I had breakfast with Bruce and C3 at Andy's Dinner.

I spent Saturday after noon at a hockey clinic. It was ok, I picked up a new trick or two. However, the thrust of the clinic was team strategy. Most of our team wasn't there, so it will be hard to bring what I learnt to the team.

Saturday Evening...

Blogspot Links seam to be acting up. Tommy's web site is at http://tommy71301.diaryland.com/

Tommy says: hey......how is your Sunday
Barry says: Just woke up!
Barry says: Yours?
Tommy says: ok.....just about to write about the date last nite in the diary
Barry says: I'm looking forward to that
Tommy says: yep....well....read about it in an hour or so.
Barry says: My Saturday was kind of weird. C3 and his room mate invited me to an "art" party.
Tommy says: hmmmm..... ur art or theirs
Barry says: There is a warehouse in Seattle that has been taken over by 30 artists. As a fundraiser they held a large party at the wearhouse.
Tommy says: ah...what kind of art
Barry says: That was it. The art was really lame. Probably the best was a guy who made candle sticks and such, out of metal, that looked like human bones.
Tommy says: hmmm..... any glass making.
Tommy says: or stain glass works
Barry says: I saw a glass furnice, but I didn't see any glass work. Maybe they removed it. Too breakable for a large party.
Barry says: There where hundreds of people there.
Tommy says: and did u meet any nice men there
Barry says: No. I don't really like Seattle artists. They dress kind of dirty.
Barry says: I'm more of a jeans an T-Shirt guy.
Barry says: Plus I'm not into dying my hair, or piercings.
Tommy says: ah.........kind of grungy...the artist that is
Barry says: Yes, very grungy. It was weird. I looked like the establishment because I was wearing new name brand jeans.
Tommy says: we wore jeans last nite to this cafe...lots of suits...a few tuxes...but hey its louisiana..and we were country boys.....
Tommy says: so we felt comfortable...and Billy is kind of petite`...he looks the part of a gay man......it was an interesting time....but the meal and the company was good
Barry says: That's cool. I'm looking forward to reading all about it.
Tommy says: ok...be good....have a great Sunday....hugs...bye
Barry says: You too.. Hey, do you mind if I post this conversation as my entry? After all, it really sums up my Saturday.
Tommy says: nope....go ahead
Barry says: Thanks. Have a great day! bye
Tommy says: oh.....bye Buddy

So, that's how I spent my Saturday evening. The cover was $10.00. Bruce arrived seperatly, but when he found the cover was $10.00 he left. C3 and I should have done the same.

C3 and I left at about midnight. We got a pizza and met up with Bruce. We ate pizza and watched "Sex in the City" for a few hours.

So, Tommy had a date last night. I'm wondering how it went and how I feel about it. I hope it went well. On the flip side, Tommy is my first internet crush, so I won't feel too bad if things didn't work out.

Man-o-man am I self centered.

Bruce slept over night at work. With the snow it was too dangerous to drive home. He should have called me. I only live 10 minutes away.

C2, Cor and I had dinner tonight. It was mostly good. At some points C2 started to give Cor the 5th degree and this made Cor a bit uncomfortable. Once Cor got used to C2 things worked out. Both C2 and Cor have traveled all over Asia so they had lots of stories to swap.

After dinner we had coffee and played What would Dan Say? We read a question from Dan Savage's column and try to guess what his answer will be.

Afterwards... Drinks at the Cuff. Master Mark was there although we didn't say much more than 'hi' to each other.

I let out a frustration scream or two on the way home. I'm tired of regratting the way I've conducted my past relationships and I'm not looking forward to being alone.

It snowed last night. Everything is bright white. Many people stayed away from work.

C2 and I saw Iris with the movie bears. Iris is basically a love story where two people, Iris and John, grow old together. Iris get's Alzheimer's and then dies. I didn't like it. Neither did C2. About half way through he started squirming and looking at his watch a lot. Some of the guys wear really moved by Iris. I felt like I was watching paint dry.

Afterwards we went to the Cuff. I talked with a few of the guys. Just the usual B.S. Who's dating who. Who's trying to patch things up with who. Stuff like that.

A couple of weeks ago I lost my money clip. I though there was only $20.00 in it so I didn't feel to bad. This morning I found the money clip. It held $60.00. A good, unexpected bonus.

So, Master Mark hasn't really changed. He still want's me to be his sex slave. We had lunch together and hung around the afternoon, but he asked me to wear a collar the whole time.

In the evening I played hockey. We won 4-2. We've lost 6 times against this team, so this win felt really good. We played good solid, clean hockey. We only had one penalty and it was justified. The other team has a great player, 55, who was on a breakaway. One of our D's tripped 55 rather than letting him get to the net.

Afterwards we had beer at a local bar next to the arena. I got really drunk. DB and I kept ordering pitchers of beer even after the rest of the drinkers left. DB is very hot, but as straight as they come. I was happy to hang around and talk to him. There is another gay guy on our team. I'm sure he'll ask questions the next time I see him.

Nothing happened, but I can always hope.

I'm hung over now.

Oh yeah, Hi SnubForLove! Thanks for dropping me a line.

Saturday morning I got a call from C2. He blew a tire out on his car, didn't have a working spare, so he needed some help getting the car to the garage. His existing tires were very very old. The tire that blew out had warn through not one, but two of the belts. None of the tires had tread.

So we had breakfast while his tires were replaced, balanaced and aligned.

I called Cor and told him I wasn't falling in love with him. He said he understoon.

I spent the afternoon with Bruce and C3. We hiked around Alki Beach.

Later, we had dinner at Andy's dinner. Bruce and C3 were talking about some of their file work. When a actress/waitress heard this, she started chatting us up, trying to get a gig.

I went to the Cuff in the evening. The usual crowd was there. Master Mark was there. We talked a while. He apologized for the last relationship and asked me if I wanted to try again with something more normal. So, this afternoon we're getting together for a movie. He's still acting like a Master though. When we talked on the phone this morning, he told me to show up wearing tight jeans and a jock strap.

I'm very ambivalent about this. But hey, I've got nothing else better to do this afternoon.

Cor came over last night. We had dinner together. He also slept over but we didn't have sex. He said no sex till we love each other. I don't care weither or not we have sex together.

The next time I see him, I have to tell him that I'm not falling for him. It's too bad, He's a good man, however he fits in the "friend" and not the "lover" category. I've been trying to put my finger on why I'm not falling for him. He's attractive, he has a good job. He's a nice guy. All I can come up with is "chemistry"

He has his bagge as well. He and his ex got married in Vermont. They are still married. He said his ex calls him every day. I'm using that as an excuse to keep some distance between us.

I hope I'm not too picky.

Every Friday out teem has a Beer & Status meeting. Where we drink beer, eat snack food and discuss the weekly status. Today the guy who buys the beer asked if he could borrow my truck to help buy the stuff. Of couse I said yes. We've got a weekly budget of $250.00 for beer and snack food. It was kind of fun buying all those obscure beer brands and weird snacks that I would never buy with my own money.

Later on I headed down town and had dinner and coffee with C2. Things are going ok with him. After wards, I had a beer at the Eagle. Unknown to me, it was their monthly Water Sports night. The Puget Sound Pissers Society was their and holding a raffle. You could win great prizes like a Pissers's yellow T-Shirt, or a ticket to their exclusive pee party next weekend. Oh boy.

One guy dressed in a yellow shirt, a rubber vest and rubber boots kept following me around. It was a bit odd. He was polite so I didn't go too far out of my way to avoid him.

So, I had dinner with the guy from Brazil, Cor. He's a nice guy. He seams to be quite taken with me. From my point of view, he's a nice, attractive man. But it's not love at first sight. I'll get to know him better and see where it goes.

Cor wants to get together tomorrow night as well. I said yes.

I played hockey at 10:45pm tonight. Bleah. I hate late games.

We won 7-4. It was one of the worst games we have ever played. The other team was much, much weaker than us. We kept getting penaties. We spent most of the 2nd period with not one, but two people in the penalty box. Our hot-heads couldn't control their tempers and the refs called a very tight game.

I taled to Ryan tonight. He's going to Florida this weekend to be the best man at his brother wedding. He's not looking forward to it. He said "Someone enthic will be in the wedding party and I'm sure my grandfather will loudy say 'Oh, that's going to be in all the pictures!'" His family sounds very redneck

I went to our companies Research Exhibition. Once a year, the Research division showcases their latest technologies. Some of the technologies were kind of fun such as better ways to make realistic images for video games.

Some were creepy. There was one technology that made your eyes always look at the screen. When you video conference with someone, you look at the screen and not the camera. So, the person on the receiving end sees you looking off to the side and not at him. This program automatically edits the image to make it look like your eyes are focused on the receiver. The result was weird, like one of those paintings with eyes that always look at you.

I'm kind of annoyed and jealous that there are people at our company working on weird problems like that. I should have got a PHD. Instead I decided to stick with my lowly Bachelor of Mathematics.

Yes John, that's why I'm so analytical-- I'm a mathematician.

Speaking of people who regularly read my journal, who are you? Over the past month, I've noticed that my weekly hit count has doubled. I don't advertise this site to many people. I never intended to become popular. I just wanted to keep a journal and the self destructive/exhibitionist side of me said "Hey! Put it on the Web." So, if you read regularly, drop me a line and introduce yourself.

Woohooo! Canada won Olymic gold in hockey. 5-2 over the U.S.A.

C3 and I went snowboarding today. Bruce didn't go. He's been having migrains lately and is behind on work. We had a fun time. I'm tired and stiff.

Yesterday I went sofa shopping. I have to think twice; the sofa I want costs $2400.00. Afterwards I went to Bruce and C3's for dinner. We watched a weird documentry, The God's of Time Square. It's about all the religious people that hang out in New York's Times Square. Many freaks. One guy believed that he was Jesus and was destined to get together with Madonna (The pop singer) to bring about a new era. After Madona performed in NY he was be bitter and confused that she didn't call.

