I'm struggling a little with the blog. With my separation and the associated legal complications, it's not smart thing for me to publicly comment on my life's details.  Still, I'm going to continue the blog. In some ways, this has become my photo album. I don't want to stop it. At the beginning of every month I skim that month from the previous years.

 

Thanksgiving was good. Stephen and I spent it at the top of a condo on capital hill. The day was sunny and bright. The condo room had a great view. About forty people attended it, pot luck style. Lots of turkey. Too many desserts. They way a good Thanksgiving dinner should be.

 

I've booked the last three weeks of the year off on vacation. My boss noticed that I hadn't used my vacation balance. He told me that this was poor planning on my part. Leadership must plan to use the available resources.

 

So, I'm in Hawaii now. Waikiki to be precise. The weather is glorious here.

 

The trip was a freebie. Steven is a regional manager with people who work in Hawaii. A couple times a year he fly's here to spend a week with them.

 

I've been in Waikiki once before. I think it was in 1995. Twenty years ago. Mostly I don't remember that trip. Every now and then I get little flash backs. I remembered the hotel I stayed at when we walked by it.

 

I hiked up Diamond head Crater. I did this 20 years ago. I forgot most of the details. I did remember the long stair case at the end. It has 40 non-stop steps.

 

The sun is hard on people here. The homeless in particular. Though, I guess there are worse things than being homeless in Hawaii. You could be homeless in Seattle for example.

 

I haven't talked to Bruce in years. We used to work for the same company. He left for some reason. He and his partner, C3, moved to the east coast.

 

Out of the blue, today, I get a message from C3…

 

"I got a call the other day from the Police that Bruce had killed himself. Am just getting my brain back and figured you would want to know.   He was really happy with all you guys and i begged him to go back to Seattle to be among his friends. But he couldn't do it. Dunno why really.  But he really loved you as a friend. C3."

 

I let C2 know. Bruce introduced C2 and I. He, as I, is saddened by this.

 

 

 

 

Fall is setting in. It's cool. It rains every day. The Seattle gloom is here.
 
My life is quiet. I'm working a lot. Probably not taking enough vacation.
 
Steven's life is stressful. His father isn't doing so well though. His father has decided wants to die, sooner rather than later. He has COPD. He is CHF. To further this, he has stopped taking all meds except his comfort meds.
 
Comfort meds. That's a new phrase I had not heard before.
 
The thing is, now that he's off almost everything but morphine, is that he feels much better.  It's occurred to him that he may live for months instead of dying in the next few days.  Or is that the morphine talking?
 
 
 
 

It's October 12 today. That means this blog is 15 years old. Happy birthday blog. It's fun and strange looking over the first entries. I lived fairly different life back then.

My separation from RO is proceeding. We both agree that seeing a mediator won't be a good use of our time, so I'm going with petitioning the court for dissolution. It was a little under a year ago that I left RO. It's time to finish off the legal parts of our relationship. I'm surprised how long this has taken. So are my friends.

LIfe in Canada…

My mother was complaining how the length of this year's Canadian Federal Election process. It's twelve weeks long! Usually they are only six. Every night the news is the same thing-- who said what on the election trail. The real news is being pushed to the back burner. Get it over with already.

Perhaps she was subtly ribbing me about the American election cycle. Twelve weeks would be refreshing.

C2 is in town. He wants to move back to Seattle and may do so. He is a government contractor and the finance debated that happening now may cause him to loose his job. He wants that to happen.

We went to the state fair last night. Saw the animals. Rode the rides. It was fun,

Last week, RO tried to kill himself again. We were talking on the phone. He threatened to take pills. He wanted to end it all to solve all the problems and make everything simple again. I told Steven what RO was up to. Steven called 911 while I stayed on the phone with RO.

RO is already out of the hospital. I don't understand why he isn't under constant observation. This is the 3rd or 4th time he's tried to kill himself.

Weddings. So many of them.

This past weekend Steven and I went to Yakima for a friends wedding. The wedding was at Gilbert Cellars. Very nice place.

Weekend before we flew to Denver for a wedding & a few days R&R.

The 20^th, we caught a concert at the Red Rock Amphitheater. The Piano Guys. They are a great band. I was initially surprised that I had never heard about them before. After all, they filled a ten thousand seat venue and they were clearly knew there stuff. Over the course of the evening though, I figured it out. They are Mormon, and they are very famous amongst Mormons. I'm just not in touch with the Mormon world.

