The Bistro Lautrec is closed! The food was so good there, and the chef was hot. The good news is that Lautrec guys have opened a new restaurant called 'ing'. It's just around the corner from the Lautrec. Bruce and I ate there instead.

The crowd is much more gay than the the Lautrec. Maybe once word get's around, a wider variety of people will show up.

Bruce was fairly wired. He bruised his ribs snow boarding. So he's on vicadent. We shot the breeze, drank a bottle of wine, plus some coctails. Afterwards we went to the Cuff. The cover charge is now $3.00. I going to stop going to the Cuff for a while. Yeah, it's probably Seattle's best bar, but that's not saying a lot. I'll get buy by touring the smaller bars.

We met a couple of cute guys. Bruce is very outgoing, especially after consuming vicadent and alcohol. He wanted to fix me up more than anything. I'm still under the weather with a cold, and didn't feel like meeting anyone. I ran into Tony who has invited us to a Super Bowl party next weekend. It will be a mixed crowed.

Bruce and I went for an early drink tonight, to the 8th Street bar. It was a bit of a work event. Bruce went with his team from work. Bruce and I started talking about boyfriends and what we want. We started calling the two Chris’s, L and F to distinguish them. F is Bruce's boyfriend.

Something weird happened between F and Bruce. I think F was supposed to show up to join us for drinks, but Bruce didn’t really want him to. F can’t act straight. He’s been out of the closet since he was a teenager. Bruce and I, on the other hand, always act straight; to the point where, sometimes, if we go into a gay bar, the doorman will say “You do know that this is a gay bar?”

Bruce said that he would be kind of embarrassed if F showed up. I guess those two are having problems.

Bruce is a bit of a size queen. He said that everyone he dates has to have a certain minimum length. I told him that one of my problems with Harry was that he is so small. Thats not the only problem, but it was another thing that kept me from saying, “all else being equal…”. I told Bruce that I was still chasing Terry. Even though Terry didn’t have the world’s largest dick, he made up for it in other areas. I'm kind of jealous of Terry's boyfriend.

We also talked about L, and guys in the military. We noticed that guys from the military often have rape fantasizes. They want to be tied up, trash talked, and fucked real hard. Last summer, I dated a guy from the air force who was exactly like that. L is the same way. For me, it’s kind of a turn off. When I’m in bed with a guy, I don’t want him to just lie there, bound. I want someone to make love to me too. Sex doesn’t have that power component for me. Maybe it’s because I’m a bottom too.

F is going to Vancouver Saturday evening, so Bruce and I are having dinner together Saturday night—at the Bistro Lautrec.

Oh yeah, another thing I forget to record.

Played hockey Monday night, and we won, 6-3. Even better, the team we won against had a couple of guys who dropped off of our team.

It was a pretty tense game. We were ahead 3-1 at the end of the 1st, but they caught up, 3-3 at the end of the second. We pulled ahead in the third. Curt even got a goal. He said it was his career first.

I'm a looser. Not in the spiritual/social sense, but in the physical sense. I'm constantly loosing little things. notepads, wallets, cutlery, tools. Two days ago, I was using a can-opener to open up two cans of tomato sauce. I opened up the first car and poured it into the pot. Then I turned to open up the second can, but the can-opener was gone. I hunted for 5 minutes for it. It had slipped underneath some grocery bags at the back of the counter.

Today I lost my hundredth notepad. Somewhere, all my collected business knowledge is sitting around unused by the masses (or even me). Maybe it's in a garbage can. Maybe it's on a shelf.

I haven't permanently lost my wallet in a long time. I almost lost it Tuesday night. I couldn't find it the next morning, and it wasn't at work. It ended up being in my dirty laundry pile.

Can you tell I don't want to work?

I'm off sick today. My cold won't go away. I might go in for the afternoon.

Ryan and I reviewed another Restaurant

My project at work is still going slowly.

I'll just take it easy the next few days.

Still working a lot. It's not gong well.

My green card is progressing. I'm being finger printed at the end of January.

Tuesday night, I went with Bruce, and the other Chris to a career fair. Chris doesn't have a job. He's knowlegeable enough, but he doesn't come accross as ultra bright. That's slowing him down.