Friday I met a nice guy. He's a Brazilian/Canadian who just moved hear from Florida. He used to work for Nortel but was layed off. The company I work for hired him. He started last week. We met at the Cuff; we were introduced by two mutual friends. We talked a while, left and had coffee and dessert at the Broadway. We kissed a bit, exchanged numbers and headed home (He to his home, I to mine) He's up in Vancouver today, and has a business trip on Monday/Tuesday. So, we'll see if he calls.

C3 warned me that Brazilians are very fun, but they play around a lot.

It's just nice to meet a normal guy that's interested in me.

We won our hocky game last night-- 3 to 2. It was another chippy game. One fight. I played much more rough that usual. The refs were very lienient. If you looked like you were going for the puck, even if you were muscling guys out of the way, they let you get away with it.

When I checked my telephone messages from work, there was only one. A short "hmm!" It's sounds a lot like my Brian, my ex. I've replayed the message half a dozen times trying to figure out if it is.

I haven't heard from Brian in months.

I can't *69 it because I called from work to pick up the messages.

It's weird how something as simple as this can make me reminise. For all I know the message is from a telemarketer who sounds kind of like Brian.

Tonight I went with the movie bears to see A Beautiful Mind. It was a good movie. It was one of those movies that reminds me how out of touch I can be with my feelings. I wasn't really that engrossed by the movie, but at the end I felt a few tears come to my eyes. It's kind of weird like "Huh? What's this? Crap, I'm going to cry."

Afterwards, B, C3 and I had dinner at the Six Arms.B complained that C3 was denying him sex. Then C3 said, "What are you talking about, we had sex this morning?" Then B said. "Oh yeah, sorry."

Afterwards I had a beer at the Cuff. I talked to the usual crowd. I guess I am part of the usual crowd.

I've been goofing off a lot. Monday night I hit the internet chat's after work and didn't stop till bedtime. I know it's a big waist of time. There are many more constructive things to do.

I had lunch with Bruce yesterday. I vented with him for the first time in months. Right now my job is kind of boring and my social life is stagnent; I'm in a rut. I need an adventure. I do a few fun things that fill up my time. But that's all they are; fun things to fill up my time. I need something with more meat to it; a long term goal.

Took it easy Sunday. Had lunch with C3 and Bruce. I ran some errands and took a walk. Later on I went to the Cuff. It was very busy. Lot's of out-of-towners in for the long weekend.

Friday night, for the first time in months, I stayed home and slept. I was going to go to the Cuff, but as a pulled out of the drive way I noticed that I was really tired and probably wouldn't enjoy myself. I turned around and went to bed.

Saturday morning I had breakfast with C2. We told Karyn, the worlds best waitress, about Wednesday night. And asked here what she would have done if she found a homless person in her car. She gasped and thought about it for a minute. She said she really didn't know, but probably would have called 911.

Saturday it was Sunny. I went rollar blading. My rollar blades or old and need new wheels. I also slept out in the sun for a while.

In the evening I had an internet date. He was an ok guy but I'm not that attracted to him. There was something weird about him.

Later on I went to the Union Garage Theater. A comedy troup was performing there and C3 was part of one of the sketches. Bruce wasn't there. He's had a migrain.

There were about a dozen performers. There were only six people in the audience.

Most of the comedy was kind of lame.

I was supposed to film C3 and his sketch, but when he went on I couldn't get the video camera to work.

For the closing number, because the cast outnumber the audience, they called us all on stage and we did the can-can with them.

Afterwards C3 and I went to the Cuff for a beer. Rozalla was performing. I don't know why, but when ever a dance pop diva appears at the Cuff, dozens of drag queens come out. It really changes the crowd.

I had an eventful, fun night last night. Chris2 called me up and asked me if I wanted to go to Dan Savage's Valentines Bash. He said it should be fun.

We met before hand at Bauhau's coffee. While I was at Bauhau's, a bum walked by the door. Two people in Bauhau's noticed the bum, and made a b-line for the door, started shouting at the bum, telling him to go away. After a few minutes the bum left.

Now, C2 drives a very old car whose doors don't lock. When we left Bauhau's and walked towards C2's car, he noticed someone was in his car! We opened the doors and the bum popped out. C2 started screaming at the bum.

"Why are you in my Car!"
"I thought it was my Car."
"Bull Shit, you were trying to steal my stuff."
...

The shouting match went on for a few minutes. In the end we let him go. The bum didn't steel anything. C2 said there was nothing valuable in the car. The bum had opened up the glove compartment and removed the ashtray. Papers were all over the place.

We talked about it for a few minutes. C2 asked me what I would do if I found the guy in my truck I shrugged and said I probably would have done the same. He asked me if he should have punched the guy. I said probably not. He agreed-- that would just make an unpleasant situation worse. C2 said he was going to fill out a police report just to keep them informed.

We arrived at Dan Savage's Valentines Day Bash at about 7:30. To be admitted, you had to fill at a personal ad in the Stranger

The show started at about 8pm. It went like this... people got up on stage and with a memento left from a past relationship-- a love letter, a photo, divorce papers. The person would then tell the story of their breakup. Then, they would destroy the memento. After the memento was destroyed, the person got to grope the Dan Savage's "Muscle Boy" assistant. The whole time Dan Savage is making jokes and sarcastic remarks.

How were the mementos destroyed? They were shredded, burnt, bashed with hammers and baseball bats.

One man put a picture of his ex on the wall. The front row of the audience then threw tomatoes and chicken feet at it.

They blended some old love letters and valentines together with liver and ice cream. The mixture was feed to two huge dogs.

One guy smashed a music box with so much vigor that pieces of the music box were imbedded into the baseball bat.

One of the love letters had an ex's phone # on it. Dan Savage called the number up, got an answering machine, and then had the audience to shout "You're a shit!" as the message.

It was hilarious. There were many bitter people there.

Afterwards C2 and I went to the cuff for a drink. I met a nice guy there. He’s a chef. We talked a bit and I have him my number. I walked up to C.C’s to get omething to eat. He walked in a few minutes later. We chatted some more and he said that when I told him I was going to get something to eat, he figured I was going to C.C.’s since no other restaurants were open. He offered to drive me back to my truck and I accepted. We kissed a bit in his car. But, it was very late, so thanked him and said good night.

I hope he calls.

My law suit has been settled. I'm not sure of the details.

On Friday I received a letter from a lawyer saying the insurance company asked him to represent me and that I should call to set up an appointment. When I called and talked to a para-legal, she said the appointment was no longer necessary. The case had been settled. She didn't know terms-- I would receive a letter in the next few days describing the terms.

There are some irregularities in our hockey league that are bugging our team. We’ve played the same team 6 times out of 12 games. With 10 teams in our league, that’s weird. That team (The one we played last night) has two players that are much stronger than our level.

Also, we’ve played 3 teams that are in the level above us, and only 1 team in the level below us.

This may be just the losers justifying why they lost. But still, it’s annoying.

We played hockey tonight. We lost again. 5-1. My plus/minus was -1. This is frustrating. I can't play all the time.

It was a scappy game. A fight broke out on the ice. A fight broke out in the stands.

My sex drive has returned, with a vengance. It's hard to keep in in check.

Bruce is back at work. I had lunch with him today. It didn't really want to talk about it.

Chris3 and I went snowboarding today. Bruce couldn't make it. We had a great time.

At home tonight, I heard from Andy. Andy is a great friend. He used to be my best friend except he decided that he couldn't stand the Seattle rain, so he moved to Los Angeles. He was taungting me about how it was 80F and sunny in L.A. about how I would get a good boyfriend within a month in L.A. and about how the job situation was better in L.A.

He really wants me to move down there.

Andy and I were never lovers. We would never be lovers. We were just good friends. Maybe I could move to L.A. But, if I'm going to move away, I should consider other places as well. What about Louisiana or Texas?

Friday evening, I had dinner with Chris2. Six of us showed up for dinner-- P (who also works at the some company as me), E, Norm, Chris2 and Chris3. I met Norm a year ago and he hasn't changed a bit. His whole life revolves around chasing guys and having sex. That's also all he talks about.

After diner Chris3 and I headed up to the Cuff for a drink. Bruce was working late and Chris3 didn't want to be alone. We chatted with Chris6 and officer Rob for a while. Chris3 played pool. He said he now sucks at pool. He used to be very good but has stopped playing regularly.

At about midnight we I drove Chris3 back to his place. Bruce was already there. I ended up sleeping in their spare bedroom over night.

This morning, Bruce left to do some editing for his TV show. Chris3 and I slept in late, had breakfast and then walked along Alki beach. We had a good talk. He said he really likes it when I stay in touch with he and Bruce because I calm both of them down.

We met up with Bruce later on and watched the finished version of the show. It's not bad. For a zero budget TV show, it's great.

I drove home. Stopped at the the Oberto factory outlet and bought lots of jerky. I took a nap, worked out and updated my journal.

I called Chris3 this morning. He said Bruce was working on his resume. Bruce didn't want to talk to me.

I slept very badly last night. The Mothman Prophecies gave me the creeps. I kept having to look around to see if some one was there.

31 years old and I'm still afraid of ghosts.

I haven't heard from Bruce lately. I try calling him and emailing him some more.

I had a bad day at work today. I needed to help on a number of external problems. This ment I couldn't work on my stuff.

Tonight I went with the movie bears to see The Mothman Prophecies. It's a good basic ghost story.

Afterwards I went to the Cuff for a beer. I ran into Stephan-- a good friend of my ex Brian. Stephan and I chatted a bit and I asked him how Brian was doing. I haven't seen Brian in a few months. Stephan told me that Brian moved away. When I asked where, he said that he couldn't say. Brian asked him not to tell anyone. That makes sense for Brian. He doesn't like anyone knowing too much about him.

I wish Brian the best. Our three years together wern't all peaches and cream. But still, I hope he finds happiness.

After the Cuff I had dinner at C.C.'s Then I drove home, alone. It's raining very hard tonight.

I played hookey yesterday afternoon. The network went down. Rather than staring at my computer waiting for it to return, I went snowboarding. It felt good.