Check them out on YouTube.

Friday we went to the Celestial Seasonings Tea factory for a tour. Yes, you heard that correct.

It was one of the most intense experiences I have been through. One of us got injured and had to leave. The peppermint room was an assault on the senses…. I exaggerate but only a little.

The tour was largely populated by middle aged women and their families. Oddly enough we were there at the urging of a female middle aged friend who wanted to see it.

One person on the tour did have to drop out. She was asthmatic and the tea dust made it hard for her to breath.

The peppermint room was intense. Celestial Seasonings has a separate warehouse room to store peppermint. When you walk into that room your eyes and nose start to run.

And then we sampled tea.

Saturday we went to an amusement park but left early because the threat of lightening shut down the big rides.

Saturday night was the frosting emergency. The mother of the bride had elected to make the wedding cake. But Saturday evening, for the Sunday Wedding, the cake was still not ready. In fact the first batch of frosting didn't turn out and the mother of the bride didn't have a car or kitchen available to her to make another batch. So, we drove across Denver Saturday evening to a friends with an available kitchen.

The frosting and the cake turned out very well.

On Sunday was the wedding. It was held at a barn at a botanical garden. It was very beautiful.

The parents...

My parents are getting old. The roomies parents are getting old. It makes me ask hard questions about how I want to live out the rest of my life.

Fifteen years ago my mother flew with me for a month to Zimbabwe. Today she won't leave the country.

Steven's mother is pressuring him to buy a house big enough that she can move in.

A coworker just bought a new house with a bedroom on the ground floor, because his parents were having problems using the stairs at his old house.

C2's father just sits there and does nothing with his time.

I don't enjoy watching the inevitable changes of time affect my parents. I exercise regularly and watch what I eat. Perhaps this will extend my healthy and active life. But in the end...

Yesterday was my first court ordered anger management session. It was actually good. I enjoyed it. Maybe even got something out of it. I have to hand it to the instructor. He is trying to be helpful to a room full of people who would rather not be there. I think the program is very 12 steps based. He tried very hard to emphasis that we are responsible for our actions and that we have to be honest with ourselves because anger is often the result of someone revealing our personal fears and shames. If we are not afraid of ourselves... if we are not ashamed of our selves...

Steven hates the stories.

Last September, Steven checked him self into rehab for crystal meth addiction. He lost his job shortly after leaving treatment.

Since then he's come along way. He has a great new job, even better than the old. He has distanced himself from drug and alcohol using friends. He attends AA regularly and has a sponsor.

He still has a lot on his mind. Everyone he met in the rehab treatment center has since relapsed. Regularly, someone he knows through AA falls off the wagon and hits tough times.

He read "Beautiful Boy: A Father's Journey Through His Son's Addiction." The son in this book also had crystal meth addiction. The son relapses often.

All these stories of relapse worry Steven. There are not many role models of people who stayed sober.

I don't know what to say here. His life is going well now so he has the strength to say sober. Sooner or later he will hit a rut. We all do. I hope then that all his friends will help

No update in over a month. I've been lazy.
 
My charges are in the process of being dropped. I have to take an anger management course. After that the prosecution has agreed to drop them.
 
Not much progress finalizing RO and my separation.  We are in the progress of getting a mediator, neither of us are pushing that one along, so the process has stopped.
 
Steven and I spent a few days at Cannon beach in Oregon. Was beautiful. As we joked-- imagine a beach, miles long with soft white sand. The beach's land scape is dotted with gorgeous hay stack rocks. All beautiful. Now, imagine that beach has a constant, non stop cool 20mph wind. That beach is Cannon beach.
 
Indeed. We've had a heat wave here. Seattle has hit 90F every day. Cannon beach barely scratches 70F.
 
Steven and I also spend a weekend at a friends cabin in Shelton WA. Very quaint.
 
Steven, as well as his friend are both in AA. I've getting to know the AA vernacular a bit better than perhaps I wanted to. Fortunately it's all very practical. About establishing proper relations. Being responsible for yourself and acting to allow others to be responsible for themselves.
 
