And I am back in the Ottawa Valley.

On Sunday afternoon, Dad called me. He was on the verge of tears. He explained that Mom was getting weaker every day—barely eating and struggling to stand up. Someone needed to be by her side even when using the toilet.

I flew up later on Sunday afternoon. Fortunately for me, Ottawa isn't a popular destination in January, making last-minute seats easy to get and not too expensive.

My husband (Thank you, sweetie!) is taking care of home and the dog while I am away.

My brothers and I have planning to do. My sister-in-law, who works in elder care, has reminded us that Mom could live for weeks or months. There is no way to know for sure.

I've been sorting through palliative care options with my father. Mom is not suffering, but she is very floppy, having difficulty moving or sitting up in her chair. My sister-in-law is teaching us how to move Mom safely without hurting our backs or manhandling her. For now, Mom will stay at home.

I want to understand how quickly we could get Mom into a proper hospice if she starts experiencing pain. To answer that, my job for now is to project manage the different care providers. Dad doesn't know how big hospital systems operate, what questions to ask, or how to be assertive in seeking information. He tends to be too polite and passive, trusting that all care providers will get back to him when needed.

And how is Mom? She is quiet, tranquil, and claims not to be in pain. My sister-in-law agrees. There are no signs of wincing or flinching. Mom sleeps a lot, listens when you talk to her, and smiles and laughs a little. Maybe she'll ask you to repeat yourself when she doesn't understand, and then she lays back and naps a bit more.

The doctor and dad have talked. Mom has stage four cancer. The doctor recommends palliative care instead of treatment. 

My brothers and I have discussed. While we don't know how long mom will live, we want to spend time with her while she can still appreciate our visit. I'm planning to fly up for a month. That's a large commitment. I need to coordinate that with my husband. We will need to figure out dog care as my husband frequently travels for work and I take care of our dog when he is out. My work should be OK with this. I'll be able to work from my parents place, though with east coast hours.

My brothers and I will stay at our parents place for this trip. One struggle with that is the spare bedroom mattresses are old and uncomfortable. They are literally the beds and mattresses we had as kids. Dad is not one to spend cash on creature comforts. My brother joked.... "If those mattresses were good enough for you when you were a kid, then they should be good enough for you as an adult." 

We are sending some mattresses to our parents. As remote as my parents are, Amazon ships there. 

My youngest brother will drive up to my parents tonight. The neighbors and family have been updated to give dad some space. When dad is ready, the visits will begin.

My home office window overlooks our backyard, where a hummingbird feeder has been attracting these birds for years. This morning, I noticed that the feeder had frozen due to first big dip in temperatures. This is not uncommon in the Pacific Northwest winter. Hummingbirds are equipped to handle it.

Midway through the morning, I received an email that the results of my mother’s latest chest scan were available. My mother is on the decline, sleeping more, coughing more, and eating less. My father asked me to call when the results came in, hoping they would point to the cause.

And they did. My mother’s lung cancer has returned. My husband and I read the file together, and he helped interpret the dense language spoken by doctors.

I don't think I could process the emotions of the situation so when I looked up and saw a hummingbird buzzing around the frozen feeder, I decided that I immediately needed to help the hummingbirds by providing them with a thawed feeder. I made some new hummingbird food and swapped out the frozen feeder for the fresh one with the new liquid food. Two hummingbirds rapidly flew to it, but instead of sipping from the feeder, they attacked each other and then flew away. This happened a few times. They are so greedy and territorial.

After a while, a lone hummingbird came back to the feeder and took a long drink rather than its usual quick sip. He flew away, and then the other flew in. Things could be so much better for them if they knew how to share.

I video called my parents and shared the news. My father’s voice wavered a little. I think he was also a little relieved. The cancer explains my mother’s symptoms.

Mom was frustrated with the conversation. Her dementia doesn’t allow her to remember events more than five minutes ago, so we had to catch her up and be as simple and blunt as possible about the situation: she has lung cancer, but it has not spread beyond the lungs and is treatable. In a few days, dad and she will discuss treatment with the doctors.

After the call with my parents, I informed my brothers and a close cousin. We will talk later and decide what we must do and how we can help.

Work is a peculiar blend of pressure and relief. The relief comes from the absence of upper management and some colleagues who are either sick or on vacation. The pressure, however, is due to the looming deadlines for significant commitments next week. Those present are striving to complete as much as possible to prevent a crisis. In the meantime, I’m making decisions that ideally require our VP’s input, hoping there won’t be too much to rectify upon his return.

The chill of winter is finally upon us. The season’s first snowflakes are gently falling outside my window. This morning, a hummingbird was spotted at our feeder, preparing for the cold snap.

On a personal note, I’m working to minimize distractions and reduce my reliance on my cellphone. I haven’t completely abandoned social media, but I’ve stopped checking my cell first thing in the morning and only use it when necessary during the day. This change has freed up more time for me to engage in activities of my choice, such as writing, reflecting, thinking, and exercising.

These minor distractions are everywhere. Even opening a web browser for work presents enticing notifications that attempt to divert my attention from my tasks.