I made up for it by working yesterday evening.

Bruce, Chris and I had dinner together monday evening. I'm not sure what's going on in Bruce's head. Privatly he told me that he intends to move to Calgary. When Chris is around he talks and acts like he wants to straighten things out at work.

Hey John-- no fair. I haven't had sex since last year and I didn't intend that to be a one night stand. I wanted to see him again.

Bruce on the other hand is a different story.

Thanks for paying attention though.

I think Bruce has had another one of his blow ups. Last night at about 6:30 he called me and said things weren't gong well and that he might need a place to crash. I was on my way to hockey so I told him to call me back at 9:30. He didn't call back. I tried calling him at a few different numbers but didn't reach him. Today I received this email...

> Hey Barry,
> Chris let me stay the night last night. Obviously we have a lot of things to talk about.
>
> Unfortunately it seems we won't have that need. Chances at work are quickly going away. Chris is still hopefull. I have lost it.
> I suppose their is other possibilities like XXXX, etc. And I should be exploring it but that can be tomorrow. Currently I am requesting
> time off from work and they are even not saying yes to that.
>
> Thanks for being there last night when I needed you. I'm sorry I didn't call you back. It was kind of hectic at 9:30 and then got too
> late. I'm not sure whether in situations like that I should call anyway.
>

About hockey. We lost 5-4. We were down 5-1 at the beginning of the 3rd period and then rallied. To bad we couldn't have played the first two periods with the same energy.

Friday night, I had dinner with Chris2 and his friend David. Just as we started to eat, Bruce and Chris3 showed up. Chris3 and Chris2 don't really get along. Most of the dinner was fun, but every now and then Chris2 or Chris3 would ask the other an awkward question.

After dinner, I had coffee with C2. Bruce and C3 headed over to Guppy's-- a new gay bar in West Seattle. After coffee, I caught up with B&C3.

Guppy's isn't a bad bar. It's like almost every small town gay bar that I've ever been to.

While B and C2 were playing pool a guy walked up to me. We started talking. He was a nice guy. He gave me his telephone number and email address. After I went home, I searched for his email address and found his personal home page. There was nothing exciting on the homepage. But, at the bottom of the page there was a link to a web cam site. I clicked on the link and there he was-- jerking off on his web cam.

Next morning at breakfast I told Bruce and Chris3 about him. They had a good laugh. Chris3 wrote it down. He plans on using the story in some of his writing.

I spent most of Saturday with Bruce and Chris3. We moved the last of Bruce's stuff from his old apartment. C3 headed downtown too do some work. Bruce and I hung around my place for a while and then we drove over to Mercer Island for a walk. Merceer Island is very snotty. They don't have car washes. They have Auto Spas. They don't have pet stores. They have pet groceries.

Later in the afternoon Bruce had to do some editing so I hung out with C3. Mostly we napped and played some video games. At 8:30 we met up with Bruce at Chang's Mongolian Grill.

At Chang's, I ran into a co-worker. He's just bought a new car. His old car burnt up while he was driving. He was driving up to Snoqualmie Pass when the flames appeared. There were no big explosions. Only some popping when the tires blew out.

Afterwards we drove to ReBar for a drink and to see the art-- an artist that C3 likes was displaying paintings there. Rebar isn't a bad bar. Some of the guys there were break dancing.

I left B&C3 at the Rebar. the both said they were going home. I headed over to Sno-Blo. Sno-Blo is a winter bear party. This year it was at Pier 57. Mostly it was the Cuff crowd. I chatted to a few people, drank a few beers, and then headed home.

I did some research on how our company helps/disciplines problem employees

Then, last night I helped move the last of Bruce's stuff over to Chris3's. We talked about Bruce’s work problems. It sounds like his manager is being a jerk. None of Bruce's work issues are being documented in email or by HR. This probably means the manager is coming up with it himself. When you discipline an employee you must document everything or you are opening yourself up for a law suit. Also Bruce’s performance numbers, while not spectacular, do not indicate that he needs remedial action.

Chris3 suspects that the manager knows the Bruce is gay and is attempting to force him out. I’m not sure about that. But, they definitely have a personality conflict.

I've have this nagging doubt in my mind that Bruce has fibbed a bit about his performance numbers. He told me his numbers months ago, before his current problems came up. He may have padded them a bit. Now, rather than being caught in a lie, he's retelling the same numbers.

I don't know. I hope things work out.

I played hockey last night. We lost 6-0. Our first shut out of the season. The team is fairly demoralized. We are going to organize some practices.

Earlier I posted that Bruce was fired. It's not true. I'm not sure what's going on. I know that he's not working today. I know that yesterday he got into a fight with his manager. I think his manager is being a jerk-- unless Bruce is white lieing about the details.

Lately, I've been working late. I worked till 11pm on mon and Tuesday. Tonight I worked till 7:45. Then I drove downtown and saw The Count of Monte Cristo with the movie bears. It's a very good movie.

Afterwards I had a beer at the Cuff. I talked to a friend of Chris5. He said that Chris5 is back together with his ex, the ex before Harry. Oh well.

I did a light workout tonight. My shoulder felt much better after I exercised it.

I'm also working at home. I've got some research to do for Wednesday and it's not as simple as I thought.

Saturday morhing I had breakfast with Bruce and Chris2 at Van's. Chris2 was his usual bitter self. Chris2 invited us to a friends birthday party that evening. He said that the party was very large, but if anyone asked we had to say that Milton invited us.

There were a couple of other gay guys at Van's. One of them was kind of cute. I was hoping he would talk to me. But, I guess they were a "faithful couple". When they were far off they would eyeball us, but when they were walking by they ignored us.

After breakfast, I bought an X-Box. I spent most of yesteday playing Oddworld. It's a big waste of time, but it's fun.

In the evening, Chris2 called and said it was snowing fairly hard where he lived, so he wasn't going to go to the birthday party. Bruce and I talked shortly afterwards. We agreed to get together at the Cuff at around 10pm. At about 9:30pm, it was snowing hard where I live. So, I called Bruce and backed out of the Cuff. Bruce and I decided to meet at Vans for breakfast on Sunday.

Well, it's Sunday morning and it's still snowing. Seattle has shut down. Bruce called and said that he couldn't make it to Van's. So I guess I have an excuse to play Oddworld all day.

I should work out as well. Some of my shoulder muscles are bugging me. The first time I worked out, after talking three weeks off for Christmas, I went at it full intensity. I did some dumbell flys with 60lbs dumb bells. Well, I should have worked my way up to 60lbs. I ended up straining some muscles. Now I'm down to doing chest pressess with just the bar.

I also have to do some paperwork-- I'm refinancing my house. In addition, I've got a bit of work-work to do.

I guess I can't play Oddworld today.

The Accident.

The accident wasn't that exciting. It happened at around 10pm on November 5th 1998; the first heavy rain of the year. I had dinner downtown, including a pint of beer. I drove back home at about 55mph (to my recolection) I was driving in the right lane of the 520. A white SUV infront of me started to quickly slow down. I slowed down to keep pace with the SUV. Then the SUV jumped to the left lane. In front of the SUV was a car going much more slowly. I couldn't slow down faster to avoid the car, and I rear-ended it.

Her car was a written off. When I rear-ended it, I pushed it into the guard rails. The front end of my truck was all smashed up. There were no critical injuries. An ambulance appeared, looked over her and let her go.

I was charged with driving too fast given the circumstances. I was also given a field sobriety test. Nothing materialized from that.

Well, three years pass and I never heard from her. Because I haven't had any other claims or traffic infractions since then my insurance rates finally returned to normal. Not that they were that high-- we're talking about a 10% difference. Then, Thursday night while I was cooking dinner, I heard a knock at the door. A woman asked me if I was BC. I said yes. She handed me some paper work and left.

The paper work doesn't say how much she is asking for. She alleges that I was driving 75mph and she was driving 45. She also said I made no effort to stop. As a result of the accident she is in constant pain and experiencing an associated loss of quality of life. She was single at the time. She's married now. Here husband is also suing. As a result of the accident, he is experiencing a loss of companionship from her.

I went to Chris1's Birthday party tonight. I ran in to several people that I only see once or twice a year-- at my birthday, at Chris1's.

There was some drama at the party. I didn't clue into it. I just noticed that 3 of the guys left early. Chris1's room mate made a joke that was taken the wrong way by some of the guests. The left and the room mate spent a couple of hours in his room. He came out of his room by midnight.

Also, Chris1 mentioned that all is not well with Bruce at work. This kind of suprized me because Bruce has never mentioned anything to me.

Bruce didn't show up till late. When he did show up, Chris1 said to Bruce, "I thought you'd talk to Barry about work stuff." Bruce said that he didn't want me to know. Then Bruce turned to me and told me that he was on a PIP. At work, before they fire you, management puts you on a Personal Improvement Plan. Basically they give you six weeks to improve your performance. Bruce's PIP started in mid December.

I hope things work out for Bruce. I wish he would have asked for help. I can't do his work, but I understand how to play our companies game a bit better than he does.

Chris1 said that Bruce said that if things didn't work out, Bruce was going to move back to Vancouver or Toronto. I'm tired of losing close friends. It's been a year and a half since Andy moved away.

I talked to my insurance company today. The claim manager said he didn't remember how much I was being sued for. He did remember the amount was covered by my insurace policy.

I wrote Master Mark back and told him that I was backing out. I really don't want to try and be a sex slave again.

Busted…

Three years ago last November I got into an accident. I rear-ended a car on the freeway. Tonight I was served papers. She is suing m. I’ll contact my lawyer and the insurance company in the morning.

Oh yeah, I said yes to Master Mark’s offer.

I went to movie bears last night. We saw Brother Hood of the Wolf It was a subtitled french film, but the story was pure hollywood action adventure. It was a bit too long, but other than that it was good.

Afterwards I went out to the Cuff and chatted with Roger and James. I met Roger at a couple of Ryan and Jen's parties. Roger mentioned that he didn't know I was gay until he ran into me at the Cuff. We chatted for a couple of hours about nothing in particular.

