I had lunch with C2 today. 6 other guys were invited, but they all backed out. C2 and I are going to take a drive up to Triange Recreation Camp on Saturday. If we like it, we'll spend the night. C2 wants to drive, because I drive slow

I left work early... 5pm. Weird. When did working 9 to 5 turn into slacking off? I went on a 30 minute hike on the trail behind my house. Afterwards, I worked out, cleaned and read.

I had dinner with Steven last night. Things are going good with him. Because of our last dinner together, he and his boyfriend broke up. It was a long distance relationship. His boyfriend wasn't comfortable with Steven having dinner, alone, with another gay man, and called Steven up at 2:30 in the morning to tell him so.

Steven is enjoying his new freedom. He's going up to Victoria to see a guy that he met last weekend. He also wants to go to San Francisco for a weekend. He also hit on me. I didn't respond to his advances, so he quickly backed off. I just want to keep Steven as a friend. He's a good guy. When it comes to dating he's trouble

Mathew and I are having dinner together on Wednesday.

Random things that I wanted to remember, but didn't find a good way to put in my journal...

When I was in whitefish MT, taking a taxi back to the resort, the taxi driver was stoned. At one point when there was nothing on the road, she slammed on the breaks and then said "Sorry, I thought I saw a deer.

I’m still frustrated over Harry. Just when I think I’m getting him out of my heart he writes me or phones me and it all starts up again.

I keep forgetting to turn my BBQ off. After I grill something, I'll turn the BBQ all the way up to burn the crud of the grill. More than once I've gone to grill something the next day, but found the BBQ tank empty and the burners turned to max.

I work near a woman who sometimes dresses like an elf. She also wears necklaces and earrings that jingle. It's surreal to hear a jingling sound then look out the door and see an elf walk by.

I haven’t responded to any of the emails or phone calls sent by people I met when I was in Zimbabwe. They were nice people but trapped in poverty. There are so few opportunities for the people of Zimbabwe. When they call or write me there is always a subtext of “Can you help me leave Zimbabwe and move to the U.S.A.” I feel a bit guilty for this.

I have to manage Bruce. Bruce says he’s going to do many things, and he’ll tell people he’s going to do those things, but then at the last minute he backs out. This happens constantly. In the past two months he’s invited people to, but then canceled, three different parties. The only reason I accept this is that I know it’s going to happen. I don’t trust Bruce to follow through with anything.

I think “pedophile” is a funny sounding word. It hides the seriousness of the crime by making me snicker.

My friend M once said “I must have ate a whole forest because I’ve been dropping logs all day long.”

Bruce and I went to Portland for the weekend. We got off to a slow start. C3 couldn't make it because he had to do some camera work for his film on Saturday night.

At the last minute, Bruce had to go to a Funeral on Saturday morning, so we didn't leave till 1pm.

While Bruce was at the funderal I had breakfast with C2. C2 said he ran into Mathew on Friday night. C2 thought that Mathew was much more attracted to me, than I am to him. Mathew also said that he didn't want to rush into things and screw things up. Very good.

On the way down to Portland I got a speeding ticket. 78mph in a 60 zone. $133.00. Bleah.

In Portland, we stayed at C&J's. Their friend R was there. R is a nice guy who lives 3 hours south west of Portland. J has been trying to hook R and I up for the longest time. He's a nice guy, but he lives 6 hours away from me.

Saturday evening, we went to the Omnimax theater and saw a film about the international space station. It was the first time that R has seen an Omnimax film. After the film we went over to H's for some drinks. H is a weird mixed good man. He comes across as a screaming queen, but he's very athletic. He skii's snowboards, dives, water skiis and so on. If H isn't the center of conversation, then he becomes very showy and obnoxios. Fortuanatly, he's interesting enough that he often deserves to be the center of conversation.

Saturday night, well... R and I ended up sleeping together. He's the first guy I've slept with since December. It was nice. The next morning we talked about it. He can't move to Seattle. I can't move to Lincon City. We're going to keep in touch, but no strings.