Back to work

​This week at work remained calm with many colleagues still on vacation, I focused on preparations for an upcoming meeting. This was a little challenging with the absence of key collaborators.

Saturday we caught up on errands, such as packing away Christmas decorations and organizing the garage, lunch with the mother-in-law plus a garbage run and grocery shopping for the week. A productive day.

New Year

​Vacation is over. Flying back to Seattle now. We have consumed far too many sweets. My belly has grown. Maybe we shouldn’t call something delicious if it makes you feel like a bloated cow.

It was wonderful to catch up with friends. I’ve known many of them for years, decades really. Together we’ve gone through many of life's challenges.

We spent as much time with GM as we could. Her husband passed away last July. She has recovered well, though this is her first Christmas as a widow. Her husband didn’t have a will. This has slowed down probate. Financially, she’s OK, but the extra delays are frustrating.

My husband and I also don’t have a will either. There is a draft that we’ve been kicking around for over a year. We need to get that done.

A few of us are also starting to experience parents who have aged to the point where they struggle to take care of themselves. No easy solutions here. We can only patiently support each other through the heartbreak of watching your parents in the last decade of their lifes.

My husband and I are also having good discussions around where we want to retire. It won’t be Toronto. Perhaps we’ll stay there now and then when the weather is pleasant. Winter is too cold and gray.

We are within three or four years of having enough savings that retirement won’t be a financial shock. We still have to answer the question “What will we do with our time? What shall we do with our lives?” A life with little more than travel and socializing would drive me nuts. So, here I am in my fifties reasking that age-old question “What is the meaning of life?” Perhaps I am better able to tackle that question now than I was in my youth. Nonetheless, the question still stands

Merry Christmas

​For whatever reason, I can’t write blogger comments on my cell phone, so Tommy, Bohemian, Bathwater, Bella and everyone else..Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy New Year’s.

We have eaten an obscene amount of chocolate and sweets over the past two days and have been spending much time catching up with relatives.

The husband is a trouper, socializing with so many of my relatives. Thank you sweetie!

The weather has been pleasant— just under freezing. The snow sticks, but it’s not too cold. We’ve taken a few lovely walks.

My brother, dad and I have also had a few good conversations about mom’s care. While it breaks dad’s heart, mom will go to assisted living when the next opportunity comes up. As dad said, this is the end of an era. This is also a healthy decision for both my parents. I respect dad for all the care he has provided. 

In the Valley

​Now in the Ottawa Valley, visiting my parents for a few days. The trip up was frustrating – our Seattle flight got canceled last minute due to weather. Wednesday evening we rebooked to fly out of Vancouver early Thursday morning, then woke up at 2:30 am to drive there.

The rest of the trip was uneventful. We spent a few hours in the evening with my parents and planned some outings with my cousins.

Dad and I found a moment to discuss Mom and the care she needs. He admitted there are days he's ready to move her to assisted living; she's on the waiting list for three such homes. I strongly support this. Mom isn't safe alone; she's unstable, making it too easy for her to fall.

Holiday season…

​We hosted a holiday gathering today, with approximately 30 to 40 guests, including people we only see once or twice a year at similar events.

During this  holiday season, we have gone to a party or dinner every night since Wednesday. With my boss visiting for a few days in the upcoming week, I expect there will be a few ore. Then, on Thursday, we are scheduled to fly out to visit my parents near Ottawa. Busy, busy, busy.

At work I’ve been in more of a contemplative mood. My boss is around this week. He has a way of thinking and speaking that is positive, forward looking, outcome oriented and empowering. He doesn’t put up with complaints or shortsightedness, especially from well paid employees. It has me think, what do I want from my career and my organization. I have enough influence that I don’t get to complain about the powers that be. But what do I want…

The rain in Seattle has been relentless, but thankfully we're not in a flood zone.

I have a coworker who bought a house a few years ago. At that time, he was surprised that the previous owner left a portable pump, sand bags, hoses and pipes in the garage. Now he understands what they are for. When the rain is heavy enough, a stream flows down the street and into his driveway. The sandbags, pump and pipes divert the water and protect his house.

Work has been especially intense lately, with some substantial last-minute deliverables that require the team to push through. Everyone is working admirably-- hard and smart. I'm proud of them.

I received two pieces of tough feedback at work that I've been reflecting on.

The first concerns an employee who has been slacking off. He's no longer keeping my boss informed and by year's end will have taken 7 weeks of vacation, not all of which is recorded in our system. I'm disappointed that I didn't catch this sooner.

The second feedback stems from a presentation I gave to our CEO several weeks ago. A colleague who now regularly briefs our CEO rewatched our presentation and shared his observations. He noting I had a tendency towards lengthy responses, which sometimes muddied the message rather than clarifying it. In retrospect, I understand my motivation. I wanted to adhere to our message and showcase our team's in-depth knowledge. However, a simple "yes" or "no" is sometimes the right answer.

We have a new room mate. He is a traveling nurse with a dog that gets along well with our dog.

