When we turn our back, the dog has it's own separate life. When we look at her, when we are engaged with her, then she is very attentive. It's different when we turn around.

When we go to bed, she'll be curled up in her bed. When we wake up, she'll be curled up in her bed, but things will have changed. She'll have routed through the garbage. The cat food bowl will be scrupulously licked clean.

I wonder what she does when we leave her alone all day.

As I grow older, I'm still trying to understand my foibles. I'm mostly introverted, except…

I love having dinners with friends. I love cooking for friends. If I'm alone, I'll reheat leftovers. Friends—steak with a sauce that I've spent hour preparing. Home baked bread. The list goes on.

I love sleeping with Steven.

I like spending a few hours alone in the morning.

I enjoy hiking and running alone.

I like to spend evenings with Steven, and with Friends.

Sometimes I think I want to go on a long backpacking trip all by myself. Maybe I'll do that, just to see when I miss people the most.

 

 

 

 

Work. Home. Busyness.

Steven is away for a few days for work. That gives me some down time and it makes me the only one responsible for the dog. She is getting over diareaha, so there is that to keep in mind.

Work is challenging right now. The service my team provides is growing like crazy. Not all of my team members are up to that challenge. They are good people, but the demands have changed and they need to changte with it.

Sometimes I wonder if I am the right leader for them. Work is stressful. I try to tackle it with energy and enthusiasm, but sometimes people think I am too optomistic. 

Still, I will push on.

The weather has been gorgeous this weekend. If this continues, this summer will be a hot one.

Mothers day today. I called mom. She didn't want to talk much. I couldn't tell if something was on her mind, or if this was a further symptom of her memory failure— it's difficult to talk about the week if you don't remember the week. 

I still enjoy talking to her. 

We fly up in July to visit her. 

Happy Mother's Day. 

A townhouse across the street is up for sale for $950,000.00. This has got us talking about our long term plans. 

We had a good talk about our townhouse. The townhouse is nice in many ways, but great in none. The neighborhood is nice. The mortgage is affordable. The space is nice, though cramped in places. Close to shopping. Close to parks. A reasonable commute to work. A nice coffee shop is next door.

We'd like a back yard. A place to hang out. A place to put the dog so we don't have to walk her so often. We'd like a little more space to throw larger dinner parties. Those are tall orders around here. We are looking at $300,000 more than this townhouse to buy such a place.

$300,000 more is a lot. We could retire a few years early with that. We could buy a vacation property.

So we are going to live with the townhouse. Maybe do it up a little. Better closets. Better furniture. Did I mention that the townhouse is very nice?

Two weeks ago in Toronto there was a van attack. A man drove a van into a crowd and killed 10 people.

My friends G&J live 3 blocks away from it. Their son was across the street from the attack. He was at a fast food restaurant. His back was to the window. He didn't see the van attack. He did see the aftermath.

He called G&J to tell them of the attack. G asked him to leave immediately. He did so.

The place was very locked down for over a week. One interesting twist-- the police brought many therapy dogs there. Those going to see the scene of the attack were greeted by cute friendly dogs.

Steven's mother is doing OK. She had walking pneumonia and a high blood pressure spike. She is out of the hospital now.

I threw out my back. I was doing a new exercise, burpees, that are a wonderful full body exercise. Except they are also hard on the back.

At work things have gotten weird. Some background. I'm a manager. A peer of mine, M, is also a manager. Our boss's boss, F is new. F directly gave M a new responsibility, skipping over our boss and delegating direct to M. This new responsibility is tough and feels punitive.

M melted down. He left work for two days. He came back briefly on Friday to talk to his mentor. He left his mentor crying and went home again. Our boss also had to leave work. His blood pressure was high and he had a migraine.

Today M is back. M and our boss have been in and out of meetings all day.

I get it that F's ask is tough, but M's reaction did not help. F's authoritarian leadership isn't helping either.

I can only mind my own business and hope that it all works out.

Steven spent the weekend in Sacramento with his mother. She had a blood pressure spike and was hospitalized. She's OK and is out of the hospital now.

Steven spent much of the weekend working on his parents homes.(They are divorced). While they live independently, they are becoming feeble. The house maintenance isn't what it used to be.

I had a quiet Saturday. I caught up on many chores I haven't done in a while.

Sunday I exercised for the first time in a long time. I threw my back out. Advil and ice packs are helping. 

We are back from Seaside OR and the AA convention.

I really enjoy parts of the AA convention. Other parts just weren't for me. My AA friends there understood that too. There is a gap between us. They've done hard drugs. They struggle to stay sober. Sobriety just comes naturally to me.

I can see them battle. I can appreciate the effort they put into it. I can see them work hard for any trick that will make their day easier, that will mend their past wrongs, that will let them take one step forward.

When I listen to the speakers, their are always funny stories. I enjoy that very much. There is also the constant reminder that we must push ourselves every day to improve.

One thing that AA does well, is to make self-improvement a social thing. Through sponsors and sponsees. Through meetings. It's all free. You just have to do the work. We don't have a real model for that in my world, the secular world.

I attend Al Anon meetings-- meetings for friend and family of addicts. But I don't really have Al Anon problems. My husband is a great man. He has his shit together.

But, I do take a few lessons from Al Anon and AA. Then I will have one cocktail. Just one. Two will give me a headache and make me feel pasty. I will enjoy my one cocktail and have a good night's sleep knowing that my demons are elsewhere.

As C6 said, "If I could drink like you, I would drink like that all day."

BL's death is getting complicated. He has a lawyer written and registered will in Washington State. And, allegedly, a newer will, messily written on a cocktail napkin, in Florida.

Sides are being taken. Demands are being made.

SB, who is the executor of the Washington will, is in Florida trying to close down BL's estate. Part of me thinks he would be happy if the cocktail-napkin-will appeared and was legitimate. That would let him walk away from this mess.

Either way, SB is keeping a few people informed and copied on what's happening just in case things go wrong. The "Cocktail Napkin Crowd" are in interesting set of characters.