Bruce said that this year, the fair was 20% smaller than last year. Maybe a recession is on the horizon. The most popular booth was Microsoft. There was only one real E-commerce company. Some gardening company from Mt. Vernon. Amazon wasn't there.

I didn't see anything interesting.

Bad Weekend. I worked a lot. I ate I drank. I had stress dreams.

Went out Friday night. Ran into Terry. Had a few drinks with him. I finally gave him the pictures that we took at his party last August.

I also met a guy, Mark, from Bremerton. He was kind of cute. He gave me his number, and told me he was staying in Seattle for the weekend. We decided to get together Saturday evening.

I worked all Day Saturday, then met up with Mark in the evening. We had sex right off. Then we went out for dinner at the Cadilac. It was weird. Friday night he was dressed normal. Saturday night he was dressed as a leather man. He's in an open relationship, but is looking for a 'boy' on the side. Not really my thing. Mark said he owns a bar in Bremerton. He's in the process of selling it. He and his lover want to live 6 months of the year in Seattle, and 6 months in Palm Springs.

I ran into Terry Saturday night. We flirted and talked a bit. It guess he's still dating that guy. I don't understand why he goes out by himself every Saturday. It's not conducive to a good relationship. In his favor, he just plays pool and then leaves. Against-- there are better places to play pool than the Cuff on a Saturday evening.

I'd still date him.

I worked on Sunday. From 11:00am to 10:00pm in the evening.

Mishelle gave birth on Sunday. I got this from Sean...

Howdy Folks,

Just a brief announcement that Sean and Mishelle are pleased to introduce Olivia Simone who came into this world at 5:47 PM, Sunday, January 7, 2001. Olivia weighs 8 lbs, 2 ozs and is a healthy, happy girl.

Mishelle is extremely tired. She first noticed a contraction between 5 and 6 am Saturday morning and hasn't had much opportunity for sleep since. But she eventually got through everything perfectly and so did Olivia.

I am also tired (thanks for asking) but not getting nearly as much sympathy as Mishelle or as much attention as Olivia.

We will be in the hospital likely until Monday evening, possibly Tuesday morning and then we'll be coming home.

Sean

I'm kind of obsessing over Sean. Two or three times a day I call home to check for messages. Every time I actually get a message, my heart jumps. Of course, Sean hasn't actually called yet-- so then I feel disapointed to hear a message from a friend, or a tele-marketer.

I have this pattern with new guys. I get all excited when I first meet them, but then after one or two dates reality sets in, and I fall out of lust. That sounds more like a general problem and not just something specific to me.

No call from Sean yet. Oh well.

Working a lot. Taking many pictures too. I've been taking panorama photos with my new camera, and printing them out. It's amazing how much better a photo can look when it's bigger.

Had beer last night at Damons with some guys from work. Had lunch today a Thai Chef with my new team.

I skipped my Thursday morning work out, but I did work out Friday morning. Wednesday night, in the middle of the night, I woke up from a stress dream. It took me another hour to get back to sleep. So, I decided to sleep in Thursday morning, rather than feel crappy all day.

This just in. I finally heard back from my DSL provider. I can't get DSL. It only took them 4 months to tell me.

Back to work.

I spent new years eve at Ryan and Jen's. We watched part of an Iron Chef marathon. During the Carp battle, the chefs were scaling the fishes alive. If the fish thrashed around too much, the chef would gently conk the fish on it's head with the back of a cleaver (Bad Fish! Stop Wiggling.). Then they gutted the fish. It was hilarious. It was horrible.

I crashed at Ryan and Jen's that night. So did Jason. We got up at about 11:00am, drank some mocha's and watched some more Iron Chef. I didn't get home until about 3:00pm

I did a work-out on Monday. I also worked out this morning. Woo hoo! Two days into the new year, and I still haven't broke my new hears resolution.

The World is Small.

Friday night I went to the Cuff, and nothing much happened. I ran into Scott, who gave me an invitation to a holiday party that he and Randy were throwing on Saturday. I was in bed by 2:00am

Saturday, Mom called me at 8:00am. I was still fast a sleep. She wanted to talk about our trip to Zimbabwe in February. I mumbled to here for a while, and then she figured out that I wasn't fully awake. After we hung up, I got up, ran some errands and worked a bit (I am so far behind on the replication control conversion). In the evening, I ate at the Bento Box, and then went Randy and Scott’s. This is where things become interesting.

