Travel day. Pics to come…

More travel notes…

Portugal and the Azores are very easy to travel in. The water and food are safe. Alcohol is inexpensive—beer and wine often appear at buffets, and in the Azores the local wine is both lovely and affordable.

Portuguese food tends to be heavy, with a lot of meat, dairy, cheese, and fish. Even so, it was easy to find restaurants serving good meals at reasonable prices.

The islands operate on their own time. For one excursion, we arrived twenty minutes early, only to be told to come back at the scheduled time. When someone asked if five minutes early would be better, the answer was the same: “At the scheduled time.”

On another tour, our guide announced we would have ten or fifteen minutes at a viewpoint. He said Germans like to ask, “Which is it—ten or fifteen?” He enjoys answering with something even less specific.

If we return, we’ve been told more than once that Mosteiros is a wonderful place to stay, and that September and October are ideal—fewer tourists and a warm ocean. I’d also like to stay in Furnas. It’s off the coast, but looked lovely.

Travel notes for future me…

July 25 – Arrived. Rode a tuk-tuk—a great way to get a feel for the city and decide where to explore.

26 – Tile museum.

27 – Explored historic parts of Lisbon.

28 – Sintra with friends. Charming city.

29 – Took the train from Lisbon to Porto—comfortable and efficient. Explored Porto. Dinner at a Fado restaurant (live music). The Fado was excellent.

30 – Visited a few museums. Dinner out. Good restaurants are common here. Food and water are safe. Prices are reasonable.

31 – Toured the Douro Valley. Much of Portugal’s Port wine is grown here.

Aug 1 – A driver took us along the nearby coast. Helpful for deciding where we might stay on a future visit.

2 – Explored Porto on foot.

3 – Flew to the Azores.

4 – Toured Sete Cidades. Gorgeous.

5 – Whale watching on a zodiac. Saw Sei whales, a sperm whale, and common and spotted dolphins.

6 – Whale watching again, this time with a larger group. Saw sperm whales, bottlenose dolphins, and spotted dolphins.

7 – Hot springs and tea plantation.

8 – Jeep tour.

9 – Resort day.

 We've all arrived safely in the Azores. These islands are quieter and more rural than the mainland. Their beauty is breathtaking.

Being here, surrounded by friends, has been a welcome time for catching up. It’s also made me realize what a minor miracle it was to get us all here. For some of my friends, travel is an ordeal—a source of stress that saps their patience and energy. They’d rather be home. For others of us, these new landscapes and experiences are what we live for. This trip isn't just a destination; it's a testament to our friendships, bridging the gap between those who find comfort in the familiar and those who find it on the road.

Azores trivia… Hydrangeas are an invasive species here. They grow everywhere. 

Lisbon and Porto are lovely. Easy to walk. Easy to like.

Both cities are centuries old and well kept.

You turn a corner, and there it is: something centuries old you hadn’t seen before. No sign. No announcement. Just there.

Our trip to Portugal is special. Decades ago, after graduating, my group of friends decided to form an investment club whose purpose was to pay for travel later in our lives.

For years we met to invest a little bit of money, and to catch up with each other.

Then, two years ago, one of us passed away. We decided it was time for our club to actually pay for travel.

After much debate, we settled on the Azores. before we head to the Azores, My husband and I decided to tour the Portuguese mainland— Lisbon and Porto. Other of our friends are taking similar trips… to France, or Amsterdam or London. This Sunday we are all flying into the Azores.

Lisbon… 

 

I have resolved to visit my father more often. I can work remote, though I’ll need to coordinate with my husband. 

Today, my husband and I are flying off to Portugal for a couple of weeks. There, we will meet up with many of my old college friends and see the sights. 

My father, a widower in his 80s, lives alone on his farm. For decades, he and the DVs were friends. But then Mr. DV passed, leaving Mrs. DV a widow as well.

Apparently, my father asked Mrs. DV to move in with him—not as a couple, but as friends for companionship.

Mrs. DV declined the offer. My brother has a few speculations why; he thinks Mrs. DV, being very conservative, found living with a man out of wedlock unacceptable.

My brother has sworn me to secrecy on this. If my father learns that I know, he might not talk as freely with my brother.

I've always respected that my brother has a deeper relationship with my father than I do. My brother can get my dad to open up. My father will still have deep conversations with me, though they tend to be about practical matters like money, legal issues, and business management, since that's my area of expertise.

My main concern is for my father. How lonely is he? Is visiting a few more times a year truly enough?

We are in Seattle's peak of summer. So we are attending festivals and BBQ's as well as hosting visitors. 

I say "BBQ" but my friends from the south would gently correct me. These are cookouts and potlucks. 

Saturday evening we hosted and a dinner for some old college friends, and their kids, of my husband. My husband felt little uncomfortable that the kids are all in their late twenties. The passage of time is creeping up on us.

Sunday we hosted a large BBQ for our social circle. I would guess around forty people showed up. The crowd was a combination of friends and people in the program... or friends who are now in the program. 

And we are back in Seattle. 

The flight home had a little drama. One of the passengers wouldn't comply with the safety regulations. She had a long argument with the flight attendants about her luggage and not wanting to check an extra bag even though there was no space. The attendants eventually called the police who escorted her off the jet. 

We just enjoyed a wonderful side trip to Picton, Ontario. I didn't know much about it, but our old friend PB runs a B&B there, and it's a popular weekend spot for Torontonians.

My husband, our friends G and J, and I met up with PB for dinner. As a local expert, he gave us fantastic recommendations for our weekend.

PB mentioned the locals sometimes refer to the Torontonians as Torontidiots. The growing tourism industry has raised prices as well as providing jobs. This mixed blessing doesn’t always land well with the locals.

Friday, we went e-biking. The weather was perfect. A long bike trail connects many nearby small towns. We spent hours cruising the trail, stopping to snack at local bakeries and ice cream shops. Exhausted but content, we enjoyed a great dinner after resting up.

