for me. When I flew back to Seattle, and ran into Terry, we talked. I decided to not follow through with my plans

Tueday 13th. Arrived in Harare. Mom lost some of her luggage.

Wed 14th. Toured Harare. David showed us the markets. Harare is a very grimy city, but not dangerous. The criminals don’t have enough money for knifes or guns, so you only have to worry about pickpockets. Our chauffer, Innocent, drove us to a wild life park. Godfrey asked me to find a good college for his stepson. Zimbabwe is run on favors and nepotism, so I’m not surprised he did this. I agreed.

Friday 16th. Mom got her luggage back on the 15th. Right now, It’s morning and I’m on the Train to Bulawayo. We left Harare last night at about 7pm. It’s an over night milk run. The three of us have a sleeper car. The towns are very small, no more than 8 houses. Many of the houses have straw roofs. For most of the night, our sleeper cabin’s radio was broken, but, “Love, Love me Do” by the Beatles just cut in.

Sunday, 18th. On the 16th we saw the Chipangaly Animal Orphanage, plus the Zimbabwe Museam of Natural Science. In the evening, we got on the train again for Vic Falls. We arrived in Vic Falls on the morning of the 17th. We are staying at the Settlers Retreat, a little B&B just outside of town. We are the only ones there. In the evening we went on a cruise of the Zambeze, and saw hippos and giraffes.

The manager of Settler’s Retreat is a retired park ranger. He loves to talk.

We are paying $US20.00 a night, total, for 2 rooms.

Went to a Crocodile farm and saw the Zimbabwe side of the falls. We got very wet.

Monday 19th. Went white water rafting on the Zambezi. The water is very high, so the rapids were fairly gentle.

Tuesday 20th. Game Drive in Zambia. Saw a white rhino attack a mini van. Not a lot of damage. The driver sped off after the rhino hit.

Also saw giraffe, antelope. We went to the Livingston Museum in Livingston, Zambia. The unemployment rate in Livingston is about 95%.

We visited a traditional village, I think it was the Maupani Village. Every lived in mud and straw huts. Saw Vic falls from the Zambia side.

Wednesday 21th. Took it easy. Mom got me to fake sick so we could get out of a game drive to Mozambique. The Tour guide figured it out. We had to pay cancellation costs of about $Zim1000.00 That’s about $US20.00

Thursday 22nd. Flew from Vic Falls to Harare. Took the bus from Harare to Mutoko. The bus was very poor. Mutoko is even poorer. Mom and I were almost ready to leave when we saw where we would be staying.

Friday 23rd. Sports day (Track and Field) at Mutoko High. Dave and I judge shot-put. Watched Beverly Hills Ninja again. Saw Dave’s computer lab.

Saturday 24th. Visited Obey’s grandparents farm. It’s a subsistence farm. Climbed up a hill to some caves. The caves had cave paintings in them.

Saw Blue Streak Twice, and 10 things I hate about you. There’s not a lot to do here.

Sun 25th. Went to church with the Mutoko High Students. Saw the Our Lady of Peace Orphanage. This was a unsettling. We saw many infants had had been through hell. Many of them were HIV positive.

In the evening, Mom got very sick. Everyone thinks it’s malaria. She’s stumbling around half naked trying to go to the bathroom. I had to help her.

Mon 26th. The Boarding Master drove us from Mutoko to Harare. Mom is very weak, but much better. She doesn’t remember much about last night. We took her to a doctor.

Tuesday 27th. Doctor says that Mom actually has a intestinal parasite, and has put here on new medicine. She still has cramps, but is much better. We leave for home tonight.

Zimbabwe was weird. In many ways it was very poor. For about $US100 000, you can buy what would be a million dollar home in Seattle. For about $400 a month, you can get 2 or 3 servants and a chef.

The people were the nicest people I’ve ever met.

I finally finished organizing my pictures. Got some good ones. Haven't finished the Africa essay yet. sigh.

Not much has happend this week. Just working. Still a bit jet lagged. I'm tired every night by 9pm, and in by 10:30. I've been waking up at about 6:00am. On the plus side, I've worked out every morning this week.

I lost 10lbs while I was in Africa. With all the exercise, hopefully it will come back as muscle.

Had lunch with Bruce today. He blew up at L about their volunteer work. L wants to do some kind of multimedia thing that would just blow all of the plans out of the water. Bruce told me that he's seeing a councelor about his passive aggresiveness. He told that more than once, he just puts up with things until he blows up. He doesn't ask for what he wants, and he doesn't initiate things. It's also affecting his relationship with F.

Wow. It's taking longer than I thought to compile all the Africa stuff. I'll pick with what's happened since I got back, and post the Africa entries later.

I got back last Wednesday. The earthquake hit Seattle at about 11:00am. The airport was closed, but they inspected the runways, and let our jet land. Bruce was supposed to pick me up, but he heard that airport was closed, so he no showed. Plus, when I tried to call him I heard "Due to Technical Difficulties your call cannot be completed..." I ended up taking a shuttle home. I was very jet lagged, so I went to bed by 9:00pm.

