I’ve had an uneventful couple of days. Friday I went out drinking and ran into Will. I run into him every Friday. We drank a lot, and toured the bars. Will’s going through a phase right now. He’s going through a divorce, and is under the impression that gay bars are a great place to meet guys.. He comes onto everyone (Including me) I think he sleeps around a lot. But the truth is, he may sleep around just as much as me, it’s just that I’m better at hiding it.

The big problem is that he dates a guy once or twice, and then starts to hate them. That’s the major reason why I don’t want to date Will-- too much trouble.

Saturday, I went to Portland; stayed at the Mark Spencer. Toured the Saturday Market, went drinking. I’ve only been to Portland 5 times in the 3 years that I’ve lived in Seattle. Yet, every time I go to Portland, there’s always an event, or a reason. Never just to relax. The first 3 times, it was to get away from Brian. Brian and I fought a lot; Portland was our patch up place. In fact the second time I went to Portland, we got into a big fight right there. He wanted to go steady. I wanted to take it easier. When he asked me if I loved him, and I said no, then it really set things off.

The fourth time I went to Portland, I was dating Harry. Andy and I went to Portland for a Softball Tournament. Friday night, I met Terry, a really nice guy from Seattle. I stayed with him Friday and Saturday Night, and we agreed to get together the next weekend. Before I went to Portland, I knew that I wasn’t interested in a steady relationship with Harry-- I was working up the courage to end it with him. When Andy and I talked things over, we decided that I had to end it with Harry the next Friday. But Friday rolled around, and I couldn’t do it. Harry and I went out to the Cuff. Guess who was there? Terry. Terry looked at Harry and I, and figured things out. I felt like a heal. I guess I wasn’t to friendly that night, because Harry mentioned that I was acting distant. I was. I felt bad.

A couple of days later, I called up Terry, and apologized to his answering machine. He called my machine back, and said that what I did was fairly typical in the gay community, but it was atypical for a guy to call and apologize, and that he respected me for doing so.

When I told Andy about running into Terry with Harry, Andy slapped me. He said, “You are so stupid. Why did you do that? You were going to break up with Harry. Terry is a great guy.” He shook his head. Andy and I both have problems conducting relationships. We try to discipline each other.

Months later, after Harry and I stopped dating, I ran into Terry at the Cuff; he had a boyfriend. We said ‘hi’ to each other, but he kept his distance. Andy was ready to go up to Terry and say “Barry fucked up, and he’s really sorry for it. He was ready to break up with the other guy, but it took longer than he expected.” I don’t know if Andy was trying to help, or trying to get me in trouble. Andy likes to do both.

I wish Terry luck. I am the victim of my choices.

Sunday I drove to Mount St. Helens. As part of my personal religion, I’m supposed to go to mountains, and meditate. Unfortunately, St. Helens isn’t a good meditation mountain. Sure it’s big, and the site of the destruction, even 20 years later, is aw inspiring. But, after about 15 minutes of being in aw of the mountain, the feeling subsides. Then you look around and see that the whole area is a great big gravel pit. Without vegetation, there is nothing but gray stone from horizon to horizon. There is no place to get away, and meditate in peace.

Sunday evening, I drove back to Seattle. Had beers at the Cuff. Talked to Brian for a while. He wants to have me over for dinner.

In conclusion, I drink a lot, and treat guys poorly.