We are in Seaside OR for the weekend with QJ and C6. We enjoy traveling with them. We are down here for an AA convention though we are spending most of the time doing our own thing. 

C6 has troubling news. His transplanted heart is having troubles. We talked about it for a bit. He doesn't want to go through the surgeries again. He has decided that if his heart fails, then that is that. He is at peace with that choice. 

With BL's death, and now C6's news, Steven and I have been talking about how we want to die. No decisions yet. Just the start of a long conversation. 

BL died last night. Heart Attack.

I didn't know BL well, He was a friend of Steven's. They met through the AA crowd. We've had dinner together many times. He also did yard work on my house. He was a talented gardener.

BL led a very colorful life. He did porn in the 80's and used that as a pickup line ever since. He would have a hot new boyfriend a little more often than I could keep track of.

Steven cried a little when he heard about BL. He and a few of BL's other friends are at a meeting tonight, sharing their experience, strength and hopes together. 

Back to work this week. The cloud & gloom of Seattle have affected me the most. These are just first world problems.

Steven is contemplating his next move at work. The area that he's working on is shrinking. He, his coworkers, and his manager see that. It's just a matter of time before there is a re-org.

 

Good bye Trocones!

Trocones is wonderful. Quiet, but wonderful. We've rented a room with a bathroom and kitchen in a Villa on the Ocean. As luck would have it, we are the only people here for the week.

There is a budding tourist industry here, but nothing like PV or Cancun. Mostly there are bars and restaurants with different specialities.

"Try Puerto Relxio for happy hour."

"Albertos offers large tacos for lunch."

"Robertos has great steaks and takes credit card."

We've been talking to a few of the ex-pats, learning how they came here, what people do here, about the local crime.

There is some local crime. Mostly if you stay out of trouble, then it won't find you. If you behave yourself, then the locals will help since they like the money the ex-pats spendhere. Though, our neighbors did have thier car stolen. The police recovered the car. It took extra effort to get the car back from the police.

Steven and I are talking through how we want to spend our retirement years. Buying a place in Mexico is one possibility, though Steven has the travel bug and owning a place ties you down. 

Still, the ocean breezes here are wonderful. The locals call it "La Breeza."

We are in Trocones Mexico for a week of R&R. You've probably never heard of Trocones, nor sould you have. Trocones is a small village out side of Xtapa. The streets have no name, literally. Buildings, but not streets, have names. The local map has the name of each building. It also includes a listing of each residents name, phone number and email address.

We got very lucky during the trip down. Three things went wrong, each of which could have derailed our travel.

First, the alarms didn't go off. A funny thing happens when you set your cell phone alarm for 2:30am on the day time moves forward. Fortunatly the Lyft texted us when the driver arrived and the text wolk me up. We scrambled and made it to the airport on time.

We were delayed on the runway for about an hour due to mechanical difficulties.

We had a layover in LAX. Steven forgot a bag of his on the jet from Seattle. He had to go though security again to claim the bag. Fortunatly he made it back in time. We were the 2nd last people on the jet.

And now we are in Trocones. The villa here is beautiful. The ocean waves roar non stop. I brought some music to play, but the ocean is so peaceful, I'm not going to set that up. 

The restaurants are interesting. The furtniture is all white PVC. But the views...

I'm trying to stay disconnected from work, though we have a little internet access here. Soon I will post this update, then turn my cell off. 

Have a great week everyone. 

It's been a busy few weeks. Steven and I were down in San Fran last weekend, visiting old friends and seeing the sights. Steven grew up just south of San Fran so he has many friends there. We got to see the non-tourist side of SF. Things like have a great hike in the Oakland hills, or the good restaurants Alameda.

 

The sun returns. Monday was the first day since the fall where it was still light outside when I left work. This morning was the first morning since the fall where it was light outside when the morning alarm went off. These simple things cheer me up.

I still enjoy shopping for cameras. I've decided against buying though. Instead of taking and processing photos, I'm going to spend more time reading and writing.

Steven, C6, QJ and I went skiing this past weekend. We lucked out with the weather. We booked the trip about two months ago when the snow was heavy. Since then its been warmer and rainier than normal. Fortunately, the weather cleared and we had a good day.

C6 has a calm wisdom about him. Years ago when I first met him, was partying hard and doing steroids to beef up. He's since had a heart transplant and got sober. He is still living life to it's fullest, but in a very different, thoughtful way. 

Because of the transplant, C6's heart is not hooked up to his nervous system. This means that his brain can't tell his heart when to beat fast. The heart has to figure it out for itself. In practice, C6 can't just suddenly exert himself. He has to warm up for a few minutes until his heart realizes it needs to beat faster. Likewise when he stops pushing himself, his heart will beat fast for a few minutes. 

We snowboarded all day then relaxed in the hotels pool. All enjoyable. 

News on the Sponsee. Tonight Steven went to a recovery meeting with the sponsee tonight. The sponsee is doing well. When he first entered treatment, the sponsee was so white that he was nicknamed 'Powder.' He is now looking much healthier and is in better spirits.  

While a contemplate my the extra cash in my life, I find myself asking 'how do I want to live?'

I used to have a great camera and enjoyed taking photos. Somewhere along the line all that stopped. Then my camera went missing in the separation from my ex.

Lately I've been looking over nice cameras. Reading reviews. Comparing. But I can't honestly say that I would make great use of a good camera. I don't take that many pics with my cell phone. I don't have that much time to process pictures. Steven and I have busy careers and I don't want to take away from that in our time off.

So the good camera goes by the wayside.

Dinner and a play last night. The play was "Straight White Men"  I'm not sure what to think about S.W.M. Steven loves theater. I enjoy a big theatrical productions. Smaller plays usually don't click with me.

 

SWM is a play about white male privilege. The writer approaches this very maturely-- there are no easy answers. Yes, white men have privileges. Asking straight white men to give them up is just not a solution. There is no solution to the problem of your existence.

 

The gimmick of the play is that while the main cast are all white men, the crew and minor characters are very visible minorities. Between acts the minorities reset the stage and then go and sit in the audience. In my case, the flaming black gay man who introduced the play sat right next to me. During the play he would quietly talk about the events with those around him. In one scene when the white men are all eating the same piece of pie, the drag queen quipped "But it's flu season!"