Thursday I went to work. Bruce called me up and apologized for not showing up. Thursday, I left work at 2pm, claiming jet lag. I went and bought a scanner. Later, I met up with Bruce, and we went to dinner at the NW brew house and grill that night. I'm not really a big fan of the food at the NW Brewhouse. It's ok, but it's a bit expensive.

Friday I went downtown. I ran into Terry and we talked for a while. I asked him why he was always at the Cuff by himself, when he had a boyfriend. He said that his boyfriend worked weekend nights, and that hanging out at the Cuff, and playing pool was comfortable. I've been thinking a lot about Terry lately. I want to date him.

Saturday, I went to a Softball skills clinic. It was ok. Since this my first year, I'm playing for a rec team, however one of the coaches asked me "Are you sure you want to play for a 'D' team" I'll stick with the team for this year, and change things next year. The weird thing about softball players is that it's much more gay than hockey. On my hockey team, you couldn't tell that our most effeminate player was gay, unless you spent some time with him. But in softball, half the players look gay. The other half, once they open up their mouths, you know they are queer.

F went to Vancouver for the day, so Saturday night, I met up with Bruce and we had dinner at the Elysian. Bruce was complaining about L. Bruce and L are trying to setup a patient tracking system for Postive solutions, but L seams to be over engineering it. Postive solutions only has about 5 people who are entering, maybe, 300 transactions a month. But L is installing this system that would be able to manage a large hospital. It's frustrating Bruce, because it's slowing things down.

Later on, Bruce and I went to CC's for a drink. Bruce is always tring to get me hooked up. So, he introduced me to a few cute guys. Both of us left by 10:00pm.

Sunday morning I went and bought a CD Rom burner for my computer. I had lunch with Bruce and F at Ruby's dinner in RTC. The three of us are looking for a cool place to hang out around Redmond. I don't think it's going to happen. Sunday afternoon, I sorted through my photos of Europe and Africa. I'm missing a role. I still have lots of pictures though, 16 rolls.

I'm back. I've got 3 weeks worth of notes that I'm compiling into a larger essay. It will be posted in the next couple of days.

I leave for Amsterdam in a couple of hours. After a week in the Netherlands, I'm off for two weeks in Zimbabwe. I get back on Feb 28th.

A bit of worrying news from Zimbabwe. Last week everyone at my brothers school was woke up at 4am and had to watch a military parade. Afterwards the solders went around and destroyed any newspapers they found. My brother is ok, and no one was hurt. He said some of the students spread rumours that two teachers sympathized with a rebel faction. When news of this got around, the establishment sent in the military to flex their muscle and to show everyone they were still in control.

On Friday, at the Cuff, I ran into Terry. He says he still has a boyfriend. I don't understand why he spends weekend nights at the Cuff.. It doesn't make a lot of sense. Maybe I'll find out someday. When I told him I was going to Amsterdam, he became kind of uncomfortable; looks like he has some feelings for me. Maybe he's single again, and he's just scoping me out to see what I do. After all, I have lied to him before.

Saturday night I went out for dinner with Bruce and F. We ate at Shilla's Asian Grill. The service very really slow and uneven. Bruce and F had almost finished there meals by the time I got mine. The food was ok.

Afterwards we went to Victors for some Coffee. They had a poetry reading. We didn't stick around to listen. Later we went to the NW Grill and Brewhouse for a beer.

I leave for Amsterdam and Zimbabwe on Sunday. So, this week I've been working like a dog to get things done. My projects at work look like they are running fine. I won't be able to check them in though. I was here till 10pm Monday and Tuesday nights. Wednesday night things were going well, so I was home by 8pm.

I still have a nagging cough, and a runny nose. I hope it doesn't turn into pneumonia. Not now.

I went out for beer with some guys for work. Later on, I went downtown, and met Bruce and F at CC's. I also ran into Lee, and a friend of his, Marty. Lee and Marty want me to be a bachelor for the Chicken Soop Brigads' Bachelor auction in April. I might do it. I'll stay in touch and see how I feel when the auction draws closer.

After CC's, F, Bruce and I went to Minni's for some food. Bruce had never been to Minni's before.

Went home, was in bed by midnight.

Friday night was a big drinking night. I think I had 7 pints total. It started at work, with 3 pints. Later I went out to the Timberline. I ran into Harry there. I hung around him all evening. He told me he takes Paxil for social anxiety. Before Paxil, Harry said he was afraid to go into public places. He just knew that every one was looking at him, and thinking "what a fucking faggot"

Later on we went to the Eagle. We ended up closing the Eagle. yuck. I drove home. Harry stayed a bit longer talked to some friends. He called me at about 2:30am, to make sure I got home alright.

Saturday I didn't do much. I hung around and cleaned up. I took a panorma picture at the Redmond Town Centre. The security guard walked up to me, and told me they don't allow photogrophy on the premisises, and asked me to refrain from doing so. I took another Panorma picture at Victors Coffee. One of the patrons in the picture noticed the camera, and has a strange look on her face.

Went to bed early, about 10pm.

