Whine.

What do I want? What makes me happy? These are very simple questions, but are very hard to answer. Do I want to be rich? Do I want a solid relationship? Do I just want to whine? “Barry isn’t truly happy. He’s attractive, successful, but he’s unhappy because he can’t meet a guy with a perfect personality, and a fantasy sex drive. Oh Boohoo.”

Some background. I’m an attractive, masculine gay male. I’m fairly successful. A few years ago, Microsoft bought out the company I worked for. I now have a 6-figure salary, and own my own town house. I’m not really rich-- I don’t own a boat, or a second house. On the flip side, I don’t live paycheck to paycheck. I save lots, and there is always plenty of money left over for fun stuff.

My career is good. It doesn’t make me happy. It pays well. It will get me a green card. The Green Card is the big reason I still work at Microsoft. After that I quit. Money can’t buy me happiness, but the green card will give me options.

I want to have a good relationship. Or at least I think I do. It’s been years since I’ve felt something more than minor infatuation for anyone. I wonder if I’m capable of those feelings at all. But then, I often feel negative emotions for guys; jealousy, disappointment. Surly if the negative emotions exist, then the positive must as well. How do I prove that?

A friend once said that what I feel for a man comes from within me, and not from the man. But how do I find those buttons and make them more accessible to others? I’ve met a good man, Harry, who really wants to date me. I don’t feel anything for him. He is a bit goofy. His laugh annoys me. The sex is ok, however he has the habit of making me ejaculate, without orgasm. Is that enough to stop seeing a guy? It’s superficial, yet it’s important. I can’t honestly keep dating someone if I only feel ‘like’ and ‘nice’ for him.

I’m beginning to wonder about open relationships, and single guys that just tramp around forever. I don’t want one, I don’t want to be one, but they’ve become so common. Maybe I’ve been watching too much “Sex In the City”, “Queer as Folk” and “Ally Mc Beal” for my own good.

On the other hand, I’m running into them very often in my social life. I just met Chris. He really gets around. He has many friends, and if you ask him where he met the friend, about half the time he’ll giggle and say “At a bath house.”

Maybe it’s just that guys in normal relationships don’t hang out at the bars.

I’ve also started cruising chat rooms. I don’t really know what I’m looking for. I’m kind of afraid that someone I know will see me and find out that I’m a bottom. As a result, I neuter my public-profile. I’m just a generic 30yo guy.

Why do I not want guys to know I’m a bottom? Maybe if I asked Harry to fuck me, he would have.

I’ve been thinking about taking out a personal ad. It’s hard to sum up yourself. I’ve got a digital camera now, so I can include a good photo. Once again, my phobia, of letting my friends know I’m a bottom, gets into the way.

What do I want? What makes me happy?

The Internet is great. I can whine to the world, but no one will here.

Oh yeah. Journal update. I still don’t have DSL.