Friday evening— back at our rental house we saw many fireflies around the property. My husband has never seen them before and was enchanted by the little glowing bugs. 

Saturday was more of a road trip. We had a delicious French-style lunch at a small restaurant PB recommended, boasting incredible views. We drove around, visited a lavender farm, and explored Picton's shops. That evening, we all had dinner at the superb Royal Picton restaurant . PB, always seeking to help his B&B guests, quizzed us on our experience, eager for our recommendations.

Beyond the activities, we had many good conversations over the weekend. G, J, my husband and I are all navigating aging parents, a topic we discussed at length. PB offered a great perspective on the "retirement" question. He observed that we high-achievers are often on a "hamster wheel" of work and rewards. While goals and purpose are crucial, he noted they don't need to be corporate-driven. Having been in our situation, he approached retirement like a new job, intentionally finding meaningful ways to fill his time. He still spends his time productively, but he spends it how he chooses— running the B&B in the summer. Travel the rest of the year. 

It's been a pleasant week here in the valley, filled with visits to old friends and a bit of adventure.

On Tuesday, we went white-water rafting with a local guided tour. It was a great time, and I definitely needed the exercise—I slept really well that night!

Wednesday was Canada Day, which meant more visits with relatives and catching the local fireworks display.

During one visit, an uncle directly asked me when I was retiring. His philosophy is that if you're frugal, it doesn't take much money to live well, and that your body will slow down much faster than you anticipate. So, he believes in enjoying life while you can. My father quickly chimed in, "But you have to have something to do."

Have something to do. Don't become that angry old guy who does nothing but watch TV all day and complain that no one listens to him.

  

What's Growing in My Father's Garden?

In my father's garden, you'll find potatoes, red beets, and even stray sunflower seeds from a nearby birdfeeder. Honestly, my dad has eaten a remarkably consistent diet of boiled potatoes, pickled beets, some meat, and other boiled vegetables almost every day of his life.

At 81, he still lives on his farm. While he's slowing down, he continues to manage things well. Nature is beginning to reclaim parts of the fields, and he no longer fights it back. He recently retired from his job as a school bus driver and is even making arrangements for someone else to clear the snow this winter—a task he's done for himself and his neighbors for years. These small but significant changes have led his sons to speculate about the future.

The fate of the farm has been a slow-moving discussion among my brothers, my father, and me for many years. Dad would love for one of us to take over the farm, and it truly is a wonderful place. Realistically, though, we'd need to take a significant pay cut to move back to the valley. As peaceful as the farm is, I have built a life for myself in Seattle. My friends and opportunities are there. 

Personally, I'd be happy if my father sold the farm and moved to a nice retirement home. But he's just not there yet.

My middle brother and I are eating like spoiled toddlers while we are at my father’s. We are both greedily eating dad’s cookies, ice cream and chocolates and then stocking him back up again.

I’m glad neither my brother nor I have a thirst for alcohol.

Ice cream sandwiches though…

The weather is pleasant. There has been plenty of rain of late. The valley is very green. 

Sunday, a guest preacher spoke at church. Afterwards my husband and I introduced ourselves. The preacher became slightly confused or uncomfortable when he discovered we were gay. I’m fine with that. If I can make adults uncomfortable by just being normal, then so be it. 

In the afternoon we attended a large family gathering with many of my relatives. It was great to see everyone. My husband ask if I was more happy in the Ottawa Valley. I had to think about it. Later I responded, not that I was happier here, but that I was more at peace. I get the feeling that our world could blow up, perhaps literally, that the disaster would pass the Valley and we could rebuild here. 

Travel day for us. We are heading up to the Ottawa Valley to spend the week with my family.

Weekend Notes

Saturday – Long walk along the beach at Alki. Dinner with WS and LIH at Evan and Allen’s. Saturday evening the U.S. bombed Iraq neclear sites. I went to bed, refusing to mentally engage in a new war just before bedtime. My husband stayed up to take in the live news stream. 

Sunday – Walk around the Chinese Garden. Run along Alki. Hung out with Evan and Allen in the afternoon. Huff and baby H2 dropped by. Baby H2 is doing well. I think Huff enjoyed hanging out with Adults. 

Reflecting over the weekend... sometimes I become very aware of how different my husband’s tastes are from mine.

On Saturday, as we finished our walk, he turned to me—eyes lit up—and said, “Should we start a walking group? Or a bicycling group?”

I felt a grimace rise and had to calm my face so he wouldn’t see it.

For me, part of the joy of a long walk is not coordinating with others. I don’t want to join or plan a walking group. I want quiet, movement, and no scheduling texts.

Of course, the desire probably passed from him moments later. He was likely just thinking out loud. Meanwhile, I’ve been ruminating on it for two days.

On Sunday, while friends were visiting, my husband pointed to a blank section of wall and said it felt like it needed some art. He and our guests launched into a conversation about what kind of art it should be.

Again, I had to suppress a grimace. There’s enough stuff in my life. I have no desire for a little more art.

And yet—a little more art really would put a smile on his face.

Art is never a straightforward purchase for him. He’d want to know the artist. There would be a story. The piece would come with meaning. All of that would cheer him.

Am I becoming austere? Do I need a little more vision for my life? Do I need to speak up more about what I want?

In my relationships, I tend to keep the peace. My husband has good judgment and great taste. So I’m usually happy to go along with what he wants. But maybe there’s a middle ground—something between going along and speaking up—that’s worth exploring.

My career on the other hand... more thoughts on that in a future post... 

One of my employees wrote a blog post for work that ended up being popular. I'm proud of him. 

I don't often write about work yet it occupies most of my time and energy. 

I'm a Director at a tech company. Right now my job isn't that challenging, but I do it well. I'm given much space to do what I want. My org's top-line metrics (return on investment, employee engagement, customer satisfaction) are very healthy especially relative to the rest of the company. As such, the executive's attentions are elsewhere. 