Sunday Bruce, F and I snowboarded at Snoqualmi. We stuck we the Galary for most of the day, but later on we did the Triple 60. At that point F called it a day. He said he was tired. Brunce and I did the Triple 60 again, and then did the Quad. It was fun, I'm finally doing ok. I can stay on my feet most of the time.

I ran into a couple of people from work. Snowboarding is a very popular sport at work.

We left at about 4:30pm. I went home, took a nap, and then played hockey at 10:30pm. We lost, 4-2. I got one goal and one tripping penalty. Sara didn't play. She really dinged up her knee from the last game. She's supposed to have an MRI today.

I'm very stiff today. I still have a nagging cough.

Monday night I played hockey. We won 6 to 2. I got two tripping penalties. The ref was very pickey.

Wednesday night I went to Beppo's for F's birthday party. This time the lineup was much shorter. We were in within 30 minutes. I met a couple of F's ex's at the party. He meets many guys over the internet. I think he has a thing for older guys with weird looking faces. Not that Bruce has a weird face. Maybe that's why he and Bruce are still together. L wasn't there. As long as he's unemployed, he refuses to go out

I got paged for work Wednesday night, and was up till 2am. Grant Pride Co, a drill bit comapny on the east coast, hosed there system. They needed some TLC to get things working again.

Thrusday afternoon I got fingerprinted for my greencard. It's all inkless. They do it twice. The first time you put all your fingers down, and they scan them all at once. The second time, they scan each finger individually, and they computer marks the scan as pass/fail. Maybe they are comparing the second scan to the first scan to ensure that the capture is good.

I'll have to use gloves for all my criminal activities.

Thursday night I played hockey again. We won 6 to 2 again. It was a clean game; no penaties. Sara hurt her knee in a spectacular crash. I think she'll be ok.

Friday, I'm at work. I still have very much to do before I leave for Europe and Afica. It's only a week away. Yeah!

Friday night I went to C.C's, the Seawolf, R Place and then the Eagle. At the Seawolf, I ran into Russ and his new boyfriend. Russ used to be Harry's roommate, but then he fell in love and quickly moved out. One night, before Russ moved out, Rus and his new boyfiend were sleeping at Harry's. Harry said that early in the morning, he woke up and someone was rubbing his stomache. He looked over and the new boyfriend was kneeling beside the bed. Harry just laid still, and acted like he was sleeping. After a few minutes, Harry's alarm clock went off. The boyfriend hit the floor, and rolled under the bed. Harry stumbled out of bed, and headed for the washroom. When he got out of the washroom, the boyfriend had left.

So, when I ran into Russ, and his boyfriend, I really wanted to say "So your the guy who was feeling Harry up." But I didn't.

Saturday, I bought snowboarding cloths at G I Joe's in Issiquah. At 5pm I went to Beppo's for a birthday party of some guy I don't really know. He's a friend of Ryan and Jen's. It tooks us two hours to get seated! That's one thing I hate about Beppo's, the long waits. The food isn't that great either. The desserts are good, but that's not enough.

Jason is threatoning to mail me a bottle of his urine. He's looked my address up.

After that birthday part, I went to Suzanne and Paul's. Paul just made Captin (He's a pilot) so Suzanne threw him a party. Many of the old Toronto people where there. The change in conversation was jarring. At Beppo's we drank beer, and talked about sex, dildo's and other rude topics. At Suzanne's and Pauls we drank wine and scotch, and talked about work, the protestant reformation, and having children. Both parties were fun. Just different.

I'm kind of fascinated by the whole "freedom of speach" thing that many americans woriship. Take Bonsai Kitten for example. This site, it's a satire (I guess), about how to grown asthetically pleasing kittens using Bonsai techniques. The site has come under attack (By the humane society among others) for it's cruelty to animals. As a result, Bonsai kitten has been kicked off of two hosts. This is where the Protect-freedom-of-speach crowd comes in. They scream bloody murder in the name of free speach. Both sides act like the fate of western civilization is at stacke. Or maybe, it's just a bunch of nerds who have too much time on their hands, and fighting for their beliefs gives them something to do.

What's the point of satire, or spoof when your target isn't full of vice and folly? I did laugh at Bonsai Kitten.

Zimbabwe is geting closer. Only two and a half weeks away. I've got a lot of work to do between now and then.

When I get back, I'm going to bite the bullet, and take out a personal ad. I'm going to take some time to write it. It'll be hard. How do I scare off the guys I'm not attracted too?

So, what do I want?... "You should be masculine and straight acting. Deep voice and facial hair are a plus. I'm not looking for a sensative gentle man." What else do I tack on?

Last night, I went snow boarding for real! Not down just the bunny hill-- down the big slope. I even had a run wen I didn't faill!. Bruce, F and I went to Snoqualmie. It was fun.

Other than that, Still working a lot. My project is in buddy test, but it's not going well. Not quiet over my cold yet. Almost.

Wednesday morning, I got my vacines for my trip to Zimbabwe. I neede Polio and Typhoid.

Haven't talked to Andy lately. He just got back from a weekend in Las Vegas.

