My husband and I are in Chicago for the weekend. He’s here for work. I’m here to wander.

For as long as I’ve known him, my husband has been sober. He’s in the program. So I was surprised when he said that years ago, when he lived in Chicago, he was in the depths of addiction.

This trip, he said, was a way to build new memories in a city that once held some very hard ones.

There was something quiet and powerful about that—about being allowed to rewrite your past by simply being present in the now. Just walking beside someone you love, and watching a place soften.

He’s been reading my blog lately. He likes where it’s going. He said he’s glad I’m talking through some of this, instead of just keeping it all in my head. Then he made a suggestion—something we might try going forward.

He proposed that we divide our future travel plans into thirds:

• One third with friends
• One third with family
• One third involving some kind of volunteer work

I like that. It doesn’t feel preachy or overly ambitious. A little structure to balance our experiences.

After reading my previous, my husband sent me an old man meme. It read:

“Life humbles you. As you grow old, you stop chasing the big things. Alone time, enough sleep, a good diet, long walks, and quality time with loved ones. Simplicity becomes the ultimate goal.”

Then Tommy wrote me.

“The question that you pose is something on most minds of men from my age to yours. Life should be lived... but few really live it to the fullest. I’m not suggesting it’s all about being gay or being in the clique. It’s an adventure of one’s self—to be fulfilled in ways that make a person happy. I was once asked, ‘Tommy, do you have any regrets?’ I can honestly say I don’t. I created my life. I have lived. And as I slowly go into my 70s, I have no regrets.”

Living life to the fullest—that’s the phrase that keeps coming back. I’m pulled in different directions.

On one side, there’s my family. My father is proud of the fact that he lives well on $30,000 a year. He’s traveled. He eats well. He’s surrounded by friends and extended family. He lives a deeply fulfilling life, and he’s not the only one. Most of my relatives spend their free time hunting or fishing. They take part-time jobs now and then—for extra cash or to help a neighbor. I have a cousin whose dream is to open a home for the elderly. She’s already the de facto caregiver for several elders in the family. She is by no means unfulfilled. I admire her enormously.

And then there’s the other direction: my life.

Opportunities came along, and it felt wrong to turn them down. That’s how I ended up in tech, in the Pacific Northwest. Decades ago, I was offered a job in Seattle. I knew I’d regret not taking it. So I said yes. I left home and friends for something very different.

Sunday night, just before lights out, my husband asked what I was thinking about.

“Hedonism,” I replied.

This wasn’t a joke. It’s been on my mind lately—not just the pursuit of pleasure, but how we are unintentionally building a life around it. The conversation that followed tugged on something in him that we’ll need to explore more. But for me, this line of thought has been simmering for a while.

Saturday night, we hosted a dinner party. It was lovely: good food, good wine, relaxed conversation. A few of our guests are newly retired. They talked about skiing trips and springtime in Greece and Portugal. It was the kind of evening that affirms everything about the life we’ve built.

The next day, we went to a large gay bear pool party. Our hosts have many friends—big, hairy, muscle bears who all show up in full force. We talked about parties, travel, OnlyFans, adventures, and occasionally, drugs. Everyone seemed well-fed, well-groomed, and fully booked.

My husband and I are affluent. Many of our friends are too. As we plan our retirement, our calendars are already filling with travel, new experiences, and what we broadly call “fun.” We even have a shared planning document—travel tabs, household upgrades, health strategy. There’s even a line item labeled: “Something meaningful or spiritual.”

That one’s never fleshed out.

We both love travel. We love food. We love our life. But I know that is not enough.

When I say I’ve been thinking about hedonism, I don’t mean it as a moral panic or an accusation. It’s a word I’m using to name the quiet gravitational pull of our life—a life that’s full of comfort, beauty, and experience. I see around me a more overt sprint toward indulgence—more parties, more stimulation, more next things. Our version is slower, but it’s still tilted toward pleasure, and I’m starting to wonder what gets left out.

There’s a space in the plan we keep skipping. Not because we don’t care, but because we don’t know how to fill it.

I can already hear my friend C2 saying, “No one feels sorry for you. If being of service is important, then what’s stopping you? If it’s not, then stop whining.”

It’s good advice. It’s also exactly the point. What is stopping me?

Maybe it’s guilt. Maybe it’s inertia. Or maybe pleasure is simply easier to schedule than purpose. Booking flights is straightforward. Volunteering or spiritual inquiry takes something fuzzier—an internal commitment, a willingness to show up for something that doesn’t reward you with points or likes or validation.