And the absence of challenge, boredom, is the thing that I worry about. I'm very well compensated, so I'm inclined to stay put. The next big step, the next big challenge, is to become a VP.  And I don't want that job, at least not at this company.

As I get older, the hair above my ears is thinning out. The hair on my ears, nose, and pretty much the rest of my body is thickening. This is a thing for men of a certain age.

I was at my barber on Thursday and asked him to trim my ears. He offered to wax my ears and nose. Impulsively, I agreed.

For the first time in years my ears and nose are smooth. My husband approves. Now I'm contemplating-- do I not trim enough? Should I use the trimmer on my ears and nose more often? Should I just let the barber take care of it? A little of both?

Later, I brought it up with Clem. He told me about Turkish Singeing. Apparently, he and Bates will ask for it when they’re at a barber in that part of the world.

And yes—it stung when my barber ripped the wax off.

I stopped by Huff's place and visited baby H2. Things are going well. H2 slept the entire time I was there. 

And, C2 is moving back to Seattle. He has bought a townhouse on Capitol Hill.

Last night Huff delivered baby H2 into this world. Mother and baby are recovering well. 

My husband was in the delivery room. It was a very emotional experience for him. 

Huff's baby is on the way. My husband has headed off to be with her. Huff asked him to be the one who cuts the cord.

Tommy writes...

Wonderful Photograph..... you must have a "green thumb"

Thank you and perhaps.  I enjoy the technical challenge of raising plants (The farmer in me?) I have little interest in creating a beautiful garden. This can frustrate my husband, though he does a good job on his own.

This year sunflowers caught my eye so I decided to give them a go. 

Sunday morning, we took my mother-in-law to a local park for a picnic. It’s a bit of a production—she needs oxygen and a scooter—but we pulled it off. We ate lunch, watched the ferries, and said hello to the park’s troll.

Sunday evening, we went to a neighborhood BBQ hosted by someone in AA. Over the past year, my husband has connected with other locals in the program and built a solid group of friends here.

About a month ago, I planted sunflowers. They're starting to bloom.

We've now lived in this house for a full year and have settled into its rhythms.

Our old house was tucked into the woods and had industrial-strength HVAC. Set the thermostat, and every room hit that number. Easy.

This house is different. It faces south and west, and the air conditioning is... adequate. As a result, we have to pay more attention—adjusting windows and blinds throughout the day as the sun moves.

I’m back in Seattle today. My husband is still in Chicago until Tuesday. Seattle is just starting its shift from regular gloom to summer glow, so I was greeted with one of those rare and glorious sunny days.

And now, a note for posterity: The Crow.

I haven’t been writing about the crow, but I’ve been living with it.

A little over a month ago, I got the urge to tame a crow. Yes, I know. Odd impulse. I think I’d read something about how intelligent crows are—that they can learn to recognize people, and even bring you shiny things if you feed them.

One afternoon, I spotted a crow sitting near our balcony. I put out half a dozen dog kibbles. After I stepped away, it flew over and gobbled them up. Encouraged, over the next few days, I repeated this routine. Each time I saw a crow (I like to think it was the same one), I’d set out a few kibbles and walk away. 

After about a week, it started to recognize me. If I was walking around the neighborhood, it would follow me home, clearly anticipating its treat.

So far, so good.

Then it started sitting, waiting for me, on the power line above where my husband parks his vehicle.

My husband was unimpressed with the amount of crow shit on his windshield. Then another crow joined in. More noise. More shit. 

I’ve stopped feeding the crow. I now chase it away when I see it near the house. The dream of bonding with urban wildlife has been replaced by a more practical ambition: keeping my husband's SUV clean.

My husband and I are in Chicago for the weekend. He’s here for work. I’m here to wander.

For as long as I’ve known him, my husband has been sober. He’s in the program. So I was surprised when he said that years ago, when he lived in Chicago, he was in the depths of addiction.

This trip, he said, was a way to build new memories in a city that once held some very hard ones.

There was something quiet and powerful about that—about being allowed to rewrite your past by simply being present in the now. Just walking beside someone you love, and watching a place soften.

He’s been reading my blog lately. He likes where it’s going. He said he’s glad I’m talking through some of this, instead of just keeping it all in my head. Then he made a suggestion—something we might try going forward.

He proposed that we divide our future travel plans into thirds:

• One third with friends
• One third with family
• One third involving some kind of volunteer work

I like that. It doesn’t feel preachy or overly ambitious. A little structure to balance our experiences.

After reading my previous, my husband sent me an old man meme. It read:

“Life humbles you. As you grow old, you stop chasing the big things. Alone time, enough sleep, a good diet, long walks, and quality time with loved ones. Simplicity becomes the ultimate goal.”

Then Tommy wrote me.

“The question that you pose is something on most minds of men from my age to yours. Life should be lived... but few really live it to the fullest. I’m not suggesting it’s all about being gay or being in the clique. It’s an adventure of one’s self—to be fulfilled in ways that make a person happy. I was once asked, ‘Tommy, do you have any regrets?’ I can honestly say I don’t. I created my life. I have lived. And as I slowly go into my 70s, I have no regrets.”

Living life to the fullest—that’s the phrase that keeps coming back. I’m pulled in different directions.

On one side, there’s my family. My father is proud of the fact that he lives well on $30,000 a year. He’s traveled. He eats well. He’s surrounded by friends and extended family. He lives a deeply fulfilling life, and he’s not the only one. Most of my relatives spend their free time hunting or fishing. They take part-time jobs now and then—for extra cash or to help a neighbor. I have a cousin whose dream is to open a home for the elderly. She’s already the de facto caregiver for several elders in the family. She is by no means unfulfilled. I admire her enormously.

And then there’s the other direction: my life.