Not much has happened. I've been working at. I worked all day sunday, and long hours Monday. I completed my features, but they aren't working that well right now.

The Bistro Lautrec is closed! The food was so good there, and the chef was hot. The good news is that Lautrec guys have opened a new restaurant called 'ing'. It's just around the corner from the Lautrec. Bruce and I ate there instead.

The crowd is much more gay than the the Lautrec. Maybe once word get's around, a wider variety of people will show up.

Bruce was fairly wired. He bruised his ribs snow boarding. So he's on vicadent. We shot the breeze, drank a bottle of wine, plus some coctails. Afterwards we went to the Cuff. The cover charge is now $3.00. I going to stop going to the Cuff for a while. Yeah, it's probably Seattle's best bar, but that's not saying a lot. I'll get buy by touring the smaller bars.

We met a couple of cute guys. Bruce is very outgoing, especially after consuming vicadent and alcohol. He wanted to fix me up more than anything. I'm still under the weather with a cold, and didn't feel like meeting anyone. I ran into Tony who has invited us to a Super Bowl party next weekend. It will be a mixed crowed.

Bruce and I went for an early drink tonight, to the 8th Street bar. It was a bit of a work event. Bruce went with his team from work. Bruce and I started talking about boyfriends and what we want. We started calling the two Chris’s, L and F to distinguish them. F is Bruce's boyfriend.

Something weird happened between F and Bruce. I think F was supposed to show up to join us for drinks, but Bruce didn’t really want him to. F can’t act straight. He’s been out of the closet since he was a teenager. Bruce and I, on the other hand, always act straight; to the point where, sometimes, if we go into a gay bar, the doorman will say “You do know that this is a gay bar?”

Bruce said that he would be kind of embarrassed if F showed up. I guess those two are having problems.

Bruce is a bit of a size queen. He said that everyone he dates has to have a certain minimum length. I told him that one of my problems with Harry was that he is so small. Thats not the only problem, but it was another thing that kept me from saying, “all else being equal…”. I told Bruce that I was still chasing Terry. Even though Terry didn’t have the world’s largest dick, he made up for it in other areas. I'm kind of jealous of Terry's boyfriend.

We also talked about L, and guys in the military. We noticed that guys from the military often have rape fantasizes. They want to be tied up, trash talked, and fucked real hard. Last summer, I dated a guy from the air force who was exactly like that. L is the same way. For me, it’s kind of a turn off. When I’m in bed with a guy, I don’t want him to just lie there, bound. I want someone to make love to me too. Sex doesn’t have that power component for me. Maybe it’s because I’m a bottom too.

F is going to Vancouver Saturday evening, so Bruce and I are having dinner together Saturday night—at the Bistro Lautrec.

Oh yeah, another thing I forget to record.

Played hockey Monday night, and we won, 6-3. Even better, the team we won against had a couple of guys who dropped off of our team.

It was a pretty tense game. We were ahead 3-1 at the end of the 1st, but they caught up, 3-3 at the end of the second. We pulled ahead in the third. Curt even got a goal. He said it was his career first.

I'm a looser. Not in the spiritual/social sense, but in the physical sense. I'm constantly loosing little things. notepads, wallets, cutlery, tools. Two days ago, I was using a can-opener to open up two cans of tomato sauce. I opened up the first car and poured it into the pot. Then I turned to open up the second can, but the can-opener was gone. I hunted for 5 minutes for it. It had slipped underneath some grocery bags at the back of the counter.

Today I lost my hundredth notepad. Somewhere, all my collected business knowledge is sitting around unused by the masses (or even me). Maybe it's in a garbage can. Maybe it's on a shelf.

I haven't permanently lost my wallet in a long time. I almost lost it Tuesday night. I couldn't find it the next morning, and it wasn't at work. It ended up being in my dirty laundry pile.

Can you tell I don't want to work?

I'm off sick today. My cold won't go away. I might go in for the afternoon.

Ryan and I reviewed another Restaurant

My project at work is still going slowly.

I'll just take it easy the next few days.

Still working a lot. It's not gong well.

My green card is progressing. I'm being finger printed at the end of January.

Tuesday night, I went with Bruce, and the other Chris to a career fair. Chris doesn't have a job. He's knowlegeable enough, but he doesn't come accross as ultra bright. That's slowing him down.

Bruce said that this year, the fair was 20% smaller than last year. Maybe a recession is on the horizon. The most popular booth was Microsoft. There was only one real E-commerce company. Some gardening company from Mt. Vernon. Amazon wasn't there.

I didn't see anything interesting.

Bad Weekend. I worked a lot. I ate I drank. I had stress dreams.

Went out Friday night. Ran into Terry. Had a few drinks with him. I finally gave him the pictures that we took at his party last August.

I also met a guy, Mark, from Bremerton. He was kind of cute. He gave me his number, and told me he was staying in Seattle for the weekend. We decided to get together Saturday evening.

