We are having our house painted. The instructions to the painter were to paint it with exactly the same colours as it was. Of course the paint isn't turning out that way. It's a little darker. A little less saturated. Or maybe not. When its not in bright sun it looks a bit warmer. The painter can point to the pain cans and show us its the same spec as what we gave him.

This is stressing the husband out a bit. I want to support the husband, but I'm not that emotionally in tune with subtle shades of colour. As long as its not garish, then I'll be fine. 

I don't want to put all of this on the husband though. He does have better taste than me. 

Tuesday, I had dinner with C3. Tacos at a local gay bar. I try to have dinner with him regularly. He lives in a trendy area of Seattle. It's fun for me to get out of the suburbs-- to see the hip & cool kids. 

C3 is waging war on the pigeons that visit his balcony. He has a bird feeder there and enjoys watching the small birds eat at it. On the other hand the pigeons chase off the small birds and make a mess.

His solution has been to build a Rube Goldberg of a cage around the bird feeder. The cage is made of odds and ends found around the house-- plastic tubs, bits of metal, duct tape. The holes in the cage are big enough to let the small birds through, but small enough to keep the pigeons out. 

The pigeons constantly pry at the cage to pull it part and gain access to the food. He responds by rebuilding the cage with more duct tape and stronger odds-and-ends.

I asked him why he doesn't buy a pigeon proof bird feeder. They are not that expensive. He responded that he's moving soon and he doesn't want to buy anything more to move.

C3's lease expires soon and he's looking for a new aparment. His apartment overlooks a loud and busy park-- there are always people there playing basketball, skate boarding, baseball, sometimes cricket. He wants an apartment that is more quiet.

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At work, my manager has been promoted. My manager asked me if I wanted to apply for his job. He is looking for a replacement. In the past I've said I'm not interested in that job. It's more administration, more stress and less direct engagement with our business problems.

I talked this over with C3. His blunt response was "Why wouldn't you apply?"

This morning I threw my hat into that ring. We'll see. I'm trying to not be emotionally attached to this. There are good reasons to hire a fresh outside candidate. There are also good reasons to hire me.

Yesterday, for the first time in weeks, the husband and I had sex. It was good. The husband cried a little afterwards. I think he was relieved-- that our relationship is headed in the right direction.

My mother has had her latest call with the oncologist. Positive news. Her last scan shows some swelling in the area around the tumor, but that's not uncommon. She'll have another scan in three months.

The husband is keeping busy during his travels-- hanging out with friends. Buying cheap tickets to musicals. I'm happy for him.

For the past few days, I have been in San Francisco for work. It's largely a moral and team building event with dinners, parties and and a harbor cruise. 

Hundreds of people flew in for Tuesday and Wednesday. The offices were busy. Most people have returned home. I'm staying for an extra day. Of course the office is quiet again. I have the 24th floor of our building all to myself. 

This floor as an expensive espresso machine. Allegedly $15,000.00. I want to make some coffee with it, but the buttons are all obscure icons. I'll youtube some training videos later.

Over the weekend, our HOA hosted it's first neighborhood get-together since before the pandemic. It was nice to meet many of our neighbors for the first time.

Today is my second last day in Ontario. My brother and his wife left yesterday. Baring any disaster at the airports, I should be home Saturday night.

The husband picked up an STD during his relapse. It's all treatable. He and I must have much deep conversation about our relationship. He is humiliated about the relapse and is punishing himself. He is also being very open and honest with me. 

I have no urge to have a revenge trick. Between the husband's bad experience, and C2's stories about his hookups, I have no desire to go down that path.

So, what does it look like to repair my relationship with the husband? 

I now have access to mom's medical file and can see the details. She has Alzheimers and lung cancer. The cancer is slow and hasn't spread. It will be a few weeks before we meet with the oncologist to discuss next steps. That last part is frustrating. Her previous oncologist has left that hospital.

The husband is taking his relapse seriously. He is working closely with his sponsor and keeping himself busy-- meetings every day-- proper self care.  I have to let him do his thing. There is nothing I can do to help him stay sober.

My family and I are reflecting on mom and discreetly discussing how to manage her care. She looks healthy despite the radiation treatment. I hope she beats the cancer. We can only manage her Alzheimer's. What does the rest of her life look like?

I am also catching up with hold high school acquaintances. Some of them are talking about stepping back from work. Not retiring, but working less aggressively. 

One, a real-estate agent, said she her work is dawn-to-dusk, seven-days-a-week. The is affecting her relationships and her health. She is stepping back from real-estate to find something new.

Another couple, who has always run multiple small businesses, saw some of their business go-away at the start of the pandemic. Their other businesses grew and could largely be run remotely. 

