I'm back now. I spent the past week in Pembroke Ontario, with my parents

If my friends in Toronto are conservative compared to my friends on Seattle, then my family is way right wing. My parents, uncles, aunts, cousins, go to Church once or twice a week, pray after every meal, some of them thump the bible. A cousin was given a book about muslim, but was afraid to bring it home because it would violate the Christian sanctity of his house.

There isn't much to do in Pembroke. So that we would have something to do, for Christmas I gave my brother a dart board. My brother is very competative with me. We wrestled a bit, although, he's 6'11'', and 260lbs, so if he pushes his weight around, I don't stand a chance. He also beet me at darts and at cards. I gloated big time every time he won. It's amazing how family pushes your buttons.

For Christmas, I got a boot scrubber, a big bottle of maple syrup and a shirt.

My parents both drive school buses for extra money. Half the kids on the busses gave them chocolates or cookies for Xmas. So, we had pounds and pounds of sweets to eat over the holidays.

Spending time with my father is weird. We get along, but we don't talk. We silently work together. The two of us spent a couple of afternoons doing odd jobs around their farm.

Friday evening I spent with M&S, and baby O. O is sick right now, but not so sick that you can't make here feel better by distracting her. She seems to hate me. M&S told me not to take it personaly. Except for S, there are very few men in O's life. When she runs into a strange man, she is very weary.

After dinner with M&S, I went downtown to my old haunt, the Black Eagle. It hasn't changed since I left Toronto. I was talking to one of the bartenders about it and he mentioned that yes, the Eagle, and gay Toronto in particular, has held it's breath for the past 5 years. Everything has aged a bit, but that's it.

Several guys bought me beers. It's good to know I'm still desired. I ended up running into an old drinking buddy. We closed the Eagle. It's not so bad for me. Seattle is three hours off of Toronto and I've been keeping Seattle time. So, when the bars closed at 2am, it only felt like 11pm.

Saturday I had lunch with BP. BP told me his .com tale of woe. He was briefly a multi-millionare. Then the company stocked plunged by $90.00 a share.

Saturday evening, I took it easy with J&E. We had dinner and then watched TV.

Sunday, I had lunch with Lliam. He's over the flu now. We walked down Young street and marveled at all the new construction that's on hold. Work has paused on two new sky-scrapers. Between September 11 and the recession, there isn't the same demand for office space as there was a year ago

Sunday evening, J&E threw a "Wecome Barry back to Toronto" party. I saw many people I haven't seen in a long time. It struck me how different my Toronto friends are from my Seattle friends. My Seattle friends are more out there-- more colourful. They talk about weird porn and sex. They swear. They dye their hair. They rent their homes and have lots of credit card debt. My Toronto friends are very conservative-- even my gay friends. They own houses and have babies. They have stable well paying careers. They are becomming part of the old-boys (and girls) network. It's a very different feel.

Tonight at the party some of the girls talked about their "Craft Horror Stories." In 1993, J started to knit two sweaters. Last year, she gave up on knitting them, and gave them to N to finish. N is trying to do so, but because the original wool was bought in 1993, she's having problems finding enough matching wool to complete the project.

Three and a half years ago, F started a needle point picture which was to be a house warming gift for her parents new condo. The parents have now lived in the condo for a year and a half.

We also talked about how to manage living with your parents over Christmas. I have it easy. I only see my parents once or twice a year for a few days at a time. We don't really get on each others nerves. Not so with many of my Toronto friends. They get all stressed and weirded out talking about their parents.

I had lunch with K. today. He's a bit aimless right now. He quit his job about a year ago, and has just been traveling and working on fun projects. His money is running out though, so he's been looking for some contract work. He also wants to move to Germany. When I asked him why, he said that he wants to go someplace with no responsibilities or obligations. He also wants to study Aikido a Gernmany has a good Aikido acadamy. Finally, he wants to learn German. If anyone else had given those reasons, I would have called "Bull Shit."

