I had another hearing on the assault charges. Everything is going so slowly.

Last week, the prosecutor had not turned over a copy of the evidence to my lawyer. At my pretrial hearing, my lawyer tried to have the case dismissed on that basis.

The prosecutor didn't even show up to argue. A poor para-legal was there trying to answer the questions. The file she had only contained copies of my lawyers request for the evidence.

The judge gave the prosecutor 3 days to turn over a copy of the evidence.

Of course, two and a half days later we finally received the copy.

We meet tomorrow to go over the evidence package in detail.

I did have a great weekend. The weather here is very nice. C2 is in town for a few days. Also, our new roommate, Browne, just arrived. He's a very nice guy.

Despite all the trouble dealing with RO, I really like how things are turning out.

This is the view from my bedroom window. I have remind myself that no matter how bad this year has been, that I still am very well off. I live with a good friend.  I have a great job. I will be ok. No one should feel sorry for me.

Steven has a job. Not only does he have a job, but he has a very well paying job and he really likes the people he will be working with. This is great news.
 
2015 has been very bad year for both of us, until now.  

RO had a small heart attack last night. He is ok, but he will be in the hospital for a few days

We were negotiating our separation contract. He didn't like what I proposed and we argued via txt message. A few hours later I got a txt from Boone that he drove RO to the hospital with chest pains.

The Wind...

Last Thursday's dinner with Behr & BitBehr was very nice. It was good to catch up with them. Much has happened in the years since we last spoke.

For a while, we talked about drug and alcohol use in the gay community. It's far more common than I'd like. Steven even spoke a little about his drug use, it's beginnings and what pushed him to treatment.

I can only speculate why drug and alcohol problems are so common around me. I suspect it's because this crowd has nothing to care for other than themselves. With no children, all our money earned is spent entertaining ourselves and finding the next hot guy to have sex with. This can be a very selfish life and unless you are careful, very self destructive.

I'm visiting C2's cabin on Hood Canal. For lunch I stopped by a little lake to eat in the sun. As I sat and watched the lake, I saw patches of little ripples. The ripples would appear in an area, shift, grow and subside. Sort of like how a cloud changes shape.

Over time I noticed that I'd feel a slight breeze when the ripples were by me. It donned on me that the ripples were caused by the faintest eddies of the breeze. I was watching the wind.

After a while the sun hid behind the clouds and the breeze picked up. I finished my lunch and left.

C2's cabin is quiet. It offers me time to contemplate, to read a little, to write a little.

Cell phone coverage is spotty, though wi-fi is good.

Soon the sun will hid behind the hills. I'm going out to enjoy.

I have my clothing. This makes me happy.

When I moved out, I didn't bring much with me-- a few t shirts. A few long sleeve shirts, some jeans, underwear and toiletries. That was it. It was very minimalist. For the past three months, it worked, but I had to do small loads of laundry a few times a week.

It's been difficult to get back. With the no-contact order I can't even get within 500 feet of my house.

I finally got Boone to bag up all my clothing. We met last night and handed it off.

There is nothing new to report on my charges. When we met for pretrial, the prosecutor had not yet given my lawyer a copy of the evidence. In fact the prosecutor showed up at the court with no files at all. Somehow they were misplaced. Now everything is delayed by a month.

I'm starting to re-establish contact with my old friends. I lost touch with many people while RO and I were together. I knew RO wasn't beloved, but I didn't dwell to much on the details. I was fine not going out.

BitBear thanked God for the excorcism when he heard about our separation. That surprised me. BitBear is usually calm and quiet and I didn't think he ever talked much to RO.

I have to walk a careful line here. RO has known for a long time that many of my friends stopped talking to me while we were together. Part of him wants to think that this is because people (me included) are saying cruel things about him behind his back. He doesn't realize how combative and overbearing he sometimes is.

I spent the night in jail. Now, How did this happen…

RO and I met to talk about our separation contract. RO started to get belligerent and took a few swings at me. I tried to leave but he blocked the way. I held him at bay for about 10 minutes. I didn't know how else to end it, so I took a good swing and pushed him down.

I stayed around to make sure he was OK. He started talking and swearing at me. So I  left.
We both called 911.
The police came and we chatted for a while. I'm not sure why took me and not RO. So, I spent the night in jail.
At my arraignment, I was charged with 4th degree assault and released without bail.
On my way out, the jailer joked with me "Before you go telling anyone any I-did-hard-time stories, let me tell you that you spent the night in the nicest jail in the county, and that 4th degree assault is not a felony. "
I never felt unsafe the whole time was there. Worried but not unsafe. My cell had 11 other people in it. Everyone was clean and well kept. When I entered the cell, they quickly figured out I was new to this whole process. One of them helped me set up my cot. Then he gave me a short speech on cleanliness. There were no janitors there so, everyone had to help keep things clean.
The cot was not comfortable.
This is not something I want to go through again. But, kudos to the staff and inmates.
Now. More later on what I've learned from this.