I drink much less hanging out with Steven. I generally like that. Now, I do enjoy a glass of wine, or a beer every now and then, but I don't drink daily any more.
 
On a different topic, I don't think my parents will travel out here this summer. I'll probably go and visit them. They are getting older and more hesitant to travel. Too bad
 

Over the weekend we had a big BBQ with about 30 guests. It was great to see old friends and meet new.

RO & I… The time is coming when RO and I have to have a good hard chat. He lives in the house I own. He works at the business I own. These facts are dragging things out.

I know I am not responsible for his happiness. I am not responsible for him earning a living. Yet, my actions can't help but hurt him. I have to close the business. I have to sell the house. With his struggles over the past few months, I can only imagine how he will react.

It is my birthday today. Have been reflecting on the past six months.

I'm settling down to a new normal, however I still have a ways to go. RO agreed to switch to mediator, which I want as well. My lawyer and RO's lawyer were both accusing the other of never returning phone calls. This log jam ate of time and soaked up money.

I like living in my new place and my new roomates. Steven is great to half around. He's a Big E Extrovert, and is always planning something. Brown, on the other hand, is quiet, like me. This is very comfortable. Brown and I can be in the same room for hours and not talk to each other. We both like that. The silence bugs Steven. He doesn't understand our introverted ways.

Since I left RO, I've used two tubes of tooth paste. I think I'm on my third bar of soap. It's weird that I know that. My post RO life is so clear in my mind that these details are sticking with me.

My life is very minimalist right now. Intentionally so. Mind you, I'm not living without stuff Steven owns a lot. So my bedroom and bathroom are clean and spare. The rest of the house is well decked out. It's a good balance.

It looks like my assault charges will be dropped. The prosecutor and my lawyer have agreed that if I take an anger management course, and stay out of trouble for six months, then the charges will be dropped. All that has to happen now is for the judge to sign off on everything.

I spent the week in Chicago for work, for a conference. It was a nice trip. Very busy, but fun. I thought that I'd have a chance to relax a little, but that never happened. Between work, and dinner with coworkers, I wouldn't get back to my hotel till after ten.

The flight back was a pain. Two mechanical failures and a thunderstorm meant that I spent about four hours just taxiing on the runway. Bleah.

I had another hearing on the assault charges. Everything is going so slowly.

Last week, the prosecutor had not turned over a copy of the evidence to my lawyer. At my pretrial hearing, my lawyer tried to have the case dismissed on that basis.

The prosecutor didn't even show up to argue. A poor para-legal was there trying to answer the questions. The file she had only contained copies of my lawyers request for the evidence.

The judge gave the prosecutor 3 days to turn over a copy of the evidence.

Of course, two and a half days later we finally received the copy.

We meet tomorrow to go over the evidence package in detail.

I did have a great weekend. The weather here is very nice. C2 is in town for a few days. Also, our new roommate, Browne, just arrived. He's a very nice guy.

Despite all the trouble dealing with RO, I really like how things are turning out.

This is the view from my bedroom window. I have remind myself that no matter how bad this year has been, that I still am very well off. I live with a good friend.  I have a great job. I will be ok. No one should feel sorry for me.

Steven has a job. Not only does he have a job, but he has a very well paying job and he really likes the people he will be working with. This is great news.
 
2015 has been very bad year for both of us, until now.  

RO had a small heart attack last night. He is ok, but he will be in the hospital for a few days

We were negotiating our separation contract. He didn't like what I proposed and we argued via txt message. A few hours later I got a txt from Boone that he drove RO to the hospital with chest pains.

The Wind...

Last Thursday's dinner with Behr & BitBehr was very nice. It was good to catch up with them. Much has happened in the years since we last spoke.

For a while, we talked about drug and alcohol use in the gay community. It's far more common than I'd like. Steven even spoke a little about his drug use, it's beginnings and what pushed him to treatment.

I can only speculate why drug and alcohol problems are so common around me. I suspect it's because this crowd has nothing to care for other than themselves. With no children, all our money earned is spent entertaining ourselves and finding the next hot guy to have sex with. This can be a very selfish life and unless you are careful, very self destructive.

I'm visiting C2's cabin on Hood Canal. For lunch I stopped by a little lake to eat in the sun. As I sat and watched the lake, I saw patches of little ripples. The ripples would appear in an area, shift, grow and subside. Sort of like how a cloud changes shape.

