Steven flew to Toronto, and we spent a week hanging out with friends and seeing the sites. I greatly enjoyed myself. Steven too.

He was surprised by the size of the city. Toronto does sprawl. Seattle is pinched by the lakes and mountains so you can find the end of it. Toronto seems like it goes on forever.

We spent much time with my old friends. After almost 20 years in Seattle, many of my closest friends are still far away in Toronto.

The weather of course was cold in Toronto. And, weirdly, I started snoring there. I'm blaming the dry air and the hard bead. The snoring went away the day we returned to Seattle.

Last night we had dinner with Yo and the Angel. It was good to see them again. They also flew east to spend time with their families.

The new year has started. 2017. That's a big number. It was cold and snowy for the first week. Today its raining. The snow has washed away.

I haven't been paying as much attention to the News, Facebook and Twitter of late. I like it. It's so easily to get sucked into mindless novelty or drama. I hope I keep this habit up and use the time to stay in touch with friend s and to spend more time on things important to me. And no, reading someone's Facebook wall isn't keeping in touch with them.

We celebrated Allen's birthday Friday evening. He is part of the AA crowd. Afterwards, we went off to an AA meeting. At this meeting, an AlAnon meeting was being held in an adjacent room—AlAnon is the organization from friends and families of alcoholics. I attended that meeting. It was my second AlAnon meeting.

AlAnon meetings are very different than AA meetings. AlAnon meetings are attended by maybe half a dozen people. The AA meetings I've been to have easily had 50 to 100 people. Consequently, AlAnon is much more… intimate. You get to know everyone. You will see them next week.

I don't know if AlAnon or AA is more me. I have no disagreement with their goals or materials, I just don't hear my kind of stories there. Hearing my kind of story—I think that's AA speak. I am picking up on the AA vocabulary. From what I've observed from my AA friends, AA phrases start creeping into your daily life. They do have good ways of pointing out common problems. These phrases make it easy for AA members to spot each other when they meet.

And no, I don't think AA is a cult.

Steven has flown off to the East cost for work. He started a new job and is being trained this week. He's nervous, but he'll do well.

Merry Christmas all.

I went to my childhood church this morning. I ran into a few others who make their annual pilgrimage up to this neck of the wood. The church, the whole region really, is dying of old age. Most of the youngsters move else where for jobs and other opportunities.

We spent the afternoon with by brother and a cousin who is wheel chair bound. A few months ago my brother moved in with a new woman. My mother has been over to visit a few times. But, apparently she never remembers that my brother is living with someone new. So there is always a little shock at the beginning when she puts two and two together again.

Father leverages this trick. If he and mom argue on a topic, he'll let it rest for a spell. Then he'll bring the topic up a different way. The second time around mom may be more receptive. He is not malicious with this. Just a little tricky.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Home…

I've traveled to home to my parents for the holidays. It's a different world here. I like it. I like visiting here from time to time.

This really is the kind of place where people don't lock their doors. Where they leave their keys in their cars. Everyone stays in touch and keeps an eye out. Of course this means that everyone knows your comings and goings, but I digress…

My dad is going deaf. My mom is suffering from a bit of memory loss. When they talk they really have to take care that they understand and are understood least the conversation hop of the rails. Fortunately,  after fifty years of marriage, they are both up to the task.

Mom's memory loss bugs me. She is otherwise so healthy. Dad takes constantly watches over her. She gets lost so easily. She shuts down when anxious. She asks the same questions over and over again. My dad is so patient to help her though all of this.

What bugs me most about mom's situation is that if I take my flaws and quirks and exaggerate them to unhealthy levels, then I start to look like mom.

I also chatted with my aunt today. She's in a nice retirement home. Half of the retirement home has a view of the river. The other half has a view of the village. She was wondering if she should pay an extra $75 to get a view of the river. After she looked, her conclusion was that the river is boring. To quiet. She'd rather see people and cars coming and going.

Had lunch at the schnitzel place. As always, it was good.

One thing I like about Canada that they don't yet half is the States is portable credit card machines. When you want to pay, the waitress brings a little machine to you. You run your card though it and pay right there. Your card never leaves your hand. I see these all over the place around here.

Another cousin, his wife and family dropped by in the afternoon to wish us Merry Christmas and Happy New Years. Pleasant chat.

Am on my way home for the holidays. The trip has started off surprisingly well. I flew through the lines at the airport in record time.

 

It is the holiday season. So many parties. We were at four this past weekend. I'm actually having problems remembering them all.

There was dinner at Palermo with Steven's step daughter.

Then there did we go? I'm surprised I forgot.  It was Henkie's 50^th birthday party. Henkie is interesting character. She's a beautiful woman who married rich. Her friends are largely the same. As a testament to her character though, she keeps in touch with her pre-rich friends and treats everyone wonderfully.

Sunday, there was the holiday open house on Whidbey island. Whidbey Island is a wonderful place. Steven and I talked about retiring there.

Sunday evening was Bay's birthday party at Purple.

So much food. I've gained five pounds.

 

Sometimes when I write, so much pointless snark and gotcha comes out. I end up with this conflict between my thoughts and feelings in the moment, and the kind of person I want to be. I suppose this is an age old problem.

 

One day it's Trump. The next it's work. Or my Ex. The list goes on.

 

My Ex is almost out of my house. He has a new place to live. He is having problems affording the move. I offered to pay for moves.

 

My Ex is still heart broken. He is exhausted. He works way too much for too little return. He is a big dreamer who has seen his dreams collapse. There is sticking with it through adversity. And then there is ignoring reality and refusing to pick up the pieces to start over again. He is in the later state.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Steven has started a new job. This week he is on the east cost for training.

 

 

Some selected text messages from him…

 

"First day… OMG! The passwords! The passwords!"

 

"my company owns a winery!"

 

"my company just announced a major reorganization. Oh boy! Not sure I will have the same manager or team."

 

 

 

 

 

The snow has come. The rain has washed the snow away. Just another December in the PNW.

 

Lots of little stresses going around. Soon RO will leave my house. I'm giving him to the end of the year, then I evict.

 

At work there has been a lot of churn. On the plus side, I get to hire people and build the team I want.

 

Christmas is coming. Steven is flying up to TO with me. This is different RO never left the states, never met my friends in Cananda. Steven can't wait to do it. He loves to travel, to meet new people.

 

 

Thanksgiving… Had dinner with a few of Steven's AA buddies. It was a pleasant evening. SB roasted a wonderful turkey that needed an hour longer in the oven than planned. No worries as the company was nice, in the usual AA way.

 

The AA crowd has it's own special way. Half of them are borderline crazy. The other half can talk them back from the ledge. Perhaps they all switch rolls from time to time. It's interesting to watch.

 

The first snow has hit the mountains. Thanks to the summer heat and last winters drought, most mountains have been bare all summer. But now their peaks are turning white.

