I'm back now. I spent the past week in Pembroke Ontario, with my parents

If my friends in Toronto are conservative compared to my friends on Seattle, then my family is way right wing. My parents, uncles, aunts, cousins, go to Church once or twice a week, pray after every meal, some of them thump the bible. A cousin was given a book about muslim, but was afraid to bring it home because it would violate the Christian sanctity of his house.

There isn't much to do in Pembroke. So that we would have something to do, for Christmas I gave my brother a dart board. My brother is very competative with me. We wrestled a bit, although, he's 6'11'', and 260lbs, so if he pushes his weight around, I don't stand a chance. He also beet me at darts and at cards. I gloated big time every time he won. It's amazing how family pushes your buttons.

For Christmas, I got a boot scrubber, a big bottle of maple syrup and a shirt.

My parents both drive school buses for extra money. Half the kids on the busses gave them chocolates or cookies for Xmas. So, we had pounds and pounds of sweets to eat over the holidays.

Spending time with my father is weird. We get along, but we don't talk. We silently work together. The two of us spent a couple of afternoons doing odd jobs around their farm.

Friday evening I spent with M&S, and baby O. O is sick right now, but not so sick that you can't make here feel better by distracting her. She seems to hate me. M&S told me not to take it personaly. Except for S, there are very few men in O's life. When she runs into a strange man, she is very weary.

After dinner with M&S, I went downtown to my old haunt, the Black Eagle. It hasn't changed since I left Toronto. I was talking to one of the bartenders about it and he mentioned that yes, the Eagle, and gay Toronto in particular, has held it's breath for the past 5 years. Everything has aged a bit, but that's it.

Several guys bought me beers. It's good to know I'm still desired. I ended up running into an old drinking buddy. We closed the Eagle. It's not so bad for me. Seattle is three hours off of Toronto and I've been keeping Seattle time. So, when the bars closed at 2am, it only felt like 11pm.

Saturday I had lunch with BP. BP told me his .com tale of woe. He was briefly a multi-millionare. Then the company stocked plunged by $90.00 a share.

Saturday evening, I took it easy with J&E. We had dinner and then watched TV.

Sunday, I had lunch with Lliam. He's over the flu now. We walked down Young street and marveled at all the new construction that's on hold. Work has paused on two new sky-scrapers. Between September 11 and the recession, there isn't the same demand for office space as there was a year ago

Sunday evening, J&E threw a "Wecome Barry back to Toronto" party. I saw many people I haven't seen in a long time. It struck me how different my Toronto friends are from my Seattle friends. My Seattle friends are more out there-- more colourful. They talk about weird porn and sex. They swear. They dye their hair. They rent their homes and have lots of credit card debt. My Toronto friends are very conservative-- even my gay friends. They own houses and have babies. They have stable well paying careers. They are becomming part of the old-boys (and girls) network. It's a very different feel.

Tonight at the party some of the girls talked about their "Craft Horror Stories." In 1993, J started to knit two sweaters. Last year, she gave up on knitting them, and gave them to N to finish. N is trying to do so, but because the original wool was bought in 1993, she's having problems finding enough matching wool to complete the project.

Three and a half years ago, F started a needle point picture which was to be a house warming gift for her parents new condo. The parents have now lived in the condo for a year and a half.

We also talked about how to manage living with your parents over Christmas. I have it easy. I only see my parents once or twice a year for a few days at a time. We don't really get on each others nerves. Not so with many of my Toronto friends. They get all stressed and weirded out talking about their parents.

I had lunch with K. today. He's a bit aimless right now. He quit his job about a year ago, and has just been traveling and working on fun projects. His money is running out though, so he's been looking for some contract work. He also wants to move to Germany. When I asked him why, he said that he wants to go someplace with no responsibilities or obligations. He also wants to study Aikido a Gernmany has a good Aikido acadamy. Finally, he wants to learn German. If anyone else had given those reasons, I would have called "Bull Shit."

I watched friends and survivor over at B's place.

Finally, I went downtown and spent the evening with Lliam. We chatted the night away about BF's and hockey and work. I'd like to spend more time with him, but he's just getting over a flu. He's resting constantly.

I'm noticing the effects of HIV more often. I'm seeing people that I haven't seen in years. AIDS is making them thin and frail. None of my friends are infected, but some people I used to run into often, and just say "hi" to, now look very gaunt.

I've been in Toronto for a few days now. The trip was fairly uneventfull. Thanks to Sept 11, the lineups at the airport were long. It took an hour to get through the metal detectors. I think they've set them to maximum sensitivity. The eyeletes in my shoes are metal. They had me take my shoes off so they could run them through the x-ray machine

I'm staying at G&J's place. Their baby J, is doing well. He's walking around now and starting to talk.

Tuesday I did a bit of shopping. The Canadian dollar is worth about 65 cents U.S.