Opportunities came along, and it felt wrong to turn them down. That’s how I ended up in tech, in the Pacific Northwest. Decades ago, I was offered a job in Seattle. I knew I’d regret not taking it. So I said yes. I left home and friends for something very different.

Sunday night, just before lights out, my husband asked what I was thinking about.

“Hedonism,” I replied.

This wasn’t a joke. It’s been on my mind lately—not just the pursuit of pleasure, but how we are unintentionally building a life around it. The conversation that followed tugged on something in him that we’ll need to explore more. But for me, this line of thought has been simmering for a while.

Saturday night, we hosted a dinner party. It was lovely: good food, good wine, relaxed conversation. A few of our guests are newly retired. They talked about skiing trips and springtime in Greece and Portugal. It was the kind of evening that affirms everything about the life we’ve built.

The next day, we went to a large gay bear pool party. Our hosts have many friends—big, hairy, muscle bears who all show up in full force. We talked about parties, travel, OnlyFans, adventures, and occasionally, drugs. Everyone seemed well-fed, well-groomed, and fully booked.

My husband and I are affluent. Many of our friends are too. As we plan our retirement, our calendars are already filling with travel, new experiences, and what we broadly call “fun.” We even have a shared planning document—travel tabs, household upgrades, health strategy. There’s even a line item labeled: “Something meaningful or spiritual.”

That one’s never fleshed out.

We both love travel. We love food. We love our life. But I know that is not enough.

When I say I’ve been thinking about hedonism, I don’t mean it as a moral panic or an accusation. It’s a word I’m using to name the quiet gravitational pull of our life—a life that’s full of comfort, beauty, and experience. I see around me a more overt sprint toward indulgence—more parties, more stimulation, more next things. Our version is slower, but it’s still tilted toward pleasure, and I’m starting to wonder what gets left out.

There’s a space in the plan we keep skipping. Not because we don’t care, but because we don’t know how to fill it.

I can already hear my friend C2 saying, “No one feels sorry for you. If being of service is important, then what’s stopping you? If it’s not, then stop whining.”

It’s good advice. It’s also exactly the point. What is stopping me?

Maybe it’s guilt. Maybe it’s inertia. Or maybe pleasure is simply easier to schedule than purpose. Booking flights is straightforward. Volunteering or spiritual inquiry takes something fuzzier—an internal commitment, a willingness to show up for something that doesn’t reward you with points or likes or validation.

I don’t have a grand conclusion. But I know I don’t want to be a cheerful person who left that part blank.

So this is where I’ll start: by naming the blank space. By asking the question out loud. And by staying with it, even if the answer takes a while.

Tuesday evening we had my birthday dinner with Yo and the Angel. It was great to catch up with them. We are each involved with the lives of our aging parents and I appreciated hearing how they are handing it.

Yo runs a small business that imports much of its inventory from China. Now with tariffs, his Chinese supplier first ships the supplies to an intermediate country before sending them on to Seattle. So he avoids the tariffs though he must pay a little more in shipping. This whole stunt made us laugh and reminded me of how bad the current administration is at executing on their promises. If the small guys can figure this out, then what are the majors doing?

We have a new roommate. At the old house, we would rent out the ADU to traveling nurses. One of our past renters reached out to us and asked if we had a place to stay for a couple of months. He has a contract in Seattle and needed a place to stay. We said yes, just to try it out.

Our neighbors have repainted their garden dinosaurs. This captures the kitschy vibe of our neighborhood.

 

It's my birthday on Tuesday and this week I am having an extended birthday celebration. 

C2 flew into town and stayed with us for the weekend. He is thinking about moving back to Seattle. Part of his trip was to scout out places to stay. He's thinking of buying a condo on Cap Hill.

Saturday evening we went to a retro 80's concert with W&P. We saw Modern English, Soft Cell and Simple Minds. It was a fantastic concert. The performers were at the top of their games. That doesn't always happen at nostalgia concerts. 

Sunday we held a potluck BBQ for my birthday. Maybe 20 people showed. I am very grateful to my husband for pulling this off. It was great to catch up with everyone. 

Bohemian commented...  

 *LOL* I think too many C-Sections are done, Babies usually arrive when they're good and ready to and unless there is health risk to the Mother 

We had a great lunch conversation on just this topic. Huff's perspective is that she is older, this is her first baby, and her family has a history of complicated child births. While she was carefully explaining her position my brother-in-law blurted out "Get it! Save the vag!"

Social weekend for me. Saturday I had extra time for myself since, my husband was up in Alaska for work 

Saturday morning I had breakfast with Clem. It’s always good to catch up with him. Clem and his husband travel very often on a small budget so I’m always trying to learn theIr lessons. Some of it is that they have established friendships in Greece and Spain going back decades. A bed at a friends is always available. 

Sunday, we had a Mother’s Day brunch for Huff and my mother-in-law. Is was full production, brunch— food for 10 people. 

Huff’s pregnancy is coming along well. If the baby doesn’t arrive on time, then a C-section is scheduled for June 12. 

My mother-in-law is slowing down. I don’t often see her exerting herself at her apartment so it’s hard to judge progress. At our house, she struggled to go up the two stairs in our yard. This is new. She is 87, has COPD and CHF. Mentally she’s all with it. I wish her the best. 

The couple kitty corner from us has separated. We haven’t seen them in a while, so we texted to catch up. They responded with the news. It happened a couple months ago and they have been laying low. Life goes on. 

A pleasant weekend.

We planted the concrete planters that run along the side of our house. These planters are out of sight, so we were more experimental with the plants. If we don't like that garden a year from now then we'll just rip it out.

In the large planter, we planted hostas, hydrangeas, rosemary. We started a mint garden in a smaller. I've heard that mint tends to take over. The smaller planter box out of the way and has mixed light. Perfect for a plant that takes over. 