This morning I got the following email from Master Mark....

> Hi Barry, I know you don't want to continue what we were doing before,
> but I have a proposition for you. I have a friend from LA, his name is XXX,
> He is in town on business
> occasionally, and I have in the past lined up hot guys for him to work over
> with me. I might have mentioned him to you. Anyway, he's going to be in
> town Fri/Sat Feb 1/2, and I thought of you...

Maybe. Maybe not.

Bruce and Chris showed up at my office last night. We chatted a while and then header for dinner at Oba's; a Mexican restaurant in Redmond. Bruce is having some doubts about moving in with Chris. I don't think he wants someone to know where he is almost all the time. Over dinner, Chris offered to help in pack some of his stuff. Bruce said no and wouldn't give a reason why. He wanted Chris to work out for a while. Chris and I carefully tried to get Bruce to accept Chris's offer of help, but he wouldn't budge and wouldn't say why.

I wish he wouldn't do that. It kind of worries me when he's vague and secretive. I hope things work out for them.

I played hockey afterwards. We lost 7-2. It was a frustrating game. The other team was one level above us. I played well though. Only two goals were scored against us while I was on the ice.

I worked late today. I even worked from home. I'm almost caught up from all the crap that happened last week. My manager stopped by to tell me that she understands-- shit happens.

I had lunch with Bruce today. Over the weekend his team moved to the building right next to me. I guess we are going to have lunch together much more often.

I slept over night at and I had breakfast with Bruce and Chris. Actually, I ended up making breakfast for Bruce and Chris. Chris started to make breakfast, but he's easily distracted when it comes to cooking. So, I started making the pancakes because I was hungry. Then I made the bacon. Then I made the eggs. He did crack the eggs. He also mixed the pancake batter.

I worked a bit in the afternoon. I have to write my performance review.

I also bought a new bench, a barbell and weights. Till now I've been working out with dumb bells. With heavier dumb bells, you have to be careful when exercising your chest. It’s easy to muck up your shoulders. Well. I worked out with dumb bells on Saturday. My shoulders are still bugging me today. So, I decided that before I really wreck my shoulders, I’m going to get a barbell and supports.

I had dinner at C.C.’s and beer at the Cuff. I ran into many people that I knew. Chris6 was there, as was George and Officer Robert. Rob got fairly drunk. We he left, he said going home because he was frustrated. He also hinted that he’d like to see me. I told him that I’d like to have dinner sometime, so we exchanged numbers. I’m not sure how to proceed here. Rob is a great guy, but he’s not really my type.

Saturday morning, I had breakfast with Bruce and Chris. Afterwards, they went to Bruce's place to move some his stuff over to their new place. I went home, worked, worked out, and waited till the inspector came by to test the fire alarms.

I live in a townhouse in Redmond. About a month ago one of the units burnt down. I don't know why. Anyways, they decided to send an inspector around to test all the fire and heat detectors.

In the afternoon Bruce, Chris and I headed down to Tacoma to visit the antique stores. We stumbled across a cool junk store called Ramp Art. The junk was crammed in with narrow paths weaving through it. Through out the store there were disembodied maniques done up in add ways-- a pair of legs sitting on a chair, a torso with a blender instead of a head.

Bruce and Chris ended up buying a few paintings and posters, a jacket, some kitchen stuff and a small table. One poster warned women of strange men who wanted to auto-drive to cafe's and movies. It could lead to sexual relations. And that could lead to disease and pregancy. Know the man you are with!

I bought nothing. I'm not big into shopping. When I know I want something, I buy it, but I'm never on the lookout for deals.

We had dinner at the Southern Kitchen and then headed for Redmond. Bruce had to edit his TV show, so he left us. Chris and I watched most of the directors commentary for American Beauty. Since he's a budding director, he gets a lot out of that.

Chris and I left my place and we headed for theirs. We watched Requeim for a Dream. It's a great movie that's very intense and depressing. No happy ending.

Bruce got back when about 5 minutes of the movie was left; at about 1am. We talked a bit, then they pulled out a futon and I slept there for the night.

Had a bad day at work today. Small emergencies kept popping up.

Ate dinner at home. I listened to an interesting documentary on This American Life on why the American Psychiatry Assoication stopped labeling homosexuality as a disease.

I drove down to Bruce and Chris's for a while. We watched a few episodes of Sex and the City. Afterwards, I went to the Cuff. I ran into Chris6 and officer Rob. We chatted a bit. I got bored. it wasn't a great night at the Cuff. So, I left.

Work went ok today. A couple of minor emergencies cropped up. They still haven't been solved, but we working on them.

I left work early today for snowboarding with Chris6. We had fun. The first two or three times down the hill Chris was falling over constantly. By the end of the evening, he was much stronger.

He told me his side of what happened between he and his ex. It started out as a verbal argument. Chris needed to use the shower. The ex was talking his time. After about 15 minutes, he opened the bathroom door. The ex slammed it shut. They pushed and shoved the door and ended up breaking it. At some point after the door broke, the ex called 911 and said the Chris attacked him with a knife.

Chris said he's finally putting his ex behind him. He's still worried that the ex will pull a stunt on him. After all last Sunday his ex spat at him at the Cuff.

I've been trying to evaluate Chris, his ex, and who is telling the truth. Robert, a police officer, said he heard the 911 tape. In his opinion the ex sounded too calm to have been attacked by a knife.

Anyways, Chris6 said he's probably not capable of falling in love right now. He also said that lately he hasn't had much of a sex drive. We walked past a good looking man and he told me that for the first time in weeks he felt an attraction to a man. It was good to know those bits were still working.

Last night I went to see Gosford Park with the movie bears. Gosford Park is one of those well made/well acted movies that is too long. It has lots of people just standing around and talking. For the most part it's ok, because what they say and how they say it is interesting.

After the movie, I stopped by the Balitc room to catch up with Bruce and Chris. B&C were there with a lesbian couple. I'm 90% sure one of the lesbians used to be a man. She has big hands, big shoulders and a masculine voice

Bruce has an idea for a short film. He wants to get guys to tell stories about their foreskins. We talked about how to pull that off-- how to make men comfortable enough to tell a stories about their foreskins.

We went to the Cuff afterwards. Robert, the cop was there. We chatted for a while and talked about the Cuff gang. It seams that everyone I hand around at the Cuff is on the rebound.

Played hockey last night. We lost 5-1. I got an interferance penalty. On the plus side, I finally have good cardio. I was skating at full speed without running out of breath.

I also got my hair cut yesterday. The barber trimmed my ears. I'm trying to remember the first time the barber offered to trim my ears and eyebrows. I'm getting old. Hair is starting to pop up in all kinds of ugly places. It's slowly moving down my neck and onto my back. Ten more years and I might have a hairy back.

Ordinary day. At work we had security training.

When I got home, I ate some leftovers, and cycled a bit. On Saturday, while I was snowboarding, I pulled a muscle in my neck. It hurts when I stress it, so I'm not going to work out till it get's better. Besides that, I have hockey tomorrow night. I'll get plent of exercise then.

I had breakfast with Bruce this morning. I mentioned that I'm going to show Chris6 how to snowboard this Thursday. We ended up debating if this was a date or not. I don't think it's a date. I think Chris6 just wants to do something fun. Bruce says it's probably a date. Karyn, our waitress, said I should ask.

This afternoon, for the first time in months, I washed the truck. It was covered with dirt. It’s been raining so much for the past few months that I haven’t had a chance to keep it clean.

I went out to the Cuff tonight. I ran into Chris6 and George (The nice guy I met on Friday) Right now Chris6 is having big problems with his ex. This is Chris6’s side of the story. A few months ago, Chris6’s ex called 911 and said that Chris6 attacked him with a knife. Over time the ex recanted his story-- said that he made it up. Chris6 and the ex started talking about what happened between each other. Last week, the charges against Chris6 were dropped. However, on Saturday, when Chris6 told his ex that they would not be moving in with each other again, the ex got blew up. Tonight the ex was also at the Cuff. The ex spat on Chris6 and then left.

George and I talked a while. He seems to be a nice guy. He’s also on the rebound. I think he moved to Seattle for love, but ended up being dumped shortly after he arrived. Chris6 called George a wounded puppy. That’s a bit true. But George doesn’t strike me as the kind of man who would be down long. Still, it’s going to be a while before I sleep with George. I want to get to know him better first. Hell, he may not even call me. Mind you, we did kiss and hold hands for a while. He also said he would call.

After George left, Chris6 and I started talking. He asked me why I wanted a boyfriend. With my looks and body I should have no problems having fuck buddies or getting laid. I told him I wanted more than that. I liked to sleep with man and to do things with him. He said he understood. Those were the things he missed most about his ex.

Then Chris6 asked me if I wanted to sleep with him. I winced and said politely said no. He asked why. I stumbled to explain things. I promised myself I wouldn’t see two guys at the same time. That Chris6’s life was kind of complex right now and I needed something simple.

If circumstances were different I would date Chris6. But they are not.

Do men I find attractive always travel in pairs?

Had an early night on Friday. I went out to the Cuff. I met a nice guy and I gave him my number. I doubt that he'll call. I ran into another Chris; Chris6. I've known Chris6 for years. When he heard that I snowboard, he gave me his number and said he wanted to try it. Tentativly we are going snowboarding this Thursday. It's not a date. Just something to do.

Speaking of snowboarding-- today Ryan, Jen, two of their friends E&L and I, went to Steven's Pass. Jen is a big skiier and she's been trying to get Ryan to try it out for a long time. She finally convinced him to try Ski Boarding. It looks kind of fun. Eric skii's. Lisa was a novice. She took a snowboarding lesson and hung around the beginners hill.

We had a good time. It was snowing, but not so bad that it was unbearable. Today was the first day that I felt comfortable on the snowboard. I made turns without thinking; worring if I had enough space or if it was too steep. I had a few good runs. I also took a few spectacular falls.