But wait, there's more....

Steven's potential job is in Los Angeles not Louisiana. Sorry for the confusion Tommy.

But wait… At the interview Steven was informed that the Seattle manager was interested in taking the Los Angeles position, opening up a position for Steven in Seattle.

Anyways, Steven passed the first round of interviews. Hopefully he will land the next round as well.

I am out at he Hood Canal this weekend at C2's cabin. C2 owns two places right next to each other. One he rents out. One he keeps for himself and friends.

This morning I was talking to C2 via Skype on a tablet. I walked around the property with the tablet so C2 could see how the place is holding up. 

While I was walking with the tablet, I happened upon the tenet. She was very excited. She had quit her job and was opening up a thrift store. C2 let out a long groan. He has a long history of tenants who loose their job and then stop paying rent. One of the things he liked up about this current tenant was that she had a good stable job.

Oh well.

On the RO front, RO is becoming very angry. I'm not sure how to handle this. I listen to him vent at me. He has no friends now. Hopefully venting at me is more constructive and helpful than bottling it up.

 

Off the rails...

Steven is losing his lease on our current place at the end of Feb.

Today we put a deposit on a nice place. It's a bit expensive, but it has lots of space and we can easily bring in a roommate or two.

Steven has no job. Today he got an interview for a job in LA. The hiring manager told him no other candidate is being interviewed for that position.

Leaving RO and moving away has let me take stock of my life. Lately I've been thinking about the friends that I've lost contact with. Some of my friends had ongoing arguments with RO. Over time they stopped talking to us.

Some moved away. Job changes. New boyfriends.

Some a bit of both.

I'd like to catch up with some of them.

I had dinner with RO. We fought. We didn't concluded the fight. It was a polite fight, but I didn't give up in frustration or go silent. Afterwards I got the following from RO's daughter...

Hi BC. I heard you and dad had dinner and a good talk. There aren't words I can say to express how happy I am that he is healing in his mind, body and soul. You are helping make that possible in every way and I am so very grateful. You are a kind and generous man, and my father is lucky to have live and loved with you. Thank you for taking the time to talk with him tonight. Speaking openly with you is something that is helping him move on in more ways than one. I hope that you are doing well, and that you know that you can call and ask me for anything that you might need help with (although it seems that you have it under control). Love and big hugs to you! 

I responded...

Thanks. I would like your advice. I worry that when I spend time with RO he gets more attached and more depressed. So your feedback is welcome.  If he is getting better then great

But please let me know

 She answered back...

It was as if he understood things clearly for the first time tonight. That you didn't end the relationship to hurt anyone, that it was just what you needed to do for yourself. He really seemed like he was in a good place. Almost as if he felt weight lifted off of him. I hope you felt good after your talk, too. I would definitely let you know if he was getting more depressed or acting out of character again.

This is good. It's also given me food for thought-- that there are times where a dangling argument is healthy. Not giving in. Not in the winning. Not in consensus. Sometimes it's good for two people to disagree and to know they disagree and for each to know that the other won't sway. 

More than once people have pointed out that I "avoid conflict." Of course I've thought. There is nothing wrong with that. Get together with them. Talk it out. Make a choice. More often that it should, this strategy just means I avoid people and issues.

Now there is a third way. You may not need to decide that one position is right and one position is wrong. Both of of you are free to go your own way.

I'm in my mid 40's and a manager of a big team at a large company. Yet, in the past month I've learnt more about interpersonal relations that I have in 40 years and have become very aware of how much I have yet to learn. 

I'm spending the weekend at C2's cabin on the Hood Canal. It's a nice getaway.

Dad is on an antibiotic drip. He may be so for weeks.

Some how he got a bacterial infection in his foot. It's now swollen and painful. He is in good spirits and sounds fine but he must rest while the antibiotic works its course.

At work I'm struggling with an employee. He is very smart, but he is also difficult to work with. He frequently sees management (Not sure if I'm included) as some sort of 'them' that makes his life miserable due to their poor choices.  This attitude makes it difficult for me to allow him to work with people who don't know how he operates. When he is exposed to any cross team initiative that runs into any problem he loudly calls out someone for not thinking though the plan.

I struggle with my responsibilities here.  He frequently barks the most on topics where I know the team is  weak. Am I afraid that he is exposing my flaws? I could put more effort into thinking through the plans.  Is it reasonable for me to expect him to help? Maybe the answer is both.

I am away for the weekend at C2's cabin on the Hood Canal.

There is no TV or cell phone here. There cabin is secluded and there is very little to do near by. But, it has good WiFi. So, it's easy to fall into the trap of surfing the internet.