 

My ex. The end of my old relationship is not yet complete as my ex still lives in my house. I am in the process of evicting him. This is a far more complicated process than I had imagined. Everything in the legal system seems to be that way.

 

I can look on a web site and see the status of the case. Very hi-tech. It says that he has ben served. But, his quiet. I wonder what he is up to.

"writing has a warming quality for the Soul" Well said Tommy…

 

Years ago I read "Colin Powell with Tony Koltz. It worked for me. In Life and Leadership" I wrote down some quotes to remember. They apply today. Some of them make me smile.

 

It ain't as bad as you think, it will look better in the morning.

Get mad, then get over it.

Avoid having your ego so close to your position that when your position falls, your ego goes with it.

It can be done. Presume things can be done until the facts and analysis pile up against it.

Be careful what you choose, you may get it.

Don't let adverse facts stand in the way of a good decision.,

You can't make someone else's choices. Don't let someone else make yours.

Check small things.

Share credit.

Remain calm. Be kind.

Have a vision. Be demanding.

Don't take counsel of your fears or naysayers,.

Perpetual optimism is  force multiplier

 

 

I'm still processing the election. So much turmoil. In the process I've cut my self off most social media. I'm playing games on my phone instead of polling twitter and facebook.

 

The upside of this is that perhaps I will write more.

 

 

 

FW:

 

Happy Birthday Blog. This blog is now 16 years old.

 

 

 

The dog learnt the sound of the pill bottle. She runs when you pop the lid of the bottle. She is not too sick, just a little giardia. But still, she learnt the sound of the pill bottle. We compensated by leaving the top off the pill bottle.

 

Then the dog learnt the sound of the drawer where we kept the pills. She runs when you open that drawer.

 

She is too smart.

 

 

Trump 2…

So it's to be scorched earth then. This will be interesting.

I wonder about the people who aggressively defend Trump to the end. They are fun to watch on the news. I know a few people-in-person who are the same way, so I can't write them off as paid shills. Every bit of bad news is further evidence of collusion with Hillary. How do they process the revolt from within the GOP?

Of course it's easy for me to point fault here. What are my biases? I certainly acknowledge that Hillary has a past. She has been responsible for more than her fair share of slim and gunk. Am I enraged enough?

So many things to rant about…

 

Trump!

 

Trump makes me angry. There is a need for a conservative-thoughtful, conservative–careful, conservative-respectful voice in this country.  Trump is not that man. Even worse he has hijacked the "Conservative" conversation to the point where its now poison. Far right Christian organizations are now distastefully, painfully, endorsing Trump. That's going to damage their credibility for years.

 

Basically the whole political process in the US is going to shift to the left this election for very unhealthy, unbalanced reasons.

 

Don't get me wrong, as a gay Canadian, descendant of  Dutch parents I am about as left as it gets in America. I am also very pragmatic and try to be balanced. I would like people to vote left-of-center because they believe that is their best option. Not because the alternative is to vote for a train wreck. When Hillary wins, she is going to end up leading a population where one third (or more) of the population were ripped off by Trumps failure to be an effective leader. Their voice has not been herd. Center-Right policies are not being discussed. Much of the center right will be as angry as a hive of wasps.

 

 

I think I have an ulcer. Who knows really. I should it checked out. I just have daily heart burn.

 

Stevens mother is in town. She's not a bad woman, but a day with her is enough.

There is no being wistful about it-- fall is here.

Over Labor day, we had a couple of friends in from out of town. We had a great time with them. It seems that the only time we go out and see the local tourist attractions is when visitor arrive from out of town.

This summer weather has been wonderful. Not too many hot days. Evenings have a warm breeze scented with cedar and fir.

But now there are signs. The bed sheets are now too cool over night. This morning when I took the dog for a walk, I put a jacket on. I don't want to think about it, but the end of summer is creeping up.

At work, we are moving offices. I have Thursday and Friday off as a result. I'm not going to do much. Steven is away for work. Now, don't get me wrong, I do love Steven, but sometimes I love complete quiet. No people around. Just the sound of the wind through the trees and the trickle of water from the 'water feature' in the back yard.

Got back last week from our road trip. The entire loop was Astoria, Tillamook, Eureka, Calistoga, Guerneville, Ashland and then home.  

 

We spent a few days in Guerneville at Lazy Bear. It was fun, but a little bit odd for me. The guys we rented the house with (C&J) go to Lazy Bear every year. They know everyone. They introduced us to many people. After a while it gets a little overwhelming.

 

Everyone in our house was 'sober' This put an interesting spin on Lazy Bear as many guys are there to party.  Until now I didn't realize how many guys do drugs. I knew it happened, but this was the first time I noticed that there were times where almost everyone around me was stoned. Mind you. Marijuana is no legalish.

 

Our friend C is involved with Alcoholics Anonymous. He organizes meetings and is a sponsor for a few other guys. One evening we were talking about AA & Al-Anon (The peer meeting for friends and family of AA members) He asked why I didn't go to Al-Anon. I told him that I didn't really think I needed it. Even though Steven is also in A.A., he isn't relapsing. He lives a normal and healthy life. C said "As far as I know, everyone you've dated is an addict." He has a point. Maybe I will go to Al-Anon.

 

We left Guerneville on Saturday and drove up to Ashland.  Ashland is a wonderful little town in southern Oregon. Kelly said he's considered retiring there. I could see why. The weather is beautiful It's nestled in the mountains with great views.

 

We met the hotel owner the next day and told him our experience. He was very gracious and made things right. He gave us a tour of the rest of the hotel—it's going through a remodel. Our wing hadn't been touched yet. The rest of the hotel was very nice. Clean. Fun.

 

It seems that when you use one of those book-cheap-last-minute sites, owners push you into the least desirable rooms. They know you won't be back. You are only there for the price.

 

We are in Florence OR today. Beautiful here.

The Tillamook dairy factory is a huge tourist attractions. There are hundreds of people here eating cheese and ice cream.

We didn't see this sign until checking out.

There are dozens of flies in the front lobby. The air smells of fish. There is a fish processing plant next to us. Not good.

Steven and I are on a road trip. His first vacation in a long time. We made it to Astoria Oregon on our first night. 

We found the hotel on the internet using a last minute booking site. It was expensive. Its on the waterfront. What was there not to like?

Steven says the place looks cracky. The room next to us has barking dogs. The room smells musty. The bed looks clean though. I don't think it's been painted since the 70s. 

Do I sound entitled? Through this election process I've become very aware of how well off  I am. How good globalization had been for me. And how many people are not in the same boat. I could see how someone would think I'm spoiled.

Still, I will be more selective of the hotel tonight.

Get Outlook for iOS

The weather here has been pleasant. Not too hot this summer. Low 70's in the day. Cool overnight.

Had a wonderful weekend catching up to old friends. We've had a few old drama's that have been bugging us for months. They were resolved at one of the BBQ's.