J worked on Sunday. C took the rest of us hiking by Multinomeh Falls. It was a good hike.

Around 6pm, Bruce and I said goodbye and we headed for home.

I had a dinner date last night with Mathew. I got his number last Saturday. I went into the date with luke warm feelings and left with slightly warming feelings. It's not love at first sight. But, Mathew is a keeper. He is worth getting to know better.

Apparently Mathew has had a crush on me for a few years. Two Christmas's ago I had a straglers Christmas Dinner at my place. One of the straglers mentioned he had a shy friend who wanted to meet me. The friends nickename for me was "My big Swede"

Last night over dinner, Mathew said before he knew my name, he would refer to me as "My Big Swede."

I'm Dutch by the way.

He said he came out of the closet when he was twenty one. Then he met a great woman and was married to her for five years. That ended in a crappy divorce.

We'll see what happens.

We're going to try and get together next week. Bruce, C3 and I are going to Portland this weekend so it will be next week at the earliest before I can see him.

I had a hockey practice tonight.

Bruce came over to my place to use my computer, scanner and printer. When I returned from hockey we had a couple of martini's and we started talking...

About a month ago I showed Chris how to use the Microsoft Outlook Calendar program. To show Chris how to make appoinments, I made an joke appoinment called "Sex Party-- Bring Lube."

Last night Bruce and I had a few drinks together. So he started to talk(more than he usually does) He said he was worried something was wrong between he and Chris. Bruce was nosy and looked through Chris's computer. He found an appointment for "Sex Party-- Bring Lube". Now he didn't know what to do. He didn't want to admit to Chris that he was looking through the computer. On the other hand, he couldn't remember if he and Chris were together on the "Sex Party" day and was worried that Chris was doing something behind his back.

When Bruce told me this, I broke out laughing and told him the truth. Part of me feels sorry for scaring him. The other part of me says it serves him right for beeing nosy.

Bruce had a small emergency today. His washing machine caught on fire. He put a load in and smoke started to pour out. He paniced a bit, and called 911. No one was hurt though.

I had a lazy day. I got up at around 9:30 and played NightCaster till about 4:30pm. I finally got off my lazy butt, went on a good 45 minute hike and worked out. Then I went downtown to the Cuff. the usual crowds was there. I also saw Brian, but he didn't acknowlege me. He picked up some guy and left. Brian gets around much more than he admits to.

I also ran into L. L works down the hall from me. But, about a month ago his vanished. His manager won't say what happened to him. Well, last night I ran into L at the Cuff. We chatted for a while. He's basically burnt out. He's had a number of minor healty problems that wouldn't go away because he was pushing him self too hard. So, he's taking some time off to get things in order. I think goaded him into writing some of the people at work. We've been worried about him. It's good to know he's ok.

It's "Spring Thaw", a large Bear weekend event in Seattle. Unfortunatly most of the bears are obease. Why are there so few normal gay men. No queeny attitudes. No urges to do drag. Fairly fit. Like to do more than cruise and have sex. You'd thing that straight acting gay guys would be more common. Instead, the gay community taken men and added the least attractive parts of being a woman.

Anyways, the Cuff was packed last night. There was even a lineup to get in. D was there. I've had a crush on D for a while but he's not interested in me. He answers questions if I talk to him. But he never puts effort into talking to me.

One guy gave me his number. He's a nice guy, fairly attractive too. I'll call him up for dinner.

We had a celebration at work today. My product has sold 100 million licenses. If I only had a penny for every license. Bruce tagged along. It was ok. Half decent food. Free beer and wine.

Later on Bruce, C2 and I had dinner together at Siam's. C2 invited 3 other guys-- B, M and T.

Some filler...
1. Siam's is a small restaurant and it's hard to seat 6 people
2. C2 has sex with many guys. He's had sex with most of his friends. We know this, but don't talk about it.