I have a family matter to consider. My mother's health has been declining for months, and Dad is firm about keeping her home for as long as possible. He is against placing her in a nursing home. My brother and I had a discussion about this yesterday. He states Dad is struggling in caring for Mom and that neither he nor Dad would push back if I decided to move Mom to a nursing home.

My brother and I are considering this carefully.

Years ago, my uncles made the difficult decision to move my grandparents into nursing homes. I wish I had more information about that experience.

I will visit my parents over Christmas, and Dad and I will have a detailed discussion then.

> I'm going to Roast a Chicken Hen later this weekend and I will use your method on the Egg to roast the Old Hen...

I do recommend spatchcocking. It's a little more work upfront, but the bird will roast more quickly. 

Our guests departed earlier today, marking the end of a pleasant long weekend.

Thanksgiving celebration was attended by eight people. The spatchcocked turkey was a success. No one left the table hungry. The conversation flowed smoothly, with only one instance where my husband had to steer his mother’s discussion away from a potentially contentious topic.

Over the weekend, we took the opportunity to showcase the beauty of Seattle to our guests, while also spending quality time with my in-laws.

The husband's cousin is interesting. He's a struggling rock musician with a day job running the warehouse for an instrument manufacturer. He has played for rock bands, but since COVID has mostly released ambient albums. As he put it-- they had success in Sacramento. There the band regularly played in front of hundreds of people. When they toured they could never replicate that success-- San Francisco, Los Angeles, Seattle. In the end it was exhausting and a constant drain of money to only play to small crowds in small clubs. 

The husband’s aunt and cousin have arrived. The are spending a few days with us. They seem to be lovely people.

The cousin has spent a good amount of time investigating their family history. Throughout the evening, he shared stories. The husband greatly appreciated this. Although the husband has various bits of memorabilia from his family, he knows little about them or their history. He was able to make some connections and understand a bit more about who owned what and why.

They also discussed the chaos the Husband's mother put them through as they grew up. I think it was the first time the Husband realized that the neighbors and extended family were conserned about the chaos that he and his brothers went through. There was little an outsider could do to intervene. The husband’s mother always provided her children. They had food and shelter. She never abused them. The chaos resulted from many moves, constant drinking, a high turnover of her husbands and boyfriends and many lovers’ quarrels. It was not the best place for kids to grow up.

How will I roast my bird? Short answer-- spatchcock and roast it on a gas grill.

Longer answer. I'm really using our gas grill as an oven. I'll put an 18lbs spatchcocked turkey on a large sheet pan that's lined with lemons, carrots, rosemary and a little broth. I'll roast it at about 375F with indirect heat, baste regularly, pull it when the breast hits 165F then let it rest for twentyish minutes.

And what are your turkey day plans?

The recent layoffs, followed by the ensuing reorganization and associated chaos, have turned my work into a nonstop firehose of tasks. I despise being the manager who convenes last-minute meetings to discuss last-minute deliverables with last-minute deadlines, but here I find myself.

As many of my colleagues take this week off for vacation, I'm hoping for a moment of tranquility to catch up and ponder our current situation. We are so busy that we can't think.

Later this week, we'll be hosting a large Thanksgiving dinner. The Husband's relatives are coming in from out of town, and we've also invited friends.

My role will be to roast the turkey. I look forward tot that. There's something satisfying about roasting meat. It's not particularly challenging; it demands more patience than skill. And the outcome tastes great.

We recently had layoffs at work, mainly affecting middle management and senior employees. Fortunately, my department was not affected. Looking at the list of those laid off, I'm not entirely sure what their jobs were, so it seems like a reasonable decision.

Reflecting on it, I wouldn't mind being laid off myself. It could be a clear signal to take a break from the daily grind, focus on what's next, and possibly ease up on my career ambitions.

Reactions to the layoffs vary. In my department, most people seem quite calm about it. It reaffirms that our objectives and aspirations exceed our current capacity to achieve them.

I regularly video chat with my parents. I got them a smart display at the start of COVID, which has been a wonderful way to stay in touch, especially since my mother's strokes.
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The smart display sits off to the side of the living room. My parents have to navigate across the room to use it. When I call, Dad answers, then goes back to assist Mom. He patiently guides her across the room, and she eventually flops down into a chair with no coordination or control. It's a tough sight to witness. 

On Saturday, we put up Christmas decorations, at least on the inside of our house. My husband enjoys the decorations, and since we will be spending Christmas with my parents, he wanted ours to be up a few extra weeks.

Sunday, we took my husband's mother out to see a musical, "Hadestown." It's a great musical. My mother-in-law is also in decline. She is rather frail and on oxygen all the time, so getting her into and out of the theater is a logistical challenge. I don't mind doing it though, even if it does take a few extra hours for us to get there and back.

Monday, my husband flew off for work. On the way down, he wrote me a touching love text inspired by "Hadestown." It was very sweet of him.

The workweek is ending on a positive note. Two personnel issues within my organization have been successfully resolved, and the executive who was providing the most challenging feedback on our plans has decided to depart from the company.

Work has been stressful. Work has been in the news and not in a good way. Fortunately the issues don't directly impact me. The executives are stressed though and that can't help but trickle down.