I got together with Mark (Master Mark?) again last night. It was weird. We met at the Eagle and we had more than a few beers. He started doing the master/slave thing there. He collared me there, got me to take off my shirt and flex for him, and put me in handcuffs. It was half exciting, half weird. No one I knew was there, which was good because I definatly didn't want to be known.

The bartender said I looked good in the collar and congratulated me for being owned.

I spent the night at Mark's place. Not sure if I want to do that again. He wants to arange a 3-some, which is not something I like to do.

Marks place isn't what you expect. It doesn't look like a guys place. I'm not sure of the details; it sounds like his mother used to live with him but she died a few months ago.

When I checked my messages the next morning, Brian had called a couple of times and was wondering where I was.

I was over at Brian's last night. We got into a huge shouting match. He was venting about the Seattle traffic problems and how Microsoft has made it worse and he wouldn't stop. I got tired of listening to him after a while so I tried to shut him up. That didn't work. No matter what I tried to calm him down, he would get more and more agitated. Then my voice started to raise. Brian responded in kind. Finally, he just blew up. His face turned beet red and he kept shouting a long stream of curses and complaints. It was only after I started to leave that he calmed down.

Later on, he apologized for getting angry at me for something I have no control over.

The Code Red virus and it's varients have hit work. Some of my co-workers have had to rebuild their machines. I applied the patch a long time ago and haven't been hit.

Mark, the guy who wants to make me his sex slave, has contacted me again. He wants to get together this weekend. I'm half and half on this. He really wants to parade me around in public. I am not ready for that.

I just got off the phone with Harry. He's not totally happy with his new BF. Not that he his not in love or that their relationship is on the rocks. It's really just a personality difference. Harry is much more social than the BF. Harry likes to get out and do things-- hike, visit people, stuff like that. The BF is a real homebody. Harry said that he misses going out.

So, to win Harry back fairly, I have to be interesting. I have to live a good, fun life. This sounds like a plan I can stick with.

One of my work computers is dieing. Occasionally it will make a noise like a circular saw. I guess one of the hard drive bearings is going.

I bicycled a bit on Sunday afternoon. They've put a few new bike paths in Redmond, so I followed them around to see where they go. It's not really exciting. Mostly the weave behind strip malls and go no where usefull to me.

I worked out after cycling. Unless my shoulder kicks up again, I'm going to resume working out 3 or 4 times a week.

Brian wanted me to come over to his place. I said no and told him I wanted to go to the Cuff. Brian said he didn't feel like going out.

I went downtown to the Cuff. Who should be there but Brian. Bruce was also there, wearing his Utilikilt. We talked a bit. Brian and Bruce had been talking for a while. Brian said Bruce was a big hoot. Brian got a big laugh off of the kilt.

I circulated and talked to a few people that I only see at the Bars. I spotted a cute guy that I wanted to talk to, but he was occupied by friends. One of them may have been his BF.

Brian's friend Steve showed up at about 10pm. I told Steve that we had to get Brian another boyfriend. Steve looked at me like he didn't realize that Brian and I weren't really seeing each other.

Brian wanted me to come over Monday night, but I said no.

Friday, I worked out, and went to the Cuff. I ran into Bruce there. He was wearing a Utilikilt He thinks it's butch. I just shook my head. I also ran into Alan, and his partner Jake. I haven't seen them in a long time. Alan, Bruce and I all work for the same company. I haven't seen Alan in over a year.

Brian was also there. He invited me over to his place Saturday night, but I put him off saying that I had some friends to visit.

Satuday, I didn't do much during the day. At the evening, Frank (The guy with the car fetish) came over for dinner. It was fun. We had food. We had sex. We were in the middle of watching a movie when Brian called.

Brian was royally pissed-off when I told him I was having a date. We fought a little on the phone. Then I told him I had guest, and I had to go. Brian said that if I didn't go to his place, that he'd come over to mine.

Well. I guess I'm weak. I told Frank that a friend of mine needed to talk and have a drink, and asked Frank to leave. He was nice about it, and did so.

I drove over to Brian's. We fought on and off for about 2 hours. Brian wants a boyfriend so bad. He's very much in love with me. But I don't feel for him at all. I told him that we shouldn't sleep together, that it's slowing both of us down. Brian said he needs my support right now, cause he's going through a lot.

Brian and I ended up sleeping together. The next morning he made me breakfast and we watched the Blue Angels on TV. He wants me to come over tonight, but I told him no. I need to tell him that more often.

Well, I slept over at Brians last night. He's going through a lot of stress right now. The law suit against his former employer for wrongfull dismissal is next week. It looks like he's going to win, but it will be a slugfest.

Darren emailed and wants to get together again. I wrote back thanking him and said I wanted to see him again too.

Saturday, I've got another date with the car fetish guy.

I also met a lawyer online that I want to have a drink with.

Yes, I am a desperate jerk. I really want to meet a good man, and the bars just don't seem to work. So, I've turned into an internet slut.

A while back I placed online personals ads on a couple of systems. I've only had one reply back, from a woman, so I double checked that I placed the ads in the M4M sections. The woman only wrote "you are special." I replied to her "Thank You." She wrote back with "u r welcome"

I did have a date to night with another guy, Darren. It was good. I can't tell how attracted he was to me. He seems to be on the rebound from his last relationship. I'll write him and thank him for dinner, and see if there is more interest.

Brian wants me to come over tonight.

4

Kewl. I just paid to make my blog free of ads. It looks weird now. I subconciosly expect every web page to have a banner at the top. Maybe I'll find something, to fill the void.

Harry phoned today. A friend of a friend was looking for a job at Harry's company. Harry told me that his company has a hiring freeze on right now.

Afterwards we talked about our relationship and why it didn't work out. He said that if we tried again, it wouldn't work again. I told him no, that wasn't true. I also said that I loved him. He thanked me for saying so. I wished he and Chris (His new boyfriend) a good life.

I had a date last night. It was ok. I don't know if I'll fall in love with the guy but he's definatly in the right ball park. He's got a car fetish. He owns 10 cars, mostly weird european shit like Fiat, or Lada.

It felt good to be with a normal, non queeny, non violent man.

My parents are still here. They're just taking it easy and touring around. They are having a small problem with the trailer. The trailer battery is loosing it's charge after a day.

No, my parents aren't sleeping in the trailer. They are sleeping in my spare bedroom on a good bed.

Dinner went ok. Brian was on his best behaviour. After dinner we took a walk along the Kirkland Waterfront and had some coffee.

I'm back to work today, although my parents are still here. I think they're going to take a drive through the mountains.

Another routine tour-guide kind of day.

We drove to the Boeing tour. We got there at 10am, but the first free times were 1pm. So we bought our tickets and drove to the Mukelteo waterfront. We walked around for a while, had lunch at Ivars, saw the lighthouse and then drove back to Boeing.

I've done the Boeing tour 3 times now. It's ok, but nothing exciting. You see a couple of films about boing, then the drive you around the buildings, and tell you what they are for. Finally they bring you into the factory and let you watch from a balcony about 3 stories up from the floor. So, you don't really get to see that much.

We're having dinner tonight with Brian at the Foghorn. That will be interesting. Brian can have a very abrasive personality, especiaily around strangers.

My parents arrived at about 3pm on Saturday. We chatted a bit, had dinner at Becks, watched TV, watch "Contact" and then went to bed.

Sunday morning we went to the Seattle Aquarium, had all-you-can-eat pizza at God Father's and then watched two Imax movies "Mt. St. Helens" and "Island of Sharks."

We drove home in the afternoon, had a nap and some early supper. I had a hocky game at 7:30, so they came along and watched. We won 6-3. My game was fairly strong, especially considering I haven't played in two weeks.

When we got home we watched "The Iron Giant"

I should get a few more movies. They are good way to spend time with my parents without having to talk to them.

Brian wants to take my parents out to dinner tomorrow.

Last summer Harry gave me some roses that I dried and kept in vase. Last night I threw the roses out.

I went downtown to the Cuff. It wasn't that busy. I was in a bad mood, I didn't feel like talking to anyone. This fairly good looking man walked up to me, introduced himself and asked me if I was submissive and was interested in slavery. We talked a while and I agreed. I thought, "what the heck, why not. Try it and see what it's like" The guy, Mark, wanted me to take off my shirt at the Cuff, and let him handcuff me right there. I told him no, not till we were someplace more private. (Great slave I am) We walked back to his SUV. At the SUV, he asked me to take off my shirt. I did so, he handcuffed me. I sat in the SUV, and he blindfolded me for the trip. It was weird-- I didn't feel out of control, but I was trusting a stranger more than I should have. Physically I'm a very big man. (6'6'', 210lbs) So, it's very hard to intimidate me.

Spent the night at Marks. I slept in shacles. Mark wants to get together again. I don't know. Maybe.

My parents still haven't arrived.

I spent Wednesday evening with Brian. This time at his place.

My parents are arriving in Seattle this weekend. Probably on Friday. They are driving across the country.

I sort of had a date tonight. I met him a while back (more than a year ago) at the Eagle. Nothing happened then. He tracked me down over the internet. He was a nice enough guy, so I asked him out. We had a beer together and then went to his place and necked. We played around a bit but after a couple of hours we gave up and I went home.

He's covered with tattoos from head to toe. He's still getting more tattoos. When I asked him what he was doing on Sunday, he said he was going to the tattoo parlor to get one finished, and he pointed to a large unfinished tiger that was on his fore arm.

I didn't feel like being along last night, so I invited Brian over for dinner. He's having a tough time at work. He's doing a good job, but he's not handling the stress very well.

F now has a show on cable access TV. Bruce is producing it. The first eppisode was last night. F and a friend of his review movies. Not current movies, but older ones. Every week they pick a theme, and then review movies along the theme.

Oh yeah, I'm a permanent resident now.

I got the stamp on July 11. It took me half a day of waiting in lines to get the stamp.

I showed up at the INS office at 7:30. There was already a long line. The office didn't open till 9:30. The line was enormous by that point. I didn't get in the building till about 10:00. At that point, I got my number and sat down in a waiting room. My number wasn't called till 1:30pm. It took the guy all of 3 minutes to stamp my passport and process my paperwork.