I worked all Day Saturday, then met up with Mark in the evening. We had sex right off. Then we went out for dinner at the Cadilac. It was weird. Friday night he was dressed normal. Saturday night he was dressed as a leather man. He's in an open relationship, but is looking for a 'boy' on the side. Not really my thing. Mark said he owns a bar in Bremerton. He's in the process of selling it. He and his lover want to live 6 months of the year in Seattle, and 6 months in Palm Springs.

I ran into Terry Saturday night. We flirted and talked a bit. It guess he's still dating that guy. I don't understand why he goes out by himself every Saturday. It's not conducive to a good relationship. In his favor, he just plays pool and then leaves. Against-- there are better places to play pool than the Cuff on a Saturday evening.

I'd still date him.

I worked on Sunday. From 11:00am to 10:00pm in the evening.

Mishelle gave birth on Sunday. I got this from Sean...

Howdy Folks,

Just a brief announcement that Sean and Mishelle are pleased to introduce Olivia Simone who came into this world at 5:47 PM, Sunday, January 7, 2001. Olivia weighs 8 lbs, 2 ozs and is a healthy, happy girl.

Mishelle is extremely tired. She first noticed a contraction between 5 and 6 am Saturday morning and hasn't had much opportunity for sleep since. But she eventually got through everything perfectly and so did Olivia.

I am also tired (thanks for asking) but not getting nearly as much sympathy as Mishelle or as much attention as Olivia.

We will be in the hospital likely until Monday evening, possibly Tuesday morning and then we'll be coming home.

Sean

I'm kind of obsessing over Sean. Two or three times a day I call home to check for messages. Every time I actually get a message, my heart jumps. Of course, Sean hasn't actually called yet-- so then I feel disapointed to hear a message from a friend, or a tele-marketer.

I have this pattern with new guys. I get all excited when I first meet them, but then after one or two dates reality sets in, and I fall out of lust. That sounds more like a general problem and not just something specific to me.

No call from Sean yet. Oh well.

Working a lot. Taking many pictures too. I've been taking panorama photos with my new camera, and printing them out. It's amazing how much better a photo can look when it's bigger.

Had beer last night at Damons with some guys from work. Had lunch today a Thai Chef with my new team.

I skipped my Thursday morning work out, but I did work out Friday morning. Wednesday night, in the middle of the night, I woke up from a stress dream. It took me another hour to get back to sleep. So, I decided to sleep in Thursday morning, rather than feel crappy all day.

This just in. I finally heard back from my DSL provider. I can't get DSL. It only took them 4 months to tell me.

Back to work.

I spent new years eve at Ryan and Jen's. We watched part of an Iron Chef marathon. During the Carp battle, the chefs were scaling the fishes alive. If the fish thrashed around too much, the chef would gently conk the fish on it's head with the back of a cleaver (Bad Fish! Stop Wiggling.). Then they gutted the fish. It was hilarious. It was horrible.

I crashed at Ryan and Jen's that night. So did Jason. We got up at about 11:00am, drank some mocha's and watched some more Iron Chef. I didn't get home until about 3:00pm

I did a work-out on Monday. I also worked out this morning. Woo hoo! Two days into the new year, and I still haven't broke my new hears resolution.

The World is Small.

Friday night I went to the Cuff, and nothing much happened. I ran into Scott, who gave me an invitation to a holiday party that he and Randy were throwing on Saturday. I was in bed by 2:00am

Saturday, Mom called me at 8:00am. I was still fast a sleep. She wanted to talk about our trip to Zimbabwe in February. I mumbled to here for a while, and then she figured out that I wasn't fully awake. After we hung up, I got up, ran some errands and worked a bit (I am so far behind on the replication control conversion). In the evening, I ate at the Bento Box, and then went Randy and Scott’s. This is where things become interesting.

Scott and Randy live in a nice house on Beacon Hill. Randy’s parents own the house. Randy, Scott and two other guys are living in, and remodling the house. They are doing a great job. There are building water fountains and little gardens all over the place.

The political structure of the household is kind of weird. One of the two other roommates is Randy’s ex, Michael. Mike actually lives in an Airstream Bambi Trailer next to the house. Randy said Mike does it because he wants a cat, and Randy is allergic to cats. Oddly enough there was a cat in the main house. Mike also lives in the trailer because he likes the privacy.

Most of the guys at the party were the regular mature-gay house party set. Mark “Mom” Findly, the drag queen was there. She loved me, because I made her (him?) look small.

Later on in the evening, this guy, Sean showed up. Sean is an attractive beefcake kind of guy. I found it hard to read him. At first, he didn’t really pay attention to me. But, when I started talking to him, he was more than friendly. While Sean and I were talking, all of a sudden Sean shouted “Your Barry!” It turns out that Sean was the friend that Cort was supposed to sleep over at on Christmas Eve. I said that Cort slept in my spare bedroom, and Sean replied that he knew. We had an interesting conversation about Cort. It turns out that Cort, Sean and Sean’s ex were trying to be friends. I think that Sean did have a bit of a crush on Cort, but things were getting awkward. First off Cort lives in Portland. Second, Sean caught Cort and Sean’s ex messing around behind Sean’s back.