There are some local trails that I will check out. Just as soon as I finish watching a little more Netflix.

RO and I talked last night. He's a little angry at me now and not as depressed. I guess that's progress.

M says he tried to OD again, but M noticed and got him to throw the drugs up. RO has no drugs now. Well, he has a three day supply of a special type of sleeping pill.

A few of us have concluded that RO doesn't really want to die. He wants attention and is too tired, drugged up and self centered to deal with that in a healthy way.

For the last two nights RO has behaved.

He has lost a lot of weight. Thirty pounds. He is seeing a counselor and a doctor.

I went over last night to discuss the separation contract. Boone, RO and I also ate dinner together and watched a movie; A Walk in the Tombstones.

He shakes when I touch him, and easily breaks down into tears. On the other hand, he's a grown man. Why does he have no coping skills? I want to scream at him "Pick yourself up! Build yourself a life! You've got a place to sleep. You've got food to eat! All on my dime. You are not the first man whose heart was broken, and you won't be the last. You're problems  are so trivial in the big scheme of things. Your friends can't bail you out forever. So, pick yourself up."

A crisis of no sleep.

RO is being let out of the hospital. The doctors have concluded that his behavior was brought on by a crisis of no sleep.

One of the nice things about living with Steven for a while is that he lives two blocks away from a nice little home-made ice cream store.

Seeing me with a tub of chocolate ice cream he asked "Are you medicating your feelings with that?"

"Whatever I'm feeling I'm adding ice cream to it."

We both shared a few scoops.

Steven frequently sees the world through the eyes of someone recovering from addiction and codependence. Simple things sometimes are signs of a deeper problem. Or maybe not. Either way it provokes discussion.

I talked to RO's daughter today. She said the he said that he is glad that he's alive. There may be something medical behind is attempt. Apparently he was only sleeping an hour or two a night and had a doctor who gave him too many pills to try and help him relax. The combination of the pills and an insomnia induced depression may have pushed him over the edge.

Then again, one of my minor grips with RO was his poor sleep habits. "I can drink coffee at night. Caffine doesn't affect me." He always believed in mind over matter. He believed that his will power would allow him to motor though any obstacle.

We all have limits.

RO most briefly called me today. Last month he bought tickets to a commidenne that's performing this weekend. He called me up, barked at me that I had to take care of the tickets, asked if I heard him, then hung up.

 

I don't have much news about RO. His daughter has texted me some occasional updates. She says he seems like he is in a better place today.

I've been mulling over my own place in all of this. Of course I don't hold myself responsible for this. RO's attempted suicide is another symptom of a problem he has-- the way he escalates, pushes or throws a tantrum until he gets what he wants. No compromise. Maybe an apology for loosing his cool 

Of course he wasn't always like that. Usually I liked being around him.

 I still feel sorry for him. I don't hate the man. I left him because I wasn't happy in our relationship. Because for the first time since I was a teenager, I wanted to be alone. I can be happy alone. Solitude is nice.

Perhaps this will change in the future. For now it works.

A few people have mentioned that RO still isn't clear why I left him. They have suggested I write him a letter. I'm starting that now. In these circumstances, it's difficult to write a Dear John letter.

I know we've talked about why I left him several times. Aside from he above there were money problems and drinking problems. We have talked about all of these. But, he has a way of ignoring what I say, or turning it into  a punch list of things he has to fix to repair our relationship.…

"You want me to get a job?"

"Yeah, you need a job. You need a real source of income, and the store won't cut it. "

"After I get a job, then can I  to ask you out on a date."

"Don't do that. Do it for yourself."

"Then you didn't leave me because I don't have a job."

I will write a letter to RO. I will tell him why I left him. I will work with his daughter to make sure I time it to do more help than harm.

RO tried to overdose last night. Someone called 911. He is in the hospital now. He will be fine, the drugs are working their way out of his system.

Steven, plus RO's daughter, Lynn and I spent time with him this today. When we got there he was intubated and unconscious.

Over the course of the day he drifted in and out of consciousness. Finally in the early afternoon he woke up enough that he could communicate. He signed that he wanted me to leave.

I didn't know that RO knows the sign language alphabet.

Steven and I left, but have kept in touch with his daughter. Currently RO is awake and talking.  He is angry. He is also upset that he saw me. He wants to go home.

Apparently RO texted many people loving goodbyes before he took the drugs. He wanted lots of people to know.  

In many ways, the real work starts now. When you try to take your life, there are consequences; for him, for us.

I know that I should let this go. That this I not my battle.

His family has been very supportive. RO's daughter has been great.

Lets see what tomorrow brings.

Steven and l had dinner with his niece and her boyfriend. It was a nice quiet meal.

Steven didn't get the job that he interviewed for. he is in good sprits, but there is a little less spring in his step than usual. pull though it buddy