C2 and QJ used to be close friends of Steven. They've been more distant since he moved back to Seattle. Invitations were never followed through on. At the BBQ, QJ realized he had the wrong number in his phone. Simple problem. Simple solution.

 

 

Of course things would get more complicated. As the time gets closer for RO to get out of the house, he finds many reasons he can't. move. His credit isn't good. The market is too hot. No one will take a man without… blah blah blah.

 

The latter half of June has been quiet. I've sent my first payment off to my ex and his lawyer. The next step is that he moves out of the house. I get to change the locks on August 1.

Things are on the up with C2. He's stuck at a job he hates. He is staying there because it will get him a Top Secret clearance in a few months. The jobs he really wants need Top Secret clearances.

Now that we are settling in, Steven and I have joined a local gym. We have yet to go but the that's in the works.

More generally, I think Steven and I have to plan ahead a little more. Our jobs can be very long and stressful, so it easy to get into a rut where we do nothing but work, eat and sleep. It wouldn't take that much more to say "Let's go to the gym Tuesday evening." Lets meet up with a friend on Thursday." The time will fly by wither we plan for it or not.  

 

 

Steven has a dog. He loves that dog. She is very cute. I regularly take her out for runs and hikes..

 

Sometimes I let her off leash when I hike on the trails behind our house. I know I shouldn't, but she likes it and she gets so much extra exercise. As I'm walking along the trail, she'll run a little a head of me, then run back, then run ahead, then run back.

 

Last weekend while I was hiking with her, something spooked her—a group of trail runners behind us talking, making noise.  She sprinted ahead of me and vanished. That shouldn't have been a problem. She usually waits when she gets too far ahead of me.

 

Not this time. She wasn't there when I got to the fork in the trail.

 

I hung around the fork for a few minutes, calling her name.

 

Then I started running up and down the branches of the fork. Calling her name.

 

I ran back to the fork, then ran farther down each of the forks.

 

Every time I ran into someone on the trail. I asked them if they had seen a dog. I asked them to keep there eyes open and gave them my cell #.

 

After 45 minutes of this, I finally worked up the courage to call Steven and tell him what happened.

 

He was shocked and angry with me. We came up with a plan that he would start walking the trail close to our house going east. I would cover it from the west.

 

When he opened the front door, there she was sitting on the front porch. Her paws were dirty and she was covered with burrs. But she was fine.

 

For my punishment, I had to taker her to a groomer. The groomer did a good job. The dog is all pretty again.

 

Later on I saw on the local Internet Message board…

Saw a white lab with a blue/green collar running around off leash on Shangri La way. The dog came running down Shangri La and took a right on Talus drive. She was too fast for me to catch her. I waited for a few minutes to see if the owner was around but no one turned up. Hope the puppy finds the way back home

 

I am so happy, and a little surprised, that the dog knows her way back home.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We moved last Saturday and have spent the last two days unpacking and organizing. There is still much work to be done, but the place is starting to be a home. 

We still don't have laundry or cable/internet. Those should be done today.

The new place is nice. Since we own it rather than rent, I'm a little more careful. I close drawers, doors and cabinets gently with the handles instead of giving them a quick shove. I clean up after myself a little more often. U hope these new habits stick.

Mediation went well. We reached an agreement.

 

My lawyer started off the morning warning me that since this was only a half day mediation, there may only be enough time to bring the mediator up to speed on the details of our dispute and to establish a framework for resolving it.

 

Things started off wrong. The mediator moved four months ago and google brought up his old address. Fortunately the mediator only moved one block and we were able to walk over.

 

The mediator told me he was running this session "Henry Kissinger" style. RO and his lawyer were in different rooms than my lawyer and I. The mediator would talk to me and my lawyer for bit, then go and talk to RO and his. After a few rounds of this, it became clear that there was one big factual dispute between us. RO thought I had much more money than I actually do. When I produced the paperwork showing otherwise, my lawyer, RO's lawyer and the mediator left for a chat. When they returned, the mediation became very productive.

 

Rather than ending after a half day, all the lawyers agreed to spend a few extra hours to finish the process.

 

We had to go back and forth a few times about the final dollar amount. As my lawyer said, we had to balance two things, we want the dollars I'm paying RO to be low. We also have to offer a number high enough to show we are taking the process seriously. "You have to hang the meat low enough that the dog will try to jump."

 

RO and his lawyer accepted our final offer.

 

I'm glad the mediation is now over. It's a little more lucrative for RO than I would have liked, but I'll get over it.

 

We still have to execute on the agreement. That will be so much more easy than the endless waiting that's happened for the past year.

Its difficult to gather all the paperwork and statements for the mediation. Most of the interesting stuff is 10 years old and long since discarded it. The banks have some records. Not as much as I had hoped.

I make calls to get copies. The lawyer charges me a small fortune to check up on me. To make sure I do track down the statements.

Other things are afoot. My brother left his wife. He packed a bag and left. Much like I did. I wonder if that's the right way to end a relationship. It is if you are tired of not being heard. Sometimes if you are not heard it means that you have not spoke up. Did I speak up enough? Did my brother? Did I (he?) use the relationship to hide other feeling?

I know that I am not good alone. I have more energy and focus around good people. In hindsight I think I chose RO because I was sexually attracted to him and because I could get energy from being around him. Those are good, but they are not a reason to stay with someone.

The separation continues. We finally have a date for mediation scheduled. I'm scrambling to collect the last 12 years worth of statements.  My lawyer has warned me that owing to the messy state of things, it's probably in my best interest to offer RO a little more cash. A trial will be expensive.

 

Moving continues as well. We move at the end of May. Honestly, I'd love to move now. I hate this waiting.

 

 

 

Move to the country and plant an organic garden.

 

I think about living that way sometimes. Life would be so much more simple if I wanted that. Tommy, I suspect that you too feel the same way. You can live well and simply if you choose to.  But the call of opportunity, or duty, or leadership, or friendship sets you on a different path.

We have bought a house. It's a town house. The construction is not yet complete. We've been visiting it most weekends-- watching the progress. I really like the new neighborhood. It's right on a large state park and a five minute drive to some great shopping and restaurants. The new place should take five minutes off my commute.

 

The house hunt.

 

The lease ends at the start of May, so the house hunt is on.

 

Real-estate is crazy in Seattle. Last weekend Steven put an offer in on a $500,000.00 house.

 

Let me tell you, a $500,000 house in Seattle doesn't get you much. This house was nice, but small. Built in the 1940's. Three bedrooms. Well taken care of.

 

The house was on the market for one week. Steven put an offer in for $560,000.00.

 

The owners received nine offers. The winning offer was over $600,000.00

 

This is not uncommon. It's the way things are now.

 

Our hunt goes on.

 

Was up at Orcas island for the weekend. It is lovely. A little world of it's own.