So, Sean, a friend of Sean and I, talked and drank the night away. Sean’s friend was a good, interesting man. He was in his late 40’s. He built expensive Christmas displays for a living.

I found it hard to read Sean. He didn’t really touch me, but he was more than happy for me to touch him. It wasn’t until I was about to leave, that he grabbed me and said, “You’re not going to leave already are you?”

At the end of the evening, Sean and I necked a bit, and then we each went to our own homes. Sean has my number. I hope he’ll call.

It’s Sunday morning now. I just got off the phone with Gord and Jen. Their baby Jacob is doing ok. It was Jacob’s first Christmas, so now they have dozens of little toys. Jacob’s favourite toy was a compost pail that Gord’s mom got for Christmas.

I'm at work right now. I'm on vacation, and I'm at work. It says a lot about my life doesn't it. If I take the time off, then I'll probably get into trouble. I'll cruise around for sex. I'm board by that, and want something better.

I've worked out every morning this week, and I'm going to keep on doing it. My new years resolution it to start each morning off by working out for an hour. How long do you think this one will last? I've got a small gym in my garage, so it's easy for me to do. If I can force my self to get up by 8:00am, then I can still make it to work for 9:30am.

The big problem is waking up at 8:00am. I love sleep. I feel crappy if I don't get my 8.5 hours. Plus, the mornings in Seattle are very dark; it's easy to roll over and sleep a bit more.I'll have to start going to bed at 11:00pm. That's harder than it sounds. Last night I went to bed at 11:30, but ever few minutes, I would think of a new trick I wanted to try with my digital camera, then I'd get up and try it out. I've figured out how to take fairly good flashless pictures in ordinary light. The secret is to underexpose the picture, this increases the shutter speed, so that the picture is less blurry. Then, when I download the picture to my computer, I use Adobe to brighten it up. It's not too bad, although the pictures can look a bit grainy.

Back to my workout. I'll have to go to bed at 11:00pm, and not stay up late, playing around.

I have to work hockey into the schedule as well. I play hockey once a week at 9:30pm. So, by the time the game is over, and I'm home, it's easily midnight. I think I can skip the work out the next morning, but, I should make it up on the weekend.

If you are reading this, and you have suggestions on how to stick with a work-out schedule, please email me. redrook@yahoo.com

I'm on vacation, but I've been working a bit. It's very relaxing. I'm sleeping well too. I go to bed at midnight, and I sleep straight through for eight and a half hours. I've been working out a bit in the morning. Then, in the afternoon, I go to work for a couple of hours. In the evening I play around. Tonight, I had dinner with Ryan and Jen at The Thai Restaurant. in Duval. It was fun. The restaurant was fairly good, especially considering it's in Duval. It was authentic Thai.

Jen is starting a new job in Bellevue. She's working as a Travel agent again. She is working for the company that owns Value Village. She used to work as a Web Dev in downtown Seattle. Her new job probably knocks 30 minutes off of her commute each way. Ryan is looking for a bit of C contracting work. The funding hasn't come through for his start up, so he's looking for a bit of cash on the side. I don't think they are in financial trouble. I wish both of them luck.

Open relationships.

I think there are two ways of looking at this.

The good… eventually your sexual interest in someone wanes. An open relationship allows you to release your sexual urges without endangering the relationship. You and your partner can make a sane decision to see other guys. This way you have a great sex life, as well as a life partner.

The bad… If sex is only good when you are with someone new, then you aren’t good in bed. The thrill of new conquest makes up for your lack of competence. Open relationships are used to hide the fact that the relationship is over, yet you don't to be alone.

I know of several gay couples long-term monogamous relationships. They rarely go to the bars. I’ve never heard them talk about their sex lives.

I also know of several more gay couples in open-relationships. Sex is a very important part of their life. Some of these relationships seem to be going ok. Others ended; the open relationship was just one last attempt to make things work in some form.

Is it a function of libido? Some guys need to jerk off one or two times a day; others are fine with once a week. Is the once-a-week crowd the ones who end up in healthy closed relationship?

Where does that leave me? I jerk off once a day. Sometimes more.

Whine.

What do I want? What makes me happy? These are very simple questions, but are very hard to answer. Do I want to be rich? Do I want a solid relationship? Do I just want to whine? “Barry isn’t truly happy. He’s attractive, successful, but he’s unhappy because he can’t meet a guy with a perfect personality, and a fantasy sex drive. Oh Boohoo.”

Some background. I’m an attractive, masculine gay male. I’m fairly successful. A few years ago, Microsoft bought out the company I worked for. I now have a 6-figure salary, and own my own town house. I’m not really rich-- I don’t own a boat, or a second house. On the flip side, I don’t live paycheck to paycheck. I save lots, and there is always plenty of money left over for fun stuff.

My career is good. It doesn’t make me happy. It pays well. It will get me a green card. The Green Card is the big reason I still work at Microsoft. After that I quit. Money can’t buy me happiness, but the green card will give me options.