Indoors, I've started 20 sunflowers. They are currently about two feet high. I'll transplant them outside soon. Over night it's still too cool for sunflowers. Perhaps it will be warm enough by next weekend. 

Saturday evening we have TJ & GW over for dinner. They just spent a month a place in Florida called The Villages-- a very large 55 plus community. They loved it and are thinking about buying a house in there. The prices are about a third of Seattle prices. 

It was good to hear from TJ&GW on this. I'm not interested in moving to FL, even if for a nice 55 plus community. Perhaps we could spend a month there every now and then, but that's about it. 

Apparently the Villages have a Loofa code for its swingers. Not my cup of tea, but interesting.

Sunday morning we had coffee with R & P. We haven't seen them in years. R sometimes goes into a dark funk where she doesn't want to see people for months, years even. We had written off their friendship, but then out of the blue, she reached out suggested we get together. 

Afterwards coffee we did more planting around my mother-in-laws place, had a nice lunch and then chilled for the afternoon. I went on a good bike ride along the shore. My husband napped.

The husband is working in Las Vegas at medical a conference, and I joined him for the weekend.

I generally don’t gamble, so I spent Saturday wandering around, seeing the sights. I also caught a couple of shows. As always, Vegas is commerce unbridled and a feast for the eyes. 

It’s been a pleasant weekend.

Saturday we held a baby shower for our friend Huff. Huff is about two months away from giving birth.

We had about 50 guests. It was an interesting mix of characters, Huff is a real estate agent and in the program. The guests were largely either real estate agents, or in the program, or both. 

Real estate agents are great guests at parties. Sure they want to network, but when they leave they are fastidious about cleaning up. More of us could live by that mantra… “leave it better than you found it.”

My mother-in-law has Covid. It’s dragging on and she is bored. Fortunately, it’s not severe. She is resting up and frequently calling her friends and family . Later today, my husband will double mask and head over to leave a care package.

My husband has heard back from his pulmonologist. His lungs look good. He is fine. 

My mother-in-law has Covid. It's a mild case. She has a fever, a sore throat and has quarantined in her apartment. Apparently, there is a small outbreak of Covid at her retirement home. 

We have had a wonderful weekend in Seaside. I have been here many years in April where we’ve had nothing but rain and cloud.  This year there was much sunshine

At the convention, I attended Al-Anon talks. In previous years, I had only attended AA talks because my friends are members.

I found the Al-Anon talks more insightful and, as a result, enjoyed the convention more. While I have many friends in AA, I don’t share their struggle with alcohol. I can easily choose not to drink or limit myself to one, making it difficult for me to fully understand the challenges faced by those who can't stop. To me, it seems simple: just don't.

The "A-List bear." They are popular. QJ has thousands of Instagram followers. We had a conversation about unhealthy and healthy social media posts. In his view, an unhealthy post is a staged, shirtless photoshoot by the pool. A healthy post, on the other hand, is a spontaneous shirtless selfie taken while genuinely enjoying a moment by the pool, simply wanting to capture a memory.

Overall, QJ is a great friend. I enjoy his stories and respect his perspective on life. We often take many selfies together until he finds and posts just the right one.

We're in Seaside, Oregon for an AA convention—Sober in Seaside. Our friends, C6 and QJ, have joined us on the trip, as they do nearly every year.

Seaside is a quaint little coastal town. We're lucky with the weather this year—plenty of sunshine. Pacific Northwest beaches are usually blanketed in clouds and rain, so it's a treat to stroll along the shore and take in the views.

Our dog is off her pain meds and healthy again. She loves running along the beach. We still have to keep an eye on her, though—she has a habit of eating anything smelly she can find.

C6 and QJ are an interesting couple—definitely A-list bears. I have only ever seen them dress in jeans, a t-shirt, running shoes, and a baseball cap. The intriguing part? Their t-shirts, caps, and shoes always match. The t-shirts are perfectly ironed. It’s casual, but with a touch of precision. I, on the other hand, tend to be a slob. Well... I always wear clean cloths, but I haven't ironed in years. As for matching colors-- I'm lucky if I choose color combinations that don't clash.  My husband appreciates it when a spruce up my look a bit. I rarely have the energy for that. 

Our dog is recovering well. I'm administering her pain medication orally, but she resists swallowing the pills. She's quite skilled at concealing them; I've found a number of pills matted in her fur around her mouth and hidden around her bed.

My husband has an issue with his lungs. We're unsure of the cause, and he'll be seeing a pulmonologist as soon as possible. A few weeks ago, he had a persistent cough. He was diagnosed with a mild case of pneumonia and treated with medication. He felt much better afterward.

At today's follow-up appointment, the chest X-ray showed the pneumonia has cleared, but there's still an area of concern that requires further investigation.

Life goes on.

A while back our dog cracked her hind teeth while chewing on a bone. Since then these teeth have become prone to infection and will sometimes bleed.

Yesterday she went to the vet to have these teeth out. 

The procedure went well. Now she is on painkillers. For the first time in her life she is feeling dopey and uncoordinated. She does not like that. She stares at us with her tail between her legs, she doesn't want to walk and has little interest in her food. 

Get well soon little doggie.

I think the office politics are quieting down. I have to keep an eye on them. My business partner is angry and hurting from something. I'm not sure what's going on there. 

Spring has sprung in Seattle. Everything is blooming. We should have our first day or two of 70° weather in the next week. 

My husband and I had a good weekend. We had our accountant over for dinner one night, and friends over the next. Now we have many leftovers in the fridge. 

Our accountant knows which of her business are doing well and which are not. She uses this insider knowledge when she is looking for a contractor. I'm going to go to her for recommendations the next time we someone to work on our house.

There are some office politics at my day job. For reasons I don't entirely know, one of my peers has started lashing out at one of my teams to upper management. Word has got out. This makes it difficult for my team to engage as they they thought they had a positive relationship. They have been backing off as a consequence. 