 

Like I said, I'm not sure what to think about this play.

 

Before the play we had dinner with Blum. Meeting Blum is a small-world story. I worked with Blum maybe 10 years ago. We drifted apart as work changed. Recently, Steven met Blum through his recovery meetings. Blum invited Steven to her holiday party. And we reconnected.

 

 

 

No changes on sponsee. He is still in his first 30 days of treatment. Steven called a few of the sponsee's siblings this morning to ensure they know what is going on.

I see that Tommy has hit a bump with his treatments. I hope all goes well. He is doing the right things.

At my parents home, mother is on more medication for her seizures. Dad thinks her memory is in more rapid decline.

I'm doing very well through all of this. I paid my last payment to my ex so there is now some extra cash in the budget. The pets are doing fine. Steven and I are doing great.

The sponsee has checked into treatment.

The night before he said he was so anxious about treatment that he hardly slept a wink.

Wednesday morning we drove to the treatment center. He had to give up his cell phone, but he is allowed to receive mail, so he was scrambling to write down contact information.

The treatment program is six months long and very cloistered. He could only bring in underwear, socks and $60.00 in cash. He will only be able to see a few preapproved visitors after 30 days. It's not a lock up though. The doors were open. We had to be buzzed in, but I could exit the building without being stopped. He can leave when he wants.

I hung around for a half an hour just to double check he met all the basic requirements. Then we said our good byes and I left.

Today, I am determined to not be a couch potato. I am leaving the TV off and engaging with other things. Such as writing a long and sprawling blog entry. I'm not sure the world is better off because of this. But hey…

The sponsee is still here. Last Thursday he was very sick with a cold so we couldn't check him into addiction treatment. His check-in date is now set for this Wednesday. We have been taking care of him. Fortunately he has been very easy to take care of as he sleeps most of the time.

Friday afternoon the sponsee called me. The fire alarms were going off in our house. He said there was no smoke. He couldn't figure out how to reset the alarms. I quickly drove home to investigate—the house and the sponsee. The sponsee was right. There didn't appear to be any reason for the alarms to go off. I pulled the alarm batteries and disconnected their hard lines. Modern fire detectors are just too clever. The sponsee was clear headed when we talked, but still sick and coughing. He went to bed and fell asleep shortly after I shut off the alarms.

Saturday morning I fell into some kind of procrastination black-hole. I couldn't bring myself to watch the tv shows that I wanted to watch. That would be admitting that I was goofing off. Instead, I left "The Amazing World Of Gumball" on TV and just vegged. Gumball is not the kind of show that adults should binge watch. It's a clever children's show with occasional naughty jokes. None the less, I watched it for hours. What are those creatures? What are the laws of physics in that universe?

Saturday afternoon Steven returned from his trip. I was very glad to see him.

Saturday evening was Yo's birthday. Steven and I were invited, but we thought it best if Steven stayed with the sponsee. I took a few hours off and went there by myself.

I took a Lyft there and back. I really like Lyft. The service that they provide is great. Getting a taxi is easy. I know what I'm going to pay before hand. Rides come quickly. The cars are clean.

Why is it that when I call a big taxi company, it takes 30 minutes to get a ride to my house, But with Lyft, one will be there in 5?

Anyways, It's a treat to use Lyft. Not only could I drink with out worry, but I didn't have to deal with traffic or parking. The next time Steven and I go out for an evening, I'm going to use Lyft even if it is many bucks more than driving. Steven can get frustrated driving and parking, especially when it's raining and the traffic is high. He has mentioned that he wants me to drive more, but he is such a control freak that he doesn't like it when I drive. Lyft may avoid that problem and let us have a stress free evening away.

Back to Yo and the Angel. I had dinner and drinks with them. We three are all escapees of very bad relationships. The Angel opened up about that with me for the first time.

We had a wonderful dinner. We had great drinks—hand crafted cocktails. A "Hand-crafted Cocktail Lounge" sounds pretentious compared to a "Bar" but these lounges do a nice job. They are well designed. The drinks are nice to look at. The bartenders are very showy while they make them.

The difference between a bar and a cocktail lounge… at a bar, a scantily dressed young waitress will quickly bring you your drink in a Solo cup. Male bartenders or waiters are rare. At a high end lounge, well dressed men and women will serve you and even have good conversation with you.

So I had a party night with Yo and the Angel. Even though I drank heavily, I was home by 10pm. This is my life now. When did that change happen? There were years when I wouldn't head out to a club until 10pm. Now 10pm is bed time. Even on weekends.

Sunday morning I woke up with a bit of a hangover. I cannot let Steven know when I have a hangover. Given his attitude on drinking, I think that he'd rub it in. I drank a lot of water and took a few asprin. I went for a nice long hike with the dog.   

Sunday afternoon the sponsee took a home drug test as the addiction treatment center won't take you unless there are no drugs in your system. The test showed all clear.  It was nerve wracking waiting for the test to process. We had a good laugh after.

Sunday evening the sponsee went out to his car to remove any valuables. Steven, not joking, asked "Should we watch him. Do you think he will return?" We were relieved when he did return ten minutes later.

Steven is away this week for work. We said our goodbyes a few hours ago. I babysit the sponsee today. Another AA acquaintance will watch him tomorrow. Wednesday morning we check him into treatment.

I hope he makes it.

The sponsee is here. He is pasty and tired. He says he's been awake for three days. Crystal meth and gambling. He is very uncertain of himself.

He is in bed now.

Steven is away for a few days so we have been coordinating over the phone. The sponsee is spending the night here. In the morning he drives him self to a someone (Who is also in AA) They will spend the day going to AA meetings and doing research on recovery & treatment options.  

If all goes to plan, Thursday evening the sponsee heads back to our place.

I'm trying to be a good host but am staying detached. A cynical part of me says I'd love to be taken care of for a month and to receive counseling and coaching to help solve my problems. But, that is not helpful. His are not my problems.