Over time I noticed that I'd feel a slight breeze when the ripples were by me. It donned on me that the ripples were caused by the faintest eddies of the breeze. I was watching the wind.

After a while the sun hid behind the clouds and the breeze picked up. I finished my lunch and left.

C2's cabin is quiet. It offers me time to contemplate, to read a little, to write a little.

Cell phone coverage is spotty, though wi-fi is good.

Soon the sun will hid behind the hills. I'm going out to enjoy.

I have my clothing. This makes me happy.

When I moved out, I didn't bring much with me-- a few t shirts. A few long sleeve shirts, some jeans, underwear and toiletries. That was it. It was very minimalist. For the past three months, it worked, but I had to do small loads of laundry a few times a week.

It's been difficult to get back. With the no-contact order I can't even get within 500 feet of my house.

I finally got Boone to bag up all my clothing. We met last night and handed it off.

There is nothing new to report on my charges. When we met for pretrial, the prosecutor had not yet given my lawyer a copy of the evidence. In fact the prosecutor showed up at the court with no files at all. Somehow they were misplaced. Now everything is delayed by a month.

I'm starting to re-establish contact with my old friends. I lost touch with many people while RO and I were together. I knew RO wasn't beloved, but I didn't dwell to much on the details. I was fine not going out.

BitBear thanked God for the excorcism when he heard about our separation. That surprised me. BitBear is usually calm and quiet and I didn't think he ever talked much to RO.

I have to walk a careful line here. RO has known for a long time that many of my friends stopped talking to me while we were together. Part of him wants to think that this is because people (me included) are saying cruel things about him behind his back. He doesn't realize how combative and overbearing he sometimes is.

I spent the night in jail. Now, How did this happen…

RO and I met to talk about our separation contract. RO started to get belligerent and took a few swings at me. I tried to leave but he blocked the way. I held him at bay for about 10 minutes. I didn't know how else to end it, so I took a good swing and pushed him down.

I stayed around to make sure he was OK. He started talking and swearing at me. So I  left.
We both called 911.
The police came and we chatted for a while. I'm not sure why took me and not RO. So, I spent the night in jail.
At my arraignment, I was charged with 4th degree assault and released without bail.
On my way out, the jailer joked with me "Before you go telling anyone any I-did-hard-time stories, let me tell you that you spent the night in the nicest jail in the county, and that 4th degree assault is not a felony. "
I never felt unsafe the whole time was there. Worried but not unsafe. My cell had 11 other people in it. Everyone was clean and well kept. When I entered the cell, they quickly figured out I was new to this whole process. One of them helped me set up my cot. Then he gave me a short speech on cleanliness. There were no janitors there so, everyone had to help keep things clean.
The cot was not comfortable.
This is not something I want to go through again. But, kudos to the staff and inmates.
Now. More later on what I've learned from this.

But wait, there's more....

Steven's potential job is in Los Angeles not Louisiana. Sorry for the confusion Tommy.

But wait… At the interview Steven was informed that the Seattle manager was interested in taking the Los Angeles position, opening up a position for Steven in Seattle.

Anyways, Steven passed the first round of interviews. Hopefully he will land the next round as well.

I am out at he Hood Canal this weekend at C2's cabin. C2 owns two places right next to each other. One he rents out. One he keeps for himself and friends.

This morning I was talking to C2 via Skype on a tablet. I walked around the property with the tablet so C2 could see how the place is holding up. 

While I was walking with the tablet, I happened upon the tenet. She was very excited. She had quit her job and was opening up a thrift store. C2 let out a long groan. He has a long history of tenants who loose their job and then stop paying rent. One of the things he liked up about this current tenant was that she had a good stable job.

Oh well.

On the RO front, RO is becoming very angry. I'm not sure how to handle this. I listen to him vent at me. He has no friends now. Hopefully venting at me is more constructive and helpful than bottling it up.

 

Off the rails...

Steven is losing his lease on our current place at the end of Feb.

Today we put a deposit on a nice place. It's a bit expensive, but it has lots of space and we can easily bring in a roommate or two.

Steven has no job. Today he got an interview for a job in LA. The hiring manager told him no other candidate is being interviewed for that position.

