Leaving RO and moving away has let me take stock of my life. Lately I've been thinking about the friends that I've lost contact with. Some of my friends had ongoing arguments with RO. Over time they stopped talking to us.

Some moved away. Job changes. New boyfriends.

Some a bit of both.

I'd like to catch up with some of them.

I had dinner with RO. We fought. We didn't concluded the fight. It was a polite fight, but I didn't give up in frustration or go silent. Afterwards I got the following from RO's daughter...

Hi BC. I heard you and dad had dinner and a good talk. There aren't words I can say to express how happy I am that he is healing in his mind, body and soul. You are helping make that possible in every way and I am so very grateful. You are a kind and generous man, and my father is lucky to have live and loved with you. Thank you for taking the time to talk with him tonight. Speaking openly with you is something that is helping him move on in more ways than one. I hope that you are doing well, and that you know that you can call and ask me for anything that you might need help with (although it seems that you have it under control). Love and big hugs to you! 

I responded...

Thanks. I would like your advice. I worry that when I spend time with RO he gets more attached and more depressed. So your feedback is welcome.  If he is getting better then great

But please let me know

 She answered back...

It was as if he understood things clearly for the first time tonight. That you didn't end the relationship to hurt anyone, that it was just what you needed to do for yourself. He really seemed like he was in a good place. Almost as if he felt weight lifted off of him. I hope you felt good after your talk, too. I would definitely let you know if he was getting more depressed or acting out of character again.

This is good. It's also given me food for thought-- that there are times where a dangling argument is healthy. Not giving in. Not in the winning. Not in consensus. Sometimes it's good for two people to disagree and to know they disagree and for each to know that the other won't sway. 

More than once people have pointed out that I "avoid conflict." Of course I've thought. There is nothing wrong with that. Get together with them. Talk it out. Make a choice. More often that it should, this strategy just means I avoid people and issues.

Now there is a third way. You may not need to decide that one position is right and one position is wrong. Both of of you are free to go your own way.

I'm in my mid 40's and a manager of a big team at a large company. Yet, in the past month I've learnt more about interpersonal relations that I have in 40 years and have become very aware of how much I have yet to learn. 

I'm spending the weekend at C2's cabin on the Hood Canal. It's a nice getaway.

Dad is on an antibiotic drip. He may be so for weeks.

Some how he got a bacterial infection in his foot. It's now swollen and painful. He is in good spirits and sounds fine but he must rest while the antibiotic works its course.

At work I'm struggling with an employee. He is very smart, but he is also difficult to work with. He frequently sees management (Not sure if I'm included) as some sort of 'them' that makes his life miserable due to their poor choices.  This attitude makes it difficult for me to allow him to work with people who don't know how he operates. When he is exposed to any cross team initiative that runs into any problem he loudly calls out someone for not thinking though the plan.

I struggle with my responsibilities here.  He frequently barks the most on topics where I know the team is  weak. Am I afraid that he is exposing my flaws? I could put more effort into thinking through the plans.  Is it reasonable for me to expect him to help? Maybe the answer is both.

I am away for the weekend at C2's cabin on the Hood Canal.

There is no TV or cell phone here. There cabin is secluded and there is very little to do near by. But, it has good WiFi. So, it's easy to fall into the trap of surfing the internet.

There are some local trails that I will check out. Just as soon as I finish watching a little more Netflix.

RO and I talked last night. He's a little angry at me now and not as depressed. I guess that's progress.

M says he tried to OD again, but M noticed and got him to throw the drugs up. RO has no drugs now. Well, he has a three day supply of a special type of sleeping pill.

A few of us have concluded that RO doesn't really want to die. He wants attention and is too tired, drugged up and self centered to deal with that in a healthy way.

For the last two nights RO has behaved.

He has lost a lot of weight. Thirty pounds. He is seeing a counselor and a doctor.

I went over last night to discuss the separation contract. Boone, RO and I also ate dinner together and watched a movie; A Walk in the Tombstones.

He shakes when I touch him, and easily breaks down into tears. On the other hand, he's a grown man. Why does he have no coping skills? I want to scream at him "Pick yourself up! Build yourself a life! You've got a place to sleep. You've got food to eat! All on my dime. You are not the first man whose heart was broken, and you won't be the last. You're problems  are so trivial in the big scheme of things. Your friends can't bail you out forever. So, pick yourself up."

A crisis of no sleep.

RO is being let out of the hospital. The doctors have concluded that his behavior was brought on by a crisis of no sleep.

One of the nice things about living with Steven for a while is that he lives two blocks away from a nice little home-made ice cream store.