This fall they will try RVing for few months to see if they enjoy it. The husband is looking forward to it, but uncertain. He's not good at sitting still or driving for hours-- at the start of the pandemic he stress-built a new wing on their house because he needed something to do.

Saturday, I tracked down another high school acquaintance. We are both children of farmers and sat at the same table during home-room.

Recently BH has had some medical issues. A blood vessel kept leaking in his brain. The surgery to address that appears to have been successful. He is now recovering at home.

While BH is recovering a cousin of mine is helping around BH's farm. My cousin suggested I talk to BH-- BH has nothing to do during the day and would appreciate the company.

It was good to catch up with him. We are *very* different people. Very different life experiences. BH mentioned that I seem to be good at talking to people, something he's always struggled with. BH runs a very successful farm-- a life I intentionally moved far far away from decades ago.

 I've sorted out some of the confusion with my mothers medical information. The diagnostics center and her doctor are in two different hospital systems. These two systems don't always know how to share information. After many phone calls to each I found someone who was able to stitch things together. Now we should have a follow up appointment next week where we can get some answers.

My parents are the kind of folks who, when company is coming, will start brewing a pot of coffee an hour ahead of time, so it will be ready, nice and hot when the company arrives.

My brother and parents are off to Ottawa today. Dad has a followup appointment from yesterday's cataract surgery. They also want to do some shopping.

My sister-in-law and I are staying back. Aside from my regular work, I am also following up on mom's doctor's appointment. 

And we are cleaning and purging. 

We've found much old food that needs to go. Spices and canned food that are ten years old. At first I was worried they were eating the old food. However, that is not happening. There are maybe three shelves of food in the fridge that they use regularly. That's all fresh and new. Everything else-- they have a pantry, a second fridge and a large stand-alone freezer-- is ignored. That food ages in place.

I am visiting my parents in eastern Ontario. My brother and his wife are here as well.

Some background info-- my mother believes she is a healthy independent woman. She doesn't know that she can't remember what happened more than 10 minutes ago. She becomes angry quickly should she be surprised by information that she is not healthy. Conversations about her car or health have to happen behind her back.

On our first evening here, we were all outside chatting. At some point my mother went inside to use the washroom. While she was absent, my father told us that mom has a tumor on her lung. She has received 8 shots of radiation to treat it. 

That was heavy and a big surprise. I'm sure dad didn't tell us because he didn't want to upset mom. I wish he would have told us long ago. I'm sure he didn't because mom would have been angry should he have shared that info with us.

Mom looks healthy. Perhaps a bit more thin than last time. She does not look like she has been receiving radiation treatment.

Unfortunately dad doesn't know any more information about the tumor than that. He doesn't know the type. The prognosis. 

Dad did have a call scheduled with the Doctor for today. Dad couldn't attend the call because he also had cataract surgery today. (Cataract Surgery! Another surprise) I took the call but didn't learn much. The doctor didn't have a recent CT scan. Either my parents forgot to get mom scanned again, or the scan has not yet made it to the doctor. Another call must be scheduled

C2 and I had dinner with Clem and Bates. They are retired now and enjoying the time. Though, Bates mentioned that he has spent about half of his life savings in the past year. He must dial that back.

Clem and Bates both have healthy pensions. Blowing through life savings won't be as much of a crises for them as for most people.

They have also gone soft on leaving Seattle. Preretirement they considered selling their house and moving somewhere more affordable. Now they realize that they like Seattle. They enjoy traveling somewhere else for a few weeks, but then they are ready to return home. Sometimes it's nice to spend a few weeks close to family. It's also good to leave.

I stepped in it a little with C2. C2 and I frequently have dinner together on Tuesday. When Clem and Bates invited me to dinner on Tuesday. I texted C2 "Tuesday schedule... drinks with C&B at Diesel at 6pm. Dinner at LS at 7:15" He did not like the direct approach I took with the text. I do not order him around. We are friends. I need to ask.

I apologized. He got over it quickly.

Our weather is finally pleasant. The longest day of the year is almost here.

Saturday we visited the mother-in-law at here home. She is doing well though she quickly becomes tired.

Saturday evening we had dinner and a game night with some of our AA friends. It was fun. 

One of our dinner guests spent the night. He drove two hours to visit us. Rather than having him drive two hours back, he crashed in our spare bedroom. The next morning we had breakfast together and went for a local hike. Then he drove back to his home.

This experience led the husband and I to have some good conversations about our relationship. Sometimes I have problems connecting to people in the program. When that happens I'm prone to pulling up my cell phone and tuning out.  

The husband gets it that I may not want to build a relationship with everyone in the program. Instead of tuning out, he asked me to make other plans or do my own thing. I don't have to hang out with him just because he has an AA event.

