We are now in Pigeon Forge. It is gorgeous here. We are touring around on Sunday.

Nashville is a wonderful city. We’ve seen many, many, bridesmaids parties. One has to wonder the where abouts of the bachelor parties.

Hmmm. The editor seems to be inserting many AI selected links. I’m scrubbing them. Apologies if I can’t get rid of them completely.

The food in Nashville is fantastic. Not healthy, but delicious in that southern style. 

A little bit of travel drama. One of our party originally intended to travel with us for the full week even though his husband wouldn’t be able to join till Wednesday. He flew in Friday, but flew back Saturday morning, stating he was feeling great anxiety— his meds had recently been adjusted, perhaps that was it. He intends to join us again on Wednesday when his husband will also be here. I hope all goes well. 

Once a year, for the past few years, we've got together with some of my Husband's oldest friends. Last year it was at our home in Seattle. The year before that was Dallas. This year it's Tennessee. 

So we are in Nashville for a few days, then heading over to Pigeon Forge Tennessee..

A few of us can work remote and will do a little of that while we are hear, The rest of the time we intend to enjoy the mountains, Dollywood, the food and a little exploring.

Fall has set in. Temperatures are cooler, though nothing uncomfortable. I have switched from shorts and short-sleeved shirts, to jeans and long sleeved. We are debating when to turn on the heat in the house. Afternoon and evening temperatures are pleasant. It can be too cool in the morning. 

Allan has been falling off the wagon-- quietly, when no one is around. Most days, he is sober. His husband, Evan,  travels for work a few times a month. When Evan does so, Allan spends much of his time inebriated. Not much I can do here, other than take care of myself and encourage Evan and my Husband to do the same. 

The weather was wonderful over the weekend. Had dinner with the neighbors on Friday, old colleagues of my husband on Saturday and friends on Sunday. I'm ready for a bit of downtime. 

My husband is in Southern California for a few days on an amusement park adventure. I'm not a fan of wild roller coasters so he went with his god-daughter who lives in that area.

His phone is set such that it will automatically send out an Emergency call if it thinks it's been in an accident. It went off twice yesterday. He claimed to love those rides. 

I am very satisfied with my decision to not join.

Update-- he lost his eyeglasses on another ride. 

I was in Vegas for a few days for a conference. It was a blur of activity-- exhausting and invigorating. Our customers are enthusiastic; they love what we offer and see its future. They’re also vocal about its limitations, but the clear value keeps them committed. How do I get the rest of the organization to feel that specific, powerful energy?

Switching gears on Saturday, I helped C2 with his gardening project. He’s taking on part of a park across the street from his house. We spent a few hours pulling pails of garbage, clearing walks, and spreading mulch. He’s dealing with the neglect, one ambitious afternoon at a time.

We attended a wedding on Saturday. A lovely, well-attended affair. I spent a good while catching up with the groom's grandparents, whom we've known for years.

The conversation took a turn when the grandfather revealed he has colon cancer. He had a softball-sized tumor and a length of his colon removed. He is not going to follow up with the recommended chemotherapy. His health has been a battle for the past decade, he said, and he just doesn't have it in him anymore.

Over the course of the festivities, we had follow-up conversations with his wife and daughter. They both want him to fight, to spend more time with him. They see his choice as a kind of surrender or selfishness.

It's a complicated decision. He's been in pain for years, but he’s also always been so mentally present—a loving and engaged grandfather. I’d like to think I’d fight for more life, but I don't know who I'd become should pain take over.

Sunday morning, my husband flew out for work, so I went for a long bike ride. Afterward, I dropped by C2's place to help him with some gardening.

C2 has befriended the city employee who manages the park across the street and has volunteered to tend the gardens nearest his house. The city has been helpful, giving C2 plants and mulch. It’s a nice arrangement with a bit of controversy. The park has a rat problem. Some locals see the rats as a sort of symbol for the downtrodden, Others-- including C2-- see them as a public health issue.  C2's goal is to make his small corner of the park cleaner and less rodent-friendly.

PS.. C2 is now sending me such exciting texts as "Want to come over and help spread mulch? All the cool kids are doing it." and "I'll buy dinner if you help me spread mulch."

There is a large forest fire west of Seattle. Fortunately the wind is not blowing the smoke towards us. In this sunset picture, the large dark cloud is all smoke. 

 

And we are back in Seattle. I enjoyed myself at Disney though I indulged too much. 

I can enjoy the history, art and cheekiness of some of the rides as much as any thriller. Take Mr Toad's wild ride... the plot of this ride is that you go out for a wild night of drinking and driving. Then you die and go to hell. I kid you not. You can look it up. 

Having said that the "Star Wars: Rise of the Resistance" ride is a major spectacle.

We are at Disneyland for the weekend— nominally to celebrate gay days. My husband has a deep affection for Disneyland. He grew up near here and visited often when be was a kid. Disney brings back great memories for him. 

Sunday was the neighborhood potluck that I organized. It was good to get together with the neighbors and put names to faces.

Our neighborhood is generally very quiet with little gossip. One neighbor passed away a couple of months ago, and his house sits unmaintained. We're all curious about what will happen with the property.  

 Tommy wrote...

"All over the World". Mighty important person in the Company!!

Perhaps I am a capitalist taking advantage of more affordable countries. Either way, I’m grateful for it. I like my people. Plus the work is challenging and rewarding. 

Friday evening I caught up with the Australian contingent before they departed Seattle. We had dinner with my old boss who semi-retired a few months back. For the first time we could have a real conversation without the professional guard up.

He opened up about his drug use. It turns out he'd take a small THC gummy before major meetings to calm his nerves and help him be more loquacious. Everything clicked. The days when he was serious and quiet, versus the days he was charming and talkative—I get it now.