Scott and Randy live in a nice house on Beacon Hill. Randy’s parents own the house. Randy, Scott and two other guys are living in, and remodling the house. They are doing a great job. There are building water fountains and little gardens all over the place.

The political structure of the household is kind of weird. One of the two other roommates is Randy’s ex, Michael. Mike actually lives in an Airstream Bambi Trailer next to the house. Randy said Mike does it because he wants a cat, and Randy is allergic to cats. Oddly enough there was a cat in the main house. Mike also lives in the trailer because he likes the privacy.

Most of the guys at the party were the regular mature-gay house party set. Mark “Mom” Findly, the drag queen was there. She loved me, because I made her (him?) look small.

Later on in the evening, this guy, Sean showed up. Sean is an attractive beefcake kind of guy. I found it hard to read him. At first, he didn’t really pay attention to me. But, when I started talking to him, he was more than friendly. While Sean and I were talking, all of a sudden Sean shouted “Your Barry!” It turns out that Sean was the friend that Cort was supposed to sleep over at on Christmas Eve. I said that Cort slept in my spare bedroom, and Sean replied that he knew. We had an interesting conversation about Cort. It turns out that Cort, Sean and Sean’s ex were trying to be friends. I think that Sean did have a bit of a crush on Cort, but things were getting awkward. First off Cort lives in Portland. Second, Sean caught Cort and Sean’s ex messing around behind Sean’s back.

So, Sean, a friend of Sean and I, talked and drank the night away. Sean’s friend was a good, interesting man. He was in his late 40’s. He built expensive Christmas displays for a living.

I found it hard to read Sean. He didn’t really touch me, but he was more than happy for me to touch him. It wasn’t until I was about to leave, that he grabbed me and said, “You’re not going to leave already are you?”

At the end of the evening, Sean and I necked a bit, and then we each went to our own homes. Sean has my number. I hope he’ll call.

It’s Sunday morning now. I just got off the phone with Gord and Jen. Their baby Jacob is doing ok. It was Jacob’s first Christmas, so now they have dozens of little toys. Jacob’s favourite toy was a compost pail that Gord’s mom got for Christmas.

I'm at work right now. I'm on vacation, and I'm at work. It says a lot about my life doesn't it. If I take the time off, then I'll probably get into trouble. I'll cruise around for sex. I'm board by that, and want something better.

I've worked out every morning this week, and I'm going to keep on doing it. My new years resolution it to start each morning off by working out for an hour. How long do you think this one will last? I've got a small gym in my garage, so it's easy for me to do. If I can force my self to get up by 8:00am, then I can still make it to work for 9:30am.

The big problem is waking up at 8:00am. I love sleep. I feel crappy if I don't get my 8.5 hours. Plus, the mornings in Seattle are very dark; it's easy to roll over and sleep a bit more.I'll have to start going to bed at 11:00pm. That's harder than it sounds. Last night I went to bed at 11:30, but ever few minutes, I would think of a new trick I wanted to try with my digital camera, then I'd get up and try it out. I've figured out how to take fairly good flashless pictures in ordinary light. The secret is to underexpose the picture, this increases the shutter speed, so that the picture is less blurry. Then, when I download the picture to my computer, I use Adobe to brighten it up. It's not too bad, although the pictures can look a bit grainy.

Back to my workout. I'll have to go to bed at 11:00pm, and not stay up late, playing around.

I have to work hockey into the schedule as well. I play hockey once a week at 9:30pm. So, by the time the game is over, and I'm home, it's easily midnight. I think I can skip the work out the next morning, but, I should make it up on the weekend.

If you are reading this, and you have suggestions on how to stick with a work-out schedule, please email me. redrook@yahoo.com

I'm on vacation, but I've been working a bit. It's very relaxing. I'm sleeping well too. I go to bed at midnight, and I sleep straight through for eight and a half hours. I've been working out a bit in the morning. Then, in the afternoon, I go to work for a couple of hours. In the evening I play around. Tonight, I had dinner with Ryan and Jen at The Thai Restaurant. in Duval. It was fun. The restaurant was fairly good, especially considering it's in Duval. It was authentic Thai.