Tuesday evening I had dinner with J&E, and their baby J. E is dark asian and J is light caucasion. When baby J was born, he had dark black asian hair, but now that he's almost a year old, his hair has turned blond.

Baby J likes to rough-house. He loves being picked up and flown around. I'm kind of worried that I'm going to drop him, or squeeze him too tight. But, J&E don't care. Apparently J is more rough with the baby than I am and it just makes baby J laugh louder.

Played hockey tonight. We won 5-4. I had a good 1st and 2nd period. But, I sucked in the 3rd. It was a scrappy game. I manged to trip a couple of people without getting caught. One of our D's got a stick in the face and got a bloody mouth. After that, he went out for revenge. He hip checked a guy, but the ref saw it.

Harry's ex, Chris5, and I agreed to get together Friday for lunch. About 20 minutes before I left, I got this from Harry...

> Hey Barry. Just a note to say hello. We need to get
> together soon again. It was really good to see you
> and to feel you and kiss you again.
>
> Give me a shout.
>
> Hey I ordered all of my windows for the house
> yesterday. It is going to look so much better with
> new windows.
>
> What are you doing this weekend. Give me a call and
> stop by if you get a chance. I might go into
> Seattle
> tonight. Depends on how tired I am after working on
> the house.
>

So, I had lunch with Chris5. We had a good time. It was sunny after lunch, so we took a walk along the creak. We found a private spot, sat down and chatted a while, and kissed a bit.

I left bit annoyed with myself, and confused. I called Harry up Friday afternoon. We talked a bit. He said I didn't really know what was going on in his life. He hadn't had sex with the FB in a while. Also, he ended up not spending last Saturday night at FB's

Harry and I agreed to get together Saturday night.

Friday night, Chris2, Chris3, Bruce and I went to a private party hosted by some of Chris2's co-workers. On our way in, Chris2 said "I hope so and so is here, because I want to insult him." Chris2 is kind of fun to be with. To most people, he's not a very nice man. I haven't suffered his wrath yet. In fact, he mentioned that I am one of the few people he knows that he hasn't insulted.

We didn't know anyone there. Chris3 and I sat down at a table with a group of people who were telling cop-escape stories. After a few minutes, one of the people turned to Chris3 and said "Hey, you're a cop.. Aren’t you?" Chris3, being a big bullshitter, said “Yes”, and went a long with it. He looks the part.

At about 10pm, Chris3 and Bruce left to see Chris1. Chris2 and I went to RockBottom for food and drinks.

I puttered around Saturday. Saturday evening I went over to Harry's. I helped him paint his bathroom. He has no furniture in his house, so we had a picnic by the fireplace.

He mentioned that Friday night he talked to Chris5. Chris5 told him that we talked at movie bears and had lunch on Friday. At that point I thought I was busted, but Harry just used the opportunity to vent about Chris5.

I ended up having a great time. I spend the night. I think Harry had a great time too. The next morning, we he realized that I was leaving for Toronto on Monday, he looked disappointed.

I really like Harry. I guess I have to figure out what to tell Chris5. On Friday at lunch I agreed to go out with Chris5 on a real date. At that time I thought I was out of Harry’s picture. I owe Chris5 an explanation so that he doesn't think it's something he did. But, at the same time I don’t want to say "I can't date you because I am pursuing your ex."

There are too many Chris's in my life. Chris3, Bruce's boyfriend, wants to be Chris1. Instead, Bruce and I have started referring to the Chris's by their last names. It doesn't feel right though.

I just took a good walk up the hill behind my house. It's very windy out. even the clouds are moving fast.

So, how close does a potential BF have to be? Close enough that I can see him once or twice a week. I don't want a long distance relationship. Nor can I move. I'm in the U.S. on a work visa that is tied to my job. If I quit, then I have to move back to Cananda. I'm working on a green card, but I don't have that yet.

Bruce and Chris are now DP'd (Domestic Partnered). They did it to get Chris on Bruce's medical insurance. Over lunch I called them married. They broke out in goofie grins and started debating who was the wife and was the husband.

Last night I went to "movie bears". Once a week a group of guys from the bear community get together and see a movie. This week it was Ocean's Eleven. Good, but completly forgetable.

Afterwards, we headed up to the Cuff for drinks. There, I ran into another Chris-- Harry's ex. He's a really nice guy. We work at the same company so we have a fair amount in common. We are going to have lunch on Friday.

Today over lunch, I talked about the Harry's ex Chris with Bruce and Chris. I was analyzed the situation bringing up the pros and cons of dating the Harry's ex Chris. Chris cut me off and said that it's ok to have fun. I should just and go out with him. Forget about the details and just enjoy myself. If it works out great. If it doesn't, it doesn't.

I didn't tell B&C this; last night I had a sex dream about Harry's ex Chris.

There are too many Chris's in my life.