Leaving RO and moving away has let me take stock of my life. Lately I've been thinking about the friends that I've lost contact with. Some of my friends had ongoing arguments with RO. Over time they stopped talking to us.

Some moved away. Job changes. New boyfriends.

Some a bit of both.

I'd like to catch up with some of them.

I had dinner with RO. We fought. We didn't concluded the fight. It was a polite fight, but I didn't give up in frustration or go silent. Afterwards I got the following from RO's daughter...

Hi BC. I heard you and dad had dinner and a good talk. There aren't words I can say to express how happy I am that he is healing in his mind, body and soul. You are helping make that possible in every way and I am so very grateful. You are a kind and generous man, and my father is lucky to have live and loved with you. Thank you for taking the time to talk with him tonight. Speaking openly with you is something that is helping him move on in more ways than one. I hope that you are doing well, and that you know that you can call and ask me for anything that you might need help with (although it seems that you have it under control). Love and big hugs to you! 

I responded...

Thanks. I would like your advice. I worry that when I spend time with RO he gets more attached and more depressed. So your feedback is welcome.  If he is getting better then great

But please let me know

 She answered back...

It was as if he understood things clearly for the first time tonight. That you didn't end the relationship to hurt anyone, that it was just what you needed to do for yourself. He really seemed like he was in a good place. Almost as if he felt weight lifted off of him. I hope you felt good after your talk, too. I would definitely let you know if he was getting more depressed or acting out of character again.

This is good. It's also given me food for thought-- that there are times where a dangling argument is healthy. Not giving in. Not in the winning. Not in consensus. Sometimes it's good for two people to disagree and to know they disagree and for each to know that the other won't sway. 

More than once people have pointed out that I "avoid conflict." Of course I've thought. There is nothing wrong with that. Get together with them. Talk it out. Make a choice. More often that it should, this strategy just means I avoid people and issues.

Now there is a third way. You may not need to decide that one position is right and one position is wrong. Both of of you are free to go your own way.

I'm in my mid 40's and a manager of a big team at a large company. Yet, in the past month I've learnt more about interpersonal relations that I have in 40 years and have become very aware of how much I have yet to learn. 

I'm spending the weekend at C2's cabin on the Hood Canal. It's a nice getaway.

Dad is on an antibiotic drip. He may be so for weeks.

Some how he got a bacterial infection in his foot. It's now swollen and painful. He is in good spirits and sounds fine but he must rest while the antibiotic works its course.

At work I'm struggling with an employee. He is very smart, but he is also difficult to work with. He frequently sees management (Not sure if I'm included) as some sort of 'them' that makes his life miserable due to their poor choices.  This attitude makes it difficult for me to allow him to work with people who don't know how he operates. When he is exposed to any cross team initiative that runs into any problem he loudly calls out someone for not thinking though the plan.

I struggle with my responsibilities here.  He frequently barks the most on topics where I know the team is  weak. Am I afraid that he is exposing my flaws? I could put more effort into thinking through the plans.  Is it reasonable for me to expect him to help? Maybe the answer is both.

I am away for the weekend at C2's cabin on the Hood Canal.

There is no TV or cell phone here. There cabin is secluded and there is very little to do near by. But, it has good WiFi. So, it's easy to fall into the trap of surfing the internet.

There are some local trails that I will check out. Just as soon as I finish watching a little more Netflix.

RO and I talked last night. He's a little angry at me now and not as depressed. I guess that's progress.

M says he tried to OD again, but M noticed and got him to throw the drugs up. RO has no drugs now. Well, he has a three day supply of a special type of sleeping pill.

A few of us have concluded that RO doesn't really want to die. He wants attention and is too tired, drugged up and self centered to deal with that in a healthy way.

For the last two nights RO has behaved.

He has lost a lot of weight. Thirty pounds. He is seeing a counselor and a doctor.

I went over last night to discuss the separation contract. Boone, RO and I also ate dinner together and watched a movie; A Walk in the Tombstones.

He shakes when I touch him, and easily breaks down into tears. On the other hand, he's a grown man. Why does he have no coping skills? I want to scream at him "Pick yourself up! Build yourself a life! You've got a place to sleep. You've got food to eat! All on my dime. You are not the first man whose heart was broken, and you won't be the last. You're problems  are so trivial in the big scheme of things. Your friends can't bail you out forever. So, pick yourself up."