About half way through dinner, C2 said "I also invited E, but I'm glad he didn't show. We wouldn't have been able to fit him."
B said "Which E?"
C2 Said "EC."
B's face dropped at that point. Then he said "How did you know E?"
It turns out that That EC. and B were dating but broke up last September. They don't get along now. One of the reasons the two broke up was that EC. was sleeping around. C2 and B were silent for a while and just staired at each other. Then B said "Ok, I need to know. When did you have sex with E?"

C2 said he had sex with E in November, after they broke up. So B let it pass. He apologized a few minutes later.

Bruce came over tongiht. C3 is still in NY working. Bruce said that he and C3 will probably move to NY in about a year. C3's career in the film industry is starting to take off. There are very few jobs in Seattle. He's been flying to NY for 2 or 3 weeks every now and then. Earning a lot of money and then flying back to Seattle to spend time with Bruce, and to try and make things work here.

I think I'll start the Barry Cohen book of the month club to fill the void left by the end of Oprah's Book of the month club. My club will be different, it will suck. I stop reading most books I buy because they are boring, or too hard to understand. Plus, I don't think I read more than 3 or 4 books a year. So, my book of the month club will feature lots of padding.

Movie bears tonight C2 and I went along. When we were in the theater, a woman noticed the us, about 20 gay bear men, and was a bit confused. She said. "You are all, well, not small. And you all have this Stepford Wife quality."

We saw Death To Smoochy. It's a good black comedy about two children's TV clowns who become involved with the mob. Considering the action reloves around childrens shows, it's a very adult film. There are lots of good quick jokes...

Security Guard; "Are you ok?"
Rainbow Randolf; "I don't know. I'm pretty fucked up anyways so it's hard to gauge."

...

Gangster; "I'll slice off his balls and shove them up his ass!"
Smoochy; "You could let the police take care of it."
Gangster; "No, the police won't do the ball thing. It's not proper procedure."

Afterwards I picked Bruce up at the airport. He enjoyed his trip to NY and Philidephia although he felt a bit uncomfortable meeting C3's family. I told him that I couldn't badge him in like he asked. He thanked me for trying and said he'd tell me why sometime over martini's.

I drove home and finished Halo on the X-Box. I'm glad it's over. It's a very well done game that didn't really click with me. I only finished it to see how the story ended.

I had a good workout last night. I'm at a weird point with my bench press. I could add more weight but I don't feel it's safe. When they push a lot of weight, they work fine for 10 or 11 reps, but then they collapse. I can do 12 reps at my current weight (150lbs) but my muscles feel like they are at the verge of collapse. I'm worried if I add any more wieght, that I'll hurt myself.

I wish I had a spotter. I'll try 155lbs for 10 reps and see how it goes.

I am also working on not thinking about Harry. Although he hasn't said it, his actions make it very clear he doesn't want me in his life. It's frustrating to want someone who doesn't want you. I wish I could switch those feelings off.

It's frustrating. I sent Harry a "It's good to see you email" on Monday, and he still hasn't replied. Maybe he's not checking his email regularly. More likely he's not interested in keeping in touch with me.

I found a good hike right behind my house. There is a large park near my house, but I rarely go there. Tonight after work I took a walk and found a 30 minute trail that goes past very few houses. It's almost as if your are in the middle of a large forest.

I got my new sofa and love seat today. They are a bit much. Everything else in the living room is noticeably not as nice as the new furiture.I have to rearrange to see what happens.

It's two years later and nothing has changed.

Both Brian and Harry were at the Cuff tonight.

Well, one thing has changed. I no longer have feelings for Brian.

Harry and I flirted and kissed a bit. He apologized for our agrument last January. I apologized too. We both blamed each other for us not talking for the past few months. He told me to call him. We'll see. I know that I have to play things very very slow.

Brian and I talked a while. He's starting to put his life back together. He told me he was very tense and couldn't trust anyone. I tried to get him to see a shrink-- that offended him. He presured me to sleep with him, but I said no.