I don't understand addiction. Sure, there have been times I've drank too much or done other stupid things. But, I've always been able to stop myself or change. These addicts push on till money, hunger or health slam them into a wall.

Of course there is always more bad news. A friend's daughter was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. The friend flew into town to spend time with her. We don't know what her future will bring, though it has spread far with tumors in her colon and on her liver.

 

 

Steven is heard from the sponsee. He's alive, though he's not in treatment. Hopefully things don't get much worse for him.

 

The sponsee… some thing has happened.

Steven received a text earlier today from the sponsee. The sponsee had  to leave treatment. He said his insurance was denied.

We three made an arrangement that the sponsee would sleep at our townhouse tonight. While the sponsee was waiting for me to return to home, he said he would go to a nearby AA meeting. Afterwards he would drive to our house.

But then nothing. The sponsee has gone quiet. I hope the best for him. I fear the worst.

Am back to work again. Some people are still away for the week. Some are here. Progress on last years projects is quickly spinning up.

 

 

Happy New Year all!

We spend the evenings at friends, Allen and Evan. They cooked a great dinner for us—prime rib, Yorkshire pudding, roast veggies.

Now, we are all early people. While we originally intended to stay up to midnight, at about 11pm we started to peter out. We excused ourselves and drove home and watched the New Year come in on our TV. They we promptly went to bed.

New Years Resolutions-- Looking over my blogs, I see that I don't have a great track record of keeping resolutions. I think I will leave this at that.

 

 

This week I am on vacation. Steven is heading up to Alaska for a few days of work. So I shall have a quiet few days. I have a few odd jobs planned—little house maintenance things that need to be done but that I keep putting off.

Just me and the dog and a lot of great hiking trails.

Steven and the sponsee have just left. They are heading to a medical evaluation before the sponsee is checked into a treatment program.

The sponsee's life melted down over the past few days. The family he was staying with kicked him out. His ex wife refused to let him see or talk to his kids. This morning, we packed up everything he owns and put it in his storage locker.

On the positive side, he didn't steal or cheat. His health appears to be fine. As they say in the program... as long as you are not dead or in jail, then you can fix things.

Something different for Christmas this year. One of Steven's sponsee's fell of the wagon and spent a few thousand dollars on drugs and gambling. He may have been kicked out of his room. Or maybe not. His story isn't clear here and he is afraid to communicate with those he has dissapointed. Either way, he's spending a few days with us. On Tuesday we check him into a treatment center. 

Steven and I had a good chat about this before we let him in. Usually he is a nice guy and comes accross as having his head screwed on straight. Still, we hid any valuables and agreed that someone had to be with him while he is in the house. 

Steven and the sponsee have been spending their time talking about sobriety, treatment options and the consequences of going on a bender.

Steven, Bailey and I  spent a few days at Whistler skiing and snowboarding. It was my first time snowboarding in a few years, and my first time at Whistler ever. A few impressions. Mostly these are notes for me to remember the next time I travel there...

Whistler is the Disney of skiing. A bit of searching suggests that it's the largest ski resort in North America. The village around the base is built around hotels, bars, restaurants and shopping with ski lifts right in the center.

The resort is built in the valley between two mountains-- Whistler and Blackcomb. Blackcomb is a more challenging mountain. My skill level could handle Blackcomb, but it was exhausting. We had much more fun on Whistler.

Australians are everywhere in Whistler. Apparently Canada allows for unlimited work visas for Australian citizens. Young Australians take advantage of this and flock to whistler to work and ski for the season.

Next time we are there, we should do more research on the different accommodations. Our building was right on the ski run, which is nice, but it was older and the beds were past their prime. I think we could do much better for not that much more money.

There is a whole social life around skiing at whistler. Baily, who skis there almost every year, kept running into people that she only meets there. The general flow is to ski until 3 or 4. Then have a little après-ski (after-ski drinks at the bar. Some of the bar bands are incredibly good) This is followed by a soak in the hot tub and then dinner around 7pm. We fell asleep every night by 10pm since skiing is so exhausting.

Skiing is the opposite of a nice beach vacation. Much work, effort and coordination must go into a ski trip. None of this is relaxing. Its all made up for by the views and freedom that you experience while skiing. 

My last support check to RO is due soon. This brings up many memories, not only for me, but for RO. Tonight he texted me a goodbye love note. With his history of attempted suicide, this makes me think twice. I'm presuming that he is saying goodbye in a friendly way.

 

 

Saxe Point Park in Victoria

We spent the weekend in Victoria. Very plesant and quaint.

We took the Victoria clipper up. That sounds more romantic than it is. The seating is a little better than economy class. You have to go through customs on either end.

The views along the way are wonderful. I saw a pod of orcas. Steven got some great pictures of the sunset.

Victoria, like Seattle, is going through a growth spurt. Lots of construction. I'm not sure what is driving the growth though. I'll look that up sometime.

Steven and I both agreed that we could retire in Victoria.

Saturday night was a party with Steven's old friends, including Vic.

Vic and Steven were once married. The three of us were great friends. That was years ago. Vic and Steven have both rebuild their lives. Vic has since remarried. 

Steven and I chatted about that. He wanted to ensure that I was comfortable around Vic. I admitted it was a little weird, but it was also good to see him again. 

We also got to see Vic's son and his son's wife. I last saw Vic's son when he was 12. I think his son is now 27.  So much time has passed. 

Sunday morning we walked along the waterfront and through the Empress Hotel (Which is gorgeous) and along the shoppping district. The weather was wonderful. A great way to end the weekend. 

As always, Tommy responded back with words of wisdom...

"Tommy" said...

In the past few months, my friends have been coping with similar events in their parents lives. I have to say the children are now becoming the parents... the responsibility for care is on their shoulders for their parents. I see the stress that is occurring with the siblings who live far away and the ones who live near the parents.

I'm looking at this problem a few ways. 

1. My brothers and I are taking responsibilities over from our parents. As a gay man with no children, it's very new for me to feel the responsibility over the life and health of another. I have a new respect for parents.