Snowboarding is much more unstable than skiing or ski boarding. You fall constantly the first 2 days. Even after you become good, you still fall. Skiing and Ski boarding on the other hand are very stable sports. You learn the basics very quickly and with some effort, never fall.

Once, when Jen and I were on the lifts, she confessed that Chris3 does make here feel uncomfortable. She knows he's not a bad man. Just just doesn't like being around him. Oh well. Nothing I can do here.

So, Yesterday, Jen emailed Bruce to invite him to snowboard. Good. Bruce and Chris3 can't go, but it removes any awkwardness from the situation. We're meeting at 7:30am in Duvall. Bleah. even during the week, I don't get out of bed till 8:30am.

I had lunch with Bruce today. Chris3 is flying back from NY and he's looking forward to being with him again.

Simple night. I bought groceries. Worked out. Ate. Updated my journal.

An old fuck buddy called. I haven't heard from him for months and months. I told him I wasn't interested in getting together.

I worked out tonight.

Later on, I went to movie bears. We saw Burnt Money. It's an ok picture about a two gay lovers who are also bank robbers. It follows them on a heist that goes wrong and eventually leads to their death.

Chris2 was there. He was his usual bitter self. Burnt Money is spanish and subititled in english. When he saw this, he groaned and bitched about having to use his brain.

Afterwards Chris2 and I went to the Cuff for a beer. I talked to a few people. Didn't see anyone interesting.

A long time ago, after Bob left me, my sex drive went away completly. I didn't jerk off for weeks. When I did, I didn't use sex fantasies. I just emptied my mind and JO'd. JOing and fantasizing just reminded me how lonely I was and how badly I wanted to be with someone. The same thing is happening again. I don't want to think about sex or holding someone. I feel bad about Harry and Chris5.

Had lunch with Bruce. His team is moving to a building right next to mine. His old building was about a 10 minute walk. I guess this means that Bruce and I will have lunch together much more often.

Played hockey tonight. We lost 5-4 in sudden death overtime. I had a fairly good game. There were many penalties. It didn't help that one of our better players spent 10 minutes in the penalty box.

Ryan and Jen have invited me to go snowboarding with them this Saturday at Steven's pass. They didn't invite Bruce and Chris3. I think that Jen feels slightly uncomfortable around Chris3. R&J have B&C's email addresses and would have invited them if they wanted. They also know that Bruce is a snowboard instructor and would jump at any chance to go snowboarding at Steven's. This puts me in a bit of an awkward position. I'll try and casually mention this to Ryan and see what he says.

Back to work today. It took a lot of effort to drag my ass out of bed. I'd love to take a month off to snowboard, hike and play hockey. Nothing exciting at work.

I heard from Chris5. He said lunch with me would be good, but he'd get back to me with a day and a time-- he's very busy right now. I can't tell if he's being honest or giving me the brushoff.

I'm going to workout tonight-- for the first time in 3 weeks.

I had Breakfast with Bruce again.

Afterwards I went snowboarding at Snoqualmie. It was lightly raining. I was soaked after about an hour, so I called it a day. I napped till late afternoon, had some dinner and then headed down to the Cuff. It was a quiet night. I talked to a few people, watched "Shrek" and then left for home.

Bruce and I had dinner tonight at the Tropea Ristorante Italiano. It was good. For some reason Bruce has made it our goal to find the best Tiramisu in Seattle, so now we are going to have to tour the different Italian restaurants. Tropea's tiramisu was ok, but not great.

Afterwards I went downtown to the Seawolf, and then the Cuff. I ran into Darryl there. Darryl is HIV+, but we both find each other attractive. He gave me his number, and asked me to call. I told him it could be a while, since I'm dating someone. I'm not really dating someone. I'm just hoping that Chris5 and I will get together.

Harry was at the Cuff. We said "Hi" to each other, but not much more.

I've been playing a lot of Oddworld on Chris3's X-box. I'll be glad when he comes back from NY to take the box away. It's a big time sink.

I forced myself to go snowboarding yesterday. It was fun. I went boarding in the morning, napped in the afternoon, and then went down town for dinner with Chris2 and Bruce.

After dinner Bruce asked me to go with him to check on Chris3's place. Chris3's ex has been giving him problems. Bruce wanted to make sure someone was there just in case something went wrong. It sounds like the ex promised he would move out by September but hasn't. Now the ex's father has died, and it's going to be another month before his stuff is gone. Meanwhile, Chris3 is having problems finding another roommate since he can't commit to a time when the ex's bedroom will be free. In addition, Bruce doesn't feel comfortable moving in with Chris3 until the ex is gone, but Bruce has given notice that he's moving out of his apartment at the beginning of February.

Chris3's place was all right. The ex wasn't there. Bruce thanked me and then dropped me off at the Cuff. It was a quiet night. I had a beer and then left.

This morning I had breakfast with Bruce. We talked about Chris5. I'd like to date him, but he hasn't returned my call. He might be out of town. Or, word may have gotten to him that Harry and I recently had relations-- Chris5 and Harry share a loose lipped, mean, gossipy friend. Since Chris5 is Harry's ex, that may have turned him off me.

I've got all these obsessive stalking urges that I have to keep in check. It's hard. I think keeping the journal helps me with this, since it allows me to vent and to clearly state what I'm feeling. I don't tell my real feelings to anyone.

Played hockey tonight. We won 7-0. I got two tripping penalties.

Chris3 left his X-Box at my house. I was playing video games all day. I've got to keep it off tomorrow.

Yesterday, after talking with Bruce and Chris3 about it, I called Chris5 and asked him out. I haven't heard back from him. Maybe he's been talking to Harry and now want's to keep some distance. Maybe's he's just busy. We'll see.

"Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day." -unknown.

Chris's 2002 is also off to a good start. Chris's ex is moving out of Chris's house. The ex has taken 2 week longer to move than planned. Today they got into a big argument over it. Chris changed the locks. The ex ended up calling Bruce, and threating to get the police to break the locks. This story hasn't ended yet.

The 3 of us had dinner at my place. Chris brought over his X-Box. He's applying to the X-Box group, so he's studying a few of its games. They left it at my place I played with it for a few hours. I really should find better things to do with my time. Right now, I just want to be pleasantly entertained. No responsibilites. No thinking.

Happy new years.

Had a mixed couple of days.

I spent New Years Eve at Ryan and Jen's. Bruce and Chris were also there. It was fun.

Bad day today. I went over to Harry's to help him paint. After a while FB showed up. We had a bit of small talk, and than FB quickly left. Harry was very moody afterwards. Finally he told me that he didn't want to be pressured at all by FB or by me. He needs to be single for a while. I said goodbye to him and left.

I'm back now. I spent the past week in Pembroke Ontario, with my parents

If my friends in Toronto are conservative compared to my friends on Seattle, then my family is way right wing. My parents, uncles, aunts, cousins, go to Church once or twice a week, pray after every meal, some of them thump the bible. A cousin was given a book about muslim, but was afraid to bring it home because it would violate the Christian sanctity of his house.

There isn't much to do in Pembroke. So that we would have something to do, for Christmas I gave my brother a dart board. My brother is very competative with me. We wrestled a bit, although, he's 6'11'', and 260lbs, so if he pushes his weight around, I don't stand a chance. He also beet me at darts and at cards. I gloated big time every time he won. It's amazing how family pushes your buttons.

For Christmas, I got a boot scrubber, a big bottle of maple syrup and a shirt.

My parents both drive school buses for extra money. Half the kids on the busses gave them chocolates or cookies for Xmas. So, we had pounds and pounds of sweets to eat over the holidays.

Spending time with my father is weird. We get along, but we don't talk. We silently work together. The two of us spent a couple of afternoons doing odd jobs around their farm.

Friday evening I spent with M&S, and baby O. O is sick right now, but not so sick that you can't make here feel better by distracting her. She seems to hate me. M&S told me not to take it personaly. Except for S, there are very few men in O's life. When she runs into a strange man, she is very weary.

After dinner with M&S, I went downtown to my old haunt, the Black Eagle. It hasn't changed since I left Toronto. I was talking to one of the bartenders about it and he mentioned that yes, the Eagle, and gay Toronto in particular, has held it's breath for the past 5 years. Everything has aged a bit, but that's it.

Several guys bought me beers. It's good to know I'm still desired. I ended up running into an old drinking buddy. We closed the Eagle. It's not so bad for me. Seattle is three hours off of Toronto and I've been keeping Seattle time. So, when the bars closed at 2am, it only felt like 11pm.

Saturday I had lunch with BP. BP told me his .com tale of woe. He was briefly a multi-millionare. Then the company stocked plunged by $90.00 a share.

Saturday evening, I took it easy with J&E. We had dinner and then watched TV.

Sunday, I had lunch with Lliam. He's over the flu now. We walked down Young street and marveled at all the new construction that's on hold. Work has paused on two new sky-scrapers. Between September 11 and the recession, there isn't the same demand for office space as there was a year ago

Sunday evening, J&E threw a "Wecome Barry back to Toronto" party. I saw many people I haven't seen in a long time. It struck me how different my Toronto friends are from my Seattle friends. My Seattle friends are more out there-- more colourful. They talk about weird porn and sex. They swear. They dye their hair. They rent their homes and have lots of credit card debt. My Toronto friends are very conservative-- even my gay friends. They own houses and have babies. They have stable well paying careers. They are becomming part of the old-boys (and girls) network. It's a very different feel.

Tonight at the party some of the girls talked about their "Craft Horror Stories." In 1993, J started to knit two sweaters. Last year, she gave up on knitting them, and gave them to N to finish. N is trying to do so, but because the original wool was bought in 1993, she's having problems finding enough matching wool to complete the project.

Three and a half years ago, F started a needle point picture which was to be a house warming gift for her parents new condo. The parents have now lived in the condo for a year and a half.

We also talked about how to manage living with your parents over Christmas. I have it easy. I only see my parents once or twice a year for a few days at a time. We don't really get on each others nerves. Not so with many of my Toronto friends. They get all stressed and weirded out talking about their parents.