I watched friends and survivor over at B's place.

Finally, I went downtown and spent the evening with Lliam. We chatted the night away about BF's and hockey and work. I'd like to spend more time with him, but he's just getting over a flu. He's resting constantly.

I'm noticing the effects of HIV more often. I'm seeing people that I haven't seen in years. AIDS is making them thin and frail. None of my friends are infected, but some people I used to run into often, and just say "hi" to, now look very gaunt.

I've been in Toronto for a few days now. The trip was fairly uneventfull. Thanks to Sept 11, the lineups at the airport were long. It took an hour to get through the metal detectors. I think they've set them to maximum sensitivity. The eyeletes in my shoes are metal. They had me take my shoes off so they could run them through the x-ray machine

I'm staying at G&J's place. Their baby J, is doing well. He's walking around now and starting to talk.

Tuesday I did a bit of shopping. The Canadian dollar is worth about 65 cents U.S.

Tuesday evening I had dinner with J&E, and their baby J. E is dark asian and J is light caucasion. When baby J was born, he had dark black asian hair, but now that he's almost a year old, his hair has turned blond.

Baby J likes to rough-house. He loves being picked up and flown around. I'm kind of worried that I'm going to drop him, or squeeze him too tight. But, J&E don't care. Apparently J is more rough with the baby than I am and it just makes baby J laugh louder.

Played hockey tonight. We won 5-4. I had a good 1st and 2nd period. But, I sucked in the 3rd. It was a scrappy game. I manged to trip a couple of people without getting caught. One of our D's got a stick in the face and got a bloody mouth. After that, he went out for revenge. He hip checked a guy, but the ref saw it.

Harry's ex, Chris5, and I agreed to get together Friday for lunch. About 20 minutes before I left, I got this from Harry...

> Hey Barry. Just a note to say hello. We need to get
> together soon again. It was really good to see you
> and to feel you and kiss you again.
>
> Give me a shout.
>
> Hey I ordered all of my windows for the house
> yesterday. It is going to look so much better with
> new windows.
>
> What are you doing this weekend. Give me a call and
> stop by if you get a chance. I might go into
> Seattle
> tonight. Depends on how tired I am after working on
> the house.
>

So, I had lunch with Chris5. We had a good time. It was sunny after lunch, so we took a walk along the creak. We found a private spot, sat down and chatted a while, and kissed a bit.

I left bit annoyed with myself, and confused. I called Harry up Friday afternoon. We talked a bit. He said I didn't really know what was going on in his life. He hadn't had sex with the FB in a while. Also, he ended up not spending last Saturday night at FB's

Harry and I agreed to get together Saturday night.

Friday night, Chris2, Chris3, Bruce and I went to a private party hosted by some of Chris2's co-workers. On our way in, Chris2 said "I hope so and so is here, because I want to insult him." Chris2 is kind of fun to be with. To most people, he's not a very nice man. I haven't suffered his wrath yet. In fact, he mentioned that I am one of the few people he knows that he hasn't insulted.

We didn't know anyone there. Chris3 and I sat down at a table with a group of people who were telling cop-escape stories. After a few minutes, one of the people turned to Chris3 and said "Hey, you're a cop.. Aren’t you?" Chris3, being a big bullshitter, said “Yes”, and went a long with it. He looks the part.

At about 10pm, Chris3 and Bruce left to see Chris1. Chris2 and I went to RockBottom for food and drinks.

I puttered around Saturday. Saturday evening I went over to Harry's. I helped him paint his bathroom. He has no furniture in his house, so we had a picnic by the fireplace.

He mentioned that Friday night he talked to Chris5. Chris5 told him that we talked at movie bears and had lunch on Friday. At that point I thought I was busted, but Harry just used the opportunity to vent about Chris5.

I ended up having a great time. I spend the night. I think Harry had a great time too. The next morning, we he realized that I was leaving for Toronto on Monday, he looked disappointed.