It makes you think about all the small, secret things people do to simply get through the day. I can't say I'm not curious.

Another hectic work week is over. I hosted an onsite for my org where my teams flew in from all over the world. Overall we had a fantastic time together.

I find it difficult to be surrounded by people from dawn to dusk and to stay constantly engaged. My energy and enthusiasm doesn't work that way. 

Overheard at a BBQ. A child was talking to his mother...

"Mommy, mommy, mommy, it's always about Mommy. Mommy get's to go to the grocery store. Mommy get's to go to the post office. What about me? When do I get to go somewhere?"

The mother later said she had to work very hard to not break out laughing.

My nephew was hit by a car. He’s okay, thankfully. Like a crumple zone, his sinus cavities collapsed and absorbed the worst of the impact. 

Before the reconstructive surgery to reopen the sinus, the doctor mentioned there might be some scarring. Then, with a straight face, the doctor turned to my brother-in-law and said, "If he had forehead wrinkles like you, we could have gone in though one to hide the scar." You can imagine my brother-in-law’s reaction. 

In San Francisco this week for work. The days are long and packed, but it's great to catch up with everyone.

C2 and I caught up. He knew Andy as well. We shared our commiserations over friends who have passed on. This is happening more as the years go by.

C2 expressed embarrassment about the state of his kitchen when I last dropped by. He is also maneuvering a little to keep me away from his house-- we met at a restaurant instead of his place.  I'm pushing him to have deeper conversations on this. Slowly.

After that it was a social weekend. We have friends within mutual walking distance of good coffee shops. Saturday and Sunday we had an early coffee with them.

Saturday evening we had dinner and games with a group of Friends. Sunday we had dinner with a coworker of my husband.

My husband and I have much travel over the next couple of months. It took us a couple of hours on Sunday to line up our schedules to arrange dog care and so we ciould spend some time with each other. First world problems.

My friend Andy has passed away. COVID hit him hard early in the pandemic and he never fully recovered. The official cause of death was pulmonary fibrosis.

I am heartbroken. 

Andy and I met each other 25 years ago. Rereading my old posts of him is embarrassing. We drank too much. We hooked up too much. We were a mess. Fun times, but I will never do that again. 

I’m worried about C2.

Friday, we decided to have breakfast together and agreed to meet at his place. Saturday morning, my husband and I arrived a little early. C2 and I had been texting—he knew we were on the way. When we knocked, C2 didn’t answer, so I let my husband and I in. I have a key. He was in the shower; we shouted hello.

We walked into the kitchen.
The sink was full of dirty dishes—rancid smell.
Flies hovered.
Counters stained.
A large bowl of uncovered compost sat on the counter.

I filled the dishwasher and wiped down the counters. It only took a few minutes while C2 was getting ready.

He looked embarrassed when he came out. Said he’d been really busy. No time to clean.

So—my worries.

First, that he’s not keeping his kitchen clean. Not even close. It’s attracting insects.

Second, that he always says he’s busy, though he has no job. And yet he struggles to do the things that matter— training, applying, cleaning.

It’s been a wild week. Work hit like a fire hose starting early Monday. The executives decided to hold an on-site at my office, which meant dressing up and spending time with them. They reaffirmed that they’re happy with how my org is running, so their attention is focused elsewhere. I suppose I’ve earned their neglect.

While we were away, an old friend—FL—and her daughter watched our dog and house-sat for us. FL ended up staying an extra week. She worked remotely during the day, and we spent the evenings together. It was genuinely pleasant.

Still sorting through the photos.

Lisbon and Porto....

The Douro Valley where much port wine is grown.

The Azores...

 

Travel day. Pics to come…

More travel notes…

Portugal and the Azores are very easy to travel in. The water and food are safe. Alcohol is inexpensive—beer and wine often appear at buffets, and in the Azores the local wine is both lovely and affordable.

Portuguese food tends to be heavy, with a lot of meat, dairy, cheese, and fish. Even so, it was easy to find restaurants serving good meals at reasonable prices.

The islands operate on their own time. For one excursion, we arrived twenty minutes early, only to be told to come back at the scheduled time. When someone asked if five minutes early would be better, the answer was the same: “At the scheduled time.”

On another tour, our guide announced we would have ten or fifteen minutes at a viewpoint. He said Germans like to ask, “Which is it—ten or fifteen?” He enjoys answering with something even less specific.

If we return, we’ve been told more than once that Mosteiros is a wonderful place to stay, and that September and October are ideal—fewer tourists and a warm ocean. I’d also like to stay in Furnas. It’s off the coast, but looked lovely.

Travel notes for future me…

July 25 – Arrived. Rode a tuk-tuk—a great way to get a feel for the city and decide where to explore.

26 – Tile museum.

27 – Explored historic parts of Lisbon.

28 – Sintra with friends. Charming city.

29 – Took the train from Lisbon to Porto—comfortable and efficient. Explored Porto. Dinner at a Fado restaurant (live music). The Fado was excellent.

30 – Visited a few museums. Dinner out. Good restaurants are common here. Food and water are safe. Prices are reasonable.

31 – Toured the Douro Valley. Much of Portugal’s Port wine is grown here.

Aug 1 – A driver took us along the nearby coast. Helpful for deciding where we might stay on a future visit.

2 – Explored Porto on foot.

3 – Flew to the Azores.

4 – Toured Sete Cidades. Gorgeous.

5 – Whale watching on a zodiac. Saw Sei whales, a sperm whale, and common and spotted dolphins.

6 – Whale watching again, this time with a larger group. Saw sperm whales, bottlenose dolphins, and spotted dolphins.

7 – Hot springs and tea plantation.