I had lunch with K. today. He's a bit aimless right now. He quit his job about a year ago, and has just been traveling and working on fun projects. His money is running out though, so he's been looking for some contract work. He also wants to move to Germany. When I asked him why, he said that he wants to go someplace with no responsibilities or obligations. He also wants to study Aikido a Gernmany has a good Aikido acadamy. Finally, he wants to learn German. If anyone else had given those reasons, I would have called "Bull Shit."

I watched friends and survivor over at B's place.

Finally, I went downtown and spent the evening with Lliam. We chatted the night away about BF's and hockey and work. I'd like to spend more time with him, but he's just getting over a flu. He's resting constantly.

I'm noticing the effects of HIV more often. I'm seeing people that I haven't seen in years. AIDS is making them thin and frail. None of my friends are infected, but some people I used to run into often, and just say "hi" to, now look very gaunt.

I've been in Toronto for a few days now. The trip was fairly uneventfull. Thanks to Sept 11, the lineups at the airport were long. It took an hour to get through the metal detectors. I think they've set them to maximum sensitivity. The eyeletes in my shoes are metal. They had me take my shoes off so they could run them through the x-ray machine

I'm staying at G&J's place. Their baby J, is doing well. He's walking around now and starting to talk.

Tuesday I did a bit of shopping. The Canadian dollar is worth about 65 cents U.S.

Tuesday evening I had dinner with J&E, and their baby J. E is dark asian and J is light caucasion. When baby J was born, he had dark black asian hair, but now that he's almost a year old, his hair has turned blond.

Baby J likes to rough-house. He loves being picked up and flown around. I'm kind of worried that I'm going to drop him, or squeeze him too tight. But, J&E don't care. Apparently J is more rough with the baby than I am and it just makes baby J laugh louder.

Played hockey tonight. We won 5-4. I had a good 1st and 2nd period. But, I sucked in the 3rd. It was a scrappy game. I manged to trip a couple of people without getting caught. One of our D's got a stick in the face and got a bloody mouth. After that, he went out for revenge. He hip checked a guy, but the ref saw it.

Harry's ex, Chris5, and I agreed to get together Friday for lunch. About 20 minutes before I left, I got this from Harry...

> Hey Barry. Just a note to say hello. We need to get
> together soon again. It was really good to see you
> and to feel you and kiss you again.
>
> Give me a shout.
>
> Hey I ordered all of my windows for the house
> yesterday. It is going to look so much better with
> new windows.
>
> What are you doing this weekend. Give me a call and
> stop by if you get a chance. I might go into
> Seattle
> tonight. Depends on how tired I am after working on
> the house.
>

So, I had lunch with Chris5. We had a good time. It was sunny after lunch, so we took a walk along the creak. We found a private spot, sat down and chatted a while, and kissed a bit.

I left bit annoyed with myself, and confused. I called Harry up Friday afternoon. We talked a bit. He said I didn't really know what was going on in his life. He hadn't had sex with the FB in a while. Also, he ended up not spending last Saturday night at FB's

Harry and I agreed to get together Saturday night.

Friday night, Chris2, Chris3, Bruce and I went to a private party hosted by some of Chris2's co-workers. On our way in, Chris2 said "I hope so and so is here, because I want to insult him." Chris2 is kind of fun to be with. To most people, he's not a very nice man. I haven't suffered his wrath yet. In fact, he mentioned that I am one of the few people he knows that he hasn't insulted.

We didn't know anyone there. Chris3 and I sat down at a table with a group of people who were telling cop-escape stories. After a few minutes, one of the people turned to Chris3 and said "Hey, you're a cop.. Aren’t you?" Chris3, being a big bullshitter, said “Yes”, and went a long with it. He looks the part.

At about 10pm, Chris3 and Bruce left to see Chris1. Chris2 and I went to RockBottom for food and drinks.

I puttered around Saturday. Saturday evening I went over to Harry's. I helped him paint his bathroom. He has no furniture in his house, so we had a picnic by the fireplace.

He mentioned that Friday night he talked to Chris5. Chris5 told him that we talked at movie bears and had lunch on Friday. At that point I thought I was busted, but Harry just used the opportunity to vent about Chris5.

I ended up having a great time. I spend the night. I think Harry had a great time too. The next morning, we he realized that I was leaving for Toronto on Monday, he looked disappointed.

I really like Harry. I guess I have to figure out what to tell Chris5. On Friday at lunch I agreed to go out with Chris5 on a real date. At that time I thought I was out of Harry’s picture. I owe Chris5 an explanation so that he doesn't think it's something he did. But, at the same time I don’t want to say "I can't date you because I am pursuing your ex."

There are too many Chris's in my life. Chris3, Bruce's boyfriend, wants to be Chris1. Instead, Bruce and I have started referring to the Chris's by their last names. It doesn't feel right though.

I just took a good walk up the hill behind my house. It's very windy out. even the clouds are moving fast.

So, how close does a potential BF have to be? Close enough that I can see him once or twice a week. I don't want a long distance relationship. Nor can I move. I'm in the U.S. on a work visa that is tied to my job. If I quit, then I have to move back to Cananda. I'm working on a green card, but I don't have that yet.

Bruce and Chris are now DP'd (Domestic Partnered). They did it to get Chris on Bruce's medical insurance. Over lunch I called them married. They broke out in goofie grins and started debating who was the wife and was the husband.

Last night I went to "movie bears". Once a week a group of guys from the bear community get together and see a movie. This week it was Ocean's Eleven. Good, but completly forgetable.

Afterwards, we headed up to the Cuff for drinks. There, I ran into another Chris-- Harry's ex. He's a really nice guy. We work at the same company so we have a fair amount in common. We are going to have lunch on Friday.

Today over lunch, I talked about the Harry's ex Chris with Bruce and Chris. I was analyzed the situation bringing up the pros and cons of dating the Harry's ex Chris. Chris cut me off and said that it's ok to have fun. I should just and go out with him. Forget about the details and just enjoy myself. If it works out great. If it doesn't, it doesn't.

I didn't tell B&C this; last night I had a sex dream about Harry's ex Chris.

There are too many Chris's in my life.

Sunday I hung around at Bruce and Chris's again. We watched some of the Chris' experimental films. Yikes! He's made "O.J.'s secret tape." and "Candi's Picnic." Candi's Picnic contains almost every sex-fetish you'll ever run into, yet it's done in the style of a children's movie-- everything is plush, cute and cuddly. I also saw some of his industrial stuff, including an 8 minute piece about the installation of a million dollar painting at MS.

Sunday evening, we went to the Beacon Hill Pub for a beer. It used to be a neighborhood gay bar. Now it's a straight club. They had the worst karioke that I have ever heard.

I've been working late this week. Next week I'm going on Vacation to Toronto, so I want to finish off my work projects before I leave.

I don't have much else to write about. I did write a short essay about my husband hunt. After I read it, it sounded whiny and stupid. Most every man who has ever wanted a husband has been in the same situation I am. There is nothing new about my husband hunt. I just have to meet a guy I'm attracted to, date him and hope for the best. Meeting someone you are attracted to, who is available, and who lives close enough to you so that you can date them, has never been easy for anyone.

Had an Ok day. Bad night.

I went over and had breakfast at Bruce and Chris's. We sat around and watched movies all day. The titles I remember are The Sweet Hereafter and Cecil B. DeMented

The Sweet Hereafter is one of those great movies that you won't like. It's about a school bus accident that kills many of a small town's children and a lawyer trying to convince the grieving parents to hire him to sue whoever may be responsible. It's very depressing and doesn't have a happy ending. The bus accident scene is very effictive. Instead of seeing a spectacular crash, you see something very low key. Instead of being entertained by an explosion, you are left with the feeling that you witnesed a horrible accident.

Had dinner at Bruce and Chris's

I went out to the Cuff later. Didn't have a good night. I ran into Darryl. A long time (6 months?) ago I gave my number to Darryl . He never called. We flirted a bit tonight. He said he still had my number, so I said "Call me". As I was leaving he pulled me aside and told me why he didn't call-- he's HIV+

Why can't I find something simple? All I want is a healthy, good, straight acting man who lives within driving distance. I don't think I'm too picky. Lately my luck is just shit.

Yes! No! Shit.

This morning I got this email from Harry...

> Hey thank you for coming over last weekend, it was
> wonderful spending time with you, hope we can spend
> more time together soon.
>
> Sorry if FB seemed a little pushy tword me, I need to
> get it through his head that we are not an item, just
> fuck buddies right now. I don't want a relationship
> right now.
>
> Anyway take care and give me a call.
>

Well. I called Harry and asked him if he wanted to have dinner Saturday night. He said he couldn't make it. He had a previous engagement that he couldn't get out of. In particular, he was going to spend the night at FB's place.

At this point, I’m giving up on Harry-- at least for a few months.

Played hockey. Lost again 4-2.

At work, I'm no longer on loan. The other team has completed their back log and no longer needs me.

I'm on edge waiting for Harry to call me. My gut tells me he's not going to call. But still, it's disappointing. It could mean that he's not interested. It could mean that he's busy. I talked to Bruce about it. Bruce is of the opinion that Harry and I are probably going to get back together agian, but it's going to take a long time to smooth things out. Bruce said that right now, Harry has the power. For the first time since Harry and I met, Harry has some power over me. So, I should expect Harry to flex it a bit. Not because he's mean, but because he's being cautious.

Nothing much has happened over the past few days. Working Hard. Cleaning a bit when I get home.

I had lunch with Bruce today. He asked me how my motorcycle course went. I lied and told him that I past.

No, I didn't hurt myself. I've had two people ask me that. Thanks for caring.

I dropped the bike on a low speed sharp turn. The drill was, from a high speed, rapidly break and then at a very slow speed (1st gear plus half clutch) follow a path that is about 4 feet wide with a 90 degree turn in it. Well, twice I hit the front break. Not much, but just enough to skid out in the sharp turn.

Last night I was over at Harry's new house. He's going to have a good place. It needs a coat of paint everywhere and new carpets. It looks like it was last painted in the late 60's.