2. My mothers condition isn't like a cold or flu where she will get over it, and go on to live a great and productive life for years to come. My mother has had a rich and productive life. Now her abilities are waning. What's left is for our family and friends to cherish our remaining time with her. 

3. This is a sneak preview of how I may age. I take great care of myself. Until recently I've been able to delude myself that I'll live a great life until I'm 90 and then die quietly in my sleep. That is not true. I may die at any time for any reason. I may die suddenly. I may linger.

As the Will Roger's joke goes... I want to die quietly in my sleep like my grandpa. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Mother had a seizure on Sunday. She is fine now, though it was very scary for a few hours. She already has short term memory loss, so after she regained consciousness, she was asking where she was every four minutes or so.

Right now she is in good shape. My brother said she has decent coordination and is able to walk around. She has some bruises from when she had the seizure, but they will heal.

My other brother and I live far away from our parents. We are planning things through now. I've seen my parents twice this year and call regularly, so I wasn't planning on visiting them for the holidays.

 

 

 

 

The holiday season is here. Steven and I are getting together with friends three or more times a week. The social schedule is making Steven tired.

Friday was dinner with the husband of a niece of Steven's. He was in Seattle for interviews.

Saturday was a white elephant gift party with the AA crowd. We got a shake-weight and a half a dozen framed nudes of woman. Enough about that.

The party had a large attendance. Steven mentioned that he feels anxious in large parties. That surprised me. He is much more extroverted than I am so I always assumed he was comfortable in crowds. I think the difference is that he always wants everyone to have a great time, which is a tough task in a large crowd. On the other hand, while I don't feel anxious in large parties, I generally don't enjoy them either. So, I don't really care if other people aren't enjoying them selves.

Sunday was dinner with MB. MB is an older friend of Steven's, but they became distant after Steven got sober. Lately they've been reconciling, but they have drifted apart in other ways, so who knows how far that will go.

 

Vinyl

I have friends who insist that vinyl albums sound better than digital. After having dinner with a few of these friends, I'm not sure that vinyl sounds better. But it is more fun. You get to browse the albums—albums used to have great cover art. When you play the album, you must commit to listening to that album for the next 20 minutes.

Very different than Pandora or Spotify where I can just choose "Dinner Music" and then click thumbs down on any song I don't like.

You must take Vinyl more seriously.

 

 

Mom had a seizure. She is in the hospital but is fully recovering now. I wasn't going to go home for Christmas since I've visited my parents twice this year, but this had made me reconsider.

 

This episode has also made me realize that my brothers and I may need to do a bit more planning in regards to my parents. Something may happen where their care will be longer and protracted. What then?

 

 

 

Oh yeah... my blog is now 17 years old. It's a little weird to look back over the older entries. So much has changed in the past 17 years.

It's been three years since RO and I separated and the ensuing drama started.

Life does go on.
 

 

Back from Vacation.  I took Thanksgiving week off. I had a good time. Ate a lot, drank a lot.

 

Saturday before Thanks giving was dinner with two bears that we've known for years. Steven and they had a bonding moment. After Steven told a bit about his sobriety story, the couple shared that they stopped rugs and drank much less because their lives were spiraling out of control.

 

I wonder how common drug use is in the population at large. Do I know more drug users than average? Or am I connected to those more willing to share the truth with me. Its possible that recreational drug usage is more popular in the gay community since gay men, with no children and no other responsibilities, have a tendency to be hedonists.

 

I hear about the opioid epidemic, but none of the drug users I know use opioids. I asked Steven about this. He said that opioids are for poor people. If you have money, you buy meth.

 

Sunday was dinner with the Angle & Yo. They are doing well. The Angle is traveling a lot for work.

 

Wednesday, C2 flew into town. He spent some time with his family. His family dynamics are strained. He has a sister who rents a house from him. They don't get along. His father is a bit bitter and isn't taking care of himself.

 

Thursday was dinner with the AA crowd. Dinner was great, though Steven described the crowd as "The island of misfit toys." Where else can you overhear conversations like…

 

                "In 2006 I got a second mortgage on my house and spent the money on drugs."

                "I was always too paranoid about going into debt. I stole to pay for my drugs."

 

 

As for C2. Who knows how C2 really feels. He and Steven sometimes have very pointed discussions. C2 occasionally likes to push buttons. He hit a few of Stevens. Fortunately C2 really cares about us. When he pushes buttons, it's because he cares for that person and wants them to avoid doing something stupid.

 

 

 

 

Perspectives and the people around us.

Today is my last day in Bangalore. I fly out 4am Sunday morning and will arrive in Settle at 10am thanks to the magic of  time zones.

This trip is a little different than my last one. Steven traveled with me last time. This time I'm alone with the natives. It's given me a chance to pay more attention to Indian culture.

Bangalore is in South India. One of my Indian coworkers here has never traveled north of Bangalore. He says he doesn't understand the languages and cultures. The food is too different.

That was a surprisingly deep statement. While I'm trying to wrap my head around India as a whole, I missed the fact that India is extremely diverse with dozens of languages, religions, foods and cultures.

I like Indian food, though I'm looking forward to my regular diet. The spice is hard on my stomach after a few days. Indian buffet is very common.

I have problems figuring out if a dish is a soup, a dip, a sauce or a spread. I don't think the natives always know either. Or perhaps in India there is just food and you eat it however you want. Labels like "Soup", "Spread" "Sauce" "Appetizer"
"Entee" or "Dessert" are western concepts that don't really apply here. Sure there are food preparations that are more liquid than other preparations, but its up to you if you want to eat it as a soup, pour it on rice or drink it from the bowl.

Advertising is everywhere. Everywhere!  Billboards are everywhere. The front page of the newspaper is a big ad with the main headlines summarized in a small bar along the bottom.

My gut says that Indian advertising focuses more on beauty and jewelry than American ads. But I've learned how to tune out much American advertising, so that perspective may say more about me than India.