8 – Jeep tour.

9 – Resort day.

 We've all arrived safely in the Azores. These islands are quieter and more rural than the mainland. Their beauty is breathtaking.

Being here, surrounded by friends, has been a welcome time for catching up. It’s also made me realize what a minor miracle it was to get us all here. For some of my friends, travel is an ordeal—a source of stress that saps their patience and energy. They’d rather be home. For others of us, these new landscapes and experiences are what we live for. This trip isn't just a destination; it's a testament to our friendships, bridging the gap between those who find comfort in the familiar and those who find it on the road.

Azores trivia… Hydrangeas are an invasive species here. They grow everywhere. 

Lisbon and Porto are lovely. Easy to walk. Easy to like.

Both cities are centuries old and well kept.

You turn a corner, and there it is: something centuries old you hadn’t seen before. No sign. No announcement. Just there.

Our trip to Portugal is special. Decades ago, after graduating, my group of friends decided to form an investment club whose purpose was to pay for travel later in our lives.

For years we met to invest a little bit of money, and to catch up with each other.

Then, two years ago, one of us passed away. We decided it was time for our club to actually pay for travel.

After much debate, we settled on the Azores. before we head to the Azores, My husband and I decided to tour the Portuguese mainland— Lisbon and Porto. Other of our friends are taking similar trips… to France, or Amsterdam or London. This Sunday we are all flying into the Azores.

Lisbon… 

 

I have resolved to visit my father more often. I can work remote, though I’ll need to coordinate with my husband. 

Today, my husband and I are flying off to Portugal for a couple of weeks. There, we will meet up with many of my old college friends and see the sights. 

My father, a widower in his 80s, lives alone on his farm. For decades, he and the DVs were friends. But then Mr. DV passed, leaving Mrs. DV a widow as well.

Apparently, my father asked Mrs. DV to move in with him—not as a couple, but as friends for companionship.

Mrs. DV declined the offer. My brother has a few speculations why; he thinks Mrs. DV, being very conservative, found living with a man out of wedlock unacceptable.

My brother has sworn me to secrecy on this. If my father learns that I know, he might not talk as freely with my brother.

I've always respected that my brother has a deeper relationship with my father than I do. My brother can get my dad to open up. My father will still have deep conversations with me, though they tend to be about practical matters like money, legal issues, and business management, since that's my area of expertise.

My main concern is for my father. How lonely is he? Is visiting a few more times a year truly enough?

We are in Seattle's peak of summer. So we are attending festivals and BBQ's as well as hosting visitors. 

I say "BBQ" but my friends from the south would gently correct me. These are cookouts and potlucks. 

Saturday evening we hosted and a dinner for some old college friends, and their kids, of my husband. My husband felt little uncomfortable that the kids are all in their late twenties. The passage of time is creeping up on us.

Sunday we hosted a large BBQ for our social circle. I would guess around forty people showed up. The crowd was a combination of friends and people in the program... or friends who are now in the program. 

And we are back in Seattle. 

The flight home had a little drama. One of the passengers wouldn't comply with the safety regulations. She had a long argument with the flight attendants about her luggage and not wanting to check an extra bag even though there was no space. The attendants eventually called the police who escorted her off the jet. 

We just enjoyed a wonderful side trip to Picton, Ontario. I didn't know much about it, but our old friend PB runs a B&B there, and it's a popular weekend spot for Torontonians.

My husband, our friends G and J, and I met up with PB for dinner. As a local expert, he gave us fantastic recommendations for our weekend.

PB mentioned the locals sometimes refer to the Torontonians as Torontidiots. The growing tourism industry has raised prices as well as providing jobs. This mixed blessing doesn’t always land well with the locals.

Friday, we went e-biking. The weather was perfect. A long bike trail connects many nearby small towns. We spent hours cruising the trail, stopping to snack at local bakeries and ice cream shops. Exhausted but content, we enjoyed a great dinner after resting up.

Friday evening— back at our rental house we saw many fireflies around the property. My husband has never seen them before and was enchanted by the little glowing bugs. 

Saturday was more of a road trip. We had a delicious French-style lunch at a small restaurant PB recommended, boasting incredible views. We drove around, visited a lavender farm, and explored Picton's shops. That evening, we all had dinner at the superb Royal Picton restaurant . PB, always seeking to help his B&B guests, quizzed us on our experience, eager for our recommendations.

Beyond the activities, we had many good conversations over the weekend. G, J, my husband and I are all navigating aging parents, a topic we discussed at length. PB offered a great perspective on the "retirement" question. He observed that we high-achievers are often on a "hamster wheel" of work and rewards. While goals and purpose are crucial, he noted they don't need to be corporate-driven. Having been in our situation, he approached retirement like a new job, intentionally finding meaningful ways to fill his time. He still spends his time productively, but he spends it how he chooses— running the B&B in the summer. Travel the rest of the year. 

It's been a pleasant week here in the valley, filled with visits to old friends and a bit of adventure.

On Tuesday, we went white-water rafting with a local guided tour. It was a great time, and I definitely needed the exercise—I slept really well that night!

Wednesday was Canada Day, which meant more visits with relatives and catching the local fireworks display.

During one visit, an uncle directly asked me when I was retiring. His philosophy is that if you're frugal, it doesn't take much money to live well, and that your body will slow down much faster than you anticipate. So, he believes in enjoying life while you can. My father quickly chimed in, "But you have to have something to do."

Have something to do. Don't become that angry old guy who does nothing but watch TV all day and complain that no one listens to him.

  

What's Growing in My Father's Garden?

In my father's garden, you'll find potatoes, red beets, and even stray sunflower seeds from a nearby birdfeeder. Honestly, my dad has eaten a remarkably consistent diet of boiled potatoes, pickled beets, some meat, and other boiled vegetables almost every day of his life.