I really like Harry. I guess I have to figure out what to tell Chris5. On Friday at lunch I agreed to go out with Chris5 on a real date. At that time I thought I was out of Harry’s picture. I owe Chris5 an explanation so that he doesn't think it's something he did. But, at the same time I don’t want to say "I can't date you because I am pursuing your ex."

There are too many Chris's in my life. Chris3, Bruce's boyfriend, wants to be Chris1. Instead, Bruce and I have started referring to the Chris's by their last names. It doesn't feel right though.

I just took a good walk up the hill behind my house. It's very windy out. even the clouds are moving fast.

So, how close does a potential BF have to be? Close enough that I can see him once or twice a week. I don't want a long distance relationship. Nor can I move. I'm in the U.S. on a work visa that is tied to my job. If I quit, then I have to move back to Cananda. I'm working on a green card, but I don't have that yet.

Bruce and Chris are now DP'd (Domestic Partnered). They did it to get Chris on Bruce's medical insurance. Over lunch I called them married. They broke out in goofie grins and started debating who was the wife and was the husband.

Last night I went to "movie bears". Once a week a group of guys from the bear community get together and see a movie. This week it was Ocean's Eleven. Good, but completly forgetable.

Afterwards, we headed up to the Cuff for drinks. There, I ran into another Chris-- Harry's ex. He's a really nice guy. We work at the same company so we have a fair amount in common. We are going to have lunch on Friday.

Today over lunch, I talked about the Harry's ex Chris with Bruce and Chris. I was analyzed the situation bringing up the pros and cons of dating the Harry's ex Chris. Chris cut me off and said that it's ok to have fun. I should just and go out with him. Forget about the details and just enjoy myself. If it works out great. If it doesn't, it doesn't.

I didn't tell B&C this; last night I had a sex dream about Harry's ex Chris.

There are too many Chris's in my life.

Sunday I hung around at Bruce and Chris's again. We watched some of the Chris' experimental films. Yikes! He's made "O.J.'s secret tape." and "Candi's Picnic." Candi's Picnic contains almost every sex-fetish you'll ever run into, yet it's done in the style of a children's movie-- everything is plush, cute and cuddly. I also saw some of his industrial stuff, including an 8 minute piece about the installation of a million dollar painting at MS.

Sunday evening, we went to the Beacon Hill Pub for a beer. It used to be a neighborhood gay bar. Now it's a straight club. They had the worst karioke that I have ever heard.

I've been working late this week. Next week I'm going on Vacation to Toronto, so I want to finish off my work projects before I leave.

I don't have much else to write about. I did write a short essay about my husband hunt. After I read it, it sounded whiny and stupid. Most every man who has ever wanted a husband has been in the same situation I am. There is nothing new about my husband hunt. I just have to meet a guy I'm attracted to, date him and hope for the best. Meeting someone you are attracted to, who is available, and who lives close enough to you so that you can date them, has never been easy for anyone.

Had an Ok day. Bad night.

I went over and had breakfast at Bruce and Chris's. We sat around and watched movies all day. The titles I remember are The Sweet Hereafter and Cecil B. DeMented

The Sweet Hereafter is one of those great movies that you won't like. It's about a school bus accident that kills many of a small town's children and a lawyer trying to convince the grieving parents to hire him to sue whoever may be responsible. It's very depressing and doesn't have a happy ending. The bus accident scene is very effictive. Instead of seeing a spectacular crash, you see something very low key. Instead of being entertained by an explosion, you are left with the feeling that you witnesed a horrible accident.

Had dinner at Bruce and Chris's

I went out to the Cuff later. Didn't have a good night. I ran into Darryl. A long time (6 months?) ago I gave my number to Darryl . He never called. We flirted a bit tonight. He said he still had my number, so I said "Call me". As I was leaving he pulled me aside and told me why he didn't call-- he's HIV+

Why can't I find something simple? All I want is a healthy, good, straight acting man who lives within driving distance. I don't think I'm too picky. Lately my luck is just shit.