I'm annoyed with the way my memories affect my desire to visit a place. I used to like going to Portland. That used to be Brian's and my weekend gateway. Now when I go to Portland I find myself thinking about all the arguing Brian and I did. Now I don't like Porland.

Then there is the Red Robin Restaurant in Redmond. I've only ate there twice. The first time was with Harry. We had a good time. The second time I went was after Harry and I split. I go so bumbed that I haven't gone back.

Mt. Reineer is in the same category. I want to go, but I have to drive past Harry's place to get there.

Right now, every time I find a new place I like, I want to hide it from everyone but my most trusted friends. I never want to taint it.

It's raining and gray now. I'd rather be outside than reminising about old times.

Saturday night R&J had an "Iron Chef Cooking Party" at their house. The theme was "Box Food." We all had to bring a dish to the party based on boxed food. I went to Uwajimaya, an Asian grocery, and bought some "Macaroni Gratin Quick Up White Sauce." Basically it's gorgonzola flavoured macaroni and cheese. I added some green peppers, onions and chicken to the mix. And voila... Asian box food. I ended up winning the prize for best food.

"Macaroni Gratin Quick Up White Sauce." has a very strong smell. I can still smell it in my kitchen.

Afterwards we watched the real Iron Chef on TV. It was "Giant Eel Battle."

Friday night, C2, officer Rob and I had dinner at Galerias. It was bit spendy, but still good. They were voted "Best margarita in Seattle" in 2001. It was a good dinner, but I think C2 prefers Siams.

After dinner, I headed over to the Timberline to meet a friend, R, to celibrate his birthday. I also ran into D&L from the my skii trip to Whitefish. As luck would have it D used to be R's roommate.

We chatted and got very drunk. L said everything he said that night didn't count because we were so shitfaced. He asked me "Why couldn't I have met you a year ago?" He also implied that he and D would be breaking up in the next few months. I guess he's a bit of a jerk, But, guys are jerks when they get drunk.

I've got to watch my drinking. When I left, I was so drunk, I didn't notice I was drunk. But, I was driving I noticed that I was seeing double. When I got out of my drunk I noticed that I was brushing into walls and things.

I slept in till noon.

Bruce and C3 have headed off to NYNY and Philadelphia for a week. They are going to the premiere of Emmett's Mark a film that C3 worked on.

After a dropped Bruce off (C3 left a day earlier) Bruce called me and asked a weird favour. He asked me to drive to his place, get his work badge and badge him in at work. He didn't want to say why, and told me that someday after I made him a few martini's he'd tell me. I agreed.

I told C2 about Bruce's favour. C2 said he could drive me to Bruce's place to pick up the pass. In the evening, C2 had dinner with a friend he doesn't really like, but who is his boss's boss. He used me as an execuse to get away from dinner at an early hour.

We drove to Bruce's place but we couldn't get the badge. Bruce said the badge was in his truck, but his truck was locked and we couldn't find the key.

So, C2 and I went to the Cuff and drank some beer.

What a lame story.

Movie bears night Wednesdaynight. C2 and I went together. We saw Big Trouble. Not bad. Not great.

Afterwards we ran up to the Cuff. Talked to officer Rob and a few of the guys.

Office Rob has took out an online personal ad. He said he took it out as more of an experiment than anything. He was only getting sex requests. The ad started off with a regular photo of him. Later on he switched it to a photo of him in uniform. When he did so he got many more replies.

Today C2 found the ad and showed it to me. No wonder he's only getting sex requests...

Ideal First Date: A Happy Meal and the dirty deed
Sexual Interests: One-on-One, Three-Way, Groups/Parties/Orgies, Friends with benefits
I'll Jump in the sack: First date

I'm trying to think of a funny "Happy Meal" line to say the next time I see him.

Tuesday night I had dinner with Steven. I had a few dates with Steven a bit over a year ago. This wasn't a date, just a dinner. Both of us are career oriented guys trying to meet good and interesting people and having a tough go of it.