At 81, he still lives on his farm. While he's slowing down, he continues to manage things well. Nature is beginning to reclaim parts of the fields, and he no longer fights it back. He recently retired from his job as a school bus driver and is even making arrangements for someone else to clear the snow this winter—a task he's done for himself and his neighbors for years. These small but significant changes have led his sons to speculate about the future.

The fate of the farm has been a slow-moving discussion among my brothers, my father, and me for many years. Dad would love for one of us to take over the farm, and it truly is a wonderful place. Realistically, though, we'd need to take a significant pay cut to move back to the valley. As peaceful as the farm is, I have built a life for myself in Seattle. My friends and opportunities are there. 

Personally, I'd be happy if my father sold the farm and moved to a nice retirement home. But he's just not there yet.

My middle brother and I are eating like spoiled toddlers while we are at my father’s. We are both greedily eating dad’s cookies, ice cream and chocolates and then stocking him back up again.

I’m glad neither my brother nor I have a thirst for alcohol.

Ice cream sandwiches though…

The weather is pleasant. There has been plenty of rain of late. The valley is very green. 

Sunday, a guest preacher spoke at church. Afterwards my husband and I introduced ourselves. The preacher became slightly confused or uncomfortable when he discovered we were gay. I’m fine with that. If I can make adults uncomfortable by just being normal, then so be it. 

In the afternoon we attended a large family gathering with many of my relatives. It was great to see everyone. My husband ask if I was more happy in the Ottawa Valley. I had to think about it. Later I responded, not that I was happier here, but that I was more at peace. I get the feeling that our world could blow up, perhaps literally, that the disaster would pass the Valley and we could rebuild here. 

Travel day for us. We are heading up to the Ottawa Valley to spend the week with my family.

Weekend Notes

Saturday – Long walk along the beach at Alki. Dinner with WS and LIH at Evan and Allen’s. Saturday evening the U.S. bombed Iraq neclear sites. I went to bed, refusing to mentally engage in a new war just before bedtime. My husband stayed up to take in the live news stream. 

Sunday – Walk around the Chinese Garden. Run along Alki. Hung out with Evan and Allen in the afternoon. Huff and baby H2 dropped by. Baby H2 is doing well. I think Huff enjoyed hanging out with Adults. 

Reflecting over the weekend... sometimes I become very aware of how different my husband’s tastes are from mine.

On Saturday, as we finished our walk, he turned to me—eyes lit up—and said, “Should we start a walking group? Or a bicycling group?”

I felt a grimace rise and had to calm my face so he wouldn’t see it.

For me, part of the joy of a long walk is not coordinating with others. I don’t want to join or plan a walking group. I want quiet, movement, and no scheduling texts.

Of course, the desire probably passed from him moments later. He was likely just thinking out loud. Meanwhile, I’ve been ruminating on it for two days.

On Sunday, while friends were visiting, my husband pointed to a blank section of wall and said it felt like it needed some art. He and our guests launched into a conversation about what kind of art it should be.

Again, I had to suppress a grimace. There’s enough stuff in my life. I have no desire for a little more art.

And yet—a little more art really would put a smile on his face.

Art is never a straightforward purchase for him. He’d want to know the artist. There would be a story. The piece would come with meaning. All of that would cheer him.

Am I becoming austere? Do I need a little more vision for my life? Do I need to speak up more about what I want?

In my relationships, I tend to keep the peace. My husband has good judgment and great taste. So I’m usually happy to go along with what he wants. But maybe there’s a middle ground—something between going along and speaking up—that’s worth exploring.

My career on the other hand... more thoughts on that in a future post... 

One of my employees wrote a blog post for work that ended up being popular. I'm proud of him. 

I don't often write about work yet it occupies most of my time and energy. 

I'm a Director at a tech company. Right now my job isn't that challenging, but I do it well. I'm given much space to do what I want. My org's top-line metrics (return on investment, employee engagement, customer satisfaction) are very healthy especially relative to the rest of the company. As such, the executive's attentions are elsewhere. 

And the absence of challenge, boredom, is the thing that I worry about. I'm very well compensated, so I'm inclined to stay put. The next big step, the next big challenge, is to become a VP.  And I don't want that job, at least not at this company.

As I get older, the hair above my ears is thinning out. The hair on my ears, nose, and pretty much the rest of my body is thickening. This is a thing for men of a certain age.

I was at my barber on Thursday and asked him to trim my ears. He offered to wax my ears and nose. Impulsively, I agreed.

For the first time in years my ears and nose are smooth. My husband approves. Now I'm contemplating-- do I not trim enough? Should I use the trimmer on my ears and nose more often? Should I just let the barber take care of it? A little of both?

Later, I brought it up with Clem. He told me about Turkish Singeing. Apparently, he and Bates will ask for it when they’re at a barber in that part of the world.

And yes—it stung when my barber ripped the wax off.

I stopped by Huff's place and visited baby H2. Things are going well. H2 slept the entire time I was there. 

And, C2 is moving back to Seattle. He has bought a townhouse on Capitol Hill.

Last night Huff delivered baby H2 into this world. Mother and baby are recovering well. 

My husband was in the delivery room. It was a very emotional experience for him. 

Huff's baby is on the way. My husband has headed off to be with her. Huff asked him to be the one who cuts the cord.

Tommy writes...

Wonderful Photograph..... you must have a "green thumb"

Thank you and perhaps.  I enjoy the technical challenge of raising plants (The farmer in me?) I have little interest in creating a beautiful garden. This can frustrate my husband, though he does a good job on his own.

This year sunflowers caught my eye so I decided to give them a go. 