Yes! No! Shit.

This morning I got this email from Harry...

> Hey thank you for coming over last weekend, it was
> wonderful spending time with you, hope we can spend
> more time together soon.
>
> Sorry if FB seemed a little pushy tword me, I need to
> get it through his head that we are not an item, just
> fuck buddies right now. I don't want a relationship
> right now.
>
> Anyway take care and give me a call.
>

Well. I called Harry and asked him if he wanted to have dinner Saturday night. He said he couldn't make it. He had a previous engagement that he couldn't get out of. In particular, he was going to spend the night at FB's place.

At this point, I’m giving up on Harry-- at least for a few months.

Played hockey. Lost again 4-2.

At work, I'm no longer on loan. The other team has completed their back log and no longer needs me.

I'm on edge waiting for Harry to call me. My gut tells me he's not going to call. But still, it's disappointing. It could mean that he's not interested. It could mean that he's busy. I talked to Bruce about it. Bruce is of the opinion that Harry and I are probably going to get back together agian, but it's going to take a long time to smooth things out. Bruce said that right now, Harry has the power. For the first time since Harry and I met, Harry has some power over me. So, I should expect Harry to flex it a bit. Not because he's mean, but because he's being cautious.

Nothing much has happened over the past few days. Working Hard. Cleaning a bit when I get home.

I had lunch with Bruce today. He asked me how my motorcycle course went. I lied and told him that I past.

No, I didn't hurt myself. I've had two people ask me that. Thanks for caring.

I dropped the bike on a low speed sharp turn. The drill was, from a high speed, rapidly break and then at a very slow speed (1st gear plus half clutch) follow a path that is about 4 feet wide with a 90 degree turn in it. Well, twice I hit the front break. Not much, but just enough to skid out in the sharp turn.

Last night I was over at Harry's new house. He's going to have a good place. It needs a coat of paint everywhere and new carpets. It looks like it was last painted in the late 60's.

It's got a great view.

He buttered me up a bit. He told me he was very glad I came over. He said that he missed me. He said I was as handsom as ever. He also said he didn't want to just jump into another relationship. When I told him I understood that he needed time and space. He told that wasn't what he ment. What he ment was that he just wanted to date for now.

He grabbed me and we kissed a while. We didn't go farther than that-- Harry's friends showed up. We drank some beer, retiled his part of his shower and then went out for dinner and drinks. I left for home at about 11:30. Harry thanked me for comming and said that he would call.

We'll see. This is going to be a slow ride. All I can do is relax and let it happen.

Fucker.

I failed out of my motorcycle safety class. The rule is, if you drop the bike twice, then you would be asked to leave. Well, I dropped the bike twice. The instructor gave me the option of staying. I said no. I was too wound up. Knowing that they were bending the rules bugged me too much.

Now, I've got to lay low this weekend. I don't want anyone to know that I failed out. Not many people know that was talking the course. Bruce does, as do a few people from work.

Bwahaha. Harry has invited me over to his place. I can't get ahead of myself though. It's innocent. His house closed today. This weekend, I'm taking a motorcycle safety course in south seattle-- near his house. After the course he's invited me over to see his place.

I played hockey last night. It was a frustrating game. We lost 8-2. The frustrating part is that, while I was on the ice, only two goals were scored. The other D play too offensivly. The minute we get a goal behind, they stop playing defense, and start playing like offence. And then another goal goes in.

Ryan dislocated his shoulder so he didn't play. I have to give him a call to see how he's doing.

Hmmm. Harry just gave me a call. I told him about my trip to Mt. Hood. When he heard that only Bruce, Chris and I went, he said I should have grabbed him to go.

Last night, I ran into Allan, the guy who stiffed me. I ignored him. He tackeled me, apologized, offered to pay me back, and bought me a drink. He said he was a bit stoned when he walked out on me. To further apologize, he offered to share some of his cocaine with me. Uhhh... how kind of him. I turned down the offer. We chatted for a few minutes and then I left. It looks like he's a fairly heavy drug user-- that's bad news. Stay away.