I don’t have a grand conclusion. But I know I don’t want to be a cheerful person who left that part blank.

So this is where I’ll start: by naming the blank space. By asking the question out loud. And by staying with it, even if the answer takes a while.

Tuesday evening we had my birthday dinner with Yo and the Angel. It was great to catch up with them. We are each involved with the lives of our aging parents and I appreciated hearing how they are handing it.

Yo runs a small business that imports much of its inventory from China. Now with tariffs, his Chinese supplier first ships the supplies to an intermediate country before sending them on to Seattle. So he avoids the tariffs though he must pay a little more in shipping. This whole stunt made us laugh and reminded me of how bad the current administration is at executing on their promises. If the small guys can figure this out, then what are the majors doing?

We have a new roommate. At the old house, we would rent out the ADU to traveling nurses. One of our past renters reached out to us and asked if we had a place to stay for a couple of months. He has a contract in Seattle and needed a place to stay. We said yes, just to try it out.

Our neighbors have repainted their garden dinosaurs. This captures the kitschy vibe of our neighborhood.

 

It's my birthday on Tuesday and this week I am having an extended birthday celebration. 

C2 flew into town and stayed with us for the weekend. He is thinking about moving back to Seattle. Part of his trip was to scout out places to stay. He's thinking of buying a condo on Cap Hill.

Saturday evening we went to a retro 80's concert with W&P. We saw Modern English, Soft Cell and Simple Minds. It was a fantastic concert. The performers were at the top of their games. That doesn't always happen at nostalgia concerts. 

Sunday we held a potluck BBQ for my birthday. Maybe 20 people showed. I am very grateful to my husband for pulling this off. It was great to catch up with everyone. 

Bohemian commented...  

 *LOL* I think too many C-Sections are done, Babies usually arrive when they're good and ready to and unless there is health risk to the Mother 

We had a great lunch conversation on just this topic. Huff's perspective is that she is older, this is her first baby, and her family has a history of complicated child births. While she was carefully explaining her position my brother-in-law blurted out "Get it! Save the vag!"

Social weekend for me. Saturday I had extra time for myself since, my husband was up in Alaska for work 

Saturday morning I had breakfast with Clem. It’s always good to catch up with him. Clem and his husband travel very often on a small budget so I’m always trying to learn theIr lessons. Some of it is that they have established friendships in Greece and Spain going back decades. A bed at a friends is always available. 

Sunday, we had a Mother’s Day brunch for Huff and my mother-in-law. Is was full production, brunch— food for 10 people. 

Huff’s pregnancy is coming along well. If the baby doesn’t arrive on time, then a C-section is scheduled for June 12. 

My mother-in-law is slowing down. I don’t often see her exerting herself at her apartment so it’s hard to judge progress. At our house, she struggled to go up the two stairs in our yard. This is new. She is 87, has COPD and CHF. Mentally she’s all with it. I wish her the best. 

The couple kitty corner from us has separated. We haven’t seen them in a while, so we texted to catch up. They responded with the news. It happened a couple months ago and they have been laying low. Life goes on. 

A pleasant weekend.

We planted the concrete planters that run along the side of our house. These planters are out of sight, so we were more experimental with the plants. If we don't like that garden a year from now then we'll just rip it out.

In the large planter, we planted hostas, hydrangeas, rosemary. We started a mint garden in a smaller. I've heard that mint tends to take over. The smaller planter box out of the way and has mixed light. Perfect for a plant that takes over. 

Indoors, I've started 20 sunflowers. They are currently about two feet high. I'll transplant them outside soon. Over night it's still too cool for sunflowers. Perhaps it will be warm enough by next weekend. 

Saturday evening we have TJ & GW over for dinner. They just spent a month a place in Florida called The Villages-- a very large 55 plus community. They loved it and are thinking about buying a house in there. The prices are about a third of Seattle prices. 

It was good to hear from TJ&GW on this. I'm not interested in moving to FL, even if for a nice 55 plus community. Perhaps we could spend a month there every now and then, but that's about it. 

Apparently the Villages have a Loofa code for its swingers. Not my cup of tea, but interesting.

Sunday morning we had coffee with R & P. We haven't seen them in years. R sometimes goes into a dark funk where she doesn't want to see people for months, years even. We had written off their friendship, but then out of the blue, she reached out suggested we get together. 

Afterwards coffee we did more planting around my mother-in-laws place, had a nice lunch and then chilled for the afternoon. I went on a good bike ride along the shore. My husband napped.