Seeing me with a tub of chocolate ice cream he asked "Are you medicating your feelings with that?"

"Whatever I'm feeling I'm adding ice cream to it."

We both shared a few scoops.

Steven frequently sees the world through the eyes of someone recovering from addiction and codependence. Simple things sometimes are signs of a deeper problem. Or maybe not. Either way it provokes discussion.

I talked to RO's daughter today. She said the he said that he is glad that he's alive. There may be something medical behind is attempt. Apparently he was only sleeping an hour or two a night and had a doctor who gave him too many pills to try and help him relax. The combination of the pills and an insomnia induced depression may have pushed him over the edge.

Then again, one of my minor grips with RO was his poor sleep habits. "I can drink coffee at night. Caffine doesn't affect me." He always believed in mind over matter. He believed that his will power would allow him to motor though any obstacle.

We all have limits.

RO most briefly called me today. Last month he bought tickets to a commidenne that's performing this weekend. He called me up, barked at me that I had to take care of the tickets, asked if I heard him, then hung up.

 

I don't have much news about RO. His daughter has texted me some occasional updates. She says he seems like he is in a better place today.

I've been mulling over my own place in all of this. Of course I don't hold myself responsible for this. RO's attempted suicide is another symptom of a problem he has-- the way he escalates, pushes or throws a tantrum until he gets what he wants. No compromise. Maybe an apology for loosing his cool 

Of course he wasn't always like that. Usually I liked being around him.

 I still feel sorry for him. I don't hate the man. I left him because I wasn't happy in our relationship. Because for the first time since I was a teenager, I wanted to be alone. I can be happy alone. Solitude is nice.

Perhaps this will change in the future. For now it works.

A few people have mentioned that RO still isn't clear why I left him. They have suggested I write him a letter. I'm starting that now. In these circumstances, it's difficult to write a Dear John letter.

I know we've talked about why I left him several times. Aside from he above there were money problems and drinking problems. We have talked about all of these. But, he has a way of ignoring what I say, or turning it into  a punch list of things he has to fix to repair our relationship.…

"You want me to get a job?"

"Yeah, you need a job. You need a real source of income, and the store won't cut it. "

"After I get a job, then can I  to ask you out on a date."

"Don't do that. Do it for yourself."

"Then you didn't leave me because I don't have a job."

I will write a letter to RO. I will tell him why I left him. I will work with his daughter to make sure I time it to do more help than harm.

RO tried to overdose last night. Someone called 911. He is in the hospital now. He will be fine, the drugs are working their way out of his system.

Steven, plus RO's daughter, Lynn and I spent time with him this today. When we got there he was intubated and unconscious.

Over the course of the day he drifted in and out of consciousness. Finally in the early afternoon he woke up enough that he could communicate. He signed that he wanted me to leave.

I didn't know that RO knows the sign language alphabet.

Steven and I left, but have kept in touch with his daughter. Currently RO is awake and talking.  He is angry. He is also upset that he saw me. He wants to go home.

Apparently RO texted many people loving goodbyes before he took the drugs. He wanted lots of people to know.  

In many ways, the real work starts now. When you try to take your life, there are consequences; for him, for us.

I know that I should let this go. That this I not my battle.

His family has been very supportive. RO's daughter has been great.

Lets see what tomorrow brings.

Steven and l had dinner with his niece and her boyfriend. It was a nice quiet meal.

Steven didn't get the job that he interviewed for. he is in good sprits, but there is a little less spring in his step than usual. pull though it buddy

I've been out of the house for a month now. The separating is proceeding, though slowly. RO is looking for a new place. Hopefully I can move back by Feb.

Staying with Steven is nice. It' become a good second home here.

Good bye Toronto. I had a great trip. I've seen many dear old friends. I've ate way too much food. Between a New Years Eve perogie party, and an endless New Years day brunch, I did nothing but eat and sleep for the first 24 hours of 2015.
 

So much fun. So many good people. Too bad about the cold.

Now back to Seattle.

A big  economic trend in cow shit valley (as a local author has lovingly dubbed my home valley) is the consolidation of farms. Small family farms are going away. They are slowly being bought out and folded into big farms.

When dad and the uncles get together, they frequently talk about farm robots and automation. They have a strong mistrust of the robots, but have to concede that they are necessary for the big farms… if you could do most of the maintenance yourself , and figure out how to convince a bank to loan you a million dollars to automate, then a big farm may be the way to go.  That is if you want to farm, and I don’t. I’d love to see some of the robots up close though.