Sunday morning, we took my mother-in-law to a local park for a picnic. It’s a bit of a production—she needs oxygen and a scooter—but we pulled it off. We ate lunch, watched the ferries, and said hello to the park’s troll.

Sunday evening, we went to a neighborhood BBQ hosted by someone in AA. Over the past year, my husband has connected with other locals in the program and built a solid group of friends here.

About a month ago, I planted sunflowers. They're starting to bloom.

We've now lived in this house for a full year and have settled into its rhythms.

Our old house was tucked into the woods and had industrial-strength HVAC. Set the thermostat, and every room hit that number. Easy.

This house is different. It faces south and west, and the air conditioning is... adequate. As a result, we have to pay more attention—adjusting windows and blinds throughout the day as the sun moves.

I’m back in Seattle today. My husband is still in Chicago until Tuesday. Seattle is just starting its shift from regular gloom to summer glow, so I was greeted with one of those rare and glorious sunny days.

And now, a note for posterity: The Crow.

I haven’t been writing about the crow, but I’ve been living with it.

A little over a month ago, I got the urge to tame a crow. Yes, I know. Odd impulse. I think I’d read something about how intelligent crows are—that they can learn to recognize people, and even bring you shiny things if you feed them.

One afternoon, I spotted a crow sitting near our balcony. I put out half a dozen dog kibbles. After I stepped away, it flew over and gobbled them up. Encouraged, over the next few days, I repeated this routine. Each time I saw a crow (I like to think it was the same one), I’d set out a few kibbles and walk away. 

After about a week, it started to recognize me. If I was walking around the neighborhood, it would follow me home, clearly anticipating its treat.

So far, so good.

Then it started sitting, waiting for me, on the power line above where my husband parks his vehicle.

My husband was unimpressed with the amount of crow shit on his windshield. Then another crow joined in. More noise. More shit. 

I’ve stopped feeding the crow. I now chase it away when I see it near the house. The dream of bonding with urban wildlife has been replaced by a more practical ambition: keeping my husband's SUV clean.

My husband and I are in Chicago for the weekend. He’s here for work. I’m here to wander.

For as long as I’ve known him, my husband has been sober. He’s in the program. So I was surprised when he said that years ago, when he lived in Chicago, he was in the depths of addiction.

This trip, he said, was a way to build new memories in a city that once held some very hard ones.

There was something quiet and powerful about that—about being allowed to rewrite your past by simply being present in the now. Just walking beside someone you love, and watching a place soften.

He’s been reading my blog lately. He likes where it’s going. He said he’s glad I’m talking through some of this, instead of just keeping it all in my head. Then he made a suggestion—something we might try going forward.

He proposed that we divide our future travel plans into thirds:

• One third with friends
• One third with family
• One third involving some kind of volunteer work

I like that. It doesn’t feel preachy or overly ambitious. A little structure to balance our experiences.

After reading my previous, my husband sent me an old man meme. It read:

“Life humbles you. As you grow old, you stop chasing the big things. Alone time, enough sleep, a good diet, long walks, and quality time with loved ones. Simplicity becomes the ultimate goal.”

Then Tommy wrote me.

“The question that you pose is something on most minds of men from my age to yours. Life should be lived... but few really live it to the fullest. I’m not suggesting it’s all about being gay or being in the clique. It’s an adventure of one’s self—to be fulfilled in ways that make a person happy. I was once asked, ‘Tommy, do you have any regrets?’ I can honestly say I don’t. I created my life. I have lived. And as I slowly go into my 70s, I have no regrets.”

Living life to the fullest—that’s the phrase that keeps coming back. I’m pulled in different directions.

On one side, there’s my family. My father is proud of the fact that he lives well on $30,000 a year. He’s traveled. He eats well. He’s surrounded by friends and extended family. He lives a deeply fulfilling life, and he’s not the only one. Most of my relatives spend their free time hunting or fishing. They take part-time jobs now and then—for extra cash or to help a neighbor. I have a cousin whose dream is to open a home for the elderly. She’s already the de facto caregiver for several elders in the family. She is by no means unfulfilled. I admire her enormously.

And then there’s the other direction: my life.

Opportunities came along, and it felt wrong to turn them down. That’s how I ended up in tech, in the Pacific Northwest. Decades ago, I was offered a job in Seattle. I knew I’d regret not taking it. So I said yes. I left home and friends for something very different.

Sunday night, just before lights out, my husband asked what I was thinking about.

“Hedonism,” I replied.

This wasn’t a joke. It’s been on my mind lately—not just the pursuit of pleasure, but how we are unintentionally building a life around it. The conversation that followed tugged on something in him that we’ll need to explore more. But for me, this line of thought has been simmering for a while.

Saturday night, we hosted a dinner party. It was lovely: good food, good wine, relaxed conversation. A few of our guests are newly retired. They talked about skiing trips and springtime in Greece and Portugal. It was the kind of evening that affirms everything about the life we’ve built.

The next day, we went to a large gay bear pool party. Our hosts have many friends—big, hairy, muscle bears who all show up in full force. We talked about parties, travel, OnlyFans, adventures, and occasionally, drugs. Everyone seemed well-fed, well-groomed, and fully booked.

My husband and I are affluent. Many of our friends are too. As we plan our retirement, our calendars are already filling with travel, new experiences, and what we broadly call “fun.” We even have a shared planning document—travel tabs, household upgrades, health strategy. There’s even a line item labeled: “Something meaningful or spiritual.”

That one’s never fleshed out.

We both love travel. We love food. We love our life. But I know that is not enough.