Indian TV and Movies are over the top. It doesn't help that I don't speak the languages. I can only focus on the strangeness of the situations. Perhaps American TV is similar, but I don't watch the worst of our TV and since I understand the language the absurdities fly past. The overacting here is kind of similar to the overacting you see in mediocre American sitcoms. There doesn't seem to be the Indian equivalent of HGTV or National Geographic. There are many news channels here. Indians love their news. At the highest levels of Indian society and politics, there is so much corruption so many scandals that people follow the news the passion of soap operas or reality shows.

Bangalore is going well. I like the team here. I can stay engaged enough to stay awake all day.

Wednesday we took a day trip to a Belur temple. The visit was a little odd. One of our hosts insisted that we do something fun during our stay. He arranged for the driver.

The temple is very interesting. It’s 900 years old and took over 100 years to build. It’s covered with thousands of carvings, each telling a different story. The stories are from the Hindu texts.

Back at home Steven has a job interview for a great job at his current company. He is nervous and excited about it. I hope he gets it.

Long distance travel is a little disorienting. My trip is 14 hours from Seattle to Dubai, then a three hour layover in Dubai followed with a 4 hour flight to Bangalore.

In Dubai I've been Skyping with people in Seattle who are just getting up and people in Bangalore who are just going to bed.

The sooner I switch to Bangalore time the better, but I'm hungry and sleepy on Seattle time and food is available all the time.

Well,  I am still in Seattle. Things went wrong. I didn't add enough time before the trip. The driver arrived 45 minutes late and traffic was terrible.

 

I leave again in a couple of hours. The delay screws up my schedule a bit. I'll arrive in Bangalore on Monday at around 9am. I don't think that will change our schedule too much.

 

 

 

I am flying off to Bangalore for work again. This time I am alone. Steven has flown to California for a few days to celebrate his mothers birthday and to spend time with his brother.

My drive doesn't arrive for two hours and I'm ready to go. The trip is 20 hours. Part of me wants to get started as soon as possible. Such is not the way for airlines.

I've given myself an itinerary for the trip. It's too easy to sit, watch movies, drink and play games. I want to use the time to read, write, plan, cleanup my electronic files and listen to some music. All the things I say I want to do more, but never get around to because the TV is on.

I am also flying incredibly light. I think I have all I need—a week of clothes, socks and underwear, toiletries, chargers, electronics, work stuff—packed in a gym bag and a backpack.

This time I am flying business class. My first time doing so for work. A few of my coworkers were excited to hear I was flying business. To be honest, I'm giving up two of my weekends to travel for work. I'm going to be jet lagged for the next two weeks. Business class is very nice and I'm very thankful for it. It doesn't make up for the hassle of the tri

Bangalore does have some very nice places to visit and eat. The hotel is gorgeous. I'll enjoy this trip hassle aside.

  

 

 

I've started running trail again. From my notes the last time I did a long trail run was July 2014. This brings back memories. I stopped trail running at about the same time I decided to leave my ex.

 

Life is settling down again. This is good.

 

Of course my time isn't what it used to be. I used to run my regular trail in 1 hour and 25 minutes. My time is now 1 hour and 47 minutes. This gives me something to work towards.

 

I've also resurrected the motorcycle. It hasn't run in about a year and half. I added distilled water to the battery and charged it up. I started up the motorcycle and got about 100 feet before it stalled out. It wouldn't restart so I had to push it back home. Today I cleaned out the old gas and charged it again. This time it ran fine.  

Steven is away for the week for work, so I'm playing bachelor. The house is becoming more messy and I will need to pick up before he returns. I've also been eating a little more carefully and exercising a little more regularly. I must figure out how to keep that up when Steven returns.

Some of that is newly freed up time. Over the summer, between the wedding, receptions and travel, we fewer evenings and weekends off. The celebrations have quieted down now. I'm enjoying that. I I spend my evenings listening to music and sipping a glass of wine.

Steven dislikes much of the music I enjoy. He calls it "Elevator music for the death star." That gave me a chuckle.

 

Two friends of ours, Allen & Evan won a weekends stay at a resort on Lake Chelan.  They invited us along.

Lake Chelan is a dammed lake in the middle of the desert. In summer it's always sunny and warm. We had a lovely weekend.

We rented a boat for a few hours. Steven wants to own a boat. I'm fine renting. Boats cost thousands of dollars a year, so spending a few hundred to rent every now and then is well worth the trade.

We toured the lake, swam an inner tubed.  

In the evening we had dinner with Matt. I haven't seen Matt in years. We lost touch because he and my ex fought. That's become a pattern in my life—losing touch with friends because my ex and they couldn't get along.

Anyways, it was great to catch up with Matt and his new husband. Well. They've been together for 8 years now, so 'new' isn't the right word.

We headed back after lunch on Sunday. As we crossed the mountains, as if on queue, the rain started up again. We haven't had rain in months, so I'm actually enjoying it.

Hurricane Irma gives us much to watch.  Just a little over a week ago we were in St. Martaan, Puerto Rico & Ft Lauderdale. Our friends there are all OK.

We've been on a whirl wind trip to Florida, a cruise on the eastern Caribbean, Puerto Rico & Ottawa. Lots to write, though it's long and rambling.

We booked the Caribbean cruise a long time ago. A friend is a cruise specialist for a travel agency. She arranged a large and inexpensive cruise for many of her old friends, Steven & I included. We booked with her and paid the bill months ago.

But my parents… It turned out the last weekend of the cruise was the same weekend as my parents 50^th wedding anniversary. Steven and I scrambled. We figured out how to leave the cruise early and fly up to my parents home town. So much for a cheap summer cruise.

We flew down to Florida a day early and spent it with an old friend of Steven's. It was a good time, It rained a lot and hard—side effect of Hurricane Harvey. We took a water taxi tour of the water front. Did a little shopping. Toured some art galleries including one that sold Warhol's and Dali's. Yours for $60,000.00

Cruise was next day. It was great to meet up with all my old friends. I don't get to spend enough time with them. So many of them have kids now that are in their late teens. I'm not yet used to seeing someone grow up. It makes me feel a little old.