Over the weekend something weird happened between Brian and Bruce. Neither will tell me really what happened. Both are making strange references.

Last Sunday, after Bruce picked me up at the airport, we went to the Cuff for a drink and ran into Brian. Brian mentioned something about running into Bruce at the Eagle and that Bruce put on quite the show. When I asked what happened, neither would say. Bruce said he drank so much he couldn't remember. As Bruce and I were leaving the Cuff, Bruce mentioned that, at the Eagle, he lost his temper with a guy and was ready to break is nose.

Last night Brian called me. He told me on Friday he went to the Eagle. Bruce showed up, was drinking a lot and kissing and talking to everyone. Eventually Bruce started talking to Brian. Bruce tried to talk about me but Brian didn't gossip. Eventually Brian told Bruce to go away.

Other than that, Brian said that Bruce isn't happy with his life and probably doesn't like it when Brian and I get together. He suspects that Bruce has a crush on me.


I had a internet date last night. He was a nice guy. He's going away for 10 days for vacation. When he get's back I think I'll try to get together with him. We'll see.

I'm back in Seattle now.

Saturday afternoon and evening, I went over to J&E's for a BBQ. My friend R was there. He just got back from a 6 week vacation in Iran (!!!). R was born in Iran but his parents left the country so that R didn't have to join the army. Now Iran has relaxed it's rules. expatriates no longer have to serv.

J&E went to Malaysia last spring. They bought dozens of pirated movies for $2.00 each. About half of them didn't work. We ended up watching a copy of "Heartbreakers" The copy was fairly crappy. It looked like some guy copied it with a video camera in a movie theater. You could hear the audience laugh. The movie was slightly tilted, and the left-most inch cut off.

Afterwards we played screw-your-neighbour (A card game) and Monopoly until 2 in the morning.

Next morning, I took J&E and their Baby J out for breakfast. Then they dropped me off at the airport.

The movie on the flight back was "Heartbreakers"

Bruce picked me up at the airport. We had dinner at Bimbo's and drinks at the Cuff. Then I went home, cleaned up a bit, and went to bed.

Today is my last full day in Toronto. In a while, I leave for a BBQ at J&E's. I spend the night there, and then fly out tomorrow morning.

Friday during the day, G and I tried to connect his two computers plus his cable modem, all together on one network. One of the computers is older, so we couldn't use anything out of the box. We failed. We could get the two computers talking to each other. or one computer plus the internet, but not all three.

We swam in the afternoon. It's very hot here right now. You just walk out side and within minutes you start sweating.

I went downtown and spent the evening with Liam. We had dinner at a new Indian restuarant and then beer at the Black Eagle. Nothing has changed at the Eagle in 4 years. Most of the old bartendenders are still there.

I was fairly popular at the Eagle. 4 or 5 guys came on to me. It was a good ego bost, but I wasn't in the mood to have a one night stand.

I ran into Paul who is an old friend of Bob, my ex. Bob and I lived together in 95/96, but then Bob left me for another man. I haven't really seen or heard from Bob since then.

Paul couldn't wait to dish out some gossip with on Bob. When I was talking to Paul he said "Have you run into anyone from your past. A.K.A. Bob" He then told me that Bob is dating a hot 23yo (Bob is around 44). Paul hinted that things were not going well. He said that "Bob was paying the price, if you know what I meen." I didn't know what he ment, but I didn't care to dig deeper.

Liam went home after the Eagle. I went to the Barn. There's another bar where nothing has changed. The Barn was too hot and to packed. I left, had some ice cream (The basken robbins on Church St is open till 3am) and then crashed at Liam's place.

In the moring, Liam and I had breakfast and then said our goodbyes. It could be a long time before I see him again.

Wednesday during the day, I toured around my old haunts. I walked by the apartment building where I used to live. It's still very run down. I used to live at the cross of Shuter and Sherbourne-- one block away from crack central. The rent was cheap and it was close to work.

Then I walked to Church and Wellesly, had lunch and drank a few beers at some of the bars I used to go to. Not much has changed. Even some of the bartenders were still the same.

I took the subway back up, and spent time over at M&S's. Later in the evening, I went to a softball game with S, J, J and F. I played one inning. The ball only came to me once.

After the game we had dinner at Jack Astors.

After Jack Astors, we had coffee at F's place. F just got a $4000 aquarium, so he's showing it off to everyone. It's kind of funny because his apartment is so small and the Aquarium is so big.

Today, G&J&Y and I went to the Fork's of the Credit River Provincial park. We hiked to the water falls. It was fun, but much work since we had to carry Y most of the way. Y has just started walking, so anything other than perfectly smooth ground is a challenge.

Drove back to Toronto, and I went downtown. I had dinner with Liam. Then we went to Woody's for a beer. Woody's was packed. Woody's was busier on a Thursday than I've seen Seattle bars on a Saturday.

Liam seams a bit unhappy. I think he wants a BF. He says he's happy being single, and just wants a couple of fuck buddies. But, I think his needs are deeper than that.

Most of the gang went to the Zoo on Monday. They re-did the gorilla exhibit. We also saw the polar bears and their cubs. It was weird hauling around 4 babies. It's a lot of work. After we drove home, I had a nap.

M&S are both unemployed right now. M should have to the skills to get a good job, however she'd rather stay home with their baby right now. S always seams to be loosing his job.

Monday evening, I went downtown, and had drinks with Liam. He's doing ok. We talked about the re-rise of AIDs in Toronto. One thing I noticed here, that I didn't see in Seattle was these very muscled guys with very thin faces, like their cheeks had collapsed. Liam said that for some guys who had been on the drug cocktails for 5 years, the cocktails would lose there effectiveness. The end result was that full blown AIDS is resurfacing. I didn't see this in Seattle, although I don't live in on Capital hill so I rarely see HIV+ guys. When I lived in Toronto, these guys looked healthy. It's only been with the passage of years that the change has slapped me in the face.

I moved to Seattle from Toronto 4 years ago now.

We also talked about maintaining friendships with straight couples after they have kids. Already my friends have changed a lot, and I have to put much more effort into our friendships. Liam told me that it gets even worse as the kids grow up. At least now, the babies aren't too mobile and can't talk. But in a year or two, the babies will be all over the place and my friends must be on constant guard. That's when they really change.

Even so, I will continue to put effort into staying friends with them.

Tuesday, G&J's baby Y, went to day care. G&J and I went to Ikea and bought some furinture. Then we went to Milestones and had a baby free lunch.

In the evening, we went over to J&J's for dinner. J&J also have a baby who is about 6 months younger than Y. Just as G&J were leaving, my other friends, E&J and M&S showed up with their babies. We sat around and chatted a bit more. G&J left early because Y was getting cranky. E&J left next. Finally, I walked M&S and their baby back to their place. Then I walked home to G&J's

So many babies.

I'm in Toronto now.

I flew a red eye from Seattle to Toronto and arrived Saturday morning. G&J picked me up at the airport, we drove back to there place where I slept a bit more. G&J have a baby, Y, Y has grown a lot from the last time I saw him. He's walking now. G also told me that J is pregnant again. I'm happy for them. I kind of want a kid. Being gay and never having stable relationships prevents that possibiltiy.

In the afternoon we went to a picnic at a friend, F's place. The guys were playing crockette on a huge field with parking lots all around it. If you wanted to, you could hammer your opponents ball dozens of meters away.

In the evening I went to Paul's dinner cruise. I've known Paul for years. It's his 50th birthday, so he rented a ship for a nice dinner cruise. I saw a lot of people I haven't seen in years. Many of them haven't aged gracefully. Some of them have. I ran into a guy, John, the I've been making googly eyes with for years. Unfortunatly, when he's single, I'm in a relationship, (or moving to another city) or vice versa. He's dating someone now, but it's a long distance relationsip. John and his BF will be in Seattle in mid August, so I'll see him then.

The cruise was beautiful. The Toronto skyline is georgus at sunset. A tall ship sailed past us as the sun was going down. I kicked myself for not bringing the camera.

Today all my straight friends came over to G&J's for a BBQ. Many of my friends now have baby's so we talked a lot about the kids. Someone lamented that all conversations turn into conversations about baby poo.

The kids are cute though. They are all between 6 and 16 months. Y is 16 months. He's just getting the concept of moving things around. When he was playing with a crockette hammer trying to hit the ball, he was kept swinging wildy and randomly.

Once when one of the babies fell off of a wagon and started crying, all of the parents (8 people) instantly stood up and clapped and cheered for the baby. When the baby saw the cheering parents, he stopped crying. The parents did this reflexivly, without thinking about it. Keeping their kids happy has become a second nature.

At night, G and I had a talk about careers and how we are both working for money but not love. Unfortunatly we don't know what we love. So we can't give up our jobs to go where our hearts lead us. When you are in this position earning lots of bucks is a good substitiute for happiness.

I went to a sex club tonight. Lately, my libido is going all out of control. It's starting to affect my work. I need a boyfriend, or something, badly.

First I was going to go to a different bathhouse down the street, but as I was walking to the building, I saw I guy I work with enter. I didn't want to get friendly with my work mate, so I kept on walking.

At the second club, I ran into Tom. Now, Tom is a friend of Brian's ex. So I'm wondering if my appearance at the sex club will get back to Brian. Cool gossip about Tom. Tom has been arrested 6 times for indecent exposure. He has a pubic sex fetish and keeps getting caught. At one point he was asking Brian for referrals to good lawyers. That's how I know all this.

Man-o-man I sound like a tramp.

Bruce has become something of a social butterfly. He's freuqently posting to the gay aliases at work. He's trying to organize a team for the upcomming company picnic. He's trying to drag a lot of his friends to the weekly gay's at work lunch.

He does too much gay stuff. I really don't want to be involved.

Last night I had dinner with Brian. It went OK. He told me that while he was in Florida some one stole his rental car ( a 2001 Cadilac Deville) He declined insurance on it, so now he's scrambling to make sure his home/auto insurance, or his credit card insurance covers it.

On Friday, I leave for Toronto for a week of Vacation. So, my posts may be a bit sporatic.