Take a look…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--e_AOeOC4s#t=43

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D7xc45LyhoU#t=28

The life of J…

J's mother was my cousin. I guess that makes J my first cousin once removed.

J's mother committed suicide.

A month layer J was in a horrible car accident. J is now paralyzed and mentally retarded. Her father was also badly hurt. 

That was four years ago. J can now scoot around a little bit in her wheel chair. She can use a special keyboard to speak out her thoughts.

My brother and his wife visit J regularly. They have fun with her. They give some meaning to her life.

I deeply respect my brother for doing this. I don't know if I could do the same.

It's Christmas. This morning, after breakfast, mother was looking at her calendar. "Is it the 25th today?" she asked.

"Yes."

"Oh. It's Christmas. Merry Christmas."

Dementia is starting to affect mom. Her short term memory is going. Dates and commitments slip past her. To help, she has started keeping a daily calendar.

Then there are the meat balls. This Saturday is the big family Christmas Potluck. Mom is to bring meatballs. Two or three times over the past few days she has suddenly remembered that she needs to buy meat balls. She has got into arguments with dad, reminding him to bring her to the store to pick up meatballs.

Last night dad asked me to look in the fridge. It's full of meatballs.

Most of the time mom is perfectly normal. But something about future social engagements sets her off, makes her anxious, makes her heart race, makes her forget things.

I see that my faults are echo's of my mothers. Her faults are an order of magnitude worse than mine. At the core, we share the same weaknesses. It's like I'm getting a preview of my old age.

Dad is patiently by her side the whole time. He calms her. He helps her through her spells.

I wonder how he is. He is a very quiet man who very rarely talks about his feelings.

I'm at my parents now. It's quaint and quiet. Snow covers the ground. It's a great little getaway.

Clem & Bates got married yesterday. The wedding was on a train headed south to our sister city of Portland. Clem & Bates have been railroaders for years, decades even. The railway is special to them.

 

Since C&B have lived together for over twenty years, we pestered them with many newly web jokes-- "Are you sure you are not rushing into this decision?" "After you marry a man, he may do something unspeakable to your body."

It was very sweet. C&B have been roll models for many couples around us. Mostly they teach that people learn and grow. Relationships must learn and grow with the couple. Holding someone back because that's the way they were on the wedding date, is not good for anyone.

RO and I… I have next to me the dissolution agreement. It lists our assets and our debts, and who gets what, and who is responsible for what.  Going over it is painful for RO.

In fact, RO asked me, that if he got his life together, could he ask me out on a date? I urged him to let go. That I'm happy being single.

So the document isn't hard on me. I'll take on some debt as the cost of separating. But, I can pay it off in a few years. Better the debt that staying deeply involved with a business that needs so much time and that I have so little passion for. As Tommy said, you have to listen to the voice in your gut.

It's 7 in the morning on Saturday. Early. And I've slept in. I've been getting up at 6 for the past two weeks. With my new, temporary home,  the early hours let me avoid traffic on the way to work.

I think I like getting up early. It's quiet. It let's me get ready for the day without rushing. Enjoy a cup of coffee. Read a little.

Steven gave me a gift, a copy of "More Language of Letting Go" The books wants to help us let go of codependent tendencies, and cultivate healthy balanced relationships. I read the daily essay every morning. Today's essay was on the value of keeping a journal. And now hear I am…

Clem & Bates are getting married this weekend. They tactfully uninvited RO & I from the wedding. I actually agree with their request. RO and I can be very emotionally raw right now. These are our problems and they have no business interfering with Clem & Bates's wedding.

RO and I chatted a bit after that. We reached an agreement-- RO would go to the Bachelor party. I'd go the wedding. C&B liked that idea, so we will both be able to spend time with them this weekend.

Bachelor party-- Clem and Bates have been together for twenty years. But, in two days they will no longer be single in the eyes of the law.

RO and I still have a long way to go to untangle our lives. Right now the plan is that I live with Steven until RO finds an apartment. That should happen in a few weeks. RO has a lot to decide. The store was never really profitable, so I'm wary of him continuing on with that. At the same time he is very resistant to getting a job.

In "More Language of Letting Go" the author states the value of keeping a journal is that you can explore your goals, track them, and see how you are making progress to them. Very business like.

So, what are my goals? Very simple now. Untangle my life from RO. Pay down my debts. Move back home and fix up the house a little. After that I don't know.

 

The neighbor at C2's cabin is actually very nice. Far more restrained than she comes across in email.  We've talked a little.

Mostly I'm just watching the tide go out. The view is very peaceful.