I'm spending much time listening to people and creating a new and healthy plan. I have to convince my team that we will succeed even without the partner being happy. 

We are having a rainy week. Instead of longer dog walks, I've been inside catching up on errands and little house maintenance tasks. 

I taught myself how to crack a safe. Specifically our safe. Our safe has both a key and a combination. Yews argo we forget the combination. So I taught myself how to recover it. Perhaps I shouldn't be surprised, but YouTube has many videos on how to do this. 

It took a few hours and much patience, but the task isn't impossible.

I'm back in Seattle. The flight back was uneventful.

Sunday morning, my father, brother and I went to church before my brother drove me to the airport. As I was leaving, my father was teary eyed. 

 

My father's breakfast is always oatmeal, a banana and a vitamin pill. Lunch consists of a ham sandwich (no mustard or mayo) and a honey sandwich. Whole wheat bread.

Sometimes he doesn't even make the sandwich. He eats a slice of ham, then eats a slice of bread. 

For his main meal, he might have a chicken breast with boiled potatoes and maybe canned vegetables. Dessert is either a pudding cup or a slice of pie.

He eats out regularly. which adds some variety to his die. Though a hamburger and fries aren’t a major improvement.

How do you talk about healthy eating to a man in his 80s who is otherwise fine and takes care of himself? Maybe you don’t. I hope I I have his vigor when I'm his age.

I sometimes look to my uncles and aunts to try and see what the future holds for my health. My grandparents were all prolific. I have about twenty uncles and aunts to learn from.

So what is the impact of my genetic and familial predispositions? The smokers all died younger. After that it's murky. Some have died in their 70s. Some in the 80s. Others are still going strong in their 90s. Some have died from cancer. Some of heart attacks or strokes. A couple of dementia-- dementia concerns me the most. 

Looking over it all, there are no real strong correlations amongst my relatives deaths. I will die sometime in the future. Maybe of cancer, or maybe a stroke. 

Today, my father, a cousin, and I went to a farm show. It was fascinating. The technology and scale of farming equipment have grown tremendously since the 1980s when I grew up on my dad’s farm.

The 100-acre family farm is a thing of the past. The 1,000-acre business farm is the way of the future.

Massive, highly automated tractors can be yours for $500K—though you’ll need a few of them to tend your 1,000 acres, along with an understanding bank. The money required to run these farms is just as massive.

One of my high school friends is grappling with the future of his large farm. Business is good, but he’s also facing recurring cancer. Surviving cancer once is a victory; surviving five times changes your life plans. So, what does he do with his farm? His children are too young to take it over. What does his wife want? These are tough questions.

As I catch up with old friends, I realize that everyone has a parent or family member facing similar challenges. The real trick is learning to thrive and find happiness when these problems inevitably come your way.

If you’ve figured that out, please let me know how.

My Canadian friends have asked me many questions about Trump. The locals are curious. In response I've expanded on Tommy's idea. Remember "Twin Peaks" or "Lost?" Those crazy TV shows with so many twists that their plots only became more chaotic and confused over time. How do I feel about Trump? I feel like I'm watching Twin Peaks-- get some popcorn, watch the chaos unfold, then turn it off and try to get on with my life.

I told this to a cousin. She shot back.... "Hopefully it will be like Dallas and we'll wake up to discover last year was only a dream."

U.S. politics are not intimidating the locals. They are concerned. No one is expecting this to be easy. They are showing pride in Canada in a way I have not seen years. They are preparing to defend themselves-- elbows up! From what? Who knows. U.S. politics are so crazy that it's foolish to predict. Instead they are strengthening themselves and their ties with others. They are making plans to deal with the worst. They are pulling together. After all, peace, order and good governance are the Canadian way. 

I’m visiting my father and extended family for a week in the Ottawa valley. It’s snowy and sunny here. Pleasant for a March. 

 A have a cold. I've be laying low. Since I work from home, it will be a regular workday. 

Today is gorgeous. It's sunny and pleasantly warm. I'm working outside, sitting in the sun.

C2 has been in the dumps of late. I listen to him patiently. He bristles quickly if I offer any advice. He's been unemployed for the past few months and he's just moping about it. He wants to work, but he hasn't applied for jobs. Having said that, his niche is contract work for the Military-- a sector that's been hit hard by the new administration. 

Much rain over the past few days. Over the weekend, our dog was sick and threw up several times. She hasn't done so today, though she is sleeping more than usual. 

 

My husband and I had a lovely Valentines dinner. For that, I did some prep work to have a long conversation with him. Usually I'm quiet at our dinners. We'll talk about work and the day, but nothing deep. For Valentines, I found "36 questions that lead to love." We had a good time walking through the questions.

My husband is visiting his mother when he can. She has several long-term and terminal conditions that don't get better as you age. Over the past few months they have become acute. She has been in and out of the hospital several times, fighting to find a cure. Only recently has she started to consider that the doctors are doing all they can and there is no lasting solution for her situation. 

My mother-in-law has started to think through how her sons will execute on her will. Her finances, unfortunately, are not simple. So she is ensuring that both her sons will have access to her accounts, bankers and lawyers. This involves paperwork and driving around to different banks and law firms. 

My husband is the kind of person who gets in there and gets things done even if it means dealing with paperwork and bureaucracy. My brother-in-law shy's away from these tasks. Perhaps his job doesn't give him as much flexibility. Unfortunately, it has left my brother-in-law in a situation where he feels like my husband is taking over, and will have complete control of their mother's money. It's caused some tension between them. I can't feel sorry for brother-in-law. 90% of success is showing up and he is not.

We are having a cold snap here in Seattle. On the plus side the days have been sunny. 

At work, some of my team have flown into town. One young, green employee didn't bring his credit card. He only uses Apple Pay and tap. As a result the hotel refused to give him a room. We had to scramble to fix that up.

This has turned into a dark time of the year. One year ago, my mother died on Feb 7. I just received the news that my sister-in-law's father died early in the morning on February 8.