Cruise was fun. When we were outside, the heat and humidity were intense. The ship did a good job of avoiding the rain. Sometimes you could see the showers a mile or so away from the ship.

Steven and I intentionally took it easy. Sleeping in. Napping in the afternoon. Not doing too much. It was great to stop and rest.

I placed 2^nd in a big "Name that tune" competition on the ship. It was fun. For about a day afterwards, I was recognized by strangers. The truth is I got lucky. All the songs that I had to name just happened to be songs that I knew. There were many other competitors who were better than me who just got more difficult songs.

I lost in a tie breaker round where I needed to know lyrics. I didn't know the lyrics to "In the Navy" I only knew the course.

Steven and I stayed on board at the first port of call, rather than touring the island. We were rewarded with peace and quiet. The whole pool deck only had about a dozen people. We could use the waterslides with no line. No crowds in any of the pools.

We got off in Puerto Rico. We spent a day relaxing at the hotel. Again the heat and humidity were intense. We spent the evening with another friend of Steven's. Steven has friends everywhere.

The friend gave us a great tour of San Juan then took us out to dinner at a wonderful restaurant.

Thursday morning we flew up to Ottawa.

At the airport, when they announced early boarding for the elderly, a third of the passengers got up and got in line.

It was a long journey to my parents place. After the flight, there were two hour of driving. Fortunately, when we checked into the hotel, the bed was *very* nice.

Next day, we went to my parents farm. Steven got a tour of the farm on a four wheeler. I think he enjoyed that a lot. Usually I travel to the farm for Christmas, when it's cold and snowy.  In the summer it's green and pastoral. I miss that.

We spent some of the afternoon in Pembroke where a local fiddling completion was going on. It was fun to see all the fiddling and fiddlers.

The next day was the main event—my parents 50^th wedding anniversary. There where many guests. I was a little nervous about how to introduce Steven and how he would be received. Steven understands that my home town is very conservative, but he is not one to stay quiet if he is disrespected.

There were no problems. My brothers introduced Steven as my husband. At one point, just after meeting Steven, a cousin shouted over the room to her husband "This is Steven… Barry's Husband!"

We got many congratulations for getting married. Much of the family knew we were married though facebook, gossip, or from my parents. Yes my parents—they told people why they flew up to Seattle last July.

Back to the main event. It went very well. One of the Church ladies helped us stay organized and push things forward. We owe her a big thanks.

Everyone had a good time. Steven put on a slide show with many old pictures from my parents. It was wonderful. It made them cry. Thank you Steven!

We had dinner. We toasted them. It was great.

Next morning we went to Church. The minister was a guest minister. At one point in the sermon he admonished "Those people who have a lifestyle, who have parades for that lifestyle." He stopped there. Later Steven said he would have walked out of the Minister had pushed it further.

We left for Ottawa after Church. I gave Steven a quick tour around the Parliament buildings He was suitable impressed. The buildings are old and well maintained.

Early in the morning we flew back to Seattle.

We are away in the carribean. It's beautiful, hot and humid. Hurricane Harvey has impacted much of a other Texas. Steven has friends there. They are OK. 

More in a bit.

A co worker took some eclipse photos. We had a 92% eclipse.

The Eclipse was today. This morning at work there was a small gathering of folks taking pictures or using various eclipses glasses to watch. All fun

Over the weekend we went to an AA retreat. It was at a lodge on a nearby mountain. Most of the point of the retreat was to get AA members to build relationships. To be friends with each other. To work on being friends.

I'm not a member of AA, but Steven is. In fact, Steven was one of the organizers. I fit in well. Most of the sober men there now have there heads screwed properly, so this wasn't difficult. There were a few guys there who were a bit slow or forgetful. Part of the challenge was learning how to help these people along.

Today's weather, 86F and smoke...

Haze

We are having a hot spell here in the Pacific North West. That, coupled with large forest fires east of the mountains has made the air unusually hazy and heavy. It's like breathing in a traffic jam. I take the clear air around here for granted.

I enjoy the hot weather, though it does slow me down. I am most energized with the temperature is in the high sixties. Steven doesn't like heat. It makes him sweat a lot. It makes him irritable. In the past, I've noticed my brother has the same problem. Heat makes him sick. I guess we are all true Northerners.  

Even when I dream of retiring to the beach, the beach is an Oregon beach that is always cool.

Steven and I have been talking about retirement. We have much saving and planning to do. Where and how do we want to live?

Steven and I had dinner with Clem & Bates. Clem recently retired. Bates is still working. Bates strongly recommends that Steven and I retire together. Clem's freedom and Bates obligations are causing stress in their relationship. It's not that Bates is jealous of Clem's freedom.  It's the other way around. Clem has lost some of the purpose in his life. He doesn't know how to manage so much free time. Clem hates being alone during the day when Bates is away at work. He cleans way too much because he doesn't know what else to do.  Then he develops some resentments that Bates isn't cleaning as much.

Clem has had a succession of part time jobs that he quits after a week or two because he doesn't enjoy them. He has being going out to the clubs to party more. He recognizes that that is a dead end. 

Steven and I are watching them and trying  to learn. I'm sure they will work out their issues. They give us much to think about. Both Clem & Bates have good pensions to fund their retirements. Steven and I have always been professionals who will need to depend on savings. How much will we need? How do we make that happen? We both live in industries where there are very few people who are older than 55. What if we must work into our 60s?

We shall work it out and I may be over analyzing things.

Twenty Years.

I've now been in Seattle for twenty years. Me and a few coworkers, who are also at the same company for twenty years, all celebrated this at a nice local Steak House with our manager and our spouses.

One guy got a bit too drunk and ended up apologizing the next day. Nothing major.

 

 

 

Goat…

My division had a BBQ on Friday. It's a wonderful annual tradition. For a few weeks before this BBQ, a coworker, Kristopher, has been trying to convince Andrew to bring goat to the BBQ. Apparently back at Andrew's parents home, they often have goat at BBQs.

So Andrew brought goat. Fresh from the butcher. He also brought along the goat's head.

