So Sean came over this afternoon. I called him this morning and left a message. He called back and asked me if I had any plans this afternoon. After I said no, he set up the scene. I was to leave my door unlocked, strip naked, and lay spread eagle on the bed, face in the pillow…

Much happened. It was kind of fun. I get the feeling that he whips guys who want to be whipped, and not because he wants to rape. This lead to some weird discussions. “What do you want now? Should I whip your ass? Should I torture your balls?” “Uhh, neither please.” “Ok, how about you just give me a BJ.”

On one side, Sean is much more touchy and snuggly than master Mark. On the other side, he gives a more painful beating. We napped afterwards and talked for a while. He’s a student getting a PHD in theology. His father is a priest. I’ll let you draw your own conclusions.

I’m trying to figure out why I’m doing the sex slave thing. I didn’t really go looking for it. Master Mark wanted me and I found him attractive. At the time I was hoping for something normal. Mark wanted a sex slave. So, mostly for kicks, I went along with it.

Today was my fourth beating. These aren’t gentle beatings. My back, rear and penis are bruised. The beatings hit some button in me. I’m not sure what. I don’t really enjoy them. They are not pleasurable. But, I still go through with it and kind of look forward to it. Is it the idea of being wanted by a powerful man? Do I just like the attention? Am I tired of being in complete control all the time and want to give in to someone else? There have to be better ways of satisfying these desires than having the crap beaten out of me.

Last night at the bear party, M mentioned that a lot of guys have rape fantasies.