I had lunch with Bruce today. He told me why he was avoiding everyone. He said that a week ago on Tuesday he went to a sex party and had unsafe sex with a guy. The next day the guy told him he was HIV positive. He got tested the following Thursday, and the result came back negative. He has to get tested again in a couple of months to confirm that he is still that way.

Talked to Harry today. I think the glow is wearing off of his relationship. He mentioned that his BF works a lot, and that he had to remind the BF to spend some time with him. Harry said that all he did last weekend was work on the lawn. His birthday party was Saturday night, but not a lot of people showed up.

We talked about hiking and camping. He said he had a lot of fun last year when we went to the Greeder Lakes. I agreed.

I have to think now. If it's really going to end between Harry and the BF, I really have to be sure I want to be with Harry. No more jerking him around. On the flip side, all relationships go through good times, and bad times. Maybe they are just in a lull right now, and things will pick up.

I know I want to be with Harry. The question is, do I want to be with Harry for the rest of my life.

I'm stiff. I'm sore. I'm tired.

Over the weekend my softball team and I went to Portland for a tournament-- the Cascasde cup. We ended up playing 4 games on Saturday, and 6 games on Sunday. Even though I was constantly putting on SP30 sunblock I got a dark tan.

The short story... we placed second!

We arrived Friday night. I didn't stay out late because our first game was at 8am. We went to a couple of bars, Scandles and the Three Sisters, and then back to our hotel. Chatted for a while, and then went to bed. A couple of the guys pointed out that I sometimes, I am not very optimistic. I'm not negative, but I'm more of a realist than they prefer.

Got up at 6am the next morning. The fields was about 30 minutes outside of Portland, so we needed lots of time.

The tournament was 2 games round robin, followed by double elimination.

The first game was against Portlands #1 team, so we were a bit nervous. But... we won. A couple hours later, we played against the Huffin' Puffin from San Francisco. We lost. They are a very strong tream.

We played the next 2 games on astro turf. It was Hell. The Astroturf field was at least 20 degress warmer than the regular fields. The Astoturf was much more springy and flat than ground, so the ball bounced high and rolled for ever. You can't slide on Astoturf.

I'm not sure of where the next team was from. I think it was Vancouver. We won that game.

Then, we played the Huffin' Puffin again. We lost again. The Puffin was a very consistant team. They didn't have home run hitters, but they did have solid defense. Offensivly, none of them were very weak.

Since this game was part of the double elimination, one more lose, and we would be out of the tournament. Because of our mediocre first day, we earned a Sunday starting time of 8am. We were all tired, so we went bed early.

I don't remember the names of most of the teams we played on Sunday.

We won our 8am game, rested an hour, and then entered softball hell. We played 5 games back to back. The first three were on the Astroturf. It may have worked to our advanage, Since we played two previous games on the Astroturf, we knew how to handle it better. We won them.

The middle game ended weirdly. It was the bottom of the last inning. We were at bat. The score was tied. The bases were loaded. The piture ended up walking the batter. It was a very undramatic ending to a very tight game.

The next game was on real ground. We played against the Grumpy Puppies from Portland. Another close game, but we won. That gave us second place.

The Championship game was against the... Huffin' Puffin's! The Puffin's were very well rested. Because of their strong Saturday, they had only played one other game on Sunday. Well, we lost to the Puffin's again. We really broke down from exhaustion. It was hard running, it was hard catching, it was hard hitting. Plays that otherwise would have been easy took so much effort.

They ended up base hitting us to death. No monster home runs, just sold, simple hitting.

It was still fun. I didn't expect to take second place at all. After we lost 2 games on Saturday, I thought we would lose early on Sunday, and then just bumb around Portland for the day.

I drove back to seattle with one of my team mates, took a shower, ate a bit, and then hit the sack.

L and I went to my Company store today, so that he could buy some of our software for cheap. I thanked him for the hike yesterday. We talked about Bruce. Bruce has changed the message on his home answering machine, so he's still around. He's just playing hard to get.

We also talked about the other guys we hiked with. As I suspected, at one time or another, L had sex with all of the men. L has sex with everyone he knows. It's kind of weird. L and I have only had sex once, and back then, I was hoping to date him.

Many people are away on vacation. The freeway is quiet. There is plenty of parking at work.

Got my hair cut this morning. My barber asked me if I was a fireman for the city of Redmond. I said no. Later on he started running down "those fucking yuppies." I didn't mention that I was a yuppie. I'm not overly proud of it. There are a lot of normal guy jobs that I'd rather be doing. Unfortunately, they pay much much less than my cushy yuppie job. And while money isn't everything, it is still important.

Softball practice this morning. My catching is strong again. My hitting is almost back to normal. Afterwards, my shoulder was a little sore. If I stretch it, I'm ok.

Went hiking with L, and a bunch of his friends. We went along the middle fork of the Snoqualmie River. It was very scenic. Oddly enough, about two thirds of the people we walked by were gay or lesbian. One of the guys joked to L, "Where did you look up this trail, the Damron Hiking guide?"

Afterwards we had a BBQ by the river. L and I tried to go swimming. The Snoqualmie River is glacier fed so it's very cold. Maybe 50F. I intended to swim across the river, but when I got in and swam a bit, I could feel my muscles shutting down from the cold. It's a weird feeling. So I turned around, and hung out by the shore.

Where we hiked, there is a neat arch shaped footbridge over the Snoqualmie. Instead of walking on the pedestrian part of the bridge, I played dare devil, and climbed over the arch part of the bridge (I'll link a photo as soon as I get one)

I'd like to go there again. The directions are Exit 34 off of I-90. Go North. Take a right turn just past the Texaco station. Go 12 miles.

On the way back we planned on stopping at Twede's Cafe (The restaurant in Twin Peaks) for dessert, but it was closed. So we said good buy, and parted ways.

Something is up with Bruce. He hasn't returned my email, or my phone calls. L said Bruce was doing the same thing to him. So L called him up and left him a message basically chewing Bruce out. Bruce called L and apologized. L said that Bruce sounded bummed out about something. L asked if Bruce was going hiking with us, but Bruce declined, saying that he had a personal thing he had to deal with.

I just got of the phone with Harry. It was weird. He had a gay-lisp in his voice I don't remember hearing before. I also didn't miss him as I was did in the past. It makes me think that I've been pining for a fantasy Harry. That the real Harry is different and I'm not really attracted to him. That my real problem is that I'm lonely, and that Harry is the closest thing I've met to a guy I could settle down with. But, I'd be settling, I wouldn't really love him. I hope I convince my heart of that. I think I'm really out of touch with my emotions. I never know what I'm going to feel until my emotions slap me in the face.

I worked out fairly hard last night (Before going to the bath house) This morning I could feel my shoulder. It's much better than it was, but it's still stiff. I also had physio this morning-- ultrasound plus half a dozen tedious little exercises. They are reevaluating next me at my next appointment.

Ok, I did the nasty tonight. I went to a bath house and had sex with strangers. It's something I do once or twice a year. Lately, I've been reading so many personal adds, and trying to meet someone to date that it's seriously cutting into my time. I guess I'm a bit obsessive that way. It's frustrating. I was fairly sure that getting just one good BJ would cure me, at least for a while. Well, I got one good BJ.

Not that a BJ is a substitute for a relationship, but in a pinch it will do.

Didn't do much today. Had a lunch date with a guy I met on the internet. It was ok, but I don't think I'll ask him out again. I cycled a bit in the afternoon. Very close to my townhouse, some new townhomes just went on sale. A unit similar to mine is going for $80,000 more than I paid four years ago. Yikes! I knew Redmond real estate was hot, but I didn't think it was that hot. I just worked it out; that's 8% grown a year.

Went down town and had beer at Changes with my softball team. I left at about 7pm, and went to the Cuff.

We play in a tournament in Portland next weekend.

On Saturday, the Redmond Town Center had a vintage racing car show. It was cool. Lots of old Ford Cobras with a sprinkling of older Porches, Corvettes. Some of the older engines didn't have air filters. The air intake came from horns pointed directly at the wind scoop. It made the engine look like a music box.

Went to the Cuff Saturday night. Met a nice guy there. He's a bit over weight and he smokes, although he tried to hide that from me. We first met a few years ago. He said he was in a bad relation ship for the past 2 years. The guy ended up stealing about five thousand from him. I gave him my number, and told him to call if he wanted to play pool some night, but no dating; he is very much on the rebound. He agreed and said he didn't want to date anyone for the next four months.

Not much happened Friday. Bruce drove up to Vancouver. Brian is down in Florida.

I had softball practice. We scrimmaged with another team. It was the first time I played in about a month. My shoulder is ok. It was a bit sore afterwards, but stretching helped it.

Went to Changes after practice. Nothing happened there.

Went to the Eagle after Changes. The Eagle was playing trailers for sick horror movies. The previews had lots of blood, boobs and women being mutilated-- just what I wanted to see on a Friday night at a gay bar. I walked out to the patio, finished my beer, and left.

Avoid the following movies..."Last House on the Left" , "The Mad Doctor Of Blood Island", "Man From Deep River". There was also some movie about women in a Nazi convention camp, but I don't remember the title.

Played hockey again tonight. We won 6-5. I had a much better game. Two goals went in on my shift. They were both flooks.

Afterward we went out for beer at a bar next door to the rink. We talked to Spencer for a while. Spencer used to be a sub goalie for our team. He's now playing forward for the Starbucks' team. He's a great player.

Played hockey last night. We won 7-5. My cardio is all shit. Since my shoulder went out I've done very little to stay fit. Buy the end of the game I was dying. It hurt us too; I couldn't get into position fast enough, and it cost us 2 goals.

The game was scrappy. Two years ago, we kicked a guy, Keith, off of our team. He was too creepy, it was a co-ed team, and he flashed some of the women. He was also faught a lot.

Well, lots of good gossip about Keith has popped up. Keith sold a date with himself on ebay! I saw the newspaper article on it, I'd love to include a link here, but I can't find it right now.

In addition, two other people had played with Keith before, on different teams, and they both agreed that he was an ass.