 

The island has developed it's own hipster foodie culture. Every restaurant made it's own bread and had the bulk of it's food grown on the island. It got a little tiring after a while. Sometimes you want a regular pizza. The pizza created with love by a James Beard award wining chef is very nice, but a pizza peperoni and mozzarella would do.

 

The first night we ate at the Doe Bay Café. It was close to the rental house. It was recommended.

 

When we got there, the menu was vegetarian and sea food. And expensive. I wanted to leave. Steven suggested we try a few of the starter dishes just to quell our hunger.

 

Those starter dishes were amazing. We stayed for the whole meal. Ever dish was beautiful. Everything tasted wonderful.

 

Saturday afternoon we listened to the Rosario organ… 100 years ago a ship building magnate built his retirement home on Orcas island. A very large room in the house has a huge pipe organ with thousands of pipes. Now that this house is a resort, the Organ is on display to the public and played regularly.

 

We… we… We… I keep saying we.  Steven and I are dating. I like it. I'm looking forward to more. We are both working professionals. We have been friends for years. It's very nice.

We had a special evening of music on the top of the Smith Tower.

The Smith Tower is the oldest high rise in Seattle. It was built a little over one hundred years ago. Mostly it is full of businesses.

But, see the pyramid at the top? A woman named Petra lives there. She lives there with her two children.

Every now and then Petra hosts a musical session in penthouse on the top of the Smith Tower and we got tickets. The music was wonderful.

The other cool part of the evening was that you got to climb up to the very top of the Smith Tower, right into the bulb that sits on top.

I'm struggling a little with the blog. With my separation and the associated legal complications, it's not smart thing for me to publicly comment on my life's details.  Still, I'm going to continue the blog. In some ways, this has become my photo album. I don't want to stop it. At the beginning of every month I skim that month from the previous years.

 

Thanksgiving was good. Stephen and I spent it at the top of a condo on capital hill. The day was sunny and bright. The condo room had a great view. About forty people attended it, pot luck style. Lots of turkey. Too many desserts. They way a good Thanksgiving dinner should be.

 

I've booked the last three weeks of the year off on vacation. My boss noticed that I hadn't used my vacation balance. He told me that this was poor planning on my part. Leadership must plan to use the available resources.

 

So, I'm in Hawaii now. Waikiki to be precise. The weather is glorious here.

 

The trip was a freebie. Steven is a regional manager with people who work in Hawaii. A couple times a year he fly's here to spend a week with them.

 

I've been in Waikiki once before. I think it was in 1995. Twenty years ago. Mostly I don't remember that trip. Every now and then I get little flash backs. I remembered the hotel I stayed at when we walked by it.

 

I hiked up Diamond head Crater. I did this 20 years ago. I forgot most of the details. I did remember the long stair case at the end. It has 40 non-stop steps.

 

The sun is hard on people here. The homeless in particular. Though, I guess there are worse things than being homeless in Hawaii. You could be homeless in Seattle for example.

 

I haven't talked to Bruce in years. We used to work for the same company. He left for some reason. He and his partner, C3, moved to the east coast.

 

Out of the blue, today, I get a message from C3…

 

"I got a call the other day from the Police that Bruce had killed himself. Am just getting my brain back and figured you would want to know.   He was really happy with all you guys and i begged him to go back to Seattle to be among his friends. But he couldn't do it. Dunno why really.  But he really loved you as a friend. C3."

 

I let C2 know. Bruce introduced C2 and I. He, as I, is saddened by this.

 

 

 

 

Fall is setting in. It's cool. It rains every day. The Seattle gloom is here.
 
My life is quiet. I'm working a lot. Probably not taking enough vacation.
 
Steven's life is stressful. His father isn't doing so well though. His father has decided wants to die, sooner rather than later. He has COPD. He is CHF. To further this, he has stopped taking all meds except his comfort meds.
 
Comfort meds. That's a new phrase I had not heard before.
 
The thing is, now that he's off almost everything but morphine, is that he feels much better.  It's occurred to him that he may live for months instead of dying in the next few days.  Or is that the morphine talking?
 
 
 
 

It's October 12 today. That means this blog is 15 years old. Happy birthday blog. It's fun and strange looking over the first entries. I lived fairly different life back then.

My separation from RO is proceeding. We both agree that seeing a mediator won't be a good use of our time, so I'm going with petitioning the court for dissolution. It was a little under a year ago that I left RO. It's time to finish off the legal parts of our relationship. I'm surprised how long this has taken. So are my friends.

LIfe in Canada…

My mother was complaining how the length of this year's Canadian Federal Election process. It's twelve weeks long! Usually they are only six. Every night the news is the same thing-- who said what on the election trail. The real news is being pushed to the back burner. Get it over with already.

Perhaps she was subtly ribbing me about the American election cycle. Twelve weeks would be refreshing.

C2 is in town. He wants to move back to Seattle and may do so. He is a government contractor and the finance debated that happening now may cause him to loose his job. He wants that to happen.

We went to the state fair last night. Saw the animals. Rode the rides. It was fun,

Last week, RO tried to kill himself again. We were talking on the phone. He threatened to take pills. He wanted to end it all to solve all the problems and make everything simple again. I told Steven what RO was up to. Steven called 911 while I stayed on the phone with RO.

RO is already out of the hospital. I don't understand why he isn't under constant observation. This is the 3rd or 4th time he's tried to kill himself.

Weddings. So many of them.

This past weekend Steven and I went to Yakima for a friends wedding. The wedding was at Gilbert Cellars. Very nice place.

Weekend before we flew to Denver for a wedding & a few days R&R.

The 20^th, we caught a concert at the Red Rock Amphitheater. The Piano Guys. They are a great band. I was initially surprised that I had never heard about them before. After all, they filled a ten thousand seat venue and they were clearly knew there stuff. Over the course of the evening though, I figured it out. They are Mormon, and they are very famous amongst Mormons. I'm just not in touch with the Mormon world.

Check them out on YouTube.

Friday we went to the Celestial Seasonings Tea factory for a tour. Yes, you heard that correct.

It was one of the most intense experiences I have been through. One of us got injured and had to leave. The peppermint room was an assault on the senses…. I exaggerate but only a little.

The tour was largely populated by middle aged women and their families. Oddly enough we were there at the urging of a female middle aged friend who wanted to see it.

One person on the tour did have to drop out. She was asthmatic and the tea dust made it hard for her to breath.

The peppermint room was intense. Celestial Seasonings has a separate warehouse room to store peppermint. When you walk into that room your eyes and nose start to run.

And then we sampled tea.

Saturday we went to an amusement park but left early because the threat of lightening shut down the big rides.

Saturday night was the frosting emergency. The mother of the bride had elected to make the wedding cake. But Saturday evening, for the Sunday Wedding, the cake was still not ready. In fact the first batch of frosting didn't turn out and the mother of the bride didn't have a car or kitchen available to her to make another batch. So, we drove across Denver Saturday evening to a friends with an available kitchen.