Jen is starting a new job in Bellevue. She's working as a Travel agent again. She is working for the company that owns Value Village. She used to work as a Web Dev in downtown Seattle. Her new job probably knocks 30 minutes off of her commute each way. Ryan is looking for a bit of C contracting work. The funding hasn't come through for his start up, so he's looking for a bit of cash on the side. I don't think they are in financial trouble. I wish both of them luck.

Open relationships.

I think there are two ways of looking at this.

The good… eventually your sexual interest in someone wanes. An open relationship allows you to release your sexual urges without endangering the relationship. You and your partner can make a sane decision to see other guys. This way you have a great sex life, as well as a life partner.

The bad… If sex is only good when you are with someone new, then you aren’t good in bed. The thrill of new conquest makes up for your lack of competence. Open relationships are used to hide the fact that the relationship is over, yet you don't to be alone.

I know of several gay couples long-term monogamous relationships. They rarely go to the bars. I’ve never heard them talk about their sex lives.

I also know of several more gay couples in open-relationships. Sex is a very important part of their life. Some of these relationships seem to be going ok. Others ended; the open relationship was just one last attempt to make things work in some form.

Is it a function of libido? Some guys need to jerk off one or two times a day; others are fine with once a week. Is the once-a-week crowd the ones who end up in healthy closed relationship?

Where does that leave me? I jerk off once a day. Sometimes more.

Whine.

What do I want? What makes me happy? These are very simple questions, but are very hard to answer. Do I want to be rich? Do I want a solid relationship? Do I just want to whine? “Barry isn’t truly happy. He’s attractive, successful, but he’s unhappy because he can’t meet a guy with a perfect personality, and a fantasy sex drive. Oh Boohoo.”

Some background. I’m an attractive, masculine gay male. I’m fairly successful. A few years ago, Microsoft bought out the company I worked for. I now have a 6-figure salary, and own my own town house. I’m not really rich-- I don’t own a boat, or a second house. On the flip side, I don’t live paycheck to paycheck. I save lots, and there is always plenty of money left over for fun stuff.

My career is good. It doesn’t make me happy. It pays well. It will get me a green card. The Green Card is the big reason I still work at Microsoft. After that I quit. Money can’t buy me happiness, but the green card will give me options.

I want to have a good relationship. Or at least I think I do. It’s been years since I’ve felt something more than minor infatuation for anyone. I wonder if I’m capable of those feelings at all. But then, I often feel negative emotions for guys; jealousy, disappointment. Surly if the negative emotions exist, then the positive must as well. How do I prove that?

A friend once said that what I feel for a man comes from within me, and not from the man. But how do I find those buttons and make them more accessible to others? I’ve met a good man, Harry, who really wants to date me. I don’t feel anything for him. He is a bit goofy. His laugh annoys me. The sex is ok, however he has the habit of making me ejaculate, without orgasm. Is that enough to stop seeing a guy? It’s superficial, yet it’s important. I can’t honestly keep dating someone if I only feel ‘like’ and ‘nice’ for him.

I’m beginning to wonder about open relationships, and single guys that just tramp around forever. I don’t want one, I don’t want to be one, but they’ve become so common. Maybe I’ve been watching too much “Sex In the City”, “Queer as Folk” and “Ally Mc Beal” for my own good.

On the other hand, I’m running into them very often in my social life. I just met Chris. He really gets around. He has many friends, and if you ask him where he met the friend, about half the time he’ll giggle and say “At a bath house.”

Maybe it’s just that guys in normal relationships don’t hang out at the bars.

I’ve also started cruising chat rooms. I don’t really know what I’m looking for. I’m kind of afraid that someone I know will see me and find out that I’m a bottom. As a result, I neuter my public-profile. I’m just a generic 30yo guy.

Why do I not want guys to know I’m a bottom? Maybe if I asked Harry to fuck me, he would have.

I’ve been thinking about taking out a personal ad. It’s hard to sum up yourself. I’ve got a digital camera now, so I can include a good photo. Once again, my phobia, of letting my friends know I’m a bottom, gets into the way.

What do I want? What makes me happy?