So, last night, when we arrived for the game, Keith was there. He was playing on the other team. When he saw us he said "So this is going to be the battle of all ages."

For the most part we just played straight forward solid hockey. However every now and then, a few of us would single out Keith for some special attention. Nothing illegal. Just a bit more aggressive.

Well, Keith's temper got the best of him. at the end of the game, Keith dropped his gloves, and went at it with Jacob. Which is weird, because Jacob wasn't one of the guys working on Keith. The ref saw the whole thing. Keith got a 3 game suspension. Jacob only got a 6 minute roughing.

I slept over at Brian's last night. He's still very pissed off about being suspended for 3 days without pay. He's looking for ways to get his revenge on the apprentice. From what I gather, things aren't as bad as they sound. Two things happened. One-- the company has had a rash of safety problems lately, and upper management urged the lower management to hand out stiffer penalties. Two-- Brian asked for a week of vacation, but the company said they couldn't spare him the time. So, management found a way to combine the two. Brian could get his week off (Since he's a contractor, he wouldn't get paid anyway) and management would look like it's cracking down of safety problems.

That doesn't satisfy Brian though. He want's to come out looking perfect.

Brian's going to Florida for a week for his mothers wedding. He's video taping the wedding. While I was over, he was checking the video camera out to make sure it was working. He starting filming me, and asked me to do things like grab my crotch or take my shirt off. Well, to make a long story short, I ended up jerking off on camera for him. He had a big goofy grin on his face the whole time he was filming.

That night before we went to bed, he set the camera up on a tripod pointing at the bed. The next morning while we were having sex, he turned the camera on.

I wonder if this will come back to haunt me.

My shoulder is finally getting better. Last night, for the first time in two months, I worked out. It felt good. I still have a bit of a cold, so I have to take it easy. Brian wants me to sleep over tonight. He originally pushed for Wednesday night, but I have hockey Wednesday and Thursday.

Had physio this morning.

From Clark "I just want a gorgeous man to call my own... He just needs to be perfect for me." I know that feeling very well. It's been a very long time since I felt something more than 'like' or 'nice' for someone. There was Bob, but that ended years ago, back in 1996. When I first started dating Brian, I felt things for him. But that ended, probably for my own sake. I didn't want to put up with his temper and constant fighting. Finally there was Harry. I didn't feel much for him at first, so I ended it. But I started feeling more for Harry as time went on. Unfortunatly, Harry moved on and found someone else.

I wish I knew what my buttons were. I long time ago (1996) after Bob left me, a friend of mine said "Those feelings you have for Bob, don't come from Bob, they come from you. You will feel them again." I hope so. It's been so long.

Brian is on the war path again. Last week, Brian's apprentice burnt his arms while handling some 120/240 volt wires. The apprentice was far enough along that he was allowed to handled that level of voltage.

Today, Brian's company suspended him for 3 days without pay. Brian is livid. He's never had a safety violation before. I'm not sure who's in the right here. Brian fights everything. Just to make sure he doesn't have a black mark on his record, Brian is getting his lawyer involved.

I'm not sure what to think. I don't know how much apprentices have to be watched. Brian's got to be a little bit responsible, after all the guy was an apprentice.

My gut says to just roll with it. Shit happens. If he takes the days off, this whole thing will blow over by next week. Brian doesn't believe that. He's got to prove that he did nothing wrong.

This is yet another example of why Brian and I didn't last. He's got to fight everything, and have it his way.

Brian slept over Sunday night. So slap me.

My manager is away on vacation this week. She kept to work at about noon. When I saw her, she put her finger over her lips and went "Shhh." Then she walked into her office, and closed the door. I think she left about half an hour later.

I've got a bit of a cold. Last week, if I wasn't resting, I'd get a small sore throat. I guess last night, from sleeping with Brian (I always sleep like shit when I sleep with Brian) I didn't get enough rest, so the cold has started to blossom.

I've been exchanging mail with Clark Bull. He stumbled upon my journal, and told me about his.

Brian and I went hiking on Tiger Mountain and crawled around the caves

Afterwards we went to a BBQ at Janice's. It's Gay Pride Day day in Seattle, but neither of us wanted to go. Janice's BBQ was good. There was way too much food and beer; always a good sign. Afterwards we watched "Bad Blood" on TV. It was a fun, crappy movie. Kevin and Ryan were heckling it the whole time.

Brian has a good friend who's an apartment manger along the Pride Parade route. The entire apartment complex was throwing a big Pride party. When Brian told his friend that he didn't want to go, the friend was really upset. Brian hates being around anyone nelly. I'm a little more tolerant of that, but still, it's not my favorite way to spend a Sunday afternoon.

Ok, longer story about last night. It's pride weekend in Seattle. So the bars were packed. I went to the Cuff, when I got there, the lineup was around the corner. It took about 15 minutes to get in.

Inside, I ran into J&C. Now, J&C always insult Harry; call him Mullet-Head, tease him for falling in love. A couple weeks ago while I was talking to Harry, I mentioned that J&C really weren't nice people. Harry asked what I meant and I told him that they tend to run guys down. Harry if they ran him down, and I said yes.

Now, Harry and his boyfriend where out last weekend, and ran into J&C. Apparently Harry tried to pick a fight with J&C, starting off with "Barry said that you were spreading shit about me."

Well, Saturday night, J&C both mentioned this to me. They said they didn't mind because it was easy and fun to stand up to Harry and insult him to his face.

So J&C really aren't nice people. But I shouldn't tell one; if I do it will get back to me.

As mentioned earlier, I didn't meet any one that I'd want to ask out on a date.

Brian and I are going hiking today. He called me last night at about 2:30 and asked if he could come over. I told him to stay away.

Frustration again. Went to the Cuff. Had a bad night. Only saw one guy that I wanted to meet. He went out of his way to not notice me.

Brian called at about 1:30am I guess he wants to sleep with me. I didn't answer the call.

It cleared up Friday, and I went kayaking. I scooted around the North tip of Lake Sam; from Idylwood Park, across the top, across Marymoore park, and then back to Idylwood. It was cool. There are several herons in the wetlands along Marymoore. Four were out sunning themselves on the rocks and logs jutting out of the water. I kept trying to sneak up on them, but they're smarter than that. When I got within ten meters, they'd take off. I suppose it doesn't help that my kayak is bright yellow.

Next time I'll bring a camera.

Had dinner with L. and Mark. It went well. That last time I had dinner with those two, Mark was obnoxious. This time he was pleasant. Dinner was at Siam on Broadway, followed by Coffee at Starbucks.

Mark took off early and went home. L. and I went to the Cuff. L introduced me to a few of his friends and we chatted for a while.

Ran into Terry. We talked a bit. I still want to date him, but I don't think he's interested anymore.

Ran into Brian. In fact I went home with Brian. He wants to go hiking with me, but I keep putting him off.

At noon I got together with the guy who replied to my yahoo ad. He was nice. We had sex. Not sure what else will happen.

We shipped a Service Pack, so Thursday they threw us a big party and gave us Friday off. I dropped out of the party by noon and hung around my place for a while then bicycled for a bit. I also posted a personal add on Yahoo.

I spent most of the evening surfing the internet and chatting.

Friday morning, I got my first reply from the yahoo ad. We'll see.

Brought my truck in for servicing. My service manager is very cute. Too bad he's married. Bruce met me for breakfast. There were a lot of hot straight guys at the restaurant. Why can't there be more gay guys like that? What is about being gay that makes many guys go nelly. Also, the gay guys that look tough, for the most part, are just putting on an act. It's the old hairdresser in leather thing. The closest thing I've met to a normal ordinary guy is Brian. Too bad I can't put up with his temper or his fighting.

Bruce is almost ready to go back to work. Although, it sounds like the surugery didn't work out that well. He's still having problems sleeping at night.

It's raining today. I wanted to go kayaking, but now, we'll have to wait and see.

Had physio Tuesday morning. She gave me a few new stretches and applied some ultra sound.

Work was pretty boring.

Ate dinner at home Tuesday night.

Brian called me up. (Not the Brian I met in L.A. but the Brian I broke up with about a year ago) At work, his apprentice slipped handling some high voltage line and now has second degree burns on the bottom of his arms. Brian had to take him to the hospital.

Brian is royally pissed at the apprentice and will probably hold the guy back a level. Brian also talked about firing him. One of the linemen agrees with holding the apprentice back. The apprentice is far enough along that he shouldn't need to be watched while he handles live wires.

I've got a hands-free/head-set phone that Brian calls my fag phone. When Brian calls me, I put it on, and wander around the house, doing what ever I need to do. Brian talks and talks and talks/ Every now and then he'll pause, which is my signal to say "yeah." Brian then picks up and keeps talking again.

Brian says he's been offered the job of group-forman at his company. It pays $170 000. He's not sure that he wants to take it. But for 170, it's hard to say no.

Today, in the mail, I was notified that I was approved as a permanent resident. Now all the INS has to do is manufacture my green card!

Wow. Much has happened.

Wednesday night, I went out with Eddie. He's a nice guy, but I doubt anything is going to happen.

Thursday, I flew of to L.A. to spend the weekend with Andy. Right off, Andy set the goal of getting me laid 4 times in 4 days. Andy is in a gay bowling league on Thursday's, so that's what we did first. I didn't play (Cause you have to be a leauge player) So I hung around, chatted and ate dinner. Met some nice guys, but nothing happened.

We went out for a drink at the Oil Can, and then went back to Andy's place.

Friday we went to the L.A. County Museam of Art. It was cool. I saw the "This is not a Pipe" painting. We also saw a Winslow Homer exhibit. We didn't tour the whole museum. It's fairly large, and we got tired out after a couple of hours.

We went home, napped, and went out to meet up with a couple of Andy's friends (Steven and ???) for dinner and drinks. Drinks at the Cobalt Lounge. Dinner at some Mexican Restaurant, and then drinks at the fault line.

Last week, Andy and Steven had a first date. So, Friday night was kind of a second date. It didn't go well. Andy payed Steve some attention, but Steve didn't reciprocate. As the night went on, we figured out that Steve is attracted to bears. This is really strange, because Andy is anything but a bear. So now we are wondering why Steve asked Andy out at all. At the Faultline, Steve and his friend went off and did their own thing.