The frosting and the cake turned out very well.

On Sunday was the wedding. It was held at a barn at a botanical garden. It was very beautiful.

The parents...

My parents are getting old. The roomies parents are getting old. It makes me ask hard questions about how I want to live out the rest of my life.

Fifteen years ago my mother flew with me for a month to Zimbabwe. Today she won't leave the country.

Steven's mother is pressuring him to buy a house big enough that she can move in.

A coworker just bought a new house with a bedroom on the ground floor, because his parents were having problems using the stairs at his old house.

C2's father just sits there and does nothing with his time.

I don't enjoy watching the inevitable changes of time affect my parents. I exercise regularly and watch what I eat. Perhaps this will extend my healthy and active life. But in the end...

Yesterday was my first court ordered anger management session. It was actually good. I enjoyed it. Maybe even got something out of it. I have to hand it to the instructor. He is trying to be helpful to a room full of people who would rather not be there. I think the program is very 12 steps based. He tried very hard to emphasis that we are responsible for our actions and that we have to be honest with ourselves because anger is often the result of someone revealing our personal fears and shames. If we are not afraid of ourselves... if we are not ashamed of our selves...

Steven hates the stories.

Last September, Steven checked him self into rehab for crystal meth addiction. He lost his job shortly after leaving treatment.

Since then he's come along way. He has a great new job, even better than the old. He has distanced himself from drug and alcohol using friends. He attends AA regularly and has a sponsor.

He still has a lot on his mind. Everyone he met in the rehab treatment center has since relapsed. Regularly, someone he knows through AA falls off the wagon and hits tough times.

He read "Beautiful Boy: A Father's Journey Through His Son's Addiction." The son in this book also had crystal meth addiction. The son relapses often.

All these stories of relapse worry Steven. There are not many role models of people who stayed sober.

I don't know what to say here. His life is going well now so he has the strength to say sober. Sooner or later he will hit a rut. We all do. I hope then that all his friends will help

No update in over a month. I've been lazy.
 
My charges are in the process of being dropped. I have to take an anger management course. After that the prosecution has agreed to drop them.
 
Not much progress finalizing RO and my separation.  We are in the progress of getting a mediator, neither of us are pushing that one along, so the process has stopped.
 
Steven and I spent a few days at Cannon beach in Oregon. Was beautiful. As we joked-- imagine a beach, miles long with soft white sand. The beach's land scape is dotted with gorgeous hay stack rocks. All beautiful. Now, imagine that beach has a constant, non stop cool 20mph wind. That beach is Cannon beach.
 
Indeed. We've had a heat wave here. Seattle has hit 90F every day. Cannon beach barely scratches 70F.
 
Steven and I also spend a weekend at a friends cabin in Shelton WA. Very quaint.
 
Steven, as well as his friend are both in AA. I've getting to know the AA vernacular a bit better than perhaps I wanted to. Fortunately it's all very practical. About establishing proper relations. Being responsible for yourself and acting to allow others to be responsible for themselves.
 
I drink much less hanging out with Steven. I generally like that. Now, I do enjoy a glass of wine, or a beer every now and then, but I don't drink daily any more.
 
On a different topic, I don't think my parents will travel out here this summer. I'll probably go and visit them. They are getting older and more hesitant to travel. Too bad
 

Over the weekend we had a big BBQ with about 30 guests. It was great to see old friends and meet new.

RO & I… The time is coming when RO and I have to have a good hard chat. He lives in the house I own. He works at the business I own. These facts are dragging things out.

I know I am not responsible for his happiness. I am not responsible for him earning a living. Yet, my actions can't help but hurt him. I have to close the business. I have to sell the house. With his struggles over the past few months, I can only imagine how he will react.

It is my birthday today. Have been reflecting on the past six months.

I'm settling down to a new normal, however I still have a ways to go. RO agreed to switch to mediator, which I want as well. My lawyer and RO's lawyer were both accusing the other of never returning phone calls. This log jam ate of time and soaked up money.

I like living in my new place and my new roomates. Steven is great to half around. He's a Big E Extrovert, and is always planning something. Brown, on the other hand, is quiet, like me. This is very comfortable. Brown and I can be in the same room for hours and not talk to each other. We both like that. The silence bugs Steven. He doesn't understand our introverted ways.

Since I left RO, I've used two tubes of tooth paste. I think I'm on my third bar of soap. It's weird that I know that. My post RO life is so clear in my mind that these details are sticking with me.

My life is very minimalist right now. Intentionally so. Mind you, I'm not living without stuff Steven owns a lot. So my bedroom and bathroom are clean and spare. The rest of the house is well decked out. It's a good balance.

It looks like my assault charges will be dropped. The prosecutor and my lawyer have agreed that if I take an anger management course, and stay out of trouble for six months, then the charges will be dropped. All that has to happen now is for the judge to sign off on everything.

I spent the week in Chicago for work, for a conference. It was a nice trip. Very busy, but fun. I thought that I'd have a chance to relax a little, but that never happened. Between work, and dinner with coworkers, I wouldn't get back to my hotel till after ten.

The flight back was a pain. Two mechanical failures and a thunderstorm meant that I spent about four hours just taxiing on the runway. Bleah.

I had another hearing on the assault charges. Everything is going so slowly.

Last week, the prosecutor had not turned over a copy of the evidence to my lawyer. At my pretrial hearing, my lawyer tried to have the case dismissed on that basis.

The prosecutor didn't even show up to argue. A poor para-legal was there trying to answer the questions. The file she had only contained copies of my lawyers request for the evidence.

The judge gave the prosecutor 3 days to turn over a copy of the evidence.

Of course, two and a half days later we finally received the copy.

We meet tomorrow to go over the evidence package in detail.

I did have a great weekend. The weather here is very nice. C2 is in town for a few days. Also, our new roommate, Browne, just arrived. He's a very nice guy.

Despite all the trouble dealing with RO, I really like how things are turning out.

This is the view from my bedroom window. I have remind myself that no matter how bad this year has been, that I still am very well off. I live with a good friend.  I have a great job. I will be ok. No one should feel sorry for me.

Steven has a job. Not only does he have a job, but he has a very well paying job and he really likes the people he will be working with. This is great news.
 
2015 has been very bad year for both of us, until now.  

RO had a small heart attack last night. He is ok, but he will be in the hospital for a few days

We were negotiating our separation contract. He didn't like what I proposed and we argued via txt message. A few hours later I got a txt from Boone that he drove RO to the hospital with chest pains.

The Wind...

Last Thursday's dinner with Behr & BitBehr was very nice. It was good to catch up with them. Much has happened in the years since we last spoke.

For a while, we talked about drug and alcohol use in the gay community. It's far more common than I'd like. Steven even spoke a little about his drug use, it's beginnings and what pushed him to treatment.