I want to have a good relationship. Or at least I think I do. It’s been years since I’ve felt something more than minor infatuation for anyone. I wonder if I’m capable of those feelings at all. But then, I often feel negative emotions for guys; jealousy, disappointment. Surly if the negative emotions exist, then the positive must as well. How do I prove that?

A friend once said that what I feel for a man comes from within me, and not from the man. But how do I find those buttons and make them more accessible to others? I’ve met a good man, Harry, who really wants to date me. I don’t feel anything for him. He is a bit goofy. His laugh annoys me. The sex is ok, however he has the habit of making me ejaculate, without orgasm. Is that enough to stop seeing a guy? It’s superficial, yet it’s important. I can’t honestly keep dating someone if I only feel ‘like’ and ‘nice’ for him.

I’m beginning to wonder about open relationships, and single guys that just tramp around forever. I don’t want one, I don’t want to be one, but they’ve become so common. Maybe I’ve been watching too much “Sex In the City”, “Queer as Folk” and “Ally Mc Beal” for my own good.

On the other hand, I’m running into them very often in my social life. I just met Chris. He really gets around. He has many friends, and if you ask him where he met the friend, about half the time he’ll giggle and say “At a bath house.”

Maybe it’s just that guys in normal relationships don’t hang out at the bars.

I’ve also started cruising chat rooms. I don’t really know what I’m looking for. I’m kind of afraid that someone I know will see me and find out that I’m a bottom. As a result, I neuter my public-profile. I’m just a generic 30yo guy.

Why do I not want guys to know I’m a bottom? Maybe if I asked Harry to fuck me, he would have.

I’ve been thinking about taking out a personal ad. It’s hard to sum up yourself. I’ve got a digital camera now, so I can include a good photo. Once again, my phobia, of letting my friends know I’m a bottom, gets into the way.

What do I want? What makes me happy?

The Internet is great. I can whine to the world, but no one will here.

Oh yeah. Journal update. I still don’t have DSL.

Ok. This entry has lots of little interesting gossipy things, all adding up to nothing.

I’ve gone snowboarding with Bruce and Chris a couple of times. We’ve done the bunny hill. Next time we are going to do the real hill.

Bruce, Chris and I got together last Tuesday to for drinks at Manray, and to watch Queer as Folk. There, Bruce introduced me to another Chris. He was kind of cute, and a nice. guy. Chris brought along his friend Norm. Norm is kind of out there. He meets lots of guys, probably on line. After queer as folk, Bruce and Chris left. The other Chris, Norm and I had a drink at R Place. Norm told me that he had been making his own porn, and that he had his own sling room. Well. At the end of the drink, Chris and I talked Norm into bringing us back to his place. We watched the porn and kind of laughed at it. It needs some editing. Then we went down, and looked at Norms sling room. Had another laugh.

Chris and I left Norms, and then went to the Cuff for a drink. We necked a bit. It was getting late, so we agreed to meet at Siam on Friday. Bruce and Chris usually have Supper Fridays at Siam.

Friday, Chris and his friend Terry, showed up at Siam. We had dinner. Terry was a bit obnoxious. Bruce and Chris didn’t show. They had another Christmas party to go to.

Afterwards, Chris and I went back to my place. Chris spent the night. The next day Chris and I talked a bit. Chris mentioned that he met Terry at Club Z. It was at this point that I started to clue in the Chris gets around a lot.

Saturday night I went out, and ran into Harry. When I first ran into Harry, he was getting into his truck with Deacon. I thought that Deacon and Harry were getting back together. That was wrong. Harry was just giving Deacon a Christmas present. I also ran into Terry. I thought he was single since I’ve run into him 2 or 3 times on weekends, without his boyfriend. I gave him my number, and apologized again. He said he was still seeing that guy. So, I asked for my number back, but he refused.

I left early Saturday night. Bruce and Chris and I went snowboarding the next morning. We also decided to have a Christmas dinner at my place on Monday. The dinner was supposed to be a Chris’s, but too many people were showing up, and Chris wasn’t sure how to do the Turkey.

Sunday night, I went out, and ran into Harry again. He brought his sister out just to show here the bars. I also ran into Cort from Portland. Cort was supposed to meet up with a friend, but the friend didn’t show up. I offered Cort my spare bedroom, he accepted. Cort and I didn’t have sex. He just slept in my spare bedroom. The next morning, we talked a while. Cort said he was single, but my guess was that the guy he was supposed to meet up with was a sort of boyfriend. So, sleeping over at my place might have complicated things.

Christmas day I cooked dinner. I did the Turkey on the BBQ. Bruce, Chris, Bruce and Chris’s friend Brian showed up. Brian mentioned that Chris got around a lot. Oh well.

I bought a digital camera. It takes pictures that make anyone look ugly.

I still don't have DSL.

Three months ago I signed up for DSL through MSN. Two months ago the noticed on my DSL setup status page still said "You will be contacted shortly" I called the DSL support center; the customer service rep said that he would escalate my setup to his supervisor. Today, one month later, I still have not heard back from them.

From what I can see, high speed bandwidth is suffering from big business model problems. The technology is there, and it works, however the Telco's and cable companies are having mega problems rolling it out to their customers. I wonder if DSL will suffer the same fate as ISDN?