I respect Steven. He get's out there and does things and he's a more interesting person for it. I want to become more like that. So, this summer I'm going to drop out of the scene and do a lot of camping and touring

We've decided to have dinners together more or less weekly. It will be hit or miss because he travels a lot for work.

Now that there is more sun in the evenings, I have much more energy. Monday night I cooked, cleaned, did laundry and then went out and saw a the 10pm showing of Amelie

I stayed in Friday night. Very rare for me.

Sat morning I had breakfast with C2. Nothing exciting there.

For lunch I went over to Bruce's. C3 had to leave for Monroe to do some more work on his film. Bruce and I had a martini lunch.

After lunch we hiked along Shilshole bay. While we were there, a windsurfer collapsed from exhuastion & hypothermia. A few kayakers had to haul him back to land. Bruce and I hung around and watched the EMT's and the Firemen. A few of them were cute.

I went to P's birthday part in the evening. Bruce and I work with P. P and his partner have an open relationship and are part of the sleep set (I slept with him, and him, and him....) Definatly not my thing. There were a number of players there. I got several pickup lines like "Hey my boyfriend is out of town, would you like to...."

When I said goodbye to P, I interupted a scene. A number of guys quickly zipped up when i walked into the room. As I walked out I said "Hey, remember when your mom said 'Don't put that in your mouth! You don't know where it's been.'" Then I waved goodbye.

Played hockey tonight. We lost 6-1. So, it's the end of the season.

A friend of a friend is going through a very hard time right now. She was dating Kam. Two weeks ago Kam amicably ended it with her. Shortly afterwards she was laid off from work. Then someone decided to sue her for some copyrighted photos she used on her personal web site. I hope things work out for her.

Ryan is starting up a new company. Things are going slowly. It's taking weeks to get the lease for the office space signed. On top of that it will be over a month before they can get high speed internet connectivity to the office. Ryan is frustrated with the slow pace of everything. It's slowing them down from doing real work.

Today at work, I was re-orged. My manager and one guy on the team are leaving for a different team. Another guy on my team is new manager. This will be interesting. Last January they asked every one on our team who was interested in managing. I, and the other senior dev both said no. We wanted to stay technical. The only guy who wanted to manage is just 3 years out of college-- now he's the manager.

It should be ok. At my level, I decide what to do and use my manager for policital clout when I need help from other teams. So, a change in management shouldn't affect my day to day job.

It was sunny and beautiful today. I could smell and feel the difference in the air.

In the evening I saw the Panic Room with the movie bears. It is a good thriller.

Afterwards i went to the Cuff. Bruce and Chris dropped by so we chatted for a while. I also ran into officer Rob. It was a good night.

Brian's best friend was there. We talked about Brian for a while. The friend was invited to a party. On the invitation he was asked to not invite Brian.

Brian will be back from Florida next week.

Work is still stressfull. I'm having some focus problems. As part of our security review, for four hours a day, every day, my team has been reviewing computer code. Today, for a few minutes I was unable to focus on the code. I had to stand back, blink a bit, talk a walk around and get some more coffee.

I had a fun social day today. Some friends from my hockey team invited me over for Easter bruch. We had a good time. I haven't really talked to this group of people in months. I like them, and I need to put an effort into spending more time with them.

In the afternoon we played video games with each other. Mostly Dead Or Alive 3 a fighting game where many scantily clad, large breasted women duke it out.

Afterwards we saw E.T. together. It's weird how the movie has changed now that I've grown up. When I was a kid, I remember thinking that the scientists were mean and nasty-- bad guys. Twenty years later they look like compasionate people who wanted to save E.T. and reacted to the situation with common sense.

We drove to the theater in a '72 Cadillac nicknamed "Big Green." It was tight, but we managed to fit all seven of us in Big Green. They don't make cars like they used to.

In the evening I had dinner with B&C at the Elysian. C is in the middle of editing his film. It's taking up a lot of his time. Bruce is still unpacking from when he moved in two months ago.