I can only speculate why drug and alcohol problems are so common around me. I suspect it's because this crowd has nothing to care for other than themselves. With no children, all our money earned is spent entertaining ourselves and finding the next hot guy to have sex with. This can be a very selfish life and unless you are careful, very self destructive.

I'm visiting C2's cabin on Hood Canal. For lunch I stopped by a little lake to eat in the sun. As I sat and watched the lake, I saw patches of little ripples. The ripples would appear in an area, shift, grow and subside. Sort of like how a cloud changes shape.

Over time I noticed that I'd feel a slight breeze when the ripples were by me. It donned on me that the ripples were caused by the faintest eddies of the breeze. I was watching the wind.

After a while the sun hid behind the clouds and the breeze picked up. I finished my lunch and left.

C2's cabin is quiet. It offers me time to contemplate, to read a little, to write a little.

Cell phone coverage is spotty, though wi-fi is good.

Soon the sun will hid behind the hills. I'm going out to enjoy.

I have my clothing. This makes me happy.

When I moved out, I didn't bring much with me-- a few t shirts. A few long sleeve shirts, some jeans, underwear and toiletries. That was it. It was very minimalist. For the past three months, it worked, but I had to do small loads of laundry a few times a week.

It's been difficult to get back. With the no-contact order I can't even get within 500 feet of my house.

I finally got Boone to bag up all my clothing. We met last night and handed it off.

There is nothing new to report on my charges. When we met for pretrial, the prosecutor had not yet given my lawyer a copy of the evidence. In fact the prosecutor showed up at the court with no files at all. Somehow they were misplaced. Now everything is delayed by a month.

I'm starting to re-establish contact with my old friends. I lost touch with many people while RO and I were together. I knew RO wasn't beloved, but I didn't dwell to much on the details. I was fine not going out.

BitBear thanked God for the excorcism when he heard about our separation. That surprised me. BitBear is usually calm and quiet and I didn't think he ever talked much to RO.

I have to walk a careful line here. RO has known for a long time that many of my friends stopped talking to me while we were together. Part of him wants to think that this is because people (me included) are saying cruel things about him behind his back. He doesn't realize how combative and overbearing he sometimes is.

I spent the night in jail. Now, How did this happen…

RO and I met to talk about our separation contract. RO started to get belligerent and took a few swings at me. I tried to leave but he blocked the way. I held him at bay for about 10 minutes. I didn't know how else to end it, so I took a good swing and pushed him down.

I stayed around to make sure he was OK. He started talking and swearing at me. So I  left.
We both called 911.
The police came and we chatted for a while. I'm not sure why took me and not RO. So, I spent the night in jail.
At my arraignment, I was charged with 4th degree assault and released without bail.
On my way out, the jailer joked with me "Before you go telling anyone any I-did-hard-time stories, let me tell you that you spent the night in the nicest jail in the county, and that 4th degree assault is not a felony. "
I never felt unsafe the whole time was there. Worried but not unsafe. My cell had 11 other people in it. Everyone was clean and well kept. When I entered the cell, they quickly figured out I was new to this whole process. One of them helped me set up my cot. Then he gave me a short speech on cleanliness. There were no janitors there so, everyone had to help keep things clean.
The cot was not comfortable.
This is not something I want to go through again. But, kudos to the staff and inmates.
Now. More later on what I've learned from this.

But wait, there's more....

Steven's potential job is in Los Angeles not Louisiana. Sorry for the confusion Tommy.

But wait… At the interview Steven was informed that the Seattle manager was interested in taking the Los Angeles position, opening up a position for Steven in Seattle.

Anyways, Steven passed the first round of interviews. Hopefully he will land the next round as well.

I am out at he Hood Canal this weekend at C2's cabin. C2 owns two places right next to each other. One he rents out. One he keeps for himself and friends.

This morning I was talking to C2 via Skype on a tablet. I walked around the property with the tablet so C2 could see how the place is holding up. 

While I was walking with the tablet, I happened upon the tenet. She was very excited. She had quit her job and was opening up a thrift store. C2 let out a long groan. He has a long history of tenants who loose their job and then stop paying rent. One of the things he liked up about this current tenant was that she had a good stable job.

Oh well.

On the RO front, RO is becoming very angry. I'm not sure how to handle this. I listen to him vent at me. He has no friends now. Hopefully venting at me is more constructive and helpful than bottling it up.

 

Off the rails...

Steven is losing his lease on our current place at the end of Feb.

Today we put a deposit on a nice place. It's a bit expensive, but it has lots of space and we can easily bring in a roommate or two.

Steven has no job. Today he got an interview for a job in LA. The hiring manager told him no other candidate is being interviewed for that position.

Leaving RO and moving away has let me take stock of my life. Lately I've been thinking about the friends that I've lost contact with. Some of my friends had ongoing arguments with RO. Over time they stopped talking to us.

Some moved away. Job changes. New boyfriends.

Some a bit of both.

I'd like to catch up with some of them.

I had dinner with RO. We fought. We didn't concluded the fight. It was a polite fight, but I didn't give up in frustration or go silent. Afterwards I got the following from RO's daughter...

Hi BC. I heard you and dad had dinner and a good talk. There aren't words I can say to express how happy I am that he is healing in his mind, body and soul. You are helping make that possible in every way and I am so very grateful. You are a kind and generous man, and my father is lucky to have live and loved with you. Thank you for taking the time to talk with him tonight. Speaking openly with you is something that is helping him move on in more ways than one. I hope that you are doing well, and that you know that you can call and ask me for anything that you might need help with (although it seems that you have it under control). Love and big hugs to you! 

I responded...

Thanks. I would like your advice. I worry that when I spend time with RO he gets more attached and more depressed. So your feedback is welcome.  If he is getting better then great

But please let me know

 She answered back...

It was as if he understood things clearly for the first time tonight. That you didn't end the relationship to hurt anyone, that it was just what you needed to do for yourself. He really seemed like he was in a good place. Almost as if he felt weight lifted off of him. I hope you felt good after your talk, too. I would definitely let you know if he was getting more depressed or acting out of character again.

This is good. It's also given me food for thought-- that there are times where a dangling argument is healthy. Not giving in. Not in the winning. Not in consensus. Sometimes it's good for two people to disagree and to know they disagree and for each to know that the other won't sway. 

More than once people have pointed out that I "avoid conflict." Of course I've thought. There is nothing wrong with that. Get together with them. Talk it out. Make a choice. More often that it should, this strategy just means I avoid people and issues.

Now there is a third way. You may not need to decide that one position is right and one position is wrong. Both of of you are free to go your own way.

I'm in my mid 40's and a manager of a big team at a large company. Yet, in the past month I've learnt more about interpersonal relations that I have in 40 years and have become very aware of how much I have yet to learn. 