After a while, Andy said he was going to leave me there to fend for my self. He was going to a twink bar. (The fault line is much more of a men in Jeans and t-shirt's bar) I ended up meeting a guy, and going back to his place. But, we did have fun in bed. Afterwards, he immediatly got dressed and told me he'd drive me home. I was kind of annoyed. I was hoping to sleep with him.

When I got back to Andy's he wasn't there. He showed up a couple hours later. We talked the next morning. He got laid too. But, he had a bad experience. Apparently the guy bit a lot (He had some bruises) and the two didn't really get along. The guy asked Andy for his number, but Andy lied that he had a boyfriend, and that "The circumstances to not permit me to do so." I think Andy was probably bummed that he was dropped by Steve, and picked up any guy that would do.

Saturday, we went to Venice Beach. I got a good sunburn. Went shopping in the afternoon. I bought new running shoes, and sun block. We went back to Andy's, napped, and then went out for dinner at a restaurant called Mark's..As I walked in, a guy at the other end of the restaurant, sitting with another man, pirked right up and smiled at me.

While Andy and I ate, the guy got up and went to the bathroom. He walked really slowly, and kept looking at me. I didn't notice it, but Andy did, he pointed it out and told me to go. So I did. Apparently, I got up so fast, that the waiter went over to Andy, and asked him if I was ok.

At the bathroom, the guy and I talked. He was in L.A. with his partner on busness. They were going to the faultline later, and hoped to meet up with me. As the guy went into the (single person) bathroom, he motioned for me to join him. I told him no thanks.

After dinner, Andy just dropped me off at the Faul Line, and went out to his own bar to cruise. It was an O.K. night. I met a better looking guy, with a great body, and went home with him. The sex was better too. Afterwards, while we were in bed, he turned to me and said "You know, if you want me to, I'll drive you back to your place." I wanted to sleep with him too. I looked at him for a second, and then told him Ok. I gave him my home phone, and email address. I doubt I'll here from him.

The next day was L.A.'s gay pride. A friend of Andy's, Paul, through a pride party. About 20 people showed up. We chatted and had fun. Paul lives about 1 block off of Santa Monica (The parade route) so it was easy to go to Paul's get a drink, and hang around in the A/C for a while, and then walk back down to the Parade. I met another friend of Andy's there, Brian. Brian is a doctor. He was a nice guy, and fun to talk to.

After the parade, Brian invited some of us over to his house for drinks. We went. Andy flirted with some guy. I forget who. Sunday was the first time I ever saw Andy flirting around. In Seattle, I never met his boyfriends. On top of that, he didn't have many dates.

We got drunk and climbed a magnolia tree in Brian's back yard.

Later on I told Andy that if I lived in L.A., I'd probably ask Brian out on a date. Andy was kind of suprised, he didn't think Brian was really my type

Lots of little things happened. I want to say them all, but don't feel like writing too much more.

This is what I want to say in bullet form...
-Andy is happy living in a very gay city only talking to gay people. That's not really what I want. I like my straight friends. I like straight acting guys. I don't want to live in the middle of a big city. I like being close to the mountains and rivers.
-If I moved to L.A, I probably would get married very fast. It's frustrating, living in Seattle, and only meeting guys where the best I can say is "He's ok, I'll have a date with him, and see what happens." In L.A. For the first time in a long time, I met very attractive men.
-After I met a husband, I'd move away from the city.
-I don't like having tricks. I want to build a life with a man.

Of course Dave and I didn't get together on Tuesday. He left me a message on Monday. I returned the call. I called him on Tuesday and left a message. He didn't return the call. This happens every time we try to get together.

I'm still seeing Eddie tonight.

I talked to Harry today. He's doing ok. He wants me to have lunch with his boyfriend. I still miss Harry.

I started physiotherapy Tuesday morning. They have me doing lots of stretches and little weight exercises.

I am now regretting accepting the dates from Eddie and David. Why can't my moral compass be faster than my libido?

Just got a call from Eddie. We are going out Wednesday evening. Why can't I ever get just one date at a time?

What would Freud say about dating someone, and their ex in the same week?

Later on Sunday afternoon, I went kayaking on the Snoqualmie.

Drove downtown Sunday evening, and hung out with some of my Softball team. We watched "The Sum of Us". It was an OK gay movie staring Russel Crowe.

Went out to the Cuff later on Sunday evening. Met Brian's friend Steve, and his new boyfriend David.

Side story on David. Brian told me this. Last week, Brian, David and Steve were having dinner at Steve's place. when Brian said he spent 4 months in jail for his DWI's, David chipped in that he once spent 5 years in prision. Brian asked him "For what?" David replied "For child molestation." At that point Brian pulled up a chair and started to interogate David. Apparently David was once married, and his wife was having sex with this 13yo kid. One time, David gave the kid a BJ in the shower. The kid kind of freaked and told his parents. Brian's not to sure about truth of the storey. He said you don't get 5 years for giving a 13yo a BJ.

Back to my life. Last Friday M introduced me to a cute friend of his, Eddie. I don't remeber much about Eddie, but today I received an email from him, apologizing for how rude he was. Which is weird, because I don't remember him being rude. I don't remember much of him at all. I'm not sure how he got my email address either. Maybe a friend.

Now, another dating circle... last November I had a date with David (a different David that the one I mentioned above) I ran into David Sunday evening, and we talked about getting together again. He said that we were both shy, so we would have a hard time talking to each other. We've agreed to get together Tuesday Evening.

Back to Eddie. Eddie is David's ex. Apparently Eddie moved from San Francisco to Seattle with David, and then David left Eddie for another man.

Last night I went over to Brian's for dinner. We watched the Stanley Cup finales (3-1 Colorado) and then went to Pegasus for Dinner. I don't know what it is about Brian, but the part of his brain that judges portion size is dead. When ever I eat at his place, he always makes enough food for 5 or 6 people. He then throws the leftovers out because he never eats leftovers.

It was the same with Pegasus. Every time we go there we leave with boxes of food. I wanted to just order a medium pizza, and a side salad, but he was sure we were more hungry than that. He ended up ordering two salads, an order of garlic bread, and a large pizza.

We left with half of it in a box.

Afterwards we went to Juanita Bay Bar and Grill for two drinks and watched some track and field on ESPN. He started talking about his old employer, and convinced himself that they are Satan, and that he has to bring them down for the good of the world.

Spent the night at Brian's. I know I shouldn't have. We talked about it, and decided that we will never be lovers, but sleeping together every now and then is ok.

In the morning, Bruce, Ryan, Jen and I went drove to Duvall and had breakfast at a Duvall Firefighters fundraiser. It was $6.00 for all you can eat pancakes, ham and eggs. It was kind of fun. We had breakfast, chatted with a few of the locals, and got some latté's, chatted some more, and then left. Bruce signed up to be a volunteer firefighter. That will be interesting, considering that he lives 90 minutes away from Duvall.

We had this bizarre conversation about what it's like to get sex change, without changing the sex you are attracted to. Why would you be a man, who wants to be a lesbian? We know of a post-op transsexual who is like that. I might be a gay man, but I am very happy with my penis. I enjoy being a man. I feel no need to be feminine just because I'm attracted to guys. On the flips side, I am not attracted to feminine guys. I can go into any redneck bar, and no one would know that I'm gay. So the big mystery is, why do so many gay guys act queeny? Why do some guys feel they need to chop off their penis?

Went to the Cuff last night. It was a dissapointing night. A while back, I met this nice guy. At the time he worked at a quarry. I gave him my number, he told me I was cute, but he never called me.

Well, I ran into him again last night. He said he quit his job at the quarry, and is now a truck driver. He also said he has a boyfriend and that he lost my number. But, he wanted to have my number again. I told him I didn't want him to call me, and that he should track me down when he was single.

Ran into M and we talked a while. M introduced me to a friend of his. The friend is cute, and gave me his number. I'm not sure I'm going to call though. It was weird talking to him. The friend was always trying to psycho analyze things and act like he was smart. It wasn't very impressive.

Skipped softball last night because of my shoulder. Although, I did go to hockey pratice this morning. Hockey is much easier on the shoulders than softball, although I did make one or two plays that hurt.

Driving Bruce to his angiogram was a big pain. I drove him to the hospital, but reception couldn't figure out where he was supposed to go. So, we waited around for 20 minutes while they called half a dozen different places. Finally, we found out he had to go up two floors. So, I dropped him off, we said goodbys and I left. As I was just about to hit the freeway, Bruce called me on the cell. The hostpital overbooked and couldn't take him. I turned around and picked him up. We had lunch at the Phildelphia Hogie place on Madison, then I drove Bruce home, and I drove back to work. A great way to waste two and a half hours.

Afterwork, I watched the Hockey game with Ryan and Jen at the 8th St Bar and Grill. It was game 6. Colorado won over Jersey, 4-0. So, it's on to game 7, Saturday night at R&J's place.

I installed the shower head that Brian gave me.

Went over to Brians last night. He bought me a new showerhead. One time, when I was showering over at a friend of his, I commented how nice his friends shower head was. The shower head is about 8 inches in diameter and full of holes. So, last week when he was in a hardware store, he ran accross one. So he bought it for me. It told me that the gift didn't mean anything. I hope so. He wants to do something together this weekend, but I told him I was busy.

I start physio on my shoulder next Tuesday.

Bruce has his angiogram today. I'm driving him downtown.

Just farting around tonight. Played Black and White for 90 minutes. Ate dinner-- leftovers.

Planning my trip to L.A. It's L.A's pride weekend. Andy is planning a pride party.

At work I've got an interesting design project ahead of me-- it's an important part of how to make our software scale to millions of users. My problems are half technical, and half political. I have to convince people that I'm not smoking crack, and that the changes are all good.

I'm on the phone with Brian. He wants to sleep here again. He slept here last night. I want him to stay away. He's also going on about his new job, his lawsuite against his old employer, and his sisters new boyfriend. Mostly I'm just agreeing and saying "yeah"

At his new job his a forman. He's earning bigger bucks now-- $125,000. I think the reason he earns so much is that he doesn't take no for an answer. He keeps at you till he gets what he wants.