When I say I’ve been thinking about hedonism, I don’t mean it as a moral panic or an accusation. It’s a word I’m using to name the quiet gravitational pull of our life—a life that’s full of comfort, beauty, and experience. I see around me a more overt sprint toward indulgence—more parties, more stimulation, more next things. Our version is slower, but it’s still tilted toward pleasure, and I’m starting to wonder what gets left out.

There’s a space in the plan we keep skipping. Not because we don’t care, but because we don’t know how to fill it.

I can already hear my friend C2 saying, “No one feels sorry for you. If being of service is important, then what’s stopping you? If it’s not, then stop whining.”

It’s good advice. It’s also exactly the point. What is stopping me?

Maybe it’s guilt. Maybe it’s inertia. Or maybe pleasure is simply easier to schedule than purpose. Booking flights is straightforward. Volunteering or spiritual inquiry takes something fuzzier—an internal commitment, a willingness to show up for something that doesn’t reward you with points or likes or validation.

I don’t have a grand conclusion. But I know I don’t want to be a cheerful person who left that part blank.

So this is where I’ll start: by naming the blank space. By asking the question out loud. And by staying with it, even if the answer takes a while.

Tuesday evening we had my birthday dinner with Yo and the Angel. It was great to catch up with them. We are each involved with the lives of our aging parents and I appreciated hearing how they are handing it.

Yo runs a small business that imports much of its inventory from China. Now with tariffs, his Chinese supplier first ships the supplies to an intermediate country before sending them on to Seattle. So he avoids the tariffs though he must pay a little more in shipping. This whole stunt made us laugh and reminded me of how bad the current administration is at executing on their promises. If the small guys can figure this out, then what are the majors doing?

We have a new roommate. At the old house, we would rent out the ADU to traveling nurses. One of our past renters reached out to us and asked if we had a place to stay for a couple of months. He has a contract in Seattle and needed a place to stay. We said yes, just to try it out.

Our neighbors have repainted their garden dinosaurs. This captures the kitschy vibe of our neighborhood.

 

It's my birthday on Tuesday and this week I am having an extended birthday celebration. 

C2 flew into town and stayed with us for the weekend. He is thinking about moving back to Seattle. Part of his trip was to scout out places to stay. He's thinking of buying a condo on Cap Hill.

Saturday evening we went to a retro 80's concert with W&P. We saw Modern English, Soft Cell and Simple Minds. It was a fantastic concert. The performers were at the top of their games. That doesn't always happen at nostalgia concerts. 

Sunday we held a potluck BBQ for my birthday. Maybe 20 people showed. I am very grateful to my husband for pulling this off. It was great to catch up with everyone. 

Bohemian commented...  

 *LOL* I think too many C-Sections are done, Babies usually arrive when they're good and ready to and unless there is health risk to the Mother 

We had a great lunch conversation on just this topic. Huff's perspective is that she is older, this is her first baby, and her family has a history of complicated child births. While she was carefully explaining her position my brother-in-law blurted out "Get it! Save the vag!"

Social weekend for me. Saturday I had extra time for myself since, my husband was up in Alaska for work 

Saturday morning I had breakfast with Clem. It’s always good to catch up with him. Clem and his husband travel very often on a small budget so I’m always trying to learn theIr lessons. Some of it is that they have established friendships in Greece and Spain going back decades. A bed at a friends is always available. 

Sunday, we had a Mother’s Day brunch for Huff and my mother-in-law. Is was full production, brunch— food for 10 people. 

Huff’s pregnancy is coming along well. If the baby doesn’t arrive on time, then a C-section is scheduled for June 12. 

My mother-in-law is slowing down. I don’t often see her exerting herself at her apartment so it’s hard to judge progress. At our house, she struggled to go up the two stairs in our yard. This is new. She is 87, has COPD and CHF. Mentally she’s all with it. I wish her the best. 

The couple kitty corner from us has separated. We haven’t seen them in a while, so we texted to catch up. They responded with the news. It happened a couple months ago and they have been laying low. Life goes on. 

A pleasant weekend.

We planted the concrete planters that run along the side of our house. These planters are out of sight, so we were more experimental with the plants. If we don't like that garden a year from now then we'll just rip it out.

In the large planter, we planted hostas, hydrangeas, rosemary. We started a mint garden in a smaller. I've heard that mint tends to take over. The smaller planter box out of the way and has mixed light. Perfect for a plant that takes over. 

Indoors, I've started 20 sunflowers. They are currently about two feet high. I'll transplant them outside soon. Over night it's still too cool for sunflowers. Perhaps it will be warm enough by next weekend. 

Saturday evening we have TJ & GW over for dinner. They just spent a month a place in Florida called The Villages-- a very large 55 plus community. They loved it and are thinking about buying a house in there. The prices are about a third of Seattle prices. 

It was good to hear from TJ&GW on this. I'm not interested in moving to FL, even if for a nice 55 plus community. Perhaps we could spend a month there every now and then, but that's about it. 

Apparently the Villages have a Loofa code for its swingers. Not my cup of tea, but interesting.

Sunday morning we had coffee with R & P. We haven't seen them in years. R sometimes goes into a dark funk where she doesn't want to see people for months, years even. We had written off their friendship, but then out of the blue, she reached out suggested we get together. 

Afterwards coffee we did more planting around my mother-in-laws place, had a nice lunch and then chilled for the afternoon. I went on a good bike ride along the shore. My husband napped.

The husband is working in Las Vegas at medical a conference, and I joined him for the weekend.

I generally don’t gamble, so I spent Saturday wandering around, seeing the sights. I also caught a couple of shows. As always, Vegas is commerce unbridled and a feast for the eyes. 

It’s been a pleasant weekend.

Saturday we held a baby shower for our friend Huff. Huff is about two months away from giving birth.