I'm spending the weekend at C2's cabin on the Hood Canal. It's a nice getaway.

Dad is on an antibiotic drip. He may be so for weeks.

Some how he got a bacterial infection in his foot. It's now swollen and painful. He is in good spirits and sounds fine but he must rest while the antibiotic works its course.

At work I'm struggling with an employee. He is very smart, but he is also difficult to work with. He frequently sees management (Not sure if I'm included) as some sort of 'them' that makes his life miserable due to their poor choices.  This attitude makes it difficult for me to allow him to work with people who don't know how he operates. When he is exposed to any cross team initiative that runs into any problem he loudly calls out someone for not thinking though the plan.

I struggle with my responsibilities here.  He frequently barks the most on topics where I know the team is  weak. Am I afraid that he is exposing my flaws? I could put more effort into thinking through the plans.  Is it reasonable for me to expect him to help? Maybe the answer is both.

I am away for the weekend at C2's cabin on the Hood Canal.

There is no TV or cell phone here. There cabin is secluded and there is very little to do near by. But, it has good WiFi. So, it's easy to fall into the trap of surfing the internet.

There are some local trails that I will check out. Just as soon as I finish watching a little more Netflix.

RO and I talked last night. He's a little angry at me now and not as depressed. I guess that's progress.

M says he tried to OD again, but M noticed and got him to throw the drugs up. RO has no drugs now. Well, he has a three day supply of a special type of sleeping pill.

A few of us have concluded that RO doesn't really want to die. He wants attention and is too tired, drugged up and self centered to deal with that in a healthy way.

For the last two nights RO has behaved.

He has lost a lot of weight. Thirty pounds. He is seeing a counselor and a doctor.

I went over last night to discuss the separation contract. Boone, RO and I also ate dinner together and watched a movie; A Walk in the Tombstones.

He shakes when I touch him, and easily breaks down into tears. On the other hand, he's a grown man. Why does he have no coping skills? I want to scream at him "Pick yourself up! Build yourself a life! You've got a place to sleep. You've got food to eat! All on my dime. You are not the first man whose heart was broken, and you won't be the last. You're problems  are so trivial in the big scheme of things. Your friends can't bail you out forever. So, pick yourself up."

A crisis of no sleep.

RO is being let out of the hospital. The doctors have concluded that his behavior was brought on by a crisis of no sleep.

One of the nice things about living with Steven for a while is that he lives two blocks away from a nice little home-made ice cream store.

Seeing me with a tub of chocolate ice cream he asked "Are you medicating your feelings with that?"

"Whatever I'm feeling I'm adding ice cream to it."

We both shared a few scoops.

Steven frequently sees the world through the eyes of someone recovering from addiction and codependence. Simple things sometimes are signs of a deeper problem. Or maybe not. Either way it provokes discussion.

I talked to RO's daughter today. She said the he said that he is glad that he's alive. There may be something medical behind is attempt. Apparently he was only sleeping an hour or two a night and had a doctor who gave him too many pills to try and help him relax. The combination of the pills and an insomnia induced depression may have pushed him over the edge.

Then again, one of my minor grips with RO was his poor sleep habits. "I can drink coffee at night. Caffine doesn't affect me." He always believed in mind over matter. He believed that his will power would allow him to motor though any obstacle.

We all have limits.

RO most briefly called me today. Last month he bought tickets to a commidenne that's performing this weekend. He called me up, barked at me that I had to take care of the tickets, asked if I heard him, then hung up.

 

I don't have much news about RO. His daughter has texted me some occasional updates. She says he seems like he is in a better place today.

I've been mulling over my own place in all of this. Of course I don't hold myself responsible for this. RO's attempted suicide is another symptom of a problem he has-- the way he escalates, pushes or throws a tantrum until he gets what he wants. No compromise. Maybe an apology for loosing his cool 

Of course he wasn't always like that. Usually I liked being around him.

 I still feel sorry for him. I don't hate the man. I left him because I wasn't happy in our relationship. Because for the first time since I was a teenager, I wanted to be alone. I can be happy alone. Solitude is nice.

Perhaps this will change in the future. For now it works.

A few people have mentioned that RO still isn't clear why I left him. They have suggested I write him a letter. I'm starting that now. In these circumstances, it's difficult to write a Dear John letter.

I know we've talked about why I left him several times. Aside from he above there were money problems and drinking problems. We have talked about all of these. But, he has a way of ignoring what I say, or turning it into  a punch list of things he has to fix to repair our relationship.…

"You want me to get a job?"

"Yeah, you need a job. You need a real source of income, and the store won't cut it. "

"After I get a job, then can I  to ask you out on a date."

"Don't do that. Do it for yourself."

"Then you didn't leave me because I don't have a job."

I will write a letter to RO. I will tell him why I left him. I will work with his daughter to make sure I time it to do more help than harm.

RO tried to overdose last night. Someone called 911. He is in the hospital now. He will be fine, the drugs are working their way out of his system.

Steven, plus RO's daughter, Lynn and I spent time with him this today. When we got there he was intubated and unconscious.

Over the course of the day he drifted in and out of consciousness. Finally in the early afternoon he woke up enough that he could communicate. He signed that he wanted me to leave.

I didn't know that RO knows the sign language alphabet.

Steven and I left, but have kept in touch with his daughter. Currently RO is awake and talking.  He is angry. He is also upset that he saw me. He wants to go home.

Apparently RO texted many people loving goodbyes before he took the drugs. He wanted lots of people to know.  

In many ways, the real work starts now. When you try to take your life, there are consequences; for him, for us.

I know that I should let this go. That this I not my battle.

His family has been very supportive. RO's daughter has been great.

Lets see what tomorrow brings.

Steven and l had dinner with his niece and her boyfriend. It was a nice quiet meal.

Steven didn't get the job that he interviewed for. he is in good sprits, but there is a little less spring in his step than usual. pull though it buddy

I've been out of the house for a month now. The separating is proceeding, though slowly. RO is looking for a new place. Hopefully I can move back by Feb.

Staying with Steven is nice. It' become a good second home here.

Good bye Toronto. I had a great trip. I've seen many dear old friends. I've ate way too much food. Between a New Years Eve perogie party, and an endless New Years day brunch, I did nothing but eat and sleep for the first 24 hours of 2015.
 

So much fun. So many good people. Too bad about the cold.

Now back to Seattle.

A big  economic trend in cow shit valley (as a local author has lovingly dubbed my home valley) is the consolidation of farms. Small family farms are going away. They are slowly being bought out and folded into big farms.

When dad and the uncles get together, they frequently talk about farm robots and automation. They have a strong mistrust of the robots, but have to concede that they are necessary for the big farms… if you could do most of the maintenance yourself , and figure out how to convince a bank to loan you a million dollars to automate, then a big farm may be the way to go.  That is if you want to farm, and I don’t. I’d love to see some of the robots up close though.