My husband's niece and sister-in-law are in town for the weekend. They are paying my husband's mother a visit, and catching up with family.

My husband's brother passed away years ago from alcoholism. I think this was the first time my husband and his sister-in-law discussed the grief she felt at the time of his passing. Addiction raises all sorts of complicated feelings. This weekend brought them both some closure. 

And we are back in Seattle.

Friday, our last day, was wonderful. There was a layer of fresh snow that makes snowboarding more enjoyable.

Late Friday afternoon, we did Whistler's apres-ski scene. I'm was taken aback by how post-COVID it is. We went to a bar with a fantastic band. The bar was packed, cheek to jowl with people dancing on their chairs at the tables and singing along to the music.  

For me it was a wonderful experience seeing hundreds of people have a great time. My husband was anxious and he dropped a few hints as such. We left after about 15 minutes, walked around the village, passed many other packed clubs, and then met up with our friends for dinner. 

It’s my husband’s birthday this week so we are up in Whistler for the celebration. The weather is gorgeous. 

We have also invited a couple friends along. These friends, like my husband, are all in medical sales. Work conversations frequently pop up. 

Interesting trivia… The sales reps know which nurses are racist and which are more inclusive. They tweak their salesforce and their sales pitch to build relationships with the nurses regardless of their thoughts on race.

While I mostly work from home, I'll drive into the office one day a week. 

Over the holidays my day-job moved our physical office. The old office was vast and underutilized. We moved to an office that was more appropriately sized.  

The new office is nice but still a work in progress. There are some construction issues such a blocked sink drain and coffee machines that are not working All stuff that can be fixed. Overall the space is pleasant. Smaller, but not too constrained.

I chatted with an employee whose whole career started after the Covid lockdown. As such she was accustomed to either working from home or working in our old, large, office space. She found it a bit weird, but not uncomfortable, to be working physically right next to someone else. 

Afterwards, we went out for drinks. It was good to catch up with my co-workers in a more relaxed setting. My VP attended. He commented "I really enjoyed this. We should do it every month." I had to bite my tongue. We do go out for drinks every month. He is always invited. He rarely attends. 

I carpooled home with a coworker. As much as we enjoyed the evening get together, we do not miss working from an office. We do not miss the commute. We both have at about two more hours per day when  working from home. 

Over January is busy for my husband and he is traveling a lot. Business is busy for him.

It's given me a good chunk of time alone. I've been reading more, working on a jigsaw puzzle and catching up with a few old friends. 

Saturday one of those friends, Clem, and I went on a good hike. Clem is almost 70. We share some of his challenges. 

Clem has always been extremely social and more active in the gay party scene. He frequents bars  and attends all night dances. We discussed how staying engaged and having a normal life is difficult for retired gay men. With so much more free time on their hands, retired gay men can fall into the trap of sex and drugs. He busies him self by volunteering, traveling and working part time jobs. He delivered packages for UPS over the holidays. He will deliver flowers over Valentines. 

Tommy wrote: "I believe that for my generation, if people were actually truthful with themselves and the rest of the world, retirement isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. The real achievement in life is the 'achievement of business.'"

I agree with this, and I’m trying to figure out how it applies to me. The phrase "achievement of business" really stands out. It’s easy to think of it as financial success, but I see it as more than that. For example, your work in public service is also a kind of achievement in business, just a different kind.

I’m not sure what my calling is growing into. For years, my career has been about helping big companies get a little more efficient. It’s been rewarding financially, but I’m finding it hard to feel excited about doing this for the next few decades. At the same time, the idea of making a big change feels scary. Still, I’m starting to see that the cost of not trying might be even greater.

Figuring out what my "achievement of business" means to me seems less about sticking to the usual path and more about finding a new idea of success—one that I can really look forward to.

We are in the airport waiting for our flight back to Seattle.

This past week has been wonderful. The New Years week has felt like hanging out with old friends, catching up, playing games, reconnecting. 

Owing to when we met in University, these friends were all born in 1970 and started our careers in Toronto in 1995. There are many similarities in the overall narratives. 

It feels like our lives are transitioning. For my friends who have kids, the last of their children are off to college or finding full time jobs. Our parents are aging. Some have passed away. Some need full time care. And some are making the best with the few years they have left.

Without saying the word “retirement” a few of us are thinking through our post-career life. We are considering jobs that have less stress, but still keep us active. 

We are in Toronto to visit friends and celebrate the new year. It’s going well here. We are renting our own place. It’s nice. Comfortable bed. So we have been sleeping well each night.

My mother in law is back in the hospital again— breathing issues and heart palpitations. My husband is worried and considering flying back early. 

 

Christmas in the Ottawa Valley has been lovely. Have been catching up with friends and family. 

Dad is doing well, even if this is the first Christmas since mom passed.

We have been eating too much pie, ice cream, chocolate, tarts, candies… the list goes on. Tis the season. Diets can wait till January. 

 Am on vacation for the next two weeks. Friday evening we drove my mother-in-law and a friend of hers around to see holiday lights. There are a few neighborhoods that put on a great show. 

The memory foam mattress and pillows arrived at my father's. He has never seen a memory foam mattress before, so he was caught off guard by how much it expanded after he took it out of the package.

He video called me, told me about the mattress. He then took the memory foam pillows out of their packaging so we could watch them expand together. 

Crazy busy at work. Between our day-to-day business, annual planning and career reviews, we've been so busy that we can't think.

For the holidays, my husband and I are flying up to the Ottawa Valley to visit my family. For the first time my husband and I will stay at my fathers. We usually stay in a hotel. 

For our stay, we shipped a new mattress, pillows and sheets to my father's. The cheap/frugal part of him was taken a bit aback. I think he understands though-- he admitted that he got the old mattress decades ago for free.