It's got a great view.

He buttered me up a bit. He told me he was very glad I came over. He said that he missed me. He said I was as handsom as ever. He also said he didn't want to just jump into another relationship. When I told him I understood that he needed time and space. He told that wasn't what he ment. What he ment was that he just wanted to date for now.

He grabbed me and we kissed a while. We didn't go farther than that-- Harry's friends showed up. We drank some beer, retiled his part of his shower and then went out for dinner and drinks. I left for home at about 11:30. Harry thanked me for comming and said that he would call.

We'll see. This is going to be a slow ride. All I can do is relax and let it happen.

Fucker.

I failed out of my motorcycle safety class. The rule is, if you drop the bike twice, then you would be asked to leave. Well, I dropped the bike twice. The instructor gave me the option of staying. I said no. I was too wound up. Knowing that they were bending the rules bugged me too much.

Now, I've got to lay low this weekend. I don't want anyone to know that I failed out. Not many people know that was talking the course. Bruce does, as do a few people from work.

Bwahaha. Harry has invited me over to his place. I can't get ahead of myself though. It's innocent. His house closed today. This weekend, I'm taking a motorcycle safety course in south seattle-- near his house. After the course he's invited me over to see his place.

I played hockey last night. It was a frustrating game. We lost 8-2. The frustrating part is that, while I was on the ice, only two goals were scored. The other D play too offensivly. The minute we get a goal behind, they stop playing defense, and start playing like offence. And then another goal goes in.

Ryan dislocated his shoulder so he didn't play. I have to give him a call to see how he's doing.

Hmmm. Harry just gave me a call. I told him about my trip to Mt. Hood. When he heard that only Bruce, Chris and I went, he said I should have grabbed him to go.

Last night, I ran into Allan, the guy who stiffed me. I ignored him. He tackeled me, apologized, offered to pay me back, and bought me a drink. He said he was a bit stoned when he walked out on me. To further apologize, he offered to share some of his cocaine with me. Uhhh... how kind of him. I turned down the offer. We chatted for a few minutes and then I left. It looks like he's a fairly heavy drug user-- that's bad news. Stay away.

I had a great weekend. I will never forget skinny dipping in a blizzard.

It’s about a 5 hour drive from here to the Timberline Lodge. Most of it was uneventful—except for the last 6 miles. As we drove up the mountain, it started to blizzard. The last 6 miles is steep winding, icy and snowy. I haven’t driven in snow for a few years. I ditched the truck. Fortunately it was easy to push out. A good Mexican man with 4WD helped us. After that I put chains on the truck. The Mexican followed us the rest of the way up the hill to make sure we were ok. It’s amazing how long 6 miles is when you can only go 15/20 MPH. When we got to the top of the hill, we gave the man $10.00, and invited him in for a drink. He said no because he had to go.

We had thanksgiving dinner at the Lodge—great meal. It was a spendy dinner, but worth every penny. The table next to us was having a bad time. All the adults except one man, were at one end of the table. The kids, and the man, were at the opposite end. The separated man and a man on the grown-up side of the table kept glairing at each other.

After dinner, we went swimming! The lodge has a heated swimming pool; about 80F. Under water was beautiful. Above the water our heads were pelted by snow.

We stayed in for about an hour. No one else was in the pool, so we skinny dipped.

After swimming we went to the lodge bar and talked to the staff. Almost all of the staff drives Subaru’s.

We were in bed by 11pm. Because of the blizzard we didn’t expect to snowboard on Friday.

We were wrong. Friday was a beautiful, sunny day-- perfect weather for snowboarding. The three of us have very different styles. I started snowboarding last winter, so I’m still green. I fall a lot.

Bruce is more of an explorer. He wants to hit all the paths on all of the trails, just to see what’s there. He’s not afraid of any conditions because he knows he has the skills to get out. Bruce rarely falls. He makes basic snowboarding look easy—as if he just looks where he wants to go, and magically his snowboard transports him there.

Chris loves jumping and stunts. He is weak in soft and deep powder. He becomes nervous if there are no people around.

One time, we were on a very quiet trail with no one else around. Chris and I both fell in a dip. The snow was very soft and at least two feet deep. When the snow is that deep, every step is a big effort. We had to struggle to the top of the dip. Chris got a bit nervous. I was very tired and also nervous. We had never been on that trail before, so we didn’t know if it was going to get worse. Bruce on the other hand was very nonchalant. He was watching us to make sure we didn’t get into trouble—ready to take off again once we got back on our feet.

After boarding for the day, we swam again and relaxed a bit. At one point, we got out of the water, naked, made snow angles, and then jumped back in the water. It’s weird feeling the cold snow against wet skin. It’s not painful, but it’s not pleasant either.

We decided to go to town for dinner. We had to dig the truck out of a huge snow drift. It was a big struggle and took about 30 minutes. By the end, we were all tired, hungry and a bit edgy. We had dinner at the In-Between, in the town of Zig Zag.

We were back at the lodge by 8pm. Bruce went to bed. Chris and I had a drink by their huge fire place

We both hit the sack by 10pm. Unfortunately, Friday night our neighbors were nimrods. The lodge has very thin walls. Our neighbors decided to get stoned on crappy marijuana. They would puff a bit, and then cough a lot. They played gangster rap. They telephone many friends and shouted “Hey doodz! You’ll never guess where I am!” We were too tired to complain. Most of the time, we slept through it.

On Saturday the blizzard returned. The lifts were open though. So, we went snowboarding. Going down wasn’t too bad because the trails are protected by trees. The chair lifts up were cold. At some parts you got the full brunt of the wind. Still, we went down 5 or 6 times.

At about 1pm, we called it a day. We started back for Seattle. Bruce and Chris slept most of the way. At the beginning of the ride, Bruce and Chris we kind of short with each other. After a meal, and their naps, everything was good again.

Good news. Over Thanksgiving, Bruce, Chris and I are heading down to Mt. Hood in Oregon. We are going to snowboard at the Timberline Lodge. Weird Trivia, they shot parts of The Shining at the Timberline.

Bad News. Tonight I was stood up for a dinner date. The guys name was Jason. I've known him for about a year. About 2 months ago, Jason got out of a 6 year LTR. I kind of expected him to no-show. Last week, we agreed to get together tonight. I called him on Sunday to confirm the time and place. He never called back.

Satuday, Bruce, Chris and I went to the Lost Lake and hiked half way around it. Chris and I are both above 6'3'', while Bruce is only about 5'9''. So, there were streams that Chris and I could jump over, that Bruce needed extra help with.

Sunday night I went out to the Cuff. I ran into Brian. He vented to me about how I treated him, and then he left.

Sunday, B&C and I had breakfast at Van's. We chatted with Kathern, our waitress. She plays poker fairly often, and says she regularly wins more than she loses. So, we were asking her for tips.

Later on we hiked down Snoqualmie Falls. Neither Bruce nor Chris has ever hiked to the base of the falls before.

I went out to the Cuff again Sunday night. I ran into another Chris. This Chris is kind of mean. He taunted me for having a crush on Harry. I don't really like Chris's crowd. They're the attractive bears that sleep around a lot. Let me take that back. I'm attracted to Chris's crowd, but once you get to know them, they are mostly jerks.

I need to stay away from the bars for a while. Bruce talked about going up to Mt. Baker to snowboard over Thanksgiving. I think I'll go and get him and Chris to come along.

Fun evening. Bruce, Chris, Ryan, Jen, Kam and I met for dinner at Sushi Land. At Sushi Land, a conveyer belt loaded with sushi travels by the tables. As the sushi goes by you take what you want. It's fun and cheap. The sushi isn't that bad either.

After sushi, Bruce and Chris left. R,J,K and I saw K-PAX. It's on ok movie. Half way through the movie, a guy got up, and stood behind Jen, lifted his shirt, and started scratching his belly. It kind of annoyed Jen. I don't think he was a pervert or anything. I think he was just a low class man who was kind of bored by the movie and wanted to stretch.

After K-PAX, we had a couple of beers at Rock Bottom and chatted for a while. I'm should go to Rock Bottom more often. I saw several gay couples there. I wonder If I could meet a guy there. It's much more normal at Rock Bottom than at the Cuff. Then again it's a straight bar. I could be asking for trouble.

I was used last night. I’m kind of bitter about it. On the other hand, the damage done was very minimal, and now I have a story to tell. Live and learn.

Last night, I went downtown to the Cuff and ran into Tim and his friend Allan. I’ve known Tim for a while. I’ve never met Allan before. Allan is a very attractive, charming man. We had a beer at the Cuff and headed over to the Madison. I bought the round at the Madison. Next we went to C.C.’s.

I also bought the first round of drinks at C.C.’s. Allan set up a tab and bought the second round. He also bought a few drinks for people he was chatting with. We spent about an hour at C.C.’s just chatting, pleasant conversation.

I left to go to the bathroom. When I got back, Allan and Tim were gone and Allan didn’t pay his tab. I looked out the window and saw them walking down the street. I’m a bit steamed about that. I paid Allan’s tab and walked toward my truck.

I ran into Allan and Tim by my truck. When they saw me, they immediately made like it was a big joke. Of course they didn’t offer to pay me back. Tim invited Allan and I back to his place for one last drink. I was still a bit infatuated by Allan, so I agreed. Allan drove with Tim and I followed. Tim drove very fast. I kept hitting red lights and Tim kept driving on a head. After a while I got tired of chasing them, so I drove home.

I wonder what I’m going to do the next time I see Tim. We have several mutual friends.

Not much happened today or yesterday. I'm working a lot. Master Nick called tonight. I told him that I wasn't intersted in being his sex slave anymore. He thanked me for telling him.

Harry called me. We talked a while. He's excited about his house although he's house poor for a while. We also talked about all the shitty gossip going around. Also, on Saturday night, I talked to his ex. Harry talked to the ex on Sunday, so Harry mentioned that the ex mentioned that I talked to him.

The ex seems like a good man. Maybe I'll wait a few months and ask him out.