There were mixed reactions. Some people were repulsed by the goat. Some people wanted to taste grilled goat, but couldn't get over the head. Some people were really into the goat. They had grilled goat liver.

Andrew brought the goat head home to make goat head cheese.

I told Steven this story. He was disgusted by it. He showed me YouTube videos of baby goats playfully prancing around and asked "How could you eat that!" He became vegetarian for about 10 minutes.

 

 

 

We took the weekend off. Slept in. Afternoon naps. Some hiking. Watched some movies. Had dinner with a neighbor.

Don is one of our neighbors. We met him walking dogs. Recently he had to put his dog down. The dog was an old fella who finally met his time.

We have dinner with Don every few months. Don can be quirky and a little of him goes a long way. Though Sundays dinner with him was very pleasant.

The wedding is over. The guests have returned home. Life returns to normal, but I'm still basking the glow.

We rented a block of rooms at a local hotel to ensure our guests would all be close at hand of sight seeing and for the wedding. We also wanted to avoid choosing which family got to stay in our house, and which had to stay elsewhere.

My parents arrived Wednesday evening and we brought them to their room. My mom looked around and become very uneasy. The room was on the 19th floor. That made her very uncomfortable. We called to the front desk. They found another room on the 12th floor. We went down there. Then mom she said she was expecting and looking forward to staying with Steven and I. And it was very disappointing for her to stay in a hotel. We talked about it for a bit and decided that my mom and dad could stay at our house.

The above makes my mother sound very manipulative. That's not true. Mom has dementia. She routinely forgets where she is. Emotional surprises are very confusing to her.

Since where I'm living now is not where she remembers where I lived, we were worried that my new house would also be a shock to her.

Originally, we thought this would put a few kinks in our plans since we would now need to taxi mom and dad around. Fortunately, my friends C2 & J&G helped out there. Over the next few days C2 would spend a lot of time with my parents making sure they got to the right place.

Dad is good with watching over her and catching her up when she gets confused. It seems that she blanks out and then tries to figure out where she is from what's going on around her.  A few times mom thought she was elsewhere. Usually in Ottawa. She would see that she was in a city. The nearest city to her home is Ottawa, so she'd conclude Ottawa was where she was. We'd gently remind her that she was in Seattle for my wedding. The light would come on in her head.

We had to watch diligently when she went to the bathroom. It would be very bad if she forgot where she was with none of us around.

Thursday morning my friends G&J arrived as well as some of Steven's family. Steven and I separated for the afternoon while Steven caught up with his family. I took G&J and my parents sight seeing. We visited a few local parks to catch the views and spend some time in the sun-- the weather was perfect.

We caught up for drinks and dinner at a bar called the Nest which is on the top of a local hotel. More gorgeous views.

Friday we took it a bit easier. I wanted to make sure that mom and dad could have a nap-- mom being less prone to forgetfulness when she is well rested. We toured Theo's chocolate. Dad really enjoyed that as he is a chocolate lover.

You get to eat a lot of good chocolate on Theo's Chocolate tour. I recommend it for that.

Friday evening was a dinner for the out-of-towners. This was a good dinner hosted by one of Steven's oldest friends. I am very grateful to her for this. About 20 people where there, and she paid for our dinner and drinks.

The event was a bit of a high school reunion of Steven as half a dozen of his old high school friends attended.

Saturday was show time. Steven and I slept it. G&J dropped by for breakfast.

Steven's brother and another friend took care of flowers and some of setup.

The wedding was a blur. We arrived at the venue, at about 3pm and helped with setup. The venue is an extra large suite at a hotel. so at about 4pm Steven and I went to the bedroom and dressed for the wedding. We both wore tuxedoes and bow ties. It was fun.

Guests started arriving at about 6pm. The ceremony started around 7pm. It went well. We both cried a little as we recited our vows. It was very emotional. Joyous. I saw friends there I haven't seen it years.

Catering left around 11:00pm. The last of the guests by 11:30. Steven and I collapsed in bed from exhaustion by midnight.

We woke up filling great. I know it's mushy, but I smile every time I call Steven "Husband"

We met the guests for a going away brunch and said our good buys.

The last few days have been a blur. So many guests, old friends and new. Its all going well.

The wedding is in a few hours. I'm stealing a few minutes to write this down. Will write much more in a day or.two.

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The organizing is winding down. Soon the execution begins.



Guests arrive Wednesday to Friday. We've arranged a hotel, itinerary and gift bags.

Till now we've kept our relationship and wedding off of RO's radar-- no Facebook posts,  We talked about that and decided to "come out." RO casts too much of a shadow over us. It's been two and a half years since I ended my relationship with RO. It's time to move on.  So Steven and I posted about our wedding on Facebook.

We talked with C2 about it. He agrees that we that we shouldn't feel the need to hide our relationship. He also asked us to get security at the wedding. There is a 95% chance that nothing will happen. But you never know...

Steven is much more eloquent that I am. The facebook post is so sweet. His vows are nice. I can learn  lots from him.

The wedding is July 8.

The wedding logo stuff is arriving. We have pillows, thank you notes, pens and coasters. I've also seen napkins with the logo. I don't know where those have gone.

Steven loves this stuff. He does this type of event planning for work, so he knows how to get it done. I've told him that sometimes I feel like a bit of a tourist through this. I can watch, but it's difficult for me to participate.

I think this may be one of the perpetual tensions in our relationship. I can be very minimalist. Steven loves his art. He loves design. He loves decoration. We are very good at meeting each other in the middle. Sometimes we look at each other with very different perspectives.

"That's too much! This is unnecessary."

"You are not trying...  this could be so much more."













Love you!

Saturday. Three weeks till the wedding.

 

The wedding has a logo. Steven took it from our Wedding invitation. He has since ordered mugs, pillows coasters and note cards with it on it. It's kind of cute, but mostly I'm reminded that he appreciates things that I don't. Little proper details.

 

I'm not nervous about the wedding. It's all good.

 

C3 won't attend the wedding. He'll spend a few days before hand with us. As he said, in his present state of mind he doesn't feel anything. He doesn't want to be a stick in the mud.