We decided to coordinate our social lives a little more. Perhaps I'll visit my friends the same night he visits his AA friends instead of both of us visiting my friends one night and both of us visiting his friends the second. 

My mother is an interesting challenge. She has short term memory problems. She can't remember things that happened more than about ten minutes ago. Despite that, she is surprisingly with it. She tells stories, play games, holds her part of a conversation. Here is challenge-- when she forgets where she is and what's happening, she confabulates. She makes up something and runs with it. She doesn't even realize she's doing it.

Example-- suppose we go out for dinner at a restaurant. At some point mom will need to use the restroom. Nothing unusual about that. By the time mom has finished in with the restroom, she'll have forgot where she was sitting and who she is with. She'll just wander off. We could loose her unless we watch the bathroom door.

Another example. Mom and dad are at home. Dad goes out to do some chores. After a while mom will forget this. Perhaps she'll decide that dad is getting their truck ready. She'll get dressed to go out, then wait by the garage or him. Or perhaps she'll wander around to try and find him.

All by the way of saying, someone needs to be there for mom all the time. This is tricky as Mom is an independent woman. She will figure out when she's being watched and will become angry if you imply she can't be alone. 

Dad needs to run a few errands while I am in town. He is having cataract surgery. Practically mom can't join him, nor can she be left alone for the day. So we tell her little white lies. Dad 'needs' her to stay at home because there will be an important call about her scans.  I will work from their home for that day just because I enjoy it there.

Today I received my new U.S. passport. Earlier this week I got my voter registration card. All I need know is to be summoned to jury duty and I'll have experienced all my new American privileges. 

Except serving my country if called upon by Congress. I can pass on that.

At the end of the month I'll travel to Canada to visit my parents. I'll workcation there for a week. My brothers will also be there. A good family visit.

The mother-in-law is doing better. She may get out of the hospital today.

"I felt a calling to be a sex therapist and relationship councilor."

Last night we had dinner with another couple that we know. They are a good couple. Over the course of the evening, the topic of second careers and retirement came up. What should we do to bring meaning to our lives? One of this couple was formerly in the tech industry. For years he has been transitioning to sex therapy and relationship counseling-- getting his masters degree and the required other trainings. 

I am sometimes envious of those with callings. I've never had a calling. I have some skills that are lucrative-- mathematics, software engineering, organizational behavior. And I have sold those skills for a good chunk of change. But I don't feel called to do so.

Very long ago I read that the quest for a calling can be dangerous (The Pleasures and Sorry of Work by Alain De Botton) People will cast their lives about looking for a calling, jumping from job to job. Really there is no choice you can make that will eliminate uncertainty or failure. You have to tackle every day with all your energy, never really knowing what the future may bring. The quest for a calling can a be an crutch to justify not engaging deeply with life.

But then there are those who do find a calling. 

Now-- a calling to be a sex therapist. I wanted to deeply dig into that one. I didn't do so. I felt like it would be too easy for that conversation to go off into the weeds. Would my questions come across as mocking? Would the husband feel comfortable listening to me asking many questions of another man who is comfortable talking about sex? Would I want to listen to my husband asking those same questions? As gay men we get to push the limits of behavior in polite company. 

Perhaps my calling is to be the Miss Manners for a sexually progressive crowd. What is proper etiquette when your hosts show you their workshop/sex-play-room and you don't want to encourage any sexual advances, yet you don't want to come across as disapproving?

 

The mother-in-law will be in the hospital for at least another week. She is in pain, but able to move around. Her temper is flaring. Yesterday while the husband was visiting her, she lashed out at him. The husband left her and returned home. He saw no point in bearing the brunt of her anger.

This morning they talked over the phone. While she is still in pain, she is not taking it out on the husband.

At work, the great designation has hit me. One of my leads wants to work on a project that's very important to him. It will take him away from his day-job for about eight months. He knows he can't arrange a leave of absence for that long, so he is resigning.

I can't tell how much of that is a story and how much is true. Even under the best of conditions, it's ballsy to leave a good job.

Of course a low risk procedure is not a no-risk procedure. My mother-in-law's lung collapsed after the procedure. She is OK and not in pain.

Weather something like summer has finally started in the Pacific North West. It's still cool and rainy. However it doesn't feel like we are stuck in April. Trees are full of leaves. Flowers are in bloom.

We spent part of the weekend power-washing around the house-- the drive way, decks, walk way, chairs used for the back yard. Things look nice now. 

The mother-in-law is having a medical procedure done today. This is to help her breathing. She has COPD and is on oxygen twenty four hours a day.

Even though procedure is low risk, she will spend the next three days in the hospital. If something goes wrong the doctors must respond quickly. The husband has warned me that his schedule will be janky over the next few days. He doesn't know if his mother will need his help or if the hospital will even allow that.