He's got a big law suit going against his old employer. He's going for blood. He's suing for $15,000,000.00 He's doing it for spite, just as much as for money. I don't know how much he'll actually get. The old company fired him when he was in jail (for a couple DWI's). He was in jail on work release. The company said that Brian couldn't work the required over time, but he has a letter from Washington State Corrections saying that any time the company asked then Brian would be released to work.

I talked Brian out of sleeping here tonight. I told him my shoulder is still very sore, and I just want to sleep alone, which is true. If I don't give a good reason why we shouldn't sleep together, he doesn't let up.

Talked to Harry today. Nothing much new in his life.

Talked to Gord and Jen today. Their house renovations are almost complete. They've gone through 3 bathroom sinks because they can't find one that fits.

Didn't do much Saturday afternoon. It rained so I didn't go kayaking. Instead, I watched Contact and played Black and White. I also bought groceries.

Now, my HR guy, at work, is kind of cute, and we always nod hello to each other. He was by himself at the supermarket. (and we nodded hello to each other) I'm going to walk buy his office and try and figure out if he's gay. I haven't been close enough to him to see if he's got a ring on his finger.

In the evening, I drove downtown, and had dinner with Bruce at the Satelite Grill. After dinner I had a bottle of Calestoga a C.C's. Then I drove home. I was fairly tired, and not in the mood for the scene. On my way home, I let out two or three frustration screams. I just yell at the top of my lungs for a few seconds. I want to feel something for someone so badly. Just a little bit of pasion. It doesn't have to be mind blowing love, just something more than "He's nice, I'd do him."

Slept in late, till about 9:30am. Called my parents, and talked to my brother. I also called Gord & Jen.

It rained overnight, but softball is still on for this afternoon

I got another letter from Tommy. He's been reading my journal. He said I lead a fairly interesting life. Which is odd, because I've been thinking that I've got to go out and do more. I don't want to grow old cursing myself for not doing things when I was young.

Friday night I went out. Harry wasn't there. Weirdly enough last night was the first night I didn't miss him. When I left the Cuff I didn't frustration scream.

Bruce was there. He had his boots done by the boot boy. It was weird. His face looked like he was getting a good BJ..

I ran into Brian. When I left, he told me to keep more door open. But, he called at 3am and told me he was too drunk, and was staying downtown. I'm glad.

Had breakfast with Bruce at Vans.

I had sex with two guys this morning. One was a guy that I've seen on and off for a while. He called me up, and asked if he could come over. The second guy was someone I met on the internet a while back.

I'm going to go kayaking this afternoon.

Oh yeah, I got a comment from someone reading my jounal...Tom Thompson. he's got a journal too... http://tommy71301.diaryland.com

The date with Roger was ok. We had dinner at Six Arms. During dinner, the lady in the booth next to us started crying. We thought she was getting dumped, but later on she started to calm down. Maybe she just had to let something out.

Roger is nice, but I'm not going to fall in love with him. He's fairly queeny when you get to know him. Plus, he doesn't seem to do anything other than work and hang around. He doesn't own a car either. He changes jobs, and moves apartments about once a year-- very different than me.

Harry mentioned that he and his boyfriend might be out tonight; probably the Cuff. I'll try and track them down.

Softball practice was canceled this evening.

Bruce just called. Next week he is having an angiogram.

Tuesday I had dinner at Brian's. I slept there too. He asks me why I never call him. I avoid answering. I wish he would clue in. The 2nd last time I refused to sleep with him he threatened me and put his fist through my wall. That last time I refused, he told me that pay back was going to be a bitch. Either I get a restraining order to keep him away from me, or I put up with him. With his legal problems right now, the last thing he needs is a restraining order.

Roger is back from vacation. We talked Tuesday Evening and decided to have dinner on Thursday.

Now, I've got to grow up. I've been missing one ex & sleeping with the other. I hope things work out between Roger and I. On the phone it was hard talking to him. We'll see how things go on Thursday.

I've cut back on my work outs this week. My right shoulder is hurting, so I'm going to let it heel before I push it. I'm still cycling.

Thursday evening I had beer with Bruce at the Workshop.

Friday, Bruce, F and I went to costco and bought food for the BBQ I threw on Saturday. Spent about $200 bucks on burgers, chick brests, beer, liquor buns. Later on we went to Bruce's place and watch Dark City.

Saturday I cleaned up my house and bought the last of the stuff for the BBQ. People started showing up at about 6:30pm. About half of my softball team came, plus a couple of F's friends that I met before, plus Ryan, Jen, Jason, Peg, Tom, Joy, L and Davit.

My softball coach, Bobby, volunteered to do most of the BBQing. I owe him big thanks for that.

Bruce and F gave me a DVD player as a present. Ryan, Jen and L gave me gift cirticates for DVD's. I have to thank them big time.

Most of the people left by 11:30. At about midnight, another guy, Jas, from my softball team showed up. Bruce, Chris, Brian, Bob and Jas and I watched "This Hour has 22 Minutes" untill about 1am. Then most of the guys left. Bruce, Jas and I cleaned up, and then Bruce left. Jas and I had sex. I probably shouldn't have done it, but I was drunk, and he was working me.

Sunday, Bruce and F came over. We finished cleaning up, and I cooked them lunch. We watched the BMW films, and then they left. I went to softball practice. After practice, I had dinner at CC's and then went to the Cuff. The rest of my softball team showed up at the Cuff at about 10pm. I stayed till 11:30, and then went home. It was packed. I don't think anything is going to happen between Jas and I.

I slept in Monday morning. Played Black and white till 1pm. Went to target and bought a couple of DVD's; Contact, and The Iron Giant.. Went to another Softball practice. Bruce showed up for this one. Afterwards, Bruce, Bob, Jas and I went to Changes for a couple pitures of beer. Then, Bruce and I left for the Eleisan, had dinner and more beer there.

Bruce and I drove back to my place. He had to burn a couple of CD's on my computer. At about 11pm Brian called up, and invited him self over.

Wednesday, I talked to Harry. At lunch, at the cafeteria, I ran into his boyfriend Frank. We mumbled a few words to each other. Later on, he email me asking if I wanted to have lunch. I waited till today today, and then replied saying yes, I could have lunch, just schedule me in.

Wednesday evening, I went over to Brians for dinner.

Friday night I went out to C.C's. I was supposed to meet Bruce there, but he didn't show up. He's still to tired from his surgery.

Friday morning I had breakfast with Bruce at Van's. Afterwards we went to Home Depot-- I needed some rope for the kayak. The pain killers are affecting bruce in a sort of weird way. He's not acting stoned, but he is bullshitting much more. He is also acting more insecure. He talked to a guy about buying a BBQ. He went on about how after kayaking he might have 6 or 7 guys over at his place wanting to eat. Well, that's bull shit. He's kayaked less often than I have. He's never had more the 2 guys over to his place.

Then as we were waiting in the check-out line, he remeber that we needed a 2-inch hole saw for my drill. So, I went back and got one. When I came back so quckly, he was supprized. He asked me if I sure I knew what I was doing. He wanted me to go back, and to run it by a sales guy. I told him no. It was a $3 drill bit. I didn't need advice.

Now, the reason I bought the hole saw is that Bruce needs some holes drilled in a entertainment center of his. When I tried to give him my drill, and the hole saw, he came up with all kinds of reasons why he couldn't do it and told me that I had to come over and do it for him. That was kind of weird.

Saturday evening I went out the the Cuff, and met up with Bruce. He bought a pitcher for us, but I only had one glass from it. The Cuff was fairly crowded, I talked to a few guys, but nothing happened. I really don't enjoy talking to strangers. There are probably many nice guys out there that I'm just not going to meet, because I don't like talking to someone that I don't know.

Sunday I played softball. We lost the first game 30 to 28. We won the second game 22 to 4. These games are strange. poor defense slugfests.

Sunday evening, the softball team went to R Place. It was my birthday, so the guys bought me a lot of beer. At about 9pm we went to the 611 Supreme for dinner. We went back to R Place afterwards. I met a room mate of one the guys on my team; his name is Roger. He seams to be a nice guy. I gave him my number and we kissed a bit. He called me back Monday evening, but I was away from home.

Monday evening, I played hockey. We won 8 to 5. It was mixed. I didn't play my best. Some of the guys from the softball team showed up to cheer us on.

Tuesday morning I called Harry to say hi. Got his answering machine. If something is going to happen between Roger and I, I have to stop thinking about Harry, otherwise it will ruin things. On the other hand, I've dated many guys once, but then nothing happened. Roger could end up like that as well.

Tuesday I brought Bruce in for sinus surgery. I dropped him off at about 9am, and picked him up at 12:30. He's ok, a bit tired. He has to take lots of pain killers.

Spent wednesday night at Brian's. I know I shouldn't, but it's easier than telling him no.

Monday, back to work. Played hockey monday night. We lost 6-5. Our goalie is very weak. We need a new one badly. We can't trust her at all, if they shoot on the corners, it goes in.

Thursday, I went out for beers with the gang from work.

Friday, work had a BBQ, later on I went downtown to the RPlace, and the Eagle.

Saturday, I bought a Kayak!. Bruce and I had breakfast. ran a couple of errands, and then decided to go to Pacific water sports. When we got to PWS, we weren't too impressed. They just moved stores, and everything was disorganized. We looked around a bit, and then left. We drove down to a work wear place in Kent, and bought some jeans and shorts. On the way back, we saw this little kayak/canoe store by the road. When we drove it, it was closed, but a lady, Kim, inside saw us, and opened the place for us. It turned out that the store was the Easy Rider Kayak factory. Kim was a very good sales woman. I saw this little fiber glass kayak that I liked, and Kim told me it was $900.00 Other fiber class Kayak's I've seen, start at $2000.00, so I asked here why this was so inexpensive. She told me that I wouldn't be getting a full control rudder. That the kayak didn't have bulkheads, and that it needed $60.00 for front and rear floats. I mulled about it for a while, and then bought it. I was expecting to pay about $1000.00 for plastic, so $900 for fiber glass was great. I don't really need the bulkheads. The full rudder might be nice, but I can do without it.

