My husband and I are in Park City for a few days of snow sports. It's quiet this year. There isn't much snow so there aren't many tourists. We are really enjoying ourselves. Fewer tourists makes it easy for us to get around, go to restaurants or ski on the few hills that are open.

My little brother reached out. He said he was ashamed and afraid to do this and then asked me to loan him $40,000.00.  Due to a series of emergencies, he is way behind on his credit cards and is struggling to make ends meet.

I said a polite 'No.' I didn't feel guilty or awkward doing so. I may have said yes if he had asked for $1000. It was easy to refuse $40,000.

This is the fourth time that I know of that he's needed a large bailout. More than money, he needs some sort of impulse control, or discipline. 

The next night my husband and I spent an hour talking with him, trying to understand what's going on. His reasons are many and varied. Sometimes it was willful ignorance. Sometimes he wanted to be the hero and help someone out. Sometimes it was plain old stupidity. 

My husband suggested that there may be a little mental illness behind this. Such carelessness spanning so many years speaks to deeper problems. 

I'm thinking back to my post on how to deal with those politically radicalized. The same lessons apply though it's difficult for me in this situation. Build the relationship. Listen. Don't rush to fix or advise. My husband is great here-- speaking with empathy to those who have made the same irrational choices again, and again. Don't correct. Don't lecture. Don't shame. The rooms of AA have taught him well. 

I will call my brother regularly and be a friend.