The Internet is great. I can whine to the world, but no one will here.

Oh yeah. Journal update. I still don’t have DSL.

Ok. This entry has lots of little interesting gossipy things, all adding up to nothing.

I’ve gone snowboarding with Bruce and Chris a couple of times. We’ve done the bunny hill. Next time we are going to do the real hill.

Bruce, Chris and I got together last Tuesday to for drinks at Manray, and to watch Queer as Folk. There, Bruce introduced me to another Chris. He was kind of cute, and a nice. guy. Chris brought along his friend Norm. Norm is kind of out there. He meets lots of guys, probably on line. After queer as folk, Bruce and Chris left. The other Chris, Norm and I had a drink at R Place. Norm told me that he had been making his own porn, and that he had his own sling room. Well. At the end of the drink, Chris and I talked Norm into bringing us back to his place. We watched the porn and kind of laughed at it. It needs some editing. Then we went down, and looked at Norms sling room. Had another laugh.

Chris and I left Norms, and then went to the Cuff for a drink. We necked a bit. It was getting late, so we agreed to meet at Siam on Friday. Bruce and Chris usually have Supper Fridays at Siam.

Friday, Chris and his friend Terry, showed up at Siam. We had dinner. Terry was a bit obnoxious. Bruce and Chris didn’t show. They had another Christmas party to go to.

Afterwards, Chris and I went back to my place. Chris spent the night. The next day Chris and I talked a bit. Chris mentioned that he met Terry at Club Z. It was at this point that I started to clue in the Chris gets around a lot.

Saturday night I went out, and ran into Harry. When I first ran into Harry, he was getting into his truck with Deacon. I thought that Deacon and Harry were getting back together. That was wrong. Harry was just giving Deacon a Christmas present. I also ran into Terry. I thought he was single since I’ve run into him 2 or 3 times on weekends, without his boyfriend. I gave him my number, and apologized again. He said he was still seeing that guy. So, I asked for my number back, but he refused.

I left early Saturday night. Bruce and Chris and I went snowboarding the next morning. We also decided to have a Christmas dinner at my place on Monday. The dinner was supposed to be a Chris’s, but too many people were showing up, and Chris wasn’t sure how to do the Turkey.

Sunday night, I went out, and ran into Harry again. He brought his sister out just to show here the bars. I also ran into Cort from Portland. Cort was supposed to meet up with a friend, but the friend didn’t show up. I offered Cort my spare bedroom, he accepted. Cort and I didn’t have sex. He just slept in my spare bedroom. The next morning, we talked a while. Cort said he was single, but my guess was that the guy he was supposed to meet up with was a sort of boyfriend. So, sleeping over at my place might have complicated things.

Christmas day I cooked dinner. I did the Turkey on the BBQ. Bruce, Chris, Bruce and Chris’s friend Brian showed up. Brian mentioned that Chris got around a lot. Oh well.

I bought a digital camera. It takes pictures that make anyone look ugly.

I still don't have DSL.

Three months ago I signed up for DSL through MSN. Two months ago the noticed on my DSL setup status page still said "You will be contacted shortly" I called the DSL support center; the customer service rep said that he would escalate my setup to his supervisor. Today, one month later, I still have not heard back from them.

From what I can see, high speed bandwidth is suffering from big business model problems. The technology is there, and it works, however the Telco's and cable companies are having mega problems rolling it out to their customers. I wonder if DSL will suffer the same fate as ISDN?

Friday night I saw "Queer as Folk." It's very mediocre. It's like soft core gay porn with heckling. The acting wasn't good. The story was soft. Afterwards I saw "Sex in the City." Very different. "Sex in the City" is a witty and intelligent sex comedy. It only emphasized how poorly done "Queer as Folk" is.

Last Saturday I went now boarding with Bruce and Chris. Bruce is a snowboard instructor. Chris and I have never boarded before. Bruce gave us very functional lessons, how to fall, how to turn and stop, how to get off the chair lift. I was getting better by the end of the day. but I still fell a lot. I'm going boarding again next weekend.

Saturday Evening I saw Terry at the Cuff. I talked to him for a while, but he acted very distant. Maybe he's not as interested as I thought he was. Oh well. I also ran into Harry. He's got some twinks chasing him, which he finds annoying. He's attracted to beefy guys with beards and moustaches, not 22 year old, hairless boys.