We had about 50 guests. It was an interesting mix of characters, Huff is a real estate agent and in the program. The guests were largely either real estate agents, or in the program, or both. 

Real estate agents are great guests at parties. Sure they want to network, but when they leave they are fastidious about cleaning up. More of us could live by that mantra… “leave it better than you found it.”

My mother-in-law has Covid. It’s dragging on and she is bored. Fortunately, it’s not severe. She is resting up and frequently calling her friends and family . Later today, my husband will double mask and head over to leave a care package.

My husband has heard back from his pulmonologist. His lungs look good. He is fine. 

My mother-in-law has Covid. It's a mild case. She has a fever, a sore throat and has quarantined in her apartment. Apparently, there is a small outbreak of Covid at her retirement home. 

We have had a wonderful weekend in Seaside. I have been here many years in April where we’ve had nothing but rain and cloud.  This year there was much sunshine

At the convention, I attended Al-Anon talks. In previous years, I had only attended AA talks because my friends are members.

I found the Al-Anon talks more insightful and, as a result, enjoyed the convention more. While I have many friends in AA, I don’t share their struggle with alcohol. I can easily choose not to drink or limit myself to one, making it difficult for me to fully understand the challenges faced by those who can't stop. To me, it seems simple: just don't.

The "A-List bear." They are popular. QJ has thousands of Instagram followers. We had a conversation about unhealthy and healthy social media posts. In his view, an unhealthy post is a staged, shirtless photoshoot by the pool. A healthy post, on the other hand, is a spontaneous shirtless selfie taken while genuinely enjoying a moment by the pool, simply wanting to capture a memory.

Overall, QJ is a great friend. I enjoy his stories and respect his perspective on life. We often take many selfies together until he finds and posts just the right one.

We're in Seaside, Oregon for an AA convention—Sober in Seaside. Our friends, C6 and QJ, have joined us on the trip, as they do nearly every year.

Seaside is a quaint little coastal town. We're lucky with the weather this year—plenty of sunshine. Pacific Northwest beaches are usually blanketed in clouds and rain, so it's a treat to stroll along the shore and take in the views.

Our dog is off her pain meds and healthy again. She loves running along the beach. We still have to keep an eye on her, though—she has a habit of eating anything smelly she can find.

C6 and QJ are an interesting couple—definitely A-list bears. I have only ever seen them dress in jeans, a t-shirt, running shoes, and a baseball cap. The intriguing part? Their t-shirts, caps, and shoes always match. The t-shirts are perfectly ironed. It’s casual, but with a touch of precision. I, on the other hand, tend to be a slob. Well... I always wear clean cloths, but I haven't ironed in years. As for matching colors-- I'm lucky if I choose color combinations that don't clash.  My husband appreciates it when a spruce up my look a bit. I rarely have the energy for that. 

Our dog is recovering well. I'm administering her pain medication orally, but she resists swallowing the pills. She's quite skilled at concealing them; I've found a number of pills matted in her fur around her mouth and hidden around her bed.

My husband has an issue with his lungs. We're unsure of the cause, and he'll be seeing a pulmonologist as soon as possible. A few weeks ago, he had a persistent cough. He was diagnosed with a mild case of pneumonia and treated with medication. He felt much better afterward.

At today's follow-up appointment, the chest X-ray showed the pneumonia has cleared, but there's still an area of concern that requires further investigation.

Life goes on.

A while back our dog cracked her hind teeth while chewing on a bone. Since then these teeth have become prone to infection and will sometimes bleed.

Yesterday she went to the vet to have these teeth out. 

The procedure went well. Now she is on painkillers. For the first time in her life she is feeling dopey and uncoordinated. She does not like that. She stares at us with her tail between her legs, she doesn't want to walk and has little interest in her food. 

Get well soon little doggie.

I think the office politics are quieting down. I have to keep an eye on them. My business partner is angry and hurting from something. I'm not sure what's going on there. 

Spring has sprung in Seattle. Everything is blooming. We should have our first day or two of 70° weather in the next week. 

My husband and I had a good weekend. We had our accountant over for dinner one night, and friends over the next. Now we have many leftovers in the fridge. 

Our accountant knows which of her business are doing well and which are not. She uses this insider knowledge when she is looking for a contractor. I'm going to go to her for recommendations the next time we someone to work on our house.

There are some office politics at my day job. For reasons I don't entirely know, one of my peers has started lashing out at one of my teams to upper management. Word has got out. This makes it difficult for my team to engage as they they thought they had a positive relationship. They have been backing off as a consequence. 

I'm spending much time listening to people and creating a new and healthy plan. I have to convince my team that we will succeed even without the partner being happy. 

We are having a rainy week. Instead of longer dog walks, I've been inside catching up on errands and little house maintenance tasks. 

I taught myself how to crack a safe. Specifically our safe. Our safe has both a key and a combination. Yews argo we forget the combination. So I taught myself how to recover it. Perhaps I shouldn't be surprised, but YouTube has many videos on how to do this. 

It took a few hours and much patience, but the task isn't impossible.

I'm back in Seattle. The flight back was uneventful.

Sunday morning, my father, brother and I went to church before my brother drove me to the airport. As I was leaving, my father was teary eyed. 

 

My father's breakfast is always oatmeal, a banana and a vitamin pill. Lunch consists of a ham sandwich (no mustard or mayo) and a honey sandwich. Whole wheat bread.

Sometimes he doesn't even make the sandwich. He eats a slice of ham, then eats a slice of bread. 

For his main meal, he might have a chicken breast with boiled potatoes and maybe canned vegetables. Dessert is either a pudding cup or a slice of pie.

He eats out regularly. which adds some variety to his die. Though a hamburger and fries aren’t a major improvement.