I had a personal-ad date tonight. I took out a personal-ad a few months ago. Last week I saw that I over looked one reply. I emailed, and we decided to get together for coffee. Well. I'm not interested in him at all. He was a nice guy, but we have little in common. Also, I'm not physically attracted to him. End result was that I left frustrated. I frustration screamed on my way home, but it didn't help like it ususally does

When I got home, I worked out extra hard.

Bruce's new BF, Chris is kind of an cool guy. He seems genuinely interested when he talks to you. The interest may be slightly self serving. Chris is in the film industry. He’s worked on music videos, commercials and documentaries. Mostly he’s a camera man and art director. But sometime he writes and directs. I get the feeling he pays attention so he can make his writing and direction more true. A few times something I’ve said has struck Chris’s ear, and he wrote it down…

“We exchanged phone numbers, but he was from the middle of nowhere, and I was from the middle of a different nowhere, so we never managed to get together.” –Me.

This morning over breakfast, a lady with a Bible, who locked the keys in her car and broke he heel on her shoe, asked me to drive her to Church. I agreed to it. Later on Chris mentioned that when she asked, a series of 8 emotions quickly passed over my face. He wondered if I could do it again so he could write it down. I had no real recollection of what I felt, so I had to say no.

Right now Chris is working on a documentary about rally racers. For about a year, he’s been following about a dozen guys, in their late teens and early twenties, who live, breath, eat and sleep to rally race and stunt drive. All of the guys came from very wacked-up families. Chris, being relatively stable, ended up being a kind of father figure to them. Now that filming is over he has very mixed emotions. The guys still want him to be around all the time. He’s still trying to be friends but it’s hard. He didn’t tell them he is gay. He has to spend his time working on other things. It’s a tough situation.

Last night I had dinner with Bruce and Chris at a new Mexican restaurant in Redmond. It was good. Afterwards, We had coffee at Victor's. A duo was playing there.

Chris is still doped up from surgury.

Afterwards, I went to the Cuff and talked to some good friends of Harry. Nice guys, but they are not the most descreet people. Two things. One. Harry has been tricking with a 22yo. Both of Harry's friends said it's not going to go anywhere. The last time I talked to Harry, he mentioned the 22yo, but said he wasn't dating anyone.

Two. About two weeks ago Harry said I was the love of his life. Excellent, I've got a shot.

Last night I went out for dinner with L. We went through the usual routine... Siam's on Broadway followed by coffee at the Starbucks. The Stranger, a local free newspaper, has been running Masturbation Horror Stories The barista at Starbucks was more than happy to talk about the stories with us.

I also went to the Cuff. I net a nice guy there, Dan. I gave him my number and asked him to call if he wants to have dinner sometime. We'll see what happens.

Later on I went to the Eagle. I ran into Brian there. At about 1:30am I left, and Brian asked me to drive him home since he was drinking too much. I figured he'd hit me up to go sleep with him, but I drove him anyway. Well, I drove him home. I refused to go to bed with him. We talked and argued about it, in his drive way, for about 30 minutes. He wouldn't get out of my truck, so I started to drive him back to his truck. That's when we really started shout at each other. I never realized how much I hurt him. Sometimes I was passive aggressive about our relationship problems. I could never get him to change (tone down his temper) so I just put up and shut up. When that came up in our argument, he started shouting, half crying, half angry, "You never told me that. You never talked to me. You never gave me a chance." Until then I always viewed the problems between Brian and I as Brian's fault. I never thought about my own guilt.

By about 3am, we stopped arguing and made up. I slept alone last night. I don't want to get back together with Brian. I've got a crush on someone else right now, and until that's resolved I can't honestly try to build a relationship with anyone.

Over breakfast I talked about this with Bruce and Chris. Chris had day surgery yesterday. Nothing serious, Right now he is on pain killers and is pleasantly stoned. When Chris heard what I said about Brian, he got kind of emotional and said he might start to cry. So, we switched the subject and started talking about skiing.

So Chris has asked Bruce to move in with him. Bruce is mulling over it. He's not sure. I think he wants to, but I don't know if he wants to put up with Chris's bouts of flakeness.

Played Hockey last night. We lost again. 6-5. It was our fault. We lead the first period 3-1. Then we fell apart. Our cardio didn't hold out. They started gooning us. Our weaker plays started bitching about getting less ice time. We started fighting amungst ourselves. Bleah. We didn't deserve to win.

It was a chippy game. Lots of penaties. I got an interferance penalty for pushing and tripping one of their guys who was hanging around our net.

Another crappy cafeteria story. Today my manager ordered a “ham and cheese sandwich.” She ended up getting “Half a cheese sandwich.”

We had a second birthday party for Bruce. We went to Beppo's. L and his new BF were there. I pigged out. Beppo's serves huge portions. The Tiramisu was very good.

When we went to sing happy birthday, a table near us with about dozen people, got up, stood around our table, and joined in. It really made Bruce Blush.

Chris, the guy Bruce was dating, wasn't there. I got this from Bruce this morning...

"I was really, really pissed at Chris tonight. And when I got to work tonight, I got this really crappy note about not wanting me to hang with him when he's doing his film editing. So I basically said something about understanding he wanting some space and then some other 'p.c.' shit. So it's time to cool it with him. It was getting too much anyway. Thanks for a great time tonight. I'm glad Chris wasn't there. I had a better time with just the three of you"

Embarrassing day. A while back, Master Mark took a racy picture of me. He got me to put it on my chat profile, just for one day, just to see what would happen. I forgot to take it down. Today someone I respect saw the picture. Shit.

---

“The promise of love is hard to ignore.” -Nick Finn

“Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.” – Mary Schmich

Would I leave Seattle if I fell in love with someone somewhere else? When I left Toronto for Seattle, I left many good people behind. It was hard. When I was talking to a friend from Toronto, he said he could never leave Toronto, even for love. Toronto is his home. All his friends are there

On one hand I believe that what I want most is to meet a good husband that I can love and build a life with. On the other hand, my friends are important to me. I know how hard it is to leave and I’m not looking forward to doing it again.

Anyways, right now this is all hypothetical-- maybe not in the future.

I watched L.A. Story again. I’m over identifying with it. L.A. Story is about a man, Harry, who goofs around and amuses himself, but doesn’t have real meaning to his life.

“I was deeply unhappy only I didn’t know it because I was so busy being happy all the time.” -Harry in L.A. Story.

Harry meets a good woman, Sara, and the two start to fall in love. However Harry wrecks things by falling back to his careless ways. Sara catches him having sex with a young bimbo.

I won’t give too much more away, but in the end Harry and Sara do get together and live happily ever after. Unfortunately, the reasons they get back together are far fetched and I can’t hope for the same in my life.

Shit. I’m being misty-eyed and philosophical again.

Fun social, heavy drinking day.

At about 9am this morning, an old friend Paul from Toronto called and said he was in town for the day. He invited me to have lunch with two friends of his from Tacoma. We caught up on old times. He told me some gossip about my ex Bob. Bob (Who is about 45) is now dating a 21yo. Paul said the 21yo was very hot but couldn't put two words together to make a sentance.

It was kind of weird to hear about Bob. I felt a little bad about it. Bob and I lived together during 95&96. Then one day he left me for a hairless little twink. The end was very abrupt. He never came back to our apartment to pick up most of his things. I threw most of them out when I left for Seattle.

Later on, I met up with Bruce and Chris. We went to the Seattle International Autoshow. I'm not really enamored with the cars I saw. Several people mentioned like that it looks like they are designing cars to look like tennis shoes.

After the show, we had a couple of beers at The Central Pub.

Bruce and Chris left to run some errands. I went up to the Cuff and had some and ran into a number of guys that I know. We ended up drinking a lot of beer. Somebody kept buying pitures. I met a few guys I found attractive but they were either partnered, just wanting to play or both.

A few guys made a some cracks about Harry and his last relationship. He's got a bit of a nieve-romantic attitude about things that he often gets run down on.

On the way home, I let out a few frustration screams. I stopped at a drive-through on the way home. When I ordered I was horse.

Bruce, Chris and I went hiking today. We walked through the old train tunnel on Snoqualmie Pass. The tunnel is 2.7 miles long and has no lights. We only had one small flashlight, so we walked most of the way in the dark.

In that kind of darkness, your eyes play tricks on you. The end of the tunnel was so far that it kept looking like it was a small light maybe 30 feet away. The slighest bit of light, reflection off a water drop or a wet rock, gave you the feeling that something was there waiting for you.

Chris is a bit claustrophibic and almost had an anxiety attack. We got him to talk about things-- his school, where he grew up, stuff like that. I felt the creaps too. It was a bit unsettling to know that if someting went wrong and we had to get out, we'd have to run over a mile in the dark before we'd reach the exit.

We made a rule-- no scary stories or talk of horror movies.

Bruce didn't tell us that we would have to go through the tunnel twice. He figured if he did, Chris wouldn't go. But, on the other side there is no above ground trail back. We rested a few minutes, watched a hawk, talked to some cyclists and then walked back.

Chris said he felt much better the second time through.

I've got a bit of a cold so I worked from home today. Mostly I goofed off. I watched L.A. Story. L.A. Story is is sort of happy romance comedy that I watch when I need a pick-me-up. One of the lines is "There is some out there for everyone, even if you need a compass, a pick axe and night goggles to find them." It's refreshing to hear that. All too often I think "Not all stories have happy endings. Most dreams don't come true. And when they don't, the part of you that dreamed will slowly wither and die." Bleah. I'm turning into my father.

I'm not having dinner with Rob. I'm staying home to rest.

Harry called me. He's living with his mother right now. He very busy moving his stuff to storage. When his house closes, he will have to move his stuff again. I asked him if he needed help. He said "Not yet. All the big stuff is in storage". He's working this weekend cause he needs extra money to pay for new appliances for his house.

I've got a small digital camera. I've had it for about a year now. I've been looking at some of the pictures I've taken and I realize that I should carry the camera more often. Some of the photos turned out realy well and bring back good memories. I want more of them.