Sunday I went to play hockey at the Ice Palace, but the compressor broke down, and the top layer of the ice had melted. Our team hung around for about and hour, and then left.

The rest of my time I worked. Because I goofed off so much during the week, I'm way behind and some projects. There was a re-org. I've got a new manager. Neil and I will both report to Becky. Which is weird. Neil didn't really get demoted, yet he's no longer my lead.

I hate my job again. It's so dull. I keep reminding myself why I do it. 1: the money. 2: the Green Card. I know money isn't everything, but I can't dismiss the Green Card so easily. If I quit now, I'll have to pack my bags and head back to Canada. Not that Canada is a bad place to live. It's just that there are more opportinutes here. In a few years, maybe I can get a job and move to a city with better weather. No Canadian city has great year around weather.

My green card is supposed to be available in under a year. Since it's a company sponsered green card, I can't quit for one more year after that.

About 6 months ago, I was driving home one night, and I started shouting "I hate my job! I hate my job!" It felt good to admit it. Why do I hate my job? It's borning. I'm a highly paid Computer System Analyst, yet I'll I've done for the past 7 years is directory sync. If I have to write one more directory processing routine, I think I'm going die of boredom.

Plus right now I have to work overtime. Last week I spent a lot of time doing porno chat at work. (I wonder what will happen if I get caught?) now I'm behind. The project I'm currently working on is taking longer than it should have, largely because of my goofing off. So, no I feel guilty and am working late to finish it.

Ryan and I are having lunch tomorrow. Ryan just quit his job, and is starting up a company with some friends of his. They don't have financing yet, so things are kind of dicy.

Brian and I went to Vancouver for the weekend. It is Brian’s last weekend off before he goes to prison. About 6 years ago, Brian got a second DWI. He fought it tooth and nail, and ended up pissing the judge off. The net result was 4 months (with good behavior) on work release. So, this was his fare well weekend. In a way I’m kind of looking forward to it. Four months for him to get over me.

He gets Christmas Day off, and really wants to spend it with me. I think I’ll tell him I’m spending it in Toronto.

We drove up Saturday morning and checked into the holiday in hotel. In the afternoon we went to Grandville Island.

Saturday Night we met up with my friend Barry from Toronto. He’s doing well. He has a dog right now, and seams to be in love with it.

The Vancouver bar seen is very quiet. Considering the size of the City, there aren’t a lot of interesting bars. Also, it’s a very twink crowd—not a lot of ordinary guys.

Sunday morning I was really hung over. I puked twice. We had lunch at Hamburger Mary’s Hiked around Stanley Park, and then left.

At the boarder I was stopped and asked to check in. I expected this because I’m changing status from H1-B to Permanent resident. But, Brian had some pot on him. So when the guard asked us to pull over, Brian was real scared. Nothing weird happened. They checked our ID. Put a new form on my work Visa, and let me go.

As we left, I had to pull over and by Brian a 6pack of beer. He was still unnerved by the whole thing.

Sunday Terry talked to me! And he patted me on the ass too! Sunday I went out for a drink at the Cuff. He was there, but without his boyfriend. We talked for a while. I asked him if he was still dating; he winced, and said yes. We talked a while longer, and then he patted me on the butt and then left.

Last Friday I went out drank with Harry. Friday night, he was wearing slutty jeans, and a guy pulled on the leg, and really ripped them open.

Now, Harry and I have a disagreement. here. He says we were drinking on Friday and that his jeans got ripped on Friday. And then on Saturday we went out again, we closed the Cuff, and he and two other guys (Kurt and Chris) went to Neighbors. I say that both events happened on Friday. Not sure here. They days are blurring together. Every night at the Cuff is the same.

My cyber porn habit is back. I hate it. I spend hours on line telling guys dirty stories. Bah.
Afterwards I feel so dumb. It’s such a waste of time.

Going to Vancouver this weekend with Brian. It’s his last free weekend before he goes to jail. We are meeting my friend Barry from Toronto in Vancouver.

Ryan has quit his job and is starting his own company. I wish him luck.

Small world.