Sunay, I played softball. 3 games. First game, I got softball right in my lower jaw. It was a pop up. I went to get it, but didn't call it. The other fielder ran into me, and the ball hit my jaw. My lip is fairly badly cut. It's not bleading any more, but for a few days, eating is going to be challenging. I at out the rest of the 1st and 2nd games. We won the first game, and the second game. We lost the third 19-18. It was a close game.

Monday evening I cleaned up. I also worked out. My biceps are comming along. I can now do 3 reps with two 50lbs dumb bells before I have to switch back to the 35lbs bell. It wasn't too long ago that 35lbs was taxing.

Tuesday evening we had a hockey practice. We're going to have an OK summer team. The only real problem is that we have a new woman who wants to be a goalie. Unfortunatly, she is very weak. Ryan and Jason are playing this summer. I drove Ryan to the arena and we chatted about work. He's been promoted to dev lead at his new project. I'm happy for him. I have to spend more time with Ryan. He's mostly a good constructive person.

Wednesday, Bruce wrote me, and told me that he and F. have broke up. They are fighting too much. Bruce and I are going out for beer tonight to talk about it. I hope he doesn't make a pass at me.

Much to Bruce's happyness, PS has asked that L not show up at PS anymore. L wasn't doing enough work.

I've been thinking a lot about Harry lately. I don't feel bad about him any more, but I still miss him.

Friday, Mark called. He said he's going to be out of town on Business for a couple of months. He told me he wanted to call me and keep in touch. We'll see. I think that he just doesn't want to date me.

So, I was out at the Cuff friday night, and I ran into Terry, the lawyer. Last summer I met Terry and wanted to date him, but I was seeing Harry at the time. I messed around with Terry, and told him I was single, but he found out I was dating. I apologized for being a jerk. He said he respected that.

By the time I ended things with Harry, and tracked Terry down, he was dating someone else.

While Terry and I were talking, he mentioned that he's been single for the past 3 months. I was, I don't know, regretful, when I heard that. We talked a bit more and then went our separate ways. Later on, I tracked him down, and said "Ok, I'm thick. One question, yes or no. Do I have a shot at dating you?" He paused a minute and then told me that he didn't want to date anyone right now, that he needed some time to figure
out why he fell for the last guy.

Sigh. Part of me thinks that story was a glorified "no". Part of me is now plotting to try and go out with Terry.

Saturday, Bruce, F and I went kayaking; sort of. We rented kayaking, but something happened between Bruce, F and the salesman. While I was waiting by the creek, F came up to me and told me that Bruce wasn't going anymore. Bruce had exploded, and was leaving. I went to try and talk to Bruce, but he was speeding out of the parking lot by the time I got there.

F and I kayak'd up to Marymoor, and then back. He bitched to me about Bruce. Apparently Bruce has done this several times, and he doesn't know how to handle it. Hopefully Bruce's mood will improve after he's had surgery. Bruce told me he rarely gets more than 4 or 5 hours of sleep a night because of his apnea.

Saturday night, I went out to the SeaWolf, and the Eagle. Didn't meet anyone interesting.

Sunday I played softball. We lost our first game. 7-5. It served us right. In the 'D' level, we have become the team to beat. Not that that means very much, because hey, it's D level. The first team was so intimidated by us, that they ran 2 extra practices the previous week. Too many of our players were getting unjustifiably cocky. Loosing is just the kick in the pants we need.

We won the second game 14-6

After the game, almost all the softball players went to the Cuff. I talked to a couple of guys who seemed nice, but I didn't bother exchanging numbers. I also ran into a guy who knows Harry and his new boyfriend. He really ran Harry down, called him a gold digger, and tried to prove it to me. He said he suspected Harry left me because I wasn't giving him enough money. I told him we broke up for other reasons. This guy was not a good man. Harry is not a gold digger. Now that I think about it, I've never heard this guy say anything good about anyone. I'll put him on my people to keep half an eye on.

I don't really like my softball team. Several teammates are bitchy queens. We went out for dinner Sunday evening, and they trashed everyone and anyone. They always start off with a small compliment about someone, and then they proceed to run him into the ground.

After diner, I went to Bruce's place. We watched "Further Tails of the City" It's really cheap drama. I didn't really like it. F said that most of it would be lost on me because I missed the first 12 hours. He's probably right.

Harry and I talked today. He said things were going well with his new boyfriend. He told me that I was a good man and that I'd eventually find someone. I told him he had a big heart.

Wow, reading over this, I sound like a bitch queen.

Talked to Bruce. Bruce and F faught last night. F wanted to watch Survior, but Bruce had tickets to a concert. So, Bruce went alone, later on F called Bruce to justify his actions. They faught. Bruce went out drinking, and closed down the Seawolf.

I'm kind of worried about Bruce's drinking. He drinks more than I do, and I drink a lot. He's having problems sleeping right now, he's going in for nose sugery on the 15th.

Tonight afterwork we are having a pitcher of beer, or maybe two. I'm going to try and keep it to one.

Still playing B&W. I'm on the second island.

Harry called yesterday. I got kind of nervious when I talked to him. Harry called me for a friend who wanted to know about MP3s and making CD's. He also told me that I could call him any time I want. I'm hoping that he really wanted to talk to me, and that he used this as an excuse to ring me up.

I had lunch with Mark today. He's nice guy, but a bit irratic. One minute he's all happy and tough acting, the next he's kind of depressed. He seams to have a lot of buttons. We were walking under scaffolding when he got all panicy. He told me that he knew how scaffolding was put together, and that it's always unsafe. So, he walked away from the scaffolding, and told me to do the same.

I'm not sure what I want to do with Mark. If a get to know him better, I'm going to have to get to know his kids (He has custody of them) It will be very hard to have any intimate time with him.

After lunch, we talked a while. He really wanted me to go back to Bainbridge with him. I told him no. I had to go back to work. We kissed good bye and drove away. One minute later, he called me and told me he wanted to kiss me again. He asked me to pull over so he could do so. Of course I did.

So, I'm playing Black And White very often. Sometimes I sit down for just 30 minutes, and then all of a sudden an hour has gone bye.

Bruce and I went out for beer and pool last night. Whenever we do that, we end up finishing off two pitchers. I have to slow him down. One pitcher of beer between the two of us is plenty. Especially on a work night.

Mark has called me 3 or 4 times over the past two days. We are getting together for lunch on Thursday. He asked me if I could fall for a guy with kids. I told him I'd have to get to know the guy better.

Andy wrote me. He just got back from New Orleans. Sounds like he had a blast there. Both nights, he had sex with strippers in bar storage rooms.

My weekend was much less sexy. Saturday I had two dates. There were just "let's have lunch, and get to know each other better" dates. No sex in either case. I met one guy through softball, the other through the internet. I already wrote about the lunch with the Softball guy. The other guy, Garry, is a late bloomer. He's 32yo, and has worked as a checkout clerk at safeway since he graduated from highschool. He doesn't do much of anything, but it sounds like he's starting to try and develop a life. He said that in the last year, he's lost 75lbs.

Sunday, softball was rained out. I rented a kayak, and went kayaking on Lake Washington. They are really tippy. It doesn't help that I'm 6'6''.

Sunday evening, I went to the Cuff beer bust, and met an extreamly perceptive man, Mark. Bruce, Brian, Mark and I were talking. Mark ended up cold-calling the state of Bruce&F's relationship with frightening accuracy.

Later on, I tried to give Mark my number, but he loudly refused. When I left the, he followed me out. He told me that he really wanted to accept my number, but that he was afraid of Brian. He said he saw two things in Brian. One was that Brian was violent. The other was that Brian looked at me like he was begging me to love him.

Mark and I ended up going to CC's eating and talking a bit. He's a big worry wart. He made sure I stopped drinking alcohol before I drove home. He was concerned that I didn't park right next to the Cuff (I parked 2 blocks away) so, he insisted on driving me to my truck. Then, when I got home, called to make sure that I was safe.

He lives in Bainbridge, and has two sons. I think the big city (If you can call Seattle a big city) scares him a bit.

He called again at 7am in the morning, just to say hi. I almost called him Brian, because their voices are kind of the same. I hope he doesn't start obsessing over me. On the other hand, I kind of like him. We'll see.

Didn't do much Wednesday Evening.

Thursday, I went out with the guys for work. We had beer and dinner at Red Robin. Bruce called me up later, and said he was downtown at CC's. So, at about 8pm, I met up with him there. He said he got in to a fight with F.

Brian was at CC's. We talked for a while. He unsulted Bruce a bit, so I got ticked off with him. He clued in, and apologized.

Later on Bruce and I went to the Cuff. We ran into Biff. Biff is very attractive, infact he is one of the few guys that both Andy and I are attracted too, but Biff never talked either of us very much. But, Biff was interested in Bruce, and he gave Bruce his email address. As we were leaving, I asked Biff if he was the dating type. He paused a minute, so I said, "no, you don't have to answer" He sort of hugged me, and whispered into my ear that he was already seeing someone.

On my way Bruce called me up and said "How the hell can I let Biff go" Apparently, a long time ago, Biff gave Bruce his phone number, but Bruce had work visa problems, and had to leave the U.S. for a few months.

Now Bruce's faith in his relationship with F is being tested.

Friday, Ryan and I had lunch.

Friday evening, Bruce and I played pool at the Workshop. I left early for Softball practice. After the practice, our sponser bar, kept bringing us free pitchers of beer. After beer, the team went out for pizza, but I took off. They're too twinky. They're ok guys, but I don't want them to be my social life.

Later on, I went to the Seawolf and met a nice guy, Bill. He was fairly drunk. Bill looks a lot like Harry, so I kept thinking about Harry. That bugs me. I need to forget about Harry. It's slowing me down. I'm not sure about Bill. He manages some kind of shoe distribution company. Selling and promoting shoes was almost the only thing he talked about.

Saturday morning, I had a lunch date with a guy from my softball league. It was ok. I might have dinner with him again, but he's not the kind of guy that get's me excited.

I've started playing black and white. I keep getting lost. It's well done, but failrly hard to play.