How do you talk about healthy eating to a man in his 80s who is otherwise fine and takes care of himself? Maybe you don’t. I hope I I have his vigor when I'm his age.

I sometimes look to my uncles and aunts to try and see what the future holds for my health. My grandparents were all prolific. I have about twenty uncles and aunts to learn from.

So what is the impact of my genetic and familial predispositions? The smokers all died younger. After that it's murky. Some have died in their 70s. Some in the 80s. Others are still going strong in their 90s. Some have died from cancer. Some of heart attacks or strokes. A couple of dementia-- dementia concerns me the most. 

Looking over it all, there are no real strong correlations amongst my relatives deaths. I will die sometime in the future. Maybe of cancer, or maybe a stroke. 

Today, my father, a cousin, and I went to a farm show. It was fascinating. The technology and scale of farming equipment have grown tremendously since the 1980s when I grew up on my dad’s farm.

The 100-acre family farm is a thing of the past. The 1,000-acre business farm is the way of the future.

Massive, highly automated tractors can be yours for $500K—though you’ll need a few of them to tend your 1,000 acres, along with an understanding bank. The money required to run these farms is just as massive.

One of my high school friends is grappling with the future of his large farm. Business is good, but he’s also facing recurring cancer. Surviving cancer once is a victory; surviving five times changes your life plans. So, what does he do with his farm? His children are too young to take it over. What does his wife want? These are tough questions.

As I catch up with old friends, I realize that everyone has a parent or family member facing similar challenges. The real trick is learning to thrive and find happiness when these problems inevitably come your way.

If you’ve figured that out, please let me know how.

My Canadian friends have asked me many questions about Trump. The locals are curious. In response I've expanded on Tommy's idea. Remember "Twin Peaks" or "Lost?" Those crazy TV shows with so many twists that their plots only became more chaotic and confused over time. How do I feel about Trump? I feel like I'm watching Twin Peaks-- get some popcorn, watch the chaos unfold, then turn it off and try to get on with my life.

I told this to a cousin. She shot back.... "Hopefully it will be like Dallas and we'll wake up to discover last year was only a dream."

U.S. politics are not intimidating the locals. They are concerned. No one is expecting this to be easy. They are showing pride in Canada in a way I have not seen years. They are preparing to defend themselves-- elbows up! From what? Who knows. U.S. politics are so crazy that it's foolish to predict. Instead they are strengthening themselves and their ties with others. They are making plans to deal with the worst. They are pulling together. After all, peace, order and good governance are the Canadian way. 

I’m visiting my father and extended family for a week in the Ottawa valley. It’s snowy and sunny here. Pleasant for a March. 

 A have a cold. I've be laying low. Since I work from home, it will be a regular workday. 

Today is gorgeous. It's sunny and pleasantly warm. I'm working outside, sitting in the sun.

C2 has been in the dumps of late. I listen to him patiently. He bristles quickly if I offer any advice. He's been unemployed for the past few months and he's just moping about it. He wants to work, but he hasn't applied for jobs. Having said that, his niche is contract work for the Military-- a sector that's been hit hard by the new administration. 

Much rain over the past few days. Over the weekend, our dog was sick and threw up several times. She hasn't done so today, though she is sleeping more than usual. 

 

My husband and I had a lovely Valentines dinner. For that, I did some prep work to have a long conversation with him. Usually I'm quiet at our dinners. We'll talk about work and the day, but nothing deep. For Valentines, I found "36 questions that lead to love." We had a good time walking through the questions.

My husband is visiting his mother when he can. She has several long-term and terminal conditions that don't get better as you age. Over the past few months they have become acute. She has been in and out of the hospital several times, fighting to find a cure. Only recently has she started to consider that the doctors are doing all they can and there is no lasting solution for her situation. 

My mother-in-law has started to think through how her sons will execute on her will. Her finances, unfortunately, are not simple. So she is ensuring that both her sons will have access to her accounts, bankers and lawyers. This involves paperwork and driving around to different banks and law firms. 

My husband is the kind of person who gets in there and gets things done even if it means dealing with paperwork and bureaucracy. My brother-in-law shy's away from these tasks. Perhaps his job doesn't give him as much flexibility. Unfortunately, it has left my brother-in-law in a situation where he feels like my husband is taking over, and will have complete control of their mother's money. It's caused some tension between them. I can't feel sorry for brother-in-law. 90% of success is showing up and he is not.

We are having a cold snap here in Seattle. On the plus side the days have been sunny. 

At work, some of my team have flown into town. One young, green employee didn't bring his credit card. He only uses Apple Pay and tap. As a result the hotel refused to give him a room. We had to scramble to fix that up.

This has turned into a dark time of the year. One year ago, my mother died on Feb 7. I just received the news that my sister-in-law's father died early in the morning on February 8.

My husband's niece and sister-in-law are in town for the weekend. They are paying my husband's mother a visit, and catching up with family.

My husband's brother passed away years ago from alcoholism. I think this was the first time my husband and his sister-in-law discussed the grief she felt at the time of his passing. Addiction raises all sorts of complicated feelings. This weekend brought them both some closure. 

And we are back in Seattle.

Friday, our last day, was wonderful. There was a layer of fresh snow that makes snowboarding more enjoyable.

Late Friday afternoon, we did Whistler's apres-ski scene. I'm was taken aback by how post-COVID it is. We went to a bar with a fantastic band. The bar was packed, cheek to jowl with people dancing on their chairs at the tables and singing along to the music.  

For me it was a wonderful experience seeing hundreds of people have a great time. My husband was anxious and he dropped a few hints as such. We left after about 15 minutes, walked around the village, passed many other packed clubs, and then met up with our friends for dinner.