There are divided values between my husband and I and my family in the Valley. Many of my family are frugal to the point of being cheap. They are proud of that and they are happy! Spending money can be an insult to their values and so my husband and I have to be careful.  Taking family to a nice restaurant or buying someone a nice new jacket when their existing, 20 year old jacket still works-- these will earn you thanks and quiet lecture on the value of being frugal. 

And so, instead of a hotel we will stay at my fathers place.

 

Last night we attended an annual holiday party, hosted by a friend in the program. This party has a white-elephant gift giveaway. Some of the gifts, including the above disco gnome, have been regifted at this party, many times over the years. 

Tommy’s advice is useful. Grab some popcorn. Sit back and enjoy the show. It’s useful for politics. It’s useful for assassinated CEOs. My husband works on the  profitable side of the healthcare industry, As such Thompson’s murder has taken up an outsized share of his work, Linkedin and Facebook gossip.

We had dinner with our neighbors last night. It was good to catch up with them. It’s the start of the holiday season, so our schedule is stuffed with dinners and parties. 

I try to catch a few minutes of quiet when I can. I do my best thinking then. 

My husband enjoys creating elaborate table settings. He is the one in our relationship who has the snap and sparkle. He is great at marketing and sales. 

Overall our dinner went well. Later in the day, my mother-in-law made some comments about republicans (She is pro Trump) that didn't land well.  A few of our guests left shortly after that. Did they leave because it was late in the day? Did they leave because the discussion turned to politics? Who knows.

Friday evening we saw Wicked-- the movie. Sunday we saw Wicked the live musical. I enjoyed both, but I didn't need to see Wicked twice in one weekend. 

 

We are hosting a Thanksgiving dinner for family and a few friends. The guests will be here in a couple of hours. The cooking is midway. Everything is prepped or roasting in the oven.

Happy Thanksgiving all. 

Saturday our guests cleaned out their refrigerator and cleaned up their kitchen. They had to throw out everything as their power had been out since Tuesday. 

Their power returned on Sunday 

We also had a brunch for some of our AA friends on Saturday. It was very long running with our guests not leaving till mid afternoon.

We have had a bomb cyclone here in Seattle. Big windy, rain storm. We are ok and missed the worst of it. 

According to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, a "Bomb cyclone" is a term used to describe a mid-latitude cyclone that has undergone bombogenesis, which occurs when it rapidly strengthens in a 24 hour period. 

Hundreds of thousands of people are without power, especially in the suburbs. We have a couple friends staying with us as they have not had power since Wednesday and probably won’t get it back untill the weekend. 

We are back home from NYC. I am tired, but we had a good time. 

My husband and I have different approaches to vacations. It bugs him that I can be happy exploring a new city. I said "Exploring a city is a great treat. Without a map, without an app." He caught my wittiness and shook his finger at me. 

My husband is a planner. He is very good at it and I appreciate that. And sometimes I like to have my calendar cleared, and only a single question on my mind... "What's over there?"

 We are in NYC for a few days. Doing all the tourist things.

My mother-in-law is out of the hospital. The hospital also does not know what's wrong with her. This week she will have more tests with her regular cardiologist. 

During the hospital stay, my mother-in-law's dog stayed with my brother-in-law. Apparently the dog is not properly potty trained. 

Should another crisis happen, neither of her sons want the dog. Her sons have also come to the realization that another crisis is inevitable-- their mother is 87 and in declining health. They need a plan for when it happens. 

My mother in law is in the hospital. She is recovering well and is in good spirits. Most of the complications have to do with her dog and arranging dog care.

The Republican victory is complete. They will win the House, the Senate, and the presidency with a popular vote. There are no meaningful allegations about election fraud or the electoral college problems or gerrymandering or fake news. There is no way to twist the situation such that if one or two details were different, then the Democrats would’ve won.

The election results have hurt my husband. he is finding projects to pass the time. 

Mentally, I have set aside my old concerns and my old way of thinking. Grief and frustration with the results are pointless. I must find a new way forward.

As Tommy said... the people have spoken.

I will use this as an opportunity to get off Facebook and other social media. It's insidious how they invade your consciousness. Even after deleting Facebook, I catch myself pulling out the cell phone and thumbing over to where the app once was. 

This blog doesn't count. It's slower. Contemplative. One must put effort into speaking and listening. 

This election is different. My acquaintances are donating more and volunteering more than past elections.  Right now, my husband is participating in call bank to encourage people to get out and vote.

The Halloween decorations are away. The Christmas (Yes Christmas) decorations are out. My husband's argument for this is that we will be traveling over end-of-year holidays, so he wants a few extra weeks beforehand to enjoy them.

Over the weekend I was discussing the situation with SJ, an old friend. She observed that my husband always has to have a project-- always has to have a plan and something to do. SJ and I, on the other hand, love having an empty schedule with no commitments, no plans. So my husband and I can balance each other out, we are a good ying and yang for each other. Yet we will drive each other nuts. 

Sunday night we had dinner with an old friend. In the past, he was my boss when I worked at the big-tech company. We both left that company at about the same time. He started his own business. I got a job at a smaller tech company. 

It's been five years since those transitions.  What an amazing about of time. We are both veterans in our current jobs. Yet it feels like yesterday that we worked together. 

By and large things are going well for him. His business is growing. His children are off to post-high school education, are close to landing full time jobs. His wife has a bad knee, but will undergo surgery to replace it. 

Today it's windy and raining hard in Seattle. Perfectly normal November weather. Our new house takes the weather different than the old. The old house had a fantastic HVAC system with vents in every room. During inclement weather, you closed the windows, set the temperature, and that was that. The new house isn't vented. Every floor has separate mini-split heating and cooling. Rooms will get a little stuffy. You must open the window a crack and hope that the driving rain won't come in. 

Halloween. We only had one child stop by-- a neighbors. We blame the rain and the fact that we live on a quiet street. The streets a few blocks away were very busy.