Thursday Bruce and I went out for Drinks and Pool at the Workshop. Bruce wants to start a moving busness, just so that he can say he does something blue coller. We both want to be normal straight acting guys, but eyebrow's always go up when we say we're software design engineers.

Friday afterwork, Bruce and I played pool at the Workshop. There were a few cute guys there. I wish the more straight acting guys would go to gay bars. Later, I left for softball practice. After practice, the team went to Changes. I had one beer and a small plate of fries that cost $2.50. I guess they only serve food to get the liquor license. Afterwards I left for the Cuff. I had a bottle of water, and then went home. It was bear weekend, so there were lots of guys up from Portland.

Saturday, Bruce and I worked at positive solutions all day. We reinstalled some of their servers, and tried to install a firewall/proxy server. The firewall didn't work out, so we had to back off. In the evening, we had dinner with F and a friend of F's at Siam. Then F went out for a movie, and Bruce went home. I went out for a drink at the Cuff. I ran into Brian there. He's out of jail now. He was pissed off that I never called him while he was away. I told him that I didn't know what else to do, and that I didn't want him to think about me.

We talked a while. He's going through a hard time right now. He couldn't work the proper hours while he was in jail, so he lost his job. He's fighting that right now. Things might be good. 3 law firms have called him up, asking to represent him. Currently, he's working at a Target. He lucked out and got a managment position.

Brian told me that his bunkmate in jail was very fat, and smelt bad. One day, they were running dogs through the prison, sniffing for drugs. When the dog's sniffed bunkmate's locker, they ran out of the cell.

He also said that he met many people that he doesn't want to have anything to do with. He was first supposed to go to a white-collar prison, but due to his job hours, they tranferred him to a prison for long-term offenders who were being re-integrated into society. He told me that he met a guy who is in his 40's, but just got his first paycheck ever.

Aparently they hated him in the prision. There were also rumours that he was an undercover cop. I can see why the guys would hate Brian. He's a real go-getter, who loves money. Brian doesn't have a lot of time for anyone who is poor, and is not working hard.

He only gave his phone number to three people. One of those three people is already dead; drug overdose in a hotel room.

Brian spent the night at my place. The next morning, we went out and had breakfast with F and Bruce. F mentioned that Brian looks a lot like Harry. I guess I've got a type.

Sunday afternoon was softball. We won both of our games. The first game was a cake walk. I felt bad for the other team, and started chearing for them. The second game was a bit more challenging. Their defense wasn't strong either.

Sunday evening, I went out the Cuff again. I ran into Steven. We talked a while, and told me that he'd like to stay friends, even if we didn't date. I agreed. I'm going to try and work him into my life.

Monday, back to work. Worked out Monday night.

Tuesday night, I had dinner with Andy at Elliot's Oyster House. I was a half an hour late. The traffic on the way down was killer. It was good to see him again. We talked and argued all night. I miss him. He said the same of me. Not romantically; like a good friend. In L.A. most of Andy's friends either work for him, or for his competition, so he can only act business casual around them.

After Elliot's, we went to 611 Supreme for dessert, and then the Manray for a drink.

He spent the night at my place, in the spare bedroom.

Next morning, we went to the Brown Bag Cafe for breakfast.

Work was a quiet.

I went to an orgy, after work. I met the guys on line. A few of them were married. Once am month, they rent a hotel room and have sex there. I think there were 8 guys there, including me.

Man am I desperate. I want to connect with someone so badly. I want to feel something good so badly.

Don't think very much happend on Thursday.

Friday, I went out and did a tour-de-bar. Had a few pitchers of bear with Bruce at the Workshop. Had dinner, went downtown by my self, and went to C.C's, the Seawolf, R-Place, and the Eagle. I only drank water when I was downtown. The Eagle is now charging a $2 cover, and it is keeping some of the riff-raff out. When I left, this guy was hanging around the door, trying to sell a pack of cigarettes for $2.00

Saturday was the first day of softball. We won our morning game 16 to 8. We lost our afternoon game, 15-13. It's very D level. It's fun though. ]

In the evening, I went to Ryan and Jen's for a Fry party. Brent brought over a turkey fryer, and they battered and fried many things. hot dogs, onion rings, vegetables, whatever. Later on we watched Iron Chef: eggplant battle. When I was leaving, I backed the truck over a small ledge by the side of their driveway. Thankfully, the drop wasn't too far, and Brent managed to pull me out.

Sunday morning, I had breakfast with Bruce and F. Bruce and Caz got into some kind of arguement over P.S. and they aren't talking now. Bruce has sleep apnea, and hasn't been sleeping well lately. He's getting a machine that will help him, but till then, he's acting cranky, and tired.

After breakfast, I went hiking up Tiger Mountain.

Went downtown the the Cuff Sunday evening. Had some beer. Ran into Caz. I think he still wants to work with Bruce at P.S,

Monday, I met a guy on the internet who lives in a condo near me. We went out for a beer. He's a Foreign student from Brazil. He was nice, but nothing happend, and probably ever will.

Tuesday morning I went to the dentist. Because I grind my teath, she's getting me a tooth gard that I can wear while sleeping. I've got a small cavity too.

I'm having dinner with Andy tonight, he's in Seattle on business.

I talked to Harry again. I told him that I was scared when I dated him. That I had knots in my stomach when i wasn't with him. We talked about it for a while. I think he's happy with Chris. I've got to give this up.

We also talked about fishing and kayaking and stuff like that.

Harry's home phone is now disconnected. He really is moving in with Chris.

Right now I never want to call him again; for my own good.

I have to get over this. I want a good relationship. I've got to be a better person.

My fantasies about Harry are evolving. At first I was thinking about confessing every thing to him. Now I'm having cocky daydeams where I steal him from his new boyfriend. It feels better.

I nave a bit of a cold. I'm getting over it quickly.

Had lunch with Bruce yesterday. He and F fought over Bruce and I going out for drinks last thursday. We've decided that in the future, we are only going to go to straight bars. It probably won't make a difference.

Got my hair cut too. A flat top. I haven't had it this short in a while. At first I didn't like it, but now it's growing on me.

I'm in a downer mood again. I've keep mulling over my relationships, all failed. I'm lonely now. Right now, the closest thing I have to friends are Bruce and F. I don't really like F, and Bruce has hinted that he still wants to date me if he and F split. Not something I want.

I want to care for and love someone. But that could take a long time.

I think that every week, I have to do one or two interesting different things. That way I don't get into a rut.

Saturday, I didn't do much. I bought some new jeans, and a new jacket. Went out Saturday night.

Sunday morning, I had brunch with Bruce and F. In the afternoon, we went snowboard shopping. I got a 173cm Canyon Burton plus boots and bindings. We also went to Ikea.

I got home, put the bindings on the board had some dinner, and then went to Sunday night beer bust. I compeltly forgot about my Sunday afternoon softball practice.

I'm still feeling crappy over Harry. The next guy I develop feelings for is not getting away.

My answering machine died. I think I've got a dentist appointment Tuesday morning, but I can't find the reminder card.

Work is going ok. Things are winding down.

Friday night we had solftball practice in hail and rain. I was cold and soaked by the end.

Afterwards, I met a guy who responded to my ad. It went ok, but I'm not really intersted in him.

Went to the Cuff for a drink. It was quiet.

Went home, went to bed early. Had a good nights sleep for the first time in a couple of weeks.

Went downtown to Postive solutions. Bruce, Caz and I did a little bit of work. Mostly it was bickering about the UI details for a DB app Bruce is writing. I showed them some of the finer points on how to administrate Exchange and use Outlook.

Later on Caz and I went to CC's and had dinner. Caz left and Bruce showed up. We drank a lot. I think it was 3 vodka and crans each. We bitched to each other about life in general. He told me that he's not really sure he loves F. I laughed at him; he certainly doesn't act that way.

As part of signing up for DSL, I got a free web cam. After I got home, I put the cam to good use. I JO'd with some guy from Kentucy.

I've taken out a personals add as well. I'm starting to get replies.

Yeah, he's cute, but not enough. He's very queeny.

We still had sex though.

On my way back from his place, I was mulling over Harry again. Why can't I get him out of my brain? I ended it with Harry twice. I cheated on Harry twice. I enjoyed, and did not feel guilty for, cheating on Harry twice.

Am I a Jerk or what?

A couple more hours, and I'll be on a date with Andrew. I hope it works out. I've got mixed feelings for this. I think he's cute. But, .

We won at hockey. 6-5. It started off very sloppy. We were missing passes, and couldn't clear it out of our zone. During the second period it picked up.

It's amazing how daylight savings time changes everything. It's now almost 6pm, and it's still very light out. Oh the joy of living in Seattle.

Ok, so Andrew and I have a date Wednesday night. It's at Vince's in Fed Way.

Harry has gone overboard. He's already put his house up for sale, and moved into Chris's place. I hope he'll be ok. They've known each other for less than 2 weeks.

Hockey tonight. Last game of the season.

I was supposed t go up to Vancouver for a tournament on April13-15. However so many guys dropped out that we couldn't field a team. Plus, that weekend was the opening day for Softball. So, I dropped out too.

Andrew, the really cute guy that I met online, called my cell this morning. I only saw the call display number. I called back, and left a message. I'm setting him up so big in my brain, that no matter who he is, he'll dissapoint me. At least it get's my mind off of Harry.

Yes! I just got email from him. I am posting and publishing now...

My heart is sooo fickle.

Saturday morning I had sex with some guy I met on line.

I also got a reply from a really cute guy who put a personals add online. As of Sunday night, he hasn't replied to reply, or called me.

Saturday evening I went downtown and had dinner with Bruce and F at the Satelite Lounge.Later, Bruce and F went home, I went to the Cuff. I ran into Steven. We agreed that nothing was happening between us. Although the next day, he jokingling sent me an email saying that I dumped him.

Sunday morning, I had Lunch with Bruce and F at the Shanty Cafe. Later we went snowboard shopping. Bruce and I went over to Postive Solutions. I think Caz was playing around with the system in the morning, it was really screwed up.

Sunday afternoon, I worked out. Went downtown again for dinner and drinks at the Cuff.

bah.