Friday night I saw "Queer as Folk." It's very mediocre. It's like soft core gay porn with heckling. The acting wasn't good. The story was soft. Afterwards I saw "Sex in the City." Very different. "Sex in the City" is a witty and intelligent sex comedy. It only emphasized how poorly done "Queer as Folk" is.

Last Saturday I went now boarding with Bruce and Chris. Bruce is a snowboard instructor. Chris and I have never boarded before. Bruce gave us very functional lessons, how to fall, how to turn and stop, how to get off the chair lift. I was getting better by the end of the day. but I still fell a lot. I'm going boarding again next weekend.

Saturday Evening I saw Terry at the Cuff. I talked to him for a while, but he acted very distant. Maybe he's not as interested as I thought he was. Oh well. I also ran into Harry. He's got some twinks chasing him, which he finds annoying. He's attracted to beefy guys with beards and moustaches, not 22 year old, hairless boys.

Sunday I went to play hockey at the Ice Palace, but the compressor broke down, and the top layer of the ice had melted. Our team hung around for about and hour, and then left.

The rest of my time I worked. Because I goofed off so much during the week, I'm way behind and some projects. There was a re-org. I've got a new manager. Neil and I will both report to Becky. Which is weird. Neil didn't really get demoted, yet he's no longer my lead.

I hate my job again. It's so dull. I keep reminding myself why I do it. 1: the money. 2: the Green Card. I know money isn't everything, but I can't dismiss the Green Card so easily. If I quit now, I'll have to pack my bags and head back to Canada. Not that Canada is a bad place to live. It's just that there are more opportinutes here. In a few years, maybe I can get a job and move to a city with better weather. No Canadian city has great year around weather.

My green card is supposed to be available in under a year. Since it's a company sponsered green card, I can't quit for one more year after that.

About 6 months ago, I was driving home one night, and I started shouting "I hate my job! I hate my job!" It felt good to admit it. Why do I hate my job? It's borning. I'm a highly paid Computer System Analyst, yet I'll I've done for the past 7 years is directory sync. If I have to write one more directory processing routine, I think I'm going die of boredom.

Plus right now I have to work overtime. Last week I spent a lot of time doing porno chat at work. (I wonder what will happen if I get caught?) now I'm behind. The project I'm currently working on is taking longer than it should have, largely because of my goofing off. So, no I feel guilty and am working late to finish it.

Ryan and I are having lunch tomorrow. Ryan just quit his job, and is starting up a company with some friends of his. They don't have financing yet, so things are kind of dicy.

Brian and I went to Vancouver for the weekend. It is Brian’s last weekend off before he goes to prison. About 6 years ago, Brian got a second DWI. He fought it tooth and nail, and ended up pissing the judge off. The net result was 4 months (with good behavior) on work release. So, this was his fare well weekend. In a way I’m kind of looking forward to it. Four months for him to get over me.

He gets Christmas Day off, and really wants to spend it with me. I think I’ll tell him I’m spending it in Toronto.

We drove up Saturday morning and checked into the holiday in hotel. In the afternoon we went to Grandville Island.

Saturday Night we met up with my friend Barry from Toronto. He’s doing well. He has a dog right now, and seams to be in love with it.

The Vancouver bar seen is very quiet. Considering the size of the City, there aren’t a lot of interesting bars. Also, it’s a very twink crowd—not a lot of ordinary guys.

Sunday morning I was really hung over. I puked twice. We had lunch at Hamburger Mary’s Hiked around Stanley Park, and then left.

At the boarder I was stopped and asked to check in. I expected this because I’m changing status from H1-B to Permanent resident. But, Brian had some pot on him. So when the guard asked us to pull over, Brian was real scared. Nothing weird happened. They checked our ID. Put a new form on my work Visa, and let me go.

As we left, I had to pull over and by Brian a 6pack of beer. He was still unnerved by the whole thing.

Sunday Terry talked to me! And he patted me on the ass too! Sunday I went out for a drink at the Cuff. He was there, but without his boyfriend. We talked for a while. I asked him if he was still dating; he winced, and said yes. We talked a while longer, and then he patted me on the butt and then left.

Last Friday I went out drank with Harry. Friday night, he was wearing slutty jeans, and a guy pulled on the leg, and really ripped them open.

Now, Harry and I have a disagreement. here. He says we were drinking on Friday and that his jeans got ripped on Friday. And then on Saturday we went out again, we closed the Cuff, and he and two other guys (Kurt and Chris) went to Neighbors. I say that both events happened on Friday. Not sure here. They days are blurring together. Every night at the Cuff is the same.

My cyber porn habit is back. I hate it. I spend hours on line telling guys dirty stories. Bah.
Afterwards I feel so dumb. It’s such a waste of time.

Going to Vancouver this weekend with Brian. It’s his last free weekend before he goes to jail. We are meeting my friend Barry from Toronto in Vancouver.

Ryan has quit his job and is starting his own company. I wish him luck.

Small world.