Sunday I hung around at Bruce and Chris's again. We watched some of the Chris' experimental films. Yikes! He's made "O.J.'s secret tape." and "Candi's Picnic." Candi's Picnic contains almost every sex-fetish you'll ever run into, yet it's done in the style of a children's movie-- everything is plush, cute and cuddly. I also saw some of his industrial stuff, including an 8 minute piece about the installation of a million dollar painting at MS.

Sunday evening, we went to the Beacon Hill Pub for a beer. It used to be a neighborhood gay bar. Now it's a straight club. They had the worst karioke that I have ever heard.

I've been working late this week. Next week I'm going on Vacation to Toronto, so I want to finish off my work projects before I leave.

I don't have much else to write about. I did write a short essay about my husband hunt. After I read it, it sounded whiny and stupid. Most every man who has ever wanted a husband has been in the same situation I am. There is nothing new about my husband hunt. I just have to meet a guy I'm attracted to, date him and hope for the best. Meeting someone you are attracted to, who is available, and who lives close enough to you so that you can date them, has never been easy for anyone.

Had an Ok day. Bad night.

I went over and had breakfast at Bruce and Chris's. We sat around and watched movies all day. The titles I remember are The Sweet Hereafter and Cecil B. DeMented

The Sweet Hereafter is one of those great movies that you won't like. It's about a school bus accident that kills many of a small town's children and a lawyer trying to convince the grieving parents to hire him to sue whoever may be responsible. It's very depressing and doesn't have a happy ending. The bus accident scene is very effictive. Instead of seeing a spectacular crash, you see something very low key. Instead of being entertained by an explosion, you are left with the feeling that you witnesed a horrible accident.

Had dinner at Bruce and Chris's

I went out to the Cuff later. Didn't have a good night. I ran into Darryl. A long time (6 months?) ago I gave my number to Darryl . He never called. We flirted a bit tonight. He said he still had my number, so I said "Call me". As I was leaving he pulled me aside and told me why he didn't call-- he's HIV+

Why can't I find something simple? All I want is a healthy, good, straight acting man who lives within driving distance. I don't think I'm too picky. Lately my luck is just shit.

Yes! No! Shit.

This morning I got this email from Harry...

> Hey thank you for coming over last weekend, it was
> wonderful spending time with you, hope we can spend
> more time together soon.
>
> Sorry if FB seemed a little pushy tword me, I need to
> get it through his head that we are not an item, just
> fuck buddies right now. I don't want a relationship
> right now.
>
> Anyway take care and give me a call.
>

Well. I called Harry and asked him if he wanted to have dinner Saturday night. He said he couldn't make it. He had a previous engagement that he couldn't get out of. In particular, he was going to spend the night at FB's place.

At this point, I’m giving up on Harry-- at least for a few months.

Played hockey. Lost again 4-2.

At work, I'm no longer on loan. The other team has completed their back log and no longer needs me.

I'm on edge waiting for Harry to call me. My gut tells me he's not going to call. But still, it's disappointing. It could mean that he's not interested. It could mean that he's busy. I talked to Bruce about it. Bruce is of the opinion that Harry and I are probably going to get back together agian, but it's going to take a long time to smooth things out. Bruce said that right now, Harry has the power. For the first time since Harry and I met, Harry has some power over me. So, I should expect Harry to flex it a bit. Not because he's mean, but because he's being cautious.

Nothing much has happened over the past few days. Working Hard. Cleaning a bit when I get home.

I had lunch with Bruce today. He asked me how my motorcycle course went. I lied and told him that I past.

No, I didn't hurt myself. I've had two people ask me that. Thanks for caring.

I dropped the bike on a low speed sharp turn. The drill was, from a high speed, rapidly break and then at a very slow speed (1st gear plus half clutch) follow a path that is about 4 feet wide with a 90 degree turn in it. Well, twice I hit the front break. Not much, but just enough to skid out in the sharp turn.

Last night I was over at Harry's new house. He's going to have a good place. It needs a coat of paint everywhere and new carpets. It looks like it was last painted in the late 60's.

It's got a great view.

He buttered me up a bit. He told me he was very glad I came over. He said that he missed me. He said I was as handsom as ever. He also said he didn't want to just jump into another relationship. When I told him I understood that he needed time and space. He told that wasn't what he ment. What he ment was that he just wanted to date for now.

He grabbed me and we kissed a while. We didn't go farther than that-- Harry's friends showed up. We drank some beer, retiled his part of his shower and then went out for dinner and drinks. I left for home at about 11:30. Harry thanked me for comming and said that he would call.

We'll see. This is going to be a slow ride. All I can do is relax and let it happen.

Fucker.

I failed out of my motorcycle safety class. The rule is, if you drop the bike twice, then you would be asked to leave. Well, I dropped the bike twice. The instructor gave me the option of staying. I said no. I was too wound up. Knowing that they were bending the rules bugged me too much.

Now, I've got to lay low this weekend. I don't want anyone to know that I failed out. Not many people know that was talking the course. Bruce does, as do a few people from work.