Take a look…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--e_AOeOC4s#t=43

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D7xc45LyhoU#t=28

The life of J…

J's mother was my cousin. I guess that makes J my first cousin once removed.

J's mother committed suicide.

A month layer J was in a horrible car accident. J is now paralyzed and mentally retarded. Her father was also badly hurt. 

That was four years ago. J can now scoot around a little bit in her wheel chair. She can use a special keyboard to speak out her thoughts.

My brother and his wife visit J regularly. They have fun with her. They give some meaning to her life.

I deeply respect my brother for doing this. I don't know if I could do the same.

It's Christmas. This morning, after breakfast, mother was looking at her calendar. "Is it the 25th today?" she asked.

"Yes."

"Oh. It's Christmas. Merry Christmas."

Dementia is starting to affect mom. Her short term memory is going. Dates and commitments slip past her. To help, she has started keeping a daily calendar.

Then there are the meat balls. This Saturday is the big family Christmas Potluck. Mom is to bring meatballs. Two or three times over the past few days she has suddenly remembered that she needs to buy meat balls. She has got into arguments with dad, reminding him to bring her to the store to pick up meatballs.

Last night dad asked me to look in the fridge. It's full of meatballs.

Most of the time mom is perfectly normal. But something about future social engagements sets her off, makes her anxious, makes her heart race, makes her forget things.

I see that my faults are echo's of my mothers. Her faults are an order of magnitude worse than mine. At the core, we share the same weaknesses. It's like I'm getting a preview of my old age.

Dad is patiently by her side the whole time. He calms her. He helps her through her spells.

I wonder how he is. He is a very quiet man who very rarely talks about his feelings.

I'm at my parents now. It's quaint and quiet. Snow covers the ground. It's a great little getaway.

Clem & Bates got married yesterday. The wedding was on a train headed south to our sister city of Portland. Clem & Bates have been railroaders for years, decades even. The railway is special to them.

 

Since C&B have lived together for over twenty years, we pestered them with many newly web jokes-- "Are you sure you are not rushing into this decision?" "After you marry a man, he may do something unspeakable to your body."

It was very sweet. C&B have been roll models for many couples around us. Mostly they teach that people learn and grow. Relationships must learn and grow with the couple. Holding someone back because that's the way they were on the wedding date, is not good for anyone.

RO and I… I have next to me the dissolution agreement. It lists our assets and our debts, and who gets what, and who is responsible for what.  Going over it is painful for RO.

In fact, RO asked me, that if he got his life together, could he ask me out on a date? I urged him to let go. That I'm happy being single.

So the document isn't hard on me. I'll take on some debt as the cost of separating. But, I can pay it off in a few years. Better the debt that staying deeply involved with a business that needs so much time and that I have so little passion for. As Tommy said, you have to listen to the voice in your gut.

It's 7 in the morning on Saturday. Early. And I've slept in. I've been getting up at 6 for the past two weeks. With my new, temporary home,  the early hours let me avoid traffic on the way to work.

I think I like getting up early. It's quiet. It let's me get ready for the day without rushing. Enjoy a cup of coffee. Read a little.

Steven gave me a gift, a copy of "More Language of Letting Go" The books wants to help us let go of codependent tendencies, and cultivate healthy balanced relationships. I read the daily essay every morning. Today's essay was on the value of keeping a journal. And now hear I am…

Clem & Bates are getting married this weekend. They tactfully uninvited RO & I from the wedding. I actually agree with their request. RO and I can be very emotionally raw right now. These are our problems and they have no business interfering with Clem & Bates's wedding.

RO and I chatted a bit after that. We reached an agreement-- RO would go to the Bachelor party. I'd go the wedding. C&B liked that idea, so we will both be able to spend time with them this weekend.

Bachelor party-- Clem and Bates have been together for twenty years. But, in two days they will no longer be single in the eyes of the law.

RO and I still have a long way to go to untangle our lives. Right now the plan is that I live with Steven until RO finds an apartment. That should happen in a few weeks. RO has a lot to decide. The store was never really profitable, so I'm wary of him continuing on with that. At the same time he is very resistant to getting a job.

In "More Language of Letting Go" the author states the value of keeping a journal is that you can explore your goals, track them, and see how you are making progress to them. Very business like.

So, what are my goals? Very simple now. Untangle my life from RO. Pay down my debts. Move back home and fix up the house a little. After that I don't know.

 

The neighbor at C2's cabin is actually very nice. Far more restrained than she comes across in email.  We've talked a little.

Mostly I'm just watching the tide go out. The view is very peaceful.

I haven't talked or texted RO in about 48 hours. This is my choice. A few friends have recommended this to us as fastest way to getting to the new normal.

I'm actually enjoying myself. I've spent a little more time working this week, but that has allowed me to get ahead of my work worries.

I don't watch TV now. I've also stopped drinking. Those two activities have freed up more time and energy.

This weekend I'm going away to C2's vacation cabin. I wanted some time alone. I'm also a little worried that if I stay in the city then I'll spend my first weekend as a new single man cruising for sex on the internet. The cabin will give me a place to collect my thoughts and plan a little.

C2 informed the neighbor that I would at his cabin and is paying her to clean a little and give me a key. She is uh... interesting...

C2's email...
>>>>>> Neighbor,
>>>>>> BC (a friend) will be at the place this weekend as well.  I'm just
>>>>>> trying to ensure someone is there.  If you need to be at work, please say
>>>>>> so.

The Neighbor...
>>>>>> That’s wonderful..I am excited to have someone to talk to...lol You want me to get him a few paper plates and
>>>>>> solo cups?  I have a few extra pans I can take down there..I want him to be
>>>>>> comfortable..What time will he be arriving..I will leave key under the mat
>>>>>> downstairs for him?  I will get him some soap and shampoo?

Later on...
> Sorry I know I am a pain in the rear end..May I buy dishwasher
> detergent?  When I go to thrift store tomorrow I am going to buy a few
> cheap kitchen supplies if that’s ok,  hand held can opener? Maybe a
> couple baking dishes just in case?  I will be very thrifty..They are
> only going to be a few dollars and a few pieces of silverware and
> spatula etc if they appear brandnew?  I am just trying to make it easy
> on your friends cause to go back to town for a few items 10 miles up[
> and back..will not be very relaxing for them..Unless you think you
> have a few kitchen supplies in spare room?
> I promise this is last email..

This weekend away may not be as away as I hope.

> Hmmm.... my dear friend, does this speak of a transition or just time to re-group

This is a time of transition.

It's hard on RO. He's not taking this well. At the same time, he's too stubborn to reach out for help or compromise on what he thinks is the right solution-- me by his side, helping him through all his problems. This stubbornness is one of the reasons I left. But he is not capable of hearing that right now. His guard is way up.

I've spending some time away from RO. This is bitter sweet. No plans yet. Am sleeping in Steven's spare room.