A crisis of no sleep.

RO is being let out of the hospital. The doctors have concluded that his behavior was brought on by a crisis of no sleep.

One of the nice things about living with Steven for a while is that he lives two blocks away from a nice little home-made ice cream store.

Seeing me with a tub of chocolate ice cream he asked "Are you medicating your feelings with that?"

"Whatever I'm feeling I'm adding ice cream to it."

We both shared a few scoops.

Steven frequently sees the world through the eyes of someone recovering from addiction and codependence. Simple things sometimes are signs of a deeper problem. Or maybe not. Either way it provokes discussion.

I talked to RO's daughter today. She said the he said that he is glad that he's alive. There may be something medical behind is attempt. Apparently he was only sleeping an hour or two a night and had a doctor who gave him too many pills to try and help him relax. The combination of the pills and an insomnia induced depression may have pushed him over the edge.

Then again, one of my minor grips with RO was his poor sleep habits. "I can drink coffee at night. Caffine doesn't affect me." He always believed in mind over matter. He believed that his will power would allow him to motor though any obstacle.

We all have limits.

RO most briefly called me today. Last month he bought tickets to a commidenne that's performing this weekend. He called me up, barked at me that I had to take care of the tickets, asked if I heard him, then hung up.

 

I don't have much news about RO. His daughter has texted me some occasional updates. She says he seems like he is in a better place today.

I've been mulling over my own place in all of this. Of course I don't hold myself responsible for this. RO's attempted suicide is another symptom of a problem he has-- the way he escalates, pushes or throws a tantrum until he gets what he wants. No compromise. Maybe an apology for loosing his cool 

Of course he wasn't always like that. Usually I liked being around him.

 I still feel sorry for him. I don't hate the man. I left him because I wasn't happy in our relationship. Because for the first time since I was a teenager, I wanted to be alone. I can be happy alone. Solitude is nice.

Perhaps this will change in the future. For now it works.

A few people have mentioned that RO still isn't clear why I left him. They have suggested I write him a letter. I'm starting that now. In these circumstances, it's difficult to write a Dear John letter.

I know we've talked about why I left him several times. Aside from he above there were money problems and drinking problems. We have talked about all of these. But, he has a way of ignoring what I say, or turning it into  a punch list of things he has to fix to repair our relationship.…

"You want me to get a job?"

"Yeah, you need a job. You need a real source of income, and the store won't cut it. "

"After I get a job, then can I  to ask you out on a date."

"Don't do that. Do it for yourself."

"Then you didn't leave me because I don't have a job."

I will write a letter to RO. I will tell him why I left him. I will work with his daughter to make sure I time it to do more help than harm.

RO tried to overdose last night. Someone called 911. He is in the hospital now. He will be fine, the drugs are working their way out of his system.

Steven, plus RO's daughter, Lynn and I spent time with him this today. When we got there he was intubated and unconscious.

Over the course of the day he drifted in and out of consciousness. Finally in the early afternoon he woke up enough that he could communicate. He signed that he wanted me to leave.

I didn't know that RO knows the sign language alphabet.

Steven and I left, but have kept in touch with his daughter. Currently RO is awake and talking.  He is angry. He is also upset that he saw me. He wants to go home.

Apparently RO texted many people loving goodbyes before he took the drugs. He wanted lots of people to know.  

In many ways, the real work starts now. When you try to take your life, there are consequences; for him, for us.

I know that I should let this go. That this I not my battle.

His family has been very supportive. RO's daughter has been great.

Lets see what tomorrow brings.

Steven and l had dinner with his niece and her boyfriend. It was a nice quiet meal.

Steven didn't get the job that he interviewed for. he is in good sprits, but there is a little less spring in his step than usual. pull though it buddy

I've been out of the house for a month now. The separating is proceeding, though slowly. RO is looking for a new place. Hopefully I can move back by Feb.

Staying with Steven is nice. It' become a good second home here.

Good bye Toronto. I had a great trip. I've seen many dear old friends. I've ate way too much food. Between a New Years Eve perogie party, and an endless New Years day brunch, I did nothing but eat and sleep for the first 24 hours of 2015.
 

So much fun. So many good people. Too bad about the cold.

Now back to Seattle.