I had a great weekend. I will never forget skinny dipping in a blizzard.

It’s about a 5 hour drive from here to the Timberline Lodge. Most of it was uneventful—except for the last 6 miles. As we drove up the mountain, it started to blizzard. The last 6 miles is steep winding, icy and snowy. I haven’t driven in snow for a few years. I ditched the truck. Fortunately it was easy to push out. A good Mexican man with 4WD helped us. After that I put chains on the truck. The Mexican followed us the rest of the way up the hill to make sure we were ok. It’s amazing how long 6 miles is when you can only go 15/20 MPH. When we got to the top of the hill, we gave the man $10.00, and invited him in for a drink. He said no because he had to go.

We had thanksgiving dinner at the Lodge—great meal. It was a spendy dinner, but worth every penny. The table next to us was having a bad time. All the adults except one man, were at one end of the table. The kids, and the man, were at the opposite end. The separated man and a man on the grown-up side of the table kept glairing at each other.

After dinner, we went swimming! The lodge has a heated swimming pool; about 80F. Under water was beautiful. Above the water our heads were pelted by snow.

We stayed in for about an hour. No one else was in the pool, so we skinny dipped.

After swimming we went to the lodge bar and talked to the staff. Almost all of the staff drives Subaru’s.

We were in bed by 11pm. Because of the blizzard we didn’t expect to snowboard on Friday.

We were wrong. Friday was a beautiful, sunny day-- perfect weather for snowboarding. The three of us have very different styles. I started snowboarding last winter, so I’m still green. I fall a lot.

Bruce is more of an explorer. He wants to hit all the paths on all of the trails, just to see what’s there. He’s not afraid of any conditions because he knows he has the skills to get out. Bruce rarely falls. He makes basic snowboarding look easy—as if he just looks where he wants to go, and magically his snowboard transports him there.

Chris loves jumping and stunts. He is weak in soft and deep powder. He becomes nervous if there are no people around.

One time, we were on a very quiet trail with no one else around. Chris and I both fell in a dip. The snow was very soft and at least two feet deep. When the snow is that deep, every step is a big effort. We had to struggle to the top of the dip. Chris got a bit nervous. I was very tired and also nervous. We had never been on that trail before, so we didn’t know if it was going to get worse. Bruce on the other hand was very nonchalant. He was watching us to make sure we didn’t get into trouble—ready to take off again once we got back on our feet.

After boarding for the day, we swam again and relaxed a bit. At one point, we got out of the water, naked, made snow angles, and then jumped back in the water. It’s weird feeling the cold snow against wet skin. It’s not painful, but it’s not pleasant either.

We decided to go to town for dinner. We had to dig the truck out of a huge snow drift. It was a big struggle and took about 30 minutes. By the end, we were all tired, hungry and a bit edgy. We had dinner at the In-Between, in the town of Zig Zag.

We were back at the lodge by 8pm. Bruce went to bed. Chris and I had a drink by their huge fire place

We both hit the sack by 10pm. Unfortunately, Friday night our neighbors were nimrods. The lodge has very thin walls. Our neighbors decided to get stoned on crappy marijuana. They would puff a bit, and then cough a lot. They played gangster rap. They telephone many friends and shouted “Hey doodz! You’ll never guess where I am!” We were too tired to complain. Most of the time, we slept through it.

On Saturday the blizzard returned. The lifts were open though. So, we went snowboarding. Going down wasn’t too bad because the trails are protected by trees. The chair lifts up were cold. At some parts you got the full brunt of the wind. Still, we went down 5 or 6 times.

At about 1pm, we called it a day. We started back for Seattle. Bruce and Chris slept most of the way. At the beginning of the ride, Bruce and Chris we kind of short with each other. After a meal, and their naps, everything was good again.